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From: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com (buffyfic-digest)
To: buffyfic-digest@lists.xmission.com
Subject: buffyfic-digest V2 #184
Reply-To: $SENDER
Sender: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com
Errors-To: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com
Precedence: bulk
buffyfic-digest Wednesday, May 13 1998 Volume 02 : Number 184
In this issue:
BUFFYFIC: A Dream among the Nightmares (1/2)
BUFFYFIC: A Dream among the Nightmares (2/2)
BUFFYFIC: ruiner
Re: BUFFYFIC: ruiner
BUFFYFIC: "Future Imperfect" -- Chapter Nine (2/2)
BUFFYFIC: "Future Imperfect" -- Chapter Nine (1/2)
See the end of the digest for information on (un)subscribing to the buffyfic
or buffyfic-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 13 May 1998 00:21:29 -0400 (EDT)
From: sarah <segordy@acsu.buffalo.edu>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: A Dream among the Nightmares (1/2)
Ko. This is my own personal therapy, to get through the night, and maybe
until the end of exams, at which point I can finish some of these stories
crowding my brain. This is inspired by The Becoming, part I, and was
created while listening to the soundtrack of Interview with the Vampire,
which if you ask me is just perfect for an evil Angel. :)
Disclaimer: I only wish this were mine. Maybe one day when I'm rich and
bored it will be. Now I'm neither, so it's not. All I can say is,
please, oh please Joss, don't kill off Angel. ::whine:: I need angst in
my life. And you don't get more angsty than ::sigh:: Angel.
Archive: If you feel you must, but tell me first.
Comments: Most welcome! And send over anything else you deem necessary.
Like chocolate or flowers.
A Dream among the Nightmares
By Sarah Liz Gordy
I saw you there, among the light
You were the light
So young
So innocent
So very like the gypsy girl
Who in her own way, led me to you
You didn't know what you were to face
What you would become
What you already were
You weren't ready
You would be the lamb of their sacrifice
He knew that, the one who found you
But he took you on
You, the only hope
I don't know why it mattered to me
I haven't felt like this in the century of guilt
But I saw you
Everything changed
I don't know what to say or how to say it
Perhaps I won't say anything at all
But I cannot stay as I am
I cannot let you
I know what they would do to you
What I would have done
What I have done, to so many others of your calling
I won't let that happen to you
I'm not sure what I will do
Right now, I'm not fit to do much of anything
I must go now, and learn about you
About them
About this place, and reluctantly
Myself as well
But I will return to you
Always to you
I know the one who found you will protect you
I do not fear on that account
But the both of us,
The demon and myself
We know there is more
For a demon, he reads too much
But it has apparently served him well
You will not be able to face your future battles alone
I do not prize myself enough to think
I will be the companionship you require
Or desire
And I know there will be others to aid you
You are quite singular in that fashion
But an equally singular vampire
Endowed with a terribly singular curse
Even he is allowed a dream
Among his nightmares
I see you know
So different
You stumbled across the weight of the world
It fell upon you with your first slaying
The knowledge
The hurt
It rips you up inside
You don't know where to put it
In your shallow world
There's no place to hide
And you don't even feel the tears
As the ones you hold the closest
Pull farther apart
Under the lies you had to tell
Because you knew they wouldn't believe
I'll believe you
But you wouldn't be able to return the favor
Not yet
I will prove myself
To you
To them
To the demon inside me who even now rattles the cage of my willpower
And to the little one thought enough of my potential
To drag me from the sewer rat I'd become
I had strength once and powers
I do not know if they still exist within me
Or if to banish the demon
I must take leave of them as well
But for you I will challenge it
I will dip into the strength it possesses
I will fight my inner demon as you fight the others
So that I may join you in your battle
And make it my own
~
Copyright 1998,
Sarah Liz Gordy
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
a a a
a Sarah a a
a a ::exhale, evil grin:: a
a Liz a "I was goin' thru a *phase*" a
a a a
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAngelus
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 13 May 1998 00:24:08 -0400 (EDT)
From: sarah <segordy@acsu.buffalo.edu>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: A Dream among the Nightmares (2/2)
See first part for intro and disclaimers - all apply.
