ftp.xmission.com/2014.06.ftp.xmission.com.tar/ftp.xmission.com/pub/lists/buffyfic/archive/v02.n180

Internet Message Format | 1998-05-11 | 27KB

From: [e-mail] (buffyfic-digest)
To: [e-mail]
Subject: buffyfic-digest V2 #180
Reply-To: $SENDER
Sender: [e-mail]
Errors-To: [e-mail]
Precedence: bulk


buffyfic-digest         Tuesday, May 12 1998         Volume 02 : Number 180



In this issue:

       BUFFYFIC: VA -Step six- Acceptance, (2/7) by Andrea
       BUFFYFIC: "Future Imperfect" -- Chapter Six -- (1/1)
       BUFFYFIC: VA - Step six - Acceptance (3/7) by Andrea

See the end of the digest for information on (un)subscribing to the buffyfic
or buffyfic-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Mon, 11 May 1998 21:40:14 PDT
From: "Andrea Newbery" <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: VA -Step six- Acceptance, (2/7) by Andrea

Author: Andrea
Disclaimer: Spike, Angel, Buffy, Dru, and Willow aren't mine . They
belong to Joss Whedon, the WB and probably some other people. None of
them are me. Antoine, Mandy and Joseph are mine, or at least they belong
to the voice in my head.


He knelt there thinking, not strong enough, it was the story of his
life. He always chose the path of least resistance. No sense changing at
this late date.
He stretched up facing the window, letting the tears flow freely down
his cheeks as he waited for the sun's rays to enter through the stained
glass window. His mind registered then that it was a picture of the
resurrection.  Closing his eyes he tried to remember who he had been
when he was human.  Slowly relaxing into his death he was shocked to
hear a voice from the back of the room. " May I help you my child?"

He swung around realizing his game face was showing in his surprise. The
old man standing at the back of the church barely twitched an eyebrow. "
I overheard you, I apologize, but you sound as if you are in such pain."

He just stared at the man, wondering how anyone could stand so calmly
and look at his face.  And the old man looked perfectly calm, perfectly
at ease.  He felt an almost irresistible urge to lunge at him; the demon
didn't like someone without fear. He concentrated on calming down,
getting control of his face, but the man had already started down the
aisle towards him, " Your face is burned you should get some salve on
it. And your hands."  Reaching out the man took his hands and turning
them over ran his fingers softly over the burns on his palms, "Come with
me."

Gently guiding him, the man led him into a room off the side of the
altar. Sitting him in a chair then disappearing through another door.
He looked around at the room, at the comfortable chairs and the bookcase
crammed full with papers, magazines and books.  The shelves were full of
candles and statues. It was a gentle room, a lived in room.  He settled
deeper into the chair.  The man reappeared a few minutes later with some
dry rags and an aloe vera plant.  Breaking a stem off, the old man
rubbed the broken end over his burnt palms and forehead.  Then taking
the rags the man tied them over the burns on his palms.

"Don't you know what I am?" He was frozen by this man's gentleness and
the tears were threatening to fall again, "I am a monster...a
vampire...I kill."

"But not anymore right?" The man smiled softly at him, "You came here to
die..."

" I have a soul now."  He felt himself sinking into an almost
trance-like state, wanting to tell this man his story, wanting this man
to be his judge, "My name is Spike...William the bloody if you prefer."

"Spike, I am Antoine.  I am very pleased to meet you."  Antoine grinned
at him with such pleasure that he found himself helplessly smiling back.

"Why?"

"Because you are so sad and seem so alone.  I am alone too. And you seem
to want to change. Who can not be glad to meet someone who wants so
badly to change that they are willing to die."  Shrugging at him Antoine
stood and pulled back a book from the bookcase.  The bookcase slid away
revealing a door. Opening it and gesturing to him to follow him, " There
are no windows in here, you'll be safe until sunset. We can talk more
then...yes?"

