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From: "Joel K. Furr" <[e-mail]>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.lemurs,alt.answers,news.answers
Subject: alt.fan.lemurs: Frinkquently Asked Questions (Part 1 of 7, Lemur Humor Part One)
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Summary: This posting contains a list of Frequently Asked Questions (and the best answers we got) about Lemurs.  It should be read by anyone who wishes to post to the alt.fan.lemurs newsgroup.
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Alt-fan-lemurs-archive-name: lemur-faq/part1
Last-modified: 1994/08/02
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           Alt.fan.lemurs Frinkquently Asked Questions

This is the famous alt.fan.lemurs newsgroup, the newsgroup that
celebrates the legend, lore, and humor of Madagascar's most famous
animals. Lemur discussion began in 1991 on a small local campus
conferencing system at Virginia Tech, spread to a few USENET news-
groups, and acquired its own newsgroup in Fall 1992.

Sections of the FAQ include:
Part 1 of 7 -- Lemur Humor Part One
Part 2 of 7 -- Lemur Humor Part Two
Part 3 of 7 -- Lemur Humor Part Three
Part 4 of 7 -- Lemurs Versus Cows
Part 5 of 7 -- Lemurs and the USENET Oracle
Part 6 of 7 -- Duke University Primate Center
Part 7 of 7 -- Real Lemur Facts

The old Lemur Poetry section of the FAQ is being redeveloped as an archive
and will be posted at a later date.

    Official USENET Alt.Fan.Lemurs Frinkquently Asked Questions
               Part 1 of 7  -- Lemur Humor Part One


------------------------------

                            The Questions

(1) Um, this newsgroup seems to have a somewhat unusual view of
Lemurs.  According to you, what IS a Lemur?
(2) What kinds of sounds do Lemurs make?
(3) Are Lemur eyes really all that big?
(4) What do Lemurs do when the weather turns cold?
(5) What do Lemurs like to eat?
(6) Who is Nigel the Lemur?
(7) Who is Rudolpho the Christmas Lemur?
(8) Who are the other Lemurs?
(9) What's this I hear about a song called "Shock the Lemur?"
(10) What is "Lemur-B-Gon"?
(11) Does Lemur-B-Gon _work_?
(12) What do I do if I'm out driving and I come to a roadblock
where Lemurs are shaking people down for money and Chex Mix?
(13) Can you get Lemurs at governmental surplus property auctions?
(14) What is the "Lemurcon equation"?
(15) What should I do if I meet a Lemur?
(16) Were there Lemurs in Star Trek (tm)?
(17) Is it unusual to dream about Lemurs?
(18) How do Lemurs get into the USA?
(19) Are Lemurs controlling the minds of alt.folklore.urban
readers, forcing them to insert the word "Lemur" into the keywords
lines of their posts?
(20) How can you keep your local Lemurs entertained?
(21) Have Lemurs appeared in any court cases?
(22) How do monkeys compare with Lemurs?
(23) Can Lemurs in zoos escape?
(24) What do Lemurs in zoos like to eat?
(25) If you feed the Lemurs, what's likely to happen?
(26) Why did Chris Thompson get committed to a mental hospital?
(27) Is it wise to publicly express a fondness for Lemurs over the
Internet?
(28) What's that "Joey the Lemur, Friend of Mankind" song they did
on Mystery Science Theatre 3000?


Lemur Humor is continued in Part 2 of the FAQ, "Part 2 of 6 -- Lemur
Humor Part Two".

---------------

                             The Answers

(1) Um, this newsgroup seems to have a somewhat unusual view of
Lemurs.  According to you, what IS a Lemur?

      L-E-M-U-R (le-mer) noun  Lemur: a small mammal with
      large eyes, a foxlike face, and wooly fur, found
      mainly in Madagascar, Virginia Tech, and in the
      Twinkie aisle of your local 7-11. There are different
      kinds of Lemurs, some resembling monkeys, some resem-
      bling mice and squirrels, and some resembling politi-
      cians.  They live in trees and some are active mainly
      at night.  Others prefer to ride the rides at local
      theme parks. They are probably similar to an ancestor
      of the primates, meaning even Lemurs have a little bit
      of Elvis in them. <New Latin (?!?) LemurES, plural
      <Latin Lemures (with a - over the last E) specters,
      ghosts (because of their appearances and nocturnal
      habits)

This definition written by Barbara Poff.

-----------

(2) What kinds of sounds do Lemurs make?

Words known to be found in the Lemur lexicon include "ptang,"
"frink," "cheep," and "whooooooo".  The meaning of these words is
said to vary based on the motion of the eyes at the time a given
phrase is said.
Further information is reported by G. Shapiro:

      "Let me summarize the current understanding of Lemur lin-
      guistics, as reported in the Journal of Irreproducible
      Results.

      frink (adj) - very appealing, sexually

      frink (noun) - a National Geographic photographer.

      [NOTE: The dual usage of frink stems from a confusion in
      Lemur society. The primary determinant of sexual appeal in
      Lemurs is size of the eyes. Lemurs confused the telephoto
      lenses of NG photographers as huge, and hence very appeal-
      ing, eyes.]

      ptang (verb) - to have sex with another species. Has a
      positive connotation when the other species is also primate.
      More akin to the English 'bestiality' when the other species
      is non-primate.

      cheep, cheep, cheep (noun) - particularly satisfactory
      sexual experience.

      So let us use this knowledge to translate the following
      Lemur dialogue:

      1st Lemur: PTANG FRINK FRINK
      2nd Lemur: cheep, cheep, cheep.

      Translation:

      1st Lemur: I heard you had sex with that hot-looking NG
      photographer.
      2nd Lemur: Yes. It was great.

Shapiro's report cannot be accepted as absolute fact as Lemurs
have been known to use "ptang" and "frink" for many other situa-
tions besides those involving sex.  Hence the theory that eye
motions play a large role in determining what a Lemur means at any
given time.  This theory is as follows:

      The verbal component of a Lemur lexicon that requires somat-
      ic components to determine the actual meaning.  In other
      words, the meaning of "frink" varies depending on the eye
      motions of the lemur in question.  Rolling your eyes while
      saying "frink" means one thing, while winking the right eye
      slowly while saying "frink" means something else entirely,
      and so forth.  "Frink" seems to be used for many purposes:
      as a greeting, as an exclamation of excitement, as a means
      of expressing curiousity, and so forth.  Only Lemurs know
      what "frink" means for sure, and they aren't telling.


-----------

(3) Are Lemur eyes really all that big?

Yes.  Lemurs come equipped with large, almost shining eyes which
are legendary for reflecting the light of campfires back at people
gathered in clearings with curious Lemurs in the nearby trees.
Lemurs are said to have "googly" eyes which are used in communica-
tion -- e.g. winking, rolling, staring, etc. in addition to spoken
words.  When a Lemur is around a good-looking Lemur of the oppo-
site sex, you can generally tell that the first Lemur finds the
second one attractive as the first Lemur will "get all googly and
stuff" (in the words of Chris Karluk).

-----------

(4) What do Lemurs do when the weather turns cold?

Word has it that Lemurs travel via subways and steam tunnels when
the weather turns cold, "moving in" with friendly humans, thereby
assured of a warm dwelling place and lots of Big K grape soda for
the duration of the winter.

Apparently the humans they move in with are persuaded to share
their living quarters with some Lemurs if the Lemurs let their
"hosts"  use their blaster pistols now and then.  "Negotiations"
with the invading Lemurs can be interesting, as this exchange of
messages in a recent case shows:

      *  The humans said that the Lemurs could come by if they
         promised not to annoy the neighbors, play the stereo too
         loud, hog the computers and modem, use laserdisks as
         frisbees, or swing from the kitchen light.

      *  The Lemurs countered by asking if they could jump up and
         down on the bed.  Their representative said that he
         couldn't guarantee all the above, but that they MUST be
         allowed to jump on the bed, or else they would come over
         anyway and do anything they want.  Furthermore, swinging
         from the kitchen light is something that all Lemurs
         instinctively love doing.   Would the humans object if they
         brought their own kitchen lights to attach to the kitchen
         ceiling?

      *  Sighing, the humans assented provided that the Lemurs
         either promise to repaint the kitchen walls afterwards or
         wear flip-flops.

      *  The Lemurs agreed and moved in.

-----------

(5) What do Lemurs like to eat?

Legend has it that Lemurs love junk food.  Specifically Hostess
Twinkies, but also such things as generic snack cakes, cookies,
deviled eggs, pigs-in-a-blanket, squirt cheese on crackers, etc.
In other words, your average Lemur would be very content raiding
the hors d'oeuvres line at a cheap wedding reception.  Rumor has
it that Lemurs occasionally fall victim to strange cravings, such
as chocolate cakes with cherry pie filling and whipped cream on
top... and sauerkraut!  Sauerkraut on everything!!!  Let's not
explore this subject any further.

Lemurs like to eat.  This they do well: it's not uncommon for a
Lemur to devour the entire contents of a candy machine in under
ten hours.  (Lemurs often can squirm inside the machine via the
slots at the bottom, eat their fill, and then have trouble getting
back out.  vending machine repairmen often find engorged Lemurs
sitting in a pile of Mounds bar wrappers looking woeful.  The
Lemurs are usually deported back to the Duke University primate
home.)  Lemurs are nothing if not pragmatic.  A vending machine
full of Mars bars down the hall from the office they've taken over
is greatly preferred to one a few buildings away that contains
Twinkies.  Besides, those machines are usually long since cleaned
out by those few Lemurs who do forage afar.

-----------

(6) Who is Nigel the Lemur?

Nigel the Lemur is the only lemur known to have internet access. Nigel's
email address is [e-mail].  Nigel was first heard of
escaping from the Duke University Primate Center in Durham, North
Carolina.  He made his way north to Blacksburg, Virginia and presently
makes his home there, freeloading off various humans and making periodic
appearances on alt.folklore.urban.

-----------

(7) Who is Rudolpho the Christmas Lemur?

Rudolpho the Christmas Lemur is said to have stowed away on Santa's
sleigh during a stopover in Madagascar one Christmas. Upon finding the
hapless Lemur shivering in the back of the sleigh after returning to the
North Pole, Santa named him "Rudolpho" and adopted him into the North
Pole community.  Rudolpho aided Santa for a few Christmases, sneaking
into houses and opening the chimney flues when required so Santa could
get in.  Eventually, though, Rudolpho yielded to a kleptomaniac urge and
began stealing silverware... and jugs of Big K Grape Soda.  Santa
reluctantly discharged him on the spot, but Rudolpho has continued his
irregular service nonetheless, breaking into houses and stealing the Big
K Grape Soda and opening any chimney flues that need to be opened. If he
should happen to be discovered, he flees by shaking up a bottle of Big K
Grape Soda, opening it, and jetting off over the horizon.  (If he gets
thirsty in mid-flight he pulls a loop, fills a cup, and continues
onwards.)

-----------

(8) Who are the other Lemurs?

In addition to Nigel and Rudolpho, various Lemurs have popped up
in the Lemur legends and lore: J. Arthur Lemur, the Lawyer Lemur;
Eddie the Lemur, who serves aboard a giant starship crewed mainly
by rodents; and of course the various hordes of Lemurs who pop up
here and there when least expected.  Rocky the Lemur is said to live
with Greg Morrow, and rumor has it that Sean Barrett is actually a lemur
who lives with Sue Miller because she rubs his belly now and then.  Who
knows?  Next time you're sending email, THINK!  That person on the other
side of the Internet connection might be a lemur too!

-----------

(9) What's this I hear about a song called "Shock the Lemur?"

We have it on good authority that Peter Gabriel's smash hit "Shock
the Monkey" was originally titled "Shock the Lemur," but the
Lemurs that were going to be used in the video escaped and robbed
a local convenience store, making off with all of the Twinkies
(tm) and Yoo-Hoo (tm) and wounding the clerk with a Nutty Buddy
(tm).  They were last seen heading toward Las Vegas, presumably
drawn there by the sound of Wayne Newton's voice. Gabriel was
forced to acquire the more well-tempered monkeys instead, and the
rest is history.

-----------

(10) What is "Lemur-B-Gon"?

(paid advertisement for Lemur-B-Gon follows)

BEFORE: Vance Kochenderfer says: I'm getting C's where I should be
getting B's or better..  I'm just sick of school in general. Of
course, the Lemurs banging on my window keep me awake at night, so
I'm not as alert as I should be...

AFTER CALLING Lemur-B-GON: Ever since I called Lemur-B-Gon, I have
had no problems with Lemur infestations.  Now they just bang on
the window and whine and try to get in, but they'll never get in.
Never.  Even if they are armed with dynamite and blasting caps.
Lemur-B-Gon has LemurPROOFED (tm) my home.

Lemurs bugging you?  Call Lemur-B-Gon at 1-800-LMR-B-GON.  Guaran-
teed to work or your Twinkies back!

-----------

(11) Does Lemur-B-Gon _work_?

From what we hear, they do good work.  Vance Kochenderfer had to
call Lemur-B-Gon when a bunch of the Lemurs were keeping him awake
at night beating on his windows trying to get him to let them in.
He knew better than to do that, as they would just have come
inside and made even more noise playing with the kitchen applianc-
es and asking him for his credit card number and expiration date
so they could order cubic zirconium jewelry off QVC and the Home
Shopping Network.  Fortunately, Lemur-B-Gon came quickly and took
care of the situation by bribing the Lemurs into the back of a
closed van with some Ben 'n' Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream (it's
banana ice cream with chocolate chunks).  The Lemurs were then
taken over to the local university library and released into the
photocopier area where they busied themselves making photocopies
of their body parts.

-----------

(12) What do I do if I'm out driving and I come to a roadblock
where Lemurs are shaking people down for money and Chex Mix?

Stay calm, give them what they want, and then go prepare defenses
for the next time. Keith Williams claims that Lemurs are deathly
afraid of empty Burger King bags.  In his words, "it's the '100%
Recycled' content of the paper.  Drives them nuts."  Thus, college
students who eat fast food a lot are probably safe from this kind of
thing happening.  If you encounted a Lemur roadblock, it'd probably
be a good idea to go get some empty Burger King bags and leave them
lying around on the floor of your car.

-----------

(13) Can you get Lemurs at governmental surplus property auctions?

At times, the question has come up as to whether you can purchase
used Lemurs at governmental surplus property auctions:  "Have they
been auctioning off Lemurs, too?!?  How much do they go for?!?
Are they nice, new Lemurs or old, used, worn-out Lemurs? And do
they also sell Lemur accessories?"  And so forth.

The best answer we have is this:  Yes, you can occasionally get
Lemurs at surplus auctions.  Mostly they're the Lemurs that
governments bought expecting that the new governmental Lemur
specifications would be written in such-and-so a way and when it
turned out that the first thing new governments do after reaching
office was to toss out the Lemur specifications that had been left
for implementation by the outgoing administrations.  Thus, govern-
ments are left with a bunch of Lemurs that had been bought under
the old Lemur specifications.  It's kinda like investing in a lot
of TRS-80's ten years ago on the expectation that TRS-80's would
be the standard.  There are a lot of high schools sitting around
with TRS-80's even as we speak.  So yes, many governments do have
all these Lemurs that, while completely serviceable, are nowhere
close to meeting official State specs and thus, they're going for
a song.  All the accessories and support materials, too.  Quite
often, the Lemurs have never even been unpacked; they've been
sitting in a warehouse getting fed three times a day for the last
three years until a government gets around to selling them.

-----------

(14) What is the "Lemurcon equation"?

D. Harmon writes:

You may have heard of a type of graph called a limacon, which is a
graphed from the function r=a+b*cosh or r=a+b*sinh.  What you
probably haven't heard of is another similar type of function
called a Lemurcon.  This function is the equation l=e(mu*r),
where l is the length of the radius, r is a constant which has
several different values for each value of mu, and mu is the
independent variable.

For example, the graph of one type of Lemurcon equation would look
like this:

                                  l

                                  |
                                  |
                                  |
                        * *       |       * *
                       *   * * * *|* * * *    *
                        *         |         *
                       *          |          *
                       *     *    |    *     *
                   - - -*- - - - - - - - - -*- - - -  mu
                         *        |        *
                           *     *|*     *
                             *    |    *
                               * *|* *
                                * * *
                                  |
                                  |
                                  |

Since the discovery of Lemurcon equation is fairly recent, there
is an opportunity to immortalize your name in history by discover-
ing other graphs of the Lemurcon equation.  :)

-----------

(15) What should I do if I meet a Lemur?

Mike Kohlhaa asks,
      On the off chance that I should see a Lemur here in
      Indiana, how should the Lemur be approached?  If I
      offer him food and beer will he be friendly?  Should I
      call the zoo?  Might he join me in a game of
      hacky-sack?  I guess I'm just wondering what type of
      temperament Lemurs have.  Are they laid-back and
      fun-loving, or are they always on edge?

Vance Kochenderfer replies,

      You should be okay if you offer him a Twinkie [tm].
      Whatever you do, DO NOT say "frink" because you'll
      probably get the inflection wrong, and anger the
      Lemur.  In general, though, I think Lemurs avoid
      Indiana as much as possible.  They have an incredible
      fear of dumb ex-Vice Presidents.

Joel Furr chimes in,

      The Lemur may surprise you by approaching _you_ before
      you can approach _it_.  Chances of this happening are
      greatly increased should you be carrying one of the
      following with you:
            1) Twinkies
            2) Big K Grape Soda
            3) Pictures of attractive Lemurs of the opposite
            sex
            4) A ceiling light... especially the kind that
            hangs by a chain.

      Lemurs should NOT be given beer.  Lemurs are generally mean
      drunks.  They're much friendlier when they're on a sugar
      high.

Encountering a Lemur is an unusual, but by no means risky happen-
stance.  With a little luck, a Lemur encountered in a park will
likely become a close friend and will stick with you through thick
and thin, or at least as long as the Twinkies hold out.

-----------

(16) Were there Lemurs in Star Trek (tm)?

Yes. As it happens, the T in James T. Kirk stands for "Tanan-
arivo," the capital of Madagascar.  Madagascar is home, of course,
to 99% of the world supply of Lemurs, and as we all know, Gene
Roddenberry was a huge Lemur fan.  However, the producers wouldn't
let him incorporate Lemurs into the cast because they were afraid
that the clever, cunning little primates would somehow find a way
to make the phasers, tricorders, and photon torpedoes actually
*work*.  Plus, in shooting of the pilot, "The Cafe," you can see
Lemurs swinging by overhead on the restaurant lights during the
scene in which Pike gets the Talosians to pick up the check.  This
was not a situation which Desilu wanted to see happen again so all
Lemurs were banned from future shootings of the show.

This was mentioned in Roddenberry's re-release of the reconstruct-
ed pilot.  (From the black-and-white footage + what they used on
the TOS two-parter).  As Roddenberry climbs into the transporter
room at the end of the video, he says "For us, no Lemurs".  Most
people just ASSUME that he's saying "For us, no LIMITS".  (And we
ALL know that when you assume you make an ASS out of U and ME.)
So this PROVES the Lemur theory which, from now on will be abbre-
viated TLT (The Lemur Theory) or maybe TLP (The Lemur Proof) or
maybe even TLL (The Lemur Law) or just TLTTLPTLL for short).

-----------

(17) Is it unusual to dream about Lemurs?

Henry Sanford Gibbons writes:

      I had a strange dream the other night, in which my
      girlfriend and I were in the middle of the Mojave
      Desert surrounded by giant man-eating Lemurs.  I
      thought it quite remarkable at the time, so I was
      wondering if net-land had any comments about this
      rather disconcerting image.

Vance Kochenderfer replies,

      I had the strangest dream last night.  I dreamed I was
      transformed into a giant man-eating Lemur, and I was
      out in the Mojave Desert, and there were these two
      people there, a man and a woman, whom I did not know.
      And then I ate them.

Draw your own conclusions.

-----------

(18) How do Lemurs get into the USA?

Vance Kochenderfer and Joel Furr run blackmarket Lemurs through
the Port of New York three times yearly.  In Joel Furr's words,
"we disguise them as Hungarian piccolo players and put dark shades
on them and we usually don't get caught."  Furr adds, "but then
there was that time the customs people had that big box of
Twinkies sitting next to the gate..."

-----------

(19) Are Lemurs controlling the minds of alt.folklore.urban
readers, forcing them to insert the word "Lemur" into the keywords
lines of their posts?

Yes.

-----------

(20) How can you keep your local Lemurs entertained?

Here's a suggestion from Dave Budd:

      Go to your nearest zoo.  Stand in front of the Lemurs.
      Juggle.  They will be fascinated by this action, but
      it's a waste of time trying to teach them how to do
      it.  The big cats quite like it as well, but they're
      not so impressed when you drop.

-----------

(21) Have Lemurs appeared in any court cases?

Just one that we've found so far:

      In United States v Buettner-Janusch (1980, SD NY) 500
      F Supp 1285, affd on other grounds (CA2 NY) 646 F2d
      759, cert den 454 US 830, 70 L Ed 2d 107, 102 S Ct
      126--a prosecution for possession of methaqualone with
      intent to distribute in violation of 21 USCS @
      841(a)(1), based on six plastic jars containing meth-
      aqualone in various stages of purification, which were
      seized from the defendant's laboratory during a gov-
      ernment search--the court held the evidence more than
      sufficient to sustain the guilty verdict and denied
      the defendant's motion for judgment of acquittal or a
      new trial.  The court noted that the defendant and his
      co-conspirators, who allegedly were involved in  Lemur
      research, had purchased enough raw material to make
      sufficient methaqualone to drug all the  Lemurs in the
      United States and keep them in a perpetual state of
      euphoria...

-----------

(22) How do monkeys compare with Lemurs?

A quote from Rev. John ([e-mail]):

      Lemurs! I used to be a volunteer at the zoo in Mem-
      phis. They had an island there (well, a small hillock
      surrounded by water) on which a number of monkeys were
      kept -- hence, Monkey Island.  The monkeys had a
      tendency to escape, however; at one point numerous
      ones did so and fled the zoo. Most were caught climb-
      ing up the side of a tall apartment complex across the
      street.  After this, the zoo replaced the monkeys with
      Lemurs, who were much less inclined to escape.  As a
      volunteer, I and my co-workers spent many lunch breaks
      watching the Lemurs running about the little island in
      their trademark loping gait.  We coined a simple verb
      to describe their action : "leeming", or "to leem,"
      which is to run about like a Lemur.

-----------

(23) Can Lemurs in zoos escape?

The answer comes from S. Mudgett:

      The last time I went to the zoo, all we did to the
      Lemurs was give them apple chunks.  the baby Lemurs
      were small enough to leave the cages by squeezing
      between the bars, and came out to visit. A zookeeper
      told us they didn't have any cages that a baby Lemur
      couldn't get out of.

Further data comes from Torsten Wesley Adair:

      When the Lied (Indoor) Jungle opened at the Henry
      Dorley Zoo last April, the Lemurs discovered a way to
      exit the "jungle" and sit outside on the roof.  This
      was corrected, but they still have the run of the
      place, I believe.  I have never been approached by
      one, but I have been introduced to an Iguana.

-----------

(24) What do Lemurs in zoos like to eat?

Another quote from Rev. John ([e-mail]):

      We never fed the Lemurs twinkies, or threw them food
      for that matter. As I recall they ate Purina Monkey
      Chow or some such ... plus some fruits I think that
      the keepers gave them.  At other parts of the zoo we
      sold carrots and stuff for llamas, bears, and other
      such critters. But not for Lemurs. For all I know they
      would have happily gnawed on Burl Ives records.

-----------

(25) If you feed the Lemurs, what's likely to happen?

Siobhan Harper explains:

      I begged them not to tell the keeper, and they agreed,
      as long as I kept bringing them fruit. Then it esca-
      lated -- they began demanding cigarettes, jewelry,
      expensive electronics, and 18-year-old Scotch. They
      threatened to expose me to the primate keeper when I
      couldn't afford their demands anymore, and that's when
      I changed my name, moved to Seattle, and took a job at
      Microsoft. Somehow, they found out my phone number,
      though, and every once in a while, I get a call late
      in the night. My heart leaps into my throat when I
      hear that soft "Whooo, whooo" on the other end, know-
      ing it's only a matter of time until they catch up
      with me.


---------------

(26) Why did Chris Thompson get committed to a mental hospital?

Quoth Chris Thompson ([e-mail]):

>I was at the zoo one day, standing looking at the lemur cage. The
>lemurs were going wild jumping around and frinking loudly. I
>noticed one of the lemurs (He looked to be a lemur leader) had
>Mr. Underhill's American express card and was trying to jimmy the
>lock to the cage. I was unsure of their problem. It was then that
>I noticed they were being fed big bowls of dry crusty Lemur Chow,
>and this little kid was standing next to me EATING A TWINKIE!!!
>
>I immediately slapped the twinke to the ground, picked it up and
>tossed it into the cage. I turned to the kid and yelled "MY GOD
>MAN! WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING!?! ONE OF THEM HAS A
>CREDIT CARD!!" then, to the lemurs "I'll BE RIGHT BACK WITH SOME
>BIG-K!!"
>
>After the cops released me from psychiatric lockup, I did go back
>and slide a couple of two liters of Big K Grape and a case of
>twinkies under the cage.
>
>The Lemur Leader saw me and came over. I looked at him and said
>"Frink."  Somehow I got the intonation right because he looked at
>me and nodded sagely and said "Ptang."



-----------

(27) Is it wise to publicly express a fondness for Lemurs over the
Internet?

