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1994-11-03
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* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* This file contains humor which some may find offensive. The *
* jokes hereafter do not in any way represent the opinion of *
* the collector. This collection is intended to amuse only, *
* and not to insult or imply meaning. *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
(653 jokes last count)
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Q: What's the difference between death and taxes?
A: Congress can't make death any worse than it is.
Q: What is the similarity between hemorrhoids and cowboy hats?
A: Sooner or later, every asshole has one!
Q: What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A: "I don't know, and I don't care."
Q: Hear about the new television show about yuppies in Alaska?
A: It's called "WD-30something"
Q: How can you tell if a kid is a loser?
A: The kid is kidnapped, and they put his picture on a MILK DUDS carton.
Q: What do the starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
A: They both go to Uranus to wipe out the cling-ons.
Q: What do 40 battered women have in common?
A: They don't listen.
Q: What's the difference between the Panama canal and Miss America?
A: The Panama canal is a busy ditch.
Q: Why don't U.S. senators ever use bookmarks?
A: They like their pages bent.
Q: What does a baby diaper and your boss have in common?
A: They are both all over your ass and usually full of shit!
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Q: How do you tell if your girlfriend is ticklish?
A: Give her a couple "test-tickles".
Q: Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?
A: Because when the dragged them by the feet, they filled up with dirt.
Q: What comes out of an erect penis?
A: Wrinkles!
Q: Did you hear about the new edition of Playboy for married men?
A: It has the same centerfold every month.
Q: Did you hear about the girl with tits on her back?
A: She wasn't much to look at but she was great to slow dance with.
Q: What is the difference between a circus and a chorus line?
A: The first is an array of cunning stunts.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: What do balloons and virgins have in common?
A: One prick and its gone.
Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?"
A: "Honey, I'm home."
Q: What's red and has 7 dents?
A: Snow White's cherry
Q: How do you make paper dolls?
A: Screw an old bag
Q: How can you tell which is the Head nurse?
A: She's the one with dirty knees
Q: What do you do when your kotex catches fire?
A: Throw it on the floor and tampon it
Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob?
A: The blowjob. You can beat your wife, eggs or meat; but you just can't beat
a blowjob.
Q: What's the definition of a virgin?
A: An ugly third grader
Q: What do you call this? (Stick out tongue)
A: A lesbian with a hard-on
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: "Hold onto your nuts! This ain't gonna be no ordinary blowjob."
Q: What do you call a female clone?
A: A clunt.
Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A: A piece of ass that makes your eyes water.
Q: What are the two greatest lies?
A: "The check is in the mail," and "I promise I won't cum in your mouth."
Q: What did Adam say to Eve?
A: "Stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets!"
Q: What's another reason God created the orgasm?
A: Because he couldn't wait for the second coming.
Q: Why is being a dick not all it's cracked up to be?
A: First of all you have a head but no brains; there's a couple of nuts
following you around all the time; your next door neighbor is an asshole
and you best friend is a cunt.
Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q: What's the hardest thing about a sex change from a man to a woman?
A: Inserting the anchovies.
Q: What do you do in case of fallout?
A: Put it back in and take shorter strokes.
Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend is ugly?
A: When she's having an artificial insemination, and the syringe goes limp!
Q: How do you make your wife scream after an orgasm?
A: Wipe your dick on the curtains.
Q: What's the difference between a cunt and a pussy?
A: A pussy is that nice warm thing you cuddle up to at night, a cunt is what it
is attached to.
Q: When does a cubscout become a boyscout?
A: When he eats his first brownie.
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Cause it's no big deal unless your not getting any!
Q: What do they call a black man with a white penis?
A: A polish coal miner who's been home for lunch.
Q: What is the difference between a paycheck and a penis?
A: You can always find a girl who'll blow your paycheck for you.
Q: Did you hear about the girl who gave up bowling for sex?
A: The balls were lighter and she didn't have to change her shoes!
Q: What's better than having a rose on your piano?
A: Having Tulips on your organ.
Q: How are an oven and a woman alike?
A: You have to get them both hot before you stick the meat in.
Q: How can you tell when you've had a really good blowjob?