"Yes."  He found himself helpless to do anything but agree with this
man.  Forgetting for the moment that he was supposed to be greeting the
sun he stepped into the room.  Cots were lined up in rows, about fifty
of them all covered in varying degrees of dust.  He looked to Antoine
puzzled, but Antoine only shook his head.  "Another day my child,
another day."  Slipping quietly through the door Antoine pulled it shut
behind him leaving Spike surrounded by darkness again.
He stood there for what felt like forever trying to process what had
just occurred. Finally deciding that he wasn't going to figure it out
before sunset he inched his way over to the nearest cot and lay down.
Curling up into a little ball he closed his eyes and succumbed.  His
mind was a jumble of images, of deaths he had caused.  He walked down a
street filled with his victims, still breathing.  They were all reaching
up to him, begging him to save them, asking why.  He ran from them in
his dream, his heart pounding, his breath ragged.  He jerked up, sweat
dripping from his face, a pounding in his ears.  He put his hand to his
chest, convinced it was his heart, but nothing.  He was what he was and
heartbeats and breathing weren't any part of it. The pounding continued
and he started to look around for the source, then faintly he heard,
"Are you okay?"

Antoine was back and finally showing a little common sense.  Smart of
him not to just burst into a vampires' boudoir.  He started to answer,
but was beaten to the punch by, "You have to open the door from the
inside, I forgot to turn the lock last night."  So maybe he wasn't
afraid.  He wasn't sure why that made him feel so hopeful.  Walking over
he pulled the door open and was greeted by the little man who was
carrying a jug of red liquid... blood.  Spike stepped back afraid it
would be human and the smell would be too much. The aroma drifted slowly
into his nostrils and he realized it was pig's blood.  Antoine held the
jug out to him smiling slightly, "Take it, you must be hungry."  Staring
at this man who seemed so accepting of what he was, he slowly took the
jug and drank from it.  He shuddered, but felt the demons' pull relax.
He realized Antoine was staring at him and in the same instant felt the
ridges.  How could this man just stand there while a vicious animal fed
on blood in his church?

"Why are you doing this?"

"Well, the pig was due to be slaughtered anyway, waste not want not."
Antoine grinned at him and calmly took the empty jug from his hands as
if he fed vampires every day. "Come, we'll talk now...yes?"

He followed him, Antoine's lack of fear rendering him speechless. Which
wasn't something he ever was. Antoine led him into the study and sat him
down.  "Can I get you anything...tea...do you...I'm afraid I'm not
familiar with what you can or want to eat. I'm sorry," Antoine face
turned a slight red.

Grinning, enjoying Antoine's  discomfort he answered, "Tea is okay.  I_
am_ English you know."

"I had gathered that," Antoine said. Offended that he would even think
he didn't know. "I am fairly familiar with most 'human' origins."

Ahh... score one for you."  He smiled then asked the question burning in
his throat, " I want to tell you my story. Will you listen?"

"Of course," Antoine said folding himself into a chair and staring at
him with total attention, " I would."

Swallowing, he hesitated not knowing were to start or if he was willing
to lose this man's acceptance.  He was surprised to find his stomach
full of butterflies, how long since that had happened to him.  He licked
his lips trying to figure out where to start...how to start. "Well, I'm
a...vampire, you know that.  And I am a killer, but not recently.  I..
um...well, my soul was restored so I have a conscience and I can't kill.
But I remember all the killing."  He stopped, trying to gather his
thoughts, "I was a ruthless killer who felt no remorse, I enjoyed it but
..."

"But you don't feel that way anymore,"  Antoine posed the question in
soft tones, "You don't want to kill?"

"No...Yes!  I have a demon inside me screaming for me to kill. He wants
me to kill you...here...now." Swallowing his panic, "I won't, I can
control it. I won't be a killer again...I can't."

"The demon is still inside you?" Antoine looked confused, "But you said
your soul was restored?"

