Today's pop stars head towards "Where are They Now"

While I'm sure the pop music of yesterday stunk just as much as the pop music of today, at least my generation's artists managed to look different from one another.

No one has ever confused Hall & Oates with Huey Lewis and the News. Sure, they both released an endless supply of similar-sounding, catchy bubblegum drivel, but you never forgot who was who because each group had a distinctive look.

Huey wore cheesy suits with skinny ties, while The News backed him wearing whitebread doo-wop threads. Hall had a bland soul-singer thing going on, and Oates had really bad hair. There's nothing revolutionary in any of that, but if today's pop stars have any hope of lasting for more than an album or two, they could learn a lesson or two from their '80s predecessors.

If you put the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync in a police lineup, I guarantee nobody over the age of 15 could organize the members into their correct groups. It seems likely that even the band members themselves would have a difficult time accomplishing this task, and of course, in some ways it really doesn't matter.

In today's marketplace, one boy band pretty much equals another boy band, and unless you're part of the Tiger Beat generation, the differences are hardly noteworthy. As far as I can tell, 'N Sync has less overtly ugly members, while the Backstreet Boys has a slightly better army of songwriters.

Backstreet has multiple members who have made questionable facial hair choices, and 'N Sync has a guy who looks like "Screech" from Saved By the Bell. Both bands have the nouveau Donnie Wahlberg "hip-hop" member who makes the DJ in the Burger King commercial look hard-edged in comparison, and neither band seems to have learned that wearing matching outfits makes you look like a troop of glam Cub Scouts.

Of course, compared to the current crop of female pop stars, the boy bands are as different as Jesse Jackson and Jesse Helms. Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Mandy Moore and the rest appear as if they all came from the same book of pop-star cutouts.

Sure, one might have longer hair or a shorter skirt, but there's no more difference between any two of them than there is between Astronaut Barbie and Cardiologist Barbie. I'm actually fairly convinced that Spears and Moore are the same person, but the restraining orders prevent me from getting close enough to "either" of them to get a DNA sample.

Luckily, before I manage to sort out any of these stars, most of them will be long forgotten. The cycle of pop celebrity has gotten so short that most of them fade into obscurity before they fall out of favor with the kids, and before non-MTV media even realize it.

"Stars" like Ricky Martin sell millions of records in 10 minutes, become incredibly famous and then quickly fade away. Sure, the "Today" show still thinks he's a big deal, and Madison Ave. will be pumping out "Livin' La Vida Loca" ads for the next three years, but the audience has moved on. It seems likely that this will soon happen for the acts in the boy band/blonde jailbait craze. Expect the inevitable acting projects, creative differences, petty in-fighting and severe drug problems to crop up for most of these groups in the next few months.

On the positive side, the rapid creation and destruction of new groups and artists should give VH1 plenty of fodder for new "Behind the Music" episodes. It's apparently not a very long trip from Backstreet Boy-land to Leif Garrett-ville, and I'm guessing that most of today's acts have non-stop tickets.

Last Updated: 06/01/00
WebMistress: Cathie Walker
Author, Author!: Daniel Kline
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