Frozen Fish 1: Amiga/FrozenFish-Apr94.iso/bbs/alib/d0xx/d007/hack.lha/hack.joke

Text File | 1985-12-16 | 10.4 KB | 251 lines

Article 2972 of net.sources:
Relay-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site unc.UUCP
Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/5/84; site bunkerb.UUCP
Path: unc!mcnc!decvax!ittvax!bunkerb!pop
From: [e-mail] (Paul Pederson)
Newsgroups: net.sources
Subject: Story -- Case of the missing part 10
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: Mon, 29-Apr-85 11:33:00 EDT
Article-I.D.: bunkerb.474
Posted: Mon Apr 29 11:33:00 1985
Date-Received: Mon, 29-Apr-85 23:28:25 EDT
References: none
Distribution: net
Organization: Bunker Ramo, Trumbull Ct
Lines: 232
Keywords: Puns galore

The following story is not true.  It contains many important, meaningful words
for people who appreciate puns, though many are bad or unnoticable.

   THE CASE OF THE MISSING HACK SOURCE PART 10

The time was 483625902.  The place was BCU (University California -
Backwards).  Ed and I has just finished sorting through our $HOME
directory when suddenly she entered the room  -- a tall dark blond
carrying a portable UNIX system.

   "I've lost it." she blurted out.  I supressed a laugh as I noticed
that Ed's tty's were suddenly becoming enabled.

   "Baby", I said, "We've all lost it, otherwise we wouldn't be here."

   She cast a cryptic glance at Ed, then turned her attention to me
as she said, "Oh no.  I mean I've lost IT.  My only source to HACK1.0.2,
part 10."

   What a cruel and vicious thing to have happened to a lady.  Of all the
parts for a lady to lose -- part 10 was the worst.  "You've got to be nice
and help me find it before it's too late."

   She looked exhausted.  Apparently, she must have been up all night,
trying to find the location of her lost source.  She sat down heavily on
my sofa.  Before I could ask any questions, she had fallen into a deep
sleep(28800).

   Ed rambled over to the sofa.  When he saw how exhausted she was,
his ttys slowly became disabled.

   The only clue we could work on was the system she brought into the
room with her.  We turned it on and proceeded to search through the cryptic
messages she had left on it.  Finally, we found what we were looking for --
HACK parts 1 through 9.

   In one of the parts was a message which had READ_ME written all over
it.  So we did.

   Ed and I were not prepared for what we had found.  Reading the
message, we realized we had uncovered a plot of international preportions.
She must have been an agent of espionage, for nearly all of her messages
originated from Amsterdam.

   I began to tremble.  I couldn't tell if it was from fear or
excitement.  I looked over at Ed.  His appearance had taken on a whole new
format.  It wasn't pretty...


   ...I found myself at a small bar (|) on the outskirts of BCU.  All
the HACKies and orphaned responses were known to hang out there.  I hoped
to getty more information on what was in the missing source.

   In the corner, drinking a cup of tee, was an old salty process whom I
recognized from the wanted posters in the mail directory -- Kaptain Kernel.
Sitting across the table from him was none other than the notorious DR VAX.

   I approached with caution, yet even as I approached, I noticed
DR VAX's flame was already on high.  As I stepped to the table, he threw
a tarred file which nearly walled me.  I hit him back with quotes from the
copyright law.  Just as he was about to turn on me again, several of the
other patrons nominated him for awards of various types.  He knew he had
been delta'd.  He left the room with a note of apology.

   "May I join you?" I directed at Kaptain Kernel.  "Vi not," he
responded.  "I have plenty of calls to anzzer, but I may as vell take care
of you first.  But mind you, unlezz you have a high priority, I vill not
talk to you longk."

   "What do you know of part 10?" I asked.  I knew I had asked the
wrong question when he responded "Segmentation violation -- core dumped".

   Realizing this bar (|) would be of no use, I immediately returned
$HOME....


   ....I returned $HOME to find Ed sprawled on the floor.  At first
I thought he had tried to handle a few too many files again, but when I
saw that he had been stripped and ichecked, I knew something was afoot.
I looked at his foot: sure enough, he had been given an 'od'.

   "You should be glad your friend wasn't killed" a hallowed voice
rang out. "I cu have been looking for the missing part 10 yourself".

   I looked up to see a man in a uniform.  He wore no sitename, but
his short mustache was a dead give away -- he was a member of the
administration.

   "Look," he said, "why don't you halt this silly game you're playing
and get some work done.  It will be best for us all in the long run."

   He nearly had me convinced.  I knew that in the future I must be
more secretive and cautious.  I played along with him by giving him a
nod of my head.

   "Very well," he said. "To save you any future trouble, I'll tell
you that the answer to 1.0.2 has something to do with sysV."

   Sis' 'V'?  Who is this Sister V that I keep hearing about, I
wondered to myself.  My puzzlement must have shown on my face, for the
administrator retorted "You don't about sysV?  I'm not surprised.  Only
a few guru's really know who sysV is.  But never you mind."