A: You have to pull the sheets out of your ass.
Q: What has 100 teeth and can hold back a huge monster?
A: My zipper.
Q: Do you know what a guy with a big 12 inch cock has for breakfast?
A: "Well let's see, this morning I had two eggs, toast, coffee..."
Q: How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?
A: "Pi'tew...spit...pi'tew...spit..."
Q: Why do women sky divers wear tampons?
A: So they won't whistle on the way down.
Q: Why do women have two holes on the bottom?
A: So when they get drunk at a party, you can carry them home like a six-pack.
Q: What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through a 20 ft. garden
hose?
A: "Darling", "Sweetheart", "Precious", whatever it takes.
Q: How can you tell if a ballerina isn't wearing panties?
A: When she does a split and sticks to the floor.
Q: What is the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: Why is being in the Army like a PG movie?
A: Too much violence and not enough sex.
Q: What is the difference between like and love?
A: Spit and swallow.
Q: How do you go about screwing a 400-pound woman?
A: Roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.
Q: How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat?
A: When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo
Q: How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A: They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
Q: What do you call a shipment of vibrators?
A: "Toys for twats".
Q: Do you know why Santa Claus doesn't have any children?
A: Because, he only comes once a year and then it's down a chimney.
Q: What's the difference between masturbation and Basketball?
A: In Basketball, you dribble before you shoot.
Q: What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A: One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush!
Q: Why is eating pussy like dealing with the mafia?
A: One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
Q: What's hard and straight going in, and soft and sticky coming out?
A: Chewing gum.
Q: Why do they address cars as "she"?
A: Because, just like your wife, on a cold morning when you really need it,
she won't turn over.
Q: Did you hear about the new designer condoms?
A: They're called "Sergio Prevente."
Q: What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?
A: A trip without the kids.
Q: What's worse than lipstick on your collar?
A: Leg makeup on your ears.
Q: What's twelve inches long and white?
A: Nothing.
Q: What do you call Miss Piggy's douche?
A: "Hog wash!"
Q: What did Miss Piggy say when Gonzo called her?
A: "I can't talk right now - I've got a frog in my throat."
Q: What do you do in the event of fallout?
A: Put it back in and take shorter strokes.
Q: Why did God give women nipples?
A: To make suckers out of men.
Q: What do you call a pussy that takes messages for you?
A: An answering cervix.
Q: What do you give an eighty-year-old woman for her birthday?
A: Mikey...He'll eat anything.
Q: What do you call a woman who uses too much contraceptive foam?
A: A spermicidal maniac.
Q: Know what is the square root of 69?
A: Ate something.
Q: What is the speed limit of sex?
A: 68, at 69 you have to turn around!
Q: Why can women only go 68 mph on the highway?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod.
Q: Why do women like to play PacMan?
A: It's the only way they know of to get eaten three times for a quarter.
Q: Why do men like to play Pinball?
A: It's the only way they can get five balls for a quarter.
Q: What are two things in the air that can make a woman pregnant?
A: Her legs.
Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
A: You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball!
Q: What's the difference between trash and a sorority girl?
A: Trash sometimes gets picked up.
Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a Lamborghini?
A: Not everyone has been in a Lamborghini!
Q: What does a sorority girl do when she wakes up?
A: She goes home!
Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you use it!
Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Tie them together, make it a tire, and call it a good year.
Q: Why do Valley Girls use two diaphragms?
A: "Fur Shur, Fur Shur."
Q: Why don't cowboys make good lovers?
A: Because they think a good ride is eight seconds.
Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 10 years the job still sucks!
Q: When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.
Q: What do soy beans and vibrators have in common?
A: They're both meat substitutes.
Q: What do snow and sex have in common?
A: You never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it's going
to last.
Q: Why is lite beer like making love in a canoe?
A: Because they're both fuckin' close to water!
Q: How can you tell which man is the most popular in a nudist colony?
A: He's the one who can carry two cups of coffee and six doughnuts at the same
time.
Q: How come Dr. Pepper comes in a bottle?
A: His wife died.
Q: How come prostitutes never vote?
A: They don't care who get's in.
