DP Tool Club 12/CD_ASCQ_12_0294.iso/vrac/humor00s.zip/LOG00060

Text File | 1994-02-12 | 91KB | 1,977 lines

HUMOR LOG #60
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 7 Feb 1994 00:24:34 EST
From:         Nic van der Vyver <[e-mail]>
Subject:      SEX/AIDS (adult themes!)

Donald decided that it was time he also enjoyed the excitement of a
dirty week-end and duly invited Daisy out with him.   They drive into
the wild and booked into the grand Potshot hotel.   Typically this
week-end also started with wining and dining in the hotel's grand
dining room.   During dinner Daisy, a sensible girl, and not altogether
naive and knowing well what's coming, whispered to Donald reminding him
of the horrible dread diseases going around in modern times, and did he
remember to bring a condom.

He didn't, but nothing was going to mar THIS week-end, so Donald called
the waiter over and ordered one.   The waiter duly obliged and brought
the condom to Donald on a tray asking, "Here we are sir.  Shall I put
it on your bill?"   Without a moment's doubt Donald replied, "Heavens
no!  I'm not THAT kind of a duck!"

----

Ever thought of how a very short lad could have problems doing IT if he
happens to have a very tall, statuette-like wife?
You know, like when they are nose to nose, his toes are in it, and when
they are toes to toes, his nose is in it!
=========================================================================
Date:         Sun, 6 Feb 1994 22:50:17 -0600
From:         Timothy R Watts <[e-mail]>
Subject:      S Trek top-ten

Hello all HUMOR readers!  This is my first post, so I hope you enjoy it.
As far as I know this is NOT from Dave Letterman's show.


-------------Top Ten Things that Never Happen on Star Trek-----------------

10  The Enterprise runs into a energy field of a type it has encountered
    several times before.

9   The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all
    perfectly alright.

8   Some of the crew visits the holodeck and it works properly.

7   The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new lifeform, which later
    turns out to be a rather well-known old life-form wearing a funny hat.

6   The crew of the Enterprise is afflicted by a mysterious plague, for which
    the only cure can be found in the well-stocked enterpise sick bay.

5   The captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people
    which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.

4   An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the
    Enterprise's computer, only to find it has forgotten to bring the right
    leads.

3   A power surge on the bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty
    capacitor by the highly trained and competent engineering staff.

2   A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but
    fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to
    everyone's satisfaction.

1   The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in
    some way unconnected to the late 20th century.

=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 7 Feb 1994 08:18:14 -0500
From:         Laurie Firth <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Michael Jackson joke

         Q. Have you heard about the new Michael Jackson doll?
         A. It plays with your kids.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 7 Feb 1994 09:07:00 EST
From:         FLEMING * JOHN NEIL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Tonya Harding sticks to the team.

    Official news just in; Tonya Harding *will* be on the US Olympic team
in Lillehammer....

The Us Olympic *Hockey* team.

    Meanwhile, how come she got caught up is such an dumb plot in the
first place?

    Well, she is a blonde, what did you expect?

    Jeff Gilooly has changed his story to the police now. He was going to
amputate the leg, not hit it, but he'd lent Lorena had the good knife.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 7 Feb 1994 15:08:00 IST
From:         "A. SOLOMON EAGLSTEIN" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      word origins

No no no. You've got it all wrong. F.U.C.K. first appeared in the
Massechusettes (sp?) common law of the early 1700's. The acronym refers
to felonious and unlawful carnal knowledge.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 7 Feb 1994 09:20:42 -0500
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      From the Daily Collegian

State College, PA -- William Walker of 636 East College Avenue was cited
for public drunkenness and criminal trespassing Saturday night after
allegedly wandering into a house on Prospect Avenue, police said.

Walker was also cited for defiant trespassing Saturday night when he
allegedly wandered into Delta Tau Delta fraternity, police said. Members
of the fraternity asked him if he knew anyone at the fraternity. Walker
replied that he knew Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding, police said.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 7 Feb 1994 14:24:00 GMT
From:         Adam BJ Quantrill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Twofer?

I just noticed a special offer sign in the Freezer shop next door:

        "Go to France on any appliance"

I was tempted to ask if they also provided a paddle, or whether the
technique is to throw the Freezer into the Channel, plug it in, and
skate across.

Incidentally sleepy Ipswich does offer a real 'Twofer' called 'This and That'.
Downstairs is an antique shop with 'brass' in the front window, and upstairs
a 'masseuse'. One suspects their motto is 'This and That.... and the Other'!

        - Adam
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 7 Feb 1994 08:11:00 PST
From:         Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber <[e-mail]>
Subject:      ecclesiastics! (poss offensive to religious)

What's black, white, red, and has problems going through revolving doors?
A nun with a spear through her head.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 7 Feb 1994 11:54:00 EST
From:         "Wall, David K." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Computers and Women (some sexism and vulgarity)

Since the "manspeak" post, I don't feel as bashful about posting this.  It
contains some stereotypes, but on the whole I think it's not NEARLY as
"hostile" as the manspeak article.


A comparison of computers and women

Computer                                Woman
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------
doesn't talk (much)(yet)                talks constantly

does what you tell it                   often asks "why" or says "no"

does EXACTLY what you tell it           often intelligent

metallic taste or no taste              yummy pussy

hard metal case                         soft skin

disk drives stay the same size          vagina stretches over time

standardized parts                      each wants something different

comes with manuals                      how the hell does this thing work?

multi-function mouse                    multi-function mouth

doesn't care if you shower              insists on cleanliness

many GIF files                          insists on monogamy

batch files automate activities         likes variety

sits there naked                        spends money on clothes
                                        (but looks better naked)

looks impressive on desk                looks impressive on arm
                         (or face :-)

can turn it off                         demands attention

buying computer magazines helps         buying girly magazines makes it
you work with it                        difficult to work with

usually grey or cream-colored           choice of several colors

keyboard commands                       pressing clitoris makes it quiver

expensive                               expensive

upkeep minimal                          upkeep a major part of budget

one mouse                               one breast for each hand

parallel or serial ports in back        usually dislikes anal sex

no reproductive capacity                gets pregnant at awkward times

can help you with budget      destroys budget

loads of software available        two soft breasts;
                         hours of entertainment!

Pepsi Syndrome makes keyboard      wet spot makes woman difficult
difficult to use

one switch turns it on             demands foreplay

can play games with it             will play games with you

operating system insures           rules change without warning
consistent behavior

networking allows communication         if you do something stupid, all the
                         other women know it immediately

=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 7 Feb 1994 10:47:20 MST
From:         Phil Corless <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Tonya Harding (PG)

Q:  What do Tonya Harding and Bob Packwood have in common?
A:  They're both skating on thin ice, and they like to hit on women.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 7 Feb 1994 10:53:49 -0400
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to
              be what I am now." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A clergyman at the Pearly Gates.....

        A Builder, a clergyman and a politician sttod outside the Pearly
  Gates, waiting for admission.
        "I'm sorry, gentlement," Saint Peter said, "but the gates are broken."
        The builder took a look at the gate, then offered to repair them for
  ten dollars.
        "Why ten dollars?" Saint Peter asked.
        "Five dollars for my labor, five dollars for the material," the
  builder explained.
        "What about you" Saint Peter asked the Clergyman.  "Can you fix them?"
        "Yes, for thirty dollars.  Ten for the orphans' fund, ten for the
  church's building fund, and ten for the poor box."
        "And you, can you fix them?"  Saint Peter asked the politician.
        "Of course," the politician replied.  "But I'll need $110."
        "A hundred ten dollars?"
        "Well, fifty's for me, fifty's for you, and for ten bucks, I can get
  the builder to fix them."
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 7 Feb 1994 14:14:18 -0500
From:         Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The F word - No Folk Etym!!!
Obligatory humor at the end.

Having seen all the incorrect versions of the etymology of f*ck and
having (blush!!) corrected one person with the wrong information,
        I HAVE BEEN TO THE LIBRARY!!!

(When all else fails, read the instructions.)

From vol VI (Follow-Haswed), pp. 237-238, of the 2d edition of The Oxford
English Dictionary, one finds:

fuck [Early Mod E "fuck, fuk" ... not found.  Synonymous German "ficken"
cannot be shown to be related.]  {Pardon me; I thought it WAS related to
"ficken."}
        After definitions, the dictionary gives references to the use of
the word:  about 1503, in Dumbar, "Poems," lxxv, 13. and lots of others.

Obligatory humor:

Announcement in a literary journal:  FOR SALE.  Encyclopaedia, 15
volumes. Absolutely new.  Never been opened.  My wife knows everything.

