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buffyfic-digest         Saturday, May 16 1998         Volume 02 : Number 191



In this issue:

       BUFFYFIC: "Every New Beginning" -- (1/6)
       BUFFYFIC: "Every New Beginning" -- (2/6)
       BUFFYFIC: "Reunion" Interlude #9: "Confusing Revelations" --Ingrid
       BUFFYFIC: "Every New Beginning" (3/6)

See the end of the digest for information on (un)subscribing to the buffyfic
or buffyfic-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Sat, 16 May 1998 23:09:59 EDT
From: KylenRevik <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: "Every New Beginning" -- (1/6)

Disclaimers: Standard disclaimers apply. Lyrics are by Semisonic, from
"Closing Time".
Notes: Takes place, oh, I dunno. Around the close of the school year, weekend
of junior year's Spring Fling.
Archiving/distribution: Not without my permission, please.
Comments: YES! To [e-mail], please!
Misc: Some strong language.

~

                      "Every New Beginning"

               //Closing time, every new beginning
            Comes from some other beginning's end.//
                   -"Closing Time", Supersonic

     "...Xander?"
     Xander looked at Buffy for a long moment, the stun and shock
on his face matching that on hers. He swallowed. "Oh boy."
Swallowed again. "Did we...?"
     Buffy's finders rested lightly on her lips as she stared at
him. "I..."
     He shook his head. "Oh boy," he said again.
     "I didn't--"
     "Me neither--"
     He stared at her for a long moment, then his eyes fell to the
floor, a blush creeping into his cheeks and the back of his neck
heating up. Events of the past few moments replayed themselves over
and over in his mind, right up to the moment she tripped and given
that little yelp, and he'd caught her-- and they had kissed. From
the silence, he could tell she was doing the same.
     They had been on the way back to her place from a night of
Slaying and Bronzing, and it was so late. And she'd tripped on the
steps and he'd caught her, and somehow their lips had touched as
she'd gasped and he'd yelped, and then...and then he'd experienced
the most amazing, wonderful kiss of his life. Then he'd realized
what he was doing, at the same moment she had. They had jerked
apart and now they were still staring awkwardly at one another.
"Buffy," he whispered, "I--"
     She shook her head. "Not your fault," she murmured. "I should
go inside."
     He swallowed and nodded, then took a step back as she walked
into her house and shut the door. The door closed softly, making
almost no noise at all, and she was gone.
                                *
     Lying on his bed later that night, Xander rested his head on
his hands and stared at the ceiling. It was two in the morning and
he had no idea of how he was going to deal with this when he woke
up. If he fell asleep in the first place. Because he had to see her
the next day.
     With that realization, Xander moaned and curled up a little
more on his bed, wishing a large hole would open up in his floor
and suck him in. This was the Hellmouth. It could happen. Maybe he
should have just let her trip, he thought. Then there would have
been no kiss. Then everything would be just peachy-keen fine.
     Things were _so messed up_, he sighed. How was he supposed to
go to school the next day and see her? After he'd _kissed_ her?!
Not that kissing her had been a bad thing, but still...this was
just going to complicate everything. Just when he thought he might
be getting over her, she had to go and slip so they would kiss. He
sighed. This sucked.
     It would have been okay if only there had just been an awkward
moment. And almost-kissing moment. But no, their lips had to go and
actually touch. And since both their mouths had been open when
contact had occurred, their tongues were also involved in the
equation. Now he was going to have to go _face_ her.
     On top of that, he was exhausted.
     Rolling over to face the wall, Xander somehow managed to fall
asleep.
                                *
     The next morning, Xander was downing a glass of OJ and on his
way to the door when the doorbell rang. He jumped slightly, then
