The Pier Shareware 6/The_Pier_Shareware_Number_6_(The_Pier_Exchange)_(1995).iso/015/fun_joke.zip/BOOK3.TXT

Text File | 1994-11-03 | 42KB | 875 lines

A man was driving from New York to San Francisco.  He got as far as
Cleveland, when he realized he was getting terribly horny.  So he
looked up a house of ill repute and took care of the problem.
Immediately, a severe guilt reaction set in, so he went to confession.
For penance, he was told to say 10,000 Hail Marys.  So he went on
driving and praying.  By the time he got through with the 10,000
Hail Marys, he was approaching San Francisco.  Suddenly he realized
he was terribly horny.  So he looked up a house of ill repute
(presumably by asking the nearest cop), and had an orgy.  Again
there was a severe guilt reaction, so he went to confession.
It was an old Irish priest who said, "For penance say three Hail
Marys".  The man said, "What??  In Cleveland, I had to say 10,000
Hail Marys for the same thing.  Father replied quietly, "Sure now,
and what would they know about fucking in Cleveland?".

  Two Irishmen were digging a ditch in front of a whorehouse.
Pretty soon, Rabbi Ginzburg walks up and goes in.
Says one, "'Tis a terrible thing to see a man of the cloth goin'
into a place like that".  Says the other, "Sure and 'tis a terrible
thing". They went on digging.
  Somewhat later, Reverend Jones walks up and goes in.
Says the first, "'Tis a terrible thing to see a man of the cloth goin'
into a place like that".  Says the other, "Sure and 'tis a terrible
thing". They went on digging.
  Later still, Father Kelly walks up and goes in.
Says the first Irishman, "Sure, somebody must be dyin'".


SADISTIC (Including racist)

Q. How do you keep little black kids from jumping on the bed?
A. You put Velcro on the ceiling.

Q. How do you get them down?
A. You tell a couple of Mexican kids that there is a pinata up there.

A tribe of cannibals had reached such a level of sophistication
that they raised slaves for food much as cattle are used.
It seems that they regarded the rump as the choicest part, and
over many years they had actually used selective breeding to
produce a strain with large succulent rumps.  Eventually, a
missionary landed on their island and was understandably appalled
at what he saw.  He spent many years converting them to Christianity,
and getting them to give up their disgusting practices.  When he
felt his work was done, he went on to other places.  After many
more years passed, now old, he decided to revisit his original
tribe.  When he landed, the natives were quite happy to see him
again and ushered him immediately into the chief's hut. As he
entered, his eye fell on something that quite horrified him:
A copy of Fanny Farmer's Cookbook!

A quadruple amputee went to a whorehouse.  The madam answered the
door and stood aghast.  "What you doin here, man?", she asked, "You
ain't got no arms and you ain't got no legs!".  He replied, "Well
I rung the bell, didn't I?"

Q. What's the height of optimism?
A. An Ethiopian wearing a dinner jacket.

Somewhere in the South, they pulled the body of a black man from
the river.  He was bound in chains from head to foot.  So they
called the sheriff.  When he arrived, he took one look and said,
"Ain't that typical?  Tryin' to steal more chain than he could swim
with!".

They say that President Johnson was driving through the South one
day when he happened to pass a lake.  He saw two white men in a speed
boat with a black man water skiing behind.  Thinking this was an
outstanding example of integration, he stopped his car, hailed the
boat over to shore, and said a few words to the occupants commending
them for their contribution to the civil rights movement.  After he
left, one of the men said to the other, "Seemed like a nice enough
feller -- just a little confused".  "Well", said the other, "Reckon
he just never saw nobody troll for alligators before".

A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog
raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg.  The man reached
in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.  A busybody who had
been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that.  He'll
never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like
that!".  The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him.  I'm just
trying to find his mouth so that I can kick his ass".

SEASONAL

A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night,
when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he
said to his wife.  "No, that felt more like snow to me", she
replied.  "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said".  Well,
as these things go, they were about to have a major argument
about whether it was raining or snowing.  Just then they saw
a minor communist party official walking toward them.  "Let's
not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph
whether it's officially raining or snowing".  As the official
approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it
officially raining or snowing?".  "It's raining, of course",
he replied, and walked on.  But the woman insisted: "I know
that felt like snow!", to which the man quietly replied:
"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

One very foggy Christmas night, Santa Claus happened to have a
package to deliver to someone in Virginia.  So he flew up and down
the East coast, landed once in Maryland, tried again and found
himself in North Carolina, tried several more times but could not
find the state of Virginia.  Finally in desperation he landed at a
gas station and asked the attendant, "Say is there any such place as
Virginia?".  To which the attendant replied with those immortal
words: "Yes, Santa Claus, there is a Virginia".