"Yah. Right. Confusing stuff.  I was made a vampire over a century ago.
I lost my soul then, the demon took over my body, my
thoughts...everything." Stopping, finding the tears near again, "I don't
know where I was...where my soul was.  I just know I became aware again
a few weeks ago.  I only realized what I had been doing then."

"So, your soul is sharing the body with the demon?"

"Yes."

"And you had no knowledge of what had been happening when you were
not.... there?" Antoine was leaning forward in his chair now.

He tensed, a familiar sense of dread washing over him," No, but that
does not erase what I did!" He was expecting the same old not - your -
fault spiel to come next. He didn't think he could handle this man
dismissing what he had done so easily. He waited.

"I had a niece who I loved very much," Antoine said closing his eyes as
a wave of pain rolled over his face. "She was a beautiful child, full of
love."

"That's nice," he said faintly, confused, absently rubbing the rags that
covered his burns. " Do you see her often?"

"I killed her."


______________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 12 May 1998 07:08:17 EDT
From: KylenRevik <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: "Future Imperfect" -- Chapter Six -- (1/1)

This is chapter six of thirteen. All comments, please, to [e-mail].
The same with any questions or requests for missing pieces. Chapter six is one
post long. See the prologue for disclaimers and notes.

~

                     "Part Six: Confession"

Place: Harris/Chase Residence.
Time: November 24, 2002. 1:00 p.m.

