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buffyfic-digest       Thursday, August 20 1998       Volume 02 : Number 311



In this issue:

       BUFFYFIC: Fwd: BBETA: All Out of Love 2/2
       BUFFYFIC: Discuss: Nickel (vaguely OT)

See the end of the digest for information on (un)subscribing to the buffyfic
or buffyfic-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues.

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Date: Wed, 19 Aug 1998 14:23:10 -0500 (CDT)
From: [e-mail]
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Fwd: BBETA: All Out of Love 2/2

TITLE:  All Out Of Love 2/2
FEEDBACK:  I would be thankful.
DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT:  Ask and you shall receive.
AUTHOR:  Alex Queirolo with Paige Daro
E-MAIL ADDY:  [e-mail]
SITE: http://www.angelfire.com/co/alexfic/index.html
SPOILER WARNING:  Um. None.
RATING:  PG-13. Language and violence.
CONTENT:  Some swearing. Some fighting. Some angsting.
SUMMARY:  The continution of the Becoming Saga..even though Angel's
broken through Buffy's defenses, the Slayer is still falling apart.

THE BECOMING SAGA

             ALL OUT OF LOVE

              By: Alex Queirolo and Paige Daro



AUTHOR'S NOTES: This little ditty takes place after Becoming Part 2.
It's a story about the future of B/A after her return. It comes after
the story "Against All Odds". Slowly, some of the details that were so
vague before are becoming known..

STORY NOTES: This is is the second part of what is "planned" to be a
four part series. Three stories plus an epilogue. However, you never
know, if I get disgruntled enough, I could just drop the series and
let the stories I have stand on their own. I'm whacky like that. ;-)

DEDICATION: To my sister who helped me decide where I was going with
this and then kicked me(and boy did that
hurt) until I wrote it. And to Erana because you just bloody rock.

DISCLAIMER: The characters of Buffy, Angel and the Scooby Gang belong
to Joss "Da Man" Whedon and his
AMAZING staff of writers. It also belongs to the WB, FOX, Mutant Enemy
and SandDollar and I'm sure there are a few other sorted characters
with their hands in the pie.

Also, the title comes from a Air Supply song. The song quoted
throughout this piece is "Can't We Try" by Dan Hill.



And long live the best romance on the show(you listening Joss?) B/A.
***

                "Don't be afraid"



Buffy walked slowly up the street toward her house. Her mom had left
earlier that morning for some conference involving artifacts of dead
people or something like that. Buffy had only half-listened after
Joyce had started prattling on about how she didn't want to leave but
had no choice. It seemed like now everytime Joyce left, she did so
deathly afraid that it would be the
last time she saw Buffy alive.

Since the house was empty and looming, she found that she had no
killer desire to head there but really where else was there to go?
Giles had, in a odd display of humanity, decided to relieve her off
her Slayer duties for the rest off the week. He was conviced she was
too fragile at the moment. So he and the rest of the Scooby gang sans
Willow were off picking up the slack for her. Oh well. She fought back
an urge to go to the cemetary to make sure they were okay. She really
wasn't in the mood to hear another rendition of, "You're in no shape
for this." The whole egg-shell routine was getting old.

Reaching her house, she started up to the door. Her Slayer senses came
alive the moment she took a step onto the stairs. "Angel?"

"Who else?" Angel asked coming out of the omnipresent shadows that
seemed to cloak him.

She gasped as she noticed his black eye."What happened?"

Angel just shrugged and stepped closer."I'm fine."

"You don't look fine." Buffy replied as she brought her hand to his
face and traced the swelling."Oh Angel...."

"Drop it." He growled unwilling to tell her that he had gotten into a
fight to get out his frustration over her. Perhaps going into the
biker bar had been a bad idea. He'd been doing fine against the big
burly guys intil the chick in leather had left hooked him and
then looked up at him daring him to hit back. Of course he hadn't.
Damn. "I just wanted to see if you were okay."

She blinked, "I'm fine. Why?"

"No reason." Angel replied, stepping away from her touch. "I saw
Willow today. She wanted to talk."