moved to the doorway. "Yeah?"
     "_Xan_der!" came an impatient shriek.
     Xander paled. Cordelia-- he'd forgotten! She was picking him
up to go to school, and he was barely even awake! He sighed,
looking down at his wrinkled clothes. Looked like this was gonna
have to be it, then. "Cordie?" he asked as he pulled the door open,
to reveal his girlfriend standing on the front porch in a short
sea-green dress.
     "Would you _hurry up_?" Cordelia snapped. "We're gonna be
_late_!"
     "Hurrying, yeah," he said, turning to grab his backpack up
from where he'd dumped it the night before on his way in. He
followed her out to her car. She was standing by the driver's side
door, waiting in the drizzling rain. Xander sighed, then walked
around and opened the door for her. She smiled and gave him a quick
peck on the lips. When he flinched away, she frowned. "Xander?" she
asked. "What's with you?"
     Xander shook his head, his lips tingling where they'd touched
Cordelia's. Burning. "Nothing," he sighed, moving back around the
passenger side. Cordelia's expression didn't change as she started
the car and pulled out of the driveway. Not meeting her eyes,
Xander buckled himself into the passenger seat. A few seconds
later, he cleared his throat. "Cordie?" he asked, "mind if I turn
on the radio?"
     She shrugged. "Go for," she said. "Just not any of that, you
know, dorky nerdy stuff you like."
     "Hey!" he objected., reaching for the radio dial. "Elvis is
_not_ dorky."
     "Like, what_ever_," Cordelia said, keeping her eyes on the
road. "He's _dead_."
     "No he's not."
     "Then he's undead and Buffy can shove a stake through his
heart," Cordelia muttered as Xander found a good station and let
the music play. Semisonic was on the radio, "Closing Time"
emanating from the speakers.
             //Closing time, time for you to go out
                To the places you will be from.//
     Cordelia shook her head, turning on the windshield wipers as
the rain picked up a bit. "This song makes no sense," she said.
     "Sure it does," Xander replied. "Makes plenty of sense."
     "Then explain it," she dared, shooting him a half-smirk.
     He paused a moment, then nodded, accepting the challenge.
"Okay," he said, "here goes. It's about these people who
are...well, they don't have any place to be."
     She raised an eyebrow. "You think?"
     He nodded. "Yeah. They're searching for something. A place to
belong, people to love them. It's about how nobody's happy where
they are because they need something...more."
     Cordelia shot him a sideways glance. "Overanalyze much?" she
asked.
     "Nah," he said, looking over at her. "I mean...think about it.
It's true. Every new beginning you get, something else has to die
for you to get it. Whether it be a person or a career or a
relationship..."
     "Are you saying you want to break up with me?!" Cordelia said,
suddenly slamming her foot down on the breaks. Xander reached his
hands out, bracing himself on the dashboard as whiplash struck with
a vengeance. "Because," she said, looking over at him, "I am _not_
about to get dumped by _you_-- if anybody is doing any dumping
here, _I_--"
     She broke off when Xander shook his head. "No," he said,
though the memory of what he'd done the night before with Buffy was
haunting the edges of his mind. He swallowed, shaking his head
again, and finding himself somehow unable to _stop_ shaking his
head. *Cut it out, nutcase!* his mind yelped, *before she suspects
something! Smile and nod! Smile and nod!* "I'm not gonna break up
with you, Cordie." The smile was weak. The nod was weaker.
     "So long as that's straight," she said, pressing on the gas
pedal to get the car moving.
     "But back to the song," he said. "The people...just don't have
anywhere else to be. So they get together in this bar and stay till
they have to leave."
     "They're in a bar?"
     "I heard it on the radio."
     "Stuck in a bar. Major bummer," Cordelia said as the car
pulled into the school parking lot. She parked the car, then
flashed him a smile. "I'm free sixth," she said. "meet you--"
     "--in the janitor's closet by the aud. Yeah." Without saying
