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buffyfic-digest        Saturday, August 1 1998        Volume 02 : Number 285



In this issue:

       BUFFYFIC: The Soul of Good & Evil (2/?)
       BUFFYFIC: Cursed (2/?)
       BUFFYFIC: "Starting Over" 6/13
       BUFFYFIC: "Starting Over" (7/13)
       BUFFYFIC: REVISED: Chronicles (1/?)

See the end of the digest for information on (un)subscribing to the buffyfic
or buffyfic-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Fri, 31 Jul 1998 21:55:54 EDT
From: <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: The Soul of Good & Evil (2/?)

Title: The Soul of Good & Evil (2/?)
Author: Michelle
E-mail: [e-mail]
Rating: PG-13 just to be safe. It gets kinda gory and a bit intense
but nothing the mature Buffy audience can't read.  Just a bit of mild
language.
Author's Notes: I forgot to mention where you can find previously
archived sections to this series. This story follows directly after my
two others, "Vengeance," and "Lost & Found." I rewrote the third
part with a completely different plot. Basically, everyone is a vampire,
with a soul except Spike and Drusilla.  Buffy, Willow, Xander, Angel,
Giles, Joyce, everybody.
http://members.aol.com/aglx/fanfic.html
Spoilers: Plot has nothing to do with real series except for characters
that are used.
Feedback: You may hate or love the idea of the story so please let me
know what you think.

*****

Chains wrapped around her limps kept her from moving. Her body,
a mess of gashing wounds was defenseless. Metal bars surrounded
her, holding her prisoner.

"How's it feel to see your friend like this?" Willow. Her body
a pale white, just laying in his arms. Xander's teeth sinking
into her flesh and taking away her life.  He held her fragile
body every so gently as his blood dripped down her throat.
Filling her veins with a new eternal life.

"NO! Willow!" Buffy screamed, jolting up to a sitting position.
Her body was tangled up in the blanket that loosely surrounded
her.

"Still having nightmares?"

Buffy's head turned sharply to the side. Xander was sitting
in a chair in front of the window. The drapes were closed
to protect them from the sunlight.

"Yeah," she mumbled, trying to gain her composure. "They
never stopped." She reached down to her stomach were the wound
was still healing.

Buffy glanced downward to see that the blanket was all she
was wearing. "Uh, where are my clothes?" Buffy asked.

"Oh. I washed the blood out of them. They're drying in the
bathroom."

"Oh..." As Buffy realized what he had done and a wave of
uncomforted struck her for a brief moment. She brushed the
thought aside as he began to speak again.

"There're some clothes there," he said pointing to a shirt and
shorts at the foot of the bed.

"Thanks," she said almost silently. Grabbing the shirt, she turned
her back to Xander.  She had no reason to be embarrassed around him
but she felt it would be wrong to do otherwise.

Buffy kept her head turned, not wanting to look at him. "Why are you
here?" Buffy spoke quietly, hoping he might not hear her. She threw
the shirt and pulled her long blond hair out from the colar.

"I thought I was saving you."

"I would have been just fine without your help."

"Oh, yeah, that gaping hole in your stomach with a stake centered
in it, was nothing."

"That stake was...I was just...Look, the point is I didn't need
you to come and help me out."

"Oh, yeah, that's right. You've got the all-mighty Angel to do
that for you!" Xander rose to his feet but fearfully kept his
distance from Buffy.

"I don't need Angel to save me! Or you for that matter!"

"You know, you never change do you? Always have to do everything
on your own." Xander paused to see how his words were taking effect.
"I didn't come here for this. I came here because we need to talk.
And if all you're going to do is yell, then forget it. I'm walking
out that door as soon as the sun sets!"

Buffy stopped and dropped her head.  He didn't deserve the way
she was treating him. "I'm sorry. It's just...it's just...life's
been hard since you and Willow left."

"What do you mean?"

"I only made you guys good because I knew you didn't deserve
being evil. I know it probably wasn't the best, but it was the
choice that I made."

"Buffy..."

Tears rushed down her cheeks as she forced herself to continue
on. "I didn't mean for everything to end up like this. I just
wanted you and Willow to be happy together. I didn't mean for
you two to suffer." Words flowed out of her mouth in a confusing
ranting. "God, I just wanted to live my life with Angel and my
friends. And now, he's gone. I've got nothing left."  Buffy sighed
and took a deep breath trying to force her tears away.