"Really?"Buffy asked, wondering what her usually meek red haired
friend was up to."And?"

"She talked about you. I want to talk to you about you too." Angel
murmured, sitting on her front steps.

She followed suit, sitting down a few feet away from him but wanting
to move closer. "Angel...please just try to understand.."

He growled startling her, "I'm trying. Believe me I am but dammit
Buffy.. enough is enough." There was a long pregnant pause while he
waited for her to respond. When all he heard was the air swirling
around, he jumped to his feet and began to pace around on the porch,
running his fingers through his dark hair. "Look. I love you...but.."

"There's a but?!" She cried out, jumping to her feet. He took a step
towards her but was roughly pushed away. "Fine! Fine! Fine!" She moved
to the front door and unlocked it hastily.

"No! Buffy, wait! Come on!" Angel tried to stop her but found himself
facing her front door. Turning he growled and stomped down her front
steps. He needed to get away before he did something he might regret.
Then changing his mind he walked around to the back of her house. The
little Slayer had the bad habit of leaving the back door open and now
he was going to utilize it and end this whole mess once and for all.



         "Can't we try just a little bit harder
          Can't we give just a little bit more
          Can't we try to understand that
            it's love we're fighting for"



She looked like a five year old having a temper tantrum. She was
throwing objects across her room, the anger mounting with each object
that failed to crash and only fell noiselessly to the ground. Her
hands curled into fists as she began to pound against
the wall of her bedroom. Tears streamed down her cheeks. And yet the
anger remained.

Eyes blazing fury, she turned away from the wall and began to advance
upon her mound of stuffed animals. She reached down and grabbed the
first one. And then stopped as she stared back at the little stuffed
pig. Mr. Gordo. She swallowed hard and then flung him onto the bed and
reached for another. The turtle. Buh-bye.

"Does that make you feel better, Slayer?"

Buffy spun around, the turtle now clutched against her chest as if it
were the only thing standing between she and her furious lover. "You
don't get the meaning of go away, do you? You never have."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

She advanced on him, the turtle still in front. "You could have
stopped all of this."

His body went cold. He felt the distinct urge to crumble. To admit
that she was right and beg for forgiveness. But he knew better. They
both had to get through the anger they were feeling. And he'd be
damned if he was going to let her off the hook so easily.

He took two long steps and pulled her up into the air, his hands
grabbing the lapels of the leather jacket. He held her a good two feet
off the ground and then shoved her up against the wall. The part of
him that felt horror at his actions went to war with the other part
that delighted in finally seeing her raw. And she was, her blue eyes
terrified.

"Put me down," she hissed, struggling against him.

"Or what?"

Her eyes glittered, anger replacing the terror. "Don't say I didn't
warn you Dead Boy." Her foot lashed out, powerfully connecting with
his groin. His mind registered the connection before his body dead. He
swallowed hard and then dropped her.

They both fell to the ground with twin thuds.



         "Can't we try just a little more passion
         Can't we try just a little less pride
               I love you so much baby
               that it tears me up inside"



She recovered first and glanced over to where her lover was curled
into the fetal position. She almost felt guilt, but now that the anger
was released it overpowered everything. Including her love for him. At
this point she just wanted him to hurt like her. She
wanted him to feel the pain she had coursing through every part of her
like fire. "You deserved that."

He glared up at her, anger making his eyes as black as midnight and
just as deadly. Slowly he uncurled his long limbs and stood."Buffy.."

She threw a punch to stop him from talking. She didn't want to talk;
all she wanted to do was hurt him. It connected solidly with his jaw
and he spun back.

"Damn you!" Angel spat, involuntarily slipping into his game face. He
growled at her. Inwardly he noticed that she didn't cringe this time;
the anger radiating from her making her bold. He grabbed her and
tossed hard on to her bed.

She rolled and landed on her feet. Turning she reached for book and
threw it at his head."I hate you!"

He stopped, momentarily stunned. He had finally done it. Forced the
two parts of her apart. The anger and pain. This was the anger. Raw
and lethal. Now all he had to do was not let it get to him.

