Despite the warnings, I'm actually quite excited

A shockingly vocal and surprisingly large contingent of men have miserable marriages. I'm basing this on the number of guys who-knowing that I'm heading down the aisle soon-feel justified in telling me just how awful their lives have become since they tied the knot and why I should avoid their fate.

Instead of asking about how I proposed or where we're going on the honeymoon, most married men I meet feel the need to impart a warning. Like a seasoned traveler reminding his naive friend to take Malaria pills before heading off for Africa, these interlopers present their views on matrimony as unquestionable fact.

Listening to these discontented louts, one would think that marriage means a massive decrease in individual freedom coupled with a decided increase in mall visits, ballet attendance and Ally McBeal viewing. It apparently also brings a definite upswing in time spent with her friends and/or family, along with a significant loss of time available to play video games, attend sporting events, hunt for water buffalo or do whatever guy stuff I happen to like.

As the story invariably goes, the man warning me was dating a sweet, giving woman who never made any time demands except perhaps for a few minutes on Christmas and a postcard on her birthday. Until he got married, this fella hung out with his buddies every weekend, went on vacations without telling her and did basically anything short of bedding hookers or moving without leaving her a forwarding address.

During all this pre-marriage abuse and neglect, the loving girlfriend never said anything and the relationship was wonderful. While I'm not sure what she got out of the deal, he received all the benefits of a loving, doting female companion with absolutely no responsibility.

Unfortunately, he always continues, the moment the relationship received the official blessing of church and state, the woman became an insufferable, controlling monster. Instead of focusing solely on cooking, cleaning and providing him with sexual favors, the formerly "perfect" girlfriend turned into a miserable shrew whose only goals involved keeping him from having any fun.

Apparently--at least according to these naysayers--my fiancée has spent every moment since we met lulling me into a false sense of security. If I have it right, once I say "I do," she'll drop the "act," and everything changes.

If Celine, my future bride, could pull off a plan that devious, I'd have to respect her effort and go along with it. If she, or any other woman, would really lay eight years of groundwork to capture me--despite my relative willingness to be caught--you would have to question the outlay of resources, though.

If women truly have the patience necessary to execute this type of scam, I figure it's only a matter of time before they rise up, take over the country and declare Oprah as our unquestioned leader. Should that happen, I figure my marriage will be the least of my concerns.

Last Updated: 06/02/00
WebMistress: Cathie Walker
Author, Author!: Daniel Kline
© copyright 1995- 2000 Centre for the Easily Amused