"What?" Xander's jaw dropped as he tried to focus on the words
that just left her mouth.

"I haven't heard or seen from Angel in six months. I don't know
what happened or..."  Tears flooded out of her eyes and Xander
rushed over to console her.

~ ~ ~
End Part 2. Is this going okay, or am I wasting my time?

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 31 Jul 1998 20:49:04 -0700
From: [e-mail] (Charity C. T.)
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Cursed (2/?)

TITLE: Cursed #2 Confrontation
E-MAIL: [e-mail]
FEEDBACK:  Pretty Please!
DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just tell me first.
RATING: PG-
SPOILERS: Everything up till Surprise/Innocence
DESCRIPTION: Takes place before Surprise/Innocence and someone's out to
kill Angel.  A Buffy/Angel relationship story.
DISCLAIMER:  The characters any such reference to Buffy the Vampire
Slayer television series belong to their creator, Joss Whedon, and their
owners, Mutant Enemy productions, Kuzui Productions, Sanddollar
Productions, and 20th Century Fox. In other words, they do not belong to
me.  Copyright infringement not intended.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Cursed
#2 Confrontation
Idea by: Slayer01
Written by: Taygeta

    Angel skimmed through the Latin in the book with ease and turned
the pages quickly.  He had long ago noted that old text was repetitive
and he disliked to read the dusty, old volumes, but he did so as a favor
to the slayer he loved and the Watcher that helped him keep his Love
alive.  This time, was differentàthis time the ancient written page were
not a forbearance for those he cared about, but rather one that meant the
end of him.

    "Soàwhat does it say?"  Buffy asked softly as she touched his arm
tentatively.

    He glanced at her and reluctantly read aloud the translation,
"Uhàone will come for the demon no longer to seek for his ultimate death.
 A curse to meet to curse and the eventual is the destruction of one or
the other."

    "Demon no longeràthat's youàisn't it?" she said with widened eyes
and she turned to her Watcher.  "So that's why you wanted him hereàyou
found a prophecy that said he was going to die!"

    "Buffy, hold onà" said Angel who knew that at 16, he had had the
tendency to be impulsive and accusatory, but that was awhile ago,
"Nowhere does it say that I'm going to die.  All it says is that
someone's going to tryàI can fend for myselfàI won't die."

    She met his eyesàhis grasp on her hand may have been cold, but
his eyes held so much warmth that his touch needn't matter.  If he were
to disappearàto goàto dieàa part of her would have gone with him and even
thinking of life without him scared her until no end.  Her heart ached at
the thought and pounded hard in her chest as the images fluctuated in her
mind and suddenly she took him into her arms.

    "You promise you'll be careful?" she whispered, as she took in
his familiar "Angel" musky scent.

    He stroked her head softly and kissed the top of her head
lightly, "I promiseàI'll never want to leave you, Buffyànot for
anything."

    Willow smiled at the touching moment and she couldn't help but
wish that she might have someone to love her like that one dayàsomeone
who would never want to leave her side.  She glanced wistfully to a bored
looking Xander and for some reason, she couldn't see it being with himàas
if past romantics had fallen short of their ill-fameàas if the bridge to
the castle of Chance had been pulled upànever to open again.  At least as
far as Xander was concerned.  Oz, on the other handànow there was a name
that held distinctive possibilities.

    Xander glanced at the couple with much reluctanceàdespite his
relations with Cordelia - whatever that meant - he still couldn't help
but feel a twinge of jealousy whenever he saw their attractionàtheir
romanceàtheir love.  All the things that he had wanted with Buffy and all
the things he had yet to have found shared with her.  With a silent sigh,
he concluded that whatever the circumstances, whatever the complications
in Angel and Buffy's relationship, Dead boy was a lucky man - of sorts.

    "A vampire in love with a slayerà" the thought still preceded to
intrigue Giles no matter how long such a relationship had occurred before
his eyes.  Indeed it was rather one of poetic implements, but despite its
classical thematic trend, he hadn't a clue as to what to determine for
this delicate situation.  It wasn't much that he didn't really know
whether to approve or rather not to approve, but it was more on the lines
that he knew that no matter he said, Buffy would go about doing as she
wished.  Although it gave the slayer so much more of a free spirit, it
didn't do much for the already-thrashed nerves of her Watcher.