The Baptist preacher in Hahira sees the town drunk zigzagging as he walks
down the street.  The preacher comes up behind him, taps him on the
shoulder, and says, "Drunk again!!"
        The drunk responds, "Me, too, preacher!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 7 Feb 1994 11:31:47 -0800
From:         "DNA:THE SPLICE OF LIFE" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      nun humor

        One hundred nuns are sitting in church listening to the mother's
sermon.
The mother stands at the pulpit, glares at her flock and says in a stern
voice,
"Sisters, I have some very serious news.  Last night, I found a MAN in the
convent!" 99 nuns gasp, and one giggles, "hee hee hee".
        "What makes it worse", says the mother, "is that he was found naked!"
99 nuns gasp and one giggles,"hee hee hee."
        "Furthermore, this man was found carrying a pair of panties from one
of our sisters,"said the mother.
        99 nuns gasp, one giggles, "hee hee hee."
        "When I searched the church, I found a condom in one of the
confessionals", said the mother in her sternest voice.
        99 nuns gasp, one giggles, "hee hee hee"
        "And this condom," the mother's voice rising to a fevered pitch, "this
condom had a HOLE in it!!"
        99 nuns giggled "hee hee hee", and one nun gasped.

The only religious joke I know

ciao fer now
mike


* remember, if your not in bed by 10:30....go home
**What I want are clearly defined boundaries of doubt and uncertainty**
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 7 Feb 1994 15:09:19 EST
From:         Bryan Pack <[e-mail]>
Subject:      can you believe it? a CLEAN joke!

a VERY intoxicated guy stumbles into a bar.  He strides up to the bartender
and says, "Bartender!  I want to buy a round of drinks for EVERYONE in this
place... start pouring!  And be SURE to pour one for yourself!"

So, the bartender, very happy to see such generosity, pours everyone in the
bar a drink, including one for himself.  He gulps it down and says, "Okay,
buddy, that'll be forty-five bucks."

The drunk looks out him, snickers, shrugs his shoulders and says, "I don't
have any money! *hee-hee*"

"WHAT!!!!" The bartender grabs the guy's collar, slaps him around pretty
fiercely, and literally tosses him out through the door.

The next night, the same deadbeat comes in the door, drunk as ever, and
announces, "I am going to buy a drink for EVERYONE in this bar!  Barkeep,
start pouring!  And be sure to pour one for yourself!"

The bartender pauses, but then thinks, "This guy CAN'T be stupid enough to
try to get away with this twice in a row."  So, once again, he pours everyone
a drink on the drunk guy's tab, and he makes sure that he has poured himself
a drink.

The bartender gulps his drink down and says, "Okay, buddy, that's gonna be
forty-eight dollars."

The drunk looks up, giggling, and says, "I don't have any money!"

The bartender is steamed!  He yanks the drunk off his feet, beats on him a
while, drags him outside, and pitches him into the dumpster.

The third night, the SAME DRUNK stumbles into the bar.

"Oh, mercy... I don't BELIEVE this guy..." thinks the bartender.

"Bartender!" pipes up the drunk, "I want to buy every customer in this place
a drink!  Start pouring!"

"Oh," teases the bartender, "so you're not gonna buy ME a drink tonight?"

"No," answers the drunk. "You get violent when you drink!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 7 Feb 1994 12:50:14 PDT
From:         Cindy Parker <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Everyday annoyances------pretty dang clean

Text item: Text_1

     Hello everybody.  This is my first post to HUMOR, so I hope you enjoy
     it.

     A couple weeks ago, I purchased a tremendously funny book titled "1401
     Things That P*ss Me Off".  I spent about an hour reading it, but found
     myself just rolling because some of the stuff was so true and so,
     well... funny.  Anyway, I thought some of you might enjoy getting a
     laugh or two from this partial list below.  For a more extended list,
     please write a short note to me at my personal e-mail address (NOT the
     HUMOR one), which you'll find at the bottom of this entry.  Thanks,
     and keep the humor coming...

                   TAKEN FROM "1401 THINGS THAT P*SS ME OFF"

     - "put stamp here" instructions on envelopes
     - when you can see a ventriloquist's lips moving
     - co-workers who jam the copier. then flee the scene of the crime
     - fans who do "the wave" too many times
     - running to answer a phone that's ringing on TV
     - having to make idle conversation with your haircutter
     - when you rent a movie and it's on TV that night
     - very fast roaches
     - those useless "hints" in math word problems
     - when someone calls you on speakerphone
     - overcast skies during a total eclipse
     - ethnic restaurants where you never see any ethnics dining
     - searching for intelligent life in space when Earth could use some
     - gas stations that don't have signs telling you whether to "Pump
     First" or "Pay First"
     - being a female who happens to be in a bad mood and having someone
     assume it's "that time of the month" again
     - children who don't cry when Bambi's mother dies
     - packaged ketchup that covers only about two of your french fries
     - walking into a glass door
     - the comment "we need to talk"
     - tests of the Emergency Broadcast System
     - recorded phone solicitations
     - the same commercial twice in a row
     - when the fun park ride starts up, the person who always says,
     "Heeeeeeeeere weeee go!"
     - when "Cajun-blackened" means "burned"
     - going to 31 Flavors, ordering vanilla
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 7 Feb 1994 14:47:39 -0600
From:         Tom McCown <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re-telling of a previous joke (possibly offensive)

I heard a slightly different (and better IMHO) version of the joke about
the urine samples...

A man was having a problem with tennis elbow.  The pain became so bad that
he finally went to the doctor.  While he waited in the examining room,
a nurse entered and requested a urine sample.  "Why?!  My problem is my
elbow!"  But the nurse insisted, and the man finally complied.  Moments
later the doctor entered and said "Well, the results of the urinalysis
show that you have tennis elbow...I can prescribe some ointment and a pain
killer..."  "WHAT?!", the man interrupted, "How could you tell that from
just a urine sample?"  The doctor replied "I've just purchased this incredible
new machine that can diagnose ANY ailment of the human body from just a
urine specimen!  It cost a fortune, but now we can get results almost
instantly, and no other test is needed.  Now, come back in 2 weeks, give
us another urine sample, and we'll see if your elbow is healed."  Of course,
the man was skeptical, and upon going home he told his wife, who also
figured it was a scam of some kind.  So they decided to try and trick this
"machine".  2 weeks later, on the day he is supposed to return to the doctor,
the man pees in a jar, then gets his wife and teenage daughter to pee in it.
He puts in some oil from his car, and then, for good measure, he jerks off
into it.  Mixing it all up, he puts a lid on the jar and hides it in his
coat while he enters the doctor's office.  When he is asked for a urine
sample, he goes into the bathroom and instead pours this melange into the
cup.  The nurse takes it and leaves.  A full fifteen minutes later, the
doctor comes in and says, "All right, smartass.  Your wife is pregnant,
your daughter has syphilis, your car's on the verge of throwing a rod and
if you don't quit jerking off that elbow will NEVER heal!"

                                                                -TOM-
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 7 Feb 1994 16:16:58 EST
From:         Jon Back <[e-mail]>
Subject:      (U)

What goes:

CLOP  CLOP  CLOP  CLOP  CLOP  BANG  CLOP  CLOP  CLOP  CLOP  CLOP  CLOP

AN AMISH DRIVE-BY SHOOTING!
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 7 Feb 1994 17:37:20 EST
From:         Bryan Pack <[e-mail]>
Subject:      saloon joke [PG-13]

another bar joke... this time, good and raunchy

Out west, many years ago, a prospector passes through a small, small town
at the foot of a mountain range.  He stops for a while to load up on supplies
before he heads up the mountain to seek his fortune.

He loads up his mule with his purchases from the general store and heads into
the town's lone saloon.  "Bartender," he says, "gimme a shot of whisky."

He takes his whisky, gulps it down, and leans over to the bartender. In a
quiet, discreet voice, he asks, "Say, barkeep... I'm gonna be up that mountain
for quite a while all by myself.  Before I go, is there any place in town
where I could find a... uh... woman?  For a little, quick compaionship?"

"Sorry, friend," answers the bartender, "This is a mighty small town.  We
don't
have any women.  But, we do have Old Joe in the back."  He points through a
door behind the bar to an old man slumped in a chair.

The prospector is stunned and disgusted.  "OLD JOE!" he gasps. "I don't go
for that shit!!!"

He turns and storms out of the saloon, gets on his mule, and heads up the
mountain.


Now, it's about three months later.  The prospector needs more supplies, and
he's getting horny.  So he returns to town, loads up on stuff, and goes back
into the saloon.  He orders his whiskey, drinks it, and says, "Say, bartender,
have situations changed?...  any women in town that a fellow could spend the
afternoon with?"

"Sorry, friend, still no women." answers the bartender.  "But we still got
Old Joe in the back..."

"OLD JOE!  I done TOLD you I don't go for that shit!"

And back up the mountain he goes.

Six more months have passed.  The prospector is once again low on supplies.
And he's REALLY horny by now.  He heads down the mountain, loads up at the
general store, and sheepishly goes into the bar....

