In order to relax while using cocaine so heavily, I had to drink alcohol or take Valium. Even so I would often lie in bed for hours with my heart racing, unable to fall asleep. I was really living in the extremes—either groggy and depressed or speeding. Finally, all that coke made me crazy. It gave me false inspiration and a kind of tunnel vision that hurt my creative efforts. Also, I began to suffer severe depressions. I’d play hide-and-seek games with the coke, locking it away and telling myself I wouldn’t use it today. But as long as I knew it was there, I couldn’t stop thinking about it and finally would give in and use it. Then I’d feel guilty as well.
I finally stopped taking it because the depressions outweighed the highs. After a few months I tried it again but got the same results: depression and no high. I haven’t used cocaine since then—it’s been over a year now. I still miss it and have had to relearn how to work without it. I feel strongly that I have to avoid any contact with that drug from now on.