SEXIST

A gay fellow went to Denmark to have a sex change operation performed.
When "she" returned, a friend asked, "How did it go?".  "Oh awful,
just awful", she replied.  "What was so awful?", asked the friend,
"Did it hurt a lot when the removed the extra parts?".  "Oh no, that
wasn't bad", she replied.  "Well, did it hurt when they put in the
silicone implants?"  "Oh no, that wasn't bad".  Well then, what was
so awful?"  "It was when they cut a hole in my head and took out
half my brain!"

When this fellow was small, to keep him from playing around, they
told him that girls had teeth "down there" and would bite him if
he wasn't careful.  Well he was pretty scared, so he never played
around and, in fact, grew up believing the story.  Eventually,
a woman got him into bed.  As he was obviously keeping his distance,
she asked, "What's wrong?"  He replied, "I'm afraid you're going
to bite me".  She said, "Oh don't be silly.  Girls really don't
have teeth."  But he said, "You're just saying that so you can bite
me".  And the more she tried to convince him, the more adamant he
became.  Finally she said, "Well, for heaven's sake!  Put on the
lights and look for yourself!".  So he did.  Taking one look, he
shook his head and said, "God!  With gums like that, no wonder you
don't have any teeth!".

TEXANS

A woman was driving alone across the great Southwest when her car
stopped in the middle of nowhere.  She got out, raised the hood,
and leaned underneath.  The heavy hood then came down trapping her.
A very ungentlemanly fellow came by, saw her helpless condition,
proceeded to take advantage of her, and then left.  Eventually,
a pair of highway patrolmen came by and released her.  She told them
that she had been raped by a Texan.  Upon repeated questioning, she
insisted that the man was a Texan.  One of the officers finally
asked her how she could be so sure that he was a Texan when she
obviously couldn't see anything.  She replied, "Well, he had an
awfully big belt buckle and not much else!"'

Two Texans were urinating off a bridge.  One said, "Boy, that
water's cold!"  "Yeah", said the other, "And the gravel on the bottom's
murder!".

   A Texan strode into a bar in Alaska and began to mouth off with
typical Texas modesty.  He was told that if he wanted to qualify as
an Alaskan, he would have to do three things in the same afternoon:
He would have to drink a fifth of whiskey, wrestle a polar bear, and
make love to an Eskimo girl.  Well the fifth of whiskey was no
particular problem.  Then, feeling no pain, he staggered out to look
for a polar bear.
   Some time later, torn to shreds, he dragged himself back into the
bar.  "All right", he said, "Where's that Eskimo girl I'm supposed
to wrestle?".

A Texan got up one morning and noticed that the upper half of his
eyeballs were blue and the lower half brown.  So he went to the doctor
to find out what was wrong.  The doctor gave him a pitcherfull of
something to drink.  After he had drunk it he said, "What was that?
It tasted terrible".  The doctor replied, "It was shit.  You were
running a quart low".

A man who was driving across Texas stopped at a roadside tavern and
ordered a short beer.  The bartender brought him a huge mug of beer.
The man complained, "I said a short beer!" The bartender said,
"Everything's big in Texas.  This is what we call a short beer".
The man said nothing, drank the beer, and went his way.  A little
farther down the road, he stopped at another bar and again ordered a
short beer.  Again the bartender brought him a huge mug of beer.
The man complained, "I said a short beer!".  The bartender said,
"Everything's big in Texas.  This is what we call a short beer".
The man said nothing, drank the beer, and went his way.  A little
farther down the road, he stopped at a big motel/restaurant complex.
By this time he needed to use the restroom.  So he asked the bartender
where it was located.  The bartender directed him down the hall and to
the right.  Well, the man got confused, turned left instead, and fell
directly into the swimming pool.  As he was falling, he shouted, "Don't
flush it!  Don't flush it!".

UTTERLY REVOLTING

A drunk was trying to cadge a drink from a bartender who kept telling
him to get lost.  Finally he said to the bartender, "All right, I'll
show you! If you won't give me a drink, I'll run all your customers
out of here".  "So how are you going to do that?", asked the bartender.
"I'm going to drink out of the spittoon", replied the drunk. "Go ahead
if that's your taste", said the bartender.  So the drunk went over
to the spittoon, picked it up, brought it back to the bar, and began
to drink, trying to be as obnoxious about it as possible.  Pretty
soon , customers began to leave.  After a while, there were only
two customers left.  The bartender began to get anxious, so he said
to the drunk, "OK, I'll pour you a drink. Just put the spittoon down".
The drunk paid no attention, but kept on drinking, choking and
gagging as he went.  Pretty soon, one more customer left. "Come on,
put the spittoon down. I'll pour you a drink", said the increasingly
anxious bartender.   Again, the drunk paid no attention, but continued
his disgusting act.  Finally the last customer left.  Then the drunk
put down the spittoon.  "You rotten so-and-so", hollered the bartender,
"I said I'd pour you a drink.  Why did you have to run the last
customer out?".  "I couldn't stop', explained the drunk, "It was all
on the same string!".

