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buffyfic-digest         Friday, June 26 1998         Volume 02 : Number 246



In this issue:

       Re: BUFFYFIC: My Moria (7/?)
       BUFFYFIC: You Always Hurt The Ones You Love
       BUFFYFIC: DISCUSS: Back from beyond the grave, and in need of some major resurrection
       Re: DISSCUSION: BUFFYFIC: My Moria (7/?)
       BUFFYFIC: "Fallen From Grace" (2/11)
       BUFFYFIC: "Iris" Part 1

See the end of the digest for information on (un)subscribing to the buffyfic
or buffyfic-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Thu, 25 Jun 1998 18:57:53 +0500
From: [e-mail] (sheila taylor)
Subject: Re: BUFFYFIC: My Moria (7/?)

Great!  I was waiting for an other installment.  I liked the idea of
Cordy as watcher over Buffy's daughter.  I am really interested in
reading the next chapter and discovering how Cordy handles telling Moria.
 I wonder if Moria's three friends are in line to become the next scooby
gang?

Sheila

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 25 Jun 1998 22:52:57 -0400
From: [e-mail]
Subject: BUFFYFIC: You Always Hurt The Ones You Love

Name: You Always Hurt the Ones You Love
Author: Northlight
email:  [e-mail]
Content:  Post Becoming Part 2 Buffy angst
Summary:  Buffy meets someone after leaving Sunnydale, and they share
their stories.
Disclaimer:  Buffy and all related events belong to Joss Whedon.  Erik
and all his story belong to Marvel Comics and appear in Thunderbolts.

::I'm so... so sorry.  It's all my fault.  I failed you -- like I've
failed everyone else -- :::
- -Thunderbolts #16

    Buffy stared into her rapidly cooling cup of coffee blankly, the soft
strains of a Shania Twain song washing over her.  Her hands were clasped
around the Styrofoam cup, more out of a lack of anything else to do with
them than in a desire for warmth.

    Her eyes, though red rimmed, were dry.  She had cried her fill since
she had left Sunnydale behind.  Now, she was just... empty.  Buffy
didn't think, she didn't feel -- it was the only way to keep the agony
from sparking back through her.

    She was numb.

    There was somebody standing over her, hesitating.  Buffy didn't look
up.  She didn't care who it was, she didn't care about anything.

    "May I sit down?" a rumbling male voice finally spoke.

    Buffy finally lifted her head, with agonizing slowness.  She had
expected to see another oily man ready to move in on the apparently
helpless teenager and already had a denial forming on her lips. It never
crossed them.

    Whatever the man may have been, it wasn't a predator.  He was large and
muscular, but his eyes had a deep sorrow that struck a chord in Buffy.
He gestured around the small dinner.  "All the other tables are taken,"
he explained.

    Buffy nodded, slightly surprised by her response.  She didn't want to
be with anybody, she didn't want to deal with the small talk and
questions that were always directed towards her.  But, somehow, she had
the feeling that this man wouldn't be asking about her hometown and
where she was headed.

    He smiled briefly, an expression that didn't reach his eyes, and sat
down at the booth across from Buffy.  He set his coffee down and
mimicked Buffy's position, his large hands clasped around the cup.

    They sat in silence for a long moment.  "Buffy," she said finally,
forcing her name out past her constricted throat.

    His head jerked up in surprise, as if he had forgotten that she was
there with him.  He hesitated a moment, and Buffy thought that he
wouldn't answer.  She wondered what had made her speak in the first
place.  Her eyes had shifted back to the placid surface of her coffee
before he finally responded.  "Erik."

    Buffy lifted her head, darting a quick, drawn smile towards him in
acknowledgment.

    They each slid back into an isolated silence, both lost to their own
thoughts.

    "Erik?" Buffy said suddenly.  The familiar image of Angel, his eyes
wide with shock and confusion, his hands reaching out to her
beseechingly, had risen in her mind once again.  The haunting image was
enough to make a quiver of pain threaten the comforting numbness.

    "What?" His voice was raw with pain when he answered.

    "Trade stories?  You tell me your pain, I'll tell you mine," Buffy
replied.  He looked about ready to bolt at her question, so Buffy
quickly altered her request.  "Or maybe, you could just listen...?"

    "No... I need someone to talk to.  And at the moment, you're the only
person I have."  The spark of sorrow in his eyes ignited briefly at that
statement.

