Disclaimer: I am not Chris Carter, almighty creator of the X-Files. *Sigh*
Feedback: Please! Scully's writing has a very particular style to it, which I attempted to capture here. Please let me know if I succeeded.
Dedication: For Amanda ... because I miss her, her funky colored eyes, and her Marita impression. "The chickenssssss. Ah yessssss. The chickensssssss ...."
~*~*~*~*~*~
Scully: Do you know, do you have any idea what you've been through?
Mulder: Only what I see in your face.
~*~*~*~*~*~
For some reason, I am not all that surprised to be siting here by your side, writing these words as you sleep. When I buried you, I was unable to reconcile with the fact that you would never return. I kept your apartment exactly as it was when you left it. I stopped by almost every day, under the pretense of feeding your fish, although I knew that could not be the only reason. And now, three months later, I have the answer why.
I should have known something as small and petty as death would never be able to stop you.
I suppose the other reason I am not surprised by these circumstances is that in the eight years I have known you, I have spent a great deal of that time sitting in hospital rooms much like this one. You seem to have a great proclivity toward getting shot. Or perhaps it is only the X-Files that brings us here, as I seem to recall you spending a great deal of time by my bedside as well. Regardless of the reason, this is a situation we have found ourselves in more than once. I must admit this is the first time I've ever been grateful for the opportunity, as it is much better than visiting your grave as I have been doing for the past three months.
I write these words to you now, much as I wrote during my own illness some years ago. I am still unsure as to when I will show them to you, or if I will at all. But knowing you, you will probably find this before I have the chance to make that decision, so it makes little difference.
I don't think I will ever be able to put into words what this means to me. I found your lifeless body in the woods, but as I write this I am watching the screen which monitors your beating heart. I watched them lower your coffin into the earth, and today I held you in my arms. The Scully you remember would be racking her brain for a logical answer, something to explain how this could have happened. And although I am looking for those answers, and will continue to do so, something has changed. I have opened my mind to the extreme possibilities, to the fact that we are not alone, and that no medical technology on this planet can explain what has happened to you.
And this is only the beginning. So much has happened, so much has changed that it is hard for me to know where to begin. Even my body has grown and changed beyond what you remember. The life growing within me was there before I lost you, but even I did not know it at the time. How could I, when we were told that the procedure had failed? This time, these months, have been so difficult. I have imagined my child never knowing you, growing up with only stories of what you were like, the man that you were. Knowing now that you will be an active part of his or her life gives me more joy than you can possibly imagine.
If the baby is a baby at all. I try not to think about these things, as for now there is nothing that can be done. My suspicions are only that, and my instincts hard to trust with my body ravaged by the strange hormones of pregnancy. I have tried to imagine what you would say, what advice you would give. More than anything though, I just wished that you were here. Your mere presence gives me more comfort than words ever could.
Agent Doggett just peered through the window. You aren't going to like him, I know that much for sure. I didn't either, at first. But over time I grew to trust him with my life, and I hope you can learn to do the same. He is a good man, and has taken his time on the X-Files as seriously as could possibly be expected.
It seems strange to me that after all this time, the months of searching for you, that he is reluctant to come and meet you now that you are found. I suppose it is because he is still new to the X-Files. He has seen a great deal since he drew this assignment, but nothing like this Lazarus-act which is put before him now. Even I would have a hard time putting this through the sieves of logic and science.
You look like you are beginning to stir, and although it is somewhat easier to organize my thoughts and feelings on paper, there is nothing I would rather do right now than talk to you. That first moment when you opened your eyes and looked at me, I thought my heart would stop. And now I am about to have the chance to experience the miracle of your life again. You may not believe it now, but your life is a gift from God, an answer to my prayers. I can only hope that as you have helped me to see the truth about so many things, I can convince you of this one.
END
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Distribution: Oh! If it helps at all, I'm gonna say yes.
Disclaimer: Oz and Willow do not belong to me. If they did, WAH and NMR wouldn't exist, so I wouldn't have to keep writing these alternate endings!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chapter 2: Secrets Kept
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"She's what?" Buffy said loudly, drawing stares from passing nurses and doctors. She lowered her voice slightly before continuing. "I mean, how?"
Giles shook his head as he polished he glasses. "I'm not exactly sure."
Xander shook his head. "I understand the how. I mean, we all watched that video in fifth grade, right? My question is the other how, like how did she hide it from us?"
The three friends stood outside of Willow's room in the obstetrics ward. Inside Oz sat by Willow's side, the two ex-lovers speaking in quiet tones. Buffy glanced through the window of the soundproofed door, wondering what was going on inside. "I should have known," she finally spoke. "I mean, Oz left six months ago. My best friend was at least six months pregnant and I didn't even notice."
"You can't blame yourself," Giles put a hand on the Slayer's shoulder. "None of us knew. Some women simply don't show their pregnancy as much as others."
