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buffyfic-digest         Tuesday, May 12 1998         Volume 02 : Number 181



In this issue:

       BUFFYFIC: VA-Step six- Acceptance,(4/7) by Andrea
       BUFFYFIC: ADMIN:  List rules
       BUFFYFIC: VA- Step six - Acceptance, (5/7) by Andrea
       BUFFYFIC: VA- Step six -Acceptance (6/7) by Andrea

See the end of the digest for information on (un)subscribing to the buffyfic
or buffyfic-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Tue, 12 May 1998 06:50:25 PDT
From: "Andrea Newbery" <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: VA-Step six- Acceptance,(4/7) by Andrea

disclaimers in part one.


Antoine looked puzzled, then, "Huh, oh right...anyway, I had been
performing the ritual in the cellar of our house.  It had no windows and
I had to turn the lights off before I could go upstairs.  She collapsed
walking to the stairs and I ran and picked her up.  I was halfway up the
stairs when she woke and spoke to me, 'It needs the light, I can't fight
it long.'  She fell back, unconscious again.  I spent the night sitting
on the stairs in the dark, waiting to see if she would wake again.
Because it was her, my Mandy, the child I had known. Not the stranger
who had moved into her body.  When she finally woke I sat her on the
stairs and grabbed her hands.  'Mandy can you hear me?'  She was quiet
for so long, her little body so tense then, 'Dark, you must keep us all
in the dark. Please. So no one else will be hurt. Uncle, the dark. It's
the only place I can break through. I'm sorry.'  Her voice was so
panicked, so young.  I carried her upstairs and put her on the couch.  I
sat in my chair to think. Then I remembered the room, in this church.
Where you slept last night.  It was dark and hidden.  I thought that
eventually someone other than those affected would notice the children.
I called the other parents; told them we needed to keep the children in
the dark.  I offered to keep them in the room at the church.  Then I
went and bought supplies, food and blankets.  The cots were already
there from when the church had been used as a hiding place for fugitives
and others seeking asylum. Twelve children were affected and of those
ten came to the church that night.  We put the children in that room and
locked the door.  Then we each took turns sitting outside the door,
listening for any activity.  They were quiet for a few days.  We
received the news that the other children had gone missing, piles of
bones found in their parents' bedrooms.  Can you imagine how horrified
we were?  We didn't know what was happening or why? Most of all we had
no idea of any way to help the children, our children.  On the fifth day
I was on watch.  When I took their supper in I tripped over something on
the floor.  Turning the flashlight on it I saw bones.  I flipped on the
light switch to get a better look.  They were bones, turning to the
children I saw that there was only nine of them.  And they were
growling.  I turned and ran out of the room.  Sitting outside the door I
thought of them.  Had they looked bigger or had it just been my fear?  I
called the other parents thinking we needed to have more than one person
on guard.  For our own safety now more than for our children.  I spent
the night frantically looking for any information I could find on
demonic possession.  I was finally a true believer.  There could be no
other explanation.  No group of children could turn into these monsters
on there own.  On the seventh day one father couldn't take in anymore,
he went into the room to find his child.  To take him home.  Taking a
flashlight he went in.  They left the flashlight lying on top of his
bones.  On the tenth day the man who would save my life knocked on my
door."

"Finally.  These kiddies were worse than me and I was very, very bad."
He was sickened by the thoughts of these children. It reminded him of
the annointed one, evil children had never been his favorite. They were
something you should only find at the Hellmouth.

"It wasn't them! I told you my Mandy was not responsible!" Antoine
turned on him, his eyes shooting fire, "She was not in control of her
actions...You should understand that!"

"Why?  Because I've killed also?  I don't expect anyone to absolve me. I
AM RESPONSIBLE." He was getting angry, did no one ever take the blame
anymore?

"Fine, you waste your second chance crying about something you can never
change. If Mandy had been as lucky as you I know she would have done
something with it," Antoine sat gripping the sides of his chair as if he
was trying to hold himself in it, "What are you doing...except trying to
end it?"