    Their eyes met, and they stared at each other uncomfortably.  Each of
them needed to speak, but neither of them knew how to begin.  They had
been silent for so long, and it was a habit that was hard to break.

    Erik cracked first.  "My brother... he's dead.  It was all my fault,
and I couldn't even save him!"  His voice was shaking.  Erik's hands
unconsciously clenched around the cup he held, sending the lukewarm
liquid splashing across the scarred tabletop.

    Neither of them moved to clean it.  "My lover is dead.  It was my fault
twice over, and I couldn't save him!"

    "My family was ruined, shamed, and destroyed because of my actions.  I
did something that I knew was wrong without a thought of what it would
mean for those who I left behind..."

    "He was lost to me because I was a selfish little girl.  And I lost my
last chance to make things right because I wasn't fast enough!  I saw
him die -- begging me to explain why he was hurting, and I couldn't!"
Buffy's voice was filled with self recrimination, and tears threatened
to end their absence.

    "My brother died in my arms, only hours after I had gone to him to try
and set things right."  Erik looked down at his hands, as if expecting
to see his brother's blood still coating them.

    "I walked out on my mother, and she doesn't want me back.  She never
understood me, I was always too much trouble.  She deserved better than
me."

    "I betrayed the man who saved my life.  He trusted me, and I turned on
him," Erik countered.

    "I always hurt my friends -- they've suffered so much because of my
presence in their lives.  And now, they're hurting because I left them.
Everybody whose life I touch, I hurt."  The tears began trickling down
Buffy's pale cheeks as the memory of her friends standing before the
school surfaced in her mind.  Willow, in her wheelchair.  Giles, bruised
and bandaged.  Xander, his arm held in a cast.  And they had all looked
so worried... so lost.

    Erik cast a brief, sympathetic glance at her before returning to his
own misery.  "I betrayed the woman that I cared for, I abandoned my
friends when they needed me. I... I always end up betraying
somebody..."  The memory of Dallas' face sent pain stabbing through his
heart.  The look of betrayal on her face had been heartbreaking -- and
knowing what had happened to her afterwards didn't help his concience
any.  And what of his team?  How would they fare without him?

    The air around them was thick with tension and unspoken memories.  Erik
finally tore his eyes away from the girl's tearing ones and grabbed a
napkin, swiping at the spreading coffee puddle.

    "So, do we offer the wise advise that usually comes at this point or
leave it as is?" Buffy choked out, cutting through the suddenly
uncomfortable silence which had claimed them.

    Erik looked at her, a tight smile determinedly forced onto his lips.
"Nah.  I've fucked up my own life quite enough -- I don't think I'm the
best person to be telling someone else how to fix theirs."

    "I can understand that," Buffy replied.  She glanced down at her watch,
and sighed softly.  Time to get moving again.  "I've gotta go, my bus is
coming soon..." Buffy said, standing up and sliding out of the booth.

    "I should be going too," Erik said, following Buffy's actions.  He held
his hand out to her, and Buffy's hand met his own.  "It was nice meeting
you, Buffy... And I hope that everything turns out well for you."

    "Same to you, Erik."

    With one last smile, this one slightly less sorrowful, Buffy headed out
the door.  Maybe, one day soon, she'd try and make things right.

End

http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Lair/7493/buffy.html

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 25 Jun 1998 23:08:48 EDT
From: [e-mail]
Subject: BUFFYFIC: DISCUSS: Back from beyond the grave, and in need of some major resurrection

Hey again, fellow ficers...

I just got my computer back together after another computer-crashing
stunt by the crasher of all crashers, mon frere. The good news is he's
now forbidden to touch my computer, and I've got a new hard-drive that's
twice as big as my old one. The bad news is that once again, everything
I've ever saved has been mercilessly deleted!

Here's what I'm asking. If you have *all* the parts of reunion, and if
you are willing to serve them to my server in bite-sized-pieces, LET ME
KNOW- DON't SEND THEM TO ME UNTIL I TELL YOU TO! This is a measure to
avoid the flooding of my pathetic mailbox. I've been on here for about
five hours sorting through all the stuff I missed in my two weeks in
hell. Maybe I can finish Reunion tomorrow! (Wouldn't that be lovely!!)

Throwing myself at your mercy once again...

- -Ingrid

"There are a lot of sheep, aren't there?"

"eh?"

