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buffyfic-digest        Wednesday, July 22 1998        Volume 02 : Number 271



In this issue:

       BUFFYFIC: Libidinous 7/?
       BUFFYFIC: Capeside #11
       BUFFYFIC: I Reached Out (1/1)
       BUFFYFIC: Long Distance (1/1)

See the end of the digest for information on (un)subscribing to the buffyfic
or buffyfic-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Wed, 22 Jul 1998 22:07:08 EDT
From: <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Libidinous 7/?

Title~ Libidinous  7/?
Author~ Shani
Notes~ in psychoanalytlic theories, the libido is the driving force behind all
human actions
Summary~  A Buffy/Angel story with a few twists.  Involves characters from
General Hospital, but yoiu donÆt have to watch GH to understand this fic.  I
did change a thing or two around for you GH fans.
Disclaimer~  All characters of Buffy the Vampire Slayer belong to Joss
Whendon, Mutant Enemy Productions, Kuzui Enterprises, Sandollar Productions,
and 20th Century Fox.  ôI DonÆt Knowö belongs to Celine Dion and can be found
on her ôFalling Into Youö cd.  All characters of General hospital belong to
ABC.

Chapter 7, I DonÆt Know

<A mountain of stone, a door of steel
  CanÆt stand in my way, IÆd go on
  Brutal machines, unbending laws
  CanÆt slow me down, IÆd go on>

    Angel was trapped within his own body.  He wanted to scream.  He wanted to
break free, but was unable.  He had no control over his actions.  His only
weapon against his invader was thought.  Even thought was difficult.  It was
as if he were suspended in nothingness.  He heard what Arcanus forced out of
his mouth.  He knew the actions Arcanus performed using his body, but he felt
nothing.  Just numbing cold.  Though he fought with everything he thought he
had, Arcanus remained in control.

<IÆve learned how to deal, and when to fight
  I know whatÆs real, I know whatÆs right
  IÆm not afraid, a wounded dove
  I can be tender, in a world so tough>

    For a moment, Angel shut his thoughts down.  Only then did he hear the
thoughts of Arcanus.
    æGive up, for you are weak.  Once I destroy the Slayer, I will choose a new
body, and we will rule together.Æ
    Angel didnÆt reply.  æHe planned to destroy Buffy.  This demon planned to
destory *his* Buffy and rule over...well, what exactly?  The world, no,
Arcanus is not that stong.  Port Charles?  ItÆs possible.Æ

<IÆm sure I could face the bitter cold
  But life without you, I donÆt know
  The winds of the heart can blow me down
  But I get right up and I stand my ground>

    Angel found a new motivation to fight.  It was a stength he hadnÆt recognized
in himself before.  He would fight for Buffy.  He had an advantage that she
didnÆt, he could get inside ArcanusÆ thoughts.  Angel let himself drift.  He
drifted into his mind, a mind that was being controlled by a demon.  Angel
could sense ArcanusÆ thoughts and memories.  He had done quite a bit of damage
in his time.  æHe escaped from Hell with me.  How is that possible?Æ

<IÆve tasted fear, my share of pain
  The wasted tears of love in vain
  IÆve held you tight, pushed you away
  Now with all my might, I beg you to stay
  IÆm sure I could face the bitter cold
  But life without you, I donÆt know>

    He knew what he had to do.  Buffy would face Arcanus eventually.  Angel could
try to regain control now, but knew that he would loose.  For now, he would
remain tucked away within himself, saving strength, storing energy, and
gaining knowledge.  He would stike when Arcanus was distracted, when he faced
the Slayer.

