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buffyfic-digest        Saturday, July 11 1998        Volume 02 : Number 260



In this issue:

       BUFFYFIC: Regards to My Moira
       BUFFYFIC: Repercussions (15/17)

See the end of the digest for information on (un)subscribing to the buffyfic
or buffyfic-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues.

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Date: Fri, 10 Jul 1998 17:15:22 -0700
From: [e-mail] (Charity C. T.)
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Regards to My Moira

Hi,
    Just wanted to let everyone who reads my My Moira series that the
name is MOIRA, not Moria, as I have been spelling for the last 4
installments.  I am feeling really abashed right now, so I'll make a
quickie exit.  I didn't notice until I tried to find the name in the
dictionary I originally found it in, and it wasn' there.  Then, I come to
find that I have been spelling it wrong this entire time.  Sorry for any
frowns I might have caused.

Charity

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Date: Sat, 11 Jul 1998 18:29:24 PDT
From: "Andrea Newbery" <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Repercussions (15/17)

Title: Repercussions
Author: Andrea
Disclaimers: All characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant
Enemy, the WB, etc.
Distribution: Sure, just tell me where.
Feedback: Please, to [e-mail]
Thanks: To Rachel, Jenn and Christine.


Hell

"Angel." Xander spoke louder the second time, coming closer to the
moaning creature. Reaching out he touched Angel's shoulder, jumping back
when he made contact. Standing there he waited for Angel's response,
becoming more irate by the second. He had come all this way to rescue
Angel and the vampire wouldn't even acknowledge his presence. His temper
short-fused he spoke angrily, "Hey, Dead-boy!" Reaching out he shook
Angel's shoulder harshly. The keening stopped, but still Angel didn't
look up. Shaking his head, wondering why he ever thought Angel would be
grateful to him, he began speaking again, "I'm here to get you out."
Pausing he waited for Angel's reaction, when nothing changed he
continued, "Buffy will be so happy to see you. Come on."

He reached out and pulled at his arm, uncovering his face. Xander
stopped, stunned at the pain on Angel's face, the guilt in his eyes.
Angel cowered away from him, pulling his arm back and shrinking into
himself, his hands covering his face again. Xander stood for a moment,
not knowing how to break through the pain Angel was in, feeling sympathy
for him for the first time.  "Angel, it's Xander. Remember me? I'm here
to take you home." He kept his voice soft, trying to sound reassuring,
"Angel?"

Angel slowly removed his hands from over his face, looking at Xander
with pain-coated eyes, opening his mouth he spoke quietly, "This is a
new form of torture. We're pretending I can leave now? I'm disappointed
in you, Xander, you're usually more direct than this.  You don't usually
play games." Dropping his head back into his hands, the moaning
beginning again. Xander looked at him, realizing that Angel had been
tormented with the same type of visions he had seen, he shuddered,
imagining how much worse it must be for Angel. Xander watched him for a
moment, trying to figure out how to convince him that he was real. He
didn't think it was going to be as easy as when Giles had thought he was
an illusion, Angel had obviously been seeing a vision of him for a
while. Looking around him, he wondered if Angel would follow an illusion
out of Hell. Leaning in close to Angel he spoke again, "Angel, I'm real.
Whistler helped me. You remember Whistler? He's waiting for us. Angel?"

Angel said nothing, did nothing. Xander bit his lip, how was he going to
get a distraught vampire out of Hell. "Angel, it's important you listen
to me. Buffy needs you, She feels so bad about sending you here. I'm not
sure she can make it without you." He paused, hearing the catch in his
voice as he spoke, "Angel, you've got to come help Buffy."

"I can't." The words were torn from Angel's throat, "I need to be here.
I need to suffer." He didn't look up as he spoke, didn't move.

Xander felt a surge of hope run through him, at least he was talking to
him now. "Does Buffy need to suffer? Come on, Angel, you can't do this
to her!" He hated the panic in his voice, hated showing weakness to
Angel even now.  Controlling his voice he spoke again,  "She needs you.
She feels horrible about sending you to Hell."

Angel looked up at that, his face amazed, "Why? I opened Hell. I didn't
give her any choice." He shakily ran his hands through his hair, his
face tormented, "You're not real. Go away."

