DP Tool Club 12/CD_ASCQ_12_0294.iso/vrac/humor00s.zip/LOG00061

Text File | 1994-02-12 | 88KB | 1,942 lines

HUMOR LOG #61
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Feb 1994 16:29:10 PST
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  3.J     A collection of clean humor gathered on: 24 Oct 88

Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same
thing as division.

Blore's Razor:
        Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.

Bore, n.:
        A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
        When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
        easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
        Ranger have handled this?"

BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal.  He's the brains of the outfit."
GENERAL:    "What does that make YOU?"
BULLWINKLE: "What else?  An executive..."
                -- Jay Ward

Bumper sticker:
All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture

Bureaucrat, n.:
        A person who cuts red tape sideways.
                -- J. McCabe

Call on God, but row away from the rocks. -- Indian proverb

Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.  It's 2 cents
for postage and 30 cents for storage.
                -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post

Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the
center of the universe.  The premise is wrong, but the navigation
works.  An incorrect model can be a useful tool.
                -- Kelvin Throop III

Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.

Chicago, n.:
        Where the dead still vote ... early and often!

Conservative, n.:
        One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
                -- Leo C. Rosten

Corrupt, adj.:
        In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.

Creditors have much better memories than debtors.

Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a
Communist politician is through, he is through.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think
even if you don't think.

Democracy is good.  I say this because other systems are worse.
                -- Jawaharlal Nehru

Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly
misleading.  Debug only code.
                -- Dave Storer

Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older,
it starts avoiding you.
                -- The Old Farmer's Almanac

Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too
busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.

Do the things which you will be proud to remember when you are old.

Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
                -- Edgar R. Fiedler
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Feb 1994 17:42:32 -0800
From:         "Dr. David Lustig" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      EXTREMELY Offensive Nun Joke (Sexist, etc)

A nun is walking back to the convent late one night when a man jumps out of the
bushes and rapes her.  When he's done he snears, "So, what are you going to tell

your Mother Superior *now*?"  She replies, "I'll tell her I was walking home
late, a man jumped out of the bushes and raped me twice.....unless you're
tired."


sorry...........
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Feb 1994 21:26:28 EST
From:         David Pacifici <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Woman visits Ob/Gyn for exam

An attractive, though somewhat middle aged woman went to visit her doctor.
She advised her doctor that she would soon be married, and of course the
doctor gave her a thorough exam.  Thankfully, there were no problems, and the
doctor gave her a clean bill of health.

In fact, the doctor, who had been caring for this woman for some time, was
quite puzzled.  He said to her, "I'm really happy for you, and hope that your
marriage will be successful.  But you know, you've been married twice before,
and I couldn't help but notice that you are still a virgin!

The woman grinned  ;-) and replied, "Its not really such a mystery doctor.
The truth is that my first husband, he was a gynecologist, and all he wanted
to do was to look at it.  My second husband was a psychologist, and all he
wanted to do was talk about it."  At this, the woman sighed, and then
brightened as she said, "But my new husband is a lawyer, so I'm sure I'm
gonna get fucked!"

>;->
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Feb 1994 21:35:51 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Humor: Close the door <computer joke for everyone>

Written by Michael A. Kline

A person was trying to install a package and reported that no matter
what they did, the install would not go claiming it couldn't read the
disk. Well, they were new diskettes, a brand new package, so Laurel
went down to see what was going on.

She got to the person's office and said, "Okay, show me what's happening."

The user said, "Right here. I can't get past this point. 'Enter A:setup,
put diskette in drive, close door, and press enter.'"

Laurel said, "Okay, let's try it."

The user looked the diskette over for defects, showed it to Laurel. It
looked fine, so Laurel said, "Okay, let's try it again."

The user entered "A:setup", put the diskette into the drive, got up,
went to her office door, closed it, came back to the PC, pressed enter,
and sure enough, the PC reported "Unable to read drive A:"

Laurel said it was all she could do to not fall off the chair laughing.
The user was so sincere, and just couldn't figure out what was wrong.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Feb 1994 22:22:00 E
From:         Charlie Hill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Photographic Memory <G>

My son informed me tonight that he had a photographic memory. But
there was one problem with it.

"Oh" I cautiously replied

"Yep, It is out of film."
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 00:21:45 EST
From:         Nic van der Vyver <[e-mail]>
Subject:      nuns

Jeff Rollosso Halbhuber asked for jokes about "priests, nuns or the
Pope".   Here is a mild contribution, no rude words or such, merely
a mild dig at the nuns, bless their souls.

An oldish nun, in full "penguin" garb was standing next to a VERY busy
wide road wanting to get to the other side, but not standing much of
a chance with the traffic passing at high speeds in a continuing stream.
Just then a huge motorcycle driven by a leather jacketted, chain bedecked
heavily bearded man comes roaring along.   As he passes her he notices the
nun, makes an extremely dangerous turn in the road, roars back, parks his
bike next to the road, jumps off, dashes into the middle of the road,
gesticulates, holds up his hands and manages to stop the traffic.  The
nun walks across to the other side and our bearded hero gets out of the
way letting the traffic resume.

When he gets to his bike, the nun awaits him and thanking him she
expresses some surprise at his daringly good manners and concern for
her, traits not normally associated with the looks of him and the like.
His response, "Hey man, believe me, any friend of Batman's a friend o' mine."

============================================================================

(I have run out of sick leave, so I'm calling in dead)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

n
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 09:50:17 GMT
From:         Adam BJ Quantrill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Polish-Italian Joke (clean!!!)

Whats a Polish good for?
Shining da shoes!
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 00:20:41 +0100
From:         MILTON C <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: offensive to lawyer

As the son of a Lawyer and having done 2 years of an LL.B, I don't think
anything can offend a lawyer.
        The best source of Humor about Lawyers comes from the lawyers
themselves.Just ask any for a story.A Chief Justice in my home State was
nick-named "Groper" Green, because he had his mouth open for another drink
at parties  all the time.His tenure produced some good material.
        A Magistrate on circuit court duty attended a Rocky Horror party
before the next assizes,this magistrate was quite queer in a state that
technically can sentence gays for up to 21 years, but does not in practice
because most of the judiciary,if caught, would go up river.Anyway, the
magistrate had glitter through his hair, and could not remove the stuff by
the next sitting, and so he showered pixie dust every turn of the head.
        There are heaps of funnier stories that most lawyers know.But
cases really can't be beat.Back in my home State in the 1930's, a guy
blasted  a cat next door right into oblivion.The idiotic point of law was
that the case was a trespass case, and the decision(ratio decidendi)
concerned the bullet going over the neighbours property.But seeing is
sometimes unbelievable: in a closed court session, a witness, upon being
presented with some incriminating evidence, looked suprised, glanced left
then right,grabbed the documented evidence and started to eat it.Two
Police moved in prised open the womans jaw and removed the by now
fragmented evidence; the Police spent about 15-20 minutes piecing together
the chomped evidence.

CAMPBELL
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 08:39:00 EST
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: tonya harding

have you heard about the *new* drink called the tonyalorena?
club soda with a slice
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 09:18:00 EST
From:         Paul Brucker <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Tonya...

    What will Tonya Harding be taking to the Olympics?
    A 'Lillie' Hammer...   ;-)
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 10:05:27 -0500
From:         Christine Schoedel <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: HUMOR: dirty, nasty ditty from elementary school days

i heard this one from my younger sister. does anyone know the other verses?

when you're slidin' into first and you feel a sudden burst-
        -diarrhea
when you're slidin' into home and your pants are full of foam-
        -diarrhea
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 09:18:49 -0500
From:         Bret Jacobsen <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A Blonde Story (sexual, of course)

                       A Story Of A Blonde And Her...