"Bartender, whiskey please."  He drinks it down.  "I don't suppose... you
know..."

"Nope.  Sorry, pal.  But we still have Old Joe in the back."

"I don't go for that shit," the prospector mumbles.  "Give me another drink."

He drinks it down, thinking.  "Say, bartender...  If I were to go in the back
with Old Joe, who all would know?"

"Well," answers the bartender, "you, me, Old Joe, of course... and the two
other guys."

"Two other guys?  What two other guys?"

"The two other guys to hold Old Joe down-- he don't go for that shit, either!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 7 Feb 1994 14:59:17 -0800
From:         Gordon Ho <bacts![e-mail]>
Subject:      Political : Clean, semi-offensive to Clinton fans

Former Vice President Dan Quayle told this joke to my colleague on Saturday,
Feb. 5,
1994 while waiting to tee off on the 14th hole at the AT & T Pebble Beach
National Pro-am
golf tournament in Monterey, CA.

The day before his inauguration, President Bill Clinton went to the Washington
Monument
and asked the ghost of  George Washington and asked him, "What do I Have to do
to be
famous"?
The ghost of Washington replied "Don't tell a lie"

Then Bill Clinton  went to Grant's Tomb and asked the ghost of Ulysees S.
Grant
""What do
I Have to do to be famous"?  The ghost of Grant replied  " Have a strong
military"!!!

Then Bill Clinton went to the Lincoln Memorial and asked the ghost of Abraham
Lincoln
"What do I Have to do to be famous"?  The ghost of Lincoln replied "GO TO THE
THEATER"


Gordon Ho
gho@ UUNET.UU.NET
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 8 Feb 1994 09:17:00 GMT+0800
From:         "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sensitive to religion, bad language and taste

Sorry but the first joke might be 'nun' to funny to those of a
religious frame of mind. The second joke gives Genesis a hard
time and contains language that may cause offence.

A bunch of nuns had been out doing good things all day and on
returning to the convent decided that a good bath was called for.
Being confirmed environmentalists the nuns bathed in a large bath
communially to save water, etc. They all dived into the water and
girls being girls there was a lot of splashing, laughter and
general innocent fun. However, one nun, Mary, sat alone in a
corner with only her head showing and with a smile of ectasy on
her face. After a while one of the nuns decides that its time to
get properly clean in readiness for prayers. She searches in vain
along the edges of the bath for the soap. She then starts a
search in the bath around her but still cannot find the soap. She
then calls out "Where's the soap?" Mary still in private ectasy
forgets herself, raises her hand out of the water clutching the
soap, and moans "Yes it does, doesn't it?"

No hints. Work it out for yourself.

------------

On the subject of the origin of the word 'fuck' as a long time
computer user I'm a confirmed believer of never reading the
manual/dictionary. I had always assumed that the word came from
the origins of time:


And God made Adam and saw that this was good.

And God put Adam into the Garden of Eden and Adam saw that this
was good.

Adam said to God that he was lonely as all the animals on the
land and all the fishes in the sea were lousy conversationalists.

And God made woman and called here Eve.

And God put Eve in the Garden of Eden with Adam and thought that
they made a nice middle class couple.

And lo whilst God had his back turned to create the Klingons the
devil, disguised as a snake, whispered into Eve's ear that he
knew of a place where apples were going for half-price!

And Adam and Eve ate of the apples and realised that conversation
and surfing on the internet had their limits as fun devices and
they fell to the ground behind a bush to fornicate.

And God turned back towards Eden to ask Adam's advice on the
colour of Martians and he saw Adam and Eve behind the bush.

And God said "What the fuck are they doing?"



This predates any dictionary.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 7 Feb 1994 21:05:10 -0500
From:         Mike Ogilvie <[e-mail]>
Subject:      HILARIOUS story!

Three couples died in a bus wreck and went up to St. Peter to await
their assignment for life-eternal.  When it was their turn, St. Peter
explained to them that things were getting pretty tight up in heaven,
so they have had to make stricter requirements for spirits to pass
through the pearly gates.

To Couple #1: "I'm sorry, Mr. Warren, but I won't be able to allow you
inside.  All you've ever cared about in life is money.  You even
married a girl named Penny."   Couple #1 turns away dejectedly.

To Couple #2: "I hate to do this, but you as well will not be allowed
to pass the gates.  All you've ever cared about in your life is food.
You even married a girl named Candy!"  The second couple leaves.

The third man turns to his wife and says, "Well, we might as well
leave, Fanny."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three couples decided to get together after not seeing each other
for years and years.  They used to be the best of friends and loved
nothing more than outdoing the others in anything and everything.

They met for dinner one night at a fancy restaurant.  The first couple
was rather refined and had been schooled in the proper way all their
lives.  The second couple was good and decent but were not the cream
of the crop like the first couple.  And the last couple were crude and
rude and could care less about social graces (I tend to think of this
as Roseanne and her husband from the show).  Anyway, during the course
of dinner, the first husband turned to his wife and asked "Could you
please pass the sugar, Sugar?"  Not wanting to be outdone, sometime
later in the night, the second husband politely asked his wife,
"Won't you pass me the honey, Honey?"  Now after plenty of
not-so-subtle cues from his wife, the third husband turned to her
and said "Pass the pork, Pig!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 7 Feb 1994 20:27:43 CST
From:         Jim RASMUSSEN <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Offensive to Bears and Women

     This must be spoken, so memorize it, and try it after you've had a few
     too many beers.

     The setting: Baraboo, Wisconsin (home of the Circus World Museum)

     The story:

     This big black bear busts out of Barnam & Bailey's Bigtop and bounces
     on into a Bar in Baraboo.
     The bear bellies up to the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a bottle
     of beer."

     The bartender says, 'Sorry Sir, the City says "It's illegal to serve
     beer to bears in Bars in Baraboo."'

     Well, this bear's big and bad, and now he's mad!
     So, the bear bellows, "Bartender, I don't care what the silly City
     says, if you don't give me a bottle of beer, I'm going to eat every
     customer here."

     And, the bartender says, 'Sorry Sir, the City says "It's illegal to
     serve beer to bears in Bars in Baraboo," and that means you!'

     Well, the bear goes berserk, bolts to the end of the Bar, devours this
     large intoxicated lady, belches loudly, and barks "Bartender, if you
     don't give me a bottle of brew, the next person I eat is going to be
     you!"

     Well, the bartender looks the bear right in eyes, and calmly replies,
     'Sorry Sir, the City says "It's illegal to serve beer to bears in Bars
     in Baraboo," and besides bear, I am quite safe and my customers too.
     In fact bear, soon you will become very sleepy, you will doze off, and
     I will call the boy's in blue, to take you to the zoo."

     "Oh really", says the bear with a yawn, "And why is that?"

     "Because bear, that was no drunk lady you swallowed,
      that was a big Bar bitch you ate!"
                    (b a r b i t u a t e)
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 7 Feb 1994 21:34:47 -0500
From:         Katy Sweeny <[e-mail]>
Subject:      retraction

What do you called a guy in his alte forties, early fifties who keeps buying
lots of luxurious American cars?

A man with a mid-life Chrysler.
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 7 Feb 1994 22:05:45 EST
From:         Sim Webster <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Humor: Things not to say or do at your thesis defense (part 1 of
              6)

148 THINGS (NOT) TO DO OR SAY AT OR FOR YOUR THESIS DEFENSE

Written by Master Peter Dutton
contributions by Jim Lalopoulos, Alison Berube, and Jeff Cohen,
Patricia Whitson and a few others.

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National
  Anthem..."
2) Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.
3) "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question.
4) Describe parts of your thesis using interpretive dance.
5) "Musical accompaniment provided by..."
6) Stage your own death/suicide.
7) Lead the specators in a Wave.
8) Have a sing-a-long.
9) "You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?"
10) "Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and
   concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin..."
11) Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors
   from sitting in.
12) Puppet show.
13) Group prayer.
14) Animal sacrifice to the god of the Underworld.
15) Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc.
16) "I'm sorry, I can't hear you - there's a banana in my ear!"
17) Imitate Groucho Marx.
18) Mime.
19) Hold a Tupperware party.
20) Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads.
21) "Everybody rhumba!!"
22) "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..."
23) Charge a cover and check for ID.
24) "In protest of our government's systematic and brutal opression of
   minorities..."
25) "Anybody else as drunk as I am?"
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 7 Feb 1994 23:06:34 EST
From:         John Beck <[e-mail]>
Subject:      nun joke/slightly offensive

Thse two nuns were talking in the convent.  One nun whispered to the
other, "Did you hear that there is a case of syphilis going around?"

The other nun replied, "Oh, good!  I was getting a little tired of the
Chablis!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 7 Feb 1994 23:53:04 EST
From:         Bryan Pack <[e-mail]>
Subject:      a crude bear joke

a bear and a rabbit find themselves side by side in the woods, taking a
dump.  the bear turns to the rabbit and says, "say, do you ever have
trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"  the rabbit says, "why, no, i
don't."

so the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his tail with him.