    "I better go," Angel said as he hesitantly pulled away from her,
unaware of the eyes that analyzed them, "The sun's going to come up in a
couple of hoursàbetter to be safe than sorry."

    "Okay," she said softly, very much aware of the Scooby Gang's
prying eyes, but not very much caring about anything but Angel.

    His lips brushed hers softly and he smiled his especially
reserved "Buffy" smile and walked out the door.

     "I'm telling you Buffy, that's the form of a player," Xander
kicked into his sarcastic demeanor.

    She turned to him and said, "The way I see it, Xander, that's the
form of the intensely romantic."

    He rolled his eyes, "If you're going to justify it like that -
heyàwhere's the slayage 'cause the Slayer's burning tracks."

    "Buffy, I'm pretty sure that all in all, Angel's not really of
want of your assistance," Giles said as he replaced his glasses on his
face after his periodical clean.

    "Of course, he doesn't want me to help," she said with raised
eyebrows, "he may be a vampire, but he's about as arrogant as any guy."

    "Whoa - whoaàhold on!"  Xander said defensively, "Why is it that
you always find the need to debunk my gender in your compare and
contrast?

    "I'd kind of like to know that answer myself," Giles agreed.

    Buffy smiled and said brightly, "Debunkàcan you do anything but?"


    "Wha - " Xander began, but she had already walked out the door,
"Once again, on behalf of my genderàHey!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

    Angel took a deep breath as he trudged across the sheath of
darkness that still held over the never peaceful town of Sunnydale.  He
recalled the Tidier curseàa consequence of his actions as Angelus when
his teeth puncturing the neck of the Mishala Rtyira.  A week or so later,
he had been given a soul and it was a week or so later too late.  They
had taken him into their home and trusted him and what did the demon
inside him do, but give them an ongoing curse that meant his death?  He
had managed to avoid the Cursed Tidier of each generation and he knew
that by avoiding him they led a miserable life of searching and seeking
that resulted in a painful death every time a new generation was spawned.
 He felt each deathàhis mind was connected to them and every time one of
them died, he felt himself die a little too.

    Now, he would soon become faced-to-faced with a Tidier who
probably loathed him for destroying their potential life.  He could
relate recalling the night over two centuries ago his life had ended, but
he had been reborn from then until now.  He could only hope that the same
could be done for a Tidier.

    "Angelus," a voice said from behind him.

    He turned slowly and knew that prophecy was drawing a lot nearer
than he originally thought it would.  Angel swallowed hard as he saw that
it was just a young girl who had so much of her life in front of her
until this duty had to overtake her and for a second the image of Buffy
flashed in his mind.

    "Who are you?"

    "Oh, don't play games with me, Angelusàyou know who I am," she
said as he saw the fire of hate and of hurt flicker in her eyes, "Very
wellàI am Leifa Tidier and I am going to kill you."

_____________________________________________________________________
You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail.
Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com
Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866]

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 1 Aug 1998 08:06:59 EDT
From: <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: "Starting Over" 6/13