An Italian and a Greek were walking down by the waterfront.  The
Italian fell in the water and was drowning.  So the Greek went in
and pulled him out.  By this time, the guy was half drowned, so the
Greek stretched him out on the dock, pulled down his trousers, and
began blowing into his rectum.  A passerby ran over and said, "Hey,
what are you doing?".  "Can't you see?  I'm giving him artificial
respiration", said the Greek.  "You can't do it that way", said the
passerby, "You have to do it mouth-to-mouth".  "Forget it!", said the
Greek, "Did you ever smell an Italian's breath after he's been eating
garlic?".

Q. What is the difference between a fairy and a microwave oven?
A. A microwave oven doesn't brown your meat.

What's black and red and won't go through a revolving door?
A Nun with a spear through her head.

Why do Iraqese men wear robes?
Camels can hear a zipper for miles!

How many UN representatives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
160  -  1 to  screw it it and 159 to demand its immediate withdrawal.

The troops in Saudi Arabia are eating the lastest edition of C-rations,
called MRE's, for Meals Ready to Eat.
- Since they taste like stale hardtack, the soldiers have renamed them
Meals Rejected by Ethopians.

"Women are like busses, a new one comes along every 10 minutes."

"I don't drink anymore. I don't drink any less either."

        A blind man walked into a lumber yard and asked the
manager for a job as a lumber sorter.  The manager was inclined to
say no, but feared charges of job discrimination.  So he decided
to give the man a test, which he was sure the blind man couldn't
pass.
        The manager said to his pretty, young secretary, "Go in
the back and get a board from that new shipment."  She returned
and place the board in front of the blind man, who bent down and
sniffed the board.  "That's white pine and it's only 6 weeks old."
The manager was taken aback, but ascribed the feat to a lucky
guess.  He asked his secretary to bring a board from one of the
oldest lumber piles in the yard.  The blind man sniffed the plank
and said, "That's black walnut.  It's 15 years old, and it's been
stored under some oak boards."
        Now the manager was worried.  He was sure if he hired the
man, he would be leaving himself open for job-related injuries and
lawsuits which would surely follow.  So he turned to his secretary
and whispered, "Take off your panties and give them to me."  The
girl complied after some hesitation.  The manager set them on the
counter in front of the man, saying "OK, If you can identify this
one, you're hired." The blind man sniffed carefully and said,
"That's a tough one.  Turn it over."  The manager smiled and
complied, knowing he had the blind man stumped.  The blind man
sniffed again and shouted, "I've got it.  It's 21 years old, and
it's the sh*thouse door off a tuna boat.  Now do I get the job?"

A young man got a job hearding sheep on the lonely Montana prarie (sp?).
He was quite surprised when after dinner, the other hearders selected
a few sheep from the flock, and proceeded to have sex with them.
"That was disgusting" he rmarked to one of the satiated shepherds.
"Well, after you've been out here a few months, you'll think differently
about it", the other said.
  Sure enough, after a couple of months without seeing anything female but
sheep, the idea of having sex with one became more attractive to the
newcomer.Having staked out his position as being above that sort of
thing, he didn't want the others to know, so when they selected their
sheep for the evening, he snuck away, and enjoyed his sheep behind a
bush. When he returned, all the other shepherds pointed at him and
laughed. He was irate. "You've got some nerve. Every night I see you
doing the same thing!" "Yes", one of the others replied, "but you picked
the ugliest one in the whole flock".

Upon hearing that Clayton Williams was learning Spanish, so as to be
able to communicate better with Hispanic voters, Jim Hightower remarked,
"Oh, good. Now he'll be bi-ignorant".

Q.  What do you get when you eat onions and beans ??????
A.  TEAR GAS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        What do get when you mix a Jew and Tavel agent ?
                A guilt trip .

Does the Telephone Company know about you?

Venessa Williams for President: She can lick Bush!