After Joel Furr said "I'd like to hug a Lemur," Robert O'Brien
spoke up:

      Careful!  The ones that sometimes hang around my patio
      and read the screen thru the window and over my shoul-
      der were here again tonight, and after your message
      scrolled by I heard them making chattering type noises
      for a while, then they all took off toward the phone
      lines - they *may* know how to track down your ad-
      dress.

(28) What's that "Joey the Lemur, Friend of Mankind" song they did
on Mystery Science Theatre 3000?
                          JOEY THE LEMUR

Tom Servo:        It's Joey the Lemur, the friend to Mankind, our
                  furry sort of monkey friend who really does
                  shine

Joel:             It's Joey the Lemur, he's really fun to have
                  around to huggle and to talk to and fun fun fun
                  [note: Joel appears to be whacked out on goof-
                  balls, we couldn't get a better translation than
                  this.]

Crow:             Joey the Lemur, he'll run everywhere, Joey the
                  Lemur, what kind of heck of animal is he any-
                  way?!  Uh... Joey the Lemur, the kind of animal
                  that would go to the bathroom anywhere.

Joel:             Wait a minute, hold it!

Crow:             Huh?  There's more!

Joel:             This is the Lemur.  Native to the Philippines
                  and Madagascar, uh... and fictional planets like
                  Nova.  He is a clean, gregarious, and good pet.

Joey the Lemur:   You said it, pal!  Oh boy, pal of mine, you're
                  the one for me!

Tom Servo:        Uh oh, Joel's swinging into his puppet routine!

Joey the Lemur:   Can it, fireplug!  I've had enough out of you!

Tom Servo:        Joey the Lemur, he'll say what he thinks!

Joey the Lemur:   I've got a story to tell! Oh boy, will I ever,
                  I'll carry on like a Gilbert Gottfried of the
                  animal world, I don't mind telling you.  You
                  know, I'm the clown prince of the primate world
                  who's often mistaken for our friend the chimpan-
                  zee.  But don't make any mistake, I'm not saying
                  anything wrong about our chimpanzee brethren,
                  only that I wish.... here's wishing they'd throw
                  a little more work our way, alright?

Crow:             Lemur, the Lemur, L-E-M-U-R.

Joey the Lemur:   Hey, who's this bird-dog-thing, I don't like
                  him!

Tom Servo:        L is for Lemur!

Joey the Lemur:   L is for Lemur, 'nuff said!

Crow:             E is for EAT!
Joey the Lemur:   E is for eat.  I eat four times my own weight in
                  nuts and berries, which has its consequences,
                  but go figure!

Crow:             M is for MONKEY!

Joey the Lemur:   Monkey.  I'm often mistaken for a monkey.  It
                  goes with the turf, let's go!

Tom Servo:        U is for UNUSUAL!

Crow:             And UNPREDICTABLE!

Joey the Lemur:   Unpredictable is right!  I once took a whiz on
                  Johnny Carson's sportcoat-- I don't panel well.
                  Okay, on with the show!

Tom Servo:        R is for RADICAL!

Crow:             And RAMBUNCTIOUS!

Joey the Lemur:   Randy as a jackrabbit, that's me alright!
                  Whoooooo!

Tom Servo:        Yes, it's the splendiferous Lemur....

Crow:             ...friend to all Mankind!

Joey the Lemur:   Please consider me as a possible corporate sym-
                  bol or mascot suitable and fine for any profes-
                  sional or semi-professional sport team.

Crow & Tom Servo: It's the

Crow:             magnificent
Tom Servo:        splendiferous

Crow & Tom Servo: LEEEMURRR!!

Joey the Lemur:   I, the Lemur, beg you to consider me.  I am
                  willing to travel and would make an excellent
                  companion for any elderly or unelderly elderly
                  person.  Gentlemen, please consider me.  Thank
                  you.  Thank you, thank you.

---------------

Lemur Humor is continued in Part 2 of the FAQ, "Part 2 of 7 -- Lemur
Humor Part Two".

  ------------------------------------------------------------------
  Prepared January 31, 1993 by Joel Furr, [e-mail]
  Revised February 15, 1993 by Joel Furr, [e-mail]
    Revised April 5, 1993 by Joel Furr, [e-mail]
     Revised July 6, 1993 by Joel Furr, [e-mail]
       Revised August 2, 1994 by Joel Furr, [e-mail]




Path: senator-bedfellow.mit.edu!faqserv
From: [e-mail] (Joel K. Furr)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.lemurs,alt.answers,news.answers
Subject: alt.fan.lemurs: Frinkquently Asked Questions (Part 2 of 7, Lemur Humor Part Two)
Supersedes: <lemur-faq/[e-mail]>
Followup-To: alt.fan.lemurs
Date: 21 Jun 1995 11:18:42 GMT
Organization: none
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Approved: [e-mail]
Expires: 14 Jul 1995 11:17:50 GMT
Message-ID: <lemur-faq/[e-mail]>
References: <lemur-faq/[e-mail]>
NNTP-Posting-Host: bloom-picayune.mit.edu
Summary: This posting contains a list of Frequently Asked Questions (and the best answers we got) about Lemurs.  It should be read by anyone who wishes to post to the alt.fan.lemurs newsgroup.
X-Last-Updated: 1995/02/08
Originator: [e-mail]
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Archive-name: lemur-faq/part2
Alt-fan-lemurs-archive-name: lemur-faq/part2
Last-modified: 1994/08/02
Version: 4.0

    Official USENET Alt.Fan.Lemurs Frinkquently Asked Questions
               Part 2 of 7  -- Lemur Humor Part Two

------------------------------

                           The Questions

(1) Would it be a good idea to give a Lemur a toolbox for his or
her birthday?  Are Lemurs vocationally skilled?
(2) What are Lemurs' tails used for?
(3) Are Robert O'Brien's local Lemurs up to something?
(4) Why do Lemurs spend so much time trying to get their mitts on
credit cards?
(5) What's this I hear about a 900 number for Lemurs?
(6) Can thinking about Lemurs have positive benefits?
(7) What did the late historian and humorist Will Cuppy have to
     say about lemurs?
(8) Did Old McDonald have lemurs on his farm?
(9) How can you tell if you have a lemur problem?
(10) If a bunch of lemurs infested my dorm room, what would it be
     like?
(11) What if I _wanted_ lemurs around?  How would I arrange that?
(12) Has anyone actually sat down and talked with an actual lemur?
(13) What is the "Lemurata"?
(14) What is a Rufous Mouse Lemur?
(15) Do lemurs get along with other sorts of animals?  Pets, for
     example?
(16) Suppose you were a resident assistant in a college dormitory.
     And suppose you had lemurs living on your hall.  What would
     that be like?
(17) Are there lemurs in, say, Central Europe?
(18) What about in England?  Any lemurs there?
(19) Write a story about lemurs following the Edward Bulwer-Lytton
     "dark and stormy night" style for me, please?
(20) What did Nigel the Lemur do to Dick Depew of ARMM fame?
(21) Who is LEMORO?

Lemur Humor is continued in Part 3 of the FAQ, "Part 3 of 6 -- Lemur
Humor Part Three."
------------------------------

                             The Answers


(1) Would it be a good idea to give a Lemur a toolbox for his or
her birthday?  Are Lemurs vocationally skilled?

No.  As Ryan Franklin notes:

      I do know that it's a bad idea to give a Lemur a
      toolbox for his or her birthday.  Oh yeah, they're
      really grateful and they thank you profusely for days
      (mainly by not soiling the carpet), but then one
      morning you'll wake up and find that same
      oh-so-grateful Lemur making "just a few improvements"
      on your car's engine, with about a dozen
      grease-stained parts of your transmission lying out on
      the driveway.  Wonderful species, nice opposable
      thumbs, but absolutely NO mechanical aptitude whatso-
      ever.  Definitely not the auto repairmen of the pri-
      mate world.

Alt.fan.lemurs has heard differing opinions on this question,
though.  One guy said his car got 100 miles to the gallon after
this happened to him and he never missed the leftover parts, but
for some reason the radio would only play Radio Antananarivo.
Another guy, cursing loudly, said that the car smelled of caramel-
ized sugar for weeks after the Lemurs had their way with it.
Finally he took it to a garage and found that the Lemurs had left
some half-eaten Twinkies inside the trans-mission case (said
Twinkies now being extremely inedible, as opposed to slightly
inedible).

On the other hand, well over 80% of the Lemur population can get a
job as a locksmith or as a window washer, according to a recent
article in Barron's.  This brings them up to #3 on the "Most in
Demand" list for the major primate families.  Unfortunately, few
Lemurs appear to want those jobs, perhaps because they can get all
the food they need from nearby vending machines and/or used record
stores.

Locksmithing would appeal to Lemurs if they stopped to _think_
about it since a locksmith-trained Lemur would be hell on wheels
in the vending machine world.  Who'd need being able to wriggle
into the machine if you could just pop it open and swipe _every-
thing_ in one swell foop?

Window washing, on the other hand, does not appeal to the Lemurs
of our acquaintance.  Neither Rudolpho nor Nigel expressed any
interest in washing windows.  They see windows as necessary evils,
shutting out the natural breezes but keeping in the warmth here in
countries that aren't warm year-round.

-----------

(2) What are Lemurs' tails used for?

An excellent question.

Ryan Franklin asked:

      Incidentally, can anyone tell me if a Lemur's tail is
      partially prehensile?  Able to hook on to a branch or
      ceiling lamp and help stabilize them while they climb
      and swing and cavort joyfully in the air?  I know they
      have to keep them up in the air while leeming (or else
      trip themselves), but I was wondering if there was
      some sort of purpose to their tail other than looking
      nice.

Joel Furr responded:

      As far as I can tell from this book I checked out called
      "Lemurs And You," Lemur tails are not prehensile.  Instead
      they use their little paws to cling to things that need
      clinging to... ceiling lamps, Cindy Crawford, Twinkies,
      etc...

Ryan responded:

      Hm.  Then, apart from looking really nice, what purpose do
      their tails serve?  They seem to be rather inconvenient
      whilst leeming, as I mentioned before, and even something as
      simple as being able to use it as a way of stabilizing
      themselves when climbing or clinging would go a long way
      towards explaining this prosimian puzzle.

David A. Boulton provided the answer:

      I don't know about Joey, Rudolpho, and other urban,
      twinkie-addicted Lemurs, but in the wild Lemur tails have at
      least two purposes that I am aware of.

      As you guessed, one use is for keeping their balance, sort
      of like a high-wire walker using a pole. Lemurs (even with
      those nice opposable thumbs) aren't very good at construct-
      ing balance poles, so they use their tails to swish around,
      maintain balance, and prevent their crashing to the ground.
      Most Lemurs greatly appreciate not crashing to the ground,
      (not to mention its Darwinian survival value) and over time
      they evolved large, bushy tails with extra good swishing
      capability.

      The other reason to have a very long tail is for inter-Lemur
      communications while leeming across the ground. Lemurs
      generally live in social groups. They watch out for one
      another, and have an advantage against predators if the
      group stays together. Some act as look-outs while others
      feed, and so on. When feeding on the ground, especially
      while moving through tall grass, it's easy to get lost from
      the group. A long tail acts as a sort of flagpole. You stick
      your tail in the air, and silently say "Yo! I'm a Lemur, I'm
      over here, stay with me, and everything will be cool". The
      absence of Lemur tails in your general vicinity would tell
      you that you had better leem your butt back to the rest of
      the troop.

      This is why ringtails have rings on their tails. It makes
      them more visible. There is also a theory that the black and
      white coloration works on the same principle as zebra
      stripes. Dazzle whatever is chasing you with a sea of bounc-
      ing/leeming Lemur tails, and maybe he'll miss -- or at least
      maybe he will miss *you*.

      Also, and most important of all, Lemur tails look *really*
      nice.

-----------

(3) Are Robert O'Brien's local Lemurs up to something?

Robert O'Brien states:

      I'm really not very good at interpreting what little commu-
      nication they (the ones that hang out on my patio some
      nights while I'm logged in) deign to give me, but the way I
      understand it, the Lemurs are really the natives, *we* are
      the aliens (rejects, left here by the dominant species on
      our home-world who were tired of all the *whining*) and the
      Lemurs have been trying all this time to reactivate the
      cows' ship and program it to send *us* back, or just about
      anywhere.  But the cover story will be at least as good as
      the Douglas Adams "B Ark" story, so most of us will be very
      happy to go...

      Hmm, I thought they were gone, and it'd be safe to
      type this, but they're back now, and clearly doing
      what passes for a Lemur laugh, so I guess I've been
      taken in again...  one born every minute ...

You be the judge.

-----------

(4) Why do Lemurs spend so much time trying to get their mitts on
credit cards?

Never give a Lemur a credit card.  A checkbook is bad enough, to
be honest, but they go seriously wild with credit cards.  Not only
do baby Lemurs covet them (they open cages like magic if you know
how to use them), but they allow you to buy brand-new Burl Ives
records in quantity off of late-night TV commercials.

-----------

(5) What's this I hear about a 900 number for Lemurs?

An ad posted by Daniel Pawtowski reads, "To listen to the exciting
call of the wild Lemur, simply call 1-900-465-3687 (that's
1-900-GO-Lemur) for only $4.95 for the first minute, 15.95 each
additional minute.  Major credit cards accepted.  Adults only, no
chimpanzees, please."

Alt.fan.lemurs does not vouch for the veracity of this ad.

-----------

(6) Can thinking about Lemurs have positive benefits?

A quote from Douglas Adams' work _So Long and Thanks For All The
Fish_ gives us some hints:
      [Arthur Dent] tried not to think about the ground,
      what an extraordinarily big thing it was and how much
      it would hurt him if it decided to stop hanging there
      and suddenly fell on him.  He tried to think nice
      thoughts about Lemurs instead, which was exactly the
      right thing to do because he couldn't at that moment
      remember precisely what a Lemur was, if it was one of
      those things that sweep in great majestic herds across
      the plains of wherever it was or if that was wilde-
      beests, so it was a tricky kind of thing to think nice
      thoughts about without simply resorting to an icky
      sort of general well-disposedness toward things, and
      all this kept his mind well occupied while his body
      tried to adjust to the fact that it wasn't touching
      anything.

-----------

(7) What did the late historian and humorist Will Cuppy have to say
about lemurs?

      "The Lemur is one worse than the Monkey.  He is often mistaken for
      a squirrel, a rabbit, an Agouti, or anything but a Lemur.  He has
      been described as a state of mind or ectoplasm.  The Lemur is a
      primate because people say so.  The Lemur sleeps all day and
      nobody tells him that he is a tramp.  When disturbed he sort of
      squeaks.  Most Lemurs live in Madagascar, but they are never quite
      warm enough. ... Lemurs comb their hair with their lower front
      teeth. They mature almost instantaneously.  In a way we came from
      lemurs because they are also descended from an extinct Tree Shrew
      something like a large Rat.  From the Tree Shrew to the Dogfish is
      but a step, which practically brings us to the amoeba.  So perhaps
      the lemur is to blame for it all."

-----------

(8) Did Old McDonald have lemurs on his farm?

Apparently so.

>News Flash!
>
>FARMERSVILLE, Nebraska: Wilga Hansworth never imagined the treasure
>hidden in the attic of her farm house in rural Nebraska.  After moving
>an old chest of drawers, she discovered a set of yellowed and hand-
>written sheets of music.  Upon examination, the music was found to be
>the original and complete source of the song "Old MacDonald".  More
>significant was the existence of a new verse, long forgotten and
>possibly never published:
>
>     Old MacDonald had a farm, ee-aye-ee-aye-o,
>     and on that farm he had a lemur, ee-aye-ee-aye-o,
>     with a cheep-cheep here and a frink frink there,
>     here a cheep, there a frink, everywhere a cheep, frink,
>     Old MacDonald had a farm, ee-aye-ee-aye-o.
>
>She is quoted as saying, "I'll be danged if I know what a lemur is."

This news clipping comes to us from Jim Kuiper ([e-mail]).

---------------

(9) How can you tell if you have a lemur problem?

This answer comes to us from Ben Ostrowsky ([e-mail]):

>TOP TEN WAYS OF TELLING YOU HAVE A LEMUR PROBLEM
>================================================
>
>10. Anonymous notes scrawled on napkins, in crayon, and left on the
>   kitchen table, demand two-liter bottles of Big K grape soda.
>9. You wake up every morning only to find your National Geographic
>   collection scattered all over the floor.
>8. Hanging light fixtures begin malfunctioning more often than usual.
>   Small cracks may appear in the ceiling.
>7. All the Twinkies coupons have been torn out of the newspaper and
>   attached to the refrigerator with magnets.
>6. Crude maps of Madagascar are drawn on the bathroom mirror with
>   deodorant.
>5. You wake up in the middle of the night, feeling something hairy
>   brush across your lips -- and you're single.
>4. Lemur-B-Gon billboards in your city or town are often defaced.
>3. A fine powder on the floor turns out to be Kool-Aid mix.  (Note:
>   if it's Purplesaurus Rex, don't assume that lemurs are causing
>   this problem -- it COULD be other small prosimians.  Purplesaurus
>   Rex is a very popular flavor among prosimians.)
>2. A resurgence of early 1980's music on your local radio stations.
>
>And the number one way of telling you have a lemur problem...
>
>1. Neighbors complain that you yell "frink!" during sex and ask you
>   to please be more quiet in the future.


---------------


(10) If a bunch of lemurs infested my dorm room, what would it be like?

Joel Baxter had to suffer through precisely this circumstance:

"Since I moved here to California, I've begun to be plagued by in-
explicable phenomena.  I regularly come back to my room after
class to find the door ajar and the television on, tuned to a National
Geographic special.  Often the refrigerator door is open as well; I
think that my stock of Coca-Cola is slowly diminishing, but, oddly, the
V-8 seems to be untouched.  This has been going on for about a month,
which is disturbing enough in itself, but recently, the strangeness has
begun to escalate.  About a week ago, I began to notice that my Macin-
tosh was also turned on, when I was sure that I had shut it off before
leaving.  Some of my arcade games now have new high scores that I can't
account for, signed only with the letters "CHP".  Two days ago,
to top it all off, I got some angry email claiming that I had made lewd
postings to alt.ptang.

Naturally, I had an angry confrontation with my roommates, who deny
everything. One of them said that it was probably "the lemurs" that did
it, as if that explanation cleared everything up.  I'm wondering if I
should give some credence to this theory, or if I need to immediately
start looking for new roommates.

Besides the obvious worry that at least one of my roommates is playing
sociopathic mind games with me, I'm beginning to be severely frustrated
by the occurrences themselves.  If I find out that all my stamps and
envelopes have been thoroughly pre-licked ^one^ ^more^ ^time^, I think
I'll scream.  So, what do you think?  Are lemurs that prevalent on
Stanford's campus (we do have a lot of vending machines), or in Califor-
nia in general?  Could they be responsible for the things I've been
discovering?  Could a lemur crack my account and post to the usenet
under my name?  And, what might be most incriminating, can a lemur, as
Apple claims, actually learn how to use the Macintosh GUI?


---------------

(11) What if I _wanted_ lemurs around?  How would I arrange that?

Joel Baxter again has some helpful input:

If you actually <want> a lemur presence in your abode, I don't think
that it would be necessary to shell out any cash.  Jugs of Big K Grape
Soda on the doorstep will do nicely.  Or, you might try provoking their
lovable primate curiosity, by posting large signs on your door reading
"ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY NO MADAGASCARIAN PROSIMIANS ALLOWED", or "Note to
Twinkie Deliveryperson: Leave the fourteen Twinkie Econo-Paks (tm) that
I ordered in the kitchen.  Thank you.".


---------------

(12) Has anyone actually sat down and talked with an actual lemur?

Our interviewing staff had occasion to interview a bona fide lemur, one
"Diana," late one night on the Yale campus:

     Q: How did you first discover that you were a lemur?

     A: Well, to start with, I was a net addict. I read alt.geek for a
     long time, because it seemed to be for me. But there was a furry
     bristling of discomfort once in a while; I shiverred at the
     thought of any of these people actually meeting me and discovering
     that I frink and stuff like that. I discovered alt.fan.lemurs by
     accident. I fell from the ceiling late
     one night and hit just the right combination of keys.

     Q: Do you agree with the way in which lemurs are represented in
     a.f.l.?

     A: For now, yes, I find it flattering. I haven't had the luxury of
     a long-term sense of identity which would allow me to criticize my
     own community. Right now I am enjoying this sense of fellowship
     and popularity.

     Q: You talk very much like a human.

     A: Yes, this is a skill I acquired out of necessity. You may
     notice that the language is formal, stilted. I do not find the
     words I need in human language. I stutter in person. People lose
     patience because I take so long to say what I mean. They don't
     understand that there are things I want to say and just can't.
     I've heard humans say stuff like, "I'm speechless," or, "I can't
     find the words to express..." but then they go right on talking,
     apparently undisturbed by this supposed lack of words.

     Q: But you are quite verbose.

     A: To compensate. What have I said so far? Not much, but I come
     across as very talkative, right?

     Q: Do you spy on people at night?

     A: Yes, I love window-peering. I have spied on nearly everyone who
     posts in this group. My observations are quite interesting, but
     again, you don't have the vocabulary for them. Anything I could
     say in your vocabulary is rather dull, something you know already.

     Q: Have you ever wanted to go to Madagascar?

     A: The travel agencies won't sell me a ticket. I'd love to go, but
     I have to wait for the next lemur tour. My first step is to visit
     my North Carolina kin. I'm scared, though.

     Q: Do you see hope for the lemur community in the future?

     A: Why all these questions? I'm not the interviewing type. I'm not
     typical of all lemurs, and you can't see me right now. You have no
     idea what I'm doing. I'm laughing my head off and bouncing up and
     down! And you took all
     this seriously! Ha!

     Q: I think I'm missing the joke.

     A: That's cause the joke's on you! Ha ha ha!!!


     ---------------

(13) What is the "Lemurata"?

Susanna Richardson <[e-mail]> shared "Lemurata" with
us, after finding it typed into her computer late one night when no one
else was around (that she knew of).  Doubtless the "Lemurata" is Wisdom
of the Ages if you're a lemur.

LEMURATA

Swing silently amid the fans & light fixtures, & remember what pleasure
there may be in not having to replace broken bulbs.  Avoid Silent
Lemurs, unless you are in need of skin grafts. Rotate your Twinkie (tm)
supplies, putting the stale ones on top. * Frink warmly of those who
have more Big K than yourself and heed well their nap times: know what
to *ptang* and when. * Consider that two cows never make a lemur, but
that three can kill (if they ever get inside the ship again).  Whenever
possible, dial Madagascar and leave the phone off the hook. * Be
comforted that in the face of all idiotic behaviour by lemmings and
despite the inability of humans to pronounce *ptang* properly, their
credit cards are easy to steal. * Remember the Mooser. * Strive at all
times to Frink, Ptang and WhoooOOOOoooo. * Know yourself.  If you need
help, call the DUPC.  Exercise caution in your nightly 7-11 break-ins,
especially if you use a human look-out. * Be assured that a swing
through the jungles of most humans souls would be a major risk to life
and limb, the tangled undergrowth is unbelievable.  Particularly, stay
away from the id. * Frink therefore with only the lemur with the most
Twinkies (tm).  Accept no Little Debbies (tm). * Gracefully surrender
the things of youth, leeming, little raisins with chocolate, expired
phone cards and Internet access for Nigel.  Let not inferior soda drinks
be served. * Annoy people nightly, screens are for banging. * For a good
time call 555-1212, ask for Hillary. * Take heart amid the deepening
gloom that the hyenas are finally getting enough Cheetos to justify
helping kill the Command Cow: and reflect that whatever misfortune may
be your lot, it could only be worse in Aachen. * You are a leemling of
the Universe; you have no keys to the CowShip, and whether you can hear
it or not, there's a big dark shape in the alley RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!
with glowing eyes and milky breath. * Aieee! * Therefore, make plane
reservations for Annatanarivo right now.  * With all its hopes, dreams,
promises and slash & burn economy the world continues to be a place
where lemurs can get a Twinkie (tm) at 3am.


---------------


(14) What is a Rufous Mouse Lemur?

Joel Baxter points out:

I believe that we should pay more attention to the Rufous Mouse Lemur.
Besides the fact that it's irresistably cute, it seems to me that it has
potential for mischief that its larger brethren may lack.  One Rufous
Mouse Lemur could fit quite nicely through a mail slot, allowing it to
then open the door for the dozen Ringtailed Lemurs, slightly boffoed
after one too many Big K's, that had the sudden urge to set up a
Slip-`n-Slide (tm) in your master bedroom and take turns riding the
carousel of your CD changer.  While a baby lemur could serve this
purpose as well, they tend to be more easily distracted.  A full-grown
Rufous Mouse Lemur is quite a bit brighter, and, (so I've heard) will do
just about anything for a half-ounce hit of Big K.


---------------


(15) Do lemurs get along with other sorts of animals?  Pets, for
example?

Joel Kent Baxter says:

My local lemurs seem to display a contempt, if not downright hostility,
toward domesticated animals.  While we like to think of the lemurs as
cuddly fun-loving creatures, there may be a darker side...  the notes on
my monitor, for instance, seem to indicate a certain condescending
attitude toward dogs.  I've noticed that while the local lemurs get
along quite affably with the campus raccoons, the dogs and cats tend to
give my place (and other infested buildings such as the workstation lab
and the laundry room) a wide berth.  I'm not sure what's going on, but
the noises that I sometimes hear at night (barking intermixed with the
sounds of pruning shears, an outboard motor, and what I believe is a
tennis ball machine) make me think that perhaps I don't really want to
know.