"Starting Over" (6/13)
Section 1
by Jaclyn Link


TITLE: Starting Over
E-MAIL: [e-mail]
DISTRIBUTION: Ask me first, but I=92ll probably say yes.
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: None, but if you haven=92t seen Becoming, you might not want to=
 read
=09this.
SUMMARY: Buffy had left Sunnydale via bus after sending Angel to Hell. On=
 the=0Abus =09she met the next Watcher in line, Andrew, and decided to li=
ve with him=0Aand his =09Slayer, Shy. After a visit from Drusilla, Andrew=
 is injured and in=0Athe hospital. =09Giles comes to bring Buffy back to =
Sunnydale, telling her that=0Ahe knows how to =09bring Angel back from He=
ll.
DISCLAIMER: Joss Wheden, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Telivision, 20th Century=
 Fox,=0A=09the WB, Kuzui Productions, etc. own all the character from the=
 show Buffy the=0A=09Vampire Slayer.
FEEDBACK: Please send it to me.
AUTHOR=92S NOTE: This story is in two sections. The second section will b=
e a=0Asequal =09to this under the same name. Also, special thanks to AleX=
ander=0A=09([e-mail]) for the use of his wonderful ep transcri=
ps which can be=0A=09accessed at http://slayerfanfic.com/transcript.html.
***
=09"What?" Buffy asked, not believing what she heard.
=09"Xander actually found the ritual to bring Angel back, not me," Giles =
said.=0A"He said that he felt guilty for some reason."
=09"Angel," she whispered. Tears of joy started to roll down her cheeks. =
Reality=0Athen started to seep in. How can I face him after what I did to=
 him? she=0Athought to herself.
=09"Buffy, are you alright? I thought you=92d be happy at the news."
=09"I am. I am."
=09"Well, then, let=92s go."
=09"I, I can=92t."
=09"Why not?"
=09"Shy." They both looked at her. "Andrew is in the hospital. We had a v=
isit=0Afrom Drusilla. I=92m taking care of her."
=09"Go," Shy said. "I can take care of myself. You deserve to have Angel.=
"
=09"No," Buffy said, "I told Andrew that I=92d take care of you, and that=
=92s what=0AI=92ll do."
=09The phone rang, and Buffy rushed to pick it up. "Hello?"
=09"Hi, Buffy. It=92s Andrew."
=09"Andrew. Guess who=92s here? Giles. Gee, I wonder how he knew that I w=
as=0Astaying with you."
=09"Look, I=92m sorry, but it was my duty. I-"
=09"Hey, no biggie. Water under the bridge. There=92s just one problem."
=09"What?"
=09"He wants me to come home with him so that we can bring Angel back fro=
m Hell.=0ABut I don=92t want to leave Shy."
=09"Why don=92t you take her with you."
=09"To Sunnydale?"
=09"Yeah. She can see how you live for a while. And after I am well again=
, I can=0Atake her back with me."
=09Buffy didn=92t hesitate. "Okay. Yeah, that=92s great. I=92ll have her =
call you when=0Awe get there."
=09"I=92ll talk to you soon."
=09"Bye."
=09As soon as Buffy hung up the phone, she picked it up again and dialed =
her=0Amother=92s number.
=09"Hello, you=92ve reached the Summer=92s home. We=92re unable to talk r=
ight now, but=0Aif you leave you=92re name, number, and message, we=92ll =
get back to you as soon=0Aas possible."
=09"Hi, Mom," Buffy said. "It=92s Buffy. I was just calling to tell you t=
hat I am=0Acoming home. I am coming home."
***
End Part 6

End of Section 1

"It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passi=
on,=0Amaybe we=92d know some kind of peace. But we would be hallow. Empty=
 rooms,=0Ashuddered and dank. Without passion, we=92d be truly dead." -An=
gel, Passion

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 1 Aug 1998 08:09:06 EDT
From: <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: "Starting Over" (7/13)