<I know what I want, I know what I need
  But thereÆs just one thing I must believe
  Deep in the night, by a dying flame
  You will be there, when I call your name
  IÆm sure I could face the bitter cold
  But life without you, I donÆt know
  I donÆt know>
</PRE></HTML>

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 22 Jul 1998 19:51:02 -0700
From: [e-mail] (Charity C. T.)
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Capeside #11

TITLE: Capeside: the Hellmouth #11 Lycanthrope
AUTHOR: Taygeta
E-MAIL: [e-mail]
DISTRIBUTION: Sure...just tell me where it's gonna go.
RATING: PG
SERIES: A Dawson's Creek/Buffy Crossover
DISCLAIMER: The characters and any other reference to Dawson's Creek are
the property of, creator, Kevin Williamson. The characters portrayed and
in reference to Buffy the Vampire Slayer belong to its creator Joss
Whedon, and it's owners Mutant Enemy Productions, Kuzui Enterprises,
Sandollar Productions, and 20th Century Fox.  In other words, they do not
belong to me and I am just borrowing them.  No copyright infringement is
intended.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Capeside: the Hellmouth
#11 Lycanthrope
By: Taygeta

    Buffy and Xander stood with widened eyes at the werewolf-type
form that Joey held.  Silence was probably the best word to describe it
allàutterless, absoluteàsilence.  Rustling leaves and pounding hiking
boots on foliage broke the quiet and the two Sunnydale residents eyed the
heavily-breathing Capeside Slayerettes with an expression that read,
"What's going on?"

    "Joeyàare you okay?"  Jen asked cautiously as she looked at her
appearance altered best friend.

    "I'm fineàjust leave him alone," she insisted, "He didn't mean
any harmàhe thought we were going to hurt himàI was too close.  He didn't
mean to bite me, it just happened."

    "Umàall righty," frowned Xander as he slowly approached her, "We
got that, but what we don't get exactly isàwhat happened to you?"

    "I'm not sure," she replied as she bit her lower lip, "It doesn't
matteràas long as you let him goàlet him go home."

    Buffy walked towards her and said, "He can go homeàif you think
it's okayàwe'll let him leave."

    The human she-wolf smiled appreciatively and gave the werewolf
that stood distantly away, a look, it ran off and far, howling as it
left, "Thanks."

    "We better take you to, the Watchers," Angel said tentatively and
she nodded in agreement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

    "Fascinating," Giles muttered under his breath as he eyed Joey
carefully and he glared at Ms. Calendar when she kicked his shin.

    She returned the look and turned to the matter at hand, "As far
as I can tell, Joey, your body absorbed some of the werewolf saliva and
took it through your blood stream.  Although there wasn't enough of it to
turn you completely into the creature you came upon, there was just
enough of it to turn you into this."

    "Joey, can you revert back into your old state?"  Giles
questioned curiously, "It may work in the same sense as Dawson's
transformation abilities of human and vampire."

    "Well, I don't knowà how exactly does a vampire/human
transformation work?" she asked with raised eyebrows as she glanced at
Dawson.

    The blonde vampire sat beside her, his smooth skin altered into
his rough ragged game face, and she observed him as he took a few breaths
and the reverse took process.  "It's all a matter of want for a
vampireàit was hard for me to change from vampire to human again after
the spell, but I wanted to look human again and it worked."

    "Okay, it can't hurt to give it a try," she said and she took a
few breaths and felt her skin and face altering back to its normal self,
"Do I look alright, am I severely and gratefully lacking in the fangs?"

    "Well it's a good thing to know that werewolf spit hasn't
affected your vocabulary," Xander joked and everyone, except for Joey who
laughed, gave him a look, "What?  She laughed."

    "Okay," Buffy said as she gave Xander a light sock in the arm for
his pathetic joke attempts, which by human standards was not so light,
"Let me get this straight.  Who do we now have on the Slayer Brigade?  A
witch, a wizard, a vampire with a soul, an almost wolf girl, two normal -
if you can actually say that - teenagers, one college student, a
librarian, a Computer Science teacher, and a slayeràis that it?"

    "Buffy," Xander said with a faint smile, "I think it's safe to
say your secret identity is safe to usàall whacked out and not exactly of
the norm nine of us."

