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From: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com (buffyfic-digest)
To: buffyfic-digest@lists.xmission.com
Subject: buffyfic-digest V2 #192
Reply-To: $SENDER
Sender: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com
Errors-To: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com
Precedence: bulk
buffyfic-digest Saturday, May 16 1998 Volume 02 : Number 192
In this issue:
BUFFYFIC: "Every New Beginning" -- (4/6)
BUFFYFIC: "Every New Beginning" -- (5/6)
BUFFYFIC: "Every New Beginning" -- (6/6)
See the end of the digest for information on (un)subscribing to the buffyfic
or buffyfic-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat, 16 May 1998 23:23:59 EDT
From: KylenRevik <KylenRevik@aol.com>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: "Every New Beginning" -- (4/6)
All disclaimers and notes can be found in part one. Comments to
KylenRevik@aol.com, please.
~
"That little _skank_!" Harmony hissed.
Cordelia bit her lip, shaking her head. "No, I mean, I didn't-
- -"
"She kissed your _boyfriend_?!" Kate yelped.
"I didn't--"
"What a total _bitch_," Ambrosia interjected, snapping her
gum. "I mean, it's not like Xander's any kind of, you know, like,
catch or anything, but _seriously_, that is just _so_ not something
you do."
Cordelia shook her head again. "It's not so much her that I'm
mad at, though--"
"But like, the little _whore_ was making a move on your
_man_!"
"Except he's the one who lied about it!" Cordelia snapped,
cutting Harmony off before she had the chance to say anything more.
The three other girls stared at her for a long moment in
disbelief. Finally, Kate spoke. "Um, excuse _much_, but how do you,
like, expect to get him back if you act like it's _his_ fault?"
"Get him back?" Cordelia said, quietly. She'd had a handle on
this once, she knew, this whole how-to-seduce-the-guy routine, but
it was beginning to seem like dating Xander had gotten her
completely out of the loop-- and now that she was officially
Considering Breaking Up With The Loser, she had to get herself back
up to speed. But this didn't feel as though it was quite right,
from what Xander had said it wasn't as though Buffy had been trying
to seduce him or anything, and--
"_Yes_, get him back!" Ambrosia yelped, jumping to her feet
and moving around behind Cordelia to grab another diet soda. "I
mean, face it, Cordelia, it's like, totally because you're, you
know, not trying to keep hold of him that he's, like, straying, you
know?"
"Except I--"
"And you've so _totally_ got to make an _effort_," Harmony
added.
"But--"
"Cor_del_ia," Kate interrupted, "come _on_. Really, think
about it, when did you start losing your grip on him, huh?" Without
waiting for a response, the teeny bopper answered her own question.
"When you started acting like you didn't _need_ to impress him."
She glanced at Harmony. "I mean, did I not _completely_ call this
one, or what?"
"Yeah, like, totally," Harmony answered.
Cordelia looked from one to the other, confused. "Call this
one? What are you talking about? Called what?"
"How long it would be before you realized just what hanging
out with those total _losers_ was going to do to your ability to
hold onto a guy," Kate elaborated. "I mean, face it Cordelia, he
wanted you 'cause he thought you were a one-way ticket outta
loserville, and if you're going to hang with that kind of person,
you're gonna be, well, _not_ anymore, you know?"
"So the second you started not being cool anymore," Ambrosia
chimed in, "it was like, hello, his flight is bumped and you are
_so_ not the first-class ticket he wanted anymore."
"I'm still popular!" Cordelia protested, giving her two
friends an injured look.
"Sure you are, but like, not like you _used_ to be," Harmony
said, as though she were breaking some huge piece of news.
"I mean, you haven't even been paying attention to the
_football team_ in like, ages!"
"And hanging out in the _library_ all the time like that?"
Kate scoffed, sounding disgusted. "Like, totally not where it's at,
girl."
"You've barely even _talked_ to us in the past month!" Harmony
said.