"Starting Over" (7/13)
Section 2
by Jaclyn Link


TITLE: Starting Over
E-MAIL: [e-mail]
DISTRIBUTION: Ask me first, but I=92ll probably say yes.
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: None, but if you haven=92t seen Becoming, you might not want to=
 read
=09this.
SUMMARY: Buffy had left Sunnydale via bus after sending Angel to Hell. On=
 the=0Abus =09she met the next Watcher in line, Andrew, and decided to li=
ve with him=0Aand his Slayer, Shy. After a visit from Drusilla, Andrew is=
 injured and in the=0Ahospital. Giles =09comes to bring Buffy back to Sun=
nydale, telling her that he=0Aknows how to get =09Angel back from Hell. T=
hey take Shy with them.
DISCLAIMER: Joss Wheden, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Telivision, 20th Century=
 Fox,=0A=09the WB, Kuzui Productions, etc. own all the character from the=
 show Buffy the=0A=09Vampire Slayer.
FEEDBACK: Please send it to me.
AUTHOR=92S NOTE: This story is in two sections. The second section will b=
e a=0Asequal =09to the first section under the same name. Also, special t=
hanks to=0AAleXander =09=09([e-mail]) for the use of his wonde=
rful ep transcrips=0Awhich can be =09accessed at http://slayerfanfic.com/=
transcript.html.=09
***
=09Buffy took a deep breath before entering the library. How can I face m=
y=0Afriends after leaving? she thought. As she pushed through the doors, =
she saw=0AWillow and Oz by the computer, Xander huddled over a book , and=
 Cordelia=0Afixing her lipstick.
=09As soon as Buffy stepped foot in the library, everyone looked up. Xand=
er was=0Athe first to stand up, and Buffy ran to him and hugged him. For =
one of the=0Afirst times in his life, Xander was speechless.
=09"Buffy," Willow said. "Where were you? We were so worried."
=09"Long story," Buffy said. "It=92s not important." She sighed as she pu=
lled=0Aaway. "God, it=92s good to be back. I=92ve missed you guys so much=
."
=09"Where=92s Giles?" asked Cordelia.
=09"He took Shy, the Slayer, to his house. She=92s going to be spending a=
 couple=0Aof days with us."
=09"I=92m sorry," Willow started, "that I did the curse a second time so =
that=0AAngel went to Hell."
=09"Don=92t be. It wasn=92t your fault. I should have stopped him from ta=
king out=0Athe sword."
=09"But that=92ll all be better now, =91cause I found the ritual," Xander=
 said.
=09"Thank you so much, Xander. You have no idea how much this means to me=
."
=09"Oz and I talked to some of Ms. Calendar=92s friends from her technopa=
gen=0Asights. We=92ll be able to pull this off."
=09"We=92re so glad you=92re back," Cordelia said. "You don=92t know how =
scared I=92ve=0Abeen to be in this library without any protection."
=09"Hey," Xander said defensively.
=09"So, what do we have to do?" Buffy asked.
=09"Well," Willow said, "we need to reawaken Acathla and open the vortex.=
=0ASomeone has to retrieve Angel from Hell by passing four tests: loyalty=
,=0Afriendship, strength, and forgiveness. If the person fails one of the=
 tests,=0Ahe is trapped in Hell for eternity. But if they pass, they reac=
h Angel. The=0Aonly way that they can get out is if they have this." She =
held up the knife=0AAngel had cut his hand with. "Since Angel=92s blood o=
pened and closed the=0Avortex, it will free him from Hell, as well as any=
one with him."
=09"Any volunteers?" Cordelia asked.
=09"I will," Xander said.
=09"No," Buffy spoke sternly, "you can=92t. I won=92t let you go into Hel=
l and=0Apossibly not survive because of what I did. I=92m the one that=92=
s going."
=09"I deserve to," said Xander.
=09"You weren=92t the one who sent him to Hell, Xander."
=09"No, but I could=92ve stopped you." He took a deep breath. "Buffy, rem=
ember=0Awhen I came to help you get Giles? I said that Willow wanted me t=
o tell you=0Asomething."
=09"So?"
=09"So, she wanted me to tell you she was trying the curse again, not to =
kick=0Ahis ass."
=09Buffy=92s expression changed. She opened her mouth to say something, b=
ut=0Anothing came out. Looking at him, realizing that he was also respons=
ible for=0AAngel, she hit him and walked out of the library.
=09"Buffy, wait! I can explain!" Xander called after her. But she wasn=92=
t=0Alistening.
=09"Xander," Willow said. "I thought you were my friend. I thought you we=
re her=0Afriend. But no, you=92re so selfish that you put your happiness =
above hers.=0ABuffy deserves to be with Angel. She loves him. I you reall=
y loved her, you=0Awould have let her have him. You=92re so caught up in =
your own jealousness that=0Ayou didn=92t even think what this would do to=
 Buffy. Or worse yet, you didn=92t=0Aeven care. Xander Harris, you=92ve d=
one some pretty low things before, but this=0Atops them all. I=92m going =
to go make sure Buffy is okay." Willow started to=0Awalk out of the libra=
ry with Oz following her.
=09"You still love her, don=92t you?" Cordelia asked. "Why can=92t you ju=
st be happy=0Awith me?"
=09"Cordelia-"
=09"Spare me," she hissed. "Y=92know, I thought you were different from t=
he other=0Aguys, but I guess I was wrong." She grabbed her purse and stor=
med out of the=0Alibrary.
=09Xander just stood there, regretting what he said. Looking over to the =
table,=0Ahe saw the knife and the book he of the ritual. Picking them up,=
 he started to=0Aleave the library. I have to make it up to her, he thoug=
ht. Well, here=92s my=0Achance=85
***
End Part 7

"It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passi=
on,=0Amaybe we=92d know some kind of peace. But we would be hallow. Empty=
 rooms,=0Ashuddered and dank. Without passion, we=92d be truly dead."  -A=
ngel, Passion

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 1 Aug 1998 12:21:32 -0700
From: [e-mail] (Charity C. T.)
Subject: BUFFYFIC: REVISED: Chronicles (1/?)