- --Monty Python

_____________________________________________________________________
You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail.
Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com
Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866]

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 25 Jun 1998 19:36:11 -0700
From: [e-mail] (Charity C. T.)
Subject: Re: DISSCUSION: BUFFYFIC: My Moria (7/?)

On Thu, 25 Jun 1998 18:57:53 +0500 [e-mail] (sheila taylor)
writes:
>Great!  I was waiting for an other installment.  I liked the idea of
>Cordy as watcher over Buffy's daughter.  I am really interested in
>reading the next chapter and discovering how Cordy handles telling
>Moria.  I wonder if Moria's three friends are in line to become the
>next scooby gang?
>
>Sheila

Glad you liked it.  As for Moria's three friends being the next scooby
gang...totally possible, just not too sure how I can word it in.  That
would mean I have to weave two plots into one and have them mesh well.
So...maybe.

Charity
aka
Taygeta
Writer of "Capeside:the Hellmouth," "My Moria," "Chronicles of the White
Knight," "In Opacitatem Habitant Modo," "Elan Vital," "BSC:Freshman,"
"Summer Waves," "The Summer After," and "Beyond the Creek."

Co-president of the Buffy-Xander Lovers Club
To Join, fill out the form at:
http://www.geocities.com/televisioncity/set/9257/bxlclub.html

Keeper of Xander's quote, "People don't fall in love with what's right in
front of them. People want the dream-what they can't have. The more
unattainable, the more attractive."
Keeper of Xander's awkward moment with Buffy  (Phases)
Keeper of Xander's ability to put together a M-16 in 57 seconds

"But you saved me. As difficult and as frustrating as it's been
sometimes, your goddamned strict rationalism and science have saved
me a thousand times over. You've kept me honest ... made me a whole
person. I owe you everything, Scully, and you owe me nothing ... I don't
know if I wanna do this alone ... I don't know if I can ... and if I quit
now they win."  Fox Mulder from The X-files Movie: Fight the Future.

"She wasn't you...when I was about to be trampled by those bulls, all I
could think about was that I would never see you again," -Richard to
Caroline
"Mulder, I wouldn't put myself on the line for anyone, but you," -Scully
"Our love is like a rose...beautiful when in bloom, but it'll never
last," Tuxedo Mask to Sailormoon
"She's everything," -Dawson about Joey
"Everything I've ever done has been for you!" Ethan Hawke in Great
Expectations.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 26 Jun 1998 10:42:39 EDT
From: <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: "Fallen From Grace" (2/11)

Notes: Takes place the January or so of Angel's change. E-mail me for missing
pieces. :)
Disclaimers: Blake and the Coordinator, etc, are mine. The rest would appear
to belong to High God Joss.
Feedback: YES! To [e-mail], please, whether it be good or bad or
something in-between.