(i'm not proud...)
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 8 Feb 1994 00:44:33 -0500
From:         Christine Schoedel <[e-mail]>
Subject:      offensive to men

        Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds?
        A: Government bonds mature.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 8 Feb 1994 02:07:59 EST
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      some engagement humor

Father to daughter's suitor: So you want to marry Betty Sue, huh? You should
know, I've had a hard time keeping that girl in clothes.
Suitor: Yeah, I know what you mean. So have I. :-)


Daddy, Charlie asked me to marry him, but I told him I couldn't leave Mama.
That's okay, honey. Take her with you.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 8 Feb 1994 05:58:52 -0700
From:         Robyn Brillman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Actor jokes

I was wondering if anyone out there has jokes about actors, or theatres.  If
you do please respond to me privately at [e-mail] or
[e-mail]

Thanks!

Robyn Brillman
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 8 Feb 1994 13:41:00 GMT
From:         "Matt Diss (matd)" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Monks & Michael Jackson

Hi all,

A first posting - hope it's correct!!!

This joke is probably VERY old but I'd never heard it -

A man decides to become a monk, and takes a vow which only allows him to say
2 words every 5 years.
After 5 years of silence in the monastery it comes the time when the monk is
allowed to say his 2 words.
"Have you anything to say?" asks the priest.
"Hard Bed" says the monk.
The preist replies "I'm sorry to hear that, we'll try and do something about
it."
5 long years pass......
"Have you anything to say?" asks the priest.
"Bad Food." answers the monk.
"We'll try and do something about that." says the preist.

Another 5 years.......
"Have you anything to say" asks the priest.
"I'M LEAVING" says the monk.
The priest replies "Thank god for that, you've done nothing but complain
since you got here!"


What have Michael Jackson and a bottle of whisky got in common?


They both come in tiny tots.



Keep up the jokes.


[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 7 Feb 1994 14:17:22 -0500
From:         "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto,
              CA" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Clean joke (yes, I do know one clean joke)

Lenny has fallen in love with a young lady and wants to start
courting. Before the couple can spend any time together, however,
her parents insist on meeting the young man to see if he is
worthy of their daughter. Lenny therefore recruits his best
friend, Sol, to accompany him to the interview, where he hopes
that his friend's natural outspoken nature will help to boost
Lenny's chances. The interview starts off well, with the
parents asking whether Lenny can drive.

"Yes. I passed my test a few years ago, and was able to buy an
old car for myself."

"Old car!" exclaims Sol. "He drives an antique Rolls Royce that's
the envy of the neighbourhood!"

The parents nod sagely and ask Lenny where he lives. "I live quite
near here," he replies. "I have a nice home next to my parents."

"Nice home!" laughs Sol. "He's so modest - he owns a beautiful
five-bedroom mansion in Greenwich village!"

Next the parents want to know where Lenny works, and about his
prospects. "I have a steady job at a lawfirm," he replies, "and have
become good friends with the partners".

Again Sol jumps in. "He's a principal attourney, and due to
become partner in a few months!"

At this point Lenny coughs a little to clear his throat and the
parents ask whether he is well. "I just have a slight cold" he answers.

"Cold? It's tuberculosis!"

Jeff F.         All these 'unsubscribers' bring to mind a gang of novice
                cyclists venturing out onto the info superhighway. At
                least its only their prestige that gets flattened by
                the trucks. Less messy that way.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 8 Feb 1994 09:07:00 EST
From:         Frank Patnaude <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Buffalo Bills

    Do you know why the Buffalo Bills are served cereal on a plate?
    They are afraid if they put them in a bowl, they might all choke!
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 8 Feb 1994 10:30:40 EST
From:         Jon Back <[e-mail]>
Subject:      OFFENSIVE TO NATIVE ALABAMANs (but, then again, it could be
              Arkansas, or Texas, or YOUR state)

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A NATIVE OF ALABAMA IF......

1.  Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take the
    wheels off.
2.  You've ever used lard in bed.
3.  You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d'oeuvre.
4.  You think a six pack of beer and a bug zapper are quality entertainment.
5.  Less than half the cars you own run.
6.  Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the
    State Trooper to "kiss her ass."
7.  The primary color of your car is "BOND-O."
8.  Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
9.  You honest-to-God think that women are turned on by animal noises and
    tongue gestures.
10. Your family tree doesn't fork.
11. Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
12. You've ever hollered "rock the house, Bubba" during a piano recital.
13. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
14. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
15. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
16. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
17. The diplomas hanging in your den include "The Trucking Institute."
18. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
19. You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
20. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
21. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
22. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening
    on the grease rack.
23. You've ever been too drunk to fish.
24. You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
25. You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
26. You use a rag for a gas cap.
27. Your lifetime goal is to be an AMWAY distributor.
28. Your front porch falls and kills more than three dogs.
29. You've ever won a spitting contest.
30. You answer more than half the questions asked you with "Do What?"
31. You've actually created new meaning for the term "Stump Broke."
32. Your wife has better tatoos than you do.
33. Arriving home from vacation, you suffer from tractor lag.

Remember, if you understood more than half of these, you just might be
a Red Neck yourself!
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 8 Feb 1994 16:37:32 MET
From:         Miroslav Otrisal <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Searching mail-friend (dirty word in objoke)

1. Those two guys were walking and the middle one fell down in a sewer.

2. My sister has this inscription in her bedrom "Why to love only men,
when  there  are many other animals in the world" and I will soon bite
her in the ass, if she will be every morning in the bathroom so long!
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 8 Feb 1994 10:29:03 CST
From:         Chris DOERFLER <[e-mail]>
Subject:      (1) newlyweds (2) Pope        (Nothing offencive)

    A couple of newlyweds spent their first few months living together in
bliss,
as one might expect, doing the kinds of things newlyweds do. There was just
one
small problem. The new wife had a bad habit of saying "Just a sec" every time
her husband made any request of her." "Let's go to the movies, hon." "Just a
sec." "Could you help me clean the house?" "Just a sec." And so on. Now this
annoying little habit caused the new husband untold irritation, and eventually
he cracked. One day, she said "Just a sec" and instead of biting his tongue he
screamed at her.
   "NO! NO! NO MORE SECS! NO MORE SECS!"
   After a slight pause, he realized what he had said, and quickly added:
   "Well, maybe just a little more..."

__________________________________________________________________________

   The Pope was being driven around in the back of a limo the last time he
visited America when suddenly he felt the urge to drive a car, something he
had
never done.  The driver was reluctant, the Pope having no license and all, but
he was the Pope, after all.  So Pope and driver switch places, and the Pope
proceeds to weave, start and stop erratically, and generally create a
considerable hazard, which leads to his being pulled over.
   The Policeman says, "Get out of the car and show me your license." The Pope
explains that he has no license, but that he is the Pope, and wouldn't it be
nice of the good officer to let him off?  The officer thinks a moment and says
he needs to call this one in. Back in his car, he gets on the radio and asks
for

the chief.
   "Chief," he says, "I got a problem here and I don't know what to do. I've
got

this limo pulled over, and I oughta arrest the driver and impound the vehicle,
but there's somebody really important involved."
   "Who is it? The mayor?" asks the Chief.
   "More important than that..." replies the officer.
   "The governor, then?"
   "Uhh, no, sir, even more important than that..."
   "Well come on man, who is it? Is it ... the President?" demands the Chief.
   "Even more important than the President, sir. Let me put it to you this
way:
    The Pope's his driver..."
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 8 Feb 1994 11:33:00 EST
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: ecclesiastics!  drunken nun & one swear word

a nun goes into a liquor store and orders a pint of whiskey.
the guy behind the counter says, "gee, sister, i don't really think i should
sell you this.  it's pretty strong stuff."
the nun says, "oh, that's alright.  it's for medicinal purposes only."
the guy relents and sells her the pint.
about 1/2 hour later, the nun is back, and a little wobbly, and wants
another pint.
the guy challenges her with, "now sister, i can see you've drunk the first
pint i sold you.  are you SURE this is for medicinal purposes?"
she says, "oh, yesh.  it mosht sher-tun-lee izzz."
so he sells her another pint, and she leaves.
another 1/2 hour goes by, and, sure enough, she's back.  *this* time,
though, she's REALLY tipsy, and can hardly stagger to the counter.
"i'd li(hic)ke another whisk of that pintey, pleash."
well, our friendly counterman is now fairly outraged, and says, "sister!  i
KNOW you are drinking this whiskey!  how can you DARE say that it's only for
medicinal purposes?!?!?!"
the nun explains, "well, shee, the mother shuper(hic)ior is constipated, and
when she sees me, she'll just *shit*!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 8 Feb 1994 11:39:03 -0500
From:         Elizabeth Bolyard <[e-mail]>
Subject:      may be offensive to married crossdressers...

