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buffyfic-digest         Monday, April 6 1998         Volume 02 : Number 100



In this issue:

       BUFFYFIC: Fallen (1/?)

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Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1998 19:22:31 -0400
From: "Kirstin" <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Fallen (1/?)

title: Fallen (1/1)
rating: strictly G or PG here.  nothing anybody can't read.
disclaimer: these characters are joss's, the wb's, mutant enemy's, anyone
else who has a valid claim that i don't know about's property.  they aren't
mine.  neither is the stuff from Gone . . ., Anya's story, which this is a
sequel to.  the ideas here, however, are mine.  please don't steal them
distribution: ask and ye shall receive.
feedback: pretty please with a cherry on top.
comments: mad props and thanks to all of the people who beta-read for me
and sent me nice comments last time i sent this.  Leslie, Taygeta,
Michelle, Divine1798, and hjrobert, you are the best humans ever!  i adore
you!  well, that's the cookies talkin', but you rock!  :)

There is no statute of limitations on forever, she told herself.  You told
him you love him.  You have to honor that.  But it was getting harder.  So
much had changed, in the month since he had left, in the weeks since she
had.  Things were completely different; she was completely different.  And
maybe somewhere inside she would always love him, but a different kind of
love than she used to think.  She had grown up with him, no matter how far
apart they were, they would always be best friends.  But she was beginning
to see that distance really did matter, and that it wouldn't mean that she
loved him less, if she let herself love someone else more.

    Buffy.  How could she do this to Buffy?  That was a completely different
issue.  She knew that Xander had never loved her the way she loved him.
She wasn't betraying him.  But she was betraying Buffy.  In such a short
time, the girls had grown so close.  Buffy had opened her eyes, shown her
things that she never knew existed.  Willow had grown up a lot through
their friendship, but she had grown even more when it ended.  There was no
way she could justify this.  It was nothing but betrayal.  Even though
Angel and Buffy had never let themselves get too close, Willow knew that
Buffy was in love.  How could she do that to her best friend, even if Buffy
and Angel would never see each other again?  How could she ignore what she
knew was right?

    But maybe Buffy and Angel weren't meant to be, Willow thought.  After all,
isn't he everything she is fighting against?  It never would have worked
out in the long run.  They couldn't have had a future.  A vampire and the
slayer, that's practically the definition of star-crossed.  Willow, on the
other hand, knew exactly what Angel went through.  She knew the bloodlust,
and the guilt after.  She knew what it was to be everything that she hated
in the world, and together maybe they could make things work out.  Maybe
they did have a chance . . .

    Angel doesn't even want me, Willow decided.  There is no way we have a
chance.  Just because I decided to be an awful person and turn against all
of my friends doesn't mean that he has.  He loves Buffy.  I am just a
friend.  He wouldn't even have come with me, but he probably wanted to
watch me in case I went full out vamp.  Giles just made him come along to
stake me if I started any problems.  That's all it is.

    But when he looks at me now, it's different.  Softer.  It's like he has
noticed that I'm changing too.  I'm not the girl I used to be.  I feel
older, a lot less naive.  And when I see myself, what little of myself I
can still see in the mirror, I look different too.  There's something there
that wasn't there before.  And I like it.  I think I'm finally starting to
see myself as beautiful.  And someday maybe I'll find someone to love me
like I love him . . . maybe someday Angel might fall in love with me, like
I'm falling in love with him.

*****

    This hadn't just started.  It wasn't like he woke up last week and
thought, hmm, maybe Willow.  And it wasn't just because Buffy was gone, or
because Willow was a vampire.  There was more to it.  In a way, it had
always been there.  He and Willow had always gotten along.  She was the one
to stick up for him.  And she had always been beautiful.  That was
definite.  But there was something new.  Something in the way that she
carried herself, something behind her eyes.  She looked older, wiser, and a
little more sure of herself.  In the middle of all of her problems, she had
really grown up and found herself.  Willow could always make the best of a
bad situation.  She was smart, and fun, and he loved being around her.  He
had always known that, too.  What he hadn't always known though, what he
was beginning to discover, was that he was falling in love with her, with
Willow.

    If he really thought about it, he had probably started to notice sometime
just before Buffy and Xander had gone on their respective vacations.  He,
Willow, Giles, Jenny, and Cordelia had thrown a makeshift goodbye party for
the departing Slayer and Slayerette.  He remembered one point in the
evening when he was alone with Willow, setting up for the party.  They were
getting out the cake, setting up plates and glasses, the usual pre-party
fare.  At some point in their stream of idle conversation, Willow said
something that made him take notice.

    "I can't believe they're going to be gone for so long!  Xander is leaving
tomorrow, and Buffy just a few days after.  I guess I'll get good at doing
research, since I'll be all alone for a month, I can catch up on my
prophecies or something.  Bye-bye hanging out and having fun," Willow said
sadly.

    "Don't worry Willow; I promise a lot of hanging out and having fun this
summer.  As long as 241 year old dead guys are your style," Angel answered
with a laugh.

    "I guess that could be included in my definition of fun," she said,
brightening up.  "Maybe we could go Bronzing sometimes?" she asked
hopefully.

    "Sure," he answered, "I'd love to dance with you."

    I wonder if she saw then what I saw, Angel thought.  I wonder if the same
forbidden thoughts were running through her mind then, and later.  We spent
so much time together.  By day, she was Giles' research girl, but at night,
she was mine.  Did she feel it too?  When we did the rounds at night, did
the same feelings tug at her soul as tugged at mine?  I just wanted to be
with her, all the time.  She had to know.  God, I was so obvious sometimes!
 I acted like a sixteen-year-old, not a 241-year vampire.  It's a good
thing that vampires don't sweat.  She would have noticed my damp palms
dancing at the Bronze.  I love holding her close like that, her tiny body
folded into mine.  It was all I could do not to kiss her then, even before
everything happened and I knew I would never see Buffy again.  Even if this
had never happened, I would have had to end things with Buffy when she got
back.  I wouldn't have approached Willow, I couldn't put that strain on
their friendship, but I also couldn't allow myself to lead Buffy on like
that.  I knew even then that she wasn't the one I loved.
When Willow didn't answer my call the night they got her, I was trapped in
fear.  I ran through the city, looking everywhere I thought she might be.
Finally, I reached the Anointed One's lair.  I remember her, lying on the
ground.  She was passed out, sick.  She was so cold when I picked her up.
What if she had been dead?  Well, in a way, she was dead.  The fear raced
through me.  Thank god Giles was home when I got there.  He found a pulse,
a quiet low pulse.  So we waited.  I think he might have known how I feel
about her.  He could see it.

    I know that there is nothing for her in Europe.  There are no Rom to cure
her.  She is what she is forever.  I think Giles knows that too, but
neither of us could tell Willow.  This is her last hope.  Maybe there is
something there though, something that will reassure her, even if it won't
cure her.  She has a lot of fighting to do.  Together though, I know we can
get through it.  I can help her control her urges, and she can help me with
mine.  We're good for each other.  Sunnydale was bad for both of us.
That's why I filled her head with hopes of an anchor for her soul.  In
Sunnydale, she would have driven a stake into her heart eventually, or
forced Buffy to do it for her.  She couldn't have handled being what she
was, a Slayerette who should have been one of the slain.  Giles and I knew
that to keep her alive, we had to keep her away from home.  And so we're
going to Europe.  We're going together.  I hope that someday, we can truly
be together.  Maybe someday Willow might fall in love with me, like I've
fallen in love with her.







- -

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