There was this man who walked into this bar, and, said to the bartender,
"I'll bet you $20.00 I can bite my eye".  The bartended said, "There's
no way you can bite your eye!  OK, I'll bet you $20.00." So, the man
took out his glass eye, and bit it.  The bartender said that this was
pretty sneaky, and paid up.  Then, the man said that he bet the
bartender that he could bite his other eye as well. The bartender said,
"You must think I'm stupid.  I'm not going to bet on the same thing I
just lost on again!" Then, the man replied, "No, really, I'll leave my
eye in it's socket, and bite it." So, the bartended agreed to bet the
man $20.00.  So, the man took his false teeth out, and bit his other
eye. The bartended at this point was pretty mad, but paid up.  The next
day, the man came in again.  He said, "I bet you $50.00 that I can piss
in a glass going down the bar as fast as you can push it!" The
bartender, knowing he could push a glass pretty fast accepted the
offer.  So, the bartender pushed the glass, and, the man pissed all
over the bar, and didn't get a drop in the glass.  At this point, both
men were laughing. Then, the bartender stopped laughing, and, said,
"Why are you laughing? You just lost $50.00!" At this point, the man
replied, "Well, see those two guys at the end of the bar?  Well, I bet
them $100.00 that I could piss all over your bar, and make you laugh
about it!"

   The Friendly Guide to Safe Fax!

Q.  Do I have to be married to have fax ?
A.  Good Lord, no.  People who hardly ever fax their wives will
    spend most of their working lives faxing complete strangers.

Q.  My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and
    were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were
    twenty-one.  Is this true ?
A.  Yes, but why worry about boring old twits like them ?

Q.  If I fax something to myself, will I go blind ?
A.  Certainly not.  As far as I can see.

Q.  There is a place on our street now, where you can go and pay to
    fax; is this legal ?
A.  Yes, many lonely people have no other outlet for their fax
    drives and must pay a "professional" when their need for fax
    becomes too strong.

Q.  What are the consequences of indiscriminate fax ?
A.  Very high telephone bills.

Q.  Does the size of my memo affect the job of fax ?
A.  Depends upon the individual preference of the recipient.  By the
    way, research has proven that black men do not necessarily have
    larger memos.

Q.  What happens if I change my mind in the middle of fax ?
A.  Use faxus interruptus (commonly referred to as "pause").

Q.  Do you ever get too old to fax ?
A.  People well into their 80's enjoy faxing regularly.  However,
    the time it takes to insert may be affected.

Q.  Is faxing hazardous to my health ?
A.  Just remember, you are not just faxing one person, but everyone
    they've faxed for the past 10 years.  Who knows what they've
    transmitted !

Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who says it's dark?

Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around
   him.

PMS-Primadonna Moron Syndrome

    An extremely wealthy man collected bottles.  He had every one in his
special collection except the tis bottle.  He let it be known to his
valet, butler, pilot, and navigator that no expense was to be spared in
the search for the tis bottle.
    They flew in his jet to Egypt, rented a caravan of camels and
entered every single pyramid.  It took approximately three months to
examine each pyramid because of the mazes within.  Alas, no tis bottle.
    Next they went to the darkest corner of Africa.  Fighting off the
lions and rhinos, they came upon a Pyramid tribe.  And the king of the
tribe had the tis bottle!!! ! ! ! !
    "Oh, the tis bottle!  What can I give you for this tis bottle?"
    The king replied, "We want electricity, running water, a nuclear
plant, two television sets and VCRs for each member of my tribe, a
complete set of Nintendo/Sega/Geneses machines and cartridges for each
child,  a 45-carat diamond for each of my wives,  100 -carat diamond
rings for each of my concubines, and  _________ and ______________"
The king kept itemizing his list of wishes for the next fifteen minutes.
    The wealthy man said, "Deal!"
    They shook hands on it.  After all the items were brought to the
tribe, the rich guy decided better not fly the tis bottle home in the
private jet because there might be some turbulence.
     So he purchased the Queen Mary ship, had it sailed to him, and he
boarded the ship with the precious tis bottle.
     Months later, the ship with the tis bottle arrived into the harbor.
The man's valet carried the bottle to the limo, and the chauffeur gently
drove it home (along with the man, of course.)
      At last!!!!!   The tis bottle was placed in its rightful
spot among the special collection.  Two ounces of water was poured into
it.
   The man then tapped each bottle in harmony and sang, "My country
'tis of thee ......."

Lawyer, n. - One who is skilled in the circumvention of the law.
   -Ambrose Bierce

Lawyer: one who protects us against robbery by taking away the temptation.
   -H.L. Menken

           What's the difference
            between
           a lawyer
           and a vulture?
           A vulture can't take off its wing tips...