anything more, Xander pushed the car open and walked into the
building through the rain, not letting him think about all the
complicated thoughts that were floating around uninvited through
his mind.
                                *
     Watching from her car as her boyfriend walked away, Cordelia
frowned. Xander was definitely bummed. And what had been with that
whole thing about the song? It was just music, jeez. She sighed,
sticking her keys in her purse, then walking into the school
building. Xander was nowhere to be seen, though. Great. She
wondered if it was something she'd said. Then she sighed. She had
class with Buffy in two periods, maybe she could ask the other if
she had any idea of what was up with Xander.
                                *
     "You _kissed_ her?" Willow exclaimed, only to have Xander slap
a hand over her mouth a moment later. "Mmm-mmphhmm!"
     "I didn't _mean_ to kiss her!" Xander yelped. "And you don't
have to say it so _loudly_!"
     Willow swallowed, nodded, and motioned for him to take his
hand away from her lips so she could speak. "But--" she started
when he did, "But you told Cordelia, right?"
     He gave her a _look_. "You serious?" he asked.
     "Of course I am, I mean, you, you can't just not _tell_ her,
can-- can you?" Willow was staring at him in something akin to
horror, and Xander had to admit that he didn't like the expression
at all.
     He sighed and shook his head. "I can't _tell_ her," he said.
"I mean, I didn't mean to do it, and I don't think Buffy's about
to, you know, go around screaming that she and I shared some kind
of special moment on her porch--"
     "A _moment_?"
     "Huh?" Xander stared at her for a few seconds, trying to
decide what exactly the look on Willow's face meant.
     "You have to tell Cordelia," Willow said. "This is like, you
know, cheating or something."
     "No it's not!" he objected. "This is _nothing_ like cheating!"
     "Just a little bit," Willow said. "I mean, it's not like you,
you guys were, you know..." She trailed off, leaving the idea of
what he knew to his imagination, before picking up again. "You have
to at least talk to her about it." She paused a moment. "Or to
Buffy, you could talk to her."
     "About what?"
     "What you're going to do about it."
     "What am I supposed to do about it? Act like it never
happened?" Xander was about to say more, but fell silent when he
saw the expression on Willow's face. He turned his own gaze on the
floor, not looking at her. "Will...you know how I feel about her,
I can't just...I don't know if I _want_ to just dismiss this."
     "But you-- you're going out with Cordelia!"
     "But..."
     "Xander," Willow said, and her voice had gone so soft that
Xander found he had to look at her in order to make out her words.
"You can't lie to her. Not if you love her."
     "But..." He shook his head. "It's not that simple." A sigh. "I
mean..."
     "What?"
     "Buffy. I love her, or lust for her, whatever you want to call
it." He straightened slightly. "But at the same time, it's...I care
about Cordie, too, so I can't really just tell her to book it,
besides, Buff's not ready for any kind of relationship, not after
everything with Angel, you know, so it wouldn't really be something
that would even work out."
     "But," Willow interrupted, "if you don't tell Cordie, then
aren't you sort of lying to her about how you, you know, how you
feel?"
     "Maybe," Xander sighed, slouching again. He shook his head,
looking up and speaking quickly. "But not really, 'cause I _do_
care about her, just not in quite the same way I care about Buffy."
     Willow nodded, staying silent now. "You're not gonna tell her,
are you," she said.
     Xander shook his head. "Nope," he replied. He looked at her a
long moment. "Will...you're not gonna say anything to her, are you?
I mean, I'll get this all worked out with Buffy and I know she
won't want to say anything, but--"
     "I won't say anything," Willow replied.
     Xander breathed a sigh of relief, giving her hand a squeeze.
"You're a dream, Will, an absolute dream."
     She smiled weakly as he let her go, then turned and backed out
of the room.