     There's this blonde who is very horny.  She goes to the doctor and
says "Doctor, you have got to help me.  All I can think about is sex.
And no man can satisfy me."  The doctor says to wait.  He goes into the
back room and returns with a box.  "We have this new product in.  "It's
called the magic dildo.  It will satisfy you."  He pulls it out and it
looks like a little piece of chalk.
     "What is that pathetic little toy going to do for me?"
     "Watch.  You hold it in you hand.  Say "magic dildo" and tell it
what to fuck."  The doctor then holds up the dildo and says "Magic dildo,
the wall."  The dildo then swells to 15 inches long, and the size of a
sausage.  It flies out of his hand and crashes into the wall.  It then
proceedes to bang on the wall extremely violently.  The wall actually
gets a hole in it.
     "I'll take it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she says.
     While driving home, the blonde once again starts to get that
feeling.  So she holds the dildo up and says "Magic dildo, my pussy."
The didlo swells and flies.
     She goes wild.  As she reaches orgasm after orgasm, her cars swerves
all over the road.  She ends up crashing into a police car.
     The cop jumps out of his car and is pissed.  He runs over to her as
she is trying to leave the scene.  He tears off the door of the car and
yells "What the hell is your problem you stupid blonde."
     She trys explain.  "It wasn't me officer -- it is this magic dildo."
     The cop grabs it and yells "Magic dildo............yeah right.
Magic dildo my ass."

(You can figure it out!)
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 10:23:16 -0400
From:         Dean Smith <[e-mail]>
Subject:      professions that you don't want your children to be

Here are some professions that you don't want your children to go into.

I don't think many would wnat ot be a pediatric gynacologist.  ( they like
little girls.)

What about garbage men?  the pay is lousy, but it's all you can eat.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 10:28:28 EST
From:         Bryan Pack <[e-mail]>
Subject:      dentists

when i read a posting about goofs played on doctors sometime a day or
two ago, a routine by jeff altman came to mind.

for those who don't know of him, jeff altman is a comedian who's been
around for quite a while. the guy's just nuts.

the following can be found on altman's 1989 album, _i'll flip you like a
cheese omelette_. at one point, he talks about how intimidating a trip
to the dentist can be, mostly because you're surrendering so much power
to this guy when you're in his office. so you have to take back some of
that power-- get the upper hand.


so here's four things you can try the next time at the dentist's:

1) whatever he puts in your mouth... swallow it.

2) when he removes that silly sucking thing, continue making
    the same stupid noise.

3) if he leaves the room for a second (to take an x-ray, etc.)... hide.

4) (and you gotta be a big man to do this) when he gets down very close
    to your mouth for some intricate work, KISS HIM ON THE LIPS.


18 lb. buttsteaks for everyone (hee-hi, daddy)
bryan
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 11:17:56 -0400
From:         "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to
              be what I am now." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Overheard in a local Castle function hall....

  A wealthy aristocrat was hosting a party at his estate, which had been in his
family for generations.  He noticed that one of his guests bore a striking
resemblance to himself.  He could not believe that such a similarity could
exist with no genetic link, so guessing that his father had sown some wild
oats, he approached the guest and asked with a smirk "Was your mother ever a
maid here?"

The guest replied "No, but my father used to be the gardener."
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 08:12:00 PST
From:         Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Disclaimer (contains sick, offensive joke)

I won an informal contest of sick jokes by rifling three
out without a pause.  This was the killing blow.

What is the definition of 'ecstasy'?
Fucking a pregnant woman and having the fetus give you head.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 12:02:20 EST
From:         Linda Poole <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Offensive to Polish & possibly offensive to women??

    This guy enters a bar laughing and approaches the bartender, "I've got the
funniest Polish joke to tell you."
    The bartender responds, "Well, I'm Polish, that big guy in the corner is
Polish, those two guys over there are Polish, and the three guys at the end of
the bar are Polish, do you still want to tell the joke?"
    The guy with the joke says, "OK, I'll tell it very s-l-o-w-l-y."

-------
    (may be slightly offensive to women??)

    This man approaches a beautiful woman in a bar and tells her she's the most
beautiful woman he's ever seen. She thanks him and he then offers to pay her
$5,000 just to fondle her breasts. She's offended at first, but begins to think
about how much she could use the money. She finds her husband and convinces him
that she should accept the man's offer.
    So the guy starts massaging her breasts, squeezing one, then the other -
then as massages both he begins to say, "I don't know . . . . I don't know . .
. . I don't know where I'm going to find $5,000 . . . ."

(thanks to K. Voshell of Sunnyvale, California)
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 12:02:23 EST
From:         Rich Elkins <[e-mail]>
Subject:      diarrhea

When youre climbing up the ladder and you hear something splatter...
    Diarrhea

If youre sitting on the commode and you feel something explode...
    Diarrhea

And instead of "It feels kinda funny but its really hot and runny..."
I learned it "Some people think its funny but its really black and runny...
    diarrhea"

Please note that when you sing the song youre supposed to cup your hand under
your armpit and make a farting noise with it in the sense that you say
Diarrhea (pffut pffut) diarrhea (pffut pffut) and then go to the next verse.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 12:10:30 CST
From:         Ed Johnson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: offensive to lawyer

Speaking of funny, true legal stories, who can filling in the details about a
football coach during the 1930's at the University of Georgia?  The guy had
a few winning years, which pleased the Georgia legislature so much that they
awarded him a lifetime contract as coach.  Sure enough, no sooner had he
received the contract but that he started losing games.  The legislature
wanted him fired, but he presented them with his lifetime contract.  After
pondering the problem, the Georgia legislature finally passed a decision to
declare him legally dead.  He was then promptly replaced.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 15:55:42 -0500
From:         JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      lawyer and computer jokes

        on the topic of lawyers having the best lawyer jokes:

        So I'm down in the IG's (INspector General's) office and am explaining
how we found evidence of fraud in a computer list and he tells me, "How many
lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?"
        My answer was, "How many can you afford?"
        He chuckled, but said instead, "It depends on how thin you want to
slice them.:

--------------------------------------------
        Funniest, "can't install" joke came from a guy at a neighboring office
who complained that he couldn't install a new program.  When the repair -
trouble shooting guy arrives, says, "See, I can't get it to read the disk
even after I trimmed it down enough to fit in the little door."  He'd of course,
taken a 5 1/4 disk and trimmed it to 3 1/2 with scisors.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 15:56:48 -0500
From:         "Nigel H. Mendez" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      dirty joke

 Cinderella decided that she wanted to go to the huge halloween ball.
Her evil mother said that she could not go unless she had contraception.
Cinderella replied that she did not have any, so her evil-mom said that
she would turn a pumpkin into a diaphram, but if she was not back home by
midnight it would turn into a pumpkin again.  Cinderella agreed and off
she went.  Well midnight rolls around and Cinderella is not home yet her
mom starts to worry a little bit, two rolls around then three...finnally
around three-thirty Cinderella comes home with a smile from ear to ear.
Her mom yells 'Cinderella, Where have you been!!!!"  Cinderella replies
"Mom I met this great guy"
Her mom asks who it was and ofcourse Cinderella replies

His name is Peter Peter!!!!
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 13:58:06 -0600
From:         "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Top Ten List for 2/9/94

---> February 9, 1994 <---

=============================================
Top Ten Signs The Beatles May Be Here Tonight
=============================================

10. Giant yellow submarine parked in front of theater
 9. Street vendors selling Ringo Dogs
 8. They were supposed to be on last night, but we ran out of time
 7. The entire theater smells like Liverpool
 6. Pete Best spotted in the standby tickets line
 5. Saw Dan Rather outside waving his autograph book
 4. Late last night Ringo's hairpiece arrived at JFK
 3. Letterman spent his day warming up for post-show jam session
    (Here, they played that famous clip of a guy that sort of looks like Dave
    playing a violin, singing "Camptown Races)
 2. Yoko Ono spotted outside theater holding lead pipe
 1. Hell has just frozen over

=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 16:27:45 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Penis Pity <little girl humor; adult abuse>

From the newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Submitted by [e-mail] (Rachel Scherr)

A friend of mine was taking psychology at SF State College.  The prof & class
were discussing Penis Envy, or more accurately, they were discussing the reams
of evidence refuting this redoubtable phenomenon.  The prof told the students
of the experience of a friend of hers:  Friend (male) was taking a shower in
the presence of his three-year-old daughter.  The daughter looked at her dad
and said, "Daddy, you have a penis."  The father said, "Yes, I do." The kid
said, "I don't have a penis."  Dad said, "Yes, that's right."  Kid said "Mommy
doesn't have a penis."  Again, Dad confirmed.  The daughter frowned, and then
looked up at her dad reassuringly and said, "Well Daddy, I don't think you
should worry, because yours is very small."  The psych prof thought this was
an excellent case for the existence of "Penis Pity."
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 17:04:47 EDT
From:         "Dale A. Peters" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      politics and sex (offensive)

A recent evening at the White House, as Bill and Hillary get ready
for bed...