"Look, why don't you just finish your little confession and I'll be on
my way." He was boiling mad at the man, but his curiousity wouldn't let
him leave.

"Right, I forget, it's just a story to you. To me it is the greatest
failure of my life. I lost the one thing I valued in this world."
Antoine slumped back in his chair all the fire drained from him.

He stared at him, shocked by how much older Antoine looked since he had
started his tale. "Sorry. The resposibility issue is a bit of a hotspot
with me.  I didn't mean to judge your niece.  I'm sure she wasn't in
control and I'm sure she didn't invite the demon into her life."  He
leaned towards Antoine feeling sick that he had upset this man, that he
had hurt him, "Please, I want to hear what happened. Who was this man?"

"He is...was my best friend. He died trying to save Mandy. He did save
the other children. He was a hero." Antoine looked at him curiously, "Do
you have friends...I mean...do vampires...care?"

"I have Dru, my girlfriend. She...I love her. And long ago there was
Angel. He taught me how to be the killer I am. We don't really get along
though. Too much history. He regained his soul a long time ago and was a
good guy. I tried to kill him and his girlfriend. Then lost his soul
again and slept with mine. Now he's good again, but we still aren't
close. You know I really didn't have time for friends when I was a
monster. It's more time consuming than you would think." Feeling
suddenly vulnerable he shuddered at the thought of Angel being the
closest thing he had to a friend. How sad.

"I'll be your friend. I already am," smiling, his earlier anger
forgotten Antoine leaned forward, "Shall I continue?"

"Please."

"So I quickly filled Joseph in on what was going on."

"Joseph?"

"The man at the door, my friend. Pay attention."

"Well you could have introduced him better."

"Fine, I apologize. May I continue?"

"Your tale."


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------------------------------

Date: Tue, 12 May 1998 11:38:47 -0400
From: sah <[e-mail]> (by way of sah <[e-mail]>)
Subject: BUFFYFIC: ADMIN:  List rules

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------------------------------

Date: Tue, 12 May 1998 09:26:10 PDT
From: "Andrea Newbery" <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: VA- Step six - Acceptance, (5/7) by Andrea

Disclaimers in part one.



Shaking his head, Antoine continued, " Alright then.  Joseph asked so
many questions like, how long this had been going on?  What were the
first signs?  Where the other parents looking as worn out as me?  Had I
been losing weight?  All sorts of questions that I couldn't see the
point of...then.  It took a couple hours of questioning before I
realized that he had known something was wrong before I had told him.
And when I told him my story, which even I found insane, he  believed it
immediately.  He never questioned that the children were under some sort
of spell or possessed.  I called him on it.  He just smiled and said he
could help.  He wasn't sure that he could save them.  He thought it may
be too late, the souls might not be anchored firmly enough in the bodies
anymore.  I remember staring at him, shocked at how calm he was, how
matter of fact.  I yelled at him then, asked him what he was, who he
was.  I had known him since I was Mandy's age and I hadn't known he
believed in the supernatural.  He let me yell, held me when I broke down
crying.  After I had calmed down he began to speak.  He told me of his
association with a group who believed in the supernatural.  How they had
come to him when he was in college.  How he had the ability to see into
the future.  Immediately I thought of how he always had been able to
guess what team would win at any sporting event.  Funny we never thought
anything of it.  I never thought anything of it.  He had worked with
them in secret for over twenty years.  They helped people who became
enmeshed with the spirit world.  I was one of those people now.  He
explained about the entity we were dealing with.  It was a demon, but
you knew that didn't you? Anyway this particular demon was called
(insert demon name here).  He wasn't the strongest of demons but he was
getting stronger here.  His intention was to create his body and destroy
innocence.  He needed all this death to create his body.  He would
possess people then cause them to kill by draining all the energy from
the people around them. The only thing he couldn't convert into energy
was the bones.  I think I threw up at that point.  Partly from relief.
I had been convinced they were eating the people.  Funny how some forms
of death and murder seem more acceptable.  Sorry, anyway the demon would
possess many people usually young children.  Needing to feed off their
energy until strong enough to be able to drain those closest to them.
Slowly he would pare down the number until only one was left.  That one
would be transformed through all the stored energy into (again, insert
demon name here).  He didn't know what had happened, how the demon had
gotten strong enough to possess our children.  The demon could usually
only possess children who were weak,  usually the sick or starving.  And
they usually all died long before he could create his body.  This time
Joseph was afraid he would succeed unless we stopped him." Antoine
paused staring off into the past.