Xander closed his eyes, struggling to remain calm he spoke again, "What?
Angel, how can I prove to you that I'm here?" He paced in front of the
vampire, not knowing the words to say, stopping in front of Angel he
tried again, "Angel, you've got come. Even if you don't believe me. Just
follow me, and if it's not real, well then, what have you lost?" He
knelt down before Angel, forcing the vampire to look at him, "Buffy
needs you, she couldn't handle it when she lost you. You have to come
back and make it okay for her."

Angel grimaced, the words falling slowly from his mouth, "Okay? How
could a killer like me ever make anything okay?"

Xander swallowed, unable to believe he was going to say this, "It wasn't
you. It was the demon. Buffy knows that."

Angel laughed bitterly, "Does Giles? Do all the other people who lost
loved ones because of me? Xander, you've always known that I was a
monster, how can you ask me to leave here?"

"Because Buffy needs you to forgive her!" His voice was high, and he
cringed at the despair in it.

Angel stared at him, his face confused, "Buffy needs me to forgive her?
I killed her friends, I tortured her and she needs my forgiveness?"

"For sending you to Hell...after your soul was returned." Xander spoke
quietly, this had to work, Angel had to come back with him.

Angel sat silently his face alive with remembered love, closing his eyes
as the pain returned to his face. Opening them he spoke haltingly, his
voice thick, "She has no reason to need my forgiveness. She did the
right thing, the only thing. But if she wants it, you give it to her,
from me. Tell her it was the right thing to do, and things are as they
should be."

Xander was shaking his head as Angel spoke, Buffy would never believe a
message from him. Barely waiting for Angel to finish he spoke again,
"No! She needs to see you. You have to come back with me. Buffy won't
believe me." His voice catching as he spoke the words, the tears welling
in his eyes again. "Angel, I didn't tell Buffy that Willow was restoring
your soul. Buffy may have been able to save you, but I didn't tell her."

Angel nodded to him, "You did the right thing, I deserved Hell."

"But now Buffy hates me, and so does Willow!" Hating the raw pain in his
voice, but unable to hid it. "Angel you have to come back, I have to fix
things. They'll never forgive me if you don't!"

"They will, they'll understand." Angel rubbed his hands on his knees,
then spoke, his voice passionate, "You were right about me all along
Xander, Buffy should have killed me as soon as she knew I was a monster.
I'm so sorry I ruined your lives."

Xander stared at him, memories of the good Angel had done for them
flashing in his head, "What about all the times you saved us? You've
saved our lives many times. That's got to count for something. Remember
when you pulled us from the boiler room? Giles, Willow and I would have
died without you."

Angel was silent, his face puzzled then speaking carefully, "Xander, how
did you get into Hell?"

"Huh?" Xander started at his words, wondering at the change of topic.
"Whistler, I told you that. I found a spell, Whistler did it, and here I
am." Xander spoke questioningly, unsure why Angel wanted to know.

"So, you really are here? You really came to Hell to bring me back?"
Angel voice was soft, waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under
him.

"Yes." Xander almost smiled, "So, can we go now?" Standing he held his
hand out to Angel, wanting to help him up.

"No. I can't. I need to suffer. Just tell Buffy it's okay." Sinking back
into himself Angel resumed his moaning.

Xander stared at him in disbelief then his voice broken he spoke,
"Angel, if you don't come back...Buffy won't have back-up. She needs
you, to help her fight. Think of how many times she would have died
without you? You've always protected her, she would have been killed by
the Three if not for you. And what about when the Master killed her?"

"You saved her." Angel spoke quietly.

"I never would have found her without you. Remember Darla? She would
have shot Buffy if you hadn't killed her."

 Angel spoke vehemently, "Remember when I killed Ms. Calendar? When I
put her in Giles bed? When I tried to kill Willow? Tried to kill you?
When I tortured Buffy with my hatred? I do."

Xander swallowed, speaking words he still was struggling with, "That
wasn't you. Angel, when you had a soul you helped us, you protected us.
You didn't hurt anybody, not your soul, not you." He looked at Angel,
but there was no response. Silently cursing himself for not sounding
more convincing he began again, "Giles told me, when I lost Jesse, that
I wasn't seeing Jesse, but the thing that killed him. That's what did
all the horrible things. Angel, you were killed by the demon, but cause
of the curse you came back. I get it now, the Angel we knew would never
kill. It wasn't you. I understand that now. Me... Xander, president of
the 'Angel should die' club."

Angel growled low in his throat, lifting his head he stared at Xander in
full game face, "This is me!"