A Dream among the Nightmares
By Sarah Liz Gordy
I almost didn't recognize you
But I've found you again
We are both so very different from that first night
You look older
Much more so than your body could have become
You look harder
Stronger
And just a shade more lonely
I heard what happened
What that I could have spared you that pain
I would spare you more if I could
But honestly, I don't know if I'll be able
I am strong now
More so than the others
But theirs is a demonic rage
Not to be underestimated
But as I said, you seem quite changed
Almost as if you could handle it now
On your own
But that is a good thing I think
Now we are equals
I have something for you
I've been keeping it for sometime
I never seem to be able to work up the nerve
To actually give it to you
That would require close contact
Very dangerous
For me
To speak with the object of my every waking thought
The subject of my only dream
I think of you and I am ashamed
I cannot be who you would want me to be
If for some deluded reason
You would ever want me
Could I speak with you and stay calm?
I cannot think of you and do the same
Fear for you clouds my thinking
Fear and something else I daren't define
That which prompts me carry around this rattling box
Like a besotted fool
Waiting for that moment
The one that has yet to present itself
That will be the perfect moment
The one in which we meet
I still don't know what to say
But the time is drawing near
I no longer have a choice
The situation around us demands action
I look for you
To present my gift
A most sacred and feared emblem
But you are already gone
Out into the night I will search for you
Lurking in the shadows
That's one thing that little freak
My teacher
Will still let me do
You think I am cruel to say so?
He is a freak
And so am I
Neither of us is quite who we seem
Neither of us belongs where we should
He seems to be content as he is though
Like he's found what he needs to do
And perhaps
Just now
So have I
*
I was there, though I admit it to no one
Cowering from the light
Drawn to you
~
Copyright 1998
Sarah Liz Gordy
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
a a a
a Sarah a a
a a ::exhale, evil grin:: a
a Liz a "I was goin' thru a *phase*" a
a a a
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAngelus
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 13 May 1998 00:28:05 -0400 (EDT)
From: sarah <segordy@acsu.buffalo.edu>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: ruiner
here is one i thought you could enjoy
who's persective do *you* think it's in?
nin
Ruiner
You had them on your side, didn't you?
You believed in all your lies, didn't you?
The ruiner's got a lot to prove he's got nothing to lose and now he made
you believe
The ruiner's your only friend well he's the living end to the cattle he
deceives
The raping of the innocent you know the ruiner ruins everything he sees
Now the only pure thing left in my fucking world is wearing your disease
How did you get so big?
How did you get so strong?
How did you get so hard?
How did it get so long?
You had to give them all a sign, didn't you?
You had to covet what was mine, didn't you?
The ruiner's a collector he's an infector serving his shit to his flies
Maybe there will come a day when those that you keep blind will suddenly
realize
Maybe it's a part of me you took it to a place I hoped it would never go
And maybe that fucked me up more than you'll ever know
How did you get so big?
How did you get so strong?
How did you get so hard?
How did it get so long?
What you gave to me
My perfect ring of scars
You know I can see what you really are
You didn't hurt me nothing can hurt me
You didn't hurt me nothing can stop me now
~
one more...
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
a a a
a Sarah a a
a a ::exhale, evil grin:: a
a Liz a "I was goin' thru a *phase*" a
a a a
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAngelus
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 13 May 1998 00:39:40 -0400 (EDT)
From: sarah <segordy@acsu.buffalo.edu>
Subject: Re: BUFFYFIC: ruiner
I am *so* sorry. I did *not* mean this for the list _at all_, though in
my personal opinion, it has everything to do with buffy, though in a
Spike-looking-at-what-Angel-is-doing-to-*his*-Dru sort of way. But that's
not the point. Please forgive me for this waste of bandwidth and time,
and have mercy on a poor college student who is so far wigged about exams
that she doesn't even notice she's sending newly discovered nine inch
nails lyrics to the buffy listserv instead of her best friend. Honest -
they looked the same at the time... (but no, Rach doesn't actually look
like Buffy, it was, oh, nevermind. I'll shut up now.)