~

                               Two

     Sunnydale High School. Pike wasn't quite sure what he had
expected, but he knew it hadn't been to find Buffy a junior-- back
two years, comparitively speaking. She'd told him once that she'd
skipped first grade, and he had always figured she'd sort of made
up for that later on in life by being such a ditz for however long
it was she'd been a ditz for. But then again, who knew? By the time
she burned down Hemery's gym, though, he supposed she had probably
more than made up for the advancement-- and so it didn't make that
much of a splash to discover that after she'd transferred what with
her record and any placement exams she had probably been required
to take, that she'd been placed a grade or two back. Though the
fact had to suck, he decided.
     Exactly why he'd dropped high school and then gotten a GED
when he'd decided to try for some engineering classes at Phoenix U.
Low profile, low cost college. He was lucky to have gotten in, and
he was looking forward to going. So he wasn't quite sure why he had
decided to look Buffy up. But he had, and now he was standing in
front of her high school, a good twenty minutes after the beginning
of first period.
     Merrick's books had spoken of Sunnydale as being a Hellmouth,
whatever that was. Pike had looked it up as soon as Buffy had told
him that's where she was headed for. She'd been upset when he had
told her he was off to San Antonio, but they had both known
anything they had between them probably wouldn't have lasted much
longer, thanks to the Slayage she was doing and his own problems
with constantly killing things.
     Now that he was on his way to Arizona, he had decided it was
time to get a little closure as far as Miss Buffy Summers was
concerned. And last night's encounter at the Bronze hadn't done
much to help him get any of that. So, he figured, this would be as
good a place as any to see the Buffster in her natural enviornment.
He'd be able to get a handle on how she'd changed, what about her
he still knew, and if he was lucky he could get the information
firsthand from the other kids around school. He just hoped it
wouldn't mean he was going to have to deal with anybody as shallow
as the rich bitches Buffy had known back in LA. Though, knowing his
luck, he wouldn't be surprised.
     So with a deep breath and a silent prayer that everything
would wind up going okay, Pike moved toward the entrance to the
school. Best place to start was the library, he decided. It had
said in Merrick's books that most Watchers staked out occupations,
when they had them, where they would be exposed to knowledge and be
constantly aware of what was going on around them. The highest-
ranking place for someone like that would be something more like a
computer teacher, Pike thought, but what were the chances of
anybody involved in the Watcher's Network being adept enough with
computers to hold a position like that? Of course, the next best
thing would have to suffice. And so he headed for the library.
     He was, he knew, basing this on the completely random
assumption that Buffy's new Watcher would have a job somewhere near
her. Which made sense, given that they were supposed to _watch_
their charges...
     Too much thinking and not enough doing, he finally decided.
Time to go in, find the library, determine if the librarian was a
Watcher, and if not, boogie.
     Pike took the steps up the front walk two at a time, and moved
swiftly and easily through the hallway. It wasn't until he was
inside that he realized he had no idea whatsoever of where the
library was located. Looked like he'd just have to methodically
search the whole place, he decided. Not a problem, he had all the
time in the world. And if he hadn't found it by the time the bells
rang, he would just ask one of the students for help.
                                *
     "Hey, hello?" Pike called twenty minutes later, as he walked
into the library. "Anybody here?"
     The librarian-- at least, he assumed the older man was a
librarian-- walked out from a back office, peering at Pike through
a pair of thick glasses. "Yes?" he asked.
     "Hey," Pike said, leaning up against a bookshelf. "I was
wondering...I'm looking for a book."
     "I see," the man said. "And...you're a student here?"
     "Nah," Pike said. "But a friend of mine goes here and if
you've got it I'll just ask her if she can check it out for me."
When the librarian nodded, Pike continued. "It's called the Pagamon
Codex, it's an occultish sort of thing...real hard to find. Or so
my friend tells me." He watched closely for a reaction, and was
rewarded with a look of complete and utter _shock_ on the
librarian's face-- for a moment. Then the expression was quickly
covered, replaced by a facade of calm. *Bingo,* Pike thought. *This
would be the guy.* He'd been trying to come up with a way of
determining who Buffy's Watcher was since last night, finally
deciding that if he mentioned some piece of little-known Slayer
lore, then he'd at least be able to gage whether or not whoever he
was talking to had the sligtest clue as to what was going on around
themself.
     "I-- I'm afraid we don't have a copy of that, in fact, I've
never, I've never heard of it," the librarian stammered.
     The cover was so obvious, Pike could have seen it in his
sleep. Sure, he could see where the guy wouldn't want to just blurt
out, yes, he was the Watcher of the Chosen One-- but on the other
hand, if somebody came up and obviously knew what was going on,
then what could be lost by a small amount of reserved blurting?
"Nice try, pops," Pike said. He offered a hand. "You must be the
Watcher?"