Q: What do you call a hooker with no legs?
A: A "nightcrawler".
Q: What did the prostitute give her daughter for her birthday?
A: Everything west of Broadway.
Q: What do you call a hooker's kids?
A: Brothel sprouts.
Q: What do you get if you cross a whore and a computer?
A: A fucking know-it-all.
Q: What do peanut butter and hookers have in common?
A: They both spread for bread.
Q: What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
A: You can't hear an enzyme.
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Q: Have you heard about the Faggot Patch Dolls?
A: They come with A.I.D.S. and a death certificate.
Q: Why can't scientists find a cure for AIDS?
A: They can't get the laboratory mice to butt fuck.
Q: What's the worst part about having AIDS?
A: Leaving your friends behind!
Q: Why did the minister get AIDS?
A: He didn't wash his organ between hims.
Q: What's the difference between mono and herpes?
A: You get mono from snatching a kiss.
Q: What do the initials in A.I.D.S. stand for?
A: Anally Inserted Death Sentence.
Q: How does herpes get out of the hospital?
A: On crotches.
Q: What does GAY stand for?
A: Got AIDS Yet?
Q: What's dangerous & eats nuts?
A: Syphilis.
Q: What's the difference between love and herpes?
A: Herpes lasts forever.
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Q: What does a Walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A: Their both looking for a tight seal.
Q: What do you call two skunks doing "69"?
A: "Odor eaters".
Q: Why does an elephant have 4 feet?
A: Because 8 inches isn't enough
Q: Where is an elephant's sex organ?
A: In his feet; if he steps on you you're fucked.
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: How do you breath through that thing?
Q: What do elephants use for a tampons?
A: Sheep
Q: What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?
A: Beef Strokenoff
Q: What do you call a cow with and abortion?
A: Decalfinated
Q: How do you know when an elephant's been fucking in your garage?
A: Your Hefty bags are missing.
Q: What is COYOTE UGLY?
A: When you wake up with your arms around someone sooooooooo ugly, that you
chew your arm off, rather than risk waking her up.
Q: Where do they get virgin wool?
A: Ugly sheep.
Q: What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating?
A: Finding half a worm.
Q: What do you get when you put an experimental monkey in a blender?
A: Rhesus Pieces.
Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?
A: Because they can.
Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.
Q: How can you tell when an elephant's got her period?
A: There's a quarter on your bedstand, and your pillow is missing.
Q: What's the last thing that goes through an insect's mind when it hits the
windshield at 55 mph?
A: Its asshole.
Q: What has a hundred balls, and fucks rabbits?
A: A shotgun.
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q: Why do Easter Bunnies hide their eggs?
A: They don't want anyone to know they've been fucking chickens.
Q: Where are an elephants sex organs?
A: In his feet, if he steps on you, your fucked!
Q: What's the black stuff between an Elephant's toes?
A: Slow natives.
Q: Why does an elephant have four feet?
A: Because seven inches would look silly on an elephant.
Q: What do elephants and Timex watches have in common?
A: They both come in quartz.
Q: Why is the camel called "the ship of the desert?"
A: It's full of Arab semen.
Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a gorilla?
A: A Hairy Reasoner!
Q: Where do you find a Turtle with no legs?
A: Right where you left him.
Q: Hear about the guy who named his dog Herpes?
A: He heals once a month.
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About four drinks.
Q: What's the difference between Beernuts and deer nuts?
A: Beernuts cost around thirty five cents, deer nuts are just under a buck.
Q: What's the difference between a moose and Lawrence Welk's orchestra?
A: On a moose, the horns are in front and the asshole is in back.
Q: How are a woman and a cow patty alike?
A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
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Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
A: A twenty-foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
Q: What's the difference between chicken and meat?
A: If you beat your chicken it would die
Q: Why are chickens so ugly?
A: They have a pecker on their face
Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
A: A twenty-foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with an M&M?
A: A cock that won't melt in your hand.
Q: Why don't chickens wear underwear?
A: Because their peckers are on their face.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the basket ball court?
A: Because it heard that the referee was blowing fouls.
Q: Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
A: He had a chicken stapled to his face.
