DP Tool Club 17/CD_ASCQ_17_101194.iso/vrac/io0994.zip/COLUM03.TXT

Text File | 1994-08-31 | 9KB | 176 lines

       SO, YOU WANT TO BE A SYSOP...
       Part III: Nightmare on Sysop Street
       Written and directed by Leonard Richardson
       Sysop, Da Warren BBS & Grill [phone]
       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

       DISCLAIMER: !seil tub gnihton si tI !ecno ta elcitra siht
                   nwod tuP

       NOTE: This majority of this column was dictated to Andy
       for reasons too bloodcurdling to explain. We thank him for
       his typing skill, and boredom.

       AN APOLOGY: I wrote last months column in a hurry. As usual
       I apoligize for the bad quality of the jokes.

       Let's talk PROBLEM USERS. As I said in last month's column,
       a lot of users are annoying but only a select few are what
       I call "problem users." If you want to impress your friends
       with your colorful mastery of sysop and hacker jargon, you
       can call them "problem lusers" but the pun doesn't show up
       verbally and it's a bit hard to explain. So stick with
       "users."  In this month's column, I will be telling you how
       to spot and deal with problem users, or if you're a problem
       user, how to avoid detection.

       THE HERMIT
       There are several kinds of problem users. The first is the
       user who refuses to give you any information about himself.
       I call this person the hermit.  (Note: I will be using "him"
       throughout for referring to problem users because I have
       had maybe 1 problem user who MIGHT have been female. There
       are VERY few female problem users, for the same reason that
       the women stayed behind and worked in factories in WWII.
       This is that for centuries, women have been trained by men
       to be weak and easily dominated. The men did this because
       they wanted to do all the really stupid things like fighting
       in wars or being problem users on BBSes.)  Ideally, this
       first kind of problem user will blaze through the new user
       application by hitting enter at every question. When he
       comes to a field I have set to "require" (like phone number
       and birthdate) and it tells him he can't weasel out of it,
       he hits enter a couple more times to see if it really won't
       let him off. Then he either enters an obviously fake number
       (like 000-000-0000) or one that looks real
       (like 805-899-7534). If it's the former, your course of
       action is clear: boot the guy off in sheer disgust. If its
       the latter, I call the phone number they put and see if its
       busy. This is not good if they have call waiting, though.
       So if you do that, wait until they're on the BBS proper.
       You may, of course, have been wrong in your initial
       impressions that the user was a problem user, and you don't
       want to make the guy log on all over again. I can't really
       imagine why anyone would lie about their birthdate, but
       some people do. I just let it slip since there's no way
       to validate it. Even if its obviously fake (One user of
       mine said his birthdate to 12/16/94, that took brains),
       you should let him get away with it. Give him some small
       sense of accomplishment.

       A phone number is the thing I get really steamed about. I
       don't really care about address; I don't send out cute
       little postcards to my users: if they want to know whats
       happening on the system they can call and look. Birthdate
       I don't care either; I have no adult files on my board or
       anything else your age would determine access to. But I
       frequently call up users for one reason or another,
       password failures or what not, and I'd like to have some
       way to contact people.

       THE SCHIZOPHRENIC
       The next kind of problem user is a schizophrenic. This
       person has multiple personailties and needs a BBS account
       for each of them. This person is slightly tougher to catch
       than the hermit. It requires a careful eye for subtle
       details, like someone entering part of one name at log-in
       time, then changing to another one, or seven people calling
       in succession spending their entire time alloted downloading.
       Small stuff like that.

       What to do with a schizophrenic? It's tough to eliminate them
       entirely, since you can never be sure you ferreted out all
       their accounts. I say let them be because they're so much
       fun to watch when they screw up. Don't feel bad about taking
       20 or so minutes off of a known schizophrenic's time online.

       Another great source of fun from schizophrenics is their
       tendency to forget their alter egos' passwords, birthdates,
       and phone numbers. When it looks like a schizophrenic has his
       identity right, but can't remember the password or what have
       you, it's fun to sing the following song in your best Bing
       Crosby voice:

       I'm dreaming of the right password (or birthdate or number,
       depending) I must have twenty-eight accounts. Why should I
       keep just one When it's such fun To have ludicrous amounts.
       I'm dreaming of the right password With every log-on that I
       do. May your downloads be many and true And may the sysop
       never catch you.

       Nine times out of ten, the schizophrenic will fail the
       password or verification. After this happens I require
       them to write a comment to me, explaining their screw-up.
       This if, of course, so real people who forget their
       password can get them back. It's also to give me another
       chance to watch the schizophrenic make a fool of himself.

       The smart ones drop carrier as soon as they see they have
       to write a message. I've found that the most yucks can be
       gotten out of the ones that try to quit the editor in
       various ones, marking the message with their efforts
       (They'll also try to do this when you boot them into chat).
       A message from a quitter looks something like this:

       Q
       Q
       QUIT
       EXIT
       HELP
       /Q
       /X
       /A
       ?
       +++û⌡ⁿ£+▄@╓ù

       When you get a schizophrenic in chat, your best tactic is
       sarcasim. Be subtle (not like this article).

       ANNOYANCES
       These are the two main types of problem users. Many users are
       not true problems, just annoying. This category includes the
       whiner, who complains about your not having such and such a
       feature, and the ignorant newbie, who knows absolutely nothing
       about BBSes but has somehow managed to connect to one (The
       former can be ignored or appeased, and the latter can be taught
       and turned into a productive member of the BBSing community).
       It also includes the 12-year-old who pages you and asks you
       to access to all your "elite" files. The best way to deal
       with this person is to confuse him. Tell him that he now has
       access to your wide selection of pirated text files. Say "My
       friends call me Benito. Think you could manage that?", quote
       James Joyce, or \/\/RitE 1Ke A11 dE k001 D00dS d0 & hE'11
       bEe1eEv enYtHInG U sAY!!!!1. Its cruel, but it's fun. I once
       convinced that my co-sysop Andy was a woman, not two minutes
       after the guy had seen Andy's ANSI portrait. These users are
       truly gullible. Treasure them.

       THE OTHER PROBLEM USERS
       There are also the rarer types of problem users who purposely
       seek to crash your board, upload John Denver .WAVS, or
       whatever. If you ever get one of these, good luck. I've never
       had one, or if I did they failed miserably and I didn't notice.

       BUT WAIT!
       Do not consider this a comprehensive list of problem users.
       There are an infinite number, but most of them are a
       variation on these. And these you can deal with, right? All you
       need now is practice. Go to it, new sysop!

       SUMMARY
       It's not very nice to do cruel things to people, but when it
       comes to problem users, let them have it anyway.

       Next month's colon: HOW TO WIN USERS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE.

       THIS MONTH'S USELESS FACT
       The theory of "electronic Darwinism" explains why most BBSes
       die off in a month or so, with only a few staying around for
       a long time. It speculates that each BBS is a member of the
       BBS species, and a slight mutuation from it. If it survives
       (later incarnations of the same BBS represent children), it
       will increase in diversity even more. If it doesn't, well,
       there's also another one to take its place. This also
       explains why the number of BBSes in the same area remains
       farely constant over time. Not to depress you or anything.