Of course, no one would believe that the lemurs get along with the
raccoons simply because they mistake them for portly ringtails.  I
believe that the lemurs simply don't have any patience for animals that
let themselves get pushed around by humans, and only the raccoons have
enough chutzpah to be on the lemurs' "in" list.  That may be why lemurs
seem to have a proclivity for cow-taunting; after all, the rank and file
of the cowsmonaut descendents are pretty much domesticated by now.  For
those that disagree, I have one word: McDonalds.

---------------

(16) Suppose you were a resident assistant in a college dormitory.  And
suppose you had lemurs living on your hall.  What would that be like?

Matt Rice ([e-mail]) shared his experiences with us:

     A few lemurs live on my floor, and a few more live throughout the
     building.  They aren't allowed to keep bazookas in the rooms.
     This has caused a small controversy in the past, but they've found
     a way around it.  The lemurs have started building catapults.
     They're very accurate with them, actually.  I've had to ask them
     to cool it more than once when they started bombing the residence
     halls on the other side of campus.  Who would have thought that
     stale twinkies could maim?

     And as far as tripping over them on my way to the shower, that
     doesn't happen.  BUT, when I'm doing my nightly rounds, I have had
     to tell them to stop swinging from the ceiling lights.  (I know
     they just get right back up there when I'm gone, but it's the
     principle).

     The biggest complaint they have is the student commisary doesn't
     sell Big K grape soda.  The shipping charges for two liter bottles
     is enormous, so mail order is out of the question.  They've been
     substituting Barq's root beer, but I can tell they don't like it
     very much.

     Also, I've noticed they won't use the nearest convenience store.
     It is called "Wa-wa," and is a fairly large chain in the north-
     east.  As far as I can tell, it's a rather nasty word in Lemurese,
     and they refuse to shop there.  They even refuse to talk about it.
     Everytime one of the human residents says "I'm making a Wa-wa run,
     anyone want anything?" when he/she is gone, the lemurs hack into
     their computer accounts and start a flame war in talk.abortion.
     It's not a pretty sight.

     Unfortunately, there is little respect for our furry residents.
     Some humans even deny their existence.  One even went so far as to
     blame her missing CD-ROM disc loader on elves, when any fool knows
     that the lemurs were using it to find out what happens when you
     load Peter Gabriel CDs into the NTIS CD database.  (It was return-
     ed, by the way.)

     Lemurs had to adapt to dorm life, since most rooms don't have
     lights in the ceilings, only floor lamps.  There are, however,
     sprinkler pipes that hang down a good foot and a half from the
     ceiling.  The human residents dry their laundry or hang their
     bikes on these (the laundry is ok, the bikes aren't).  The lemurs
     swing from them like nobody's business.  The most complaintes come
     from residents at 3:00 am when the lemurs start banging on them
     with spoons they 'liberated' from the dining hall.  Has something
     to do with what the home shopping network offers as a special...


---------------

(17) Are there lemurs in, say, Central Europe?

Frank McPherson went backpacking in Europe in 1992 and had the following
experience, which tends to answer "yes" to the above question:

     I had just spent a week in rural Hungary and was absolutely dying
     for a real live western candybar when I returned to Vienna,
     Austria.  I left the u-bahn station and headed towards the center
     of town, stopping in the first grocery store I came to.  I im-
     mediately became enamoured with and bought a package of six or
     eight Bounty candybars.  I'm pretty sure I only got to eat one of
     them.

     The theft happened later that evening.  I was walking down a small
     street, trying to remember where the hostel I had reserved a room
     in was located.  I kept hearing strange THUD sounds surrounded by
     a laughter I'd never heard before coming from a lighted, open
     window up ahead.  Every once in a while, I could swear it looked
     like a kitchen light with a small monkey would swing madly out the
     window, reach the top of its arc, and swing back through the
     window, accompanied by gales of the strange laughter.  When I
     approached the window to see what was going on, something furry
     jumped on my head and covered my eyes.  After it jumped off, I
     ran.  When I finally calmed down enough to realize I was not in
     any danger, I reached in my backpack to get a Bounty to further
     calm my nerves.  They were gone.

     It makes sense that the Lemurs like Vienna.  It's warm in the
     summer, with a booming tourist trade, and a LOT of junkfood.  Do
     you think they ever attend the Staatsoper?  The Wiener Philhar-
     moniker?  I bet they like Beethoven....

---------------

(18) What about in England?  Any lemurs there?

Mike Knell quoth:

     Lemurs are, as far as I can tell, rare in Britain. The lack of
     Twinkies is the exact same thing that keeps many Lemurs away.
     There are a few notable exceptions though - Arthur the City Lemur
     is a well-known sight amongst merchant bankers, with his unique
     pin-striped ringed tail. I can think of no credible British
     substitute for the Twinkie (although I've never had one, the
     descriptions are very graphic). Would a Lemur like a
     Crunchie?

     Big K is totally unobtainable, possibly some of the generic
     supermarket brand fizzy orange/blackcurrant drinks would suffice.
     Having said that, I've heard rumours of a corner shop in Solihull
     that sells Twinkies, so there may be a change to come. Britain may
     be on the verge of a major Lemur invasion if the correct food
     becomes available. Keep the ceiling lights though. Displaying your
     National Geographic collection prominently in your window should
     also encourage Lemurs, especially if you leave the ones with
     articles about Madagascar at the front.

     There are also disturbing numbers of Cows in Britain. The black-
     and-white ones are especially worth watching out for, but then to
     my knowledge the Terror Cow has never been sighted here, for-
     tunately.

     It's good to see that people in Britain are also taking Lemurs
     seriously. To be hit by a wave of Lemurs arriving through Heathrow
     without being prepared at all could be devastating for the coun-
     try's junk food supply. Watch out for those Hungarian piccolo
     players appearing at airports.


---------------


(19) Write a story about lemurs following the Edward Bulwer-Lytton "dark
and stormy night" style for me, please?

     It was a dark and stormy night.  Melanie and I walked slowly down
     the hill, picking our way among the boulders.  It was our first
     trip to this part of the country, and we were truly in awe of the
     vast natural beauty that surrounded us.  Huge pillars of stone
     towered above us, stretching up cliffs rising hundreds of feet
     into the air.  Wow.

     As the storm picked up, we stopped under an overhang and watched
     as Mother Nature battered the countryside with biting, driven rain
     and powerful blasts of lightning.  Slowly, I pulled a Twinkie from
     my jacket.

     Before I could offer it to Melanie, however, a small furry thing
     swung down from above and landed before me.  It was a lemur, and
     it wanted my Twinkie.  My worst nightmares were coming true.  As I
     was backed up against the cliff, there was no place to run.  I
     tried to lateral the Twinkie to Melanie, but the lemur was just
     too quick.  It snatched the snack from midair and leapt away.  It
     stared at me for a moment, said "Frink", and was gone forever.

     After a while of standing in silence, Melanie and I turned and
     continued our trek down the mountainside.  It was only then that I
     noticed the absence of my grape soda.

     Thanks be to Tob Wood for that Lemur Gothic story.

---------------

(20) What did Nigel the Lemur do to Dick Depew of ARMM fame?

     From: [e-mail] (Nigel the Lemur)
     Newsgroups: alt.fan.dick-depew,alt.fan.lemurs
     Subject: Re: fan??!!
     Date: 9 Apr 93 05:19:55 GMT
     Organization: The World Public Access UNIX, Brookline, MA

     In article <[e-mail]> [e-mail] (Richard M.
     Hartman) writes:
     >Nigel!  There's a bunch of TWINKIES stashed in Dick's hard
     drive....

     *TWINKIES*  mmmmmmmmm

     <sounds follow that _could_ be those made by a hungry lemur
     ripping the plastic and metal shell of Depew's computer open and
     discovering the Twinkies concealed within>

     snarf snarf snarf snarf snarf

     <sounds follow that _could_ be those made by a sated lemur stuff-
     ing the empty Twinkie wrappers neatly inside the ruined hard drive
     and leaving>


---------------

(21) Who is LEMORO?

LEMORO is the fictional creation of Jeffrey Klein ([e-mail]).

     Dr Dooley Banner, theorizing that the true potential of sponge
     cake could be unlocked by gamma radiation, exposes a Twinkie to
     the lethal rays!  Jeff Klein, shiftless layabout, unwittingly
     consumes the golden confection, causing his very CELLULAR PATTERN
     to be IRREVOCABLY ALTERED!  He is now --

     LEMORO, the LEMUR that WALKS like a MAN!!!!!

     With a purposeful grimace and a terrible 'frink'
       He chugs down a bottle of Big K grape drink -- LEMORO!

       Helpless cows in a big cow ship
       Scream as his bug-eyes look into it -- LEMORO!

       He picks up a Twinkie and he throws it over his shoulder
       As he wades through the aisles to the center of Kroger

       Oh no, they say he's got to go, go go LEMORO!
       Oh no, there goes a Ho-Ho, go go LEMORO!

       History shows, then and now
       How lemurs point up the folly of cows

     LEMORO has starred in a series of films, such as LEMORO VS KOW
     KONG, LEMORO LET DIE, IT'S A WONDERFUL LEMORO, and SHE'S GOTTA
     HAVE LEMORO.

-----------

Lemur Humor is continued in Part 3 of the FAQ, "Part 3 of 7 -- Lemur
Humor Part Three."


  ------------------------------------------------------------------
  Prepared January 31, 1993 by Joel Furr, [e-mail]
  Revised February 15, 1993 by Joel Furr, [e-mail]
    Revised April 5, 1993 by Joel Furr, [e-mail]
     Revised July 6, 1993 by Joel Furr, [e-mail]
       Revised August 2, 1994 by Joel Furr, [e-mail]





Path: senator-bedfellow.mit.edu!faqserv
From: [e-mail] (Joel K. Furr)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.lemurs,alt.answers,news.answers
Subject: alt.fan.lemurs: Frinkquently Asked Questions (Part 3 of 7, Lemur Humor Part Three)
Supersedes: <lemur-faq/[e-mail]>
Followup-To: alt.fan.lemurs
Date: 21 Jun 1995 11:18:44 GMT
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Message-ID: <lemur-faq/[e-mail]>
References: <lemur-faq/[e-mail]>
NNTP-Posting-Host: bloom-picayune.mit.edu
Summary: This posting contains a list of Frequently Asked Questions (and the best answers we got) about Lemurs.  It should be read by anyone who wishes to post to the alt.fan.lemurs newsgroup.
X-Last-Updated: 1995/02/08
Originator: [e-mail]
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Archive-name: lemur-faq/part3
Alt-fan-lemurs-archive-name: lemur-faq/part3
Last-modified: 1994/08/02
Version: 4.0

    Official USENET Alt.Fan.Lemurs Frinkquently Asked Questions
               Part 3 of 7  -- Lemur Humor Part Three

------------------------------

                           The Questions

(1) How can you catch a ringtailed lemur?
(2) Is Joel Furr the new Messiah?
(3) What is MAKE.TWINKIES.FAST?
(4) Do lemurs like to make prank phone calls?
(5) How did Ben Ostrowsky spend his summer vacation?
(6) How did Vance Kochenderfer spend his summer vacation?
(7) How did Walter Scheuermann spend his summer vacation?
(8) What happened to the case of Big K grape soda that was supposed to be
      awarded to the person who wrote the best How I Spent My Summer Vacation
      essay?
(9) Are there any comic books devoted to lemurs?
(10) Are there any musicals devoted to lemurs?
(11) Can lemurs masquerade as humans?
(12) How do lemurs taste?
(13) Is it a good idea to hire lemurs to do odd jobs around the house?
(14) What are the offspring of lemurs called?
(15) What exciting new shopping experiences await the lemur of tomorrow?

The FAQ continues into Part 4, Lemurs Versus Cows.


------------------------------

                             The Answers


(1) How can you catch a ringtailed lemur?

Tom Cikoski ([e-mail]) wrote:

A short time ago I posted a report on a trip to the Trevor Zoo at the
Millbrook School in New York.  I noted that their ringtail had
adopted a Zonker-like pose high on the wall of his room, catching the
late afternoon rays.

Yesterday I was flipping thru a book on lemurs when, lo and behold,
there's a picture of a ringtail in exactly the same pose!  I had been
thinking that the Millbrook ringtail was some cool character, but in
fact Zonker-behavior is a characteristic of the species.

So, this changes somewhat the recommended method for catching any
ringtails that might be in your neighborhood.

1. If no natural sunbeams are available, set up a sun lamp in a
likely spot.

2. Provide a place for the ringtail to sit in the fashion of a
sunbather at the beach.  You might want to make a small canvas beach
chair or chaise lounge. Make sure it has arms on it for the lemur to
stretch out.

3. You might want to set out some Big K Grape and a few Twinkies, but
I gather that the chance to improve the tan will be a greater attrac-
tion than any snack.

4. A portable radio tuned to an EZ listening station is a nice added
touch.

5. Definitely do NOT put out a pair of Foster Grants.  He wants to
see those rays unhindered.

6. Wait patiently for a ringtail.

Let me know how you fare.  Since I can drive for half-hour and see a
ringtail catching rays I won't need to set this trap myself.

-----------

(2) Is Joel Furr the new Messiah?

Strange though it may seem, this question HAS come up on alt.fan.lemurs.  The
only answer that has been offered was posted by Vance Kochenderfer:

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the Lemur of Death, I shall
fear no evil; thy Twinkies and thy ceiling fans, they comfort me."

Apparently this is part of some obscure creed which lemurs follow.

-----------

(3) What is MAKE.TWINKIES.FAST?

  Newsgroups: alt.fan.lemurs
  From: [e-mail] (Torsten Wesley Adair)
  Subject: MAKE.TWINKIES.FAST
  Date: Sun, 21 Nov 1993 20:41:43 GMT

  If you're curious, take a second and read this...

  Dear Friend,

  My name is Ignatz Frozzlschnotz.  In September 1988, my car was
  repossesed, and the bill collectors were hounding me like you
  wouldn't believe.  I was laid off, and my unemployment checks had run
  out.  The only escape I had from the pressure of failure was my
  computer and my modem.  I longed to turn my advocation into my
  vocation.

  In October 1988, I received a letter in the mail telling me how I
  could earn 50,000 Twinkies or more whenever I wanted.  I was
  naturally very skeptical and threw the letter on the desk next to my
  computer.  It's funny though, when you're desperate and backed into a
  corner, your mind does crazy things.  I spent a frustating day
  looking through the want ads for a job with a future.  The pickings
  were sparse at best.  That night I tried to unwind by booting my
  computer and calling several bulletin boards.  I read several of the
  message posts and then glanced at the letter next to the computer.
  All at once it came to me.  I now had the key to my dreams.

  I realized that with the power of the computer, I could expand and
  enhance this pleasure making formula into the most unbelievable food
  generator that has ever been created.  I substituted the computer
  bulletin boards in place of the post office and electronically did by
  computer what others were doing 100% by mail.  Now only a few letters
  are mailed manually.  Most of the hard work is speedily downloaded to
  other bulletin boards throughout the world.  If you believe that
  someday you deserve that lucky break that you have waited for all
  your life, then simply follow the diections below.  Your dreams
  will come true.

  Sincerely yours,

  Ignatz Frozzlscnotz

   -- INSTRUCTIONS --

  Follow these directions EXACTLY, and in 20 to 60 days, you will have
  received well over 50,000 Twinkies, all yours.  This program has
  remained successful because of the HONESTY and INTEGRITY of the
  participants.  Please continue its success by carefully adhering to
  the instructions.  Welcome to the world of Mail Order!  This little
  business is a little different than most mail order houses.  Your
  product is not sold or tangible, but rather a service.  You are
  a business of developing Mailing Lists.  Many large corporations are
  happy to pay big bucks for quality lists (the money made from the
  mailing lists is secondary to the Twinkies which are received from
  people like yourself requesting that they be included in that list).

  [1] Immediately mail one Twinkie to the first five (5) names listed
  below starting at number 1 and going through number 5.  Send Twinkies
  only please (total investment is five Twinkies).  Enclose a note with
  each letter stating "Please add my name to your mailing list".  (This
  is a legitimate service that you are requesting, and you are paying
  one Twinkie for this service).

  [2] Remove the name that appears at number 1 on the list.  Move the
  other 9 names up one position.  (Number 2 will become number 1, and
  number 3 will become number 2, etc.).  Place your name, address, and
  zip code in the number 10 position.

  [3] Post the new letter with your name in the number 10 position into
  ten(10) separate bulletin boards in the message base or to the file
  section, call the file MAKE.TWINKIES.FAST.

  [4] Within 60 days, you will receive over 50,000 TWINKIES.  Keep a
  copy of this file yourself so that you can use it again whenever you
  need money.  As soon as you mail out these letters, you are
  automatically in the mail order business, and people are sending you
  a Twinkie to be placed on your mailing list.  This list can be then
  be rented to a list broker that can be found in the Yellow Pages for
  additional income on a regular basis.  This list will become more
  valuable as it grows in size.  This is a service.  This is perfectly
  legal.  If you have any doubts, refer to Title 18, Section 1302 &
  1341 of the postal lottery laws.

  NOTE:  Make sure you retain EVERY name and address sent to you,
  either on computer or hard copy.  Do not discard the names and notes
  they send you.  This is PROOF that you are truly providing a service,
  and should the IRS or any other government agency question you, you
  can provide them with this proof!

  Remember, as each post is downloaded and the instructions carefully
  followed, five members will be reimbursed for their participation as
  a List Developer with one Twinkie each.  Your name will move up the
  list geometrically so that when your name reaches the number 5
  position, you will be receiving thousands of Twinkies.

   -- NAMES --

   1.  Elisha Lansman MB
       1087 Brandeis University
       Waltham,  MA  02254-9110

   2.  Dmitri Linde
       744 Mayfield Ave.
       Stanford, CA   94305

   3.  Claude Suddreth
       131 W. Jackson
       South Sapulpa, OK   74066

   4.  Lirong Chen
       124 Stanton Ave. Apt. 6
       Ames, IA   50014

   5.  Angel Negron
       Box 4583
       USAFA, CO   80841

   6.  Hugh MacMullan
       19 Skylonda Dr.
       Woodside, CA   94062

   7.  Scott MacFarland
       1224 E. Lemon #144
       Tempe, AZ   85281

   8.  Kevin Trigger
       125 Honeysuckle Dr.
       Boalsburg, PA   16827

   9.  Rich Wood
       113 Keenan Hall
       Notre Dame, IN   46556-5615

  10.  Torsten Adair
       9319 Meadow Drive
       Omaha, NE  68114-2230

-----------

(4) Do lemurs like to make prank phone calls?

Yes. Here's one true account posted by an alt.fan.lemurs reader, Malinda
McCall ([e-mail]) who was apparently targeted by her
local lemurs.  Malinda, take it away:

  This really happened! Truly!

  >RING!< >RING!< >RING!<

  ME: Hello?

  CALLER: whooooooo frink

  ME: Who is this?

  CALLER: cheepcheepcheep whoo FRINK!

  ME: Is this Eric? I told you, I am not interested. I have a
  boyfriend!

  CALLER: FRINK?

  ME: Yes, frink, and often.

  CALLER: whoo whoo

  ME: Who is that? This is getting annoying.

  CALLER: chirp cheepcheep whooo-frink hssss cheep

  ME: No, I don't have Prince Albert in a can.

  CALLER: whoo. :(

  ME: WHat was that last bit?

  CALLER: :(

  ME: Oh, an inaudible sigh of regret. Say, I have to go to work
  tomorrow, and it is three a.m., so let's cut this short---

  CALLER: frink chirp?

  ME: No, they are white, actually, but I do own some frilly black
  ones. HEY! Cut that out!

  CALLER: cheep cheep cheep whoooo frink

  ME: You must have the wrong number. There is no "Hillary" here.

  CALLER: Frink frink frink whooooooOOOOOoo

  ME: I am positive.

  CALLER: hsssst whoooooo FRINK, whoo whooo chirp.

  ME: My refrigerator is fine, if that is what you mean.

  CALLER: Frink whoo whoo?

  ME: I don't need siding.

  CALLER: Whoo?

  ME: Nope, I have an encyclopaedia.

  CALLER: Chirp chirp whooo

  ME: Time share? I don't exactly have any extra cash to throw away,
  no.

  CALLER: Whoo whooo cheep cheep cheep

  ME: I can't support Perot, the elction is over.

  CALLER: Whoo Cheep Cheep?

  ME: There is no Seymour Butts here.

  CALLER: whooo frink?

  ME: No, there is no Jack Mehoff either.

  CALLER: whooo frink cheep cheep chirp

  ME: I gave at the office.

  CALLER: whooo whooo cheep cheep

  ME: I think I am already 'saved', thank you. Isn't three a.m. a bad
  time to call folks for your church?

  CALLER: whooo frink cheep

  ME: Why yes, I do have a large quantity of delicious grape-flavored
  chemical-enhanced soda!

  CALLER: WHOOOOOO FRINK??

  ME: No, no Twinkies, but I do have lots of Little Debbie Swiss Rolls
  and  Ho-Ho's.

  CALLER: whooo frink, cheep?

  ME: It is a lovely chandelier, an antique. It lights the place up
  nicely.

  CALLER: whoo frink frink whoo?

  ME: Why would you want to know if I had a cat? I used to, and I
  should really get around to sealing the cat door, but I've been very busy.

  CALLER: hssss frink!

  Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
  zz...

  ME: Hello?

  ME: Hello?

  ME: I think the little cretin hung up.

  [An hour later]

  ME: What the hell is that racket down in my kitchen??

  Malinda

So watch what you say to any lemurs that call you on the telephone.

-----------

(5) How did Ben Ostrowsky spend his summer vacation?

  Taking physics.  Here's his account:

  Sophomore physics is boring, sometimes.  When I realized I'd be
  spending my summer working out problems about pendulums and such,
  I promised myself that I'd have some fun... no matter what.

  Lemur Philosophy, lesson one:  There's nothing so bad it can't be
  made better by being silly and self-indulgent.

  At first, the homework I turned in was done precisely according to
  the book. Occasionally, I'd state a formula and attribute it to
  Frink, but aside from that there was strictly no goofing about.
  The class was intended to cover a semester's material in six
  weeks.

  As the class progressed rapidly, the questions began to change.
  When quoting problems from the book, I would write in a different,
  but similar, situation.

  One problem asks:

  "A hunter points his rifle at a monkey which is in a tree.  As the
  hunter fires, the monkey lets go of his branch and begins falling.
  Will the bullet hit the monkey?"

  The answer is yes.  The question, however, is rather boring.  When
  I wrote up the problem, I wrote:

  "A lemur is swinging from a chandelier.  His companion is about to
  use a slingshot to deliver a Twinkie to the lemur on the chande-
  lier.  The slingshot is pointed directly at the swinging lemur.
  As his friend lets go of the Twinkie, the first lemur goes into
  his dismount and begins falling.  Will the lemur catch the
  Twinkie?"

  The answer I gave was a proper theoretical argument.  At the end,
  I added:

  "And, of course, there's nothing that can keep a lemur from a
  Twinkie."

  I got an A on that homework...

------------

(6)  How did Vance Kochenderfer spend his summer?

Vance Kochenderfer ([e-mail]) wrote:

What did I do on my  summer vacation?  Well, not much, although I
managed to spend a lot of money on a car that is now dead.  I also
spent a lot of time thinking about getting a permanent job.  Not too
much lemur-related stuff going on.  The pool party was fun, but
all of the filters are clogged with fur now and I don't think I'll
ever be able to remove all the Big K Grape stains.  Then J. Arthur
Lemur threatened to sue me because he slipped and hit his head on
the diving board even though it was his own damn fault for trying
to do a triple somersault with a half twist when he knew as well
as anyone he couldn't do anything with a degree of difficulty over
3.8.

But they're gone now, apparently back to Virginia Tech to try and
sell elevator passes and tickets to the pool on the roof to the
new freshpeople.

------------

(7) How did Walter Scheuermann spend his summer vacation?

Walter Scheuermann ([e-mail])
wrote:

My holidays were once again spent on the British Isles normally
noted only for their Cow population and not for a high concentra-
tion of Lemurs.  Well you have to admit it's not easy to bring a
Lemur to Britain, if you smuggle them they  tend to shout frink at
very inconvenient moments and steal the officers wallets, very
embarrassing. Quarantine is no alternative, if you ever tried to
get a Lemur into quarantine you'll probably know what I'm talking
about.

Well as my journey was coming to an end I had a very strange
experience, it all happened on the Intercity Edinburgh to London
Kings Cross. I boarded the train in Newcastle, not knowing what
was waiting for me and only about 2 miles to Durham it happened.
Suddenly the train came to a halt, first I didn't realize this as
something special but as the conductor reported technical problems
I started to wonder.

After about 1/2 hour of staring out of the window I noticed the
complete lack of farm animals in the area especially Cows. I asked
the conductor whether the train was transporting anything else
then travellers and he told me that there were two more wagons
carrying a load of Twinkies and Grape Soda of unknown value and
suddenly everything became clear to me. I headed for the buffet
wagon and asked for some Grape Soda and as expected the vendor
told me that he had only beer and hot drinks left, another clue to
support my thoughts. I started to watch the repairmen and noticed
that one of them had a black and white tail hanging out of his
pants. The whole operation Big K only took about 3 hours to
complete on our train.

Unfortunately I was not able to leave the train because they had
manipulated the electronics. A smaller group used the resulting
chaos to rob the station kiosks of Durham and Darlington blind of
any candy bars.

------------

(8) What happened to the case of Big K grape soda that was supposed
to be awarded to the person who wrote the best How I Spent My Summer
Vacation essay?