Q: What's the difference between hookers and roosters?
A: One says "Cock-a-doodle-doo", the other says "Any-cock'll-do".
Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather; kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
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Q: What does D.A.M. stand for?
A: Mothers Against Dyslexia
Q: What does D.D.A.M. stand for?
A: Drunk Drivers Against Mothers
Q: What do you do when a female leper bats her eyes at you???
A: Catch 'em and yell "You're OUT!"
Q: Why did the leper fail his driving test.
A: He left his foot on the gas!
Q: Why is one of Helen Keller's legs yellow?
A: Because her dog is blind too.
Q: Hear about the guy who lost his whole left side in an auto accident?
A: He's all right now!
Q: What do you say to a one legged hitch-hiker?
A: Hop in.
Q: What do you do with a dog that doesn't have any legs?
A: Take him for a drag.
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Who cares? He won't come anyway.
Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs, with a ten inch penis?
A: Partially disabled.
Q: What do you call a one-legged Mongoloid who's Polish?
A: "A Polaroid one-step."
Q: What should you do if an epileptic has a seizure in your bathtub?
A: Throw in your laundry.
Q: What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish market?
A: "Evening ladies."
Q: Have you seen Stevie Wonder's wife?
A: Neither has he.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side in an accident?
A: He's all right now.
Q: Why is one of Helen Keller's legs yellow?
A: Because her dog is blind too.
Q: How did Helen Keller burn her cheek?
A: She answered the iron.
Q: How did she burn the other cheek?
A: The guy called back.
Q: How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she didn't do her homework?
A: They stomped on all her braille books with golf shoes.
Q: How do you drive Helen Keller crazy?
A: Lock her in a room with stucco walls.
Q: How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?
A: She tried to read the waffle iron.
Q: How can you tell if Helen Keller has brushed her teeth?
A: By the Gleam in her eye.
Q: How was Helen Keller punished by her parents?
A: They put Saran-wrap over the toilet
Q: You know what they did to Helen when she was REALLY bad?
A: Left the plunger in the toilet!
Q: What did Helen Keller do when she fell off the cliff?
A: She screamed her fingers off.
Q: Why does Helen Keller need two hands to masturbate?
A: One to do the work and the other to moan with.
Q: How did Helen Keller discover masturbation?
A: Trying to read her own lips.
Q: What was Helen Keller's dog's name?
A: Huuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmth!
Q: How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she was bad?
A: They re-arranged the furniture in her room.
Q: How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she used bad words?
A: They washed her hands out with soap.
Q: What has a hundred thousand legs and still can't walk?
A: Jerry's kids.
Q: What's the most difficult thing about eating vegetables?
A: Getting them out of the wheelchair.
Q: How can you spot the blind guy in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
Q: Did you hear about the leper who made his living as a gigolo?
A: He was doing great until business fell off.
Q: Why was a time-out called in the leper hockey game?
A: There was a face-off in the corner.
Q: How can you tell if a valentine is from a leper?
A: The tongue's still in the envelope.
Q: How can you tell when a leper poker game is over?
A: When someone throws his hand in.
Q: Why did the leper fail his driving test?
A: He left his foot on the gas.
Q: What's small, green, and falls apart?
A: A leperchaun.
Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute?
A: "Keep the tip."
Q: What do you call a girl with one leg?
A: Eileen.
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and legs sitting in your mailbox?
A: Bill
Q: What do you call a woman with a wooden leg?
A: Peg
Q: What do you call two guys hanging from the wall?
A: Curt and Rod
Q: What do you call a man with no legs?
A: Neil
Q: What do you call a quadriplegic on your doorstep?
A: Matt.
Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in your pool?
A: Bob.
Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in a hole?
A: Phil.
Q: What do you call a quadriplegic on your wall?
A: Art.
Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in a pile of leaves?
A: Russel.
Q: What do you call a quadriplegic going over a fence?
A: Homer.
Q: What do you call a quadriplegic who's just been run over by a car?
A: Patty.
Q: What do you call a quadriplegic at the beach?
A: Sandy.
Q: What do you call a leper in your bathtub?
A: Stew.