Please, be kind. I know I was wrong. No flames... ::whimpering in the
corner::
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
a a a
a Sarah a a
a a ::exhale, evil grin:: a
a Liz a "I was goin' thru a *phase*" a
a a a
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAngelus
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 13 May 1998 06:15:06 EDT
From: KylenRevik <KylenRevik@aol.com>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: "Future Imperfect" -- Chapter Nine (2/2)
This is the second half of Chapter Nine. See the prologue for notes and
disclaimers. All comments to KylenRevik@aol.com, please.
~
He sprinted after her, not wanting to call out, but not
knowing how he was going to be able to do anything to stop her. He
heard both her voice and Angelus' long before he reached the actual
monument.
"Buffy, come _on_," came Angelus' voice. "Don't be ridiculous.
You know as well as I do that you've broken out of grips like this.
I could get up and we could fight, if you want me to prove it to
you."
"Fine, try it and we'll see."
"Nah. It'll be much more fun the way I've got things planned."
Xander swallowed hard and pushed himself harder, coming up on
the grove just in time to see Angelus coming away from the Slayer's
throat. "No," he whispered.
"Time for Buffy to have a little snack," Angelus hissed, and
Xander watched as he pulled the blade away from his wrist and
lowered it to Buffy's lips, holding her nose closed with the other
hand.
Xander felt his stomach turn, seeing Buffy for the second time
reach for the stakes behind the gravestone, missing again. He
swallowed. He had to save her. Had to do something, he couldn't
just stand her doing nothing until...until...what? Until he lost
her again? He couldn't, he couldn't go through that again, he
couldn't have her so close and then--
He was moving for her stakes almost before he knew what he was
doing himself. Angelus was so intent on his prey that he seemed
only peripherally aware of Xander's presence-- and when he did look
up, it was to flash a cruel, predatory smile toward him. As if to
say, Xander was next.
Xander swallowed, reaching out and grabbing one of the stakes,
hearing Buffy scream as she lost her breath and began to open her
mouth, saw Angelus' grin twist into something even more horrifying
as Buffy started to swallow and all there was to breathe in was his
blood.
Xander lunged down at the two of them, stake in hand. Angelus,
hearing the movement, glanced up at the last moment-- and Xander's
stake found its target. A sharp poof, the sound of a vacuum being
suddenly filled, sucked at Xander's eardrums for a bare second.
Then he found himself holding the stake over Buffy and a pile of
ash.
He stared down at her, his voice having vanished from his
throat, without anything to say or do to offer her assurance, and
slowly sank to his knees beside her. "Buffy," he whispered, "are
you alright?"
His eyes swept down her torso, and he sighed in relief when he
saw there was no blood. Then his yes traced their way slowly, back
to her throat...where a fountain of blood was bubbling over the
skin Angelus had cut open. He moved his hands to her neck as though
by covering the wounds he could save her, as if by taking them from
his sight he could somehow prevent what he already knew was going
to happen. As though he could change what had happened so he
wouldn't fail this time.
"Angel," he heard her whisper softly, as blood bubbled up over
her lips.
He swallowed, staring at her in something akin to shock. Even
at death's door, when she had to know she wasn't going to live out
the next few minutes, she still had faith that he would be there.
Not him, he told himself. Angel.
"Angel," she whispered again, reaching toward him. "Angel,
hold me..."
Xander flinched away for a half-second, then took a shaky
breath and let her hand wrap itself around his own. "Buffy," he
said, his voice barely more than a whisper.
"Angel, I love you," she choked, her words more blood than
breath.
Xander stroked her hair, gathering her in his arms and pulling
her close. "Shh," he soothed.
"So cold," she whispered, pressing against him as best she
could, so weak and draining so quickly Xander wondered at the fact
that she was still even able to speak.
"Shh," he said again, his hand stroking her hair gently, his
arms holding her close. "I'll take you to a doctor, everything will
be alright," he said softly.
"Angel, don't leave me," Buffy breathed as he moved to lift
her, blood gurgling eagerly over her lips, her skin becoming more
and more pale as the seconds flew by all too quickly.
"I won't," Xander said, "I'll never leave you, I'm here..."
"I knew you wouldn't leave me," she whispered, "I...love
you..."