Richard Hartman ([e-mail]) wrote:

In article <[e-mail]> [e-mail] (Joel
Furr) writes:
>I've still got that case of Big K Grape Soda that I bought to award to the
>person who posted the funniest What My Lemurs Did Over Summer Vacation
>article, and since only two people said anything and neither was funny,
>it's still waiting for a winner.

Examine that case carefully.  This may be an empty claim.  According
to all reports my lemurs' summer project was to infiltrate and claim
the prize prior to it's awarding.

They tunnelled up under the crate and used high speed drills to tap
into the bottles from underneath without breaking the glass.  Then
they just stood in the tunnels with their little mouths wide open
to slurp up the prize.  There was only a little pushing and shoving
since there were almost enough soda streams for them all (although
it did take little Joseph a few days to get his fur all un-sticky).

So, everyone out there, beware!  The LGSST (Lemur Grape Soda Strike Team)
has been blooded and is thirsty for more action!

More to the point, there is no prize left to compete for, so save your
entries, 'twill be for naught!

(Joel: as proof that the LGSST was actually there, they say that you
should take down that tacky "dogs playing poker" wall hanging....)


------------


(9) Are there any comic books devoted to lemurs?

Well, possibly.  Some time back, Jeffrey Klein wrote:

  Yes, friends, VaporComix is pleased to announce the launching
  of the world's first lemur anthology comic series,

   ---LEMURS-A-GO-GO!---

  Preview of issue #1:

  [] Fans of all-out action will thrill to the riotous return of
  the priemier prosimian pugilist, the monstrous Madagascarite,
  LEMORO, the LEMUR who WALKS like a MAN!  In his latest reign
  of terror, Lemoro must face the bovine Brodbignagian, KOW KONG!

  [] Pablo Picasso, Norman Rockwell, Ernest Hemingway and Elliot
  Ness will be just a few of the guest stars in a series detailing
  the early adventures of the lemur whose name IS adventure, in
  THE YOUNG INDRI-ANA JONES CHRONICLES!

  [] We begin our tribute to the great American actor James Stewart
  with MR. LEMUR GOES TO WASHINGTON, the story of a mild-mannered
  gentle lemur who accidentaly finds himself in the U.S. Congress!
  Soon, he sets to rid Washington of corruption by staring at
  politicians with his huge, baleful eyes and pointing at them
  with his long, bony, accusing finger!  Dir: Frink Capra.

  Well, that's what we have planned for the first issue of
  LEMURS-A-GO-GO, and all of us here at VaporComix hope you
  go out and pick up a copy Real Soon Now!  We look forward
  to your feedback!

------------

(10) Are there any musicals devoted to lemurs?

Many.  Lemurs are highly musical beasts, you know.

Sue Miller, noted playwright, shared with us part of the libretto from "Lemur
Side Story":

  The wildly popular lemur musical Lemur Side Story opens to the
  sound of cud chewing and hooves clicking.  The cows are discussing
  herd politics.

        When you're a cow, you're a cow all the way,
        From your first slurp of milk to your last bale of hay!
        When you're a cow, someone hears when you moo --
        You've got your herd around, you're gregarious too!

        The cowship is here!  The bovine plan's succeedin'.
        You lemurs frink off, 'cause every cow's proceedin' ...
        The herd's stampedin'!

  Meanwhile, our hero, the ringtailed lemur, has just met his true
  love.  Alas, she is of the wrong species.

        The most beautiful sound I ever heard:
        Sifahka, sifahka, sifahka, sifahka...
        All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word:
        Sifahka, sifahka, sifahka, sifahka...

        Sifahka!
        I just met a Coquerel's Sifahka.
        And suddenly I found Twinkies wrappers all around my floor!
        Sifahka!
        A cute little fuzzy sifahka
        Will bang on all my screens, and hog the whole big screen TV!

        Sifahka.  Say it loud and the cow's will get you.
        Say it soft and they'll never forget you.

        Sifahka.  I'll swing all night long with Sifahkas.

  WHAT WILL BECOME OF OUR LOVERS?
        WILL TRUE LOVE TRIUMPH OVER EVOLUTION?

  OR WILL THE BOVINE PLOT DESTROY THEIR
        HAPPINESS ALONG WITH THE REST OF THE WORLD?

  AND WHAT ABOUT THOSE MYSTERIOUS SHAPES IN THE SKY?

------------

(11) Can lemurs masquerade as humans?

Christopher Hoskins ([e-mail]) wrote:

My roommate and myself now suspect that there is a lemur hiding here in
our dorm under the guise of a MTU student.  We have conclusive proof of
him begging for a twinkie while he was sleeping.  HIS roommate captured
this vital evidence on tape.  An interesting happenstance, if you ask
me.  It could be coincidence, but then again, you can never be too safe
when you have a stash of twinkies in the room.

What tests should we perform now to gather conclusive evidence that he is
really a lemur in sheep's clothing?

------------

(12) How do lemurs taste?

Bill Sellers ([e-mail]) supplied the answer when this
question came up:

In article <[e-mail]> [e-mail] writes:
>Nice place. I think I will visit more often.
>How do lemurs Taste?

With their sharp little teeth and questing tongues.  How do you taste?

------------

(13)  Is it a good idea to hire lemurs to do odd jobs around the house?

Apparently not.

The Crafts Lady ([e-mail]) wrote:

Help!

Last month, we hired a lemur to do odd jobs around the house -
jobs so odd only a lemur could do them. He would polish the
insides of our shoes, wax the ceilings, and vacuum the lawn. They
are remarkably well suited to this sort of work, and we were very
satisfied with his performance.

Unfortunately, our daughter fed the lemur some leftover fried
chicken after school one day and he has acquired quite a taste for
the food. He now eats between five and six pounds of fried chicken
a day, pausing only to belch and stretch while the spent carcass
is removed from his plate and another delivered by a family
member. My wife no longer has time for housekeeping and our house
has gradually become a frowsy shambles. Rats nest in the pantry,
and the roof may collapse soon. I hate to say it, but I believe
the lemur has outlasted his welcome in our home.

Have any readers of this newsgroup ever dismissed a lemur from
domestic service? Since they are endangered, are there any special
procedures that must be followed? I would prefer to break the news
gently, as I do not want to hurt his feelings, and I do not relish
the prospect of having my esophagus removed by the arboreal
nocturnal mammal and used as a stylish fashion accessory (as this
is a leading cause of death I understand in Madagascar, if ever
there was one) as you can well imagine.

------------

(14) What are the offspring of lemurs called?

Bill Sellers ([e-mail]) wrote:

Spurred on by the ever-helpful Rachel Perkins, I am posting a series of
possible names for that which is not yet named, to wit, the offspring of
lemurs.  What shall they be called as individuals, and what as a litter?

Here are some possibilities.