JJJJJ EEEEEEEE WW WW IIII SSSSSS HH HH
JJ EE WW WW II SS SS HH HH
JJ EE WW WW II SS HH HH
JJ EEEEE WW WW II SSSSSS HHHHHHHH
JJ JJ EE WW WW WW II SS HH HH
JJ JJ EE WW WW WW II SS SS HH HH
JJJJJ EEEEEEEE WW WW IIII SSSSSS HH HH
Q: How do you stop a Jewish girl from fucking you?
A: Marry her.
Q: What happens to a Jewish man when he walks into a wall with a full erection?
A: He breaks his nose.
Q: How can you tell if a dirty old man is Jewish?
A: He says, "Hey little girl, wanna buy a piece of candy?"
Q: Did you hear about the new Jewish porno movie?
A: It called, "Debbie Does Nothing."
Q: Do you know the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q: How do you say "fuck you" in Hebrew?
A: "Trust me".
Q: How do you cure a Jewish woman of nymphomania?
A: Marry her
Q: What's a JAP's idea of perfect sex?
A: Mutual headaches.
Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's definition of natural childbirth?
A: No makeup.
Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two Jews found the same penny.
Q: What's green and hates Jews?
A: Snotzies.
Q: What happens if a Jew with an erection walks into a wall?
A: He breaks his nose.
Q: Why do Jews have such big noses?
A: Air is free.
Q: What is a popular Jewish wine?
A: "I wanna go to Miami...".
Q: What does a Jewish American Princess make for dinner?
A: Reservations.
Q: What's the difference between JAPs and sharks?
A: JAPs don't eat seemen (sea-men).
Q: Did you hear about the new Firestein automobile tires?
A: They stop on a dime, and then pick it up.
Q: What's the difference between Jews and Canoes?
A: Canoes tip.
Q: What's the difference between Jews and pizzas?
A: Pizzas don't scream when you put them in the oven.
Q: What is a Jewish dilemma?
A: Free ham.
Q: Did you hear about the rabbi who did free circumcisions?
A: He only took tips.
Q: How many Jews can you fit in a VW?
A: Two in the front, two in the back, and ten thousand in the ash tray.
Q: How can you tell when a JAP has an orgasm?
A: She drops her nail file.
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Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Atheist?
A: Someone who rings your doorbell for absolutely no reason at all!
Q: How come no one ever came up with any jokes about the Jonestown incident?
A: The punchlines were too long.
Q: What do the Pope and 7-UP have in common?
A: "Never had it, never will."
Q: Why didn't Jesus get into college?
A: He got hung up on his boards.
Q: What do you call a Nun with a sex change?
A: A "Transister"
Q: What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common?
A: They both have balls just for decoration.
Q: What kind of meat does the Pope eat on Fridays?
A: Nun.
Q: Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands.
Q: What's heavenly, white, and falls from above?
A: Kingdom come.
Q: Why can't you circumcise Libyans?
A: Because there's no end to those pricks.
Q: What's the difference between a nun and a woman taking a shower?
A: The nun has hope in her soul.
Q: What did Adam say to Eve on their first evening together?
A: "Stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets!"
Q: What do you get when you cross a nun with an IBM?
A: A computer system that never goes down.
Q: Why did God create men?
A: Cucumbers don't take out the garbage.
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Q: What are the two biggest lies a Polock ever tells?
A: "The check is in your mouth" and "I promise not to come in your mailbox."
Q: What does it say at the top of a Polish ladder?
A: "STOP".
Q: Did you hear about the latest Polish invention?
A: A solar powered flashlight.
Q: What do you do when a Polock throws a grenade at you?
A: You pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: What do you call a pimple on a Polacks ass?
A: A brain tumor
Q: What did the Polack do with his first 50-cent piece?
A: He married her
Q: Three Polacks on a couch - which one's the cock sucker?
A: The one who's spitting feathers
Q: What do you call a Polock with an I.Q. of 176?
A: A village.
Q: How do you break a Polock's finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: What's a Polish shishkabob?
A: A flaming arrow through a garbage can.
Q: What do you call this? (Puff out cheeks)
A: Polish sperm bank
Q: What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A: A new last name.