Three surgeons were sitting around talking about the types of patients
they liked to operate on.
  The first said, "I like to work on Germans; once you open them up,
everything is arranged in a neat, orderly, militaristic fashion - it makes
things easy."
  The second said, "I like to operate on Japanese; once you open them up,
everything is color-coded, like their electronics.  It makes operating
easier."
  The last surgeon said, "I like to operate on lawyers - once you open them
up, there's no heart, no guts, no backbone, and there's only two moving
parts, the mouth and the anus; and those are interchangeable."

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
       -H.L. Menken

What is Cole's Law?
chopped raw cabbage and mayonnaise


The Chinese couple return home after working all night at the Chinese
restaurant.
He gets into bed with his wife and feels a little horny.
      "How about some 69?", he asks.
      "What!  Chicken and pea pods at this hour"?



MY JOB IS MEDICAL FIELD SERVICE (I DRIVE OR FLY TO HOSPITALS AND REPAIR
EQUIPMENT), ALL THE SERVICE ENGINEERS ARE DISPATCHED FROM ONE PERSON.
AFTER A LONG TIME I FINALLY FIGURED OUT THE DISPATCH PROTOCALL:
     1. A CALL COMES IN.
     2. AN ENGINEER IS ASSIGNED IN THE FOLLOWING WAY:
          A. FIND THE ENGINEER FARTHEST FROM THE SIGHT, WITH THE LEAST
             EXPERIENCE (PREF. HE HAS NEVER SEEN THE EQUIPMENT BEFORE)
             WITH THE FEWEST SPARE PARTS, AND NO SERVICE MANUAL.
     3. HE IS THEN FLOWN ON A FRIDAY AFTERNOON ACROSS TWO TIME ZONES,
        TO A SIGHT THAT IS TEN MINUTES FROM A LOCAL ENGINEER THAT HAS
        PARTS EXPERIENCE AND, A SERVICE MANUAL, AND NO SERVICE CALLS
        AT ALL FOR THE DAY.
     4. THE DISPATCHED ENGINEER THEN STRUGGLES THROUGH THE SERVICE CALL
        ALL WEEKEND, FLYS HOME LATE SUNDAY, AND PROPTLY GETS YELLED AT
        EARLY MONDAY MORNING, BECAUSE THE SYSTEM HAS JUST DIED AGAIN.
I AM ALWAYS AMAZED AT THE HUMOR THAT CAN BE FOUND IN REAL LIFE.
MAY BE A BIT DRY AND CYNICAL, BUT SOMEONE NEEDS TO BE DRY AND CYNICAL, IF
IT WAS NOT ME IT MIGHT BE YOU. YOU SHOULD THANK ME FOR DOING IT FOR YOU.


Heard the old one about the hunter who bagged two deer in the same
area.  Took them to the taxidermist.  Taxidermist says, "Would you
like them mounted?"
     Says the Hunter,"Naw, holding hands would be find, I think there
were just friends."

A man and wife who for many years had had a very good full life with never
a care for anything, fell upon hard times. It got worse and worse till
there was literally nothing left of their money or friends. There was no
money coming in, their friends deserted them, and they finally sold their
last remaining possessions so they could sustain life.
     Finally that too was running out. The husband could find no solution
but one. One day he approached his still lovely wife and convinced her
that there was only one source of income left to them. She was still a
very good looking woman and she would have to go out on the street and
sell herself to get some money coming in.
     After much discussion, she finally agreed that it would be the only
way, and so one evening soon after she dressed carefully and left the
apartment early.
     The next morning she returned, Looking like she was half DEAD! Her
clothes were half torn off her and she practically crawled accross the
room. She got to the table and took out from her purse a roll of bills
totaling $500 plus a 25 cent piece. Her husband looked at the quarter and
asked who had given her the quarter? Her reply? "All of them did!"

DO YOU KNOW WHAT SANTAS REINDEERS WIVES DO ON CHRISTMAS EVE WHILE THE
REINDEER ARE HELPING SANTA MAKE HIS ROUNDS?
THEY GO TO THE ELKS CLUB FOR THE CHRISTMAS PARTY AND BLOW A FEW BUCKS!

     What do Japanese blokes do when they have an erection?
       (They vote, just rike Amelicans or Engrish do.)

A guy is sitting in a bar and having a drink and decides to ask the
bartender if he wants to hear a joke. The bartender says sure, go ahead.
So the customer starts out the joke with" these two pollacks walk into.."
At this point the bartender says "wait a minute buddy. You see those two
guys on the end of the bar that look like they just escaped from Joliet?
They're polish. You see the two guys at the other end of the bar that look
like linebackers for the Chicago Bears? They're polish. And I'm polish. So
do you still want to tell your dumb joke?" The customer thought for a
second and said " No, not if I have to explain it five times."

