1999-Thank heavens it's over

Despite our emergence as a women's soccer powerhouse and continued dominance of the global fast food market, the United States has not had a banner year. Though we scored a few minor triumphs such as the creation of an even larger George Foreman grill and the successful deportation of the cast of "Baywatch" to Australia, the country had little to be proud of in 1999.

While we maintained our status as the nation that watches the most television, produces the most overweight children and consumes the most porn, we slipped in a variety of more important categories. In the past year, our kids got dumber, our manufacturing base continued its steady deterioration and despite my best efforts, "Veronica's Closet" remained on the air.

Perhaps our greatest failing in 1999 came from the field of politics, where the members of our highest governing bodies became indistinguishable from your average panel of "Jerry Springer" guests. Though no one in the Senate underwent a sex change operation, and as far as we know, no Supreme Court justice married his cousin, politicians took part in every other form of debauchery possible.

We expected this from Bill Clinton, a man we sent to office with a hearty "wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more" to his lurid past. But the actions of his Republican contemporaries truly surprised me. Newt Gingrich seemed as likely a candidate for a sex scandal as for the Olympic gymnastics team, yet the former Speaker of the House left his wife for a congressional staffer earlier this year.

Even our handling of these "affairs of state" proved humiliating for the country. The President had sex with an intern while conducting government business, lied to the public repeatedly and barely got a slap on the wrist. Sure, he has that whole impeachment thing in the history books. But lucky for Bill, his handling of our national education system ensured that future generations will be unable to read them.

1999 also marked the year when a state, albeit a marginal one, elected the first novelty governor. Jesse "The Body" Ventura, a mediocre wrestler who went on to a film career that didn't compare favorably to O.J. Simpson's, won the state house in Minnesota by running a campaign with the basic message of, "Vote for Jessie, he's really tough."

Ventura hammered that point home by using an action-figure version of himself in various campaign commercials. Minnesotians bought into this and now, should Fox ever stage a gubernatorial tough-man competition, Ventura should bring the prize home for his state, though someone will have to check Florida's Jeb Bush for foreign objects before the contest begins. Even when you remove political scandal from the equation, 1999 shaped up pretty poorly. It seems we spent most of the year stocking up on toilet paper in case the world ends on January 1 and the rest of it hoarding Pokémon products.

1999 was a year in which the United States slipped in education, business and culture, while our only obvious gains were in "teenagers who go on murderous rampages" and "boy bands who wear matching outfits." It seems likely those two are connected, and perhaps the dawn of 2000 will bring an end to both.

Of course, things could just continue on their present path, which logically means we'll spend the year 2000 fleeing from a super race of pop-band killing machines. Should that happen, I'm not planning on looking to any politicians for help, unless I move to Minnesota.