Bill: You've done a tremendous job with health care reform, and I
think the American people are ready for you take a position with even
more responsibility.  I want you to be our representative in Bosnia.

Hillary:  Oh Bill, please don't send me to Bosnia.  I'll do anything to
not go to Bosnia.

Bill:  Anything, huh... Since you put it that way, I haven't had a blow
job since before we were married.

Hillary:  Not a blow job, Bill.  Can't you pick something else?

Bill:  Sorry, it's either Bosnia or a blow job.

Hillary: (reluctantly)  Well, ok.  Get in bed.

      (the act commences)

Hillary:  This tastes like shit!! What have you been doing!?!

Bill:  Al didn't want to go to Bosnia either.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 17:28:16 18000
From:         Stacy Warnick <[e-mail]>
Subject:      bobbit!

"Bobbit?  Hell, she cut the whole damn thing off!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 17:30:20 EST
From:         Stacey Crosby <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Momma Jokes (Do not take Personally)

Your momma is so fat, that she step on a dime and made 10 pennies.

Your momma is so poor, a picture of her face were on food stamps.

Your momma is so dumb, she thought high school was a tall building.

Your momma is so old, she knew Burger King when he was a Prince.

Your momma is so fat, she uses a VCR for a beeper.

Your momma wears her panty hose so tight, when she farts a bubble runs down her
leg.

Your momma hair is so short, she rolls it up with rice.

Your momma has hair under her arms so long, I thought she had Buckwheat in the
head lock.

Your momma's teeth are so yellow, she can spit butter.

Your momma wears a wig with a chin strap.

Peace,

Stacey :) Cause I'mma bad dog!!!!
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 17:54:06 EST
From:         Whitmark Christop CDT <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Old and corny.

This is an old one, but I still like it and hadn't seen it posted yet.

There is this lady that goes into the doctor because her and her husband just
have not been having good sex lately.  The doctor gives her a bottle of pills
and says to give her husband one a day.
     Well, not wanting him to know what she had done, she hid the pill in his
food that night at dinner.  The sex that night was great.  Next day, she put a
few more pills in his dinner.  That night, the sex just blew her mind.  So, she
just can't stand is anymore, she takes the whole bottle, ginds up all the pills
and puts it in his dinner.
     A few days later her son walks into the doctor's office and asks the
doctor if she gave his Mom any pills for his Dad.  The doctor said that she
had, and asked if their was anything wrong.  Well, the boy said yes, "My
Mommy's dead, my sister is pregnant, my butt hurts, and my Dad is walking
around the house going 'Here kitty, kitty.'"
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 18:35:00 EST
From:         Aaron Dean Newton <[e-mail]>
Subject:      This Joke Is Offensive If You Like President Bill Clinton
              (obscene)

        At a doctor's convention in Switzerland, a conversation was taking
place in a tavern after an enthusiastic mid-day lecture.

        A Jewish doctor said that, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that
we could take a kidney out of one person adn put it in another and have him
looking for work in 6 weeks."

        A German doctor said, "That's nothing.  In Germany they could take a
lung out of one person and put it in someone else and have him looking for work
in 4 weeks."

        A Russian doctor said that, "In my country, medicine is so advanced
they can take half a heart from one person, put it in another person and have
them both looking for work in 2 weeks."

        An American doctor, not to be outdone said, "We can take an asshole
out of Little Rock, put him in the White House and half the nation will be
looking for work the next day."

===============================================================================

It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic Party
emblem from a donkey to a condom because it stands for inflation, protects a
bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while
being screwed.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 18:42:47 -0500
From:         Elizabeth Bolyard <[e-mail]>
Subject:      prison humor

in a prison newsletter, a genlteman tells of his incarcaration...

          "and there i was making big money...about a quarter of an inch too
                 big..."

didja hear about the inmate who set a pr (personal record) in the 200 meter
     dash, the mile, and the five mile runs???...he was captured and brought
     back each time...
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 18:50:26 -0500
From:         "William J. Gray" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Very Clean

This is my first posting,  Don't judge me by the quality (or lack of) in
this joke I'm saving the better ones for later.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There is a small village of Tridds along a river.  On the other side of the
river  there is a forest with many berries and fruit trees  that the Tridds
could use as food.  Their only problem is the mean troll that lives under
the bridge that crosses the river.  Every time a Tridd tries to cross the
bridge,  the troll runs up and kicks them off.  The Tridds give up,  until,
one day when a Rabbi stroled through the village. The Tridds explained
their problem to the Rabbi and asked him if he could help.  He said he
would see what he could do.  So the Rabbi crossed the bridge and nothing
happened,  he crossed back, and again nothing happened.  he crossed back
and forth a few more times stomping on the bridge and still nothing
happened.  He started to wonder if there was a troll under the bridge.  he
walked down there and sure enough,  there he was.  So he asked the Troll,
"Why do you kick the Tridd's off the bridge.   and not me?"  So the troll
replied,"Silly Rabbi,  kicks are for Tridd's".


********************************************************************************

Bill Gray  ([e-mail])
From the Great U.P.  (The Upper Peninsula of Michigan)
Michigan Technological University.
Go Huskies!!
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 17:16:38 -40962758
From:         Robert Gonzalez <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: snaps-offensive?

Your momma's so fat:

    When she jumps up in the air, she gets stuck...
    LA wants to know where she was last month...
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 19:43:26 -0500
From:         "Travis L. Reno" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Traveling Salesman (kinda)   Offensive to prudes

A jew, a hindu and a lawer were all traveling together (who knows why,
maybe they were going to a rock concert)  anyway it was getting dark and
they needed to find a place to stay.  Fortunately, they came across a
farm house.  The farmer, being the friendly country type, told them that
they were welcome to spend the night but he had room for only two in the
house, the third would have to spend the night in the barn.  The jew
volunteered to sleep in the barn and went out to make himself a bed while
the other two went inside.  After a few minutes, there was a knock at the
door.  It was the jew.  He explained that he was not aware that there was
a pig in the barn and that there was no way he could sleep out there.
The hindu decided that he would sleep in the barn and made his way out.
Of course, a couple of minutes later, there was another knock at the
door.  It was the hindu.  He went into a long speech about the cow in the
barn and what a sin it would be if he slept under the same roof as the
cow.  Finally, the lawyer conceded that he would have to sleep in the
barn and he started out in that direction.  A couple of minutes later,
there was yet another knock at the door.  It was the cow and the pig.

==========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 21:23:59 -0600
From:         Davis <[e-mail]>
Subject:      offensive nun joke and cute priest joke

First, the possibly offensive nun joke:

Two nuns were walking through the park at night when two men jumped out of
the bushes and started having their way with the nuns.  The first nun calmly
folded her hands on her chest and said, "Forgive them, Father, for they know
not what they do."  To this the second nun replied, "Speak for yourself--mine
knows exactly what HE'S doing!"


Now the priest joke:

Q: Why did the priest wear shorts when he took a shower?
A: He didn't like to look down upon the 'unemployed'  ;)
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 21:08:33 CST
From:         "Brian J. Gill" <[e-mail]>
subject:      Micheal Jackson

Why did Micheal Jackson get kicked out of the boyscouts??
He was doing over a pac a day!
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 22:38:30 -0600
From:         Victor McCoy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      True Stupid Computer User Story

A friend of mine (Bruce) in Dallas runs a PC shop.  He said that he had a
call from a lady that complained that she could read or write to any of
her 5 1/4 floppys.

Bruce went to the site to investigate.  He could find nothing wrong with the
drives, but he did notice how well the labeling on the floppy was.

It turns out the lady used her typewriter to type labels (after applying them
to the floppies.