     The librarian took his hand, and let Pike shake it, but shook
his head. "No," he said. "I-- I think you have the wrong person."
     Pike shook his head, releasing the hand. "Nah," he said. He
looked the Watcher over. "I know what's up with her," he said. "The
Slayage thing. So you can drop the 'see no evil' act."
     There was a tense moment, then the librarian nodded slowly.
"I...see. And, if I were to give your claim substance, how would
you know about this, exactly?"
     "Because," Pike said, "I'm friends with her. From Merrick's
time." He grinned. "Back in the day."
     Another moment of silence. "I see." The two stood there for a
moment, and Pike was about to open his mouth to say more when the
phone in the Watcher's office rang. "Excuse me," the older man
said. "Stay right here, please, I won't take more than a minute."
     Pike nodded. "Sure, whatever," he said, settling back in next
to the bookcase. "Take your time."
                                *
     Giles moved into the office, pondering the appearance of
this...young man. Who said he knew Buffy from when Merrick had been
her Watcher. He swallowed. He always hated thinking about the time
before he had been assigned to Buffy, and he did his best, usually,
to try and not think about it. He was perfectly capable of doing
his duty without concentrating on that portion of the past, most of
the time. Though every so often, he had read the previous Watcher's
diaries, and wondered at the differences between the Buffy who had
slain Lothos, the oldest known vampire, and the one who was now
constantly battling everything he told her. The supreme sort of
teenage rebelliousness, he supposed.
     He picked up the telephone on the third ring, putting it to
his ear. "Sunnydale High School library, Mr. Giles speaking. May I
help you?"
     "Rupert," came an English-accented voice through the line.
     Giles felt the blood drain from his face when the person spoke
his name. The Coordinator of the Watcher Network-- he'd have
recognized that voice anywhere. Any Watcher would. "Yes, Sir?" he
asked, doing his best to make certain his voice didn't shake.
     "We've come to a descision," the Coordinator said. His voice
was, as always, quiet and even.
     "Yes?" Giles asked, though he knew that descisions made by the
Coordinator and delivered in person, so to speak, were not usually
the sort that were well-received by those they were intended for.
     "Your Slayer is going to have to die," the voice said, a
little softer.
     "_What_?!" Giles exclaimed, horrified. "What are you-- What on
earth is going on?!"
     There was a silence on the other end of the line, for a few
long seconds, before the Coordinator spoke again. "After the
incident with Mr. Zebuto's Slayer, we have realized there is a fair
chance that we can create enough Slayers to effectively battle the
darkness," he said in the same low voice he had used the last time
they'd spoken, when he'd told Giles he was being assigned to Buffy.
Since then, any communication between the two had been through "the
proper channels" in the Network, and Giles had to admit he had
enjoyed the feeling of distance. He wasn't exactly fond of the
Coordinator. "Neutralizing and then reviving your Slayer is the
easiest and most direct approach."
     Giles drew the phone away from his ear for a moment, just
staring at it in shock before bringing it back. "Sir," he said
quietly, "might I ask why you have decided to play this disgusting
excuse for an April Fool's trick in the middle of January?"
     There was a moment's silence, then the Coordinator spoke
again, and his voice had turned to iron. "This is not a joke,
Rupert," he said. "You've sworn to do all in your power to protect
and assist the Slayer in her quest against the Evil. This will ease
her burden. Tell her to prepare. That will be all."
     Before he had a chance to speak again, Giles found himself
holding a dead line in his hand. He swallowed, trying to regain
some sort of equilibrium and determine what on Earth had posessed
the Coordinator and the Network, alike.
     He glanced up, realizing he still had that peculiar visitor
standing out against the bookshelves. If he truly was a friend of
Buffy's, and he had known her when she had first been Called...his
sudden appearance here had to have more to do with events than if
it were a mere coincidence. Giles shivered, his blood running cold.
He would have to do all in his power to keep the young man from
Buffy, in that case.
     "Yes," he said, as he walked out of his office and the young
man came off the shelf to stand in the middle of the room. "Miss
Summers, eh, Buffy, is not in school today. She had other matters
to take care of. Might I have your name, and I'll let her know that
you came by?"
     The young man shrugged, then nodded. "Sure," he said. "Name's
Pike. I'll drop in again, tomorrow." Then he turned and left the
library. Giles watched him go, shaking his head a little and
wondering what on Earth he was going to tell Buffy.
     The more he thought, the more he began to wonder if the boy's
story had been true at all. If he was really an assassin sent by
the Network, then it was certainly possible that they had provided
him with the information he would need to get close to her, and
kill her. But what had the Coordinator meant when he had said she
would be brought back? He couldn't mean they would put her body
through the trauma of being killed, then returned to life, could
he? Because what if it didn't work?
     Giles sighed as the bell rang, knowing Buffy would be in
within a few minutes, for a brief check-in, and he would have to
have something to tell her.
     He just wished he knew what it would be.