     "Cordelia?"
     There were a few silent seconds, and Buffy wondered if she
might have caught her friend out of the house. She hoped not. She
had to talk to _someone_ before tonight.
     But then the door opened, and Cordelia was standing there.
"Buffy!" she exclaimed. "Come on in, what's up?"
     Buffy swallowed, then walked past her and into the living room
of Xander and Cordelia's apartment. She took a few steps into the
room before turning to face her friend. "Cordie...I need to talk to
somebody. And I know we don't have serious discussions, really,
but..."
     Concern flooded Cordelia's expression. "What's up?"
     "Well," Buffy said, suddenly realizing how much more difficult
it was going to be to say this aloud than she had thought it would
be, "first you have to promise you won't say anything about this to
anyone. At all."
     Cordelia nodded. "Okay. But what--"
     "Tonight," Buffy broke in, "I'm going to Sunnydale Cemetery.
To...meet Angelus."
     "You're  _what_?!" Cordelia exclaimed. "Buffy! The last time
you fought him he nearly--"
     "I'm not going to fight him, I'm going to bring him back."
Buffy suddenly felt tears pricking the corners of her eyes as
memories began to flood back. "Cordelia, I can't talk to anyone
else about this because Xander or Willow or Giles wouldn't
understand how important this was, they wouldn't see that I don't
have any choice in this."
     "But what if--"
     Ignoring Cordelia's words, Buffy continued speaking, though
her voice grew softer and softer as she went on. "It's been four
years," she said, "and I can't do this anymore."
     "But--"
     "I found a spell in one of Giles' books," she said, and
Cordelia finally fell silent, probably realizing that Buffy wasn't
going to allow herself to be interrupted until she had everything
out. "It involves a candle I bought earlier this week, and
it...creates a sort of guiding light, for his soul to get back to
his body." She paused a moment. "The book says that if I can
resummon the soul, show it where to go, it will be able to force
the demon out." She shook her head. "I don't completely understand
it, but I have to try." She looked at Cordelia, and a tear trickled
down her cheek. "You understand, right? I have to try."
     Cordelia looked at her for a long few seconds, and briefly,
Buffy was worried that the other woman might break the promise of
secrecy she had made. "I...don't know." Cordelia shook her head. "I
mean...Buffy, for god's sake, you have to be careful. I mean, you
aren't going to just go in there with a candle, right?"
     "No," Buffy said quickly. "I'll take some stakes with me. But
I have to be able to get close enough to him for the soul to bridge
the gap, and--"
     Cordelia nodded. "Okay then," she said.
     Buffy watched her friend agree, so quickly, and wondered if
perhaps Cordelia wasn't taking this to be as serious as it was. On
the other hand, if that were the case, perhaps it was for the best-
- - this way, Cordelia wouldn't go off running to tell anyone,
because she wouldn't think there was any real danger. "And you're
not going to say a word to anyone, right?"
     "Right," Cordelia replied.
     "Because I know we don't talk about things like this too
often, and I just wanted to make sure...Cordelia, if you tell
anyone about this--"
     "I won't!" Cordelia objected. "God, Buffy, you know, sometimes
you treat me like I'm still the shallow, spoiled kid I was three
years ago!"
     Buffy had to smile at that, though she knew Cordelia didn't
mean it in a joking manner. "Okay. I believe you." She paused for
a moment. "Cordelia...one other thing."
     "Yeah?"
     "If anything...if anything happens to me..." She swallowed,
doing her best to pretend she wasn't really concerned about the
possibility of something happening to her. It was a hard fight, but
she was reasonably sure she was winning it. "I want his ashes on my
grave." She paused a moment. "I'm going to try to find him near the
big monument in the west end of the cemetery. So if anything
happens, that's where you should look first."
     Cordelia looked confused for a moment, then she nodded.
"Okay," she said. "But...nothing's going to happen to you, right?"
     "Right," Buffy replied. "Nothing should go wrong, and nothing
will. So I just wanted that as, you know, a backup plan."
     Cordelia nodded. "Can do," she replied with a smile.
     Buffy forced a grin, hoping it looked halfway sincere, and
gave Cordelia a quick hug. "Thanks," she said. "I knew I could
count on you." Without waiting for her friend to reply, she moved
toward the door. "There're a few things I need to take care of
before tonight, okay?"
     Cordelia nodded. "Sure. See you tomorrow, then. You and Angel,
both."
     Buffy grinned and nodded. "Yeah." She couldn't believe how
amazing it felt, to say that and be able to feel even a little that
it might be true, and in twenty-four hours' time she would actually
be with him again. Dangerous thoughts, she told herself, because if
it didn't work then she was just setting herself up for a fall. It
didn't keep her from hoping. And this was the first time she'd
honestly thought she had a chance of bringing him back since before
Miss Calendar had died.
     She and Cordelia said their goodbyes quickly, and Buffy left
the apartment, wondering what Giles and Willow and Xander would say
when they found out. She smiled inwardly. She could only imagine
their expressions when she turned up the next night with Angel's
arms around her.
     That thought brought up the oft-remembered last night they had
spent together. It was amazing, Buffy thought, that even after four
years...she could still remember everything about him. Everything
about that night. Unfortunately, she could also remember the last
four years, all in amazingly stark detail. She sighed. Too much
pain, and too many memories.
     She glanced at her watch. It would all be over soon enough.
Soon enough. She had only a few more steps to take-- getting
together her stakes, reading the directions for the spell a few
more times...she hoped Giles hadn't realized that she had
accidentally ripped an extra page from the book. She had been
looking for it ever since she had gone back the next day, and seen
that it wasn't anywhere in the room, but she hadn't been able to
figure out where it _was_. Oh well. At least she hadn't lost the
vital stuff, all the intricate directions regarding how to use the
candle to summon Angel's soul back to its body. Because she still
needed to memorize those. Not that she was afraid of her
capabilities in that department, because she still had until
darkness fell to fix the lines in her mind.
     So, she thought as she started her car and pulled away from
the curb, from this point until later tonight, all she really had
to do was go home, get her stakes, memorize the lines, and wait.
     It was so close, she could feel it-- the end of everything
that had been tormenting her these past four years. Because she'd
truly had enough. But after tonight...no more. Angelus would be
dead and gone, she'd have her Angel back.
     Either that, or she'd die trying.