=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 21:08:42 -0800
From:         "J.j." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      "Prepare three envelopes..."

I hate to request something like this, but could someone send me the joke
about a desk blotter, three envelopes, and "Prepare three envelopes..."?
Is this list archived anywhere?  I could get it that way.


               The Priest's Psychiatrist

        A priest has been seeing a shrink regularly for
a while, and one day the doctor says, "You know what
your problem is?  You should just let go one day.  Take
off your collar, go out, get a big steak, have a couple
of drinks.  I'm not suggesting doing anything a priest
shouldn't do, but just go have a good time."

        So the priest puts on a regular suit, takes a
bus to a different town, where no-one will know him,
grabs a cab and asks the driver to take him to
someplace hot.  The cabbie drops him at a topless bar,
which the cabbie says has the best women in town.

        The priest is real nervous, but he decides to
go in, and he grabs a table. A few minutes later, a
very virtued topless waitress walks over and says, "Can
I get you anything, Father?"

The priest immediately reaches for his collar, and
realizes that he didn't forget; he's wearing a regular
suit and tie.

He says to the waitress, "How did you know I was a
priest?"

She says, "Take a good look, Father.  It's me.  Sister
Theresa. We go to the same psychiatrist."
--
[e-mail] |   San Diego, CA
Don't let school get in the way of your education.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 00:09:12 EST
From:         Bryan Pack <[e-mail]>
Subject:      i have WAY too much free time...

you know, after posting that "peanuts" thing, i started thinking about
some of the other cartoon characters i was exposed to growing up...

no wonder we had to spend the 80's enduring nancy reagan's "just say no"
inanity... we 20-somethings grew up watching a cartoon show featuring
heavy duty drug users/dealers as the main characters and heroes. i am
referring to none other than "scooby-doo, where are you?"

it has always been there, right in front of our eyes, yet we never saw
it. but think about it... a group of college age kids in the heart of
the 70's, driving around endlessly in a psychedelic van, with no
discernable source of income. just look at freddie and daphne-- always
impeccably dressed. where did they get their money? what were these kids
REALLY up to???

just one look at shaggy tells the tale... i mean, he's constantly
paranoid, is always seeing ghosts, his freakin' DOG talks to him all the
time, and he's got a chronic case of the munchies. the definitive pot
head.

my guess is that braniac velma is the gang's female owsley.

70's saturday morning television is a veritable minefield of bizarre and
humorous insights into pop psychology. the productions of sid & marty
kroft alone could be the basis of a half dozen dissertations.
h.r.puff'n'stuff? think about it: our hero, a young boy on the edge of
puberty, becomes whisked to a magic, but confusing, land where an evil
female character, "witchy-poo", is constantly trying to take possesion
of our hero's "magic flute." the mind reels...

i do have a question i wonder if anyone knows the answer to: what was
shaggy's real name? i remember hearing it a couple of times, but i've
forgotten it. if someone can remind me (i'll remeber that it's the right
one if i hear it), i'll send them something special through e-mail. (and
i'm NOT talking about the name "Casey Kasem", the multi-talented animal
hugger who has been the voice of shaggy)

and if anyone is interested, the april '93 issue of _film threat_
magazine (the best film/entertainment mag out there) had a whole bunch
of freudian analyses of sid & marty kroft shows. when i get my hands
back on my copy, i can post some of them-- they're hysterical!


"and i'd've gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't've been for those
     meddling kids...." bryan :)
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 18:35:07 CST
From:         "Sami A. Yousif" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bathroom Poem (PG-13)

Seen posted on a bathroom stall:

I enjoy a dump just as much as you
But I know how to flush and so should you
So pull that little handle when you've dropped your load
And everybody else can use this kamode

    TOP TEN THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR IN THE CAFETERIA

    10. I love this place.
     9. If you're not going to eat that, I will.
     8. Just like mom used to make.
     7. That [ugly caf worker] chick is kind of cute.
     6. I believe I'll have some more lasagna.
     5. My compliments to the chef.
     4. Did you see how green the lettuce was?
     3. How much of a tip should I leave?
     2. Damn! I'm out of meals
     1. Pork fritters, Allright!!
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 10 Feb 1994 21:04:00 CST
From:         SPEED THE MAN - AMIT <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Traveling Saleman (some language)

Here's one I heard about 12 or so years ago (when I was only 8.  It's
a wonder I still remember it.)

A travelling salesman was passing through a small village with no
inns or resthouses when it started to pour very badly.  He went to
the nearest house and asked for shelter for the night.  The owner of
the house agreed to let him stay.  There was only one problem.  He
told the salesman that there were 2 rooms in the house.  One was used
by him and his wife and his baby slept in the other.  He also offered
the salesman that he could sleep with his baby.  The salesman
thinking that the baby would make too much noise and be nothing more
than a pain in the ass told the owner that he'd just sleep on the
cold floor of the front porch.

Next morning, when the saleman awoke, he saw the prettiest young lass
standing next to him.  He asked her who she was.  "I'm my Daddy's
baby", she replied and asked him, "Who are you ?"


"I'm a STUPID ASSHOLE !!", replied the salesman.


No public flames please.  This one was told to me when I was 8 and I
thought it was pretty funny at that age (I still do but that's
besides the point !!!).

- I think sex is better than logic but I can't prove it
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 11:51:28 MET
From:         Miroslav Otrisal <[e-mail]>
Subject:      SOS

Inscription in a Czech pub.
"We don't serve alcohol to young people under 18 years. Our young
pople are very clever, they wiil serve themselves."
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 06:30:00 -05
From:         Jim Beasley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      gomer & sally (adult)

gomer and sally were in the back seat on their first date.

gomer ask. sally, can i kiss you ?

sally says its alright with me gomer.

after a while gomer ask, sally can i feel your breast ?

sally says its alright with me gomer.

then gomer ask sally, can i put my finger in your belly button ?

sally says its alright with me gomer.

then sally says oh oh no! gomer thats not my belly button.

and gomer says thats not my finger either so...

suprise!  suprise!!  suprise!!!

best wishes and a speedy recovery to jim nabors.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 07:19:51 EST
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Humor: Dangers of safe driving course <parody>

The number one killer of young Americans is the automobile.
However, the Secular Humanists dominating our schools refuse
to acknowledge that the only safe driving is abtinence from
driving.  Instead, they advocate courses in "Driver Education",
in which teenagers are taught "Safe Driving", and no
attention is given to traditional values.  They are even
taught the use of "Seat Belts" (and some classes even give
explicit demonstrations of the proper method of applying these
belts!) with, at best, a passing mention that the protection
provided by these belts is only partial.  Clearly, this sends
a mixed message to our young people: it appears to condone
driving, and the more inquisitive will surely feel encouraged
to experiment with driving.

Stop the wanton slaughter!  Contact your school board member
and insist that driving be taught in the family, in a climate
where the moral implications are not overlooked; not in the
schools where hedonistic instructors teach driving as a
mere form of pleasure.

Written by Cindy Davies  [e-mail]

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, [e-mail] (uga.cc.uga.edu)
===================================================================
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from LISTSERV@... Enjoy the humor; encourage good contributions!
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 09:32:00 EST
From:         Aaron Dean Newton <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Good Blonde Jokes (obscene)

Here goes!!!!!

Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back!

Q: How do you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: There is lipstick on your cucumbers!

Q: Why do blondes have orgasms?
A: So they know when to stop having sex!

Q: What do you call ten blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel!

Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is!

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball!

Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor!


   This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said
to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 09:44:43 EST
From:         Paul J Boenitz 230-4083 6509 <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Animal Humor <risque>

Here's a neat word association joke I heard the other day
Ask your victim to associate a bird to the word:

1. Patriotism ------>  Bald Eagle
2. Wisdom ---------->  Owl
3. Love ------------>  Dove
4. True Love ------->  Swallow
___________________________________________________________
Whats the difference between meat and fish?
If you beat your fish it dies...........
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 10:05:17 -0400
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to
              be what I am now." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A Vet goes to the Doctors Office.....