 a young newlywed was feeling amorous, so she decided to go home and surprise
her husband...she walked into their bedroom...looked at him and said "dear,
take off my shoes..."...he took off her shoes...she said "dear, take off my
blouse..."...he took off her blouse...she said "dear, take off my
skirt..."...he took off her skirt...she said "dear...take off my bra..." he
took off her bra...she said "dear, take off my panties..."...and again, he
obliged and took them off...then, she looked at him and said "and don't ever
let me catch you wearing my clothes again!!!
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 8 Feb 1994 12:02:06 EST
From:         "William W. Cook" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Tonya Harding (very corny)

Have you heard that there is a new legal defense fund to call to donate money
for Tonya Harding?  The number is 800-#*#*

(Hint: # = pound, * = star)
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 8 Feb 1994 12:15:55 EST
From:         Bryan Pack <[e-mail]>

here's some more jokes: a tonya harding joke, a courtship joke, and two
filthy nun jokes.  the first ones are G-rated, but the nun jokes ain't

-----------------

   Q: what's tonya harding's favorite beverage?
   A: Canadian Club on ice

-----------------

there once was this guy who lost his left eye in a childhood accident.  his
family had little money and no insurance, so the best they could manage to
buy him was a polished wooden artificial eye, as opposed to a glass one.
the inferior quality of the eye was more than a little obvious, and as he
grew up, he became a very self-conscious person, shunning most social
contact.

however, one day as he was walking down the street, holding his head down
as was his custom, he accidently bumped into a young woman.  as he
stammered an apology, he looked up into a most beautiful face.  she was
perfect... well, except for an abnormally large nose.  it didn't really
matter to the man.  her beauty moved him, and for the first time in his life,
he forgot about his defective wooden eye.  he asked her out on a date,
there and then.  she said yes.

they continued dating for quite a while.  they fell deeply in love, and were
very happy together.  (although, they did catch people's eyes, what with her
very large nose and his eye made of wood)

the day finally arrived when the man summoned up the courage to ask the
woman to be his wife.  he knelt down before her, looked into her eyes,
and said, "would you marry me?"

thrilled to no end, she sighed, "oh, would i! would i!"

he jumped up and sharply replied, "big nose! big nose!"

==============================================================
====== THE FOLLOWING JOKES ARE DIRTY, FILTHY, NUN JOKES ======
======       STOP HERE IF YOU WILL BE OFFENDED          ======
==============================================================










the mother superior visits the local farmer's market.  she walks up to one
vendor and says, "i'd like to get 120 bananas for the sisters back at the
convent."

"sister," he replies, "for an order that large, i'm gonna hafta sell you a
gross of bananas instead of splitting it up."

"how many would that be?" she asks.

"144 bananas," he replies.

"well," she says, "i guess we could just EAT the other 24..."

-----------------

two nuns are walking down a dark street, when they are suddenly jumped by
two men who attack them and start raping them.

the first nun looks up to heaven and prays, "forgive them, father, for they
know not what they do..."

the second one looks up and says, "THIS one does..."

-----------------

*BONUS JOKE*  re:rednecks, ark natives...

Redneck foreplay:  "You awake, sis'?"

too much pepsi,
bryan             :)
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 8 Feb 1994 12:32:57 -0400
From:         Victoria L Hill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      beer

       Fifteen Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Men

1. You can have more than one beer at a time
2. You can get the size beer you want, even a long neck
3. A beer won't give you whisker burns
4. You can suck on one beer all night long if you want
5. A beer doesn't have to be hard to be good
6. You don't have to finish a beer in 2 minutes; you can take as long as
   you want
7. A beer doesn't expect you to be true while it runs around
8. A beer satisfies you every time
9. A beer is always there when you want it
10. If you pour a beer correctly, you can have as big of a head as you want
11. It takes a long time for a beer to go flat
12. Even when you pop your's beer top, you can still have a long stiff one
13. Beers don't expect you to be faithful and never ask,"is there another
    beer?"
14. You can have a quick beer on your lunch hour
15. If you want to change beer, you don't have to get a lawyer.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 8 Feb 1994 11:53:40 -0600
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Wacky church growth ideas

----------------------------------------------------------------------
From:    Ken Stanton <[e-mail]>
Subject: Re: Wacky church growth ideas

Hey everyone!  The following is the outline of a skit I wrote for our
church a couple years back.  In light of what Chris just shared with us, I
felt it might be appropriate.

I hope none are offended by it.  It was written in response to a lot of
the promotional ideas that churches down in California were trying.

This is NOT an attack on any specific church or denomination.  It is meant
to be a satire on an attitude that tends to permeate the church in this
country.

                      Christian Church of Convenience
                          Rev. Luke Warm - Pastor

Why should you attend CCC?  Well, here's just a few reasons:

We are a complete financial institution

     Why let the world make interest on your money?  Direct
     deposit your paycheck to our church. 10% will automatically
     be taken out so you will never have that painful task of
     writing a tithe check.  Plus, other investment capital goes
     to the church, and we even make loans at competitive rates,
     while the interest goes to the Lord's work here at CCC.  By
     the way, in the back of the church we have a list of our
     latest impounded cars and faulted mortgages for sale.

All services scheduled around major sporting events

     Our Superbowl Sunday service includes 2 large screen TVs and
     all the hotdogs you can eat for $5.  We guaranteed that no
     service will preempt the Seattle Seahawks, Mariners or
     SuperSonics games.

Drive through fellowship

     No wasted time!  Confess your sins and bear one another's
     burdens while never having to leave your car. A fellowship
     attendant on duty 24 hours a day.

Youth group valet parking and vehicle detailing while you worship

     Why not take advantage of the little monsters, and have them
     make money too?  They don't like church anyway, right?  For
     a nominal fee they will park, guard and completely detail
     your car while you enjoy our entertaining service.

Children's ministry/video arcade

     We have a complete video arcade for the children's ministry.
     Here, your kids can master the joystick, know the latest
     dungeon games, and will be glassy-eyed and numb when you
     pick them up...just the way you like them.

Guaranteed non-convicting message

     You will be guaranteed in writing that the sermon you hear
     will not convict nor offend you regardless of your spiritual
     state or sensitivity to the Holy Spirit.  Yes, we will do
     everything in our power that you will walk away from our
     service feeling good about yourself and feeling justified in
     the carnal indulgences you partake in.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 8 Feb 1994 13:07:00 EST
From:         Danielle Mainiero <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bill Clinton Statue

                       BILL CLINTON STATUE COMMITTEE
                           1040 Buffoon Street
                        Little Rock, Arkansas 72205

October 27, 1992

Mr. & Ms. Clueless Clinton Supporter
666 Blindsmans Bluff Rd.
La-La Land, U.S.A.

Dear Clueless;

We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for raising
five million dollars, for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall
of Fame in Washington, D.C.  The committee has been in a quandary as
to where to place the statue.  It would not be wise to place it beside
the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, nor beside
Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never
tell the difference.  We finally decided to place it next to Christopher
Columbus, the greatest Democrat of all.  He left not knowing where he
was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where
he had been, and did it all on borrowed money.

Over 5000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your
shovels, mount your asses and camels and I will lead you to the Promised
Land."  Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and
light up a camel, this is the Promised Land."

Now Bill Clinton is going to steal your shovel, kick your ass, raise the
taxes on camels and mortgage the Promised Land.  If you are one of the
fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we expect a
generous contribution to our worth while project.

Respectfully,

Bill Clinton Statue Committee
P.S.  It is said Bill is considering changing the Democratic Party Emblem
from a donkey to a condom because it stands for inflation, protects a
bunch of pricks, halts production and gives a false sense of security
while being screwed.


--hope you find this funny....I do

if anyone out there has any other democrat or Bill Clinton jokes
please send them

Dani-Jo
[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 8 Feb 1994 14:28:07 EST
From:         "William W. Cook" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Dave Barry's Year In Review

The following items were taken from a newspaper column called Dave Barry's
Year In Review:

February 12--Keeping a campaign promise, President Clinton signs the Family
Leave Bill, granting employees who have new babies the legal right to leave
their families and come to work to get some sleep.

March 4--In Ohio, a 15 year-old boy sues for the right to leave his parents
and live with Michele Pfeiffer.

March 20--Scientists for the Tobacco Institute, citing a 17-year study,
release a report stating that there is "absolutely no scientific evidence"
that people buy cigarettes with the intention of actually smoking them.

June 29--NBC, after a lengthy search for a wacky and zany replacement for
David Letterman, announces that it has settled on Ross Perot

September 16--The reinvention of the federal government continues apace as
President Clinton signs an order that would eliminate the 250,000 jobs
currently held by federal employees that are legally dead.