    "Wonderfulà" the Watchers muttered as they looked at the group of
students in front of them and Ms. Calendar wondered if Slayer 101 was
large enough to be an official class.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

    Xander and Joey roamed the graveyard armed with the usual crosses
and stakes.  It was another night of patrolling a few weeks later, and
everyone had found themselves with a new Brigade buddy, except for Joey
and Xander who were always pairing with each other as of late.  After the
werewolf incident, he had told Joey about his experiences inhabited by a
hyena and wanted to know if she had any problems with what she had to
deal and whether he could help.  Although he usually joked about anything
he said about his "amnesia" to the inhabitance, he remembered everything
as vividly as day, but no one had been there that could relate to him
that he felt comfortable talking to.  He didn't want Joey to go through
that, and in that alone, they had become better friends.

    "So, you feeling okayàit's a full moon, y'know," he asked in a
concerned voice.

    She smiled at his thoughtfulness, "I'm fine, Xander, and the moon
doesn't effect my changes, remember?  I change on my own accord."

    "RightàI know, just wondering," he said with a shrug wishing he
hadn't inquired in the first place.

    "You're a really sweet guy, Xander, when you're not falling,
crashing, and saying stupid stuffàthat leaves about 20 minutes of good
Xander," she said and started to laugh at his "very funny" look.  "No,
seriously though, you are kind, but why on earth are you dating
Druscilla?  It seems to me that you have your eyes on a certain vampire
slayer that you're too scared to approach."

    He sighed and sat down beneath a tree and she sat beside him,
"Joey, I have tried.  Maybe not on the continuous, but I have tried.  The
first timeàGod, I thought I was going to die, I just sort of tumbled,
crashed, and burned the moment she told me, 'I don't.'  Took me the
entire summer to get over heràto move on, at least I thought I did.  I
was this close to pushing my feelings away, ignoring them, that I almost
kissed my best friend, but luckily I didn't and that tension kind of
fizzled out, sort of, but that's another story.  Anyway, she came back
and was definitely not herself because the last time I saw her she had
killed this horrendous demonàkinda traumatized her for awhile.  Even when
she was acting her total worse - what she didàwhat she said - I never
reached a point in my angry or my sadness to stop the way I felt about
her.  I couldn't ignore it, it just kept coming back, and even though I
never said anything to anyone, even got myself a girlfriend in the
process, it was there.  Now about Druscilla, she's a nice girl once you
get to know her, and I kinda see her as a friend, someone I hang out with
at the Bronze sometimes, not really dating."

    "I'm not sure Dru thinks the same thing, but does Buffy know
about any of this?" she inquired, "Have you approached her romantically
in Capeside?"

    "I told her I loved her, which was probably the worst mistake in
my entire life," he replied as he looked back on the incident, "Although
I kinda wonder what would have happened if I had only turned back when
she called."

    "Why didn't you?"  Joey said curiously.

    He took a deep breath and began, "Because I was sick and tired of
running to her every beck and call, even though for a second there I did
think of going back, but than I remembered that s he was dead-set on
loving Angel.  So I kinda figuredàwhat's the point?"

    The brunette froze and raised her eyebrows, "Wait a minuteàshe
was in love with Angel, but she only knew him for like a month."

    "You swear not to saying anything?"  Xander asked silently
scolding himself for letting that slip, but he trusted her and when she
nodded her head, he continued, "You see, we haven't exactly told you guys
everything about Sunnydale.  Umàback home, we had a vampire with a soul
and that was Angel, andàuhàunder some circumstances he kinda reverted to
his evil self.  He did some evil deeds as Angelus, including killing our
Ms. Calendar, but you could tell that Buffy still loved him, even if she
had to fight him.  She's strong, Buffy is, and I think that before we got
trapped in this alternate universe, she was beginning to get the strength
to kill him."