        A veteranarian wasn't feeling well, and had to visit the doctor.
The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had
they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:

        "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind
of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

        The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription,
and handed it to her, with the words: "there you are. Of course,
if *that* doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 10:04:20 EST
From:         CLARISSA FINCO <[e-mail]>
Subject:      pig (may bother anminal rights activitists

As the tractor salesman drove up to the farmer's house, he noticed a
pig with a wooden leg running around the yard.  Naturally he was
curious.  When the farmer came to the door, he asked about the pig.
The farmer told him that it was most wonderful pig in the whole world
and continued,

"Four weeeks ago I was plowing in the field when the tractor tipped
over pinning me under it.  I would have died except for the pig.  He
saw what happened, ran to the barn, and squealed until my sons came
out, saw me in the field and rescued me."


"Then two weeks ago the house caught on fire while my wife was
upstairs sleeping.  Once again the pig saw what was going on.  He ran
to the front door and pounded on it with his snout until my wife
work up and was able to put out the fire."

"Finally just yesterday my daughter was skating on the pond when she
broke through the thin ice and fell in.  She would have drowned if the
pig hadn't jumped in the water and pulled her to safety."

The salesman said, "That's all very interesting but it doesn't explain the



wooden leg."

"Well," said the famer.  "With a pig that good, you don't think we want to eat
it all at one time!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 09:46:00 CST
From:         /Susan Minas| <[e-mail]>
Subject:      OFFENSIVE TO LESBIANS

A YOUNG LADY GOES TO THE DOCTOR FOR A PHYSICAL. AS HE'S EXAMINING
HER HE NOTICES A LETTER 'I' HAS BEEN RUBBED ONTO HER BODY.  HE ASKS
HER HOW SHE DID THAT.  THE GIRL IS A LITTLE EMBARRASSED BUT FINALLY
EXPLAINS THAT HER BOYFRIEND PLAYS BASEBALL FOR U OF I AND SHE LIKES
HUM TO WEAR HIS LETTER SWEATER WHEN THEY MAKE LOVE.
A FEW DAYS LATER ANOTHER YOUNG LADY COMES TO THE DOCTOR FOR A
PHYSICAL.  THE DOCTOR NOTICES A LETTER 'P' RUBBED ONTO HER BODY.
WHEN ASKED TO EXPLAIN, THE YOUNG LADY TELLS HIM THAT HER BOYFRIEND
PLAYS BASEBALL FOR PURDUE AND SHE LIKES HIM TO WEAR HIS LETTER
SWEATER WHEN THEY MAKE LOVE.
A WEEK OR SO LATER A THIRD YOUNG LADY COMES TO THE DOCTOR FOR HER
PHYSICAL.  THIS PATIENT HAS A LETTER 'M' RUBBED ONTO HER BODY.
THE DOCTOR LAUGHS AND SAYS "I BET YOUR BOYFRIEND GOES TO MICHIGAN
AND YOU LIKE HOM TO WEAR HIS LETTER SWEATER WHEN YOU MAKE LOVE."
SHE REPLIES " ACTUALLY IT'S MY GIRLFRIEND WHO GOES TO WISCONSIN."


WHAT DO YOU CALL A LESBIAN IN ALASKA?
A KLONDYKE
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 10:58:26 -0500
From:         Pamela Tyler <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Uncl: Exorcist

What happens to you if you don't pay your Exorcist?
You get repossessed!  *laugh*

Your mama's so fat, she sat on a quarter and
squeezed a booger  out of George Washington's nose!!
*how do you spell booger?*


Your mama's so short, her feet are showing on her
driver's license picture!

Your mama's so hairy, big foot was looking for her!

Your mama's so ugly, they dipped her face in dough
and mad animal cookies!
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 08:15:40 PST
From:         "John `Bullwinkle' Wenker" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Equal time demanded (offensive to women/sexually suggestive).

"Why A Beer Is Sometimes Better Than A Woman"
   You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
   The only time a beer talks back is when you burp.
   You can enjoy a beer all month long.
   A beer is never late.
   Beer stains wash out.
   Your beer will wait patiently for you in the car while you play rugby.
   Beers don't get yeast infections.
   A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
   You'll always get head from a beer.
   You can always pick up a beer in a bar.
   Beer labels come off without a fight.
   A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer breath.
   A beer always goes down easy.
   You know you are the first one to pop a beer.
   A beer is always wet.
   You can share a beer with your friends.
   You can have a beer just about anywhere, anytime.
   You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
   When your beer goes flat, you can toss it.
   Beer doesn't demand equality.
   A beer doesn't care when you come.
   A frigid beer is a good beer.
   You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
   A beer never has a headache.

And I would also offer the following as additional reasons why a beer is
sometimes (?) better than a woman:

   A beer doesn't make you take out the garbage.
   A beer doesn't nag.
   A beer saves a trip to the free clinic.
   A beer doesn't play mind games.
   You can dump a beer, but it'll never dump you.
   Beers don't use your charge cards.
   When you need it real bad, you can get a beer for under $1.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 11:24:13 -0500
From:         Scott <[e-mail]>
Subject:      mildly suggestive joke + blonde joke

  A psychology major was asking Canadian women who they would most like to be.
The first woman said that she "would like to be Kim Campbell!" (ex-Prime
Minister of Canada). "Why?" "Because she had commanded power and respect!". The
second woman said that she "would like to be Anne Murray!" (Canadian singer).
"Why?" "Because she had talent and fame!". The third woman (of Italian descent)
said she "would like to be Alberta Pippolini!". "Who?" the psychology major
asked. "Alberta Pippolini!" the woman repeated. Well, the psychology major
didn't recognize the name, but he continued anyway. "Why?" The woman showed him
a newspaper article. The title read: "100 Men Required to Lay Alberta Pipeline".

(Hint for the slow witted: pronounce it like an Italian would)

  This is an old joke, sorry if you've seen it before:
Q: What do you do if a dumb blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull out the pin out and throw it back at her!
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 08:25:00 PST
From:         Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Unix error messages

[Forwards lining up for Letterman's "Stupid Unix Tricks"]

         These are actual error messages you can receive when typing in
        the following messages at a UNIX command prompt.

% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent

% ar m God
ar: God does not exist

% "How would you rate Reagan's incompetence?
Unmatched ".

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].



% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ Reagan spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.

% make love
Make:  Don't know how to make love.  Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% %blow
%blow: No such job.

% \(-
(-: Command not found.

% sh

$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

$ drink <bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found

$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create

% man sex
No manual entry for sex
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 11:46:27 -0500
From:         Dennis Gray <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Momma Jokes (Do not take Personally)

Your mama so poor, when I saw her kicking a can down the street I asked
her what she was doing, she said "moving"!
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 11:07:58 CST
From:         Patrick Crispen <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Blonde Jokes (OFFENSIVE!)

Q: What's the difference between a Blonde and a bowling ball?
A: If you get drunk enough, you might actually want to eat a
   bowling ball.
A: You get pissed when you throw a bowling ball into the gutter

Q: What's the difference between a Blonde an a hockey player?
A: Hockey players shower after the third period.

Q: What's the difference between a Blonde and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.

And, for my last joke ...

Q: Why aren't University of Georgia students not allowed to swim
   in the Chattahoochie river?
A: Because they leave a ring (it's a joke, Bill)
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 11:26:57 -0600
From:         rozek dani catherine <[e-mail]>
Subject:      why index

This is the first post I'm making so I have no clue if it will go through.

WHY AM I ONLY GETTING AN INDEX LIST. I JUST WANT THE ACTUAL MESSAGES.
CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 12:35:44 EST
From:         Nash Kimberly CDT <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Good Blonde Jokes (obscene)

more blond jokes

Q.  What do you call 10 blonds in a freezer?
A.  Frosted Flakes.

Q.  What is the difference between a 747 and a blond?
A.  Not everyone has been in a 747.

Q.  Why are blonds and turtles alike?
A.  They are both fucked when they are on their backs.

Q.  Why did the blond get fired from the M&M's factory?
A.  She kept throwing away all of the W's.

Q.  How do you keep a blond occupied for hours?
A.  Have her alphabetize a bag of M&M's.

Kimberly D. Nash
Cadet CPL A-1 96
United States Military Academy

Go Army Track
Go Army Throwers
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 12:42:00 EST
From:         "G.BOCCANFUSO" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Limerick Offensive to Some HUMOR Subscribers

Some people who subscribe to humor,
Must be suffering from a brain tumor.
They unsubscribe from the list,
making everyone else quite pissed
Who have to read this non-HUMOR.