   He kept on yaccing through the night, but I paid no attention to him.
I had determined that I must meet Sister V and the gurus.  Perhaps they
could give me a clue as to where the missing part 10 may be found....


   ....Ed (whom I had renamed Cc after the run in with the administrator)
and I 'sail'ed half way around the world searching for Sister V and the
gurus.  We finally found the gurus on a mountain top in Tibet.

   "Where is Sister V?" I asked the nearest guru.

   "She is not of a truly physical form" he responded, "and therefore
cannot be found."

   "Besides" another cut in, "she takes on many new forms from day to
day and thus, you will not really know her once you find her."

   "That is not what I expected" I said with a sarcastic tone of voice.

   "Speak not ill of her" a third guru mused, "or she may not show her
favor upon you.  Only, speak good of her and admire her.  Then she and the
rest of the world will look upon you with reverence."

   I couldn't stomach it.  Running over to the railing, I proceeded
to toss up my fortune cookies.  Ed (Cc) was more easily logged in to what
they were saying.  Using their own logic, he was able to extract vital
information from them.  Sister V was a tall dark blond who could often
be found carrying around a portable UNIX system....

   ....Ed (Cc) and I returned $HOME bewildered.  Apparently, Sister
V had known the secret of part 10 all along.  She knew how vital it was
to the other parts.  Yet, she had left us in the dark so that we wouldn't
be able to refuse her request for help in finding it.

   Wondering where we should go next, Ed (Cc) and I kicked up our
feet and mellowed out.  We were boggled.  We didn't have a clue.  Well,
that's life.  Some people have a monopoly on it, and we weren't the ones.

   As if it were an answer to a prayer, a knock came on our door.
It was the kid from the net.games.frp directory down the street.

   "I met this lady on the street near your entrance", he said.  "She
said 'If you don't like the rules of the game, change em'.  I don't know
what she means, but she said you'd understand."

   That was it.  I didn't like the rules of the game she was playing,
so it was time to change 'em.  "Thanks kid," I yelled as I grabbed Ed (Cc)
by the head and ran from the room.

   As we ran out onto the street, we saw Sister V jump onto a 64 bit
bus and head out of town.  We hopped into the nearest CPU and tailed her
all the way to a place called 'lincolnsudbury'....


   ...."This is where it all began" she said when we caught up with her.
"If you search through these hallowed paths, you may find the truth in
the origins of the source."

   I agreed with her.  So the three of us -- Sister V, Ed (Cc), and I --
set out on our long and arduous journey through the paths of lincolnsudbury.

   Along the way we visited many utilities and kernel modifications.
No one in any of these files had any clue to the location of the original
HACK sources.  Several seconds and inodes later, we found it -- the
original sources.

   We split up.  Each of us tore into a file with haste, for fear
that an administrator would walk in on us.  All we found were several
cluttered routines, and special code to handle a guy named "JAWS", but
nothing to aid us in the search for the missing part 10.

   We got careless.  Ed (Cc) left a file open which lead one of the
administrators directly to our path.  He burst in on us wielding an
nroff which was too complicated for any of us to handle.

   ".L1 'I caught you'
    .Pa
    .ul
    So!" he said.
   "We meet again.
    .Sb 'I had hoped it would not come to this.'
    Now I see that you all must learn the truth about
    the mysterious missing HACK1.0.2 part 10.
    .br
    .En"

   He forced us to follow him down an unlinked inode to his office.
There he had an old teletype machine set up near his desk.

   "Here it is, you vermin" he squeeled at us.  "Here is the missing
HACK1.0.2 source part 10.  You will never gain access to it."  He picked
up a listing that was unreadable.  "I've cleverly locked it away in this
crypt and thrown away the key.  Now the fate of HACK has been sealed.
Death to it.  Long may rogue rule supreme."

   So that was it.  This guy was a roguie all the way down to his
hardened core.  I never suspected an administrator of such brilliance.

   "Now, I will rm HACK from the earth forever.  With one brilliant
keystroke, I will execute HACK and it will exist no more."

   I gaped in horror as I saw the administrator begin typing away
at his keyboard.  A small noise like that of an inner scream came from
Sister V.  Ed (Cc) passed out on the floor.

   The administrator began to chuckle to himself.  Finally, he quit
typing.  With his index finger steadily poised over the <RETURN> key,
he turned to me and said "Now, observe the horrible end of HACK.  I will
make it die a slow and painful death!"

   I lunged across the table to try to stop him from hitting the
key.  Before I was half way across the table, he turned me aside with
a clever passwd.

   As I sat glaring at him from the floor, he hit the <RETURN> key
on his teletype.

   *** POOF ***.  There was a flash of greasy black smoke.

   When my eyes finally adjusted to the light again, I could see
that the adminstrator had vanished.  All that was left in his place was
a tombstone which read:

      "     Rogue
       killed 04/29/85
            by a
       HACK1.0.2 part 10"

-Paul O. Pederson