~

All comments/questions to [e-mail], please.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 12 May 1998 06:49:42 PDT
From: "Andrea Newbery" <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: VA - Step six - Acceptance (3/7) by Andrea

Disclaimer in part one (and two)



"Oh."  He started to fidget in his seat.  His forehead was getting itchy
as it healed and he didn't know what to do with Antoine's words.  He was
having a hard enough time dealing with his own guilt, he couldn't help
Antoine.

"Don't you want to ask any questions?"  Antoine didn't seem to be
particularly upset, "It's been a long time since her death, I want to
tell you about it."

"Sure." He owed this man for the shelter he would listen for a while,
until sunrise. Then he would finish what he had set out to do.

"I think it will help you."  Antoine looked at him with such a wise
expression; he was reminded of long ago and how his father always seemed
to know what he was thinking. "She was ten, my Mandy, when she died. Her
parents had been killed three years earlier.  She had lived with me
since then.  She was such a shining light, so full of all that is good,
everything in my life was for her."

Antoine leaned back in his chair the words coming from his mouth in a
hazy voice as he visited his memories; " Mandy was always a bright
child, always ahead of others her own age.  She was almost eerily aware
of the world around her, from birth practically. I remember her eyes
following me around the room when she was only two weeks old.  Such a
beautiful baby."  Smiling to himself Antoine's recollections trickled to
a standstill.

"Was she psychic?  My girlfriend has premonitions."

"Psychic?  You have a girlfriend?  Is she a.... vampire? Of course, she
must be, right?" Antoine spoke quickly trying to cover his lapse into
silence, then,  "She was my shadow. We were such a team. I need you to
understand how much I loved her.  Still love her."

"I do."  He actually could feel the love emanating from him when he
spoke of her.  A child, he would never have any children. Another thing
lost.

" I didn't take her seriously when she first spoke of the voices.  She
was forever imagining spirits and ghosts. At the time I was very strict
in my beliefs and what she said didn't fit into it. Spirits and ghosts
and vampires were not real. Do you see?  If I had believed then maybe I
would have saved her. Maybe not though, maybe not. Anyway I was sitting
on the porch at our house on a lazy august evening. The sun was just
beginning to set and the breeze was strong enough to keep the flies
away.  I remember how serious her face was as she sat at my feet. After
sitting quietly for a few minutes she turned to me. That innocent voice
saying my name 'Uncle, I need your help'.   I, of course, promised I
would. The first time I ever lied to her, even if I didn't know it at
the time.  She told me of the words in her head that she hadn't thought.
Of people she saw that no one else could.  She told me that he wanted
her.  That he wanted as many bodies as she could gather.  But she said
it in such old English, the speaking pattern was nothing like her own.
Maybe she didn't even understand what she was saying.  I ignored that
though, told her it was just her imagination. That she was so smart that
her brain wasn't being challenged enough and gave her some extra math
problems to work out." Antoine put his face in his hands then grimaced,
"Funny, one choice and your life swings off, are you ever amazed at what
happens because of one choice?"

"Sure...yes...died... became a demon...bad choice."  He kept picturing a
child with Dru's dark hair and eyes."What happened to Mandy?"

"She did her math. I sat on the porch," Antoine voice caught on the last
word. Taking a shaky breath he began again, "Sorry, I guess it still
hurts. Anyway things were fine for a while.  But she seemed to be
playing by herself more and more.  I would hear her in her room talking
to herself.  She seemed to be tired all of the time, the bags under her
eyes took up half her face.  I took her to doctors and specialists, but
they could find nothing wrong.  I soon began to notice that she wasn't
the only one with this problem.  Many of her friends were also sickly.
Can you believe I found that reassuring?  Thought it was a problem with
a food source or the water. Fixable at any rate."

"Was it LSD in the water?  I felt the effects of LSD once.  I probably
would have believed there were ghosts," he was intrigued by the little
girl he would never meet, but was so loved by this man, " Sorry
continue."