"So what did you do?" He was on the edge of his seat.

"We stopped him"

"Yah, well I figured that. How?"

"Oh. Right.  Well, Joseph said we had done the right thing by putting
them in the dark, but we shouldn't have put them together.  That the
inital child would start to drain the other children of their energy.
That was why one of the children had died. The inital child had drained
him. I had thought they all killed him. Thinking I only had to worry
about one child I started to go into the room. After all, a grown man
should be able to overcome a small child, even if the child was
possessed, right? Joseph stopped me.  Told me the initial child didn't
need to touch me to drain my energy and also that all the children would
help. They were all connected to the same demon.  Deciding finally that
there was strength in numbers a group of thirty men entered into the
room. We..."

"Why did he want to know if you had lost weight?"

"Could you wait, I'll get to it."

"Sorry, I was just thinking that..."

"It will come up soon enough."

"It's just that..."

"Fine.  I was losing weight because my niece was converting all the fat
and muscle in my body to the energy she needed to become a demon.
Happy?"

"I kinda figured that's what it was. Won't say another word." He sat
back in his chair satisfied he had been right.

 Glaring at him, Antoine poured a new cup of tea and continued," So,
where was I? Right, okay, we went into the room and turned the light on.
I was literally shaking in my shoes.  The children just sat there
quietly. They seemed unnatural somehow, larger and almost glowing. I'm
still not sure if it was real or a trick of my fear.  Doesn't matter
anyway.  Mandy sat away from the rest of the children.  Joseph and I
went over to her while the rest of the men spirited the other children
away.  She looked at us, her eyes lingering on Joseph, then focusing on
me.  I remember feeling suddenly colder and totally exhausted. Joseph
turned to me, yelled for me to get out of the room.  He followed as
Mandy's joyful laughter chased us from the room. Locking the door from
the outside we collapsed into the chairs we are sitting on now.  You
know, you remind me of him. I'm not sure why."

"Well it's fairly safe to say I'm not his reincarnation."

Antoine laughed, "True. I should finish this, I didn't mean to tell it
in such detail, I only wanted you to see that your existence can still
be worthwhile. Instead I'm using you as my confessor."

"I don't mind," realizing that he truly didn't, "I feel bad for her, I
hope she didn't know what was happening. That's one thing I'm grateful
for, when the demon was killing, when I was killing, I was not aware of
it.  I've only experienced it as a memory.  Like a vivid dream I can't
let go.  I can't imagine being trapped and unable to stop yourself as
you destroyed those you love."

"She knew.  I wish she had been oblivious also, but if she had been, I
would be dead and another demon would be loose." Antoine smiled sadly at
him, "She got her chance for redemption though, she died free."

"How?"



- ---------------------------------------
Author's note: You may have noticed that as of now the demons name
appears to be 'insert demon name here'. I didn't forget to change it I
just can't seem to get him named so if anyone has any suggestions I
would be so grateful. Thanks.
Andrea

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------------------------------

Date: Tue, 12 May 1998 09:27:06 PDT
From: "Andrea Newbery" <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: VA- Step six -Acceptance (6/7) by Andrea

disclaimers in part one.