Q: How can you tell a Polish woman is on her period?
A: She's only wearing 1 sock
Q: What's the leading killer among Polish women?
A: Toxic sock syndrome
Q: How do you get a polish woman pregnant?
A: Cum in her shoes and the flies do the rest.
Q: How do you get 3 Polacks off a couch?
A: Jerk 1 off and the other 2 cum
Q: Why is the average age of the Polish Army, 40?
A: Because they take 'em right out of high school!
Q: What do you get when you cross a Polack and a Mongoloid with one leg?
A: A Polaroid 1 Step
Q: Did you hear how the Polish hockey team drowned?
A: Spring training!
Q: How do you sink a Polish submarine?
A: Knock on the hatch!
Q: Did you hear about the Polish carpool?
A: They all meet at work.
Q: Why do Poles make the best astronauts?
A: Because they take up space in school.
Q: Why don't they give Poles a whole hour for lunch?
A: They don't want to have to retrain them.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Pole and an ape.
A: A retarded ape.
Q: What are the three most difficult years in a Pole's life?
A: Second grade.
Q: What do you call a Polish paratrooper?
A: Instant air pollution.
Q: Hear about the guy that was half German and half Polish?
A: He hated Jews but couldn't figure out why!
Q: What did Hitler tell the German Army before they marched into Poland?
A: "Don't shit in the streets, we're trying to starve them."
Q: What do you call a Polock with a $10,000 hat?
A: The Pope.
Q: Why is it illegal to kill flies in Poland?
A: Because that's the national bird.
Q: What would happen if someone nuked Warsaw?
A: It would result in $2.99 worth of damage.
Q: Why are rectal thermometers illegal in Poland?
A: Because they cause too much brain damage.
Q: How does a Polock count?
A: "1, 2, 3, another, another, another...."
Q: Why did the Polish elevator operator lose his job?
A: He forgot the route.
Q: Did you hear that half of Poland moved to Italy?
A: They raised the I.Q. of both countries!
Q: Why don't Polish women use vibrators?
A: It chips their teeth.
Q: Did you hear about the Polish man who broke his neck raking leaves?
A: He fell out of the tree.
Q: Why do Poles make such lousy lovers?
A: They always wait for the swelling to go down.
Q: Why does a Polock wear a hat to the toilet to take a crap?
A: So that he will know which end to wipe.
Q: Why are there no polish pharmacies?
A: They can't figure out how to put the little bottles in the typewriter.
Q: How come Polocks can't use word processors?
A: They keep getting white-out all over the screen.
Q: What happened to the Polish National Library?
A: Someone stole the book.
Q: What is a Polish Pencil?
A: A pencil with erasers on both ends.
Q: Why did the stadium in Warsaw get torn down?
A: Everywhere you sit, you sit behind a Pole.
Q: Why did the Polack jump off the Empire State building?
A: To show everybody that he had guts.
Q: How do we know there is a Polish Mafia?
A: They found two men with their heads tied together and shot through the
hands.
Q: What did the Polock do with his first fifty cent piece?
A: He married her.
Q: How do you sink a Polish battleship?
A: Put it in water.
Q: Why does the new Polish navy have glass-bottomed boats?
A: So they can see the old Polish navy.
Q: Did you hear about the Polish man who failed as a tree surgeon?
A: He couldn't stand the sight of sap.
Q: How do you keep a Polock in suspense?
A: I'll tell you tomorrow.
Q: Did you hear about the abortion clinics in Poland?
A: There's a year-long waiting list to get in.
Q: How do you ruin a Polish party?
A: Flush the punch bowl.
Q: How do you break a Pole's finger?
A: Hit him in the nose.
Q: Did you hear about the Polock who locked his family in his car?
A: It took him an hour to get them out with a coat hanger.
Q: How come Polish people only smell on one side?
A: They can never find "Left Guard" in the supermarket.
Q: Why don't Polish mothers breast-feed their babies?
A: It hurts too much to boil the nipples.
Q: Did you hear about the Polish parachute?
A: It opens on impact.