Category              Single                  Several
~~~~~~~~              ~~~~~~                  ~~~~~~~
Ultra-cute            lemlet, lemlette        fluff

Cute                  lemurling               bundle

Neutral               young                   litter

Not very cute         sprog                   heap

Bizarre               gruntling               packet

Usenet                troll                   kibo


------------

(15) What exciting new shopping experiences await the lemur of tomorrow?

Torsten Adair ([e-mail]) wrote:

As I was reading the Sunday edition of the Omaha World-Herald this
morning, I came across a short article and photo describing the
construction of a new "Super K" store in Lincoln, Nebraska.  This
store is owned by the K-Mart Corporation, and has nothing to do
with the Circle K stores.

However, according to the article, these new stores will combine
grocery stores and K-Mart stores, and will be arranged thematical-
ly, so that baby strollers will be located near baby food and
diapers.  Thus, it will be even easier for Lemurs to locate
necessary items, such as Twinkies, grape soda, electronics,
and fusion generators.  I doubt that these stores will use the
swinging fluorescent lamps found in most stores, but the recessed
ceiling panels should allow Lemurs even easier access to most
parts of the store, concealed behind the foam panels, crawling
along the wiring and asbestos-free pipes.

The article did mention two Super-Ks in Ohio, one of which is in
Medina.  Would anyone care to report on the architecture, layout,
and security systems used in the Super-Ks?

------------

The FAQ continues into Part 4, "Part 4 of 7 -- Lemurs Versus Cows."

  ------------------------------------------------------------------
       Revised August 2, 1994 by Joel Furr, [e-mail]





Path: senator-bedfellow.mit.edu!faqserv
From: [e-mail] (Joel K. Furr)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.lemurs,alt.cows.moo.moo.moo,alt.answers,news.answers
Subject: alt.fan.lemurs: Frinkquently Asked Questions (Part 4 of 7, Lemurs Versus Cows)
Supersedes: <lemur-faq/[e-mail]>
Followup-To: alt.fan.lemurs
Date: 21 Jun 1995 11:18:46 GMT
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Message-ID: <lemur-faq/[e-mail]>
References: <lemur-faq/[e-mail]>
NNTP-Posting-Host: bloom-picayune.mit.edu
Summary: This FAQ posting details the ugly truth behind the Lemur-Cow feud.
X-Last-Updated: 1995/02/08
Originator: [e-mail]
Xref: senator-bedfellow.mit.edu alt.fan.lemurs:4406 alt.cows.moo.moo.moo:140 alt.answers:10109 news.answers:46772

Archive-name: lemur-faq/part4
Alt-fan-lemurs-archive-name: lemur-faq/part4
Last-modified: 1994/08/06
Version: 4.0

    Official USENET Alt.Fan.Lemurs Frinkquently Asked Questions
                 Part 4 of 7  -- Lemurs Versus Cows

This posting contains the ugly truth behind the Lemur-Cow feud.

------------------------------

                           The Questions

(1) What's the story about these Lemurs I occasionally see flying
     past my window?
(2) How come the Lemurs can get onto the cow starship when the
     cows themselves can't get back in?
(3) What is the Terror Cow?
(4) What is the Cowship Investigation Agency?
(5) Is Allan Murphy actually a cow?
(6) Has anyone besides Allan had these weird cow experiences?
(7) What was the so-called "Last Report of Agent North By North-
     west?"
(8) Where can I get weapons to fend off the Cows?
(9) Have Microsoft and IBM been infiltrated by the Cows?
(10) Have the cows tried any clever new strategies?
(11) Are the lemurs actually stringing the cows along, laughing
     from the shadows while the cows fumble about on their mad
     dreams of world domination?
(12) What are all these cow-related things doing in a lemurs
     newsgroup?


------------------------------

                            The Answers


(1) What's the story about these Lemurs I occasionally see flying past
my window?

When you see a Lemur fly past your window, odds are that it was
one of the Lemurs trying out the new anti-grav packs they've
"borrowed" from the cows' ship. [We refer here to the Cow Ship
rumored to be hidden somewhere in the fields around Blacksburg,
Virginia, the ship that the ancestors of all cows traveled to this
planet in before losing the key and locking themselves out) The
anti-grav packs used to be horseshoe-mounted, with four to a cow.
But as individual units, they'll lift a Lemur quite nicely.  Of
course, they are programmed to accept verbal cow commands, so the
Lemurs have to "Moo" to fly with them.

Lemur hackers are at this very moment trying to reprogram the
anti-grav packs to accept commands in Lemur-ese, a job complicated
by the cows' practice of programming all their equipment with a
powerful Multiple-Object-Oriented (MOO) language.  The Lemur
hackers are attempting to install a highly technical form of
Lemur-ese: from what we hear, there are 3 separate words they're
trying to install for one command:

      * the first, or "prefrink", command, is the action (what the
      Lemur wants to happen)
      * the second, or "cofrink", command, is the recipient of the
      action (e.g., if the prefrink is "attack" [in Lemur-ese, of
      course], the cofrink would be, for example, Daniel
      Pawtowski, to pick a name at random)
      * the third word, or "postfrink", is similar to what in
      English we call an adverb.  Example, "fly Tulsa _quickly_"
      (translated from Lemur-ese).  Or, "attack store _nuclear_."

-----------

(2) How come the Lemurs can get onto the cow starship when the cows
themselves can't get back in?

Lemurs are much smaller and more agile than the cows, so they've
managed to unbolt the grates over the intakes for the scramjets
and gain access to the ship's interior via the engineering
crawlways.  They love to sit up on the bridge, staring through the
windows at all the surrounding cows with their big eyes.  This, of
course, annoys the cows to no end.  Luckily for them, though, the
main systems cannot be activated by a Lemur, as they are keyed to
the security codes imbedded into the forward hooves of the Command
Cows.

The worrying thing is this: what happens if the Lemurs find a way
to hotwire the main weapons panels?  Without access to the power
systems the guns would only be at about one-tenth power but still,
that could toast a major city before you could say "heat wave."
The cows are just not up there when it comes to devious pranks
such as the Lemurs are known to excel at.  After all, our big-eyed
Lemurs are primates. And primates, as we all know, are the natural
leaders.  Look who's wearing the pants around THIS planet anyway.
Primates. Cows are more brute-force stand-around-and-be-bored-and-
chew-your-cud kinda creatures.  You'll never see anyone painting
pictures of bucolic herds of Lemurs chewing cud against a
hill-side and sunset backdrop.

-----------
(3) What is the Terror Cow?

Well, basically, the theory goes that there's ONE cow that
somehow has access to the high-tech arsenal aboard the cow ship.
Perhaps this cow does not actually have access to the ship
itself, but rather to a secret store of weapons taken off the
ship before the keys were lost.  In any case, the Terror Cow is
both heavily armed and bad-tempered.

The lemurs have still not figured out how the Terror Cow manages
to keep its supply of rocket-launched grenades and other weapons
of mass destruction up.  Just when you think "The Terror Cow MUST
be out of anti-tank missiles," there comes that knock on your
front door and that low, eerie-sounding mooing.

Ron Jarrell, who is probably reading this, once wrote an abso-
lutely hysterical post on the subject of the Terror Cow.  Had
very little to do with lemurs, but let's treat it as a sort of
tangent.  Anyway, it went something like this:

"I was sitting at home one night when I heard someone knocking at
my front door.  I was upstairs so I looked out the window to see
who it was. Looking down, I saw what appeared to be a large
bovine creature standing on its hind legs, ringing the doorbell.
Sitting out on the street was a large tanklike vehicle with guns
all over it."

"I called down, 'Who is it?'"

"Moooove your car, it's blocking the road."

"I don't HAVE a car."

"Mooooove your furniture."

"I didn't hire any movers, I'm not moving."

"Terror Cow."

"Why didn't you say so in the first place?"

The Terror Cow has been sighted many times over the years, always
mooving ominously about in a large armored vehicle armed with
weapons of mass destruction.  A very cheesed off bovine, as far
as anyone can tell.

Mike Knell ([e-mail]) reports:

"I went out for a few beers last night, and when I got back in found
that the steak I'd nailed to my door as protection  against the ven-
geance of the Terrow Cow (I'm on the hit list after the episode with the
three Lemurs, the crisps and some coffee) had been incinerated - it had
obviously grown very hot at some point. When I got in to my room (the
lock had been smashed with a blunt hoof-like object), I found that a big
pile of grass had been left there, and my teddy bear had been shot
through the head. The note left on my VDU read 'Next time, it's
youuuuu...'. Strangely enough, all my milk had been thrown out of the
window as well."

---------------

(4) What is the Cowship Investigation Agency?

The Cowship Investigation Agency, or CIA, is headed by Allan
Murphy.  Allan seems obsessed with uncovering the secrets of the Cow
Ship, at present known only by the lemurs who are small enough to fit
into the scramjet intakes and thereby gain access to the interior of the
ship.  Allan has prepared a "Cowship Investigation Questionnaire",
included immediately below, which he would appreciate your completing
and returning to him if you know anything about the cow ship, the
Terror Cow, or the cow weapons used by the lemurs.

--- Begin Questionnaire
---------8<---------------------------------------------

1)  Are you now, or have you ever been in the employ of cows ?

2)  Come on now, you don't expect me to believe that. Tell the
    truth. It'll be easier that way.

3)  Where is the cow starship ?

6)  What width is a scramjet intake ?

7)  And just exactly how do you know this ?

8)  Are you close friends with any of the following:
     A) A lemur
     B) A tarsier
     C) A koala
     D) A flying phalanger
     E) Any form of sloth
     F) Joel Furr
     G) Gary Larson
     H) A command cow
     I) Other cow- or lemur-related being.

9)  Which of the above do you think would fit up a scramjet
    intake best ?

10) Have you ever heard a cow talk, or seen one act in an unusual
    way ? ( eg, fly through the air, pass by in spacecraft, stand
    up and say "I am a command cow, bow down before me, earth-
    ling" )

11) Have you ever seen bright moving lights in the sky, accompa-
    nied by a low "moo" sound ?

12) Which of the following would persuade you to reveal all about
    the cows plans first ?
      A) A pack of angry tarsiers
      B) A hotwired Mooser up the left nostril
      C) An agent of the Cowship Investigation Agency questioning
         you in a whining voice
      D) Torture -
         D1) Chinese Water torture   ( drip..drip...drip....)
         D2) Chinese Lemur torture   ( frink...frink...frink..)
         D3) Japanese Fish torture   ( sushi'd to death )
         D4) Japanese Geisha torture ( sashay'd to death )
      E) 1 litre of Big K Grape Soda
      F) A night watching videos with hyenas, beer'n'Cheetos
      G) Other-please specify

13) Do you own any suspiciously hi-tech devices ?

14) Do you have an irrational aversion to beef or milk ?

15) Which do you eat on Sundays ?
    A) Mom's apple pie
    B) As many twinkies as you can find, with Big K Grape soda
    C) grass - nice fresh green grass, and plenty of it
    D) Bamboo
    E) Eucalyptus leaves
    F) Other-please specify

16) In your own words, describe a Terror Cow.

+----------------------+-----------------------------------------------+
|                      | Subject marked for: Termination               |
| For Office Use Only  |                     Surveillance              |
|                      |                     Mauling by tarsier pack   |
|                      |                     Big K Grape Soda delivery |
|                      |                     .signature flaming        |
+----------------------+------------------------------------------------

--- End Questionnaire ---------8<------------------------------------

---------------

(5) Is Allan Murphy actually a cow?

Allan says "no."  Well, actually, he goes into more detail:

>I would just like to take this opportunity to point out that, in fact,
>I am NOT a cow!
>I am NOT a cow!
>I am NOT a cow!
>I am NOT a cow!
>
>I've even got the documentation to prove it, look, Cowship Investi-
>gation Agency ID card, driving license, bovine spongiform encephalitis
>immunization certificate...
---------------

(6) Has anyone besides Allan had these weird cow experiences?

Several readers have: Josh Brandt, Susanna Richardson, Paul Williams, Jon
Ward, and Ben Hardy:

Joshua Brandt ([e-mail]) wrote:

>I was once chased by a group of cows, and was forced to take refuge on
>the roof of a 1940's flatbed truck. They surrounded me, while I
>cowered on the roof, but began to act nervous and finally ran away,
>leaving me in peace. I remember, as I climbed from the truck, a
>strange low "cheep" sound coming from the treetops...

Joshua also makes predictions of what an attack by the Terror Cow would
be like:

>Late at night, there will be a low knocking at your door. Thinking
>it's finally the Twinkie'n'Grape Soda delivery person, you will stride
>happily to answer it. However, once the door is opened, your doom will
>be sealed, and you will find yourself face-to-face with a hulking,
>shadowy figure, glistening with the blood of horribly crush Lemurs and
>their kind. It will wave aside its cloak, and raise up the anti-tank
>missile launcher it carries in its left hoof. With slow deliberation,
>knowing you are frozen with icy terror, it will take aim and slowly,
>oh so slowly, depress the trigger on its weapon of terror.

Susanna Richardson ([e-mail]) had a sighting that
may or may not be cowship-related:

>Well, I grew up in Wisconsin, so that's a pretty broad range to cover
>with a simple answer.  Seeing a cow on top of a granite boulder over
>twenty feet high is almost a religious experience.  Seeing the other
>cows worshipping her is also awe-inspiring. She looked much like any
>of the other Guernseys, so I couldn't tell if she was a command cow
>or not.


Paul Williams ([e-mail]), replying to an ad for a restaurant
called the "Flying Lemur," wrote:

> What I am wondering is, has anyone
>actually ever witness a flying lemur or is this just a thing
>of fantasy and legend.

Not fantasy or legend. The cowship is a reality (witness the US and
other countries' efforts to find its location). The anti-gravity flying
platforms are a reality (there is much anecdotal evidence). The lemurs
have broken into the cowship and are wreaking havoc on civilisation in
ways fearsome and mischeivous (trust me on this). Luckily they are only
interested in the food thing else you'd find them wispering in the ears
of higher political powers for nefarious and diabolic purposes.

Remember: the little beasties are *inside* the net already and the
greatest secret about them is afsdklhjKLHJASDKLBNMBNm has
XXLASKJOlsdjaiawej lassie X ka KLJAS masdk m,sfdgkjLASDF  mgfls
mFJSDKJkjfgsd   fgsdkljfsdlsdjsjjllotkjk the ability under certain
circumstances to *comletely* A sdfkhjafnASD(*&^& asd asdhafsd
anhfgdkldfgusdfghjsfdgkhjsfgdkhjfgsdkhj frink frink frink a drink
of juice ASFASD hjaskjfaouasdfklhafsdkljasdafsdhjafsdkljafsdkljafsd
sad asdjasifiakdfj0.

Also, the cows are trying to have an end to the lemurs secret lobbying
capability; to no avail. With the loss of the command ship access and
the resulting disorganisation in the herd, cows find it hard to even
discuss the problem amongst themselves, let alone find a solution.]

So, congratulations on a good choice of name. What sort of food (books)
will you be serving? Would you like to give yourself a free plug? How
about discounts for weary and hungry a.f.l. travellers? Do you serve
Twinkies(tm)?

>Steve
>The Flying Lemur
>Lakewood, Oh

Oh what? Did the Command Cow get you just as you were ending your
article?  They can track the emissions from your keyboard using special
sensors in the forward hoof, and are well aware when anyone is talking
about their mortal enemy: lemurs. I'm not worried. I live in a bunker,
100 m underground. :-)

Regards,
Paul

Jon Ward ([e-mail]) wrote:

THE COMMAND COWS ARE TAKING OVER BIRMINGHAM UNIVERSITY
I have not been able to post for the last week as the UseNet reader
would not allow me to. I put this down to a temporary error until I
noticed that the academic computing services here have stopped having
milk delivered.

My suspicions aroused, I started scouting of the surrounding area.
Sure enough, in the field behind the computing centre, there stood a
cow, surrounded by three other cows looking at it. It turned and
looked in my direction...I ran away, but it saw me.

Coming home last night, I found tank-track marks outside. The garden
had cloven hoof prints in the grass. I was under surveillance. My
lemur-like featues had been noted. (Hairy body, blue eyes, facial
hair, short, 13 years of National Geographics, A network addiction,
and a real Burl Ives record).

Then tonight, as  drove home, I saw the Terror Cow. It stood outside
my house, her tank nonchalenty parked on top of two minis and a
capri. Standing on her hind legs, she towered 10 feet into the air.
Her bulky flak jacket covered with pockets, each bulging with gre-
nades and mines. Both front hooves had multi-barrel missile launchers
the size of snare drums, while her chest was crossed with bandoliers.
This was not a cow to call Daisy and put a straw hat on.

And so I know I have been targeted for termination. I don't know how
long I can stay on the run. I need anti-bovine weapons fast, or I
will be found Moodered in a ditch somewhere in Selly Oak. I am Jon
Ward in Birmingham, England. Email : [e-mail]. My
address is 38 Add724ld AdiR^Rghj**

NO CARRIER.....


Ben Hardy <[e-mail]> wrote:

We now have reason to beleive the Terror Cow is resorting to
mind-control tactics. At work the other day I noticed several
workmates placidly standing in the hallway, quietly. For some reason,
their stomachs were growling rather loudly, and they were chewing
gum. Their pupils were dialated as well. At the time I passed it off
as an office joke, and didn't associate it with cows at all. Admit-
tedly it's not everyday you see seemingly normal people lurking in
corridors indulging in bovine behavior, but it wasn't particularly
disturbing until one of them began to emit an eerie mooing sound
after I returned to my office.

Fortunately, a few minutes later it was 5 pm, time to leave.  The
instinct to get out of the office overrode the Terror Cow's wiles,
and the last I saw of these people was them grazing on some trees
near the railway station... go figure!

---------------

(7) What was the so-called "Last Report of Agent North By Northwest?"

>From: North by Northwest
>Subject: Cow Offensive Warning!
>Date: 7 Apr 1993 18:35:12 GMT
>Summary: Cow invasion fleet spotted!
>Keywords: Cow Ship Key Mooser HELP!
>
>Yesterday, I tried to transmit a report, using a couple of anonymous
>remailers to thwart their intercept operators.  That attempt seems to
>have failed.  Their Universal Decrypted Data Electronic Receivers are
>obviously much more capable than we suspected.
>
>However, I seem to have eluded them for the moment.  I'm using a
>different technique -- maybe I can get thru.  Who could have suspected
>that cows were computer-literate?
>
>I got out of the lab just in time.  This thing that they're after --
>what is it?  It doesn't seem to have any controls -- nothing moves on
>it, and it seems to be all one piece.  It looks almost like a giant key
>... but what could it fit?
>
>I desperately need to contact the Prompt Response Organization for the
>Suppression of the Invasion Mooovement.  I have just realized why this
>object was delivered to the Image Processing Labs at JPL.  Not only
>have we photographed one of the cows' landing craft -- WE CAN SEE THEIR
>INVASION FLEET!
>
>The so-called Comet 1993e "Shoemaker-Levy" is a very peculiar set of
>objects in orbit around Jupiter.  We can distinguish as many as 17
>separate "nuclei" in a precise bar-like formation.  I have photographs
>of this "comet" in electronic form (GIF, JPEG) that I will try to get
>to the proper authorities.
>
>Almost simulaneously, another Kuiper-belt "asteroid" (similar to
>1992QB1) has been located.  Is this the mother ship, lurking far beyond
>Saturn?  Most horrifying of all, we have spotted a supernova! Was
>Supernova 1993J in M81 a  civilization that failed to resist the Combat
>Offensive Weapons of this invasion fleet?  Is it our turn next?
>
>If there is anyone in the Pasadena area who cavD5*{|
>N0 CARRIER

---------------

(8) Where can I get weapons to fend off the Cows?

Leigh Porter ( [e-mail]) writes:

>Hello all!!
>
>We (not a royal 'we' 'cus there really is two of us here) are proud to
>offer the UK's Lemur community a superb range of Lemur goods, direct and
>at half price from our Lemur house in the Twinkie Zone -
>
>Cow fallout shelter:-
>     This BEEF lined shelter, designed to be used underground will
>     defend any Lemur from over 5000 pats of cow activity, if you are
>     in danger from the Terror Cow, then this is for you.
>
>     Only $5,672,800,000,000
>
>- Rump steak proton guns:-
>     This new weapon will ward away any bovine creature to a safe
>     distance,  using the best Rump steak batteries, this weapon will
>     fire a continuous stream of high energy RUMP protons, harmless to
>     Lemurs but DEADLY to cows at the target.
>
>     Only $7,811,083,784
>
>CowView cow surveillance device:-
>     This small unit, capable of being hidden almost anywhere will
>     monitor all bovine activities and will send them to a suitable
>     receiver at up to 100 Kilometers away.
>
>     Only $102,984
>
>Suitable Receiver:-
>     Suitable receiver for the above item.
>
>     Only $12
>
>You may ask how we manage these WONDERFUL prices, just don't ask!

The prices sound a little steep to me, so perhaps you can bargain Leigh
down.  Offer him (and his "partners in business") some Twinkies.

---------------

(9) Have Microsoft and IBM been infiltrated by the Cows?

Vance Kochenderfer ([e-mail]) reports:

I have discovered an infiltration of truly massive proportions!  Look at
the name of the command interpreter for the IBM PC.  COMMAND.COM.  Flip
the M upside down, and what do you get?  COMMAND.COW!  All postings from
Microsoft and IBM should be suspect from now on...

---------------

(10) Have the cows tried any clever new strategies?

Brian Antoine ([e-mail]) writes:

I started reading this group just after its newgroup message came
through a few months back.  Within a short time afterwards, I
discovered that my house had become part of the weekly circuit for
the local lemur population. Ever wonder who reads the arbitron
stats?  Now, every Thursday night is poker night.  A night where I
get to supply the twinkies (used for betting) and all the Big K
they can drink.  Funny, I never seem to win any of these games,
and the rules seem to change from night to night...

Anyway, I had just gotten back from the store where I loaded up
for tonights game and was searching for some stuff in the back
room, when I heard a noise coming from the kitchen.  When I went
to check it out, I found a single lemur making a mess of my
refrigerator.  Now making a mess wasn't anything I hadn't seen
before.  You ought to try cleaning Big K off of the ceiling after
the bottle has been shaken and the top removed.

This lemur put them all to shame.  When I yelled at it to watch
where it was throwing the coldcuts, it poked it head over the door
and snarled at me wanting to know 'Where the hell is the beer?'.

The more I saw, the more I figured something was wrong.  The lemur
staring at me had a cigar stuck in its mouth and the eyes looked a
little funny.  They were different sizes and two different colors
to boot.  Whats more, as it moved I kept hearing a noises like
gears grinding.  When I wouldn't tell it where the beer was, it
returned to destroying my fridge. Enough was enough and I leaped
to try to grab it.

Now anyone can tell you that trying to grab a lemur is a hopeless
cause. If you've ever tried to get them down from where they are
hanging on the lights, you know what I mean.  This one was easy to
catch and I it began to thrash around on the floor trying to get
away, it started to leak something all over my floor.  When if
finally quit moving, my kitchen looked like someone had stuck a
firecracker in a gallon jug of milk.  Thats when I the small cable
that ran from its back, across my floor, and out the window. When
I ran to the window it was just in time to see the back door of a
U-haul van slam shut, severing the cable that ran across the lawn
and into the back end.  The funny thing was, that as it drove off
and hit one of the speed bumps outside of my apartment, the panel
on the side came loose.  I didn't get a good look, but I swear I
saw part of the logo for the local dairy.

Anyway, the whole mess is sitting in a bag and I'm going to turn
it over to the normal crew when they show up for tonights game.
This sure stinks of a new subversive attack by the cows.  I wish
they would pick someplace else for their marketing tests.  We're
still trying to round up all of the kids with extra arms growing
out of their backs from the last marketing test Burger King tried
on us.

---------------

(11) Are the lemurs actually stringing the cows along, laughing from the
shadows while the cows fumble about on their mad dreams of world
domination?

You betcha.  The lemurs know what's going on and they're on top of
things.  Rest easy.

---------------

(12) What are all these cow-related things doing in a lemurs newsgroup?

Ask Tim Pierce of alt.config fame, who flamed the idea of an
alt.fan.cows into ash a few months ago.  No, anyway, it has to do
with the origins of lemur fandom at Virginia Tech.  Cow fandom
was going strong at the same time and necessarily, the two
strains got mixed somewhat prior to the emergence of lemur fandom
on the national scene.  Allan Murphy seems obsessed by the cows
enough that one day we may newgroup alt.fan.lemurs.cowship and
turn him loose there just to see what happens.

---------------

The FAQ continues with Part 5 of 7, "Lemurs and the USENET Oracle"

       --------------------------------------------------------

    Revised April 5, 1993 by Joel Furr, [e-mail]
     Revised July 6, 1993 by Joel Furr, [e-mail]
       Revised August 2, 1994 by Joel Furr, [e-mail]





Path: senator-bedfellow.mit.edu!faqserv
From: [e-mail] (Joel K. Furr)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.lemurs,rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.answers,rec.answers,news.answers
Subject: alt.fan.lemurs: Frinkquently Asked Questions (Part 5 of 7, Lemurs and the USENET Oracle)
Supersedes: <lemur-faq/[e-mail]>
Followup-To: alt.fan.lemurs
Date: 21 Jun 1995 11:18:49 GMT
Organization: none
Lines: 572
Approved: [e-mail]
Expires: 14 Jul 1995 11:17:50 GMT
Message-ID: <lemur-faq/[e-mail]>
References: <lemur-faq/[e-mail]>
NNTP-Posting-Host: bloom-picayune.mit.edu
Summary: This posting contains a list of Frequently Asked Questions (and the best answers we got) about Lemurs.  It should be read by anyone who wishes to post to the alt.fan.lemurs newsgroup.
X-Last-Updated: 1995/02/08
Originator: [e-mail]
Xref: senator-bedfellow.mit.edu alt.fan.lemurs:4407 rec.humor.oracle.d:3226 alt.answers:10110 rec.answers:12731 news.answers:46773

Archive-name: lemur-faq/part5
Alt-fan-lemurs-archive-name: lemur-faq/part5
Rec-humor-oracle-d-archive-name: lemurs
Last-modified: 1994/08/02
Version: 4.0

    Official USENET Alt.Fan.Lemurs Frinkquently Asked Questions
           Part 5 of 7  -- Lemurs and the USENET Oracle

------------------------------

Introduction:  The USENET Oracle, an omnipotent being located at
[e-mail], has answered a few questions on the subject
of lemurs.  Here are some of the more interesting questions and replies.
Read rec.humor.oracle for digests of the Oracle's questions and answers
and rec.humor.oracle.d for discussion of same.

                           The Questions


(1) Do lemurs bang on your bedroom windows at night?
(2) Do you ever have trouble with lemurs swinging on your kitchen lights
      or staying up all night to watch movies on your VCR?
(3)  Do you let lemurs use your credit cards?
(4)  What should I do if I'm out driving and I come to a roadblock where
      lemurs are shaking people down for money and Chex Mix?
(5)  How much wood could a Lemur chuck if a Lemur could chuck wood?
(6)  I accidentally let a lemur log onto my computer account.  Now,
      every time I type a command, the only response I get is "frink".
      Except when I try to crash the machine, in which case I get "core
      frinked". What do I do?
(7) What will happen at LemurCon '94?


--------

                            The Answers


(1) Do lemurs bang on your bedroom windows at night?

> Oh most powerful and omniscient Oracle, please tell me:
>
> Do lemurs bang on your bedroom windows at night?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      The Oracle considers your question in all possible contexts,
}      languages interpretations and reaches this conclusion:
}
}      'Not if your bedroom is off the ground floor of a building and
}      there are no trees around'
}
}      You owe the Oracle some cut price lemur proof double glazing.

Take 2:

> Oh most powerful and omniscient Oracle, please tell me:
>
> Do lemurs bang on your bedroom windows at night?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, they do not, because I when I had my current digs made,
} I put in special glass in the windows to prevent any
} "intrusions" to my abode.  Here, let me show you this scene:
}
} ---------------------------------------------------------------
} [ You see the Oracle outside his palace with his general
}   contractor. ]
}
} Oracle: You are going to prove that my glass windows are proof
}         against bullets, shells and exploding animals?
}
} GC:     Sure.  Here in this cannon pointed at your windows, is
}         a woodchuck primed with a high-explosive shell force-fed
}         just a little while ago.  Now I push this button and
}
} [ Woodchuck is propelled  through the air towards the Oracle's
}   bedroom window.  A mighty explosion occurs. ]
}
} Oracle: Wow!  The window looks as good as it did before, and
}         the woodchuck is completely blasted to bits!
}
} ---------------------------------------------------------------
}
} My contractor told me that my windows would be proof against
} any exploding mammal on earth, so if a lemur went bang or
} boom against my windows, I wouldn't even notice it.
}
} You owe the Oracle an Ark, with lemurs.----------


----------


(2) Do you ever have trouble with lemurs swinging on your kitchen lights or
staying up all night to watch movies on your VCR?

> Oh most powerful and omniscient Oracle, please tell me,
>
> Do you ever have trouble with lemurs swinging on your kitchen lights
> or staying up all night to watch movies on your VCR?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, they certainly DO this, but I don't perceive it as a problem.
} However, since you do, it is time we took a good look at this bigotry
} you harbor towards lemurs.  When did this start?  Were you once bested
} by a lemur when trying out for team sports?  Did a lemur get the edge
} in that job interview because of Affirmative Action?  Are you feeling
} disaffected, like the entire country has forgotten about YOU and YOUR
} rights?  Did you sister threaten to marry a lemur? Are you xenophobic
} because they come from Madagascar?
}
} Tsk, tsk, tsk.  You seem to lack understanding and tolerance.  I
} recommend that you enter a program so that you can get help.  You
} harbor resentment and hatred for things you don't understand.  The
} next thing you know you'll be committing hate crimes against innocent
} lemurs who have never done a thing to harm you.  Get help quickly,
} before it is too late.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of bananas.


----------


(3)  Do you let lemurs use your credit cards?

> Oh mighty and omniscient Oracle, please tell me:
>
> Do you let lemurs use your credit cards?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure, but only to scrape the ice off of their windshields.
}
} You owe the Oracle 15.28%, compounded quarterly.


----------


(4)  What should I do if I'm out driving and I come to a roadblock where
lemurs are shaking people down for money and Chex Mix?