    "So she was blinded by the image she knew of Angel and she fell
in love with the one Capeside had to offer?"  Joey finished and in the
distance, Angel and Oz, who ended up in a patrolling pair, was hearing
the entire story.

    The wild-haired wizard glanced at his friend, "Soàthe slayer
chick's in love with youàwhat are you going to do?"

    "I - I haven't a clue, what to do," Angel said as he was trying
to absorb all of this information, "UmàI guess I'm going to have a talk
with her, but I'm getting the feeling that Xander's taking this all
wrong.  I mean, I'm pretty sure she's getting the distinction that I'm
nothing like the Angel from Sunnydaleàat least I hope so."

    As Oz listened intently to the college student, something caught
his eye, "UhàAngàI think a swift exit is of the absolute necessity."

    "Huhàoh," came the reply as Angel's eyes widened at the group of
werewolves a few feet away from them, "Run."

    They ran and paused at Joey and Xander, "Guys, werewolves."

    "Calm down," the she-wolf said as she underwent her rarely seen
transformation, "I think I can talk to themàI won't let them hurt youàI
promised."

    She approached the creatures confidently, but there was an air of
wariness to her stride.  One, apparently, a type of leaderà which Xander
thought was funny since he thought he heard Giles say something about
them being typically loners, or maybe that was Sunnydale
philosophyàwalked towards her.  They looked into each other's eyes as if
communicating, and the three guys wondered, what exactly was going on.

    "Come homeàyou must come home," the creature's voice whispered in
her mind with urgency.

    "But this is my home," Joey responded, surprised at how at ease
she was in this telekinetic language, "I've lived here all my life."

    "But are you happy here, little one?  Have the humans been able
to dealt with your near transformation?" the elder wolf responded with
much concern, "The Lycanthrope are more than willing to let you into our
society."

    She smiled, "Yes, Elder, I am quite happy hereàthe people I love
are hereàand they won't treat me differently because of this gift you
have set forth on me.  This new found intellect and understanding for
creatures other than that of mankind, and for this I thank you."

    "If that is your wish, child, so be it," was the creature's reply
and before she broke their link she continued, "I bid you well in this
life and you will always be welcomedàremember thatàwe shall always help
one that is our ownà"

    With that, Joey transformed back into her former self and the
pack that lingered, slipped silently away with it's leader, returning to
the darknessà

_____________________________________________________________________
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------------------------------

Date: Thu, 23 Jul 1998 00:01:34 EDT
From: <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: I Reached Out (1/1)