"Yeah," Xander added. "I mean, how often have we heard about the girls who give birth at prom, and then go back out on the dance floor, and nobody knows. Besides, if anyone should have known, it was me. I've known her all my life." He picked the closest wall and gave it a good strong kick. "Ow."
Buffy looked to Giles for guidance. "So, what do we do? I mean, do we need to call Tara? Or ... or her Mom? I mean, we can't just sit here."
"I think if she wanted them here, Will would've called them herself." Xander said softly.
"For whatever reason, Willow called us," Giles added. "For now, all we can do is wait until she decides to tell us what we can do to help."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Oz sat by Willow's bed, unsure of exactly what he was supposed to be doing. As a boyfriend, or even a friend, he wanted to hold her and tell her it would be alright. But as an ex ... that made things complicated. The ex and the father. It was still a bit much to take in. So he just sat in his uncomfortable plastic chair, watching her.
"So ..." he finally spoke.
"So." Willow answered. "I ... I'm so sorry. I should have told you right away."
Oz smiled slightly. "Well, I think we've both done our fair share of hiding things from each other for our own good."
"I just ... didn't want you to feel pressured to stay, you know? You needed to make your own decision, regardless." She looked away, and the following words were barely audible. "And I needed to make mine."
This was not the right time to press on that subject, Oz knew that much. So he changed gears. "How far along?"
"Twenty-six weeks. If you do the math, that's the ... the last time that we ... you know."
Oz nodded, understanding Willow's reluctance to mention the act that led to her present condition. She never had been very comfortable with the word to begin with. Silence descended again, only to be broken by the arrival of the doctor.
"Ms. Rosenberg? I'm Doctor Haskel. And this is?"
"Oh!" Willow searched for the right words. "This is Oz. He's my ... um ... the father."
Doctor Haskel nodded. "Then I guess he should hear this as well. Ms. Rosenberg, I'm afraid that you are in labor."
Willow inhaled sharply, and without thinking took Oz's hand. Without taking his eyes of the doctor, he squeezed back.
"The good news is that you came straight in, and the earlier we get started, the better. Now there are several avenues we can take to attempt to halt the labor and carry you to full term. Our best chance is to start with drug therapy."
"Would that harm the baby?" There was terror in Willow's voice.
Doctor Haskel sighed. "There is a slim possibility. But in all reality this is the best chance your child has for survival."
Oz had tried to keep silent, something that wasn't usually that difficult for him. But at this point he felt he had to speak. There were nagging thoughts dogging him. "Can you tell us why?"
"Why is this happening to your child? There is no one answer." Doctor Haskel looked into Willow's eyes with sympathy. "There is the possibility that something is wrong with the baby, but considering the level of prenatal care you've received, I doubt that is the case. Most often there is no explanation for these occurrences. We just have to deal with them as best we can." He offered a small smile before continuing. "I'll be back shortly and we'll get started with the IV."
~But it's still a possibility~ Oz thought to himself as the doctor walked out the door. ~That this is all my fault. The wolf's fault. Again.~
~Ailie McFarland~
http://www.geocities.com/aixla/buffy.html
WILLOW: Well, I like you. You're nice and you're funny. And you
don't smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but that's not all the time. I
mean, three days out of the month I'm not much fun to be around either.
OZ: You are quite the human.
WILLOW: So I'd still, if you'd still.
OZ: I'd still. I'd *very* still.
OZ: Would it help you if I panic?
WILLOW: Yes, it'd be swell. Panic is a thing people can share in
times of crisis, and everything's really scary now, you know, and I
don't know what's going to happen and there is all sorts of things
you're supposed to get to do after high school and I was really
looking forward to doing them and now we're probably just going to
die and I'd like to feel you maybe you would ... What are you doing?
OZ: Panicing.
WILLOW: Oz...don't you love me?
OZ: My whole life, I've never loved anything else.
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Subject: Re: (arfic-l) "Silently I Watch" (1/1) by Kristina A. Schwartz--slash!
Date: 20 Apr 2001 21:17:59 -0400
<html><DIV>
<P>Trust me, if you watched the show, you'd see it. ^_^ (or maybe it's just me and Kristin <shrugs>) Anyway, there's a second story that goes with this. I'll post it later (after I see how many responses I get to <EM>Silently I Watch</EM>). I'm planning ot write a whole series of them, even if I only share them with Kristin (who is as much a TP fan as me. ^_^) Oh, and there have been a couple others, written by Renay Walker and Michelle on the Alternate Realities web site.</P>
<P>Kristina<BR><BR></P></DIV><br clear=all><hr>Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at <a href="http://explorer.msn.com">http://explorer.msn.com</a><br></p></html>
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well mandi, i don't personally watch the show, but i think you should post it anyway because somewhere, out there on the big wide web, someone is going to read it, and, seeing as i personally am getting interested in the PR fandom.
so post it, and see what happens!
~victoria
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<P>I like this story so far. Amazing dialogue. I'm interested to see where you're going with it. ^_^</P></DIV><br clear=all><hr>Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at <a href="http://explorer.msn.com">http://explorer.msn.com</a><br></p></html>
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