ftp.xmission.com

home *** CD-ROM | disk | FTP | other *** search

/ ftp.xmission.com / 2014.06.ftp.xmission.com.tar / ftp.xmission.com / pub / lists / buffyfic / archive / v02.n177 < prev next >

Wrap

Internet Message Format | 1998-05-10 | 26KB

From: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com (buffyfic-digest) To: buffyfic-digest@lists.xmission.com Subject: buffyfic-digest V2 #177 Reply-To: $SENDER Sender: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com Errors-To: owner-buffyfic@lists.xmission.com Precedence: bulk buffyfic-digest Monday, May 11 1998 Volume 02 : Number 177 In this issue: BUFFYFIC: Full of Grace (2/4) BUFFYFIC: Full of Grace (3/4) BUFFYFIC: Full of Grace (4/4) BUFFYFIC: Tear In My Hand See the end of the digest for information on (un)subscribing to the buffyfic or buffyfic-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 11 May 1998 07:50:00 -0700 From: Elizabeth Ann Lewis <lizbet@primenet.com> Subject: BUFFYFIC: Full of Grace (2/4) **It's better this way **I say **Haven't seen this place before **Where everything we say and do **Hurts us all the more... A path of light seeped out from Willow's upstairs bedroom, spilling across the grass. The home had been barred to him, but that hardly mattered. Angel leaned against a tree in the front yard and worked on his courage again. He had no intention of going in there. What he needed to say could be said through an open door. "What the hell are you doing here?" a furious voice demanded. Angel turned to see Xander advancing on him, fists clenched and jaw leading the way. Spreading his hands to show that they were empty, Angel shrugged. "I'm leaving, don't worry." "Stay away from her. Stay away from Buffy. You've hurt them enough." His hands dropped limply against his sides. "I know. I know exactly what I've done." Tired, he rested his head against the tree behind him, closing his eyes. He opened them to find Xander staring at him, fury beginning to be replaced by confusion. "It was easier when I was the bad guy, wasn't it? Really simple. Sorry. Nothing's that simple any more." Shrugging away from the tree, he started to walk away. Xander caught his arm as he went by. "You *hurt* her," he burst out. "Both of them. How could you *do* that?" Bewildered anger shaded his voice. Of all of them, only Xander had ever seemed to understand that the demon had always been a part of him. The others -- even Giles, once he was accustomed to the presence of a vampire in his inner circle -- seemed to see the soul and the vampire as interchangeable parts. Why had Xander been the one to always be aware of the demon? Even then, they'd fought side by side. They'd locked horns equally with each other and whoever was attacking Buffy at that moment. Xander's grudge against him had never interfered with their ability to fight together. "I did it because I wanted to," Angel said finally. It was the only answer he had. Of all of them, Xander was the only one he had never struck directly against. It hadn't been needed. He had known that Xander would suffer more by having those he loved suffer. The quiet answer seemed to enrage the teenaged boy. Without another word, he hauled off and hit Angel. Staggering back, Angel was off-balance. He fell to his knees with the next punch, fighting against fighting back. He let Xander pummel him for as long as the demon would stand, and then caught the boy's fist in his hand. Xander tugged against Angel's hold futilely, maddened by the fact that he had only been able to beat him up because Angel allowed it. Angel pulled himself to his feet, still holding Xander's fist. Knowing the uselessness of speaking, he still tried. "You can't protect them. You'll never be able to protect them enough. Either of them. All of them. They are going to get hurt. And you get to watch." He took a deep breath, wincing at the slash of pain in his ribs. Xander wrenched his hand away and backed up several feet. "You son of a bitch," he said, but with little heat. "Yeah. That's what I am. I tried. Xander, believe me... I tried. I should have left before any of this happened. But I didn't." Xander squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. "I don't understand it," he said finally, sounding both much too young and much too old at the same time. "Any of it." "You're better off this way. Just... keep an eye on her." "I thought you said I couldn't protect her," Xander asked. The slight flinch of the vampire's eyelids was the only indication of a direct hit. "It never stopped me from trying." Xander opened his mouth to say something... and sat there, speechless in understanding. Before he could think of any answer to give, Angel had left him alone. **It's just that we stay too long **In the same old sickly skin It was several long moments before there was any movement in the bedroom in response to Angel's gentle tap. He'd begun to wonder if Willow had not heard or was ignoring it when the balcony door opened. They both started back slightly when their eyes met. Willow recovered first, stepping back to lift her hand