Too late. A book hit him in the face grazing the swollen eye, making
him see nothing but red. Damn her! He hurt too. And now she would know
how much. Slowly, he allowed the darker side of himself to emerge. He
advanced on her and backhanded her against the wall. "Likewise
Slayer!" Oh no no no....

"Vampire!" she hissed as if it was a dirty word. She she hit him in
the gut, doubling him over.

"Bitch!" Her eyes widened in fury and she took another swing at him.
But this time he was ready. Snarling he caught her wrist, twisting it
in his powerful grasp. She tried again with her other fist but much
like the Briar Rabbit, he caught that hand too and twisted it. Hard.
Eyes now showing pain, she let out an agonized yelp. Roughly he threw
her towards the wall. She hit it with a thud and fell to the ground.
He moved to the window and then turned to growl at her. "It's a damn
shame you're such a child, Slayer."

She rose her head defiantly, eyes unflinching. "Stay away from me or
next time, I don't care who the hell you are..lover or not...I
will kill you."

"Don't worry about me, Angel laughed, using the tone of Angelus.
"Worry about yourself if we should meet again before I calm down." He
stared her down once more and then turned and fled through her window.
The night swallowed him moments later.

Buffy slammed the window shut and slid down against the wall . She
felt drained, as if all the emotion had been ripped away. She felt
apathy settle over her like a blanket. A moment later, her head began
to spin and she was pitched into unconsiousness.



               "Don't let our love fade away
               Don't let our love fade away
                No matter what people say
            No matter, no matter what they say"



Sunnydale was safe once more. However this time had more to do with
fury at the Slayer than hers at the vampires. Angel finished dusting
his overcoat off and dropped a stake to the wood floor of one of the
more notorious vampire hang-outs. He looked around. "Anyone still
waiting to die?" Silence. "Fuck."

He turned and walked out into the street. The night was young and yet
already so much damage. Perhaps he'd gone too far, opened the wound
too much. He felt regret over allowing Angelus to taunt her. But
dammit she'd left him no choice.

He growled and kicked the wall. Then he winced. "Ow ow ow." His body
was beginning to explode in agony from all of the places she'd hit him
with her Slayer strength, not to mention all the beatings he'd given
himself. And the whole hyper-sensitivity thing sure wasn't helping.
Thank God that the adrenlyn had been pumping during the fight.

He closed his eyes and was immediately greeted by the mental image of
him with his hands around her throat, shaking her. Continuously. And
then he stopped. Because even in his mind, her eyes were filled with
fear. Of him. Of them. Of herself.

"Damn Slayer," he spat, as if even the words were poison. "I was just
fine until you came along." He kicked the wall again. "I gotta stop
doing that," he muttered.

He shoved his hands into his pockets and started to walk. Not sure
where but somewhere. And then he stopped. In front of a night club.
Not a boker bar. A club. Not the Bronze. He stepped in and walked over
to the bar. "Vodka."



            "I need you more and more each day
              Don't let our love fade away
               No matter what people say
            No matter, no matter what they say"



"Can I get you something?"Angel asked hesitantly, not really sure what
to do. He couldn't believe that he had actually brought someone home
with him. A human woman. Oh God was he fucked up.

The small blonde woman smiled up at him and shook her head "No,
sweets. Why don't we just try to get more comfortable." She stressed
comfortable just a tad bit too much for his liking. Made him feel dirty.

"Um..sure." Angel cursed the Slayer again and sat down next to the
woman. He had immediatly noticed her similarities to Buffy in the bar.
He realized that was why she was here now. But in the end she still
wasn't Buffy He stood back up You know what...I'm sorry.."

The woman smiled and nodded, "I know. Whoever she is, she's got you
good."

Angel sighed. "That she does. Look can I take you somewhere?"

"No thanks." She replied with a smile. She stood and walked to his
door. She opened it and turned to face him.."Good luck. You're a nice
guy. Try to behave." She leaned down and kissed him softly on the lips.

He took the friendly kiss. As he raised his eyes he noticed movement
behind her. Oh shit! "Buffy!"

The woman turned around, startled and faced a small tired looking
girl."Excuse me."