"Not LSD no. Not anything.  They tested everything possible, there was
no chemical cause they could find for it.  The children just kept
getting sicker. And Mandy started to change.  Her personality changed.
She became cold.  She seemed to enjoy others pain and suffering.  I
remember one night I came home to find her watching the news, a mother
pleading for whoever had kidnapped her child to please bring him back.
She had such a look of joy on her face.  It frightened me.  When she saw
me, nothing changed, she just kept smiling.  I realized then that
whatever was happening to her wasn't going to go away anytime soon.  The
next morning I tried to talk to her.  She sat there blankly looking at
me; there was no recognition in her eyes. I sent her off to school with
a hug.  She glanced at me before she left and for a second I could see
my niece in her eyes.  It faded quickly, but it had already given me
hope."  Antoine stopped, stood up, "Would you like some more tea?"

"What...oh. Sure."  Immersed in thoughts of the girl he stuttered trying
to answer, "Demonic possession?" But Antoine had already disappeared
into the kitchen.  Returning five minutes later carrying a fresh pot of
tea.  Sitting down Antoine fiddled with the tea bag, slowly preparing
the cups.  He watched itching for him to continue his tale.

"Keep in mind that nothing that happened was her fault," Antoine spoke
passionately for the first time, " She was a good child until the end."

Nodding his head, he knew Antoine was heading into the heart of his
tale.  He was dreading, yet anticipating what would come next.  Antoine
leaned forward in his chair cupping his tea with both hands as if trying
to capture its heat.  Taking a deep breath he began again, "Small
animals began to disappear, pets.  I found their bones in small piles in
the woods behind our house.  They were perfectly clean as if they had
lain there for centuries but they hadn't been there three days earlier.
Perfectly. How was that possible?  Mandy held the answer.  I knew that
with my heart and in the pit of my stomach.  I just couldn't accept it.
Then the first person vanished.  I didn't go into the woods for weeks
after that. I couldn't face what I knew I would find. Another person
disappeared.  Can you understand?  I knew she was doing it, was
involved, but I didn't know how or why.  My angel was a murderer. What?
Why did you make such a face?"

"Sorry...Angel... bad word association," gesturing for him to continue
he relaxed his expression.

"Why?  No...nevermind you can tell me later.  I want to finish this.
Where was I?  Right, I began to get calls from the other children's
parents.  The other children were getting worse much faster than Mandy.
The parents were afraid of their children.  They thought they were
possessed and  since I was a priest that I could perform an exorcism."

"You're not a priest now?"

"No, please...let me finish.  They believed the devil was in control of
our children.  I didn't believe in the devil, but I was starting to
believe that there must be some spirit or demon at work.  My Mandy
wasn't capable of the things she was doing, yet she was doing them.  And
the hate shining in her eyes.  I contacted a friend, a fellow priest,
who believed strongly in the devil and he sent me the information on
exorcism. I decided I would do it to Mandy first.  I performed the
ritual two weeks later, but it did nothing.  She didn't react to any of
it, not the prayers or the crosses or holy water..."

"Lucky."


______________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com

------------------------------

End of buffyfic-digest V2 #180
******************************

To subscribe to buffyfic or buffyfic-digest, send the command

    subscribe buffyfic-digest

    or

    subscribe buffy

to [e-mail].  You will need to go through a
confirmation process, and the listowners have to manually
approve your subscription request, so it may take some time.

To unsubscribe, send email to [e-mail] with

     unsubscribe buffyfic-digest

     or

     unsubscribe buffyfic

in the body.

Back issues of this digest can be found at:

    ftp://ftp.xmission.com/pub/lists/buffyfic/archive/

Dalton Spence has also provided an index of the buffyfic archive at:

    http://www.hwcn.org/~ag775/BUFFYFIC.HTM

For help, contact Jill Kirby ([e-mail]) or sah ([e-mail])