~

Comments to [e-mail], please.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 16 May 1998 23:13:22 EDT
From: KylenRevik <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: "Every New Beginning" -- (2/6)

See part one for disclaimers and notes. Comments to [e-mail].

~

     Willow watched in silence as Xander left, feeling like she had
something to say, something more to tell him, and yet somehow not
knowing what on earth she _could_ say that would ever make any
difference. What was there to tell him? That she knew how he felt?
And that if she had her way, he would dump Cordelia and forget
about Buffy so he could be with her? No, she wouldn't. Because
she'd decided weeks ago that she wasn't going to think like that
anymore. Because now she had Oz, and she loved him. And he loved
her back, which was the more important part of the equation. She
and Xander had never had an equation between them. Just sort of
scattered numbers that never seemed to add up.
     But...she couldn't believe what he'd just told her. That he
was going to talk to Buffy and "straighten things out", then turn
around and keep going on with Cordelia as though nothing had
happened at all.
     All through school, they had known Cordelia, or thought they
had. And it was only in the last half year that she'd begun to
deepen and become more of a friend and less of someone to make
horrible fun of. Only last week, she'd confided in Willow and Buffy
that she really did care about Xander, more than she'd thought
possible. Listening to that had hurt more than Willow had expected.
She shook her head. But she had Oz now, so she didn't need to keep
mooning over Xander. She just wished he would stop watching Buffy
and realize _what it was he had_ with Cordelia. Because from day
one, ever since Willow had known him, Xander had been the kind who
wanted something up until the point he got it-- and then he started
wanting more.
     For once, she wanted him to figure out that what he had,
though it wasn't something he'd ever thought he'd want, was worth
it. That he didn't need to start roaming. She didn't think he had
any idea of how much it would hurt Cordelia to find out he still
had the hots for Buffy. She herself wasn't so sure. She knew it
would be bad, though, and that she wouldn't want to be around for
the fallout.
     It was for that reason, and not for any of the reasons Xander
had brought up, that Willow finally came to peace with the decision
not to tell Cordelia what had happened.
                                *
     "Buffy!" Xander called, walking into the library, "we need to
talk."
     Buffy looked up from where she was standing, pouring over a
book with Giles, her expression going blank when she realized who
it was that had called her name. She smiled weakly. "Um, okay," she
said. "Giles, s'it okay if we use your office?"
     Giles looked from Buffy to Xander, and from the expression,
Xander had the feeling Buffy might have, oh, told him about the
previous night. He sighed. Wonderful. Then he flashed the Watcher
a smile as he followed the Slayer into the library office. "Buffy,"
he began, before she had the chance to speak.
     "Xander," she cut him off, "I've been thinking. And about last
night, well, I think we should just dismiss it as being seriously
late and the middle of exams and put it behind ourselves, because,
let's face it, you and me would never work out. I think you're a
really great guy, and you're an awesome friend, but that's _all_ I
think of you as because we just don't seem to be, you know, people
who'd be anything more than that. And," she continued without
taking a breath, "more than that, I think we should think about how
getting involved with each other would hurt the other people in our
lives, like you know, Cordelia, because you two have a _very good
thing_ going, and you don't need to screw that up at all, and that
reminds me of another thing, which is that I don't think we should
even, you know, tell anybody else about that, though I did maybe
mention it to Giles because I needed his advice on how to handle
this, because even though you're actually a better kisser than I
thought, it's the kind of thing that could hurt Cordie if she found
out, and well, it seems sort of like a stupid thing to do if we're
just going to not follow up on it anyway, which we're not, because
I don't think of you that way and I really don't think I ever will,
even though it's not you, 'cause it's me, 'cause ever since
everything went down with Angel I'm just so _totally_ not up for
the whole relationship thing, but even if that _hadn't_ happened,
you're still, you know, one of my best friends, and getting
involved with best friends is always such a seriously bad
idea...you know?" Finishing the rather extensive ramble, Buffy
turned on a smile and fixed it on him.
     *Good,* Xander thought, a wave of relief crashing over him.
*Except then again, she could be a little more reluctant to not do
anything-- even if I don't want to do anything, which I don't,
'cause I've got Cordie.* Though some small part of him protested
the ease with which she was dismissing the kiss, he nodded.
"Gotcha. Agreed. Glad we had this chat. Later!" Then he turned and
walked out of the office, waving to Giles on his way out.
     Giles turned toward the office just in time to see a rather
flustered Buffy emerge. "So," he asked, "how did it go?"
     Buffy smiled wearily. "The monologue?" She shrugged. "Better
than I thought it would." She shook her head dismissively. "Now,
what were we looking over?"
                                *
     "Shit!"
     "What?"
     "We're supposed to be in the library!"
     "But it's only--"
     "I know!"
     "Think they'll mind if we're a little late?"
     "Ten minutes."
     "Agreed."
     "Cool."
     "Mmmm...Xander?"
     "Yeah?"
     "What's wrong?"
     "Nothing's wrong."
     "Something's wrong. You're distracted."
     "No I'm not."
     "You seem distracted."
     "Well, I'm not."
     "If you say so."
     "I say so."
     "Well, you don't need to snap."
     "I didn't snap!"
     "Yes, you did!"
     "No I-- Mmph! Cordelia?!"
     "Well, you're cute when you snap."