> Oh mighty and omnipotent Oracle, please tell me:
>
> What should I do if I'm out driving and I come to a roadblock where
> lemurs are shaking people down for money and Chex Mix?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Frightened commuter,  the solution to your question depends on whether
} the lemurs at the roadblock are Microcebus, ruffed lemurs or
} ringtails.  The Microcebus, being very, very small, are merely
} bluffing.  Simply drive through the roadblock, ignore their squeaks of
} indignation, and keep going.  The ruffed lemurs, who are extremely
} vain, will let you go through without a shakedown if you simply hand
} them some extravagant compliments on their thick, glossy, fur.
} However, the  ringtails are the terrorists of the lemur world. If the
} roadblock is run by ringtails I strongly suggest you hand over the
} money and cereal,  your first-born child, any pornographic National
} Geographics you happen to have in the car, and whatever else you can
} think of.  There are reputable reports of motorists on the I-5 being
} robbed, dismembered, and eaten by ringtails.
}
} You owe the Oracle a year's membership to the Cincinnati zoo.


Take 2:

> Oh mighty Oracle, I beg for your wisdom:
>
> What should I do if I'm out driving and I come to a roadblock where Lemurs
> are shaking people down for money and Chex Mix?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, mortal, listen well to the ruminations of the Mighty Oracle!
}
} Okay, this is what you do.  Lemurs are nocturnal, so I am
} assuming this roadblock takes place at night.  Drive up slowly,
} then roll down your window.  A lemur will probably stick its face
} in your window, and its partner will shine a flashlight in your
} eyes.  First, reach up quickly and grab the first lemur by the
} arm.  It'll probably squeal, so pull to get it off balance, then
} shove it off your car.  Its partner will take the flashlight off
} you.  Yell, 'Damn monkeys!' out the window...lemurs HATE being
} called monkeys.  Jam the accelerator.  The cars in front will
} probably be trying to swing out of the way to give chase; lemurs lemurs
} hate getting their cars smashed up.  Now, drive really fast!
} Lemurs tend to drive really fast cars, so you'll have to take
} every advantage possible!  The lemur's real weakness lies in the
} fact that they are notorious law-abiders.  All you have to do is
} run a red light, and they will not follow.  And that's it.


----------


(5)  How much wood could a Lemur chuck if a Lemur could chuck wood?


> Oh mighty and omniscient Oracle, please tell me,
>
> How much wood could a Lemur chuck if a Lemur could chuck wood?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That depends on how much you're willing to pay them.  If you pay
} peanuts, you get monkeys.  It's as simple as that.
}
} You owe the Oracle a half cord of firewood, neatly chucked.


----------


(6)  I accidentally let a lemur log onto my computer account.  Now, every time
I type a command, the only response I get is "frink".  Except when I try to
crash the machine, in which case I get "core frinked". What do I do?

> Help, O savior of prosimians!
>
> I accidentally let a lemur log onto my computer account.  Now, every
> time I type a command, the only response I get is "frink".  Except
> when I try to crash the machine, in which case I get "core frinked".
> What do I do?
>
> (I'm writing to you on a friend's account.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The party of medical students grew excited as they followed Doctor
} Hartmann down the final sterilised, white-walled corridor that led
} to the high security wing of Indiana State Mental Asylum. "This is
} gonna be the chance of a lifetime!" said Julia Kovic, psychiatry
} student prodigy and part-time model.  "You bet!" said her friend
} David, "The most bizarre case of paranoid delusion and psychotic
} insanity in medical history, enough to write volumes on, and we're
} about to see it!"  Doctor Hartmann tapped in the security code
} and the steel doors hummed open.  "I must caution you now, be very
} careful how you speak to this man.  If you wish to ask him a
} question, make sure it's very inoffensive.  If provoked he is
} likely to enter a fit of rage which, believe me, you won't have
} seen the like of before."  The group walked in uninterested fashion
} past the cells of Gruesome Gripper Graham, strangler of over one
} hundred young virgins, and Marcus MacCallum, who ate his bank
} manager's brain infront of a whole queue of account holders (some
} of whom wanted to thank him afterwards).
}
} "Here we are" said Dr Hartmann.  "Patient Bob, as we call him.
} We never managed to get his real name out of him."
}
} "He was admitted in 1993, wan't he?" asked Julia.
}
} "That's right.  After going on a killing rampage through several
} zoos and national parks all over America.  It took the FBI weeks
} to track him down, and he somehow managed to wipe out half the
} lemur and woodchuck population of America.  He also incinerated a
} large number of police officers with his bizarre home made gun
} before he was finally caught."  The group peered in awe through
} the wide toughened glass window of the cell.  A figure was sitting
} with his back to them, both arms tied behind him in a restraint
} jacket.
}
} "How are you, Bob ?" said Dr Hartmann.  The figure snapped his head
} around to reveal sharp, crazed eyes and a handsome face contorted
} into a furious expression.  "Shut thy mouth, O worm.  I am called
} the Oracle, THE USENET ORACLE, damn it!"  "I'm sorry, Bob, but
} there is no such person in the birth records."  said the Doctor.
}
} "That" said the Oracle "is because I was born when the genes of
} your ancestors were still floating around in primordial SOUP!!".
}
} Dr Hartmann turned back to his students.  "It's OK, we've caught
} him in a pretty good mood.  Who wants to ask him a question ?"
} Julia raised her hand first.  "What makes you hate woodchucks and
} lemurs, Oracle ?"  The Oracle's eyes flared. He boomed : "They are
} the servants of Satan, malicious imps placed here by the Dark One
} to destroy the work of the Oracle."
}
} "Why do you think Satan is victimising you ?" quizzed Julia.
}
} "Because God gave Me the cushy job, while Satan has to spend
} eternity in a sulphurous pit listening to politicians screaming in
} torment and begging for another chance."
}
} "But woodchucks and lemurs are harmless, friendly little creatures!"
}
} The Oracle smiled grimly.  "My child, do not meddle in the affairs
} of the Omniscient and Omnipotent, for you would make a fine kebab
} and wash down well with a Diet Coke."
}
} Julia would not give up with her rational probing.
} "If you are omnipotent, how come you don't just break out of here?"
}
} "Break out ?!  I came here DELIBERATELY!!!  This place is a HOLIDAY
} compared to the questions I was starting to get from alt.fan.lemurs
} and the Cult of Woodchuck."
}
} Julia smiled.  She was beginning to *like* the Oracle in a strange
} sort of way, although she still thought he was insane.
}
} One of the students behind her was whispering to a colleague.
} "How much would you think it costs to run this place ?"
}
} "What ?" asked the other, who was hard of hearing.
}
} "I SAID HOW MUCH WOULD -"
}
} At that moment Julia saw the Oracle's worse side.  Only for a
} split second, that is, before the she and the whole Asylum were
} obliterated and sent flying in small chunks over a thirty mile
} radius.  The Oracle's blissful holiday was over;  he emerged from
} the ruins of the Asylum and trudged off in the direction of
} Indiana University.

Take 2:

> Help, O savior of prosimians!
>
> I accidentally let a lemur log onto my computer account.  Now, every
> time I type a command, the only response I get is "frink".  Except
> when I try to crash the machine, in which case I get "core frinked".
> What do I do?
>
> (I'm writing to you on a friend's account.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Distressed Pawn of the Conspiracy,
}
} Accidentally let a lemur log onto your computer! Sure, the lemur let
} you think it was an accident. It was an "accident" that got the American
} forces into Vietnam fighting Ho Chi-a-pet Minh (a well documented
} lemur sympathizer); another "accident" that let Jack Ruby stroll
} unmolested into the basement of the Dallas Police building to shoot
} Lee-mur Harvey Oswald; an "accident" or two which killed Bruce and
} Brandon Lee-mur. Let me tell you, lemurs have been involved with
} everything from the mysterious disappearance of Socks Clinton to the
} secret meaning of the Great Seal of the United States. Haven't you
} wondered, just a little, why Abra-melin Lincoln allowed Robert E.
} Lee-mur to keep his horse and gun?
}
} Lemurs lost their great continent, Lemuria, by their arboreal foolishness
} and their apparent unwillingness to invest in the equivalent of the
} Strategic Defense Initiative project. Now they want to take over our
} land, that dulcet clime formerly free of prosimians, and rename it "New
} Madagascar". Soon the animal gliding amongst our treasured redwoods
} will not be Rocket J. Squirrel from Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, but
} Leapin' Lanny Colugo from Malaya. Makes a patriot sick!
}
} My advice to you is not to let on to your lemur buddy, your ring-tailed
} pal, that what he thinks of as his Lemuridae fellow traveler (Robert E.
} Lee-mur's horse's name was Traveler -- coincidence? I think *NOT*) is
} wise to his large-eyed schemes. Your only hope is to surprise him in the
} bright daylight and quickly stuff him in a sack. Under no circumstance
} approach lemurs at night: their strength is that of ten after sunset. Grab
} a bottle of petroleum jelly to take with you. Take the fiend down to the
} dockside where an oceangoing freighter is heading back to the green
} hell that is Madagascar. Quickly smear petroleum jelly on his feet and
} stick him to the side of the vessel (above the waterline for humanitarian
} reasons). His suction-pad feet will adhere to the steel. You may let
} Madagascar deal with him after that. Throw away your computer; no
} amount of cleansing could possibly help. I am sorry.
}
} You owe the Oracle (incarnating as [e-mail]) nothing
} except your pledge to remain lemur-free one *DAY* at a time.

Take 3:

> Help, O savior of prosimians!
>
> I accidentally let a lemur log onto my computer account.  Now, every
> time I type a command, the only response I get is "frink".  Except
> when I try to crash the machine, in which case I get "core frinked".
> What do I do?
>
> (I'm writing to you on a friend's account.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

> Article: 5750 of news.admin.misc
> From: [e-mail] (The Usenet Oracle)
> Newsgroups: news.admin.misc
> Subject: Attempted lemur takeover of rec.humor.oracle
> Date: 20 Nov 1993 23:57:58 GMT
>
> Okay, folks.  Those goons from alt.fan.lemurs are trying to take over
> rec.humor.oracle again.  They've been mailbombing me all week with
> questions about lemurs; it seems that Joel Furr got some statistician
> at the Duke University Primate Center to work out just how many lemur
> questions it would take to insure that at least half of each r.h.o
> Digest would refer to lemurs.
>
> Newsadmins who are, shall we say, not overfond of high-voltage
> spikes, may want to consider dropping a.f.l from their news servers
> at once.
> --
> The Usenet Oracle  * [e-mail] * Serving the Net since 1989
>   "And the Sibyl with raving mouth, uttering words solemn, unadorned,
>    and unsweetened, reaches with her voice a thousand years because of
>    the god in her."  --Heraclitus, frag. 12
>
>
> Article: 5751 of news.admin.misc
> From: [e-mail] (Dave Hayes)
> Newsgroups: news.admin.misc
> Subject: Re: Attempted lemur takeover of rec.humor.oracle
> Date: 21 Nov 1993 01:12:15 GMT
>
> Ha! So the Oracle reveals his true authoritarian colors! Seems to
> me lemurs have as much right as anyone to post questions wherever
> they want!
>
> When an all-powerful Oracle stoops to forming a cabal to suppress a
> few admirers of fuzzy lower primates, well... can you say, "Death of
> Usenet"?  :)
>
>
> From: [e-mail] (Richard E. Depew)
> Newsgroups: news.admin.misc
> Subject: Re: Attempted lemur takeover of rec.humor.oracle
>
> Orrie, not to worry.  Retroactive moderation will automatically tag
> all postings by lemurs and transfer them to a Gopher server on Baffin
> Island that operates only between 2300 and 2400 GMT, that is when
> there's kerosene in the generator to run the Mac Classic.  Of course
> anyone is free to download them from the server once they're there.
>
> I think you'll be pleased with the results.
>
>
> From: [e-mail] (Serdar Argic)
> Newsgroups: talk.politics.mideast,talk.politics.soviet,soc.culture.greek,
> soc.culture.europe,soc.history,soc.culture.soviet,soc.culture.turkish,
> soc.culture.iranian,news.admin.misc,alt.fan.lemurs,rec.humor.oracle.d
> Distribution: world
> Subject: Re: Attempted lemur takeover of rec.humor.oracle
>
> Oracle simply exposes the x-Soviet Armenian Government-paid Lemur
> crooks/criminals and their well-known forgeries in public.  Remember
> that x-Soviet Armenia, employing Lemur moronians, attempts to call
> into question the veracity of the Oracle Holocaust. X-Soviet Armenia
> has also implemented state-sponsored terrorism through Lemurs in
> an attempt to silence the Turkish people's vehement demands and
> protests.
>
>
> From: [e-mail] (Cheyne l'Etre)
> Newsgroups: news.admin.misc
> Subject: MAKE MONEY FAST
>
> If you're curious, take a second and read this...
>
> Dear Friend,
>
>     My name is Dave Rhodes.  In September 1988, my lemur was
> repossesed, and the bill collectors were hounding me like you
> wouldn't believe.  I was laid off, and my unemployment checks had
> run out.  The only escape I had from the pressure of failure was
> my computer and my modem.
>
>     This past St. Swithin's day, my family and I toured our fifty-acre
> lemur farm in our shiny new Lincoln Town Car that I bought for
> CASH.  You too can be RICH beyond your wildest dreams.
>
>     INSTRUCTIONS: Send e-mail to "[e-mail]" with the
> Subject: line "give me".  On the first line of your message, specify
> the exact dollar amount you wish to realize your heart's desire.
> Within five weeks a representative of the United States Postal
> Service will be ringing at YOUR doorbell with $10,000--$50,000--
> $1,000,000 (One Million Dollars)!  Please note, this is entirely
> legal, since you are just ASKING for the money!
>
>
> From: [e-mail] (Kit Parker)
> Newsgroups: alt.sex.bestiality, news.admin.misc
> Subject: I Like Big Hairy Lemurs
>
> Hi Im Kit an RA in Parrish Hall at Swarthmore. the very thought of a
> naked furry lemur makes me horny, does anyone know where I can find
> one in the Philadelphia area  Thanks   oops he's coming back to the
> term room
>
>
> From: Shandra DeWitt <[e-mail]>
> Newsgroups: news.admin.misc
> Subject: Dying Boy Needs Lemurs
>
> My friend said you are the people who run the USnet bulletin board so
> would you please post this Urgent Information on your BBS.
>
> In a hospital in Sussex, England, there is a twelve-year-old boy who
> is dying of an inoprable brain tumor.  His one wish is to enter the
> Guiness Book of Records for owning more lemurs than anyone.  His name
> is ^Z
>
> From: [e-mail] (Brian Reid)
> Newsgroups: news.admin.misc
> Subject: Death of Usenet (Was: Attempted lemur takeover...)
>
> I give up.  They were right.  Usenet has had it.
>
> Orrie, the Cabal have decided.  We're turning the whole thing over to
> you.  You won't have to worry about lemur invasions in r.h.o when
> you're . . . Usenet Supermoderator!  Right: we all agreed no one was
> better suited for the job.  You can read 10Mbytes of postings in a
> nanosecond and save out the two or three that deserve distribution.
> You can send flaming death to people who post child pornography on the
> K12 groups and quote too many lines in followups.  You can get rid of
> the entire Usenet hierarchy and restore net.general, where the dozen
> or two of us who have anything worth saying can reign in peace.
>
> Here's to You and Usenet Utopia!


----------

(7) What will happen at LemurCon '94?


> Tell me, oh most wise Oracle:
>
> What will happen at LemurCon '94?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 2pm Wed   President Clinton will show up to give the opening address and
}           find nobody home.
}
} 2am Thu   President Clinton will fail to show up for the opening address.
}           The organizers will scramble to find a nocturnal celebrity.
}           They'll manage to get Jack Hanna to say a few words; he'll say he
}           was having trouble sleeping anyway, but in fact he really digs
}           lemurs.
}
} 2:30am    "Discrimination Against Lemurs and Other Nocturnal Animals by
}           Government and Industry."  Organizations continue to insist on
}           daytime working hours despite evidence that it increases fatigue-
}           related accidents and exacerbates rush hour congestion on
}           highways.
}
} 3:30am    Lunch and tree-climbing break.  The National Arboretum is just up
}           the street from the hotel.
}
} 4am       "Living With A Tail Impairment."  Tail-impaired lemurs will answer
}           questions and dispel myths about tree-climbing, discrimination,
}           and societal acceptance.
}
} 5am       "Lemur Action Plan for 1995."  Long-term plans for rallies,
}           marches, and protests will be discussed.  Lessons learned from
}           the Midnight March on Washington which failed to attract any
}           significant media attention will be discussed.
}
} 6am       Tree-climbing break.  Avoid the pear tree; it'll dump you.
}
} 7am       Reception in the Jungle Room with furry entertainment.  Drew
}           Barrymore will wander down in a bathrobe looking for coffee.
}           Don't miss it.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a detailed map of Madagascar.


-----------

The FAQ continues in Part 6 of 7: Duke University Primate Center.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------
       Revised August 2, 1994 by Joel Furr, [e-mail]





Path: senator-bedfellow.mit.edu!faqserv
From: [e-mail] (Joel K. Furr)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.lemurs,alt.answers,news.answers
Subject: alt.fan.lemurs: Frinkquently Asked Questions (Part 6 of 7, DUPC)
Supersedes: <lemur-faq/[e-mail]>
Followup-To: alt.fan.lemurs
Date: 21 Jun 1995 11:18:52 GMT
Organization: none
Lines: 715
Approved: [e-mail]
Expires: 14 Jul 1995 11:17:50 GMT
Message-ID: <lemur-faq/[e-mail]>
References: <lemur-faq/[e-mail]>
NNTP-Posting-Host: bloom-picayune.mit.edu
Summary: This posting contains useful information about the captive breeding programs practiced by the Duke University Primate Center (among others), Adopt-A-Lemur, and where you can get lemur souvenirs.
X-Last-Updated: 1995/02/08
Originator: [e-mail]
Xref: senator-bedfellow.mit.edu alt.fan.lemurs:4408 alt.answers:10111 news.answers:46774

Archive-name: lemur-faq/part6
Alt-fan-lemurs-archive-name: lemur-faq/part6
Last-modified: 1994/8/11
Version: 4.0

    Official USENET Alt.Fan.Lemurs Frinkquently Asked Questions
          Part 6 of 7  -- Duke University Primate Center

This section of the FAQ deals with the Duke University Primate Center,
the largest population of Lemurs outside their native island of Madagas-
car.  Make sure to read the sections (below) about tours, souvenirs, and
the all-important Adopt-A-Lemur program.  DUPC needs funds to continue
and extend its work and you can help.  It also discusses what little we
know about the programs carried on by the Jersey Zoo in the Channel
Islands of the United Kingdom.

------------------------------

                           The Questions

(1) What IS the Duke University Primate Center?
(2) What programs take place at DUPC?  What animals live there?
(3) What other programs take place at DUPC?
(4) Can I donate money to DUPC?
(5) How do I go about arranging a tour of the Primate Center?
(6) What is the mailing address of the Duke University Primate Center?
(7) What is Adopt-A-Lemur?
(8) Can I buy DUPC souvenirs through the mail?
(9) What if I want to donate a LOT of money?
(10) Is anyone else engaged in breeding lemurs to save them from extinction?
(11) Can I write to DUPC over the Internet?
(12) When you adopt a lemur, do you always get the same animal that
      anyone else adopting a lemur of that species gets, right down to
      being sent a form letter and the same photo?
(13) Do you have any unbiased reports from observers who visited the
      Primate Center?
(14) Does DUPC need volunteer helpers?
(15) Are the DUPC lemurs as intelligent as other primates?

------------------------------

                            The Answers

(1) What IS the Duke University Primate Center?
The Duke University Primate Center (DUPC) began in 1958 as the Center
for Prosimian Biology at Yale University.  In 1966, the Yale colony was
relocated to North Carolina and moved into its present buildings in
1968.

From 1968 to 1973, Dr. John Buettner-Janusch served as Director and
research was oriented toward behavior, genetics, and biochemistry. The
colony grew to about 250 animals representing 10 species during this
time.  Several interim Directors served from 1973 to 1977.

In 1977, Dr. Elwyn L. Simons became the Director.  He expanded the scope
of research to include conservation and the study of fossils.  He also
increased the educational opportunities and training for both under-
graduate and graduate students.  Under his leadership the colony grew to
more than 700 animals representing 33 species and subspecies.  Recent
years have seen the overall size of the colony decrease to the current
540 animals representing 29 species and subspecies (see below).

On May 15, 1991, Dr. Kenneth E. Glander became the Director of the DUPC
and Dr. Simons took on the role of Scientific Director.  As Scientific
Director, Simons will concentrate on teaching, research, and the
management of the Center's collaborative programs with Madagascar.
Glander intends to build the Primate Center's programs around the issue
of biological diversity.  He will also expand the environmental educa-
tion opportunities to include primary and secondary school science
teachers.

Education of the public is equally important for the future of these
endangered primates.  Outreach programs aimed at increasing environmen-
tal awareness of elementary and secondary school children could be
developed and disseminated via a public exhibit hall and classroom space
which would be built outside the gates of the Center to prevent disrup-
tion of the captive breeding and conservation programs.  The pavilion
area would serve as a staging area for tours of the animal colony and
presentation areas for exhibits as well as providing modest office space
for staff and volunteers involved in educational and promotional ac-
tivities.

One of the missions of the Primate Center is to assist in international
efforts to prevent the extinction of Madagascar's most endangered
primates.

The Primate Center accomplishes this through:

      * behavioral and ecological research
      * international conservation programs
      * in-country training programs
      * captive breeding

The Center is funded by the National Science Foundation, Duke Univer-
sity, and private donations.

------------------------------

(2) What programs take place at DUPC?  What animals live there?

The DUPC primate collection consists only of prosimians. There are three
groups of living prosimians:

* the lemurs of Madagascar
* the lorises and galagos of Asia and Africa
* the tarsiers of certain East Asian islands (although these animals are
  being placed by some in taxonomic categories closer to apes, monkeys,
  and humans.)

The majority of the animals housed in the DUPC colony are lemurs from
Madagascar.  Lemurs have lived isolated on their island home located off
the southeast coast of Africa for more than 50 million years.

In recent years the forests of Madagascar, once teeming with lemurs,
have been reduced by more than 90% as a result of increased human
population pressure. Lemur populations in the wild are rapidly declin-
ing.  As human population expands, increased need of food causes in-
tensified hunting of lemurs.  Also, the lemurs' habitat is destroyed by
agricultural "slash and burn" practices. The result is that many lemur
species are threatened with extinction.

A principal objective of the Primate Center continues to be the captive
breeding of endangered prosimians.  In order to achieve that goal,
efforts are being made to reduce the size of the Primate Center's colony
so that it can better utilize the limited resources by concentrating on
the most highly endangered species.

In 1987, World Wildlife International announced that the Malagasy lemurs
are the most gravely endangered group of primates in the world.  Follow-
ing this declaration, special- ists from Madagascar, Europe, and America
met and agreed that the genetic diversity of the following 10 prosimians
was the most severely threatened:


*   1) the Lake Alaotra bamboo lemur (Hapalemur griseus alaotrensis)
  + 2) the golden bamboo lemur (Hapalemur aureus)
    3) the greater bamboo lemur (Hapalemur simus)
*   4) the blue-eyed lemur (Lemur macaco flavifrons)
* + 5) the red-ruffed lemur (Varecia variegata rubra)
* + 6) the aye-aye (Daubentonia madagascarensis)
*   7) the crowned sifaka (Propithecus verreauxi coronatus)
* + 8) the golden-crowned sifaka (Propithecus tattersalli)
* + 9) the diademed sifaka (Propithecus diadema)
*  10) the mongoose lemur (Lemur mongoz)

The DUPC currently holds eight of these species (Nos. 1, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,
10) as indicated by asterixes, and hopes to get some golden bamboo lemurs very
soon.

The Center's current captive breeding efforts are focused on saving 5 of
these 10 most endangered species of lemurs, (Nos. 2, 5, 6, 8, 9) as
indicated by plus signs.  The plight of these species is characterized
by the fact that there are probably fewer than 100 golden bamboo lemurs
left in the wild.  This is an emergency situation if DUPC is to preserve
the biological diversity necessary for a viable captive breeding
program.  The aye-aye may be in similar difficulty. The choice of these
five species is not haphazard but rather based on the fact that the
Primate Center has successfully maintained and bred closely related
species and the fact that the need for preserving genetic diversity in
these five species appears to be greatest.  Furthermore, all the species
listed above and, for that matter, all the species held at Duke, are bred in
captivity and breeding records kept to ensure maximum diversity.

The Primate Center has both diurnal (day-time active) and nocturnal
(nighttime active) prosimians.

Diurnal animals are housed in outdoor runs or in Natural Habitat
Enclosures encompassing large tracts of the Duke Forest.  All animals
housed outdoors have heated winter sleeping quarters.  These enclosures
are vital for future planned reintroduction of the lemurs to their
native habitats.  Here, animals have the opportunity to learn how to
find their own food, avoid predation, and roam in sufficient space to
form natural social groupings.  65 acres of rich Duke Forest habitat
offer a unique opportunity for study in a natural setting.

A new Nocturnal Animal Building houses most of the night-time active
prosimians.  This recent addition to the Center was designed to control
lighting, humidity, and temperature, critical for the well-being of
these animals.

Approximately 85% of the DUPC colony is captive-bred.  No other zoo or
institution has successfully bred so many different prosimian species.

------------------------------

(3) What other programs take place at DUPC?

Fossils:

Another important and unique aspect of the Primate Center is its
collection of fossil primates representing prosimians, monkeys, apes,
and other mammals.  The collection consists of more than 10,000 fossils
ranging in age from less than 1,000 years to more than 60 million years
old.

Housing both living and fossil primates in the same center is sig-
nificant because the surviving prosimians are often called  "living
fossils," providing clues about the Earth's past environments.

International extension programs in Madagascar:

DUPC promotes international relations and cooperation through research,
education, and conservation programs. Primate Center staff are assisting
the Malagasy government to reopen Parc Ivoloina as a zoological and
botanical conservation center.  The joint goal of the park project is to
increase the Malagasy people's awareness of the importance of conserva-
tion through education, thereby making the native population cognizant
of the unique flora and fauna of their island.

------------------------------

(4) Can I donate money to DUPC?

Donations are gratefully accepted by the Duke University Primate Center.
The address to send them to is DUPC, 3705 Erwin Road, Durham NC 27705.
If you like, ask them to put you on their mailing list and send you
their newsletter.

------------------------------

(5) How do I go about arranging a tour of the Primate Center?

The Primate Center is located at 3705 Erwin Road, Durham, North Caro-
lina. Durham is found on any road map of North Carolina, and you can buy
a Durham street map when you get there.  (It's in the big Duke Forest
area that you get to off Routes 15-501 and 751.)

Admission costs to the Primate Center are as follows:

      Adult  $5.00
      Child (12 and under)  $2.50
      Senior Citizen  $2.50
      Duke student  $3.00

The Primate Center is open Monday through Friday 8:30 a.m. to 5:00 p.m.,
and Saturdays from 8:30 a.m. to noon.  You can't just show up; you MUST
make an appointment.  The number to call is [phone].

The tour is well worth the trip to Durham and the money.  The lemurs are
just as curious about humans as humans are about them and the experience
of wandering from enclosure to enclosure is eerily like being studied
back.  You'll get to meet Blue Devil, the first aye-aye born in the
Western Hemisphere, as well as the sifakas so clever that the DUPC
people had to put an extra bolt on the outside of their door to keep
them from jimmying the lock and escaping.  The lemurs are wonderful
little animals!  Go see them.

------------------------------

(6) What is the mailing address of the Duke University Primate Center?

Duke University Primate Center
3705 Erwin Road
Durham, NC 27705
[phone] or [phone]

------------------------------

(7) What is Adopt-A-Lemur?

You'll hear a lot about Adopt-A-Lemur on alt.fan.lemurs.
Adopt-a-lemur is a means by which friends of DUPC can donate $50 to
$250 to the Center and "adopt" one of the lemurs, receiving letters
and photos and other information about your lemur.  So far, dozens of
animals have been adopted either jointly or individually by
alt.fan.lemurs readers.  Bob Smart even adopted a mated pair of
ringtails as a wedding gift for a couple of lemur-loving newlyweds.
Lemur adoption isn't just a cost-effective way to donate money while
receiving something in return -- it's also tax deductible.

If you would like to contribute financially to the programs of the
Duke University Primate Center, you can!  While the $2,000 needed to
equip out an enclosure for a mated couple may be beyond the range of
most people, there is an Adopt-A-Lemur program that allows one to
make a difference at an affordable price.

The cost of adopting any given lemur is pegged to the approximate
cost of keeping that animal fed and medically cared for for one year.
Hence, adoption costs for the smallest animals are usually $50 and
the largest and/or rarest animals are usually $250.  There are ranges
in between of $100, $125, and $150 as well.  For additional informa-
tion, contact: Carol Holman [phone].  Duke University Primate
Center, 3705 Erwin Road, Durham NC 27705.


------------------------------

(8) Can I buy DUPC souvenirs through the mail?

Yes.  Duke offers a lot of souvenirs, from t-shirts to frisbees to
coffee mugs to posters to VERY nice gold-plated Christmas ornaments.
Since the lineup of souvenirs offered changes from time to time, an
actual price list will not be listed here.  Instead, to get the price
list, drop them a postcard and ask for the latest catalog (DUPC, 3705
Erwin Road, Durham NC 27705) or telephone [phone].

The money earned from the souvenirs goes to support the lemurs. Buy
some!

---------------

(9) What if I want to donate a LOT of money?

Well, you can.  Duke got a large grant from the National Science
Foundation to renovate all its caging some time back, but the grant is
contingent on matching funds.  As funds are donated to Duke or become
available, the NSF cuts loose more of the grant money.  Duke will be
happy to explain to you the various amounts of money needed to, say,
build a new silo-style cage and will even put up a big nameplate naming