Antoine stared off into space, collecting himself, then began. "Joseph
and I sat outside the room for hours and he told me everything he knew
about this demon.  I won't tell you everything just that Mandy was the
initial child.  That she had been able to hear his voice and he fed off
her energy until he was strong enough to get the other children.  He
told me that the demon weakened without light.  That he needed it to
convert flesh into energy.  They didn't know how he did it exactly, but
leaving the children in the dark should weaken him enough to free them.
We sat there, both of us truly believing that the children separated and
left in the dark would soon be fine.  And some of them were.  Actually
all of them were except Mandy.  We could still hear her laughing from
behind the door three days later.  Joseph insisted we stop putting food
in the room for her.  He said we had to force the demon to use its
stored energy.  We had to weaken Mandy to weaken it.  I could tell that
Joseph wasn't telling me something, but I couldn't confront him with it.
One by one we received calls from the other parents that their children
seemed normal again.  The children all said the bad feelings were gone.
Joseph left to check on them.  He returned five hours later.  Frowning,
he sat down and looked at me. I felt my stomach drop, he looked so sad.
I remember his words, "They're all fine."  I couldn't figure out why
this wasn't good news.  He looked at the floor for a few minutes and
then destroyed the remainder of my world. "For Mandy... I think it's too
late, the transformation has gone too far.  The other children recovered
so fast, the demon had obviously transferred most of his energy into her
already. I'm sorry."  I sat, stunned, we couldn't save her.  She was
going to become a demon.  Then Joseph spoke again, "I can't let the
demon have his body. Do you understand?"   I knew then that my best
friend intended to kill my Mandy.  I stared at him, at the pain in his
face, a pale reflection of mine.   Moving quickly I grabbed a silver
candlestick, actually it's the one on the shelf behind you, and hit him
over the head.   Pulling the book and revealing the secret door I undid
the locks and turned on the lights.  Desperate to get Mandy somewhere
away from Joseph I ran into the room.  She was waiting for me.  She
barely looked like my niece anymore.  And as I felt my strength draining
from me I realized she wasn't.  I collapsed on the floor unable to move.
She stood over me laughing in a voice I didn't recognize.  Suddenly, we
were plunged into darkness and I heard a muffled thud as Joseph tackled
her.  There was a mind-shattering scream as Mandy took his energy from
him.  I watched, frozen, as everything that was Joseph disappeared.  He
screamed to me before he died, "You have to kill her before she
completes the change."  I knew he was right, this creature was not my
Mandy, just as you are not your demon.  Realizing I still held the
candlestick in my hand I hit her over the head again and again, but she
would not fall.  Tears streaming down my face I prayed for strength and
then..."  Antoine paused struggling to find words.

"Um...you can't stop there."

Antoine hesitated then pulling himself together went on, "Then my Mandy
spoke to me for the last time.  She begged me to finish it, not to let
the demon win.  For her I swung the candlestick one last time and fell
as her head split open.  She didn't move and not caring any longer
whether I lived, I crawled over to her body. Looking into her eyes I saw
only love.  The demon had fled its dying host.  Picking her up I cradled
her and sobbed.  She opened her eyes once, smiled and then slipped away.
My precious Mandy once again." Antoine stopped the tears streaming down
his face.

"Brave child,"his eyes filling with tears for the little girl and for
Antoine, "no wonder you loved her so much."

"She was special," Antoine smiled, "I was so lucky to have known her
just as I am lucky to know you now."

"Will you kill me then?" figuring he had finally found the meaning in
Antoine's sad tale, "Rid the world of another demon?"

"How could you even ask me that," jumping up from his chair Antoine
strode across the room to stand in front of him, "Did you hear nothing I
said?  Do you think I would have killed her if she could have controlled
the demon?"

"I am the demon," struggling to make Antoine understand, " I let this
happen to me."

"How?  Did you make the choice knowing fully what you would become?  Did
you plan on killing?  Did you realize the demon would be in control?
Mandy talked back to the voice in her head, is it her fault?" Antoine
spat the words at him.

"No...I don't know," trembling, he tried to hold on to his words, "I
need to be punished."

