SO, YOU WANT TO BE A SYSOP... Part III: Nightmare on Sysop Street Written and directed by Leonard Richardson Sysop, Da Warren BBS & Grill (805) 854-2478 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DISCLAIMER: !seil tub gnihton si tI !ecno ta elcitra siht nwod tuP NOTE: This majority of this column was dictated to Andy for reasons too bloodcurdling to explain. We thank him for his typing skill, and boredom. AN APOLOGY: I wrote last months column in a hurry. As usual I apoligize for the bad quality of the jokes. Let's talk PROBLEM USERS. As I said in last month's column, a lot of users are annoying but only a select few are what I call "problem users." If you want to impress your friends with your colorful mastery of sysop and hacker jargon, you can call them "problem lusers" but the pun doesn't show up verbally and it's a bit hard to explain. So stick with "users." In this month's column, I will be telling you how to spot and deal with problem users, or if you're a problem user, how to avoid detection. THE HERMIT There are several kinds of problem users. The first is the user who refuses to give you any information about himself. I call this person the hermit. (Note: I will be using "him" throughout for referring to problem users because I have had maybe 1 problem user who MIGHT have been female. There are VERY few female problem users, for the same reason that the women stayed behind and worked in factories in WWII. This is that for centuries, women have been trained by men to be weak and easily dominated. The men did this because they wanted to do all the really stupid things like fighting in wars or being problem users on BBSes.) Ideally, this first kind of problem user will blaze through the new user application by hitting enter at every question. When he comes to a field I have set to "require" (like phone number and birthdate) and it tells him he can't weasel out of it, he hits enter a couple more times to see if it really won't let him off. Then he either enters an obviously fake number (like 000-000-0000) or one that looks real (like 805-899-7534). If it's the former, your course of action is clear: boot the guy off in sheer disgust. If its the latter, I call the phone number they put and see if its busy. This is not good if they have call waiting, though. So if you do that, wait until they're on the BBS proper. You may, of course, have been wrong in your initial impressions that the user was a problem user, and you don't want to make the guy log on all over again. I can't really imagine why anyone would lie about their birthdate, but some people do. I just let it slip since there's no way to validate it. Even if its obviously fake (One user of mine said his birthdate to 12/16/94, that took brains), you should let him get away with it. Give him some small sense of accomplishment. A phone number is the thing I get really steamed about. I don't really care about address; I don't send out cute little postcards to my users: if they want to know whats happening on the system they can call and look. Birthdate I don't care either; I have no adult files on my board or anything else your age would determine access to. But I frequently call up users for one reason or another, password failures or what not, and I'd like to have some way to contact people. THE SCHIZOPHRENIC The next kind of problem user is a schizophrenic. This person has multiple personailties and needs a BBS account for each of them. This person is slightly tougher to catch than the hermit. It requires a careful eye for subtle details, like someone entering part of one name at log-in time, then changing to another one, or seven people calling in succession spending their entire time alloted downloading. Small stuff like that. What to do with a schizophrenic? It's tough to eliminate them entirely, since you can never be sure you ferreted out all their accounts. I say let them be because they're so much fun to watch when they screw up. Don't feel bad about taking 20 or so minutes off of a known schizophrenic's time online. Another great source of fun from schizophrenics is their tendency to forget their alter egos' passwords, birthdates, and phone numbers. When it looks like a schizophrenic has his identity right, but can't remember the password or what have you, it's fun to sing the following song in your best Bing Crosby voice: I'm dreaming of the right password (or birthdate or number, depending) I must have twenty-eight accounts. Why should I keep just one When it's such fun To have ludicrous amounts. I'm dreaming of the right password With every log-on that I do. May your downloads be many and true And may the sysop never catch you. Nine times out of ten, the schizophrenic will fail the password or verification. After this happens I require them to write a comment to me, explaining their screw-up. This if, of course, so real people who forget their password can get them back. It's also to give me another chance to watch the schizophrenic make a fool of himself. The smart ones drop carrier as soon as they see they have to write a message. I've found that the most yucks can be gotten out of the ones that try to quit the editor in various ones, marking the message with their efforts (They'll also try to do this when you boot them into chat). A message from a quitter looks something like this: Q Q QUIT EXIT HELP /Q /X /A ? +++–õüœ+Ü@Ö— When you get a schizophrenic in chat, your best tactic is sarcasim. Be subtle (not like this article). ANNOYANCES These are the two main types of problem users. Many users are not true problems, just annoying. This category includes the whiner, who complains about your not having such and such a feature, and the ignorant newbie, who knows absolutely nothing about BBSes but has somehow managed to connect to one (The former can be ignored or appeased, and the latter can be taught and turned into a productive member of the BBSing community). It also includes the 12-year-old who pages you and asks you to access to all your "elite" files. The best way to deal with this person is to confuse him. Tell him that he now has access to your wide selection of pirated text files. Say "My friends call me Benito. Think you could manage that?", quote James Joyce, or \/\/RitE 1Ke A11 dE k001 D00dS d0 & hE'11 bEe1eEv enYtHInG U sAY!!!!1. Its cruel, but it's fun. I once convinced that my co-sysop Andy was a woman, not two minutes after the guy had seen Andy's ANSI portrait. These users are truly gullible. Treasure them. THE OTHER PROBLEM USERS There are also the rarer types of problem users who purposely seek to crash your board, upload John Denver .WAVS, or whatever. If you ever get one of these, good luck. I've never had one, or if I did they failed miserably and I didn't notice. BUT WAIT! Do not consider this a comprehensive list of problem users. There are an infinite number, but most of them are a variation on these. And these you can deal with, right? All you need now is practice. Go to it, new sysop! SUMMARY It's not very nice to do cruel things to people, but when it comes to problem users, let them have it anyway. Next month's colon: HOW TO WIN USERS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE. THIS MONTH'S USELESS FACT The theory of "electronic Darwinism" explains why most BBSes die off in a month or so, with only a few staying around for a long time. It speculates that each BBS is a member of the BBS species, and a slight mutuation from it. If it survives (later incarnations of the same BBS represent children), it will increase in diversity even more. If it doesn't, well, there's also another one to take its place. This also explains why the number of BBSes in the same area remains farely constant over time. Not to depress you or anything.