~

Comments to [e-mail], please!

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 26 Jun 1998 10:55:02 PDT
From: "Jennifer M." <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: "Iris" Part 1

TITLE: "Iris"
AUTHOR: Jennifer M. ([e-mail])
SUMMARY: Major Angel/Buffy angst... Angel and Buffy
are thinking back on their times together, and know
that a future is impossible.
RATING: PG
TIME PERIOD: After Becoming 2, Angel has returned from Hell,
with his soul.
THANK YOU: Andrea Newbery, you were inspiring.  Also thank
you to the Goo Goo Dolls, who gave me this idea.  Thank
you Joss for the great series, and for writing terrific
dialogue, some of which I used for this piece.
FEEDBACK: Yes, please.
DISTRIBUTION: Just ask.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing.  Seriously, nothing.  I have
only my ideas, so please take that into consideration.
"Iris" is property of the Goo Goo Dolls (absolutely my
favorite song!), and Characters from "Buffy the Vampire
Slayer" belong to Joss Whedon, et. al.
NOTES: This is part one of a two parter.
<> indicates thoughts and memories.
Single quote marks indicate speaking to oneself.

Iris
Part 1


"Angel"

Angel sat in his apartment, pondering his many mistakes over the
years.  Close to 250 to be exact, he thought.  His biggest mistake,
his brightest love, was Buffy.  And, she was a Vampire Slayer.
He was enraptured from the first time he saw her.

<i>And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now.</i>

The very first time he saw her, she sat on the steps of her school,
her long blond hair was blowing as, and her innocence was stripped
from her with one short exchange.

<"I don't have a destiny.  I'm destiny-free, really," she told the
stranger.>

The confusion on her face had made Angel want to rush to her, and
explain everything. From the first, he had wanted nothing more than
to hold her and protect her from the bad things that go bump in the
night.

<"Yes, you have. You are the chosen one. You alone can stop them."
Her former watcher told her.

"Who?"

"The vampires.">

Angel remembered the time when he first approached her in
Sunnydale.  He was determined to help the frail-looking girl without
becoming involved in her life.  He just had to do something.
He had to be sure she was prepared and ready for The Harvest.
He knew that if anything were to happen to her, his life would
be over.

She had hidden above him when he followed her down that alley.
She swung down and knocked him off of his feet.  She was
much more athletic than even he had given her credit for.
She was so beautiful in her anger at her situation.  Buffy
didn't want the official title as "The Slayer."  It was
unfair to her.  It was unfair to him, he thought.  She
deserved better than a danger-filled life.  A life that
included vampires and, of course, saving the world every
few months or so.

The love he felt for this girl was overwhelming.  It
consumed him.  And, during the time when he was "cryptic
guy" he knew he was being drawn toward her.  He knew that
their lives were going to be very hard to separate.  And,
he tried.  Oh, how he tried to avoid becoming so close to her.

<i>And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight</i>

Angel thought of the first time they shared a kiss...
the sweetness of her lips in her kitchen.  Her mother
had no idea he was there, and Buffy had no idea he was
her mortal enemy.  He tried to hide his demon from her.
He tried to keep her from finding out.  But, she did.
And, all it took was her mouth on his for him to lose control.

His evil demon took over his features, and she screamed.
She pushed him away from her, and he ran.  He ran like a
child.  And, he should never, ever have forgotten that.
Because he forgot that he could lose control of the demon
when he was with her, he lost her forever.

Then, he remembered when she kissed him in the ice-skating
rink.  She hadn't noticed or cared about his features... his
demonic features.  She was concerned for him.  The thought of
that just amazed him beyond belief.  That anyone would, or
could care for him... he hadn't known it was possible for
centuries.  And, here was this small, beautiful girl who
loved him.  Vampire or not.

<i>And I don't want the world to see me
æCause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am</i>

She loved him. A vampire.  The amazing possibility of it was
shocking to him, even now. He sat on his bed, and mourned
the loss of the love of his life.  He remembered in aching
detail, every feature on her lovely face.  "Oh Buffy."  He
whispered.  He pulled his pillow to his chest and hugged it
tightly.  He remembered when he was a child and he used to
et scared at night, he did the same thing.  The memory brought
a sad smile to his face.

God, how he missed her.  He missed her smile.  He missed
her sarcastic sense of humor.  He missed her love.  He
would give anything to have her back. He would give his
life to hold her just once more... but that was impossible.
She told him that last night.  He could never, ever see her
again, if he expected her to live her life.  Their life
together was over, and there was nothing he could do to
get it back.  Nothing.  She had said, harshly, to leave
her alone.  To never come to her, to never visit her, to
never see her.  Ever again.  And, he would not.  He would
do anything she asked him, and starting tonight, he would
never again be a presence in her life.

<i>And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive</i>

And, so, he was leaving Sunnydale for ever.  He would
never return to the place where he had first experienced
love.  He would never again see her. This young girl who
so cared for him once.  That part of his life was over.
But, he had his memories.  And, he would never forget
her. He would live his life protecting people from the
demons she so hated.  The demons she fought with her
precious life each and every night with such skill and
force.  He would use what she taught him about living
to kill the dead.

<i>And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am</i>

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