*Because you're all completely vapid and infantile!* Cordelia
felt like screaming. She caught herself, though, barely in time,
and sighed. Of course, they were most likely both right. Look at
them. Sitting here smugly 'cause they both had boyfriends and she
didn't, and it was their methods that had gotten her Xander in the
first place, anyway.
Well, that and the fact that he was so darn _cute_ sometimes.
When he wasn't being a total rat-bastard. She sighed again, and
squirmed slightly when she felt Harmony run a brush through her
hair. "What're you do--"
"First thing," Harmony informed her, "this ponytail thing has
just completely got to _go_. It's like, so five minutes ago."
Cordelia swallowed. "I thought you said my hair looked nice
when it was up."
"Yeah," Harmony said, "but have you like, not showered in six
_hours_ or something? It so totally makes your hair look all greasy
and like you don't even _wash_ it." She glanced at Ambrosia. "I'm
right, right?"
Ambrosia nodded sincerely. "Totally."
Cordelia sighed.
"Hey," Harmony said, "come on, this'll be, like, fun. We'll
make you into a whole new Cordelia and you'll be just like you used
to be, and you can like, totally not pay attention to that idiot
loser."
"Okay," Cordelia sighed as Harmony began fussing with a brush
and some hair pins, knowing any sort of argument was going to be
futile. Of course, there was a little, tiny problem, and one small
thought of it managed to slip past the part of her that was in
complete denial of the entire situation.
*Xander didn't _like_ the old Cordelia.*
But, she reminded herself, that was okay. Because neither the
old Cordie nor the _new_ Cordie liked him, either. She sighed,
wishing that was the truth.
*
"So, she still hasn't talked to you?"
Xander looked up across the lunch table and shook his head.
"Nope."
Josh shot a sideways grin at Wendell, then looked back to
Xander. "Guess that means you're going to the Spring Fling stag
this year, huh?"
Xander shrugged. "Looks like," he admitted.
"Sucks," Wendell said. "You'll live."
Xander sighed. "I guess."
"Hey," Josh said, nodding toward the doorway to the cafeteria,
"here comes the Queen of Sunnydale now."
Xander glanced back over his shoulder, shaking his head. "I'm
gonna book," he said. "Later, guys." He didn't let himself look at
Cordelia as he walked out of the cafeteria.
*
"So then," Buffy said, her tone one of annoyance, "Harmony
just _stepped_ on my shoe." She sighed, looking downward at the
dirt stain that had been ground into her white keds. "They're new,
too!"
"Well," Willow offered, "maybe, you know, the whole grunge
thing will come back into fashion?" She smiled weakly, then shook
her head at the look of incredulousness that Buffy gave her. "Or
not," she admitted. "Why'd she do it?" she asked.
"Who _knows_," Buffy said. "Probably PMS or something. Maybe
daddy didn't buy her the right shade of lavender bathing suit."
Willow giggled, then shook her head. "Cordelia might know...if
you guys are currently, you know, speaking."
"We're not," Buffy said with a sigh. "Apparently. I saw her
this morning and it was like I wasn't even there."
"Same here," Willow said with a nod. She pulled the door open
as they walked into the building, holding it open while Buffy
walked through, then they continued on their way. "I mean," she
said quietly, "is it just me, or has she gotten completely
antisocial?"
"Cordelia? Not antisocial, just not social with _us_ for some
reason.
"Yeah, that too," Willow said.
There was a long silence as the two contemplated, then Buffy
spoke. "Oooh!"
"What?" Willow asked, her eyes widening. "What's up?"
"I just remembered!" Buffy exclaimed, a look of horror coming
over her features.
"_What_?" Willow pressed. She didn't know what she should
expect. End of the world? Apocalypse now? Or later tonight?
"The dance!" Buffy shrieked. "I completely forgot about the
dance!"
"Dance?"
"Spring Fling!" Buffy shook her head. "Oh my _god_, Willow, I
don't even have a dress, and I'm sure you don't, either, and this--
" She broke off, suddenly going quiet.