"No, you want to be punished. That won't erase what the demon...you did.
Why not try to replace the bad with good. That's what I did. Still do.
That's why I sit in this church with the doors unlocked day after day
waiting for lost souls. I can't erase what happened, but maybe I can do
some good for others," Antoine was gesturing wildly around at their
surroundings, "It is my salvation and my punishment in one, living here
where she died, I save other lives."

He was starting to feel the slightest hint of understanding, "So, you
accepted what happened, which was in no way your fault by the way, and
tried to replace bad with good?"

"Exactly."

"So I should do penance here instead of in hell?"

"No...not penance, you do this for you. You didn't choose to kill all
those people, even if you chose to become a vampire. There is no way you
could have known what would happen. I'm just saying, doing good will
help you deal with the guilt you feel. And it will also help this
world."

"I know what I could do. I could help the slayer kill other vampires. I
could save people from other demons. I could..."

"...volunteer?"

"Yah, no, I think I would prefer to help the Slayer," smiling at Antoine
he stood up from his chair, "Getting rid of other vampires certainly
seemed to help Angel deal."

"Angel?"

"Not important." Thinking of Angel's guilt, his suddenly slammed him in
the gut, "Okay, so say I've got a reason to continue, but how do I deal
with the guilt long enough to do anything other than brood?"

"Do you trust me?" Antoine said suddenly serious again.

"What? Yes, I think I actually do."

"Then let me hold the guilt. I'll tell you if you should be feeling it.
Accept what you did before, but don't dwell on it."

"I don't think I can."

"You may not think so now, but it will get easier. The memories will
fade and the more good you do the farther back they will go.  It's
getting early, are you planning on driving back tonight?"

"Yah, Dru probably is...well Dru, so I'd better get back," He looked at
Antoine reluctant to leave him, "Can I come back and visit?"

"Please, I want to know how you are doing." Antoine smiled at him,
"Maybe next time I'll let you talk."

"I've enjoyed listening, I'll never forget about Mandy."

"Good, its good that she exists still in our thoughts."

Antoine led him from the comfort of the little room back into the
recrimination of the church. He faltered a little and Antoine put his
hand under his elbow and led him towards the lobby, away from the altar.
At the door Antoine surprised him by grabbing him into a huge hug. He
stood stiffly, the enjoyment of being touched warring with his
unfamiliarity of having anyone but Dru touch him. Feeling uncomfortable
he blurted out, "You should lock your doors."  Antoine just looked at
him knowingly. "Well, at least let me protect this place against
vampires, I can get a spell."

Chuckling Antoine said, "Do you really think many vampires go to
churches?"

"I did once. Please, what if an old enemy wants to hurt me through you."

"Fine, for you. There can't be that many vampires with souls that I
could help running around. How did you come to get your soul back
anyway?

"Long story.  The short version is, Angel's girlfriend and her friends
were trying to restore his soul and they kind of overreached. "

"Exactly how many did they restore, how many are there?"

"Twenty-two right now, we lost two in the first week. Suicide."

"You won't...you promise?"

He stood staring at this person who seemed so invested in his future
already and smiled, "Not without telling you.  It's getting close to
morning, I'd better go. Good-bye."

He slipped out the door and ran to the car, turning he saw Antoine in
the doorway waving. Thinking of something that had been bothering him
since Antoine had finished his story he turned back, "Why was the demon
strong enough to possess those kids, I thought he was a weak demon?"

"Huh...oh, turns out we were living on a Hellmouth, all paranormal
activity is stronger there."

"There's a hellmouth here too?"

"Too? No, it wasn't here, I had the church moved here. I'm not quite
that stupid. Someone tells me I'm living on a Hellmouth I move. It was
in a town called Sunnydale. It's about two hours away from here. Avoid
it."

Laughing he had answered him, "I live there."

Getting into the car he savoured Antoines look of shock. Turning the car
on he headed for home. Feeling hopeful that he could accomplish
something good too, in a small way, make up for all of the bad.  And he
had done fairly well, although all Angel ever remembered were the few
slip-ups he had made.




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