~

More to come, comments to [e-mail], please.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 16 May 1998 23:14:10 -0400
From: [e-mail] (Ingrid E Stanton)
Subject: BUFFYFIC: "Reunion" Interlude #9: "Confusing Revelations" --Ingrid

DISCLAIMER: The characters of Buffy, Giles, Cordelia,
Spike, Xander, Drusilla, Willow, Angel & co. are the property
of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Productions,
and The Warner Brothers Network, and are used without
permission. The author claims no rights to these characters.
SUMMARY: WeÆve returned to Angel and Buffy
outside in the sunà
STORY INFO: This series is meant as a companion
to "Reunion." (The flashbacks take place about 9 years
beforehand.) If you havenÆt read "Reunion," this wonÆt
make much sense to you. If you donÆt have parts 1-16
of it, you can write to me and request them.


"Reunion" Interlude # 9:
"Confusing Revelations"
by Ingrid

He felt the soft folds of her sweatshirt as he caught her by the
arms and then a corresponding rip of pain in his shoulders. He
nearly dropped her. HeÆd *never* felt anything like it.

It was burning. He was in the sun, and he could feel the flames
licking at his arms; singeing. He needed run back inside; to drag
her back into the darkness, but something was keeping him there.
He couldnÆt leave.

So this was the sun from so long ago. It was redder than heÆd
remembered; huge. His head was throbbing. She was trying to
get up now, and he waited, took a gulp, and looked at his arms.

They were untouched, soft and pale as ever. But his skin itched
and burned. He could feel it. Why wasnÆt he burning? Why-

"Ohmygod. Angel!" She tried to push him back inside, but he
wouldnÆt budge. She couldnÆt see any flames.

He had his eyes closed, as if he were asleep, but with a
tremendous nightmare. He was gritting his teeth in pain.

"YouÆre not- You were crying. You canÆt cry."

"No. I canÆt." The words came out softly, a revelation on
his lips. He didnÆt have to say anything. She knew. And it
couldnÆt be real- How could it be real?

They helped each other upright, struggling to steady one
another. He wasnÆt looking at her deceptively like he had
when theyÆd first met, but met her eyes with equal confusion.
Fright, even.

"YouÆre human." The words sounded juvenile and hopelessly
obvious, but they grounded them both, establishing what theyÆd
seen as reality. They struck her with their meaning, and she
grabbed him with all her slayerÆs strength times ten. She felt him
choke suddenly and she loosened her grip.

"Sorry." She paused. "How does it feel?" she ventured, looking
up at his face.

"I feel like IÆm burning," he admitted, squinting against the bright
rays.

"God. Maybe we should get you inside."

"Ya know, as much as IÆm enjoying this burning thing, I think youÆre
right."

She rolled her eyes and offered her shoulder for him to lean on as they
hobbled back into the apartment. He groaned in pain as he sat down
on the bed, rubbing the wound on his face lightly.

She pulled his hand away. "DonÆt touch that."

"It hurts."

"ThatÆs exactly why you shouldnÆt touch it. Do you think itÆs gonna
get better if you keep doing that?" And then something else dawned.
His injuries. They should have been gone by now. SheÆd healed so
much more than he had. It was strange seeing him like this. He looked
truly shaken, as if he didnÆt believe what was going on at all.

She was going to mention the injuries, but he looked nervous
enough, sitting there, obsessing over the bruise near his eye,
more like a lost little boy than anything else. Later, she decided.
TheyÆd have time to discuss this later. For now, he needed to
heal. He needed rest.

She patted his shoulder. "Come on, Angel. You should sleep."
He looked at her like she was speaking a language he didnÆt
understand. God, he was out of it. Realizing that talking
wasnÆt going to get her anywhere, she eased him down on
the bed and pulled the covers up over both of them.

He reached out for her and held her to his chest like a
favorite stuffed animal. Finally contented, he let his
eyelids droop and he drifted off.

She remained awake for some time before joining him.