"And?" Willow asked, her tone almost a hopeful one. Buffy was
right, she hadn't given a moment's thought to the upcoming dance.
And she was enjoying hearing Buffy get so excited about something,
for once in a very long time.
But her friend shook her head, and Willow sighed, realizing
this wasn't one of those times she was going to be able to push for
an answer. "I've got to go," Buffy said quietly. "Talk to Giles."
Willow looked at her, concerned. "You okay?" she asked.
Buffy nodded, though it was obvious from the way she'd cut
herself off a few seconds earlier that the opposite was true. But
before Willow could say anything more, Buffy had turned and walked
down the hall, too briskly to leave any doubt as to whether or not
she wanted to be followed.
*
"It's Angel," Buffy sighed. "Last year, he saved my life right
by the Spring Fling." She shook her head.
"And this year, he's been trying to take it."
"Exactly." She looked up at her Watcher. "And now this whole
mess with Xander and Cordie...have you talked to Cordelia today?"
"She hasn't, hasn't stopped by," Giles replied. "Has something
happened that I should be aware of?"
"They broke up," Buffy said. "Xander told Willow. She told
me." She sighed. "Cordelia dumped him."
"He told her?"
Buffy shrugged. "I don't know the details," she admitted.
"Only that I don't like them." She sighed.
"So," Giles said. "I've seen the signs about school, for this,
this dance, and I-- I assume you're going to, to want the night
off?"
"I guess," Buffy said with a slight smile. "If you're sure I
won't have to patrol."
"I haven't seen anything about an increase in vampire activity
yet," Giles said with a smile. "I think you can have one night."
"Wow," Buffy said, casting her annoyance aside. "Generous
mood, huh?"
Giles smiled a little. "Apparently so," he replied.
"Well, thanks," Buffy said with a smile, "'cause I think I
could use one night where I don't have to think about stuff." Then
she hopped off the table and walked out of the library, leaving
Giles to wonder at the sudden change in her demeanor.
~
Comments to KylenRevik@aol.com, please.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 16 May 1998 23:31:49 EDT
From: KylenRevik <KylenRevik@aol.com>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: "Every New Beginning" -- (5/6)
See part one for disclaimers and notes. Comments to KylenRevik@aol.com.
~
The DJ was spinning disks in the absence of a live band, and
the Bronze was afire with activity-- especially that of the dance-
floor variety. It seemed like everything was bright, cheerful, fun.
Just what the Fling was supposed to be. Except that, well, Xander
wasn't having a hell of a lot of fun. Here he was, dressed in
decent jeans and a nice t-shirt, hanging out with Conner and Josh
and Wendell. All of whom seemed to have this thing for drooling
over everything female that walked past them. Not that drooling
couldn't be nice, but Xander just wasn't in the _mood_ for the
whole gratuitous-saliva thing. Not when he'd seen Cordie walk in an
hour ago with her entourage-- which he'd thought she'd dumped long
ago-- and a bunch of football jocks. Sure, she looked like she was
just about as miserable as he was, but what did that say? Nothing
at all, just that she was probably doing the whole pity thing for
whichever one of the jocks was hers.
He sighed as Conner poked him in the arm. "Hey," he said, "so
why are you hanging with us losers tonight instead of the scooby
squad?"
"Scooby which?" he asked.
"Summers and Rosenburg," Conner said.
Wendell and Josh exchanged amused looks, then Josh looked over
to Conner. "You mean to say you didn't know the whole _reason_ as
to why he's here with the chick patrol, instead of the chicks
themselves?"
"'Cause he cheated on Cordelia," Wendell piped up, and Xander
felt his cheeks growing bright red with a mix of embarrassment and
shame. "With Buffy herself."
"Whoa," Conner said, his eyes going wide. "Impressive,
Xander."
"Not really," Xander said, shaking his head slightly. But they
had a point. What was he doing here, hanging around with guys who
he was technically friends with but had little in common with, when
his real friends were across the room?
His eyes drifted over the crowd to where Buffy and Willow were
sitting. With Oz, of course, since the Dingoes weren't playing
tonight. "Good point, though," he murmured, standing.