TITLE: I Reached Out (1/1)
AUTHOR: Melinda Frango
EMAIL ADDRESS: [e-mail]
DISTRIBUTION: It's up at Rebecca's 'Becoming' archive.
http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Studio/7223/becoming.html
Go check it out and let her know how much you appreciate all the
work she put into it.
SPOILER WARNING: After Becoming part two.
RATING: PG, If you watch the show than you can read this.
FEEDBACK:  It would be greatly appreciated. Drop me a line telling
me what you think of it.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Buffy or Angel. They belong to Joss Whedon,
the WB, etc.
SUMMARY: From Buffy's POV. An alternate ending to the ending
of 'Becoming.' Be forewarned, it's not exactly happy, but something
I'm sure many of us were thinking about.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I wrote this a little while after 'Becoming' but I never got a
chance to send it to this list. Sorry if you've read it already. :)
~~~~~~~~

I never would have lowered my sword if it wasn't the tears in his
eyes that made me do so. I knew that even as hard as he tried
Angelus would never be able to shed a tear. That's when I knew it
was my Angel. When his face clouded over with concern when he
saw the cut on my arm, I had no more doubts.

Willow did this, I know she did. She restored his soul, I don't know
how I'll ever be able to repay her. He didn't remember what happened,
didn't remember what had been going on the past few months. When
he does the pain and guilt will overwhelm him. I'll be there though. I'll
be there to reassure him it wasn't his fault. I'll be there as he's been
there for me.

All thoughts flew out of my mind as he drew me into his arms in a tight
hug. I couldn't stop the tears from leaving my eyes. It has been to long
and I closed my eyes to savor the moment.

The wound in my heart started to close up slowly; it started to heal now
that I knew he was back, but it bursted open once again when I opened
my eyes and saw the statues mouth open and the vortex begin to form.
'No, not now, please! I just got him back!" my mind screamed. I was so
caught up in thoughts of having Angel back with me I completely forgot
that Angelus had pulled the sword and inevitably the vortex opened and
now needed to be closed. I would have to sacrifice Angel for the world.

He didn't deserve that; to be sacrificed for the world. Angelus did,
this is all his fault. Not Angel's. Why won't fate ever let me be happy?
Have I done something so wrong that I had to lose my love twice?

He drew away from me and looked into my eyes. He must've felt my
body tense up, he always knew when something was wrong. When he
asked me what was going on I told him not to worry about it. I didn't
want him to know, didn't want to get into it. Not when I only had a few
more minutes with him.

I brought my hand up to touch his face. I memorized every detail, I
would never forget this face. I was being selfish. I brought my lips up
to meet his and kissed him. It would be our last kiss, but as he
returned it he didn't know that. I told him I loved him as the tears
threatened to overflow again. When he told me he loved me too my
heart sank even more, he was making this so hard.

He closed his eyes when I asked him to. He always had so much trust
in me and so much faith that I would do the right thing. Please, God, let
him forgive me. Let him know I never would have done what I'm about to
do if it wasn't for the world. I drew my hand back and without
hesitation I plunged my sword into his chest.

His eyes flashed open and he looked at me with a betrayed look in
them. I couldn't stand it. If he had to suffer, I was going to suffer with
him. When he called my name and reached out for me, I bid a silent
goodbye to my friends and family and I reached out and grasped his
hand tightly as the vortex closed around us both.

I saw the last glimpse of my world as it closed; my hand was still
tightly wrapped in Angel's. We were in darkness, in Hell, but at least
we were together.

The End

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 23 Jul 1998 00:01:44 EDT
From: <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Long Distance (1/1)

TITLE:  Long Distance (1/1)
AUTHOR: Melinda Frango
EMAIL ADDRESS: [e-mail]
DISTRIBUTION: Rebecca can have it for her 'Becoming' archive, if
she wants it.
SPOILER WARNING: After Becoming part two.
RATING: PG, If you watch the show than you can read this.
FEEDBACK:  It would be greatly appreciated. Drop me a line telling
me what you think of it.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Buffy, Willow, or any other character
mentioned. They belong to Joss Whedon, the WB, etc.
SUMMARY: About two months after Buffy left Sunnydale, she contacts
Willow via the telephone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hello," Willow answered, softly after the telephone rang for the
tenth time.

She had tried to ignore the insistant ringing, hoping that whoever
was trying to contact her would get the idea that she wanted to be
 left alone. However it didn't seem to be working out the way she
wanted it to. Ever since Buffy had left, she had felt. . . alone. Sure
 she had Xander, Giles, Oz, and sometimes even Cordelia, but they