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Although I am not done with the Chronicles series, I am
currently revising what I found to be unsatisfactory early
installments...  I suppose revising is not a good word, but rather
re-writing in hopes to establish a better foundation to this story which
has reached into installments of 20s.

TITLE: Chronicles of the White Knight #1 Loving in the Shadows
AUTHOR: Taygeta
E-MAIL: [e-mail]
FEEDBACK:  Pretty please with a cherry on top!
DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just tell me first.
RATING: PG-13
DESCRIPTION: Buffy/Xander fanfic series
DISCLAIMER:  The characters any such reference to Buffy the Vampire
Slayer television series belong to their creator, Joss Whedon, and their
owners, Mutant Enemy productions, Kuzui Productions, Sandollar
Productions, and 20th Century Fox. In other words, they do not belong to
me.  Copyright infringement not intended.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Chronicles of the White Knight
#1 Loving in the Shadows
By: Taygeta

    Angelus had once called him, Buffy's White Knight, and as he
contemplated, he supposed that he had been something of the sort to
Buffy, but all he had been doing was first and foremost being her friend,
although, there were many who would probably think otherwise.  He cared
for Buffyàit was as simple as that, but obviously, his feelings were
unencumbered by the boundaries of friendship.  He wished for more than
just simple talks and inside jokes, all in all, he loved that he had
those moments with her, but that didn't draw from the fact that he was
*in* love with her and that she didn't love him back.

    She would never see him beyond the Xander, the guy who was just
one of the girls, complex she had bestowed on his unlucky head.  There
were momentsàthere are *always* momentsàin which he thought he saw the
possibility of her caring more for him, but they were fleeting increments
of time that he had convinced himself meant nothing.  They couldn't
*mean* anything so long as she was in love with Angel.

    The moment Xander had realized what Angel represented to heràthe
love and romance he wanted to have signified in her lifeàthat window of
friendship closed.  He resented Angel until no return and despite an
established median of understanding between them, a friendship could not
exist.  They were inclined to hate each otheràthey both wanted what only
one could haveàBuffy's love, and guess who got the short end of that?

     Beneath any of his negative feelings about Angel, he knew that
deep down he was happy for Buffy because she found love, the rarest of
the rare, despite its impending restraints.  He didn't necessarily
approve nor did he like the relationship so often and inadvertently
thrown in his face, but he had accepted it as fact.   There was nothing
he could do about it and rather than make the trouble he'd accept it as
mundaneàit was mundane if you considered the locale and it's locals.

    But that was then, and this is nowàAngel was no longer Angel.
The demon inside him had been relinquished when he had lost his soul, and
thus Angelus took reign.  With him, Buffy no longer met happiness and
only faced the evil and darkness and pain that he was determined to
revenge upon her for making him feel so human.  Despite her strong
demeanor, Xander could see her sorrow in her eyes and it hurt to know
that he couldn't do anything to make it go away.

    "XanderàCordelia is on the phone," he heard his mother say from
downstairs.

    "Tell her I call her back, Mom," he said with a sigh.

    Cordelia Chase placed quite a dilemma in his mind.  What was this
*thing* that he had with her?  A year ago if someone had told him he
would be dating Cordelia, he would have laughed his head offànow he
didn't know whether to laugh or kill himself before she killed him.  Not
that Cordy was bad for his health, but he didn't know the whichever way
that they were going towards and not to mention there were his feelings
of Buffy that didn't easy matters much.  Sometimes, no matter how many
times they had their 'meetings' in closets, he didn't think it felt all
that rightàas if he was pulling some sort of charade.

    Determining what he felt for Buffy was simpleàeverything, even
the hesitance of the possible lost of their close friendship said yes.
Every time he looked at her, he felt like never wanting to look away, but
always knowing that he would always have to.  Cordelia, on the other
hand, was the equivalent of a million possibilities that never could
equal yes or no, but was dormant somewhere in the haze between.  So,
maybe he would never have Buffy's love and maybe dating Cordy was the
right thing to do, but the keyword was maybe.  He didn't know and wasn't
sure he wanted to know what lay beyond that.

    And that was what was left in his daily contemplation, an uneasy,
unsettling void that could never be filled until an ultimate conclusion
on want and what have could be made.  Until then, *always* until then, he
would have to make do with a love too scared to be presentedàwith a heart
fearful of pain too often feltàwith the wish that the shadows that hid
all this would some day no longer be.

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