September 18--President clinton rescinds his order under pressure from the
powerful Deceased Federal Employees Union.

December 15--A school board in Georgia votes to ban the alphabet after
concerned parents point out that it can be used to spell "Satan" as well as
"penis".


_____________________________

IMHO, every humor-lover on this list should buy all of Dave Barry's books. A
good one to start with is _Dave Barry's Greatest Hits_, a collection of his
best syndicated newspaper columns.  Hope you like them as much as I
have.......
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 8 Feb 1994 15:11:28 -0500
From:         Martha Stanley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Two signs on one building

I swear there is a business in a tiny burg of Northwest Florida that
advertises "funeral vaults and septic tanks."  Ya gotta wonder....M)

=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 7 Feb 1994 19:41:06 -0500
From:         Jack Williams <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Tonya Harding

ON THIN ICE WITH TONYA
c 2/2/94 by Jack H. Williams

Ready to skate with Tonya?  Just grab
your brass knuckles and a good defense attorney.

Jeff Ghoully, Tonya Harding's ex-husband twice-removed, reportedly told the
FBI that Tonya's bodyguard, Shawn Eckardt, had acted alone in planning the
attack on Nancy Kerrigan.  "Obviously Shawn misunderstood when he overheard me
telling Tonya to go out and break a leg"!  Shawn, who previously worked for
the CIA as a doorstop, has also been arrested.  Tonya, in a rare statement to
the press, substantiated Jeff's allegation, but denied ever referring to Shawn
as a tree stump.  "This is another example of the press intentionally
misquoting me.  I simply stated that we hired Shawn because he was
trustworthy, loyal and had the IQ of a tree stump."  Tonya went on to severely
criticize the media for what she considers to be an attempt to smear her
reputation.  "Reports that I have been in trouble with the law are complete
fabrications by the press and are very unfair not only to myself, but also to
my family, my fans and my parole officer!"  Meanwhile, Jeff and Shawn have met
with their defense attorneys to discuss their pleas to the charges and to
determine which TV network has made the best offer for their stories

Recently, the International Committee of the U.S. Figure Skating Association
met to decide what actions to take in regard to Tonya Harding's participation
on the U.S. Olympic Skating Team.  An official of the committee, who requested
anonymity and a new Pontiac Bonneville, has revealed some of the
behind-the-scenes activities of the committee.

One option considered, was the placement of Tonya on the U.S. Olympic Hockey
Team.  It was noted that Tonya would fit right in with this type of sport, but
the option was rejected after some heated debate.  Several members felt that
putting Tonya on the Mens' hockey team might send the wrong message -
particularly if she injured too many of her  teammates.  The committee also
rejected another suggestion that Tonya be barred from Olympic competition, but
still be allowed to make commercials for Midas Muffler.

A considerable amount of discussion of the current situation led the committee
to the realization that they would have to remove Tonya from the olympic team.
The talks then turned to the appointment of a suitable replacement.  It was
noted that any replacement would only be acceptable to the American public if
the appointee met certain stringent requirements:

*  has no criminal record
*  gets along well with the media
*  has a good sense of fair play
*  has a law degree

The committee, with due  consideration of all these criteria, entertained many
suggestions before making their final decision.  They then voted unanimously
to appoint retired Admiral Bobby Inman.   He met all of the criteria and the
committee knew he was available as he had just recently withdrawn himself from
nomination for Secretary of Defense.  While one member correctly pointed out
that the retired Admiral is not the same gender as the rest of the members of
the Womens' Olympic team, the committee felt that this would not be a problem
as long as Bobby was able to successfully execute a
three-and-a-half-revolution triple axel.

Some members of the committee were at first hesitant about the appointment,
but other members successfully convinced the doubters by pointing out several
important "firsts" that could be established for the U.S. Olympic team:

*  First Olympic team with a former CIA Director.
*  First Olympic team to be co-sponsored by Polident and Ex-Lax.

The committee secretly notified Admiral Inman of their decision and spent
several days conferring with him before it was revealed that he had forgotten
to pay social security taxes for his housekeeper over the last 27 years.  The
CIA is currently investigating the matter while the U.S. Olympic committee
works feverishly to get in touch with their second choice for the team -
Michael Jackson.

=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 8 Feb 1994 15:49:11 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Humor: 3 Questions & Answers about nuts < mildly rude>

What do you call two nuts on the wall?
Walnuts

What do you call two nuts on your chest?
Chestnuts

What do you call two nuts on your chin?
A blow job.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 8 Feb 1994 16:05:24 -0400
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to
              be what I am now." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Those darned Radio Shack employees.....

I will not perpetuate the a 'friend-of-a-friend' did this myth.  It was
  actually a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend.  ;>
        -       -       -       -       -       -       -       -
        Do these guys at Radio Shack ever get on your nerves, asking you
for a bunch of personal data when you're just there to buy something as
simple as a couple AA batteries? I think we should inconvenience these
people as much as they do us. A while ago I was in Enid buying a printer
cable adaptor and the guy asked me for my name.

        "Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-johnson" I replied
        (blank look of confusion)
        "How do you spell that?" he asked, obviously not wanting to know.
        "With a hyphen" I clarified
        "Once more?" he asked
        "Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-johnson"
        "Could you please spell that?" he asked, glancing at the half dozen
people waiting behind me.
        "Oh... just like it sounds." I said nonchalantly.
        Putting down "Johnson", he went on and asked about the address.
        "Washburn, Wisconsin, 14701 N.E. Wachatanoobee Parkway, Complex 3,
Building O, Appt. 1382b" I replied.
        Almost through writing all this down, I said "Or did you mean
current address?"
        Stoping, he said (becoming irritated) "Yes. Current address."
        "Diluthian Heights, Mississippi, 1372 S. Tinatonabee Avenue,
Building 14C, Suite 2, Box 138201." I replied quite slowly.
        Waiting until he finished I said "No, wait, it's NORTH Tinatonabee
Avenue." Annoyed, he backed up and changed it.
        "I think." I interjected.
        "And is all this correct?" he asked in a standard manner.
        "Of course not." I replied, leaving, "If you want my REAL name and
address, look at the damned credit card receipt."
        A little mean, I must admit, but no jury would convict me... At least,
none that had been to Radio Shack.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 8 Feb 1994 19:09:27 -0500
From:         Hilde Horvath <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Offensive to W. Virginians & others

If a couple from West Virginia get a divorce, are they still brother and
sister?

Billy Joe and Mary Sue were going to get married.  On their wedding day, Mary
Sue said, "I have to tell you something, Billy Joe."  He said, "tell me
later."

They were in front of the justice of the peace, and Mary Sue insisted she had
to tell him something before they got married.  Billy Joe says, "All right,
what is it?"  She told him that she was a virgin.  So Billy Joe walks out on
the ceremony.  When he gets home, his father says, "I thought you were
marrying Mary Sue today!  What happened?"  Billy Joe told him what happened,
that she said she was a virgin, so he had up and walked out.  The father
thought about it for a few minutes and told his son, " You done right, boy.
If she ain't good enough for her family, she ain't good enough for ours."

A man had a wooden eye and he was very self-conscious about it.  A friend of
his told him that it was no good to just stay shut up and that he should go to
a dance and meet people.  Being very shy he just sat in a corner.  Finally, he
got up enough nerve to ask a girl for a dance.  He noticed a girl with a hare
lip and figured that she must be in the same predicament as he.  So when he
asked this girl to dance, she said, "Oh, boy, would I!"  So he said,
"hare-lip,
hare-lip, hare-lip."

Enough of my husband's jokes for one day.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 8 Feb 1994 18:32:58 -0600
From:         Siddharth Taparia <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bobbit....