and start to invite him in. But her hand froze in mid-air and she closed her mouth, looking up at him anxiously, memories of pain and fear paralyzing her. Angel shook his head, taking a step back away from the light from the windows. "I shouldn't come in. I just wanted to stop by and see... how you were." Willow nodded, a bit hesitantly. "I'm okay. I mean, after that last night and all, but... I'm okay. And... you? Are you okay?" Willow's voice was breathless, and her hands twisted in the hem of her t-shirt, but her eyes were large and steady on his, and wouldn't let him lie. "No. I'm not." Nodding, Willow bit her lip. "I guess it's silly to think that you'd be okay. But you will, right? I mean, you got okay last time this happened and..." "Willow." "What?" Her hands still twisted nervously and she kept her eyes fixed on him as if when she looked away he would be gone. "I came here tonight to say good-bye." "Good-bye?" Willow blinked. "For how long?" When Angel didn't answer, she blinked again, harder. "Good-bye? Like, that's it? You're leaving? For good?" "It's for the best." "No, it's not!" Impatiently, Willow backhanded the tears slipping down her cheeks and took a step forward again. "You can't say that! You can't believe that! After everything that's happened, how can you just go, 'It's for the best', huh? Why does it have to be for the best?" Behind her, light shone through a fish tank, drained of water and with an artful rock garden arranged in it. "Because I killed your friend, your teacher." It was incredibly hard to face those damp, pleading eyes, but Angel kept his on Willow's. "Because I nearly snapped your neck and would have used your death for no other reason than to make Buffy suffer." "But that wasn't you," Willow denied immediately. "Yes, it was." Willow opened her mouth a few times, trying to speak. Finally, almost inaudibly, she whispered, "It was?" "I'm sorry." Angel hated how useless those words were, but he had nothing else to say. "I wish that I could make it so that it had never happened. I can't." Willow swallowed. "So you're leaving? Is that how you're going to make it like it never happened?" "It's the only thing I can do." When Willow didn't speak again, just stared at him with her big eyes, Angel finally turned to leave. "Angel?" Without turning back to her, Angel stopped. "Don't go." That made him turn back. Willow had stepped fully from the shelter of her house, clinging lightly to the door frame. Slowly, he smiled, one corner of his mouth turning up. "Thank you," he whispered. And left. *** Buffy Fanzines Premiering at Mediawest '98: * An Alternate Viewpoint http://members.tripod.com/~natmerc/avzine.html * * Sunnydale Slayers http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mwynn/zine.html Lizbet -- lizbet@primenet.com ~ Lizbetann@aol.com "Carpe Speedo?" -- "<*thud*>" -- Kiki and Celli "The hell with it. You can all read Typo." -- Perri "Only you could make fandom sound like a carnal experience. And a violent one at that." -- Chris ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 11 May 1998 07:50:42 -0700 From: Elizabeth Ann Lewis <lizbet@primenet.com> Subject: BUFFYFIC: Full of Grace (3/4) **Pulled down by the undertow **Never thought I could feel so alone **Oh, darkness; I feel like letting go. Buffy wasn't at her house. She wasn't at the Bronze. She wasn't skulking around the graveyard, looking to kick some demonic ass. She wasn't at the school. Every hour that went by that he couldn't find her made his resolve slip, made it harder. He wanted -- needed -- to get this done this night. If he didn't, he doubted he could ever go. Down by the playground he spotted a familiar red car. Wryly, he shrugged. He'd spoken or intended to speak to everyone else who had been with him the night he had his soul restored. Might as well be thorough about the matter. Cordelia sat on one of the swings, her dark head tilted against the chain, idly staring up at the stars. She was completely oblivious to his presence until he scuffed his feet in the sand lining the playground. At the slight noise, she jumped, nearly losing her perch on the narrow seat. When she saw who it was, she nearly strangled herself on the chain in an attempt to get away. "Uh... uh... demon begone!" she intoned, holding her fingers up in a cross. "Cordelia, I'm not going to hurt you. Remember? The spell?" Slowly, Cordelia lowered her hands, still looking suspicious. "Yeah, but what if it didn't work?" "It worked. Believe me." "Oh." Relaxed, she sat down on the warped, rusted merry-go-round. "Good." He claimed her vacated seat on the swing, rocking slightly, letting the chains squeak. "You shouldn't be out alone at night." Cordelia shrugged, picking a one of the faded remnants of paint left on the carousel. "I guess... this was a place that I was safe when I was a kid. It never occurred to me that it would be anything else but safe." Angel shook his head. How many times was she going to nearly die before she realized that she was in danger. "You need to be more careful." "Careful," Cordelia said