linuxmafia.com 2016/linuxmafia.com.tar/linuxmafia.com/pub/humour/men-and-women

Text File | 1998-07-26 | 6KB | 131 lines

Subject: Man vs Woman
=====================

   Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.  He
asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.  A
few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
themselves.  They continue to see each other regularly, and after a
while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

   And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize
that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six
months?"  And then there is silence in the car.  To Elaine, it seems
like a very loud silence.  She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it
bothers him that I said that.  Maybe he's been feeling confined by our
relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of
obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

   And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

   And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either.  Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so
I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the
way we are, moving steadily toward [sniff] I mean, where are we going?
Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy?
Are we heading toward marriage?  Toward children?  Toward a lifetime
together?  Am I ready for that level of commitment?  Do I really even
know this person?

   And Roger is thinking . . . so that means it was . . . let's see
. . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had
the car at the dealer's, which means. . . lemme check the odometer. . .
Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

   And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe
I'm reading this completely wrong.  Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed- even
before I sensed it- that I was feeling some reservations.  Yes, I bet
that's it.  That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own
feelings.  He's afraid of being rejected.

   And Roger is thinking:  And I'm gonna have them look at the
transmission again.  I don't care what those morons say, it's still not
shifting right.  And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather
this time.  What cold weather?  It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is
shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves
$600.

   And Elaine is thinking: He's angry.  And I don't blame him.  I'd be
angry, too.  God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I
can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

   And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty.  That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

   And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next
to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I
truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me.  A
person who is in pain because of my self centered, schoolgirl romantic
fantasy.

   And Roger is thinking:  Warranty?  They want a warranty?  I'll give
them a damn warranty.  I'll take their warranty and stick it right up
their. . .

   "Roger," Elaine says aloud.

   "What?" says Roger, startled.

   "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes
beginning to brim with tears.  "Maybe I should never have . . Oh God, I
feel so. . ." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

   "What?" says Roger.

   "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight.  I
really know that. It's silly.  There's no knight, and there's no horse."
   "There's no horse?" says Roger.

   "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

   "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

   "It's just that [sniff] It's that I [sniff] I need some time," Elaine
says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he
can, tries to come up with a safe response.  Finally he comes up with
one that he thinks might work.)

   "Yes," he says.

   (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

   "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
   "What way?" says Roger.

   "That way about time," says Elaine.

   "Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

   (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him
to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it
involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

   "Thank you, Roger," she says.

   "Thank you," says Roger.

   Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his
place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately
becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two
Czechoslovakians he never heard of.  A tiny voice in the far recesses of
his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the
car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand
what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.  (This
is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

   The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.
In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and
everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every
word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every
possible ramification.  They will continue to discuss this subject, off
and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite
conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.  Meanwhile, Roger,
while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and
Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

   "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"