Buffy watched her leave with narrow eyes and then turned and glared at
Angel."You don't waste much time."

"It's not what you think..well sort off not..I mean..oh shit."Angel
stammered

"Look I don't care. We said good-bye. I just came to give you your
ring back." Buffy said with a lump in her throat.

Angel sighed. He couldn't fight anymore. Not now at least "Fine." He
took the ring, ignoring the burning feeling as she dropped it into his
hand. As he closed his hand around the metal band in his palm, he
could feel a searing pain inside his chest.

"Leave me alone," she whispered softly. Without anger. Just the pain.
She turned her back on him and started towards the stars back to the
street.

"Buffy?"

She stopped, but didn't turn around. She couldn't. Her heart was
breaking. She just had to make it home before the dizziness overcame
her, making her too sick to move. "Yes?" Tears started to flood her
eyes.

"What about my jacket?"

"I'll bring it to the cemetary tomorrow." Buffy whisperedhearing the
agony in her own voice. Her words clipped hard as she forced them out.
She waited a beat to make sure that she could still walk and then she
left; unable to see the tears rolling down his face.

Unable to see him fall to his knees, cursing his own lips for having
formed the words. Cursing his own heart for having fallen in
love.



           "Can't we try just a little bit harder
            Can't we give just a little bit more
            Can't we try just a little bit harder
           Can't we give just a little bit more"



She awoke to someone gently brushing hair away from her eyes. "Morning."

Buffy blinked and looked up and into the eyes of her best friend.
"Will? What are you doing in my room?"

"We're in my room." Willow replied, laying a wet cloth on her
forehead. "Xander and Cordelia found you passed out in front of the
Bronze. What happened?"

Buffy blinked, trying to remember. "I passed out? At the Bronze? I
thought that was my room."

Willow narrowed her eyes. "You lost consiousness before this?"

"No! No. I...I just..." She rose a hand to her eye to rub at it and
then stopped, her eyes locked on her knuckle. "Will,the ring."

"You must have forgotten to put it back on when you went out," Willow
soothed, helping her sit up.

"Angel. I gave it back to Angel." Bufy said softly, looking down. She
found that she was suddenly unable to meet her friends' eyes as her
own misted over.

Willow stopped."Why?"

"We fought." She touched her cheek where he had hit her. "I told him I
hated him. He said the same. I went to his apartment last night. I
don't know why but I needed to. When I got there, he had a girl with
him."

Willow swallowed hard. "Was she? Well..was she naked?"

Buffy shook his head. "I don't know what happened between them. I
don't think they did anything. It doesn't matter. All I know is that
he meant what he
said. I gave him back the ring."

"Buffy, that doesn't mean he's stopped loving you. He could never.."

"Will, he asked for the jacket back. He gave me that before I knew
anything about him. Don't tell me that's not saying he wants nothing
to do with me." She dropped into her friends' arms and began to shake.
"I've lost him."

"Buffy.."

"I kept trying to walk away. I kept trying to push him away. I guess
he finally got the message." Buffy whispered, burying her blonde head
into Willow's shoulder. Willow, for her part, tightened her hold.

"Don't give up," Willow urged. "You know he loves you."

"Do I?" Buffy asked, sitting up. She groaned immediately and fell back
against the pillow. Willow pressed the cloth to her temple. "I mean
come on, after everything I've done to him...after everything we've
been to..maybe love just isn't enough? And maybe it's time I face that."

Willow shook her head sadly. "You're sick. All of this has completely
wiped you out. You need sleep and rest. You'll think more clearly when
you feel better."

"I don't know.."

"Shush. Trust me. You always have in the past. Trust me now." Willow
said softly, turning away.

"Hey Will?" Buffy asked tiredly.

"Yeah?"

"Can you do me a favor? Will you return the jacket to his apartment.
I..I don't think..I don't think I can."

"No problem." Willow replied. She shut the door behind her and then
shook her head. It wasn't fair. Damn those two. They had more passion
and love than anyone and yet they had more between them than the most
star-crossed of lovers.Pride, pain, anger. It wasn't fair.