scornfully. "What good is careful? Would careful have saved Kevin? Would it have saved Miss Calendar? You don't think about being careful until you don't think you are safe anymore. "So be careful now." "Why? I mean, it's over, right? You're... back, the bad guys got blown away. The movie's over, and I'm going home." "As long as you're around Buffy-- " "Well, I don't intend to be around Buffy," Cordelia cut in. "So I guess that solves that little tricky problem. I'm going to get as far away as fast as I can from Buffy and her little freak show." Pushing off from the sandy ground, Cordelia pulled her legs into the merry-go-round. Wobbling drunkenly, it carried her around and around, so that Angel could only catch glimpses of the top of her head, bowed over her bent knees, on each revolution. The carousel drifted to a stop, leaving Cordelia in profile. She had her arms wrapped around her knees and was holding on for dear life. It would have been kinder to get up and leave her alone. But he hardly had been kind that night. "Do you think it will be that easy? Do you think that you could leave them? And if you did, that you could forget?" Cordelia lifted her head slightly, but didn't turn toward him, staring blankly out into space. "You can't go back to when you didn't know. You can't forget what has happened. You can leave, physically at least, avoid them, pretend." She still didn't react. Sighing and cursing his meddlesome helpful urge, Angel rose to his feet. "No matter what, you're always a part of them." He stood there long enough to see the sheen of tears on Cordelia's cheeks before turning for his apartment. "Hey, Angel," she called after him. He paused without looking back. "Ever listen to your own advice?" *** Buffy Fanzines Premiering at Mediawest '98: * An Alternate Viewpoint http://members.tripod.com/~natmerc/avzine.html * * Sunnydale Slayers http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mwynn/zine.html Lizbet -- lizbet@primenet.com ~ Lizbetann@aol.com "Carpe Speedo?" -- "<*thud*>" -- Kiki and Celli "The hell with it. You can all read Typo." -- Perri "Only you could make fandom sound like a carnal experience. And a violent one at that." -- Chris ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 11 May 1998 07:51:45 -0700 From: Elizabeth Ann Lewis <lizbet@primenet.com> Subject: BUFFYFIC: Full of Grace (4/4) **If all of the strength **All of the courage **Come and lift me from this place **I know I can love you much better than this **Full of grace. It didn't take much to pack up a life. There wasn't much he needed. Objects retained memories, and those were what he was trying to leave behind. The tangible evidence of his life was packed into one duffel bag. The rest... he was resigned to carry it, whether he wanted to or not. She was waiting for him when he opened the door to his apartment. Her hair was skimmed tightly back from her face and her eyes were large and stern in her face. For several moments they simply faced each other, staring. Angel wondered if somehow they couldn't just get through this without saying a word. They both knew what the other was thinking. Words couldn't heal the scars, fix what was broken. All words could do was open new wounds. "I heard you were looking for me." Buffy broke the silence without moving. Her stance was deceptively casual, hands in the back pockets of her tight black pants, head tilted back and to one side. Angel knew better. She'd set herself up as the bait to lure him into the spell that had restored him with the same careless grace. Her eyes never left his face, not even to flick over to the duffel bag he carried. "Who told you?" "Who didn't?" Buffy countered. "So. You're leaving?" "I have to. I can't... I can't stay here." His hand tightened convulsively on the bag he carried, searching for control again. "If I stay here, no one will ever forget. They'd see me and remember. I won't do that to them." Buffy didn't react for several moments. Then she swallowed and gave a short, tight nod. "I understand." Still, she didn't move. The girl who had once kissed him farewell with aching tenderness and then, unable and unwilling to admit that any goodbye could be forever, whispered, "See you around?" didn't exist any more. She believed in forever now, and knew how lonely it was. Angel couldn't stand still and stare at her any more. In another moment, he would never be able to leave. Without another word, he brushed past her to go up the steps. "I'm sorry." For a moment he thought the words were his. He'd promised himself he wouldn't say them, not to her. Those two words were so obscenely inadequate. But the voice had been hers. He turned back to face her. Her back was to him now, her head bent as she stared at her hands. Slowly, his duffel bag slipped from his grasp and thumped gently to the concrete floor. "What did you say?" "I'm sorry for what I did to you." She didn't raise her head or look at him. "I was... stupid. Selfish. Careless." The world was tilting under his feet, making him dizzy and sick. "I killed your friends. I tortured you