Q: Did you hear about the Polish assassin who was sent to blow up a car?
A: He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
Q: Why aren't there any ice cubes in Poland?
A: The inventor died and took the recipe with him.
Q: Where do the Polish keep their armies?
A: Up their sleevies.
Q: How can you tell a Polish cock sucker?
A: He's the one spitting feathers.
Q: Did you hear about the Polish man who couldn't spell?
A: Every payday he spends all night at a warehouse.
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Q: Do you know what N.A.A.C.P stands for?
A: "Niggers Are Actually Colored Pollacks"
Q: What do you call a black woman in the army?
A: A WACcoon.
Q: Do you know how break dancing got started?
A: Black kids trying to steal hub caps off of moving cars.
Q: Why do Blacks walk the way they do?
A: Because they spent the first nine months of their lives dodging a coat
hanger.
Q: Why do black women eat watermelon with their panties off?
A: To keep the flies off the watermelon.
Q: What do the Post Office & Kinney's have in common?
A: Both have 30,000 black loafers
Q: What would you call Bo Derek if she were black?
A: A "Ten of Spades"
Q: Why do black guys wear high-heeled shoes?
A: To keep from scraping their knuckles when they walk
Q: How can you tell a black person has been shot in the head?
A: By the hole in his radio
Q: Did you hear that the NFL is going to use green footballs next year?
A: Did you ever hear of a black dropping a watermelon?
Q: Did you hear about Ku Klux Knievel?
A: He tried to jump 18 blacks with a steam roller.
Q: What will they call the first black test tube baby?
A: Janitor in a drum
Q: Why can't little black kids play in sandboxes?
A: Cats keep trying to cover them up
Q: Have you heard about the new black disaster movie?
A: It's called A-pack-of-lips Now
Q: Why is Ray Charles smiling all the time?
A: Because he doesn't know he is black.
Q: How come there were no black people in the Flintstones?
A: They were all apes back then.
Q: What do you call two black motorcycle cops?
A: Chocolate CHiPs.
Q: Why do blacks keep chickens?
A: So the kids can learn how to strut.
Q: What do you call a black with a C.B.
A: Thief! Thief!
Q: What do you call a Negro woman with braces?
A: A Black and Decker pecker wrecker.
Q: What do they call the black Smurfs?
A: Smiggers.
Q: Why does Georgia have blacks while California has Earthquakes?
A: California got first pick.
Q: What is Sickle-Cell Anemia?
A: AIDS for spades.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Black and an Indian?
A: A Sioux named "Boy".
Q: Did you hear about the new dare devil, Ku Klux Knievel?
A: He's going to try to jump over 50 blacks with a steamroller!
Q: Why don't black people make good mountain climbers?
A: Their lips explode at 10,000 feet.
Q: Why are black people always horny?
A: You'd be horny too if your head was covered with pubic hair.
Q: What's the difference between blacks and snow tires?
A: Snow tires don't sing when you put chains on them.
Q: How do you stop a black kid from jumping on his bed?
A: Glue "Velcro" to the ceiling.
Q: What do you call the first black test-tube baby?
A: Janitor in a drum.
Q: What do you get when you cross a black and a Frenchman?
A: Jacques Cousteaudian.
Q: How many blacks does it take to shingle a roof?
A: It depends on how thin you slice them.
Q: How come there are so few black astronauts?
A: They don't like saying "Yes NASA, No NASA...".
Q: Did you hear about the two black guys on "That's Incredible"?
A: One had a job, and the other knew his father.
Q: Why do so many black people wear high heels?
A: So their knuckles won't scrape when they walk.
Q: Why is Ray Charles always smiling?
A: 'Cause he can't see that he's black.
Q: Why do black people smell?
A: So blind people can hate 'em too.
Q: Did you hear that Richard Prior and Michael Jackson are starting a new
scholarship for blacks?
A: It's called "The Ignited Negroes College Fund."
Q: Why do black people have flat noses?
A: That's where God puts his foot when he pulls their tales off.
Q: How can you be sure that Adam and Eve weren't black?
A: Did YOU ever try to take a rib from a black man?
Q: What is tattooed under every black man's lower lip?