            "Can't we try just a little more passion
            Can't we try just a little less pride
                I love you so much baby
                  it tears me up inside"



She walked through the cemetary, shivers winding their way through
her. It was a reasonably warm evening and yet she felt cold. She
glanced at her watch. Ten thirty. Willow and the rest of the Scooby
Gang would be at the library with Giles until at least midnight. Which
gave her at least an hour before she had to slip back into her room
and pretend she'd been sleeping all
along.

She sighed and crossed over to the tomb of Jack Wilkes. She jumped up
on it and then rubbed at her arm. Her body ached with old injuries but
she chalked that up to probbaly having caught something.

"Slayer." A voice said from behind her. Only it more slithered than
actually spoke.

She turned and stared back into the passionless eyes of one of Issac's
boys. He held a long metal pipe in his clawed hands. "Oh what, am I
late for our appointment? Don't worry, I don't hold grudges." She
jumped off the tomb and wavered a bit as her ankle turned in the soft
mud. She cursed and then looked back up at the vamp. "Well come on, I
haven't got all day."

He shrugged and attacked, swinging the pipe at her. She ducked the
first blow and lashed out with her foot, tripping him. She fumbled in
her equipment bag for a stake, suddenly uncertain of where she had put
it. "Dammit, dammit, dammit."

"Problem?" The vamp asked, grabbing the pipe again and knocking her
smack in the knee cap. She fell over, clutching at the knee that had
been originally injured in the whole mess with the Order of Taraka.

"Nope," she hissed, reaching out and grabbing his ankle. She twisted
it until she heard a breaking noise. Then she pulled back and clocked
him in the face. Grabbing at his pipe, she smashed it against his
skull. "Thanks for the toy." She reached into his bag and pulled out a
stake. "But I'm on a serious time-schedule. Say hi to the other good
lads I've dusted." She shoved the stake into him and watched as the
air was filled with dust. She watched a moment and then let the stake
fall out of her hand.

Almost immediately the pain hit her. She cringed at the intensity of
it. It felt like every injury her body had sustained in the last few
months was flaring up. Holding her arms tightly around her, she rocked
her body against both the agony and the bone chilling cold. If she
hadn't been so absorbed in the pain, she would have heard him moving
towards her.

He couldn't help it. She still filled his mind, stole all of his
thoughts and flowed through his dreams. Her smile, her tears. Her
love, her hate. He couldn't keep himself from her. Ever since he'd
first seen her, she'd been his drug. He loved her with every part of
his heart and soul. And even if it was smarter to stay apart, he
couldn't stop himself from watching and protecting her
when he could.

Willow had come by earlier in the afternoon with his jacket and
several ugly and decidely un-Will-like words. And then she'd thrown
the jacket at him and said, "Something tells me that she needs you
more than ever right now."

It looked like she was right. From where he stood just a few feet
away, he could see the Almighty Slayer trembling like a baby, shaking
as if she were caught in a winter storm. She held her arm tightly and
clenched her teeth in pain. He frowned. Yes, she'd been taking more
hits than usual as of late but just the same, her Slayer powers should
be compensating. They weren't.

He crossed over to her and took off the jacket he was wearing. Her
jacket. He draped it gently over her shoulders and lifted her up. She
looked up at him questioningly, too drained to put up a fight. "I'll
take you home."

                       -FIN






- ------End forward message---------------------------

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 21 Aug 1998 00:11:34 EDT
From: <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Discuss: Nickel (vaguely OT)

I was watching School Hard earlier and now I can't get the song "Stupid Thing"
out of my head...I checked my transcript, which lists the band as "Nickel".
The lyrics of the song went:

"I did a stupid thing last night
I called you
A moment of weakness
No, not a moment
More like three months of weakness
I'm one step away
From crashing to my knees..."

And so on. It was the song they played while Spike watched Buffy from the
shadows, right before he said "There's a guy out there trying to bite
somebody, call the police!" (or something like that, anyway) and I would very
much like to know if anybody knows whether or not I can get this CD, 'cause I
loved it and need the song for a fic I wanna write. Help appreciated, please
reply privately. Thanks!

Rachel

------------------------------

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