and everyone you loved. And you are apologizing to *me*?" "It's my fault." Buffy finally turned and looked at him. Tears streaked down her cheeks, but her eyes were steady and determined. "I wanted... everything. You warned me, but I wouldn't listen. And I destroyed you and everyone around me because I was blind and greedy and--" The poise was cracking, and she closed her eyes tightly. "I'm sorry," she whispered again. "Don't say that!" Startled by the venom in Angel's voice, Buffy opened her eyes and stepped back. Angel stalked her that one step, moving forward with his clenched hands holding tightly onto his control. "I hated you. Do you understand that? I was sick with it. Do you want to know why?" He didn't bother waiting for her answer. "Because I still loved you. Every moment. You made me feel, and I hated you for that. I wanted you to suffer as much as I was suffering." Buffy flinched and turned her head aside. "I know." He recoiled as though she had struck him. "And you did." She nodded slowly, still not looking at him. "Yeah. I did." "I wish..." His voice broke and he paused a moment for starting again. "I was torn in two. I remember the half of me that wanted to destroy you. I wish I remembered the part that wanted to protect you as clearly. It -- I -- must have watched you, tried to protect you, all those months. But I don't remember," he ended on a whisper. After a moment, he clenched his jaw. "Why don't you hate me?" he demanded. At that, she looked up again. "I do." He absorbed the blow without a word. After a moment, he had collected himself to speak. "I knew... I knew from the beginning I would hurt you. If I had known how much..." Disgusted with himself, Angel rubbed his eyes with his fists. "Who am I kidding? I couldn't have left you alone. I tried." "I didn't want you to," Buffy said softly. There didn't seem to be anything left to say. After a moment, Buffy reached into her pocket, fumbling slightly. The silver claddaugh ring caught a beam of light and flashed brightly for one moment. Then it turned in her fingers and gleamed dully in the dim light. **I know I can love you much better than this. She held up her hand, the silver ring cradled in her palm. Their eyes met and held. Slowly, he closed his hand over hers, feeling the ring press between their skin, an endless circle, never beginning, never ending. When he slid his hand away, the ring was in his own hand. He closed his fist over it tightly, feeling the edges bite into his skin. Loyalty, friendship and love. Each one he had betrayed. Closing his eyes, he turned and walked away without a word. **It's better this way. The End Buffy Fanzines Premiering at Mediawest '98: * An Alternate Viewpoint http://members.tripod.com/~natmerc/avzine.html * * Sunnydale Slayers http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mwynn/zine.html Lizbet -- lizbet@primenet.com ~ Lizbetann@aol.com "Carpe Speedo?" -- "<*thud*>" -- Kiki and Celli "The hell with it. You can all read Typo." -- Perri "Only you could make fandom sound like a carnal experience. And a violent one at that." -- Chris ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 11 May 1998 11:06:53 -0700 From: "Erika R" <sasheer@mailexcite.com> Subject: BUFFYFIC: Tear In My Hand Tear In My Hand AUTHOR'S NOTE: This takes place sometime after the kids have graduated. For some odd reason I felt the need to write something like this. I wasn't exactly sure who it was going to be until I typed her name below. Always love feedback! Lots of it 8) DISCLAIMER: The characters seen on the show BtVS belong to Joss "is a genius" Whedon. I mean no infringement. The title of this piece is taken off Tori Amos, Little Earthquakes album. The musical quote is by Velvet Chain and is lifted off their album 'Warm' "A love came like a hurricane Then left it's devastation." -Velvet Chain She awoke to the unusual feel of his embrace. As the sun slowly rose from it's sleep, her own eyes widened in horror at the memory of last night. Dear God, what had they done? There had been the announcement. Then there had been a party. And then there had been drinking. Bringing her hand to her mouth Willow shook her head, "Oh God." She breathed, "No." Looking over at the sleeping boy, he looked so peaceful. So full of hope, so full of promises for tomorrow. One night of unforgettable passion and she, the one they had all trusted, had killed that hope and promise for him. Willow remembered all the thoughts she had, had when him and Cordelia announced their engagement. Xander would never be hers now. She had grown to accept that and had even moved on to other boys. Oh God, Oz. Tears formed in Willow's eyes. He will be so devastated and hurt. She could already see his reaction in her mind. His light hazel eyes turning dark as the realization hit them, then they would lower and he would nod saying he understood. Xander groaned as the sun hit him in the face forcing him to turn away from the window. "Cordy?" he mumbled. Willow closed her eyes and then opened them. Cordy? She had betrayed her. Cordelia had come to