HERE'S TO THE GIRL WITH THE LITTLE RED SHOES,
SHE LOVES TO PARTY ,
SHE LOVES THE BLUES.
SHE LOST HER CHERRY BUT THAT AINT NO SIN,
SHE'S STILL GOT THE BOX HER CHERRY CAME IN.

If Elvis were alive, what would be the first thing he would do???
Kick off the coffin lid!

Know what Hussein and panty hose have in common?
They both irratate Bush.

Know the difference between a refrigerator and a queer?
The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

          THE CREATION OF PUSSY
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
     created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, smart with wit,
     using a knife, he have it a slit.
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
     with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
     by using red velvet, he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
     with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
     trew in a fish and gave it a smell.
Sixth was a preacher whose name was McGee,
     touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Last came a sailor, dirty little runt,
     he sucked it and f***** it and called it a cunt.

Two window washers are on the side of a tall building, cleaning the glass.
The one washer says, "Hey Fred, if Hussein launches the big one at us, and
we only have 15 minutes left to live, what would you do?"
  Fred said, "Hell, I'd screw the first thing that moved.  Why, what would
you do?"
"Well, I sure wouldn't move..."

A duck walks into the pharmacy and asks if they have anything for chapped
lips.
"Why yes, we have Carmex."
The duck said he'd take it.  "One dollar please" requested the pharmacist.
The duck said "Ahh, just put it on my bill."

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.

Did you all hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, insommniac who stayed up
all night contemplating if there really is a DOG.

Hear about the newly married couple?  Wanted to fly United, but the
stewardess would not let them!!

What's the difference between an IRAQI woman and a catfish?
One has whiskers and smells bad, and the other lives in the sea.

Did you hear that Poland sent troups to the Golf???
 Mexico isn't sure what they should do about it!!!

How many anti-war protestors does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they would rather sit in the dark and bitch about it.

why wasn't Saddam circumcised??
Cuz there was no end to that prick.

What does SCUD stand for?
Stupid, Crazy, Ugly Dictator

Have you heard about the latest rage in Iraq ?
A beer called SCUD LIGHT.
                   It takes 15 to get bombed!

WHY DID GOD GIVE WOMEN BELLY BUTTONS?
So men have a place to put their gum when they're eating!

  Q:  What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?
  A:  Bingo

Hear about the new Saddam condoms?
They're made for the guy who just won't pull out.

Know why Saddam doesn't go bar-hopping?
Hell, he can stay home and get bombed!

Do you know what Saddam has in his shorts?
Scud marks.

Why are Polacks buried face down??
So visitors have a place to park their bikes.

What do Saddam Hussein and his father have in common?
They both didn't pull out in time!

What do Baghdad and Nagasaki have in common?
Nothing, yet.

Does anyone know the name of the girl in bed, between two guys naked?
Sharon Peters

Saw a cartoon the other day:
     A-Bomb
     Built in America
     Tested in Japan

What do you call an Iraqi soldier with a sheep under one arm and a pig
under the other arm?
         Bisexual.

Why do Doctors spank newborns?
To shake the penis off the dumb ones.

Do you know why bosses give you a pat on the back?
They're looking for a soft place to stab you.

Traveling on a state highway, my husband and I saw a toll-booth entrance
being ripped up, concrete roadway and all.  We asked an attendant if some
new convenience was being installed for the workers.  "No way," she
replied. "They lost a quarter."

  Q:  There are ninety-nine people in a boat.  The boat tips over.  How
      many people are left?
  A:  Sixty-Six   (99 -> 66)

Why is Saddam constatly kept underground?
So he can observe his Air Force.

"B-52 bombing from 30,000 to 40,000 feet in the air is very accurrate.  We
never fail to hit the ground."
                                   attributed to an Air Force official.

A man about 90 got married to a young chick.  Sometime later he was talking
to a friend, and the friend asked if his sex life was OK.  "Oh yes", the
old man replied, "There is a nice nurse who lives in the next-door apartment,
and she comes over when we go to bed and helps me climb on".  "Then on the
other side of us there are three 250 lb. wrestlers, and they come over in the
morning and help me climb off".  The friend asked, "All three of them?".
The old man replied, "Yes, I fight back!"

The Arabian sultan felt very horny and sent his eunuch to bring him one of his
wives. The eunuch ran from the sultan's bedroom to the harem to fetch one of
the sultan's wives and brought her to the sultan. After a short time, the
sultan again called for his eunuch and told him that he was still horny and
needed another woman. The eunuch ran again to the harem and brought back
another woman. This went on many, many times through the night as his majesty
could not knock his horns off. Until, finally, the eunuch ran out of breath and
dropped dead on the floor. The moral of the story is that it is not having
pussy that kills you but running after it.