"Where's he going?" he heard Josh asking. But he didn't bother
stopping to answer.
*
"On second thought," Cordelia said as she saw Xander making
his way toward the table where Buffy and Willow were seated with
Oz, "maybe we should just stay here."
"I think I like that idea better," Greg said with a nod,
turning her back toward the table, where Cordelia let her eyes fall
to the table instead of meeting with the eyes of her three so-
called friends.
She looked gorgeous tonight, that was for sure. And that was
mostly because they'd taken four hours helping her get ready. In
the short time she'd spent away from "the group", Cordelia was
slowly realizing her fashion sense had deteriorated more than she'd
thought possible. No matter, she told herself, 'cause she was gonna
kick some serious man-ass tonight as far as hooking up went. So
far, the plan was working. She'd managed to stake a claim on Greg,
who was a football player, and who had seemed moderately interested
in her earlier. Who, surprisingly, still seemed slightly
interested, despite the way she'd been carrying on all night.
"So," Kate said, "you know, it was like, totally--" She
giggled as her escort shoved half a sandwich in his mouth, and it
was all Cordelia could do to keep from rolling her eyes.
"You know," she sighed, "I feel like dancing."
Greg looked over at her, then back to the chicken wings he'd
been eyeing. "But I thought--"
"Come on," Cordelia snapped, grabbing him by the arm and
yanking him toward the dance floor.
*Damn you, Xander,* she thought as Greg stepped on her foot
accidentally, *I'm gonna enjoy myself if I have to sprain my
_ankle_ to do it!*
*
"She looks like she's having a decently good time," Xander
said to Willow, being careful not to make eye contact with Buffy as
he spoke.
"Yeah," Willow said, "I guess, well, she sort of does."
"She did look like she was having fun like that when she and
I were going out, right?"
"Um, yes," Willow said. Then she glanced at Buffy. "Didn't
she?" When Xander gave her a _look_, Willow's brow furrowed in a
defensive expression. "Well, I was, you know, busy! I didn't pay
attention!" Next to her, Oz grinned, patting her shoulder lightly,
making Willow relax at his very touch. She smiled over at him,
weakly, then glanced back to Xander. "Sorry," she offered weakly.
"S'okay," Xander said with a sigh. "I mean, hey, you know, all
I wanted to know was whether or not I was worth anything as a
boyfriend."
"Well I wouldn't know that, now would I?" Willow replied.
Behind her and over Xander's shoulder, Buffy and Oz shared a
grin before the other two noticed the volume at which they were
speaking. Then Buffy tapped Xander on the shoulder, but she was
unprepared for the way the young man jumped when her finger made
contact. "Chill," she told him. "Just, you know, lower the decibel
level before you broadcast it to the creepies."
"Creepies?" Xander smiled slightly. "So that's what they're
calling themselves these days?"
"No, that's what _I'm_ calling them, because it's true and
they are.
"Well," Xander said, "what if they're not? What if it's just
our perception of vampires that make them seem as though they're
possibly something resembling creepy, when in reality it's us that
are the strange ones and if we had a little more of an open mind
about things like what's different, we'd realize that?"
"Um..." Buffy managed, just staring at him. "Are you feeling
okay?"
"Yes," he replied. His gaze moved around the table, taking
each of them in turn. "I'm absolutely fine. Just 'cause a guy makes
a stupid mistake that screws up one of the best relationships he's
ever had-- hell, it's really the only _relationship_ I've ever had,
but what does that mean? Does it mean I'm automatically not okay?
'Cause I am, okay, though maybe not automatically. I can see a
situation where somebody might _not_ be okay with something like
this and you know what?"
The other three looked at him, shaking their heads slightly.
"I have only just realized in about the last two seconds, how
completely not fine I must be with this entire situation if I'm
sitting here and rambling to you guys about this instead of, you
know, doing something about it out in the real world where it might
be vaguely possible for something about anything I've said here to
make any kind of difference whatsoever." He sighed, then shook his
head and stood. "Excuse me, while I go make an ass of myself," he
told them all, not making real eye contact with any of the three.