the cage after you if you want.  Again, you need to call Duke directly
to get all this set up.  The donations are tax deductible.

---------------

(10) Is anyone else engaged in breeding lemurs to save them from
extinction?

You bet.  Many zoos are engaged in a joint breeding project coordinated
by a scientific body known as the Taxon Advisory Group.  The TAG keeps
track of lemur pedigrees and tries to ensure the most diverse gene pool
possible by matching lemurs from various zoos and centers.  Duke is the
_largest_ center, with the world's largest collection of prosimians
outside Madagascar, but it's by no means the only one.  Many American
zoos are involved in these programs.

European readers interested in participating in sponsorship of animals
or simply in visiting a breeding center are encouraged to contact Gerald
Durrell, the famous British zoologist, at the Jersey Wildlife Preserva-
tion Trust, located in the British Channel Islands.  We don't know much
about their programs, but the address to write to if you want to do the
research for us is:

          The Trust Secretary
          Jersey Wildlife Preservation Trust
          Les Augres Manor
          Trinity, Jersey
          British Channel Islands

Let us know what you find out if you write them!

We've also been told that the Hamerton Wildlife Centre, Huntingdon,
Cambridgeshire, has a lot of lemurs.

---------------

(11) Can I write to DUPC over the Internet?

Yes.  You can, but because the guy who you'd be writing spends a fair
bit of time on the road or in Costa Rica or in Madagascar, you may
occasionally have to wait a little while for your response.  Dr. Kenneth
Glander can be emailed at [e-mail].

---------------

(12) When you adopt a lemur, do you always get the same animal that
anyone else adopting a lemur of that species gets, right down to being
sent a form letter and the same photo?

Not necessarily.  Duke is willing to let people adopt specific animals
if they wish, logistics allowing, but often sends out the default
package for an animal if no particular animal of a given species is
listed.

Joao de Souza noted that his girlfriend (presumably Maria Drago) had
received, after adopting a new baby aye-aye, Cruella, the same photo of
an adult aye-aye that had appeared in his newspaper about a different
animal.  He asked if Duke always sent out the same photo regardless of
animal.

The question was answered on two levels:

One: the truth: Cruella is being kept away from the general public and
disruptions of her routine as much as possible.  Dr. Glander could
probably describe this in greater detail but basically, the intent is to
keep the aye-ayes wild and prevent the 'imprinting' which took place in
"Blue Devil" from happening again.  Blue Devil is a weird critter that
doesn't get along with fellow aye-ayes.

So, yes, we don't stick cameras in her face a lot.

Incidentally, so many lemurs were adopted through Adopt-a-lemur that the
volunteer staff at DUPC is somewhat overburdened getting all the packets
for all the animals out with individual photos of each specific animal.
So, yes, occasionally 'default photos' are used.

The other answer to the Cruella question:

Nosferatu, one of the adult aye-ayes, was bemused because, during one of
his nocturnal forays through the Primate Center's overhead ductwork and
down into Dr. Glander's office, he had discovered that he was named
after a vampire.  He looked up 'vampire' and found that vampires cannot
be seen in mirrors or captured on film.  Hence, he got into photographer
David Haring's supplies and started trying to take pictures of himself.
Since David doesn't keep a Polaroid camera around, all Nosferatu managed
to do was fill up several rolls of film on several cameras with pictures
of himself staring bemusedly into the lens.  When the rolls were sent
off to be developed, DUPC ordered the standard thirty copies of each
shot to sell to the visitors.  Imagine their surprise when they wound up
with several hundred photos of Nosferatu.  Hence the reason why, to this
day, they're still trying to foist Nosferatu pictures off on anyone we
can.

------------

(13) Do you have any unbiased reports from observers who visited the
Primate Center?

Sure!

Jim Griffith ([e-mail]) wrote:

So I just got back from my two-week, cross-country road trip, and the
first place I visited was the DUPC in North Carolina.  I got to meet
everyone there, mainly Dorothy who works the front desk, Dr. Glander
(who was really busy, of course), Carol Holman (ditto), and Stephanie
(sigh, talk about an attractive, intelligent lady.  Knows the lemurs by
name without resorting to tags, knows how to gross out tourists with
stories of disgusting insects, you name it).

So I got to meet Agrippa, who is, of course, a serious chick magnet.  I
*told* you people that chicks dig golden crowned sifakas.  It was also
cool, because they just picked up another pair of GCS'es, which they are
keeping in a cage inside one of the larger enclosures.  Since I'm a
"major contributor" (heeheeheehee), and since I've adopted one of the
GCS'es, they took me through the enclosure to see the two new GCS'es
(note - if you plan on visiting the DUPC, don't bother to ask to do this
- they'll deny that they do this).  It was really cool walking through
this forested area, seeing these red-ruffed lemurs lounging on overhang-
ing branches all around me.  And I could swear I saw this one ring-tail
wearing a miner's helmet and wielding a pickaxe stick his head out of a
hole, see Stephanie, and duck back before she could see him.  Gonna be a
wild time in Durham for a while...  Anyways, I got to see the two
GCS'es, and while I was looking, the male jumped over to me and started
whuffling, as if to say "you eyeing my woman?".  As we were leaving,
they both leaped over to the door, hoping to find a way out - apparently
they take every opportunity to get out (which is in character, of
course).

I also got to see Nigel ("You lookin' at me?"), the "anything-but"
gentle lemurs (but not Be-bop - apparently he's in solitary), the
blue-eyed lemurs named after famous movie stars (which, by the way, are
the only other primate species besides humans to have blue eyes), the
one-armed red-ruffed lemur, and the aye-ayes (talk about *ugly*...).  I
had to laugh as one of the ring-tails slipped Stephanie's car keys out
of her pocket while she was talking to us.  Far be it from *me* to turn
them in - they know where I live.

Another thing is that photos really don't do the lemurs justice.  You
can't fully appreciate a lemur until you've met one in person and had
him lift your wallet.  For starters, the ones which look bigger in
photos end up being smaller than expected and the smaller-looking ones
end up being bigger.  The GCS'es are much larger than I expected, and
the gentle lemurs (otherwise known as "those lemur assassins") are much
smaller.  Their mobility is kind of strange too.  You expect them to
either be completely manic or virtually comatose, and in point of fact
they alternate between the two states.  You'll watch a Coquerel's sifaka
sitting calmly on a tree branch, when suddenly he's leaped 20 feet to
hang on the cage wall and stare you straight in the eye.  It's an
incredible thing to watch.

Anyways, it was a really cool tour, and I came away with a lot more
respect for the center and its people.  I showed up expecting it to be
much more glamorous, but it's a working facility, and that's what you
quickly notice. They have something like 2500 individuals, 2000 or so of
which have been loaned out to zoos or other institutions ("lemur pimps"?
Hmmmm...), so the center has 503 individuals.  Of the 2500 that the
center is responsible for, 91% of them were bred there - only 9%
represent captured lemurs.  That's pretty impressive.  If you want to go
for a tour, I just have a couple of suggestions.  First off, they're an
institution which is consistently under-funded, so have the good manners
not to argue about money (the tour is cheap anyways).  Second off,
please remember that these people do serious work.  They're not in the
business of entertaining tourists.  So check the place out, enjoy
yourself, but try to keep your place and don't tie them up for hours,
expecting them to entertain you.

                                                            Jim
-----------

(14) Does DUPC need volunteer helpers?

Sure!  Although they'll take volunteers, be aware that there are only so
many tour guides needed, though.  Some volunteers help out with animal
records and others help out in the fossil lab, and so forth.  Just call
Duke at [phone] if you live close enough to be able to help out.

While we're on the subject, here's an account Joel Furr wrote about what
it's like to volunteer there:

Those of you who've been to the DUPC know what a cool place it is.

However, I just wanted to let you know how much more interesting it is
when you're volunteering there and can come and go around the place.

My volunteer assignment, at present, is to wander down to the techs'
logbook on weekends and take pages up to the computer to enter into the
various animals' records.  For example, if the tech feeding the lemurs
in enclosure NHE2 notice the Lemur catta playing banjo over by the pond,
he or she will make a note in the logbook that looks like this:

      17/Nov/93  L.c. in NHE-2 seen playing banjo again.  Sounded like
      "Dixie."  Didn't identify specific animals.

And then I come along and enter it into the NHE-2 Lemur catta file.  If,
on the other hand, it's about a specific lemur such as, say, Nosferatu:

      17/Nov/93  D.m. Nosferatu #____ OR VIII b seen with Dr. Simons'
      copy of Das Kapital again.  Book was taken away from him and was
      replaced with some old Richie Rich comics.  Nosferatu went "EEEEP"
      when we gave him the comics.

I'd pull up Nosferatu's file, using his ID number, and add the log entry
to the list.  In other words, I get to pull up records on ALL THE LEMURS
THERE and see what they've been up to for the last three years or so (or
however long they've been there.)

Some of the techs have a sense of humor.  Or perhaps it's the lemurs.
Not sure which, really.  Reading about the aye-ayes going "EEEEP" and
eating all their aye-aye glop is fairly amusing.  [On the other hand,
reading about some of the lemurs in one of the large outdoor habitats
killing infants from other species in the neighboring habitat was a
little grim.]

Another cool thing about working as a volunteer there is giving tours.
I have only given one tour so far [at the time this was written] and
that was pretty much of a practice tour, given when a group of five
people called one morning to ask for a tour and I didn't know enough to
tell them that all our tours were filled.  So, I gave them the standard
DUPC stroll-around-in-a-big-circle-and-look-at-all-the-lemurs-
especially-Diphda tour, with help from the educational coordinator,
Carol Holman, who I brought along so she could correct me when I left
things out or got my facts wrong.  Giving lemur tours is right up there,
I think, with being captain of that jungle cruise boat at Walt Disney
World.  The lemurs study the people on the tour just as intently, if not
more so, than the people on the tour study the lemurs.  Some of the
lemurs, like the crowned lemurs, have a terrific knack for sneaking up
to the wall of their pen to eye you suspiciously, then bounding away in
no time at all the minute you glance around.

Lemurs can jump better than anyone.  When some of the lemurs, like the
Coquerel's Sifakas, are bounding around the upper branches of their
tree, or swinging from the roof of their enclosure to the walls and back
again, you begin to wonder if they didn't independently evolve Flubber.

Lemurs can also make noise better than just about anyone.  Well,
specifically those loony red-ruffed lemurs.  Red-ruffed lemurs and
black-and-white ruffed lemurs have an alarm call that they use whenever
they're startled, afraid, alarmed, or just bored.  Since they're not
very bright, as lemurs go, they sound the alarm call once every half
hour or so and keep it up for a few minutes until they finally realize
that they're not being devoured alive and that they might as well get
back to lying in unnatural positions on branches looking very comfort-
able.  We were standing in front of a pen of red-ruffeds the other day
when they did the call and it was like watching bullfrogs: their mouths
and throats expanded and out came this horrid cackling call that would
have made any predator handy bolt for cover.

Some of the lemurs have interesting personalities.  The aforementioned
Diphda, a red-ruffed lemur, is known as the three-legged lemur since she
had to have a forelimb amputated when she was very young, and as a
result was hand-raised by humans and likes them a lot.  Diphda will come
to the side of her pen when tours walk by and grin out at them, and if
you do it right, she'll let you pet her on the head or talk to her.  She
seems to have very little difficulty bounding around her pen, three legs
and all.

Bebop, on the other hand, is not kept where tours can see him.  A short,
surly-looking gentle bamboo lemur, he once fanged a tech so thoroughly
on the hands that she'll always have scars in the webbing between her
thumbs and forefingers.  One of the entries on Bebop in the logfile
refers to him being incarcerated in Maximum Security Cellblock #3.  He
LOOKS very cute, you see, in a surly sort of way, and clings to the bars
looking like he wants to nuzzle you, but if you reach tentatively out to
him, you get to see some VERY sharp little teeth.  Withdrawing your hand
quickly from his biting range is advised.

One of the more interesting experiences I've had since starting as a
volunteer at DUPC was getting to suit up in booties and a full body
coverall in order to visit the new Diademed Sifakas still in quarantine
in one of the subterranean chambers of the Center.  The Sifakas are
three in number: a mother and her son, and a sad-looking male who at
last report was getting over his captivity and adjusting to life
"inside."  With any luck, the male will form a mating bond with the
female.  We had to suit up to visit them since no one knows what
diseases a new species might carry, and no one knows how vulnerable they
might be to human diseases.  If we'd actually gone into their cage, we'd
even have had to put on masks. [Note: the Diademed Sifaka female died in
the first half of 1994, but the son and male are in fine shape.  DUPC
plans to bring in two females for them in 1995.]

If you're sitting at the computer on the top floor of the Primate
Center, you occasionally hear a loud THUNK from behind you.  One side of
the corridor looks out through large windows onto the enclosure where
Flavia and Nigel and their offspring, bouncy Coquerel's Sifakas all,
live.  It's a large enclosure with lots of branches and things to swing
on, and it's two stories high.  They like to peer out at the people
walking by, and sometimes, when I'm sitting there entering data, they'll
leap to the window and peer in at me.  That's the reason for those
occasional THUNKs.  You'll look around, and a black face surrounded by
glossy white and gold fur will be peering in at you.  [Due to cage
renovation, Nigel and company have now been moved to a large silo-style
cage further away from the Center proper.]

As Dr. Kenneth Glander, the director of the Primate Center told me on
Saturday, lemurs really WOULD go nuts trying to get Twinkies and Big K
Grape if they had a chance.  Lemurs are insatiable lovers of sweets.  We
were right all along!

Some of them do make a noise that sounds sorta like "Frink."  Especially
the Mongoose Lemurs.  It's a grunting sort of "Frink," but you can
tell, that's what they're saying.  I think the Red-Ruffed Lemurs' alarm
call is a loud, squawking "Ptang" as well.

------------

(15) Are the DUPC lemurs as intelligent as other primates?

Joel Furr wrote:

Lemurs have been denigrated by some as "less intelligent" than more
advanced primates such as monkeys, gorillas, and man.  Leaving
aside comparisons such as lemurs dancing naked in the woods while
men build atomic bombs, I personally feel that lemurs show a great
deal of intelligence and imagination.

Nowhere is this more evident than at the Duke University Primate
Center's Coquerel's Sifaka area.  The Sifakas overcame locks and
electric shocks to achieve their cryptic ends and managed to outwit
their keepers for quite a while.

It started one day when the lemurs in the core area downstairs in
the Primate Center building were found bounding around in the
hallway after David Haring, the colony manager, had been through
the area feeding the animals.  Haring thought he might have left
their door ajar after feeding them, so he made sure it was shut and
went back to his work elsewhere.  Soon thereafter, the lemurs were
found bounding around in the hallway again.  Upon observation, it
was discovered that one of the lemurs, Constantine, had figured out
how to work the door from the inside and get out.  A special lock
had to be installed to keep Constantine and his clan in their room.
Nevertheless, Constantine didn't give up.  Now and then, a tour
group would go through the area and, in the process, jostle his
door.  Constantine would tiptoe over, lemur-style, and check his
door... just in case.

Another Coquerel's Sifaka, Sabina by name, had some eating
problems.  As the dominant female of her group, she had rights of
first refusal to all food placed in her room, and she never saw an
item of food she didn't like.  Normal Coquerel's Sifakas weigh
about 8 pounds.  By the time Sabina had gotten done gorging herself
up to her maximum weight, she weighed 23.  Pictures of Sabina at
this time show a ball of fur that looks like three lemurs huddled
together.  Normal Coquerel's Sifakas can spring great distances
with amazing balance and precision.  Sabina, at maximum weight,
could hop a few inches.  Then hop again.  Apparently, it was both
funny and sad.  Clearly something had to be done.  The Primate
Center experimented with an invisible fencing collar, which would
give Sabina electric shocks if she got too close to the food
intended for the other lemurs in her room.  This worked for a while
until something happened to loosen the collar a little bit and she
was able to get at the food if she leaned over just right and
thereby avoided making contact with the electrode in the collar
that delivered the shocks.  She also worked out a method for
dragging the tray of food for the other lemurs across the room to
her and chowing down.  Finally, a combination of the electric
collar and firmly attaching the food tray for the other animals to
the floor got her weight down to a normal range.  Sadly, Sabina
died while on loan to a  zoo, apparently suffering a toxic reaction
to something in the food or in her cage.

Some of the ruffed lemurs, thought by some to be less intelligent
than other lemurs, show unusual wit (or at least inventiveness) as
well.  A black and white ruffed from one of the large outside
natural habitat enclosures, developed a fondness for the
Scuppernong grapes which grew nearby -- unfortunately, on the other
side of the electric fence that protects the lemurs from wandering
humans and keeps the lemurs in their study area.  The voltage isn't
set high enough to kill or injure the lemurs, but is high enough
that a normal lemur won't want to get a second shock after first
trying to scale the fence.  Not this lemur, though.  She decided
the grapes were worth it and would climb the fence, getting
shocked, eat her fill of grapes on the other side, then return home
to her enclosure, getting yet another shock in the process.

Then there was the red-ruffed lemur which escaped and found its
way to a golf course, ten miles away...  Lemurs do occasionally
escape from their enclosures and pens, sometimes as a result of
doors accidentally being left open, and sometimes when they manage
to burrow under the fence.  Often, the lemurs can be bribed back
into their enclosures or cages with raisins, which they adore, but
when this has to be done, it necessitates a later feeding of
raisins for no reason at all, lest the lemurs come to associate
raisins with escaping or with getting imprisoned again.  Sometimes
the lemurs wander around the center's grounds for a few hours until
they get hungry and turn up looking to get fed.  All lemurs wear
collars with unique combinations of colors and symbols (so they can
be identified at a distance), and marked with the Primate Center's
phone number so they can be reported in should they turn up lost
and forlorn miles from home.  A red-ruffed lemur made it as far as
a golf course in the neighboring city of Hillsborough, over ten
miles away. Fortunately, the people at the golf course saw the
phone number on the lemur's collar and called the Primate Center to
come get their "cat."  There was no report on how well the lemur
had done on the course that day, nor what handicap lemurs normally
get when playing golf.

------------

The final section of the FAQ is Part 7: Real Lemur Facts.

 ------------------------------------------------------------------
This section of the FAQ partially adapted from publications of DUPC.
  Revised April 5, 1993 by Joel Furr, [e-mail]
   Revised July 6, 1993 by Joel Furr, [e-mail]
    Revised August 10, 1994 by Joel Furr, [e-mail]





Path: senator-bedfellow.mit.edu!faqserv
From: [e-mail] (Joel K. Furr)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.lemurs,alt.answers,news.answers
Subject: alt.fan.lemurs: Frinkquently Asked Questions (Part 7 of 7, Real Lemur Facts)
Supersedes: <lemur-faq/[e-mail]>
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Date: 21 Jun 1995 11:18:55 GMT
Organization: none
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Approved: [e-mail]
Expires: 14 Jul 1995 11:17:50 GMT
Message-ID: <lemur-faq/[e-mail]>
References: <lemur-faq/[e-mail]>
NNTP-Posting-Host: bloom-picayune.mit.edu
Summary: This posting contains a list of Frequently Asked Questions (and the best answers we got) about Lemurs.  It should be read by anyone who wishes to post to the alt.fan.lemurs newsgroup.
X-Last-Updated: 1995/02/08
Originator: [e-mail]
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Archive-name: lemur-faq/part7
Alt-fan-lemurs-archive-name: lemur-faq/part7
Last-modified: 1994/08/02
Version: 4.0

    Official USENET Alt.Fan.Lemurs Frinkquently Asked Questions
                  Part 7 of 7  -- Real Lemur Facts


------------------------------

                           The Questions

(1) How did alt.fan.lemurs get started?  Where did all this madness
    come from?
(2) Scientifically speaking, what is a lemur?
(3) What are some good books to read if I'd like to know more
     about lemurs?
(4) What is Primate Info Net?
(5) What's the rarest kind of lemur?
(6) Would lemurs make good pets?
(7) Who is Ali Lemer?
(8) Who is Rick Frink?
(9) Is "Frink" in any dictionary?
(10) Where can I find .GIFs of Lemurs?
(11) Are there any drinks inspired by lemurs?
(12) How can I make my own Twinkies at home?
(13) Is Terry Chan in the alt.fan.lemurs FAQ?
(14) What's significant about Tob Wood?
(15) What _is_ Big K Grape Soda?
(16) What was alt.fan.lemurs/alt.folklore.urban Southeast?
(17) What was alt.fan.lemurs/soc.singles Southeast?
(18) What was Lemurcon '94?
(19) Got any nifty factoids about lemurs to wrap things up with?

------------------------------

                            The Answers

(1) How did alt.fan.lemurs get started?  Where did all this madness
    come from?

As with many things, it had humble beginnings. Specifically, on a
bulletin board, vtcosy.cns.vt.edu, at Virginia Tech in Blacksburg,
Virginia.  We were in the system administration conference on that BBS
chatting about system configuration when one participant called another
participant a 'lamer'.  Someone else pretended to misunderstand and
thought the other person was being called a lemur.  A third person said
something like "I thought lemurs were the little furry critters with the
big eyes."

Believe it or not, that's where it all started.  A few of us, college
students full of caffeine, thought that was extremely funny and the
lemur jokes started.  We kidded the sys-admin about his artificial
intelligence lemur detection routines which were slowing the system down
at peak times, and then one guy showed up and asked if anyone wanted to
go lemur-tipping.

Before we knew it, there was a full-fledged conference on that BBS about
lemurs.  About jokes about lemurs, specifically, as none of us had ever
seen a lemur or heard of the Duke University Primate Center.  We weren't
even particularly sure what they looked like, except that we were fairly
sure that they had big eyes.

Lemur jokes flooded the entire BBS.  People got testy about having
people showing up babbling about lemurs in, say, the general chat
conference, 'bar', or in the conference for discussing the local sci-fi
con, 'technicon'.  It was like a virus -- spread, in large part, by
yours truly.  It was a collectively shared hallucination, to put it one
way -- without ever explicitly saying "these are the ground rules"
everyone came to understand that lemurs loved Twinkies and Big K Grape
Soda (sold at fine Kroger stores everywhere), had only three words in
their vocabulary (cheep, frink, and ptang) which meant various things
depending on the eye motions of the lemur involved, were tremendously
sexually attracted to large-eyed primates, and that they loved to swing
from ceiling lights.  Everything else was based on those shared beliefs.

All the stuff about cows that made it into the newsgroup later on was
also evolved on VTCOSY in the separate 'cows' conference.  As we
understood it, the cows had a big crashed spaceship in a field somewhere
near Blacksburg but had lost the keys and couldn't get back in, except
for one deranged member of the herd known only as the Terror Cow.  The
Terror Cow roamed the streets of Blacksburg driving a strange and
heavily-armed form of assault vehicle (Virginia license plate "MOO 1")
and eventually had to be dealt with.  When we hit the big time on the
Internet (see below), the Cow stuff was ported along with all the lemur
stuff since it was the other "big joke" from VTCOSY.

About the middle of 1991, I found out how to get onto the Internet.
Trained to assume that every discussion group would profit from an
injection of lemurism, I acted accordingly.  Not that there was a huge
influx of lemur humor -- no one knew what I was talking about.  It died
down somewhat, but then I found out how one gets a new newsgroup started
-- you go to alt.config, propose it, and get flamed.

So, I did.  August 1992 was when I first proposed it.  I got flamed.  No
one knew what the hell lemurs were, for the most part, and those that
did didn't see the need for a whole newsgroup dedicated to rare and
little-known family of primates. I came back two months later, at the
end of October, and proposed it again and finally, someone agreed to
create alt.fan.lemurs.

Then, boom -- I lost net access for the better part of a month.
Discussion was taking place on the newsgroup and I wasn't able to
participate.  When I finally showed up there, people had half- heartedly
talked about lemurs from a scientific standpoint and about seeing the
critters in zoos.

Determined to steer these people back onto the straight and narrow, I
began posting my lemur jokes saved up from VTCOSY. Traffic dropped off
precipitously as some people left and others waited to see what was
going on.

Finally, via the strategy of cross-posting to humor newsgroups, I
attracted enough of a critical mass that the free-for-all called
alt.fan.lemurs truly got underway.

We started the stuff that you see today in the alt.fan.lemurs FAQ -- the
stuff about Twinkies and Big K, of course, began at Virginia Tech but
achieved the truly magnificent proportions of the present day once
people came to understand the Way of the Lemur.

Somewhere along about January 1993, if memory serves, someone finally
posted to alt.fan.lemurs to tell us that there was a huge agglomeration
of real lemurs in Durham, North Carolina -- barely four hours (if you
obeyed the speed limits) southeast of Blacksburg.  It was called "Duke
University Primate Center" and apparently, as we understood it, bred
lemurs.  It wasn't until later in the year that we bothered to actually
call down to DUPC and get information on their programs -- and hence, we
spent a good while totally clueless about lemurs and what sort of
animals they really were.

Alt.fan.lemurs got its infamous FAQ in stages starting in January of
1993 and evolving and growing over the course of the year until it was
finally separated into six parts in early July.

Finally, in March, we finally got around to telephoning the Duke
University Primate Center and arranging a tour.  We tried to organize a
mini-con around it called "alt.fan.lemurs/alt.folklore.urban Southeast
I" (I was also very active on alt.folklore.urban at the time and wanted
to get as many people there as possible) and ultimately attracted a
whopping total of six people.  We went on a tour of the place and
abruptly, the newsgroup took on its second big theme, Saving the Lemurs.
I'd had no idea how endangered the critters were and how desperate the
situation in Madagascar was.

I came back, added the DUPC section of the FAQ, and went on to start a
joint Adopt-A-Lemur program for readers of the newsgroup. DUPC was
already running an Adopt-A-Lemur program but the adoptions cost as much
as $150 and hence I figured we'd have more luck if we pooled our money
for adoptions.  Some people could afford to adopt their own, and did so,
and some people couldn't, and hence we wound up group-adopting six DUPC
lemurs: an aye-aye named Nosferatu, a red-bellied lemur named Cheyenne,
a Coquerel's Sifaka named Nigel, a savage little bamboo lemur named
Bebop, a crowned lemur named Redjedef, and finally, a ringtailed lemur
named Leonidas.

DUPC didn't really know who the heck we were since very few of their
staff had any experience with the Internet at all but they were more
than happy to take our money.

Alt.fan.lemurs went through one really big flamewar in May of 1993 when
I, feeling my oats with such a thriving newsgroup, decided to propose a
move to a "Big 7" newsgroup in one of the better-propagated hierarchies
such as talk or rec or misc. Unfortunately, my plan backfired when
crossposted flames from news.groups showed up in alt.fan.lemurs and
drove some people away.  We were months recovering.

The group has settled down to a stable 20-30 messages a week, half being
about events and goings-on in the world of real-life lemurs and half
being about typical lemur silliness.  The newsgroup is relatively
insignificant compared to groups attracting hundreds of thousands of
readers such as rec.humor or alt.sex, but alt.fan.lemurs does
theoretically get about 40,000 readers worldwide.  This places it near
the top of the bottom quartile of newsgroups in readership.

Alt.fan.lemurs is significant in that we never, ever have flamewars.  No
one ever gets up and howls and rants and we're scarcely ever even
invaded by vandals from other groups.  I suspect it's the Terror Cow at
work.

Alt.fan.lemurs IS about taking over the world, bit by bit, but it's also
about saving a lot of very wonderful animals whose only fault is that
they have a little too much of the sweet tooth (a lemur will do anything
for raisins, and if the staff at DUPC ever actually let one get a
Twinkie, the wildest speculations of alt.fan.lemurs would probably pale
by comparison to the reality of a sugar-binging prosimian).

Here are the original messages from vtcosy.cns.vt.edu that got it all started:

Ron Jarrell, [e-mail];
Todd Perry, [e-mail];
Joel Furr, [e-mail]; and
Vance Kochenderfer, [e-mail]

These four people, and a few innocent bystanders, engaged in a
conversation on vtcosy.cns.vt.edu that inspired Joel Furr to
create first a lemurs "conference" and then go on to infect
USENET with lemur chat.  It's all Ron and Todd and Vance's fault,
as you'll see from the excepts below:

>Ed Chamberlayne (responding to someone's insult about Ed being
>in everyone's crosshairs):  Well...I'm in the crosshairs. Goody.
>Lamer.  Yes.  Lamer.  Probe a thesaurus??  Get real geekmeister.
>I certainly don't need to consult  reference books when compos-
>ing a message.  I guess you do, huh??
>Ron Jarrell (responding to Ed):  I still think a Lamer is a type
>of monkey.

>Joel Furr (responding to Ron):  No, that's a lemur.  The differ-
>ence is that Lemurs are not eligible for membership in Toastmas-
>ters International, being incapable of human speech.

>C. Carson (commenting to Joel): Not too mention the Mongo size
>Eyes...

>Joel Furr (blathering on):  Lemurs are actually primates, as you
>know.  The clever little fellas inhabit the island of Madagascar
>and some species are so shy that only one or two individuals of
>each species have ever been seen.

>Ron Jarrell (in an entirely different conversation):  Well, as