*********************************************************************

"The only people I fear are the ones that never have any doubts."
Billy Joel "River of Dreams" album

*********************************************************************
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 12:50:47 CST
From:         David Christian <[e-mail]>
Organization: North Dakota Higher Education Computer Network
Subject:      Cold weather observation, true story

During the past month and a half, it has been EXTREMELY cold on the northern
plains, and here in North Dakota, we've been setting records...which is no big
deal for us.  We are use to it, right?  Well, most of us are.

The other morning I was walking to class.  The temperature, without the wind
chill factored in, was somewhere around -35 degrees F (and for those of you
who do the other scale, that's about -37 Celicius).  As I walked up to the
building where my class is held, I noticed a young lady holding her tongue in
her mittened hands, and saw her spit blood into the pristine snow beside her.
I asked her what happened, to which she replied...

"Well, somehow, my tongue hit my zipper pull, like this..."  and she proceded
to stick out her tongue and press it against the zipper pull, which was metal.

(For those who don't know...when it gets below -25, dry, bare flesh with
freeze on contact with almost any metal.)
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 14:17:43 EST
From:         JOHN STONE <[e-mail]>
Organization: US ARMY SIMA-EAST
Subject:      nun joke / sexual

     This is appropiate for Irish (Catholic) wakes/weddings, if you know
your crowd.

     Three Nuns die in a car wreck and find themselves standing before
St.Peter at the gate.

St.Peter: You have all led exemplary lives, but before you may pass
through the gates of Heaven, you must each answer one question.

     The first Nun steps forward.

St.Peter: Who was the first man on Earth?

     Nun: Thats easy, it was Adam.

     The lightning flashes, the thunder roars, the gates of Heaven fly
open, she is swept in and they slam shut behind her.

     The second Nun steps forward.

St.Peter: Who was the first woman on Earth?

     Nun: Thats easy, it was Eve.

     The lightning flashes, the thunder roars, the gates of Heaven fly
open, she is swept in and they slam shut behind her.

     The third Nun steps forward.

St.Peter: What were Eve's first words?

     The Nun thinks and thinks, finally she gives up, looks at St.Peter
and says "Oh, thats a hard one!"

     The lightning flashes, the thunder roars, the gates of Heaven fly
open, she is swept in and they slam shut behind her.


Only the innocent need blush, or would they even get it?
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 13:15:06 CST
From:         "Steven B. Brinkmann Mu" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      null

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ANSWER:  Two, but the question is, how did they get in there?
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 10:24:13 PST
From:         Dave Clough <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: HUMOR: Black hat/condom --Translation included

> > In an article [e-mail] (Shakib Otaqui) said:
> >
> > An English couple were in Paris when the wife died. The
> > husband wanted the funeral there, and needed to buy a black
> > hat for the funeral. He mistook the word "chapeau" and went
> > in search instead for a "capote".
> >
capote=condom

> > Asking where he could get a capote, he was directed to the
> > chemist's shop, where he asked for a capote noire.
> >
capote noire= black condom

> > L'homme behind the counter said, "Capote noire, capote noire?
> > Monsieur, nous avons des capotes jaune, et capotes rouge,
> > mais...capotes noire...nous n'en avons pas. Pourquois
> > voudriez-vous une capote noire?"
> >
The man behind the counter said, "Black condom, black condom?
Sir, we have yellow condoms, and red condoms,
but...black condoms...we don't have those.  Why
would you want a black condom?"

> > The poor widower replied "C'est pour ma femme. Elle est
> > morte."
> >
The poor widower replied, "It's for my wife.  She is dead."

> > "Ah" replied the shop man, "les Anglais...quelle finesse!"
> >
>
"Ah," replied the shop man, "The English...such class!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 12 Feb 1994 05:45:20 +0100
From:         MILTON C <[e-mail]>
Subject:      INSPIRED BY Animal  Humor Post;MAYBE OFFENSIVE...

Whats the difference between Like and Love?
Spit or Swallow...
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 11:48:00 PST
From:         Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber <[e-mail]>
Subject:      penitence

Not exactly about nuns or priests, but here's something....


There was a group of Boy Scouts working on their Community Service
award, and they picked painting a local church that was a little run
down as their project. So they held a fund raiser, bought the paint, a
local store donated the brushes, and one sunny weekend they set to work.

 After painting a few hours, they were about half done, when they
realized that they would run short of paint. Well, the cans said that
the paint could be thinned with water, so they added some water,
stirred it up, and kept going.  Late in the afternoon, at the back of
the church, they again realized that the even the thinned paint wasn't
going to cover the entire church, so they added some more water.

Finally it was finished. The entire church was painted, although due to
the various amounts of thinning during the project, it looked a little
like a patchwork quilt as the new paint covered some spots a lot better
then others.

Just then, a small dark cloud covered the sun and a voice spoke out saying:
"repaint!   repaint!   and thin no more."
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 13:59:46 CST
From:         "Mike D. Schomburg" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      possibly offensive to Chicanos (BAD word)

Miss Prunt was called away from the second grade class momentarily, and when
she returned she found the following on the blackboard:

          T T T  1 A

          T T T  1 O

          T T T  F U C K  1 T

Naturally, Miss Prunt was quite surprised and disappointed to find nasty
words on the board, so she asked the class if they could explain what had
happened.

Little Suzy raised her hand, and said that she had written the first line,
which simply meant: To The Teacher - One Apple. Miss Prunt gave a small sigh
of relief, since this was reasonable enough.

Little Johnny raised his hand, and said that he had written the second line,
only wanting to do something nice after Suzy had, which meant: To The
Teacher - One Orange. Again Miss Prunt was relieved, since this too was
quite reasonable. But the worst part remained. She said: thank you Suzy and
Johnny for admitting that you wrote the first two lines. But how did the
last part happen?

Little Hugo spoke up from the back of the room: Well Miss Prunt, after I saw
Suzy and Johnny write something nice for you I wanted to too, so I wrote: To
The Teacher...From Us Chicano Kids - One Taco.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 14:56:45 EST
From:         Rich Elkins <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Signed joke (may be offensive to interpreters)

Today in Deaf Culture class we were watching stories and jokes in sign on
a tape. Many of them don't translate well into English, but this one does.

There was once a deaf man and a hearing man who lived next door to one
another. The hearing man found a large sack of money which he suspected
had been lost from an armored truck, so he took it and burried it in a safe
place in his back yard. That night the hearing man was awakened to noises in
his backyard, so he looked out the window and thought he saw his deaf next
door neighbor leaving with the bag of loot.
So the next day he went to the house of another neighbor who worked as an
sign language interpreter. He asked the interpreter to go to the deaf man's
house with him so he could ask about the money and what he had done with it.
When they got there he told the interpreter to relay to the deaf man that he
saw him taking the money from his backyard, and that he must tell him where
he put the money or he would shoot him. This the interpreter relayed to the
deaf man. The deaf man, seeing that there had been a misunderstanding,
explained in sign to the interpreter that he had seen a dog trying to dig
something up in the hearing mans backyard, went to investigate, and found the
bag of money, which he was going to ask the hearing man about that same day
but that he had burried it in his backyard which was fenced in where dogs
couldn't get to it. And that it was burried at the base of the elm tree in his
backyard. The interpreter relayed to the hearing man "He won't tell you where
the money is hidden, you'll have to shoot him."