Q. If the German aircraft manufacturer Fokker merged with the Japanese
conglomerate Mitsubishi, what would the new company be called?
A. Mitsufokkerbishi.

The man was walking his penguin in the park when a policeman approached him
and said: "You should take this penguin to the zoo!". A few days later, the
man was again walking his penguin in the park when the same policeman noticed
him and approached him. "I think, that the other day, I told to take this
penguin  to the zoo?" said the policeman. "I did, tomorrow we are going to the
beach." replied the man.

Q. What do elephants do when they go to the beach?
A. They take their trunks off.



BAD PUNS (GENERAL)

A candlemaker had two sons.  One of them was an industrious lad and
worked hard all day making candles.  The other was very lazy and
hardly did anything all day long.  So at bedtime, the father gave
the industrious son a candle to light his way to bed.  The lazy one
had to go to bed in the dark, however.  The moral is: There is no
wick for the rested.

   A ship was sailing into some very dangerous, pirate infested waters.
As they got deeper into the area, the crew became increasingly
terrified.  One night they panicked and ripped off all the hatch
covers.  Using them as rafts, they disappeared into the night.
   With difficulty, the remaining officers and crew managed to get the
ship back into port.   After refitting, a new crew was signed on
and they again set sail.
   As they approached the same dangerous waters, the tension again
began to build among the crew.  Sensing trouble, the first mate
lost his nerve and went to the captain.  "Captain, the men are
grumbling", he said, "We had better turn back before we lose another
crew".  But the captain maintained his cool.  "Keep sailing", he
ordered, "Don't count your hatches before they chicken!".

   Two germs got into a horse's blood stream.  They were swimming
down one of his main arteries having a wonderful time when they came
to a small branching artery.  "Let's go see what's up there", said
one of them.  "Oh no, I'm having too good a time here", replied the
other.  "Oh come on", insisted the first.  So they went to see what
was there.  Well it happens that they swam right into a big cloud
of penicillin and were wiped out on the spot.  The moral of the story
is:  Don't change streams in the middle of a horse.

Some astronauts landed on an alien planet.  As they got out of their
ship, they were surrounded by a large crowd of fuzzy-looking
creatures.  "Who are you?", asked the team captain.  "Were the
Furries", they replied.  "Take us to your leader", he said.
They were escorted into an ornate palace where they found one of
the creatures seated on a throne wearing a headdress that looked
rather like a large hypodermic syringe.  "And who are you, sir",
they asked.  He replied, "I'm the Furry with the syringe on top".

For years, this hunter had heard tales of the foo bird that lives
in Africa.  Story was that if you should shoot one of these birds,
before dying it defecates all over you.  Furthermore, if you should
try to wash off the offensive material with water, there would be
a reaction which could cause you to be severely burned.  Well, he
took this as one of those old wives tales and gave it no thought.
As it happened, one day he was hunting in Africa and unknowingly
shot one of these foo birds.  Sure enough, he was immediately
covered with feces from head to foot.  Without thinking, he immediately
jumped into a pond of water and was terribly burned.  The moral of the
story is:  If the foo shits, wear it.

Two knights and their attendant were riding through the English
countryside.  It was getting late and there was a storm coming on
so they knew that they would have to seek shelter.  Unfortunately,
the only manor in the area was owned by a lord who was a notorious
homosexual.  As they rode in that direction, knowing that they would
be expected to be cooperative, they were discussing how they should
handle the situation.  Several options were discussed, then one of
the knights said, "Oh well, promise him anything but give him our
page".

Q. What did the man say to the waiter who served him stale fish?
A. Long time no sea!

BOOK TITLES

"The Yellow River" by I. P. Freely

"The Spot on the Wall" by Hu Flung Dung

"The Spot on the Ceiling" by Fling Dung Hai

"The Tiger's Revenge" by Claude Balls

"The Halt in the Desert" by Mustapha Krapp

"The African Bride" by Erasmus B. Black

DRUNKS

A drunk staggered into a cemetery and fell into a freshly dug grave.
Pretty soon a second drunk staggered by.  "Get me out of here",
said the one in the grave, "I'm cold".  The other one looked over
the edge and said, "No wonder you're cold, you poor guy. You don't
have any dirt on you".

A drunk was standing on the street rapping heavily against a lamp
post.  A cop happened by and said sarcastically, "What's the matter
buddy, nobody home?".   The drunk slurred, "Hell there ain't, there's
a light on upstairs!".

ELEPHANTS

Q. How do you know when a couple of elephants have been playing
     around in your backyard?
A. Your garbage can liner is missing

Q. How do you catch elephants using a pair of binoculars, a pair of
     tweezers, and a Mason jar?
A. Easy - You look at the elephants through the wrong end of the
     binoculars.  That makes them real small, so you pick them up with
     the tweezers and put them in the jar.