"I know," he said, his lips falling to brush her forehead,
still warm. "I'm here." He held her for a long, silent moment
before he realized she hadn't answered him. He swallowed, feeling
tears welling up in his eyes and not making an effort this time to
stop them.
She was gone.
He had failed again.
Letting the dead girl's body slip from his arms, Xander sank
to his knees in the grass, crumpling in on himself as tears
streamed down his cheeks. Not caring, not even aware of what might
be going on around him, not thinking of anything but the body
before him and the woman he had failed, Xander did nothing to try
to prevent the tears from falling.
~
Comments to KylenRevik@aol.com, please.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 13 May 1998 06:15:12 EDT
From: KylenRevik <KylenRevik@aol.com>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: "Future Imperfect" -- Chapter Nine (1/2)
This is part one of chapter nine. There are thirteen chapters in all. Please
e-mail KylenRevik@aol.com with comments, questions, or requests for missing
pieces. See prologue for all notes and disclaimers.
~
"Part Nine: Split Infinities"
Place: Sunnydale Cemetery.
Time: Split Infinities.
Xander stared at the scene before him, mentally replaying what
he had just witnessed as he moved forward to Buffy, the pile of ash
that had fallen on her, and the stake that rested atop both. "Oh,
God..." he whispered. "Buffy..."
He lowered himself to his knees, moving to check Buffy's
pulse. His fingers met with torn flesh and hot, wet blood. He
swallowed sharply, feeling tears coming in his eyes. He had failed.
He hadn't been here in time to stop her, and once he had seen her
fighting Angelus he hadn't known how to stop the fight before she
would die and things would fall apart, and he had missed his
chance...this was so wrong, so very, very wrong, why hadn't he been
able to stop it? How could he have _failed_?
"Buffy," he whispered, "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..."
His eyes traced down her shirt to the pool of blood that was
forming at her belly, the hilt of the knife Angelus had thrust deep
within her flesh still sticking out. Xander shut his eyes and let
his hands wander to the knife's handle, giving it a hard jerk. It
came out with a sick sucking sound, and his stomach turned as more
blood flowed over his hands.
When he finally opened his eyes, his gaze was on her face.
Beautiful, her features relaxed. Ever since he had met her, when
Buffy had first transferred to Sunnydale, there had been a haunted
look about her. She had been one pursued since before he had known
her. Now there was nothing-- no fear, no apprehension. No sign of
anything but peace. He leaned down and kissed her forehead gently.
"I'm sorry," he whispered again, choking slightly on the
words, wondering how he could have been such an idiot, how he could
have possibly let her do this again.
Cordelia had been right, he realized. He had failed. He had
missed his chance and now he had to live with the knowledge that if
he had tried a little harder, if he'd been able to break free of
the stillness that had claimed him when he had realized they were
already fighting, he would have been able to do something.
*Buffy is dead. And it's my fault.*
The thought, he knew, would be echoing in his mind for the
rest of his life. Slowly, as slowly as he could, he stood and
stared and then began to walk away from the body. By the time he
neared the cemetery entrance, the one he had come through, he could
barely make himself move at all, so great was the pain that echoed
though his mind with every thought of her. Lying there. Bleeding.
Dead.
And someone was coming toward him.
Xander swallowed quickly, wondering if Cordelia might have
followed him, maybe she had decided he needed to be stopped. Maybe
she had called the police after all. Maybe a million things. Maybe
he was insane and seeing things and the entire night was a delusion
and he would never know for sure.
"Candle, guide ye the way for..."
He glanced up at the voice, realizing immediately that it
wasn't Cordelia's. His eyes began to search for the source of the
voice, but when he saw it he could hardly believe his eyes.
Buffy was making her way through the gates of the cemetery. He
felt a strangled cry in his throat, not words, just a sort of
disbelieving choke. But it was enough-- the Slayer glanced toward
him. Though he wasn't sure if she could actually see him, here in
the shadows, she was perfectly illuminated by the lights of the
entrance, and he knew it was her. Not a hallucination, not a
vision, not some sort of madness he would never be able to conquer.
She was Buffy, and more remarkably...she was alive.
He fought to speak, but his voice kept catching in his throat.
She was moving again, toward where he had just left her body.