In case you didnt get it, the interpreter now knows where the money is and
intends to come dig it up himself.
Rich
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 13:02:22 -0800
From:         "DNA:THE SPLICE OF LIFE" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      sex (my favorite topic)-offensive to law abiding sex practicineers

        Its been a little while since I've posted any odd sex laws so I
thought regale everyone with a few more.  Today's topic: laws regarding
homosexuality.  Let's have a little peek at ourselves and gaze into
the repository  of our ultimate wisdom.  ("Ha!", he says with more than a
hint of sarcasm)

1.  The use of chili sauce and similar hot spices on jail and prison food is
outlawed in Peru. An edict was handed down by the interior Minister
Because these items were claimed to have "Aphrodisiac qualities" and
would arouse "sexual desires".  This Bureaucrat deemed chili sauce and other
spices to be "not appropriate for men who are forced to live a limited
life style."
        Of course you realize, it was probably all that chili sauce eating
that got them into trouble in the first place. Inmates were
probably addicted to Chili sauce before their incarceration.
 BAN CHILI SAUCE!! It's eating away at the moral fiber of our society.

2. Any heterosexual or homosexual man or woman involved in sodomy in Sierra
Leone will be tied to the stake and burned alive.  "Sodomy" in this country,
according to the law,"will not be tolerated under any circumstances."
        Yeah, but if the participants enjoy sodomy, this burning at the
stake thing may be right up their alley.  You're not teaching them a lesson
at all.

3.  Norwegian homosexuals aren't ordinarily bothered much by the police.  But
apparently they could be locked up at the whim of a politician.  The law is
unusually vague.  Homosexuals can be arrested and jailed or otherwise
punished when it's "considered necessary in the public interest."
        Does this mean the public gets to buy tickets to a show? Sick I tell
you, sick.

4. And finally, perhaps the coup de resistance, two or more homosexuals
in Miami Florida, aren't allowed to get together in any place of business.
Why? According to the law, such activities just might "endanger or threaten
the public health, morals, safety and general welfare."  Alcoholic beverages
of any kind, also according to the laws in Miami, legally be sold to homo-
sexuals.
        I have to admit this is a good law.  Many is the time I've been
 sitting in a restaurant, minding my own business only to be accosted by
a gang of drunk homosexuals threatening to tie me up and drop me from
a 10 story building unless I confess to harboring unfavorable views about
monogamy.  Yeah.....right.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 16:28:09 EST
From:         Sim Webster <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Humor: Things not to say or do at your thesis defense <3 of 6>

148 THINGS (NOT) TO DO OR SAY AT OR FOR YOUR THESIS DEFENSE

Written by Master Peter Dutton
contributions by Jim Lalopoulos, Alison Berube, and Jeff Cohen,
Patricia Whitson and a few others.

51) Leave Jehovah's Witness pamphlets scattered about.
52) "There will be a short quiz after my presentation..."
53) "Professor Robinson, will you marry me?"
54) Bring your pet boa.
55) Tell ghost stories.
56) Do a "show and tell".
57) Food fight.
58) Challenge a professor to a duel. Slapping him with a glove is optional.
59) Halftime show.
60) "Duck, duck, duck, duck... GOOSE!"
61) "OK - which one of you farted?"
62) Rimshot.
63) Sell those big foam "We're number #1 (sic)" hands.
64) Pass out souvenier matchbooks.
65) 3-ring defense.
66) "Tag - you're it!"
67) Circulate a vicious rumor that the Dead will be opening, making sure that
   it gets on the radio stations, and escape during all the commotion.
68) Post signs: "Due to a computer error at the Registrar's Office, the
   original room is not available, and the defense has been relocated to
   (Made-up non-existent room number)"
69) Hang a pinata over the table and have a strolling mariachi band.
70) Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question he asks.
71) Rent a billboard on the highway proclaiming "Thanks for passing me
   Professors X,Y, and Z" - BEFORE your defense happens.
72) Have a make-your-own-sundae table during the defense.
73) Make committee members wear silly hats.
74) Simulate your experiment with a virtual reality system for the
   spectators.
75) Do a soft-shoe routine.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 15:34:08 CST
From:         "Brian J. Gill" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      micheal jackson

Why did Micheal Jackson get kicked out of the boyscouts?
He was doing over a pac a day!!
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 16:40:41 EST
From:         Angel Dey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Humor about trains

Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: Trains
Sender: [e-mail]
Organization: Charles Sturt University - Riverina, NSW, Australia

This joke is pretty old (I think it was found written on one of the Dead Sea
Scrolls) but to those who haven't heard it, I continue...

     A father was sitting reading the paper in the same room as his five year
old son, who was playing trains.  The father was shocked when the boy, upon
bringing the train into the station, shouted -

     "OK!  All you *#@$@!!s gettin' on, get the @&%!! on, all you &%$@%!!s
gettin' off, get the @*!!*@ off!"

     The father was very angry and ordered the child up to his room for two
hours, after which he could come back and play.  Two hours later, the child
returned to his train set, and the father stayed in the next room, listening.
But when the train pulled in to the station, the boy said -

     "OK!  All you *@%%$!!s gettin' on, get the %#$!! on, all you !&@%!!s
gettin' off, get the &%#$!! off.  And if you want to know why we're delayed
for two hours, ask that #%@*!! in the next room!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 16:18:16 -0600
From:         Lawrence Fatteicher <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Stupid Horse.<offensive to horses, possibly Indians>

First message to the Humor list...Enjoy reading the jokes, stories, etc... in
the list, keep them coming

My contribution from my folder of jokes...

-----

A guy is travelling the wild and wooly west when a band of Indian warriors
capture him.  He is tied to a stake and the chief is about to light a fire
under him.  The guy yells, "HOLD IT, HOLD IT!!!  Could I have one last request
before you burn me at the stake."  The Chief is surprised that this guy would
even dare to make such a request.  The chief then says, "So what is your last
request?!?!?"  The guy says, "Could I talk to my horse?"

Well the Indian chief is floored by such a request but calls for one of the
braves to bring the guy's horse. The guy wispers in the horse's ear,  The
horse gallops over the hill and in a couple minutes comes back carrying a
blonde girl on it back.  The chief then says "Okay, I'll give you a half an
hour with the girl."  The several warriors untie the guy, put the guy and girl
in a teepee, half hour later take the guy out, tie him up again.

The chief again goes to light the fire but the guy again says "HOLD IT, HOLD
IT... Can I have another request before you burn me at the stake."  The chief,
getting perturbed says, "Now what is your request??"  The guys asks "Can I
talk to my horse again, just one more time."  The chief calls for the horse to
be brought again.

The horse is brought again and again the guy wispers in the horse's ear.  The
horse gallops over a hill and comes back with a burnette girl this time.  The
chief says "Okay I'll give you another half hour with this girl."  The
warriors untie the guy put the guy and girl in the teepee, half an hour goes
by the guy is brought out, and tied to the stake.  The chief one more goes to
light the fire.

Again the guy yells, "HOLD IT, HOLD IT, I just want one more request.  This
will be the last time.  I will not ask for anything more."  The chief is damn
angry but says "Okay, this is it. This is the last thing you can ask for.  You
have run out of requests..."

The guy again asks for his horse.  A brave brings the horse.  The guy grabs
the horse by both sides of the head and shakes it saying, "POSSE, you stupid
horse, POSSE.  Read my lips P-O-S-S-E!!!!"

-----

Lawrence Fatteicher
Palliser Institute
Moose Jaw, SK.

[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 16:13:33 CST
From:         Randy Venne <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Valentine's Day

This is my first posting to Humor.  I got this out of the newspaper here at
Carthage College.  (This is not from Letterman)

Top 10 reasons to celebrate Valentine's Day

10. Your tax return came back.
9.  Michael Jordan Valentines are on sale at K-Mart.
8.  Bell-bottoms are making a comeback.
7.  Birth Control
6.  You can listen Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" repeatedly
without your neighbors calling security with a complaint.
5.  Lingerie
4.  Cold sores were meant to be shared.
3.  Another season, another reason... for making whoopee.
2.  Cupids are just so darn cute.
1.  Edible Underwear.