***
END, #9

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------------------------------

Date: Sat, 16 May 1998 23:16:57 EDT
From: KylenRevik <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: "Every New Beginning" (3/6)

See part one for notes and disclaimers. COmments to [e-mail],
please.

~

     Her heels skidded on the floor as Cordelia came to a stop
inside the library, just behind Xander, still trying to put her
hair back up in her ponytail holder. She took in the scene around
the room. Giles was at the desk, checking in books that had been
returned-- actually working as a _librarian_, for once in the time
she'd known him. She grinned to herself. Great. Then she glanced at
Buffy, who was curled up with some novel in the corner, and Willow,
who was doing her homework. Maybe she and Xander shouldn't have
hurried, she thought when she realized nobody was looking up. She
sighed.
     The noise caught the attention of the rest of the people in
the room, and Buffy glanced right at her. Cordelia was surprised
when the other girl's eyes dropped immediately to the floor. So now
she wasn't even worth enough to meet eyes with? She sighed. And
here she'd thought maybe they were finally beginning to understand
her. But then again, nobody else ever had, so why should these
guys?
     "You two certainly took your time getting here," she heard
Giles say from across the room.
     "Yeah, well," Xander's said. "We got kinda busy."
     Cordelia felt a blush creeping into her cheeks. Not something
she was used to, having a boyfriend who blurted out what they'd
been doing when she was standing right there. Usually, they waited
till she was out of sight, and then told their friends. At least
Xander told the _truth_, she thought with a hint of contentedness.
     "I'll bet you did," Willow said, her voice showing a slight
smirk from across the room where she was doing her math homework.
     "At any rate," Giles said, "it turns out there's no need for
a meeting this afternoon."
     "Great," Cordelia chirped.
     "So," Xander said to break the silence that was becoming heavy
a moment later, "if there's no need for a meeting, we can go?"
     Giles nodded. "Exactly."
     There was another long pause, and the only sound anyone could
make out was that of Buffy turning the pages of her novel and
Willow's pencil scratching the paper she was writing her homework
on.
     "Hey," Cordelia said, "what is _with_ you guys?"
     "Wha?" Buffy said, looking up.
     "Nothing!" Xander said quickly.
     Cordelia looked over at him, shaking her head. "No," she said.
"This is...weird. You guys never just sit around doing nothing,
you're always talking about a bunch of stuff, and..." She trailed
off when she saw the way they were all staring at her. Okay, so now
she was the babbling lunatic. She sighed. "Never mind," she said.
Then she looked at Xander. "You want a ride home?" she asked.
     He grinned at her, looking slightly nervous. "Sure," he said.
     "C'mon, then," she said.
     He nodded and followed her out of the room.
                                *
     "He didn't tell her, did he," Giles said, after a few moments
of silence.
     Buffy shook her head. "No," she said. "We kind of agreed. It
wouldn't be good for Cordie. If she knew."
     "Yeah," Willow piped up quietly.
     All three looked at each other for a few seconds, then as
though they were working from one mind, each returned his or her
attention back to the work they'd been doing before Xander and
Cordelia had appeared.
                                *
     "So," Cordelia said, "there was this whole thing going in
Painting, because some kid was talking about Dali and..."
     Xander found himself not listening as Cordelia chatted about
her day. He found himself not caring, either. About anything past
the fact that he was now lying to her, which was not a good thing,
but it wasn't as though he wanted her to know, either. Seemed as
though there should be some sort of middle ground, from his
perspective, at least.
     It wasn't that he _wanted_ to lie to her, and wasn't her
happiness supposed to be more important? But maybe that wasn't the
case at all, and maybe he should try the whole honesty gig. It
wasn't as though he stood to lose anything, because he could
honestly tell her that he'd rather be with her on a long-term basis
than with Buffy, and that was probably what she'd want to hear.
     "It was like, _no_, you _idiot_, Dali was _not_ a realist..."
     He was only peripherally aware of her speech, paying more
attention to how he himself was thinking about things than how she
wanted him to react to her words.