One female very easily cuts off a man's sexual organ, and throws it
in the garden and goddamit she is not even caught for littering...
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 8 Feb 1994 18:42:06 -0600
From:         "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Top Ten List for 2/7/94

---> February 7, 1994 <---

===============================
Top Ten Rejected Olympic Sports
===============================

**To assist in this Top Ten List, Dave had Paula Zahn and Harry Smith from
"CBS
  This Morning", playing a cello and tuba, respectively, after each entry.**

10. Pantsless Ski Jump
 9. Synchronized Hockey
 8. Four-man Zamboni
 7. Racketeering
 6. Bobsled with Bob Barker, Bob Eubanks and Bob Hope
 5. Really Drunk Luge
 4. Lead Pipe Free-For-All
 3. Bare-Assed Slalom
 2. Bobbittsledding
 1. Freestyle Gillooly

=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 8 Feb 1994 16:17:00 CST
From:         Karla Kay Hangsleben <[e-mail]>
Subject:      death and money

A man dies suddenly.  His wife has him cremated.  The man leaves alot of money
to his wife.  They had not had a happy marriage, she never seemed to get what
she wanted and neither did he.  So after he was cremated the funeral director
asked her if she wanted the ashes.  Of course she did but she wanted to
prepare the proper place for him at home.  She leaves the funeral home.  After
the usual "mourning" period she decides to return to the funeral home and
pick up her dearly departed husband.  She places his urn in the front seat of
her car and says "See this car Henry, this beautiful new Mercedes.  I bought
it with your money since you would never by it for me."  She drives home and
walks into the house.  She says "See this beautiful home Henry, totally new,
everything new.  All the furniture, all carpets the whole house all new.  I
bought this with your money too, since you would never buy it for me."  She
then carefully spreads Henry's ashes on the kitchen table and says "Get ready
Henry I have something for you the I would never give you either."  SHe takes
a deep breath and blows his ashes everywhere. She then states "See there was
that blow job you always wanted!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 8 Feb 1994 15:06:53 PST
From:         Dave Clough <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Non-offensive

Q: What's the difference between a duck?
A: One leg is both the same.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Feb 1994 09:57:00 GMT+0800
From:         "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Jokes about Jesus - definitely not for the religiouly sensitive

Peter and JC were sat at the Pearly Gates one day having a beer
during a quiet period. JC turns to Peter and says "Do you know
it's been ages since I've had a woman and I'm definitely feeling
a bit randy!"
Peter replies "Yeh, it must be over nineteen hundred years since
you last got laid, isn't it? Let me think. Mary Magdonald...
Magnet... or something was the last one you got your leg over I
recollect. Must admit it's been quite some time since I had a
woman."
JC asks "Well, as it's a quiet day how about a quick trip down to
Earth and we'll find ourselves a couple of women?"
Peter agrees and after dressing for the 20th century they zip
down to Earth.
Sitting at a singles bar over a beer-chaser each JC and Peter
start chatting up a couple of good-looking women. After a while
Peter turns to JC and says "Mine wants to take me back to her
place. I think I'm in here."
JC replies that his has similar intentions. So they agree to go
their separate ways but to meet at the corner of the block at
sunrise.
Peter returns to the corner at sunrise to find JC sat on the kerb
looking dejected. Peter says "Boy! What a night! There was no
stopping her once she got going. What a great body and could she
use it. Do I feel good!. So how did it go with yours then?"
JC looks up and groans "Terrible. Absolutely bloody terrible"
"Why?" asks Peter.
"Well," says JC "we get back to her place and have a couple of
drinks, the lights are low and there some sexy music playing.
Soon we're fondling one another and after a while decide to get
comfortable on the bed."
"Sounds great, so what was the problem."
JC answers, "Well we both took our clothes off and climbed onto
the bed and carried on with our fondling and we were both now
very excited."
"Great! So?"
"Well," says JC "as soon as I touched her vagina the bloody thing
healed up!"


While I'm on the subject another JC joke.

A few days after the crucifixon Simon and Peter are fishing on
the lake. After a while Simon notices that there's someone waving
at them from the shore. Simon points this out to Peter, who says
"Hey! You know if JC hadn't just been crucified I'd swear that
was him."
Simon agrees and to satisfy their curiosity they allow their boat
to drift towards the shore. After a while Simon says "Well bugger
me! That is JC!"
Peter agrees and shouts "Hey JC. What a great surprise! Come on,
come over."
Indeed it is JC on the shore and after giving a final wave JC
begins to walk towards the boat across the surface of the lake.
However, after a few minutes JC stops and looks at his ankles,
which are now underwater. With a shrug JC continues but stops
again after a few moments when he realises that the water is upto
his knees. JC struggles on but the water level keeps rising. By
the time it reaches his chest Simon and Peter realise that JC is
in trouble. "Jesus!" says Peter "The bugger will drown!"
Simon and Peter row their boat quickly over to JC and reach him
just as JC's head disappears under the waves. They pull him onto
the bought where he gasps in amazement, "I don't understand it. I
didn't have any problem walking on the water before."
"Ah!" said Peter "but you didn't have bloody great holes in your
feet then, did you?"

From sunny Hong Kong "Kung Hei Fat Choi" for the Chinese New Year
and thanks for all of the jokes.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 8 Feb 1994 22:27:08 EST
From:         Nic van der Vyver <[e-mail]>
Subject:      adult theme (risque)

As is/was well known the gods of old, Greek/Roman/Norse, did have their
"human" weaknesses, and this included partying and what goes with that
and with Baccus' (he who blesses the fruit of the vinyard) refreshments.

Anyway, on this Friday night the whole lot were really doing their thing
there on top of Mount Olympus, this occasion hosted by the Greek gods.
Things went really wild through to the early hours of the morning.
Finally however, quiet descended as the whole lot eventually passed out
in sleep  -   nothing cleared up, bodies all over the place!

Yet, the gods never fail their godly habits, and despite lack of sleep,
the first to rise again was THOR, the god of THUNDER!  ....and as he
unfailingly does every morning, he walked out into the first rays of
the rising sun, faced the sun, struck mighty blows with his fists on his
huge chest and roared, "I'M THO-O-O-O-RR!"

At this one of the sexy Valkyrie (beautiful Norse maiden they are) happened
to come walking out right behind him and said, "YOU'RE Thor', I'M tho thor
I can hardly pith!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 8 Feb 1994 23:34:55 -0500
From:         Christine Schoedel <[e-mail]>
Subject:      offensive to men

        Q:  What did God say after He created man?
        A:  "I can do better!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 8 Feb 1994 23:45:50 EDT
From:         Dan Hotopp <tron!ami1.bwi.wec.com![e-mail]>
Organization: Antenna/Microwave/Integration WEC
Subject:      G. Westinghouse History and Indian Ingenuity (Corny)

You say Edison was the greatest one of all, but don't forget George
Westinghouse.  Edison was famous for D.C. (direct current) which
incidentally, we named our nation's capitol after.  But Westinghouse was
famous for A.C. and the Westinghouse Electric Co.  So anyway, the descendants
of these two got together and created a band, hence AC/DC.  Thusly, if you
create AC with DC all you get is noise.  So George Westinghouse is famous for
noise.  If you hear any noise, in your car or house or anywhere else, thank
him.
=============================================================================
Three Indian squaws were sitting around the campfire, bragging.  The first
squaw says, "My son is a good hunter!" And to prove it, she points to a
bear hide one her teepee and says, "My son tracked the bear, killed it
and then skinned it and gave me the hide!"

The next squaw says, "My son is an excellent hunter!" And to prove it she
points over to her teepee where a buffalo hide is hanging, and she says,
"My son tracked the buffalo, and not just the weakest one in the herd,
but the strongest one, forced it out of the herd, killed it, skinned it
and then gave the hide to me!"

The third squaw, not to be outdone, says "I myself am as good a hunter as
your two sons put together!" To prove it she points to a hippopotamus
hide on her teepee. "I had to first find a hippopotamus, and you know how
rare they are around here, then kill it (which wasn't easy because
their skins are so tough), then skin it (which took four knives, because
their skins are soooo tough)."

The moral of the story: the squaw of the hippopotamus hide is equal to
the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Feb 1994 09:33:10 -0500
From:         "J. Grady Lacy" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      John Wayne Bobbit and the Bible

In Deuteronomy 23:1 (Authorized King James Version) one sees the
following injuction:

"He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall
not enter into the congregation of the LORD."

It would appear that Mr. Bobbit will have a problem on the "day of
reckoning."
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Feb 1994 10:00:37 -0500
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Bruce W. Evans, 307 Grimsley Hall,
              [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      tonya harding

Q:  What is Tonya Harding's favorite drink?
A:  Canadian Club...on ice
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Feb 1994 09:44:03 -0600
From:         "Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS)" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Top Ten List for 2/8/94

---> February 8, 1994 <---

==========================================================
Top Ten Things Overheard At Ronald Reagan's Birthday Party
==========================================================

10. "Why's Reagan trying to blow out the chandelier?"
 9. "Happy Birthday to...wait stop.  He's wandered off again!"
 8. "...And now president Reagan will use his Playskool phone to call and wish
    himself a Happy Birthday"
 7. "Mommy make me cake!  Cake good"
 6. "More coffee, Quayle!"
 5. "Hey, someone spiked the punch with Grecian Formula"
 4. "Excuse me, I've got to exercise the old 'Trickle-Down Theory', if you
know
    what I mean"
 3. "Quick, hide the cake!  Rush Limbaugh's here!"
 2. "Wow, a Beavis and Butthead T-Shirt!"
 1. "Am I still President?"

Brian Peek
[e-mail]
Owner of the Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List Listserv
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Feb 1994 11:49:30 EST
From:         Bryan Pack <[e-mail]>
Subject:      good grief, oedipus!

man, oh, man, i'm beat... was out too late last night
(went out to see buffalo tom at cat's cradle in chapel hill last night,
 for all you college music fans...)

so, although i'm too tired to think up any jokes today, i thought i'd
leave everyone with the following thought festering in their minds:

would the comic strip "peanuts" be as popular as it has been if snoopy
*didn't* resemble a large female breast?