Top 10 reasons to wear black, pout and otherwise hibernate on Valentine's Day

10.  Everyone is either taken, not of a compatible sexual orientation or
faithful Barney fans.
9.  Shindler's List is one bummer of a movie.
8.  Short, cute, perky people.
7.  It's Monday
6.  All of your red and pink polka-dot clothes are in the wash.
5.  Your love/sex life closely follows the plot of a soap opera--one that was
cancelled years ago.
4.  "Love Stinks" is a really great song.
3.  Ugly people will make googly eyes at you everywhere you go.
2.  VD
1.  Radio stations will play Michael Bolton ALL DAY LONG.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 18:00:34 -0500
From:         gwen eckman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      true story

My roommate was telling me of a couple people (non Americans) talking on
the Net. One says to the other "Hey, do you know who this Tonya Harding
is that everyone is talking about?" The other guy replied, "yes, she the
woman who cut off her husband's penis".
I found that amusing enough to share.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 18:29:07 -0600
From:         Rogers Shane Patrick <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Salesman Joke, slightly offensive.

A travelling salesman was driving through a rural area when his car broke
down. As the only place in sight was a farm house, he decided to ask for
the residents whether he could use their phone.  Upon knock on the door
and asking about the phone, however, the farmer informed him that they
did not have one.  As it was approaching night fall, the TS asked the
farmer if he could stay the night.  The farmer agreed, but said that
there was only one bedroom-for himself and his gorgeous wife-so the TS
would have to sleep on the couch in the living room.  The three of them
settled into their respective spots for the night and the TS was almost
asleep when he heard the farmer's wife whispering in his ear "Make love
to me," she said. "But your husband is in the other room!" the TS
exclaimed.  "That's no big deal, he sleeps like a log" she said, and then
to show him, she took him into the bedroom and plucked a hair out of his
behind, without waking up. The TS agreed and they made love.  When he
was done, however, whe asked him again to have sex with her.  He
protested at first, but she again showed him that her husband would not
awake by pulling a hair out of his butt. This happened several times
throughout the night before the farmer's wife was finally satisfied.  In
the morning, the TS agrees to stay for breakfast (the whole time avoiding
the gaze of the farmer, feeling guilty).  At the breakfast table, the
farmer said to the TS "You know, I don't mind if you fuck my wife, but
did you have to keep score on my ass?"
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 20:46:48 EST
From:         Adams Michael CDT <[e-mail]>
Subject:      EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE TO WOMEN

What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out!!!!!
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 21:41:03 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Humor: occupational names <amusing, but not funny, word origins>

CHAUFFEUR

French for a "heater." Originally this term was used for a particularly nasty
breed of robbers, who broke into houses, seized the occupants, and then
tortured them by burning their feet in the fireplace until they disclosed
where they had stashed their valuables.

Later, the word was applied to stokers of steam engines, including the early
steam powered automobiles. Finally, chauffeur came to mean the driver of any
car.


DIPLOMAT

Greek for "folded twice." A diplomat dealt in matters so secret that the
documents required this special precaution.


LORD

In Old English the head of the house was called the hlafweard: "loaf warden,"
or "master of the bread." This approached the 1960s slang "bread" for what
most people called money.

On the way to lord it passed through many intermediate forms, such as hlaford
and louerd.

Similarly, a lady was originally the "bread-kneader," hlaefdige, before become
levedi, levdi, and finally, in the 14th century ladi.

A retainer, in Old English, is a hlafeta, "bread-eater."


PONTIFF

Pontiff comes from the Latin pontifex, "bridge-builder." Once a year in
ancient Rome the pontiffs, led by their chief, the pontifex maximus, or "chief
bridge-builder," solemnly threw 23 straw dolls called argei into the Tiber.
This was to compensate the river-god for the drowned travelers he had forgone
as solid bridges replaced leaky rowboats.

With time, the Pope succeeded to the title: in English Supreme Pontiff. In
recent years, however, he has neglected his duty to throw the dolls into the
river.


John Train's *Remarkable Words with Astonishing Origins* should be blamed for
most of this text, although the typing is mine alone.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 19:23:32 PST
From:         Karen Friesen <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Lawyer joke

Nathan Morris, a lawyer, died and appeared before the Pearly
Gates.  When he arrived, a chorus of angels began to sing in his
honour and St Peter himself came out to shake his hand.

"Mr Morris," said St Peter, "it is a great honour to have you
here at last.  You are the first being to break Methuselah's record
for longevity.  You have lived 1028 years."

"What are you talking about?" said Morris.  "I'm 56."

"56?  But aren't you Nathan Morris?"  "Yes."

"A lawyer?"  "Yes."

"From Brooklyn?"  "Yes."

"Let me check the records," said St Peter.  He slapped his hand
against his forehead.  "Now I see the mistake--we added up
your billing hours!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 11:46:11 PST
From:         Dave Clough <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: clean stories

> When I was 13, I went to the doctor for my annual physcial examination.  When
> it came time to "fill the cup," I went into the bathroom.  While in the
> bathroom, I filled the cup with apple juice, instead of urine.

Reminds me of a similar story:

A man who was in the hospital for a few days was a directed to give a urine
sample to the nurse for analysis each day.  After a couple of days, he decided to have
a little fun with the lab/nurse/doctor.  When he was served his lunch, he received
some apple juice, which he poured into the urine container.

When the nurse came to collect the daily sample, she remarked casually, "Hmmmmm,
looks a little cloudy today."  The man picked up the apple juice and said,
"It sure does.  Let me run it through again." and drank it, much to the
horror of the nurse.
=========================================================================
Date:         Fri, 11 Feb 1994 22:27:45 -0600
From:         "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Top Ten List for 2/10/94

---> February 10, 1994 <---

==================================================
Top Ten Questions Connie Chung Asked Tonya Harding
==================================================

10. "Would you walk through the metal detector one more time, please?"
 9. "Do you think you could kick my ass?"
 8. "Can you help me and Maury have a baby?"
 7. "How much do you think your pals would charge to whack Dan Rather's knees?"
 6. "What the hell is that Cop on the Edge thing?"
    (All night, Dave had little skits with Bruno Kirby as the "Cop on the
    Edge")
 5. "Do you know Amy Fisher?"
 4. "When he hit Nancy in the knee, did it sort of sound like 'Chunnnggg'?"
 3. "Did you see the Beatles reunion on Letterman last night?"
    (Here they played the clip from Wednesday's show of Calvert DeForest, as
    the Beatles, singing one of their tunes)
 2. "How many packs of cigarettes is a gold medal worth in prison?"
 1. "Can you spell 'Gillooly'?"

Brian Peek
[e-mail]
Owner of the Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List Listserv
=========================================================================
Date:         Sat, 12 Feb 1994 08:00:37 EST
From:         Tom Rynders <[e-mail]>
Subject:      snow diary <offensive language>

In celebration of the nasty weather currently striking parts of the US, I
thought I'd share this humorous bit for my first post.  I've never read it
here before; my apologies if others have...

September 12:  Moved to our new home in Maine.  It is so beautiful here!  I
love it!!!

November 24:  It snowed last night!  I woke up to find everything blanketed
with white.  It looks just like a postcard.  We went outside and cleaned the
snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway.  We had a snowball fight (I
won!!!) and then when the snowplow came by we had to shovel the driveway
again.  What a beautiful day!!  I love it in Maine!!!

December 2:  Well, all the snow has melted.  I hope we get some more.

December 12:  More snow last night!  I love it!  The snow plow did his trick
again at the driveway.

December 19:  More snow.  Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. Am
exhausted from shoveling -- goddamn snow plow!

December 22:  More of the white shit fell last night.  I've got blisters on
my hands from shoveling.  I think the snow plow hides around the corner and
waits 'til I'm done shoveling the driveway - asshole!!

December 25:  Merry Christimas - more goddamn snow!  If I ever get my hands
on that son-of-a-bitch who drives the snow plow I swear I'll kill him!!!!

December 27:  More white shit last night.  Been inside for three days!  Can't
go anywhere, car's stuck in a mountain of goddamn snow.  The weatherman says
to expect another ten inches of the white shit tonight.  Do they know how
many shovels full of snow ten inches is!!!!!!???

December 28:  The weatherman was wrong.  We got 14 inches of the white shit.
At this rate it won't melt 'til goddamn August!!! The snow plow got stuck
just up the street.  The guy asked if he could borrow my shovel.  I hit him
with it!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------ 61