Q. How do you get an elephant into a pack of cigarettes?
A. You take out a couple of Camels.

Q. How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A. With a blue elephant gun of course.

Q. How do you shoot a pink elephant?
A. You can't.  You make him stand out in the cold until he turns
     blue.  Then you shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. How can you eat with that thing?

Q. What's the difference between an elephant fart and a cocktail
   lounge?
A. A cocktail lounge is a barroom.  An elephant fart is a BARROOOOM!

EQUAL TIME

Q. What's black and blue and rolls down gutters?
A. People who go around telling Italian jokes.

Q. Why do Italians have smelly feet?
A. From kicking the shit out of people who tell Italian jokes.

Q. What do Jews do with the foreskins that they amputate?
A. They plant them.
Q. Oh? What do they grow?
A. Irish cops.

  At one time, the Pope was threatening to expel the Jews from Rome.
So he summoned their leader and advised him that he would have to pass
three tests in order for the Jews to remain.
  The Jew appeared at the appointed hour.  For the first test, the
Pope made a sweeping gesture with his hand.  The Jew replied by
pointing directly at the earth.  There was a tremendous fanfare as
he had evidently passed the first test.
  For the second test, the Pope held up one finger.  The Jew
replied by holding up two fingers.  Again, there was a great fanfare
as he passed the second test.
  For the third test, the Pope took out an orange.  The Jew replied
by taking out an egg. There was another great fanfare as he passed
the third test.
  Later, the Pope's counselors asked him what was the meaning of the
three tests.  The Pope said, "First I said, 'God is the Ruler of
all'.  Then this wise man reminded me that there is also the devil
to be reckoned with.  Then I said, 'There is only one God'.  This
wise man also reminded me that there are the Son and the Holy Spirit.
Then I said, 'The earth is round', and this very wise man reminded me
that the earth is slightly elliptical".
  Meanwhile, across town, they asked the Jew what the three tests
were that he had passed so magnificently.  He said, "First he tells
me, 'The Jews gotta go', and I told him, 'The Jews are gonna stay
right here'.  Then he tells me, 'Up yours', so I tell him, 'Up yours
twice'.  Then he took out his lunch, so I did the same".

A priest and a rabbi had been rivals eversince they were in grade school.
The rabbi was just getting along, while the priest was advancing rapidly
in the church hierarchy.  First he became a bishop, then an archbishop,
making sure to let the rabbi know when he got each promotion.  Finally
he was appointed as a cardinal.  Of course, he had to call up the rabbi
and rub it in a little.  "Just think", he said, "I could be Pope some day!".
The rabbi retorted, somewhat bitterly, "When are you going to get to be God?".
"What do you mean, 'When am I going to get to be God?'", asked the priest.
The rabbi replied, "Well one of our boys made it!".

FILTH (GENERAL)

A man was browsing through a novelty store.  There was no one else
in the store, and so the clerk called him over to the counter.
"You have to see what we just got in", he said, "It's the latest
thing out".  With that he took out a package from under the counter
and raised the lid showing the customer a strange looking object.
"What's that?", asked the customer.  "It's a mechanical pussy",
replied the clerk.  "What on earth is it supposed to do?", asked the
customer.  The clerk unwound the electrical cord and inserted it into
the floor outlet, whereupon the "thing" began to make all sorts of
exotic undulating motions.  The customer was fascinated.  "I have to
have one of those!", he said.  "All right, sir, shall I wrap it for
you?", asked the clerk.  "Oh no, that's all right", replied the
customer, "I'll just eat it here".

A prostitute stopped at a farmers house and asked to be put up for
the night.  "I haven't got any room in the house", replied the farmer,
"but you can sleep in my hay loft if you want".  So she went out to
the hay loft.  Pretty soon a travelling salesman came by and asked
to be put up for the night.  He too was dispatched to the hay loft.
Somewhat later, a neighboring farmer, fearing that he wouldn't make
it home before dark, stopped and asked to be put up for the night.
He was also sent to the hay loft, but since he was an acquaintance,
the farmer added somewhat maliciously, "There's already a couple of
people out there and it should be fun because what I didn't tell 'em
is that an old bear sleeps out there too!".
   Next morning the farmer was up early doing his chores when the
prostitute left the barn.  "Had a good night?", he asked.
"Well, I had a pretty good night", she replied, "I got $50 from
the travelling salesman, and I got $25 from the old farmer, but
you know, I couldn't get a dime out of that cheap college kid with
the racoon coat!".