     What did he know. He knew he wanted to be able to stay with
her. He knew he wanted to be able to look her in the eye. He'd sort
of prefer that she not dump him, and he'd like it if the awkward
silence that had occurred in the library didn't become some sort of
permanent fixation in their relationship. He'd also, he had to
admit, like to get this off his chest.
     But no matter how he sliced things, it all came back to what
Buffy had pointed out: that finding out her boyfriend had kissed
somebody else might really upset Cordelia, and so long as both of
them had no intentions of pursuing a relationship, which neither of
them did, then there shouldn't be any harm in simply not mentioning
it to Cordie, 'cause she'd be fine and that was all there was to
it, was it not?
     Okay, then, he wasn't going to tell her. Because it was a
need-to-know sort of thing, even though Giles and Willow probably
hadn't needed to know, but they were acting as confidants so that
was okay. Cordelia _definitely_ did not need to know, and since
he'd already used Willow as the place where he'd been unburdening
his soul, then he didn't have to worry about feeling obligated to
say anything whatsoever, did he.
     No, he told himself, he did not.
     "Xander, are you even paying attention to me?"
     "Cordie, I kissed Buffy last night." His eyes widened the
second the words were past his lips, and he gulped as Cordelia
slammed on the breaks, pulling them over in barely the blink of an
eye.
     She didn't say anything at first, though. Just sat and stared,
her eyes aimed straight ahead, and her jaw hanging open. After a
few seconds, when Xander was beginning to wonder if he'd given her
a heart attack or something, though he didn't think those happened
often in girls who kept in shape like Cordie did, she whispered
incredulously: "_What_?" Slowly, as though she were so horrified
she was having a hard time controlling the movement of her own
body, her head turned so she was facing him.
     He swallowed, wincing. He hadn't meant to say it, he'd made a
deal with himself that he _wasn't_ going to say it! *Stupid
_mouth_!* his brain yelled. *Why did you have to open up and let
_that_ come out?! Idiot!*
     His lips again ignored the signals coming from his brain, and
he heard himself saying, "did I say I kissed Buffy? I meant-- I
meant I, um, I missed stuffy. Being stuffy. I-- I...had a stuffy
nose last week?" He nodded decisively.
     *Brilliant, cheeseball,* his mind snapped.
     Cordelia was staring at him, disbelief in her expression. "You
_kissed_ her?" she asked.
     "I..." He looked at her, then swallowed. "I might have."
     "Like, on the lips?"
     "There may have been...a...slight...amount. Of lip to lip
contact. Possibly." He was sounding more and more pathetic by the
second, he realized, and if he wasn't damned lucky, Cordelia was
going to wind up kicking his rather uncomfortable ass right out of
her car.
     "I..." She trailed off, just staring at him, then shook her
head. "I can't believe this."
     "Okay," he said quickly. "You don't have to believe it, that's
okay, we can, you know, just not believe it and move on. Right?"
The look on her face told him no, it wasn't going to be that easy.
He sighed. "Cordie," he sighed, "it wasn't like, you know, a big
kiss. It was just..."
     "Just a lip-kiss." She shook her head. "And that's why you
guys have all-- Oh my _god_, you've _all_ been acting so
weird...you told _Willow_ and _Giles_ about this?!"
     He shook his head. "No, just Willow, I think Buffy might have
told Giles, though."
     Cordelia was shaking her head slowly, her fingers wound around
the car's steering wheel. Xander realized, then, that her knuckles
had turned white while they'd been speaking, just since he'd broken
the news.
     *No,* his mind corrected itself, *since your stupid _mouth_
broke the news.*
     Well, okay then, since his mouth broke the news. He sighed.
"Cordelia, I'm sorry."
     "Yeah, well, maybe you should be. And maybe you should walk
home."
     Xander raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"
     She shook her head. "Xander, leave. Okay? Now."
     "But we're in the middle of no..." He trailed off, realizing
how shaken she was when she reached out and flipped the radio on in
mid-sentence, then started hitting buttons on the car's CD player.
     "Okay," he said. "I'm going."
     *See what you did now?* his mind asked as he climbed out of
the car and moved to the side of the road as Cordelia drove away.
     *Yeah,* he thought softly. *I see.*

~

More to come. Comments to [e-mail], please.

------------------------------

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