love and care for Willow, treating her as an equal after all the years of treating her like dirt. A small part of Willow's conscious mumbled, 'That's what she deserves.' No. Cordelia didn't deserve to be hurt like this. Not by her best friend and fiance. She didn't deserve this. Xander groaned again. Willow knew he would be alert soon and everything would come back to him. Then they would have to decide how to . . . Willow wiped the tears that had fallen, angrily. Dammit. How could they have been so stupid? Reaching over she shook his shoulder, noticing it's firmness, "Xander." "mmmm?" He rolled back over facing her as his eyes opened. Blinking he took in her face and his eyebrows lowered, "Willow? What are. . .?" Then it all came back to him. She watched as his eyes widened in the same horror hers had. He remembered telling the gang that him and Cordelia. . .oh god it hurt just to even think about her. . .were engaged to be married. He remembered Willow's sad look and her looking away with tears in her eyes as she whispered her 'Congratulations' Then they had gone to that party at a College friends. Xander had watched as Willow drank more then her usual sip. He was just trying to walk her home safely when she had tripped. He caught her then just held her. His arms around her, comforting her. She had looked up at him with those eyes he had come to love and trust so many years ago, then he had lowered his mouth to hers. The kiss only lasted a few seconds but had changed everything. A few minutes later Willow had unlocked the door to hers and Buffy's apartment and led him to her room. No words were spoken. "Willow?" He sat up, his back now to her. "Xander." She whispered his name again, the tears once again found a way down her cheeks. He wanted to turn to her, to take her in his arms. to hold her. But he couldn't. "No." he ripped the covers off as he jumped out of bed and threw on his clothes. "Xander? What are you doing?" He turned to her and she gasped. His eyes were black, full of anger and hate. But as they took in her look of fear on her face they softened. "Will. . .I. . ." he reached out a hand and touched her face gently. She nodded, understanding. He regretted what they had done but he was sorry for regretting it. He weakly smiled then turned to leave. "Xander? What are you doing here?" Buffy questioned as he walked past her sitting on the couch. "I, uh, um Willow got sick last night and I ended up crashing here. See ya later." With that he slammed out the door. Buffy stood up and walked to Willow's doorway, "Willow you okay?" Willow looked up at her friend, the tears not wanting to stop. "Oh god, Will, what's wrong? What happened?" Buffy rushed to her side taking the small red-head into her arms. "Buffy. We've destroyed the people we love." * * * Oz left town a few days after I told him. He reacted exactly the way I had predicted. He told me he loved me and always would but that he couldn't stand to be second in my heart. Cordelia came to me a few days later. I let her in the empty apartment and we sat on the couch together. Her face was hard but I could see the pain in her eyes. She looked up at me and lowered her eyebrows, "Willow. . .I. . " her voice cracked which seemed to make her even more angry. I didn't know what to say, so I just waited. Cordelia stood up, looking down on me, "I was supposed to come here today to ask you to be my maid of honor." I looked away, tears were finding a way down my face again. "But instead I am telling you how. . .you. How could you? I would have expected something like this from Harmony and her friends. . or. . .or even from Buffy," She swung her arm towards Buffy's room. "But from. . .you. You, Willow! Xander tells me not to blame you. But we both know you are more of a blame then he is." I nodded. "Well Willow, I can forgive but I can't forget. And I will never forget how you were the one person I had come to trust. You were the one person I thought was my true friend." Cordelia picked up her purse and opened the door to leave. "Willow, you were my only friend." I watched her face soften as she turned to leave. There may be demons and Vampires in this town but there are worse things then that. Friends. ***End*** Free web-based email, Forever, From anywhere! http://www.mailexcite.com ------------------------------ End of buffyfic-digest V2 #177 ****************************** To subscribe to buffyfic or buffyfic-digest, send the command subscribe buffyfic-digest or subscribe buffy to majordomo@xmission.com. You will need to go through a confirmation process, and the listowners have to manually approve your subscription request, so it may take some time. To unsubscribe, send email to majordomo@xmission.com with unsubscribe buffyfic-digest or unsubscribe buffyfic in the body. Back issues of this digest can be found at: ftp://ftp.xmission.com/pub/lists/buffyfic/archive/ Dalton Spence has also provided an index of the buffyfic archive at: http://www.hwcn.org/~ag775/BUFFYFIC.HTM For help, contact Jill Kirby (jtkirby@mcs.com) or sah (romana@mindspring.com)