~
Comments to KylenRevik@aol.com, please.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 16 May 1998 23:35:39 EDT
From: KylenRevik <KylenRevik@aol.com>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: "Every New Beginning" -- (6/6)
See part one for notes and disclaimers. COmments to KylenRevik@aol.com,
please.
~
For a moment, Buffy, Willow, and Oz watched motionlessly as
Xander moved toward where Cordelia and her Amazing Hulk were doing
something that might have been called dancing, somewhere else. Then
Oz rose from his stool. "Back in a few," he said, leaning to kiss
Willow on the cheek. Then he straightened and went off in the same
direction Xander had vanished to.
"Xander!" he called, spotting the other teen's head bobbing
among the crowd. "Man," he said, taking Xander by the arm and
guiding him toward the other end of the room, _away_ from Cordelia
and her date, "we have got to _talk_."
Xander's brow creased. "Talk?" He shook his head. "What is
there to talk about? I see no room for discussion here, get out of
my way, this is the time for _groveling_!"
Oz nearly took a step back, surprised, then he shook his head.
"What're you gonna do, just go--"
"I don't know, but I'm thinking something to do with knees and
being on them and begging for forgiveness might do the trick."
Xander shook his head. "Then again, maybe I should forget that and
just go for the direct approach. Cordie, I love you, I was an
idiot, forgive me?"
Oz shook his head. "Nah. Be cool about it," he said.
"Cool." Xander nearly laughed in his face, Oz could tell the
other was having a hell of a time keeping the chuckle down. "Yeah,
sure, right. Keep cool, easy for you to say, you're not the one who
turned around and kissed one of her friends, are you."
Oz sighed, shaking his head. Willow had clued him in as to the
situation, but from the way she had described it, he had expected
Xander to be far more...well, not uncaring, but he certainly hadn't
been expecting for the guy to be this upset over how things between
he and his girlfriend were going. Then again, Oz himself had never
held that high of an opinion of Cordelia, not since she'd dated
Devon. Any chick who was into that sort of thing, well, he pretty
much figured she was looking for less than standard fare as far as
faithful boyfriends went. And given the fact that he now had his
own girlfriend, Oz supposed that perhaps his earlier views had been
just ever-so-slightly unfair. Maybe, possibly. Either way.
He looked at Xander. "So," he said, "since you're not gonna
play it cool, then, what's left?"
Xander bit his lip. "Good question," he said. Then he shook
his head and sighed. "I dunno...I'll think of something." He
sighed. "Thanks, though. For stopping me from making an even bigger
idiot out of myself than I already have."
Oz smiled slightly, not quite sure of what he'd done to help,
but willing to take the credit anyway. "Uh, yeah, okay," he
replied, and gave Xander a reassuring wave as the other teen walked
away.
*
"So, you know, you think you could do me that favor?" Xander
asked, biting his lip and looking at the DJ.
The DJ, from one of the local stations Xander never listened
to because he was too busy being a Slayerette to have much time for
music, nodded. "Yeah," he said. "Sounds like you're in it deep,
though."
"Past deep," Xander said with a slight, ironic smile. "So far
past deep it's like I've entered a whole new level of deepness. And
my friend, that is not a good place to be."
The DJ nodded with a smile. "Sure," he said. Then he raised an
eyebrow. "You ever think about going into radio?" he asked.
Xander raised an eyebrow. "Not really, no, how come?" he
asked.
"'Cause you've got a good voice," the DJ said. "Sincere
sounding." He shrugged. "Anyway, yeah, I'll play your song."
Xander smiled. "Thanks." Then he turned around and walked
away, hanging back by the walls so as not to let Cordelia see him
before it was time.
*
"And this one," the DJ's voice came over the speakers, "is
from a guy who's hurt the woman he loves a lot, and he wants her to
know he's sorry. He cares about her more than he knows how to say,
and wishes there were some way he could take back what he's done.