>of the nightly report last night we had processed 27,885 usenet
>messages, up from a normal high of anywhere from 9-11,000....

>Joel Furr (reviving the thread):  How many of them were about
>lemurs?

>Daniel Pawtowski (interjecting):  Probably fewer than there were
>about cows.

>Ron Jarrell (responding to Joel):  I haven't had the chance yet
>to run the artificial intelligent lemur detection routines on
>it.. Even the 5810's RISC chip can only do about 100 lemurs a
>second, so I didn't want to bog it down with 27,000 lemurs.

>Todd Perry (commenting to Ron):  Where did you get that figure?
>Be careful with the Lemur benchmark.  Several manufacturers have
>rigged their compilers to detect Lemur benchmark code and opti-
>mize it to death, so you get a much higher lemurs/sec rating
>than you would in real life...

>Joel Furr (also commenting to Ron):  Well, that would only take
>270 seconds... four and a half minutes, and think of all the
>lemurs you could detect in that time.

>Vance Kochenderfer (coming in from out of the blue):  Anyone
>want to go out and do some lemur-tipping?

>Ron Jarrell (ignoring Joel and Vance and commenting to Todd): Oh
>really? I might have been getting psuedo-lemurs?  I'll see if I
>can find the real lemur count..

>Joel Furr (summing up): Inquiring lemurs want to know.

And it raged on from there.

---------------

(2) Scientifically speaking, what is a lemur?

A lemur is a primate, member of the same order of mammals that men and
apes belong to.  However, lemurs are thought to be less evolutionarily
advanced than men and apes and monkeys are, representing the stage of
evolution our ancestors would have been at several million years ago.
Note that this does not mean that we are descended from lemurs.
Ultimately, somewhere far back, we share a common ancestor.  Lemurs are
often lumped in with other somewhat less advanced primates known
collectively as "prosimians."  Other animals sometimes referred to as
prosimians include tarsiers, lorises, bushbabies, galagos, pottos, and
so forth.  None of the aforementioned animals are _lemurs_ per se:
lemurs are prosimians who live on Madagascar and the surrounding islands
and who belong to the superfamily _Lemuroidea_.

The major difference between lemurs (and prosimians in general) and
other primates is, believe it or not, the wet nose.  Lemurs have 'wet
noses' like dogs and rely more on scent than do 'more advanced' primates.

Alt.fan.lemurs has its very own lemur researcher, Mr. Bill Sellers, who
recently finished his PhD. dissertation on the mechanics of lemur
leaping.  The following list of lemur families, genii, and species has
been run past him but probably still isn't 100% correct.   If it's
crucial that you know the exact status of lemur taxonomy, send email to
[e-mail]... that's Mr. William I. Sellers, thankyewverymuch.
:)

Anyway: on to the lemur taxonomy:

Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Chordata
Class: Mammalia
Order: Primates

Primates can be divided into two suborders.  The older division was
between prosimians ("almost monkeys") and anthropoids ("man-like").  The
newer division is between Strepsirhini (wet noses) and Haplorhini (dry
noses).  This change results in tarsiers being grouped with monkeys,
apes, and humans as haplorhines; all other prosimians are strepsirhines.
(Thus, tarsiers are not listed here, despite still being classed as
"prosimians".)

Suborder: Strepsirhini

Superfamily: Lemuroidea

  Family: Cheirogaleidae
    Subfamily: Cheirogaleinae
      Genus: _Microcebus_
        Species: _murinus_, gray mouse lemur
                 _rufus_, rufous mouse lemur
                 _coquereli_, Coquerel's mouse lemur
      Genus: _Cheirogaleus_
        Species: _major_, greater dwarf lemur
                 _medius_, fat-tailed dwarf lemur
                 _trichotis_, hairy-eared dwarf lemur
    Subfamily: Phanerinae
      Genus: _Phaner_
        Species: _furcifer_, forked-marked dwarf lemur

  Family: Lemuridae
      Genus: _Lemur_
        Species: _catta_, ring-tailed lemur
      Genus: _Eulemur_
        Species: _macaco_, black lemur
                 _fulvus_, brown lemur
                 _mongoz_, mongoose lemur
                 _coronatus_, crowned lemur
                 _rubriventer_, red-bellied lemur
      Genus: _Varecia_
        Species: _variegatus_, ruffed lemur
      Genus: _Hapalemur_
        Species: _griseus_, gray gentle lemur
                 _simus_, broad-nosed gentle lemur
                 _aureus_, golden bamboo lemur

  Family: Lepilemuridae
      Genus: _Lepilemur_
        Species: _doralis_, (no common name)
                 _ruficaudatus_, red-tailed sportive lemur
                 _edwardsi_, Edward's sportive lemur
                 _leucopus_, (no common name)
                 _mustelinus_, (no common name)
                 _microdon_, (no common name)
                 _septentrionalis_, (no common name)

  Family: Indriidae
      Genus: _Avahi_
        Species: _laniger_, avahi or woolly lemur
      Genus: _Propithecus_
        Species: _verreauxi_, Verreaux's sifaka
                 _diadema_, diademed sifaka
                 _tattersalli_, Tattersall's sifaka?
      Genus: _Indri_
        Species: _indri_, Indri (aka babakoto)

Superfamily: Daubentonioidea
  Family: Daubentoniidae
      Genus: _Daubentonia_
        Species: _madagascarienis_, aye-aye

FYI, the _following_ critters _are_ prosimians, and _are_ strepsirhines,
but are _not_ lemurs, since they belong to a different superfamily and
don't live in Madagascar.  They are simply listed so you'll know what
other animals are currently considered to be prosimians.  (As above,
tarsiers are now considered to be more similar to apes and men than to
prosimians such as lorises and lemurs.)

Superfamily: Lorisoidea
  Family: Lorisidae
    Subfamily: Lorisinae
      Genus: _Loris_
        Species: _tardigradus_, slender loris
      Genus: _Nycticebus_
        Species: _coucang_, slow loris
      Genus: _Arctocebus_
        Species: _calabarensis_, angwantibo
      Genus: _Perodicticus_
        Species: _potto_, potto
    Subfamily: Galaginae
      Genus: _Galago_
        Species: _alleni_, Allen's bushbaby
                 _crassicaudatus_, thick-tailed bushbaby
                 _senegalenis_, lesser bushbaby
                 _inustus_, (no common name)
                 _demidovii_, Demidoff's dwarf galago
                 _elegantulus_, needle-nailed bushbaby

I hope this is getting to be more or less correct.  Bill Sellers tells
us that lemur scientists periodically regroup the genii, renaming the
genii and moving one genus into a different family as more is learned
about the animal, but that _species_ names tend to stay the same.

---------------

(3) What are some good books to read if I'd like to know more about
lemurs?

Two very good books that look at lemurs from a zoological and biological
standpoint, reviewing the entire gamut of lemurs from aye-ayes to
indris, are:

  Catherine Harcourt, _Lemurs of Madagascar and the Comoros : the IUCN red
  data book_  (This one has lots of black and white photos, and is the
  most recent of the two.)

  Ian Tattersall,  _Lemurs of Madagascar_  (This one is a little older but
  is the Bible of the lemur research field.)

  Wilson, Jane, _Lemurs of the lost world : exploring the forests and
  Crocodile Caves of Madagascar_

  Peter M. Kappeler and Jorg U. Ganzhorn, Eds.  _Lemur Social Systems and
  Their Ecological Basis_.

Another book, somewhat broader in scope, is Napier and Napier's _Handbook of
Living Primates_, published by the British Natural History Museum.

If you want books that talk about lemurs from an anecdotal standpoint, try
these two:

  Durrell, Gerald Malcolm, _The aye-aye and I: a rescue mission in
  Madagascar_  (Great descriptions of gentle lemurs and aye-ayes.)

  Adams, Douglas, _Last Chance to See_  (The author of _The Hitchhiker's
  Guide to the Galaxy travels to far-off spots to see animals that are in
  grave danger of extinction.  Very interesting stuff about aye-ayes.)

And, of course, there's the famous kids' book, _Hook A Book Lemur_:

  Zoe Wilmot and David Anstey, _Hook A Book Lemur_.  (This book is written
  for 2-3 year olds, I guess, and is printed on that thick, cardboard-like
  paper, so even though it's 3/4 inches thick it only has about 6 pages.
  The cover features a ring tailed lemur. His tail forms a hook that juts
  out from the top of the book. (Hence the term "Hook-a-book," and hence the
  cardboard paper.) At the bottom, his hands join together forming a handle
  -- a handle that's just the right size for a tiny hand to hold on to the
  book.)

KG Anderson provided a few magazine references, since some of the above books
are fairly technical:

1) August 1988 National Geographic: an EXCELLENT article by Alison
Jolly, the Queen of lemur studies. Dr. Jolly was one of the first
researchers to study lemur behavior in the wild. This is the all-time
greatest issue of National Geographic if you're a lemur fan. The
pictures in this issue are just awesome.

2) January 1993 Scientific American. Another great article, this one
by Ian Tattersall. (If Alison Jolly is the Queen of lemur studies,
Dr. Tattersall is probably the King.) About ten pages. A pretty cool
read.

3) August (I think) 1993 BBC Wildlife. This is for you British lemur
fans out there. There's a beautiful photo spread taken by David
Haring, the colony manager of DUPC (who also doubles as the court
photographer of lemur studies and/or photographer to the stars).
Highly recommended.

4) November/December 1993 issue of The Sciences. There's an article
by Elwyn Simons, scientific director of DUPC, about recent excava-
tions of fossil and subfossil lemurs in Madagascar. (Since he used to
be Ian Tattersall's advisor, Dr Simons must be the Emperor of lemur
studies.) No pretty pictures, alas 8-(, nor any mention of the
fossilized bottles of Big-K that undoubtedly lured those ancient
lemurs into the caves to their doom in the first place, but the
article itself is well worth reading if your interest in lemurs goes
beyond their fuzzy coats and bright eyes.

5) December 1993 Southern Living. Southern Living?  A bit odd, but
true. Basically it's a brief interview with Elwyn Simons and Kenneth
Glander, of the DUPC, entitled "Adventures in Lemurland." It has 3
nice photos, of (if I recall correctly) a coquerel sifaka (eating
raisins out of the hands of the aforementioned humans), a red-ruffed
lemur, and a female blue-eyed black (they're SO beautiful). Oh, I
forgot to mention that Dr Glander is the Director of the DUPC. That
makes him, I don't know, Lord High Chancellor of lemur studies.

---------------

(4) What is Primate Info Net?

Primate Info Net is an Internet Gopher (gopher.primate.wisc.edu) network
for people with an interest in the field of primatology.  PIN is
maintained by the Wisconsin Regional Primate Research Center Library at
the University of Wisconsin-Madison.  Among the resources accessible in
PIN are a taxonomy of the primates, audiovisual resources, a list of
specialized bibliographies, information about Primate-Talk (an email
based listserver) the latest issue of the Laboratory Primate Newsletter
and other resources pertinent to the field.  Other menu choices will be
added to PIN in the future.

To make suggestions or for more information about Primate Info Net,
contact Larry Jacobsen, Head of Library Services, Primate Center Library
Wisconsin Regional Primate Research Center, Madison, WI 53715-1299.

Email:  [e-mail]
Tel:  [phone]
Fax:  [phone]

---------------

(5)  What's the rarest kind of lemur?

Several species that are quite rare are the golden bamboo lemur
(which was thought extinct until a few were found lurking in the jungle),
the golden-crowned sifaka (which was identified as a species unto itself
not too many years ago, and which lives only in a very small part of the
island of Madagascar), the Lake Alaotra bamboo lemur (which is a
subspecies of your basic bamboo lemur, hapalemur griseus, and which is
commonly sold for food by the natives who don't know about laws against
eating or killing lemurs), the red-bellied lemur (which for some reason is
plummeting in numbers in the wild and no one knows why), and the aye-aye
(which was also thought extinct and which is very rarely sighted).

---------------

(6) Would lemurs make good pets?

In the words of Joao de Souza, who researched the issue:

- In some cities in the USA it is legal to own a lemur, but you will
  have some very hard time trying to find one for sale.  Pet shops
  will NOT carry them, and any reputable zoo or university will NOT
  sell you one of theirs.

- Having a lemur as a pet is not at all a good idea.  Okay, they are
  adorable looking little cretures, but thats when you don't have to
  take care of them.  First of all, like most primates, lemurs are
  VERY strong.  They like to run around and to climb onto your
  furniture.  Unless you have a huge back-yard, and are willing to
  transforming it into a cage, the lemur WILL destroy your house.
- Lemurs cannot be house trained (they will defecate wherever they
  feel like, and they will pee all over the house in order to mark
  the territory).  If you try to house train a lemur, it will turn
  violent, and you don't want a pissed-off lemur anywere near you.

You may want to try some easier pet (ie: an elephant, a couple of
giraffes, a herd of buffalos, etc... :-)

---------------

(7) Who is Ali Lemer?

Take it from the horse's mouth:

>From: [e-mail] (Ali Lemer)
>Subject: Uh...you're not going to believe this, but...
>Organization: Columbia University Center for Telecommunications Research
>Date: Sat, 20 Feb 1993 21:50:16 GMT
>
>Wow...I think I finally found my netnews niche. Perhaps I could be the
>a.f.l.'s official mascot, for...
>
>...my last name is, LEMER (pronounced LEE-mer, as in our favourite
>primate).
>
>Yes, believe it or not, folks. People always say to me, "Lemer? As in the
>monkey?" and I always have to say, "Yeah. <sigh> But with an 'e'."
>
>In fact, a kid in 10th grade called me, "Ali the Ring-Tailed Lemer from
>Madagascar" once...
>
>Well, there you have it, at any rate.
>
>-- Ali Lemer.

---------------

(8) Who is Rick Frink?

>Rick Frink                                              [phone]
>Mead Data Central                             Telecomm/Campus Networks
>P.O. Box 933                                       [e-mail]
>Dayton, Ohio  45401                          ...!uunet!meaddata!rfrink

No one's told him yet of the unfortunate similarity of his name to the sound
commonly used by the average lemur for a wide variety of purposes, some of
them even printable in a family newsgroup.

----------------

(9) Is "Frink" in any dictionary?

Alt.fan.lemurs made another step upwards toward respectability when 'frink',
the Lemur verb of unknown meaning, was included in the latest release of the
Jargon File.  The Jargon File is the closest thing that the computer and
USENET world have to an unabridged dictionary.  You can ftp the Jargon File
from lots of FTP sites.  Email [e-mail] or ask on
alt.folklore.computers to find the best place to snag it.

Here's the definition, per Eric Raymond:

:frink: /frink/ v. The unknown ur-verb, fill in your own meaning.
   Found esp. on the USENET newsgroup alt.fan.lemurs, where it is
   said that the lemurs know what `frink' means, but they aren't
   telling.  Compare {gorets}.

---------------

(10) Where can I find .GIFs of Lemurs?

The following sites have lemur .GIFs in the following directories:

wuarchive.wustl.edu, /graphics/gif/l
compute1.cc.ncsu.edu, /mirrors/wustl/graphics/gif/l
plaza.aarnet.edu.au, /graphics/gif/l
ccsun.unicamp.br,  /pub/images/animals

The files are "lemur01" through "lemur11" -- .gif or .jpg.

You can also find some lemur pics on the furry FTP site (avatar.snc.edu). in
/pub/furry/images/downloads/l.  A master index is in file index-by-date in
/pub/furry/misc.  They ask for access only between 1800-0600 Central time.


---------------

(11) Are there any drinks inspired by lemurs?

Yes.  Here are three.  Try them at your own risk.

  From: Spike the Destroyer <[e-mail]>
  Subject: Screaming Lemur Recipe

  >Take one standard sized $8.99 bottle of reasonably cheap gin.  We
  >use Popov.  Purchase a package of Hawaiian Punch drink mix.  The
  >traditional flavor of choice is "Sharkleberry Punch", but a
  >reasonable alternative is Rock Island Red or some other silly
  >name.  Just as long as the hue of the drink is resembles the
  >intesine of a lemur. (light to medium pink) Mix the two together,
  >and ice heavily.
  >
  >That's it! If you proportion it correctly, it should be very
  >sweet with only a slight hint of gin aftertaste.  You may dillute
  >with sugar or water if you really need to.

  From: Joel Furr ([e-mail])
  Subject: Reeling Lemur Recipe

  >Ingredients:
  >3/4 glass of Big K Grape Soda
  >1/4 glass of "Aristocrat" vodka
  >Ice
  >
  >One or two of these will have the most well-balanced and upright
  >lemur staggering and reeling around the apartment.


  From: [e-mail] (Richard A. Schumacher)
  Subject: Recipe for "Sleepy Lemur"

  >1 oz. Kahlua
  >1 oz. creme de Cacao
  >1 oz. vodka
  >Balance skim milk and chipped ice
  >
  >Serve in a large truncated conical glass, or in a plastic rocket
  >ship with a straw.


---------------

(12) How can I make my own Twinkies at home?

Sylvia Sotomayor ([e-mail]) tells all:

     This is primarily (but not only) for our British readers, who are having
     difficulties getting twinkies (tm).

     I got this twinkie recipe from a book Top Secret Recipes, by Todd
     Wilbur, published by Plume.  $10.  ISBN 0-452-26995-4.

     I didn't get permission to share this or anything, but then I work for
     Plume, so they better not mind.  Besides, this book has lots and lots of
     neat recipes in it, so it is worth buying anyway!

     Twinkie Recipe:

     You will need a spice bottle (approximately the size of a Twinkie),
     twelve 12 by 14 inch pieces of aluminum foil, a cake decorator or pastry
     bag, and a toothpick.

     Ingredients:
     for the Cake:  nonstick spray, 4 egg whites, one 16 ounce box golden
     pound (or sponge, whatever) cake mix, and 2/3 cup water.

     for the Filling:  2 tablespoons butter, 1/3 cup vegetable shortening, 1
     cup powdered sugar, 1/4 cup granulated sugar, 1/3 cup evaporated milk, 1
     tea-spoon vnilla extract, and 2 drops lemon extract.

     Step 1:  Preheat the oven to 325 degrees Fahrenheit.

     Step 2:  Fold each piece of aluminum foil in half twice.  Wrap the
     folded foil around the spice bottle to create a mold.  Leae the top of
     the mold open for pouring in the batter.  Make twelve of these molds and
     arrange them on a cookie sheet or in a shallow pan.  Grease the inside
     of each mold with a light coating of nonstick spray.  (According to the
     diagrams in the book, a Twinkie is approximately four inches long, 1 and
     3/4 inches wide and about an inch or so tall.)

     Step 3:  Disregard the instructions on the box of cake mix.  Instead,
     beat the egg whites until stiff.  Combine them with the cake mix and
     water, and beat until thoroughly blended (about 2 minutes).

     Step 4:  Pour the batter into the molds, filling each one about 3/4
     inch. Bake in the preheated oven for 30 minutes, or until the cake is
     golden  brown and a toothpick stuck in the center comes out clean.

     Step 5:  For the filling, cream the butter and shortening.  Slowly add
     the sugars while beating.

     Step 6:  Add the evaporated milk, vanilla, and lemon extract.

     Step 7:  Mix on medium speed ntil completely smooth and fluffy.

     Step 8:  When the cakes are done and cooled, use a toothpick to make
     three small holes in the bottom of each one.  Move the toothpick around
     the inside of each cake to create space for the filling.

     Step 9:  Using a cake decorator or pastry bag, inject each cake with
     filling through all three holes.

     Makes 12.

     End of recipe.

     They, of course, forgot to add Step 10:  Feed to thankful lemurs.

     Enjoy,

     Sylvia


Try it!


---------------


(13) Is Terry Chan in the alt.fan.lemurs FAQ?

Yes.  His address is [e-mail].  Send him all the fan mail you
want.

---------------

(14) What's significant about Tob Wood?

Tob Wood, aka [e-mail], was toasted with a special
birthday toast at AFU/AFL Southeast, held at Raleigh/Durham,
North Carolina, on March 27, 1993.  Basically, Tob couldn't
attend, since he's all the way out in Omaha, Nebraska, but since
his birthday fell on the 27th, he asked that we take brief note
of it in passing during the event.  A group of people, some of
whom had even posted to alt.fan.lemurs at some point in their
lifetime, took time out from their discussions of zeppelins and
alternate histories to have a toast of Big K Grape Soda to Tob.

---------------

(15) What _is_ Big K Grape Soda?

Big K Grape Soda is a brand of soda sold by Kroger supermarkets.
Kroger is a fairly wide-spread chain with offices in Cincinnati,
Ohio and stores located in many U.S. states.  Kroger has, as most
supermarkets do, an essentially generic house brand of most
everything.  In the case of soda, the house brand is called "Big
K."  It usually sells for about 49 or 59 cents per 2 liter jug
and isn't all that bad.  Lemurs like it because of that great
generic taste.

---------------

(16) What was alt.fan.lemurs/alt.folklore.urban Southeast?

alt.fan.lemurs/alt.folklore.urban Southeast was a get-together held on March
27, 1993 in Raleigh-Durham, North Carolina, including people from
alt.fan.lemurs and alt.folklore.urban.  Since it was the first such event held
in the southeastern USA, the turnout was not massive, but attendance is
expected to rise in future years.  Attending on behalf of alt.fan.lemurs were
Joel Furr and Vance Kochenderfer; attending on behalf of alt.folklore.urban
were Bruce Tindall, Jim Cambias, and Diane Kelly.  Also attending was Dena
Barbee (a member of the great non-USENET world population) and three goats,
one cat, and infinite numbers of lemurs.  The featured attraction was a tour
of the Duke University Primate Center, located in Durham.  In addition to the
tour, the participants had lunch at a dim sum restaurant, beer at a brewpub,
and a relaxing evening of urban legend trading in Bruce Tindall's palatial
mansion in Carpenter, North Carolina.

---------------

(17) What was alt.fan.lemurs/soc.singles Southeast?

It's a long story -- the soc.singles newsgroup had been planning a big "boink"
as they called it in Durham, North Carolina, during the June 18-19-20 weekend
of 1993.  Louise Perry, an alt.fan.lemurs reader who studies in England yet
who was visiting her family in the USA, was also going to be in Durham for a
DUPC visit as she had adopted a red-ruffed lemur named Diphda.  Since there
were all these people in the Durham area I knew vaguely, I went down too!
When all was said and done, we had a group of some fifteen people going around
the standard DUPC tour.  We got to see some of the animals we'd adopted, but
not up close and personal since the educational coordinator who would have
arranged that was not on duty that day.  Louise did get to meet Diphda and
pose for photos, and I got to wow everyone with my encyclopedic knowledge of
lemur trivia.  We also got to see the new DUPC noctural animals facility,
which was crammed with adorable little mouse lemurs and lorises and tarsiers.

This time around, the people present were as follows.  There were three
alt.fan.lemurs readers there and three associated hangers-on; the three
readers were Joel Furr, Louise Perry, and Timothy Satterfield (a Durham-area
resident).  Louise had brought along her boyfriend, Jim Parberry of Norfolk,
England, and Tim had brought along two friends from the locality, Cheryl and
Jared Murphy.  We were accompanied into the Primate Center by someone who'd
unexpectedly shown up as well: Dena Barbee, the friend of Bruce Tindall's who
participated in AFL/AFU Southeast yet missed the lemur tour through unexpected
circumstances.  Dena was back to do the tour for the first time and
coincidentally was there the same day as AFL/SS Southeast.   Our contingent
from soc.singles consisted of Beth "Diamond" Abrams, Paul Wallich, Seth
Breidbart, and Eleanor "Piglet" Evans.  There were apparently dozens of other
soc.singles-ites wandering around Durham that day that we only glimpsed
lolling at a picnic table on the DUPC grounds as we were finishing our tour.

---------------

(18) What was Lemurcon '94?

Lemurcon '94 was the first big alt.fan.lemurs gathering, once again being held
in Durham, North Carolina. Its success had a lot to do with the fact that, for
the first time, someone from the newsgroup was actually IN DURHAM and there-
fore could coordinate events with the Duke University Primate Center, set up a
hotel, get the barbecue stuff, and so forth without having to do a lot of long
distance calls.

Lemurcon '94 took place on a scorcher of a day, Saturday, July 9, 1994.  Quite
a few of the out-of-towners had met the night before for dinner at Ole NC
Barbecue in north Durham.  The day's program consisted of a lengthy tour of
the Primate Center guided by Scientific Director and internationally known
paleontologist and primatologist, Dr. Elwyn Simons... including a lengthy
foray to visit with the black and white ruffed lemurs and ringtailed lemurs in
one of the large Natural Habitat Enclosures and a very up close and personal
nuzzling by Canopus the black and white ruffed lemur, and a lecture on the
history of the Prehistoric Sloth Lemur.  The people who'd adopted lemurs were
taken off into the depths of the woods to find their adopted animals while
others went off to tour the Nocturnal Building, and Joel Furr and David Witzel
singed all the hair off their hands cooking hamburgers.  During lunch, the
adopters returned and ate and then did the Nocturnal Building thang while
others spent a lot of money in the DUPC gift shop.  After 4 pm arrived, some
people went home and others went to their hotel rooms to shower and change for
dinner, which was held at the Olive Garden restaurant in south Durham.

Memorable moments included:

      * Canopus nuzzling all of us, apparently out of affection but actually
      looking for food
      * Chiggers, chiggers, chiggers!
      * Finding the slimy thing in the box of Twinkies
      * Rollande Krandall playing her ocarina to a troop of ringtails while
      they mewed in time to the music
      * Joel Furr's look of absolute dejection when he didn't make it onto the
      evening news (Paula Filseth did instead)
      * Trying to explain "USENET" to a reporter from the Durham Herald-Sun,
      who, despite spending all day looking at Joel Furr's nametag, still
      managed to refer to him as "Jeff Furr" in the next day's paper.
      * Dr. Simons imitating the calls of prehistoric Sloth Lemurs in the
      crowded Fossil Lab
      * Explaining the concept of North Carolina barbecue to Tom Esch
      * Punch-drunk, exhausted, hysterical laughter at the Olive Garden
      * "Yeeeeeow" as David Witzel and Joel Furr burned themselves yet again
      * Learning first-hand about the precise aim and remarkable distance the
      average lemur can achieve with a stream of urine

It was a long, exhausting day, but virtually everyone seemed to have a good
time and clamored for Lemurcon '95 to be held next year.

'Con participants were:  Paul and Paula Filseth (San Jose, CA), David and Kira
Smith (Tampa, FL), Chris Brann (Atlanta, GA), Mary Ann Neel (Lafayette, IN),
Vance Kochenderfer (Havre de Grace, MD), Dolly Paul and Rollande Krandall
(Dearborn, MI), Joao de Souza and Maria Drago (New York City or thereabouts),
John, Margret, and Liz Rylko (Tulsa, OK), Lisa Ruthig and Tom Esch
(Landsdowne, PA), Dave Sisson and Todd Perry (Blacksburg, Virginia), and a
whole slew of North Carolinians: KG Anderson, Richard Barnette, Lara Benton,
Amy Conklin, Beth Davis, Joel Furr, Judy Gehrig, Steve Gehrig, Judah
Greenblatt, Brian Little, Andrea Raddock, Lorrie Tomek, Alyson Wilson, Greg
Wilson, David Witzel, and Doreen Yen.

---------------

(19) Got any nifty factoids about lemurs to wrap things up with?

Sure.  We can't tell you everything there is to tell about lemurs because
there's so much to know, but the books listed earlier will help you get
started.  To wrap up the FAQ, here're a few factoids about some lemur species
that you might like to amaze your friends with.  (Thanks, Bill, for your
contributions.)

Ringtailed lemurs:  Ringtails have black and white circles around their tails,
and a black masklike area on its face around their eyes.  Ringtails are often
very friendly, but also very acquisitive.  Don't leave your car keys lying
around where this lemur can find them.  If you have laserdiscs of Japanese
cartoons, the lemur will be your friend for life.

Grey gentle bamboo lemurs:  These lemurs are small, soft, friendly-looking,
and not at all menacing in appearance.  But wait: grey gentle bamboo lemurs
are actually known for their temper.  If you meet a lemur, and the lemur
sneaks up behind you and takes a swipe at you with well sharpened fingernails,
odds are you've spotted a Gentle Lemur; Gentle Lemurs have been seething for
generations over being stuck with such a silly designation and are out to
prove that they are anything but gentle. If the lemur does not attack, but
instead sits down and chews on a nice clump of cyanide-laden bamboo leaves,
you're seeing another interesting quality of the bamboo lemurs:  bamboo lemurs
can ingest cyanide in quantities that would kill primates several times their
size.  When British conservationist Gerald Durrell was in Madagascar
collecting specimens for breeding, he kept a well-fed and well-cared-for
collection in an adjacent hotel room, and noticed that among their repertoire
was a popping sound not at all unlike the sound of a champagne bottle being
uncorked.  A roomful of these creatures, of course, would sound like a
cocktail party.

Sifakas:  Sifakas are white of fur, with extremely long arms and legs and with
black faces.  Sifakas are among the largest of lemurs.  Sifakas (pronounced
Shi-fahks or Shi-falks) are a variety of lemur that has proved to be
exceptionally hard to keep in captivity due to their preference for heart-
shaped beds and Magic Fingers boxes instead of green-walled enclosures with a
few pipes projecting out for them to climb on.  Consequently, they've become
very skilled at outwitting their human captors, picking locks (I'm NOT making
this up) and devising ways to get extra food despite the presence of electric
shocks around the food trays.

Aye-ayes:  Aye-ayes are small and rodent-like, with a long, skinny middle
finger ending in a hooklike nail?  Aye-ayes are especially feared by the
Malagasy natives because of a local superstition that aye-ayes can curse
people to gruesome deaths simply by pointing their long middle fingers at you.

Aye-ayes are generally killed on sight by the natives.  Efforts to breed them
in captivity are paying off bit by bit, as the first aye-aye born in
captivitity was born last year at the Duke University Primate Center: Blue
Devil.  Aye-ayes live off insects, which they dig out of rotten wood with
their long hook-tipped middle fingers.  When they were first discovered, they
were thought to be rodents, and it was not until much later that they were
identified as primates.

Black lemurs:  Interestingly, black lemurs have brilliantly blue eyes, and are
in fact the only primate species other than man that has blue eyes.  The
females are golden-furred and the males are black-furred.  This difference in
color between the sexes is known as "sexual dimorphism."  Partly because
blue-eyed lemurs look so glamorous, the Duke University Primate Center names
them all after movie stars such as Judy Garland and Robert Redford.

Dwarf lemurs (Cheirogaleidae):  These are the small, sneaky, steal your
twinkies before you notice them lemurs. They are mostly a rather nondescript
brown (all the better for you not to see them) except for the fork-tailed
(forked?) lemur (furcifer) which has a striking black fork shaped mark running
from the base of it's tail to its head. Some of them (the fat-tailed lemurs)
have (you guessed it) fat tails. This is where they store their twinkies in
the off season. Probably the cutest (and certainly the smallest) is the mouse
lemur. These are prime espionage agents, weighing in at approx 60g - mouse
size. Just imagine a mouse that can leap 2 metres, and has little grasping
hands, and tickles like crazy when running around inside your T-shirt.

There's much more to know about lemurs, and alt.fan.lemurs is the place to
start.  Welcome aboard!

    ------------------------------------------------------------------
      Revised April 5, 1993 by Joel Furr, [e-mail]
      Revised July 6, 1993, by Joel Furr, [e-mail]
        Revised August 8, 1994, by Joel Furr, [e-mail]