Xander shuddered, fighting against the instinctive rise of fear. He
could see Angel so clearly holding Willow by the neck, wanting to kill
her. He took a deep breath, reminding himself that this Angel wasnÆt the
same person. Feeling the sweat dripping down his back he spoke,
determined that his voice wouldnÆt shake. "No. It isn't, not really. You
aren't the demon." He held his hand out to Angel again, the sweat
forming on his brow. Trying to believe the words he had spoken. "Come
on. We have to go." Swallowing his fear, he stepped even closer to
Angel, his hand still out.

Angel put his hand in Xander's then slowly pulled it away, "I can't. It
isn't right. What if the demon gets control again? I can't take that
chance. Tell Buffy I love her, always, but she has to forget me." His
eyes pleaded with Xanders, tears running down his cheeks.

Grabbing his hand again Xander spoke passionately, "Don't you get it?
Buffy isn't going to take my word for it. She'll be here herself before
you know it. Do you really want to subject her to the pain that's in
here?"

Angel was shaking his head, whispering, "No, no, no. Xander, rip up the
spell, don't tell her. Do anything, she can't come here."

"She will. Angel you know she will. She'll do whatever it takes to get
you out." Xander's breath was shallow, his heart racing, this had to
work.

Angel nodded, slowly coming to his feet. He stood there, his shoulders
collapsed, his head hanging down. Stepping backwards, away from Xander
he looked at him, "I can't let her come in here. I've already hurt her
enough." Dropping his head again he began walking back the way Xander
had come.

Xander allowed himself a quick sigh of relief and then followed after
Angel, hoping he knew where he was going. Closing his eyes he focused on
Whistler and Angel's apartment, feeling his sense of them growing
stronger. Opening his eyes he banged into Angel, realizing that the
vampire had stopped walking. Xander looked over Angel's shoulder to see
why he had stopped, feeling his heart speed up when he saw Buffy
standing there. Slipping around Angel, who stood frozen, he spoke to
Buffy, "How?"

Buffy looked at him, her face hard, "How did I find out you were trying
to free a killer? Score one for the good guys."

Xander turned from her to Angel, seeing the pain and despair on the
vampires face he spoke quickly, "Angel, she's not real. It's just guilt.
Buffy wants you back. I promise."

Buffy snickered, "Yes, I want my demon-lover back. Xander, shut-up!
Angel knows how I feel, knows how much I despise him. Don't you Angel?"

Xander could feel the vampire collapsing next to him. Taking a deep
breath he slipped his arm under Angel's, supporting him, pulling him
forward towards Whistler and home. He stopped when they reached Buffy,
knowing Angel needed to do this. He spoke softly, in Angel's ear, "She's
not real. You have to let this go. Buffy needs you. I swear it."

"But it is real." Buffy's voice was poison, "Angel knows it is. He knows
that he's a killer. He knows that I am sickened by the thought of him,
that he destroyed my life. Why would you help this monster Xander? He'll
just kill again and this time is will be on your shoulders, not mine."

Angel moaned, pulling away from Xander, trying to go back the way he had
come. Xander grabbed him, refusing to let him go, knowing if Angel
turned around he would never get him out. Desperately he spoke to Angel,
"It's not her. You aren't a monster."

"Yes you are." Buffy had moved closer to them, leaning in close to
Angel, smiling as he pulled back from her, "You like killing, don't you?
You can't wait to kill again. Why not kill Xander? Be the monster we all
know you are."

Xander gripped Angel's arm tighter, holding the vampire up. Angel's face
was wracked by torment, Xander wasn't sure how much more he could take,
"You never did. All the times I annoyed you, made fun of you, hated you,
you never once tried to hurt me. Angel, this is Xander. I came to Hell
to get you out. I'm real, she's not. You've gotta believe me. Buffy
needs you."

Angel's eyes met his and he nodded. Walking forward again Angel spoke
softly, "You are not Buffy." As the image of Buffy's hate-filled face
disappeared Angel stumbled. Xander held on to him tighter, using his
strength to hold Angel up. They stood there for a while, until Angel
straightened and looking at Xander with tear-filled eyes he whispered,
"Thank you."

Nodding slightly Xander pulled his arm from Angel and began walking,
taking the lead, feeling Whistler more with every step. He checked
behind him every few seconds, making sure Angel was still following him.
He could feel his heart pounding the closer he got to Whistler, praying
that things would be okay now. The passage became extremely dark again,
he couldn't see anything around him. Reaching his hand backwards he
grabbed Angel's arm, keeping his other hand out in front of him,
searching for the way out.
*****

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