Since that's impossible, right now he's just hoping she'll be able
to find it in her heart to forgive him."
Cordelia frowned as the opening strains of that song she and
Xander had heard in the car the other day came over the Bronze's
speakers, feeling a sharp twist in her gut. Stupid song, and he'd
had to go and make up some stupid soliloquy about how meaningful it
was. Well, it didn't mean anything at all.
"Hey, Cordie?" Greg said, snapping his fingers in front of her
eyes.
"Hm?" she asked.
"You paying any attention to me at all?" he asked.
There was a moment's pause, then she nodded. "Yeah!" she said,
feigning enthusiasm. Somehow, the words didn't come across as well
as they had ages ago, back in that lifetime when she'd been
Cordelia the Queen of Sunnydale High, Cordelia the Popular Girl.
Cordelia-with-no-real-friends.
Cordelia-without-Xander.
//Closing time
Open all the doors and let you out into the world
Closing time
Turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl.//
She swallowed, hard. "Greg," she said quietly, "I'm gonna go,
um, freshen up, okay?" Without waiting for an answer, she pushed
herself away from the table and started to move toward the ladies'
room in the far back corner. *God damn you, Xander,* she thought,
*you stupid, self-indulging, pain in the ass of a--*
"Cordelia?"
She looked up as someone took her by the arms to keep her from
crashing into them, and felt the blood draining from her face as
she fought to keep back tears. "Xan-- Xander?"
He just stared at her for a moment, his eyes moving quickly
over her features, and she let her eyes drop back to the floor.
"Excuse me," she said quietly, doing her best to keep her voice
even. "I need to--"
"I need to talk to you," he said, his voice almost level. She
heard him take a deep breath, then felt his hand tilting her chin
up so she was looking him in the eye. "I'm sorry," he said quietly.
"Xand--"
"Cordelia," he broke in, "I know the last thing in the world
you want to do right now is probably to forgive me for what I did,
and I honestly wish there were some way I could convince you, what
happened with me and Buffy, it was practically nothing. You know,
things just sort of happened, and they won't happen again 'cause
part of the reason they happened this time was that I never thought
they'd happen in the first place." He shook his head, letting her
chin go, and this time she didn't look back to the ground. "And,
well, I just...please. Give me one more chance."
Then he fell silent, just watching her. Waiting for some sort
of reaction on her part. And try as she might, Cordelia couldn't
find the words to give one to him. She couldn't believe how badly
she was hurting inside, how raw she'd been for the past few days.
How every time she'd seen Xander in the hallways at school, she'd
wanted nothing more than to be able to walk over and throw her arms
around him, curl up close and tight against him, and then when
she'd done that, haul off and hit him so hard he wouldn't wake up
until he had graduated Sunnydale High. She'd been so hurt, so
upset. And she hadn't had anyone to talk to about it because she
hadn't been able to face Buffy or Willow, and her other "friends"
were so shallow they wouldn't know what she was talking about if
she mentioned the words "emotional pain". To them, pain was
something you got when you didn't stretch before your personal
trainer set you up on the step-master.
Looking at him, it was all Cordelia could do not to cry and
scream and shove him away. It was also all she could do not to
collapse against him and tell him all was forgiven, that it always
would be, so long as he still wanted her back.
She swallowed hard as the song looped into the refrain.
//I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home,
Take me home.//
As the music faded into an instrumental section, she
swallowed, then took a short breath. She took a step closer to him,
not speaking, taking his hands in hers and moving them so that one
rested on her hip, and the other was around the small of her back.
Then, without making eye contact with him, she moved her own arms
around his neck and leaned up against him as the song moved into
the final few lines.
//Closing time,
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.//
THE END
Copyright 1998
Rachel Brody
*Lyrics belong to Semisonic, from the song "Closing Time" off the CD "Feeling
Strangely Fine".
All comments to KylenRevik@aol.com, please.
------------------------------
End of buffyfic-digest V2 #192
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