 weren't Buffy. She couldn't talk to any of them the way she did with
Buffy. Buffy always listened to anything she had to say, she was
always there for her, even when she had problems of her own. And
 now without even a goodbye she was gone. She was angry about
that. That Buffy had just left without saying goodbye to her, it made
 her feel unimportant in Buffy's eyes.

"Willow?" the voice on the other end of the line asked, hesitantly,
unsure.

"Yes, who is this?" Willow questioned, not recognizing the voice.

"I-It's Buffy."

Time froze in that instant. It had been almost two months since
the Slayer had left Sunnydale and now right out of the blue, when
Willow least expected it she decides to call. She snapped back
 into reality when she realized Buffy was calling her name.

"Buffy? Oh, my God! Where have you been? Are you okay?
Where are you? When are you coming home? What happened?"
Willow rambled off every question that her mind had been asking.

"I'm fine, Willow," Buffy assured. "I can't tell you where I am or
you'll come looking for me and I don't want to be found, and I don't
know when. . . or even if I'll be coming home.

Willow sighed. "Tell me what happened," she pleaded.

There was a long silence before Buffy answered, probably gathering
 her thoughts or building up the courage to tell her best friend what
 drove her away.

"It was awful, Willow. I feel so empty inside. Like I don't have a
reason to be anymore," she confessed.

"D-Did the spell work?"

Willow could hear Buffy let out a small whimper. Whatever
happened must've have been terrible.

"It worked," she replied, hoarsely. "And then I had to send him to
Hell to close the portal. I got to kiss him one last time, I told him I
loved him, and then I. . ." Buffy paused before continuing.

"He had this look of betrayel on his face when I shoved the sword
into him. He trusted me and I betrayed him. You don't know how
 badly I wanted to go with him. If he had to suffer I wanted to suffer
 with him."

Willow listened from the other end of the phone; tears streamed
down her face. She could feel her friends pain, her anguish, her
loss, her guilt. She cried for Buffy's beaten soul and for Angel's,
who didn't deserve to be put in Hell along with the demon. If only
she had done the ritual earlier.

"God, it hurts, Willow," Buffy sobbed. "I miss him. I got him back
 only to lose him again. I can't stop thinking about him, that damn
 look. God, I killed the man I love."

"Buffy, it wasn't your fault. I'm sure he doesn't blame you. Come
home, we can find a way to get him out. Please."

"No, I can't. I couldn't face him. What would I say? 'Sorry for
sending you to Hell, wanna go see a movie?'  No, I. . . I just
 need to move on. I need to start over," Buffy explained.

"Buffy stop running away. We need you. Angel needs you," Willow
replied.

"The last thing any of you need is me. I've put you in enough
danger already. I already lost Angel, and I'll be damned if I lose
any of you as well."

"We choose to do this, Buffy. Any danger we become involved
with is by choice. We know the risks and we choose to take
 them, to help you. And if we die doing so, at least we'll die
knowing we've saved the world on occasion," Willow defended.

Buffy couldn't take it anymore. She figured it would be easy to
 call Willow and let her know that she was alright, and now she
was making her feel guilty about leaving. Willow is her best friend,
 one of the very few who understood her, who stood by her through
thick and thin. The one who always took her side when the subject
 pertained Angel. It was Willow who restored his soul in time for
her to say goodbye, and now Buffy was feeling uncomfortable
talking to her.

"I have to go. My bus is here," Buffy said, looking for the
quickest way out of the conversation. "Tell everyone that I'm
sorry and that I love them."

"You never said goodbye. Did I mean nothing to you that I didn't
even deserve a goodbye," Willow blurted out.

"God, no Willow. Your my best friend. I just needed to leave, to
get away from everything and if I came to say goodbye, I know
 I wouldn't have been able to leave. Besides goodbye sounds
so. . . final. I don't want this to be final."

"We miss you. Xander, Giles, me. We want you to come home.
 Let us help you through this."

"No, I need to think about things, be by myself for awhile. It has
 nothing to do with you, don't believe that any of you drove me
away," Buffy stated. "I really need to be going now. I'll call you
again . . . sometime."

Willow didn't answer, she swallowed against the lump forming in
 her throat. She nodded, but then realized Buffy couldn't see her.
 "Yeah, I'll see ya," she settled for.

She heard a soft goodbye in reply and then the wail of the dial
tone. "Goodbye," she whispered into the dial tone. She sat for
a moment with the receiver cradled to her ear before hanging it
 up. She layed down on her bed abd began to sob.

Buffy hung up the telephone and with a strangled sigh she ran her
hand over it before leaving the phone booth and onto the bus as
she made her way further from Sunnydale and her friends.

The End

------------------------------

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