[think about it, gang... those lovable icons of american popular culture
represent a frightening range of deep seated neuroses:  deep chronic
depression, anxiety, codependency, sublimated libido, delusional behaviors
(in attempts to escape reality), confusion of sexual identities and
androgyny, etc. etc... the institution of the neighborhood lemonaid stand
is replaced with a psychiatric booth in this twisted little world!
this explains a lot about our society, you know...]

there's a graduate or doctorial thesis in this somewhere...
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Feb 1994 12:11:57 -0500
From:         Andrew B Stellman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: UNSUBSCRIBE
Excerpts from mail: 8-Feb-94 Re: UNSUBSCRIBE by Heather [e-mail]
> question:
> what does "com" mean? where are you from

Shhh... I'm sending this to you personally, Heather, so as not to alert
anyone else. This whole "com" thing is a conspiracy, but they didn't
want to be so obvious about it, so they used "com" rather than "con".
All of these newsgroups are secretly watched by the NSA, the FBI, the
ex-KGB, and three different groups of alien invaders: the greys, the
pods, and the Xians. The internet is the breeding ground for all sorts
of thought-control experiments. By subscribing to the HUMOR mailing
list, you subjected yourself to one of the nastiest ones. All of this
recent talk about nuns and priests is meant to destabilize your belief
system, and soon they'll start in on the nasties -- polish jokes, jokes
about sports, jokes about body odor ... and the worst of -- the
knock-knock joke.

Get out while you can!
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Feb 1994 10:00:57 -0800
From:         Guy Rosefelt <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Giving in to Man Bashing (R

                       Subject:                               Time:9:33 AM
  OFFICE MEMO          Giving in to Man Bashing (R)           Date:2/9/94
Since man bashing seems to be the topic of the day, I can throw it out with
the best of them (women of course).  This demonstrates that I am a sensitive
(but straight) male in touch with the women's feelings......

Q:  Why did God give  women nipples?
A:   To make suckers out of men.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Feb 1994 10:02:41 -0800
From:         Larry Richards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Clean - suggestive

What is the difference between dark and hard?
It stays dark all night.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Feb 1994 14:32:04 -0400
From:         Dean Smith <[e-mail]>
Subject:      clean stories

Next time you have a routine doctor's appointment, try this:

When I was 13, I went to the doctor for my annual physcial examination.  When
it came time to "fill the cup," I went into the bathroom.  While in the
bathroom, I filled the cup with apple juice, instead of urine.  I walked out
of
the bathroom and went to return my sample.  There was a nurse waiting for the
cup.  Before handing over the specimen, I commentted that it was very warm in
the room and I was thirsty.  The nurse directed my attention to a water
fountain at the end of the hall.  But, I drank the liquid in the cup.  The
nurse was speechless and the doctor standing behind me turned white.  I was
comvulsed in laughter, but the doctor found no humor in the situation after I
explained what happened.

Also around the same age, My orthodontist constantly critisized me.  I never
did anything properly ( in his opinion) while wearing braces.  So, while in
the
waiting room before an appointment one day, I ate two OREO's.  He through me
out of his office, but I didn't care.  Sweet revenge!!
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Feb 1994 11:35:11 -0800
From:         "Dr. David Lustig" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Tonya Harding/Michael Jackson

Q:  What is the difference between Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding?
A:  Both are guily as hell, but only one will skate!
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Feb 1994 15:37:16 EST
From:         _Hok_L_Joeng <[e-mail]>
Subject:      computer puns(pg-13)

I just overheard this:
        this girl gave a guy, who happens sitting next to me as i'm typing
right now, "here's the key"
        Guy: "What key? Ooo.. for the bottom drawer?"
        Girl: "Yap."
*It's actually a drawer in the lab. Hey, what can they be doing in the labs?

I said the following on monday to my boss:
        "Yo, i'm done UNZIPping"
        Boss: "Aa.. can you not say that in the public?"
* I was unloading backup files which happen to be zipped(compressed).
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Feb 1994 15:24:49 -0500
From:         Bret Jacobsen <[e-mail]>
Subject:      My Dog, Sex

                             My Dog Sex

    Everybody who has a dog calls him "Spot", or "Blackie", or "Fido". I
call mine Sexton.  Over the years that got shortened to "Sex".  Now Sex
has been very embarassing to me.  When I went to city hall to renew his
license, I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex.  He said he'd like
one too.  Then I said this is for a dog, and he said he didn't care what
she looked like.  Then I said you don't understand, I've had Sex since I
was nine years old. He said I must have been quite a kid.  When I got
married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me, and when I
checked into my hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for me and my
wife and a special room for Sex.  He said every room was a special room
for Sex.  I said you don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night, and
he said me too.

    One day I entered a contest, but before the contest began the dog ran
away.  Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking
around, and I told him I was planning to have Sex in the contest.  He
told me I should have sold tickets.  I said you don't undersand, I had
hopes of having Sex on TV.  He called me a showoff.

    When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of
the dog, and I said your honor, I had Sex before I was married, and the
judge said me too.  Then I told him after I got married Sex left me, and
he said me too.  Last night Sex ran off again, and I spent hours looking
for him.  A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at
four o'clock in the morning.  I told him I was looking for Sex.

    My case comes up next Friday.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Feb 1994 16:36:04 EST
From:         Adan Rodriguez <[e-mail]>
Subject:      offensive to lawyer

I recently joyned your list and I am surprise nobody makes lawyer jokes. Maybe
is because everybody knows them all! Anyway here are some...

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawywers?
A: Professional curtesy.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Feb 1994 17:29:44 EST
From:         Sim Webster <[e-mail]>
Subject:     Humor: Things not to say or do at your thesis defense (2 of 6)

148 THINGS (NOT) TO DO OR SAY AT OR FOR YOUR THESIS DEFENSE

Written by Master Peter Dutton
contributions by Jim Lalopoulos, Alison Berube, and Jeff Cohen,
Patricia Whitson and a few others.

26) Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics...
27) Use a Super Soaker to point at people.
28) Surreptitioulsy fill the room with laughing gas.
29) Door prizes and a raffle.
30) "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..."
31) "And now, a word from our sponsor..."
32) Present your entire talk in iambic pentameter.
33) Whine piteously, beg, cry...
34) Switch halfway through your talk to Pig Latin. Or Finnish Pig Latin.
35) The Emperor's New Slides ("only fools can't see the writing...")
36) Table dance (you or an exotic dancer).
37) Fashion show.
38) "Yo, a smooth shout out to my homies..."
39) "I'd like to thank the Academy..."
40) Minstrel show (blackface, etc.).
41) Previews, cartoons, and the Jimmy Fund.
42) Pass the collection basket.
43) Two-drink minimum.
44) Black tie only.
45) "Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a
   Jew walked into a bar..."
46) Incite a revolt.
47) Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building.
48) Release a flock of doves.
49) Defense by proxy.
50) "And now a reading from the Book of Mormon..."
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Feb 1994 18:03:50 EST
From:         Angel Dey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      HUMOR: dirty, nasty ditty from elementary school days

When you're sittin' in your seat and you feel sumpthin' neat -
       -Diarrhea
When you're walkin' down the hall and you feel sumpthin' fall -
       -Diarrhea
When you're sittin' in the school [on a stool] and you feel sumpthin' cool -
       -Diarrhea
It feels kinda funny but it's really hot and runny -
       -Diarrhea
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 9 Feb 1994 19:10:43 -0500
From:         Martha Stanley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Traveling Saleman (clean enough)

        I'd be interested in hearing some of the old classic jokes of the
genre called "traveling saleman"  or "saleswoman" if there are any.
Here's the first in a thread, I hope.  This one is old, old, old to me but
noone else ever seems to know it (till now).
        Seems a traveling saleman needed a place to stay since it was
getting dark and the only place near was a farmhouse.  He walked up to the
front door and knocked.  A farmer opened the door (etc.etc.etc.) and
finally agreed that the salesman could spend the night. BUT the only place to
sleep was in the hay loft.  Well, that was okay with the TS.  AND, "that
is where my daughter sleeps."  Well, that was okay, too.  But, " you have
to promise not to touch her."  Well, he could handle that (bad pun), too.
So, eventually he got to sleep WITHOUT breaking his promise.
        About ten months later he got back into town and while walking
down the street he saw the farmers's daughter carrying a very new baby.
He stopped her and looked at the child.  It was grossly deformed.  The
ears were on the same side of the head, the eyes were cockeyed, the nose
was squashed, etc.  He asked her if the child was his?  Yes, he was told.
Well, how did the child get so deformed?
        Her reply:  Well, you'd be all messed up, too,  if YOU were strained
through a sheet!
------------------------------------------------------------------ 60