Xander was almost too busy thinking about her, that she was alive
and breathing and just twenty feet away from him, that he almost
forgot that. When the image of her body sprang back into his mind,
where he'd thought it had burned itself in, he gasped and managed
a word: "Buffy!" She stopped walking, turning back to look in the
direction he was calling from, and Xander somehow managed to
stumble to her.
He froze when he came within several feet of her, staring.
She was...beautiful. No other word, no other way to put it.
Simply beautiful. No longer was her skin stained red with blood, no
longer was she struggling against some sort of ghostly, ghastly
lover. The only clue Xander had as to how difficult the task of
dissuading her from her chosen course of action was the grim look
of determination in her eyes, the way her jaw was set hard, her
teeth clenched so tightly.
Not thinking, he reached out to touch her cheek-- but she took
a step backward, staring. "You," she said. "You're the man I saw in
the--"
"I'm Xander," he broke in, his voice no more than a whisper.
"Bu-- Buffy...it's me." She shook her head, moving to pass him by.
He grabbed her arm. "Buffy, believe me, it's me. I don't know how
or why, not really, only that--"
"Let me go, buddy," she said, her voice carefully measured in
that even, 'listen-to-me-or-I'll-make-sure-you-do' tone of voice.
He had heard her use it before, so very long ago, but it had no
effect on him.
"Don't go," he said quietly. "Cordelia--"
This froze her in mid-objection, and her voice fell from what
he was sure was intended to be an angered command to a shocked
whisper. "What about Cordie?" she asked.
"She told me."
Buffy's expression clouded over. "What are you, one of the
other Watchers?!" She jerked away from him, yanking her arm from
his hand. "God _damn_ it, I don't _care_ what you people say-- this
whole deal sucked megatime since the _beginning_, and you will
_not_ stop me from saving him!"
Xander drew back slightly at the force of her voice and the
emotions contained therein. He... "I never realized..." he
whispered.
"What," she snapped angrily. "That you people have messed up
my entire _life_? That from the moment the word 'Slayer' was
mentioned, I haven't done anything but lose people I care about and
things I've loved?"
Xander's jaw was hanging open slightly as he watched his
friend slowly losing more and more of her grip on her emotions, as
the tears began to form in the corners of Buffy's eyes and the
desperation in her tone became more and more pronounced. He didn't
respond to her words. He had no way to, no idea of what to say.
"First I got kicked out of Hemery because of your damn
_quest_. Then I moved here and lost all my friends _there_, then I
had to cloister myself away somewhere where nobody but the people
I trusted most in the world could get to me and half the time I
couldn't let any of them in anyway and then I lost Angel and now
that I'm on the verge of getting him back _you are not going to
stop me_!" By the time she had finished, Buffy's voice had risen to
a screaming pitch.
Xander shook his head, whispered, "I'm not a watcher..." was
all he could force out.
"I don't care what you are. Who you are. I'm going to save
him."
"You _can't_!" Xander exclaimed, realizing she was moving
toward the west monument again. "You don't understand, you'll die
if you fight him." He had no way to convey the urgency in his
feelings except through his tone, and it was obvious that wasn't
going to cut it for Buffy. Not now, not when she was this close.
Xander felt an inward shiver as he realized just how obsessed his
friend had become with the idea of getting her Angel back. When he
looked in her eyes, he could see a reflection of the same light he
saw in his own eyes every morning since he had come back to
Sunnydale, since the idea that he could get her back might be
something halfway close to reality.
For a brief moment, he wondered if it might even be _possible_
to convince her not to go back to fight Angelus again. If he might
not be wasting his time.
Then he remembered his words to Cordelia earlier, and realized
it didn't matter either way, because he had to try no matter what.
Even if fate had already decreed that the Slayer would die tonight,
he had to do everything in his power to stop her. He had failed
once already. He wasn't going to let it happen again.
"Buffy, you can't. He'll kill you."
"I don't care," she whispered, and Xander caught the
reflection of moon and streetlight on the tear that trickled down
her cheek before she turned and ran away from him.
~
More to come, comments to KylenRevik@aol.com.
------------------------------
End of buffyfic-digest V2 #184
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