A: "Inflate to 200 psi."
Q: What did God say when he made his second black man.
A: "Oops, burned another one."
Q: Did you hear about the black guy who had diarrhea?
A: He thought he was melting.
Q: What is the "Harlem Rap"?
A: "Watermelon, chitlins, Cadillac car
we're not as dumb as you think we is."
Q: Did you hear about the new French restaurant in Harlem?
A: It's called "Chez What?"
Q: Did you hear about the toy store in Harlem?
A: It's called "Toys'B'Us."
Q: What's the difference between a black woman's vagina and a bowling ball?
A: You could eat the bowling ball if you absolutely had to.
Q: What did Kunta-Kinte say when they chopped his foot?
A: "Where my toe-be?"
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Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.
Q: What's the difference between Aggie cheerleaders and sheep?
A: If you get lonely, you can always find a good looking sheep.
Q: What is "Miami Math?"
A: "TWO plus DOS equal FOE".
Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.
Q: How do Aggies have Sex?
A: They Exchange underwear!
Q: What do you call a Greek girl who keeps running away from home?
A: A virgin.
Q: Have you heard about the new Vietnamese cookbook?
A: It's called 101 ways to wok your dog
Q: What is the hottest item in Russian department stores?
A: Underwear labeled: January, February, March, April . . . .
Q: Why is there so little Puerto Rican literature?
A: Because spray paint wasn't invented `till 1949.
Q: What do Orientals use Dental Floss for?
A: Blindfolds.
Q: Why don't Puerto Ricans have checking accounts?
A: Because it's hard to sign checks with a spray can.
Q: How do you brainwash an Italian?
A: Give him an enema.
Q: What language do the Vatican Police speak?
A: Pig Latin!
Q: What do you call an Italian with an I.Q. of 180?
A: Sicily.
Q: Why is Italy shaped like a boot?
A: Do you think they could fit all that shit in a tennis shoe?
Q: Why don't Puerto Ricans like blow jobs?
A: They're afraid it'll interfere with their unemployment benefits.
Q: Why did the Italian staple his nuts together?
A: "If you can't lick 'em, join 'em"
Q: Who won the Belgian beauty contest?
A: Nobody.
Q: If a Polack and a Mexican fall off the top of a tall building, who hits
the ground first?
A: The Polack, because the Mexican stopped to spray his name on the wall
A: The Mexican, because the Polack got lost
A: WHO CARES?
Q: Why don't Italians have freckles?
A: Because they slide off.
Q: How does an Italian count his goats?
A: He just counts the legs, and divides by four.
Q: How did they advertise surplus W. W. II Italian rifles for sale?
A: "Never fired, and only dropped once."
Q: What's the difference between an Arab and a terrorist?
A: An Arab would have kept the wheelchair.
Q: What's worse than being hijacked by the PLO?
A: Being rescued by the Egyptians.
Q: Why don't Arabs ever get hemorrhoids?
A: Because they are such perfect assholes!
Q: What do Arabs do on a Saturday night?
A: Sit under palm trees and eat their dates.
Q: What is a Japanese girl's favorite holiday?
A: Erection day!
Q: Did you know that 85% of all Japanese men have Cataracts?
A: The rest drive Rincolns and Chevlorets.
Q: What's gross ignorance?
A: One hundred and forty-four Irishmen.
Q: How do you keep an Englishman happy in his old age?
A: Tell him a joke when he's young.
Q: What do you call a pretty girl in Russia?
A: A tourist.
Q: Which one doesn't belong:
A shrimp, a lobster, a salmon, or a Japanese with a piano on top of him?
A: The salmon. All the rest are crustaceans.
Q: What do you call a fat Chinaman?
A: A chunk.
Q: Did you hear about the new Vietnamese cookbook?
A: It's called "101 Ways to Wok Your Dog."
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Q: Whats the most popular pick up line in a gay bar?
A: "Pardon me, may I push in your stool?"
Q: What do you call a gay Indian?
A: A brave fucker.
Q: What do you call 2 gay guys named Bob?
A: "Oral Roberts"
Q: What do gays use rubbers for?
A: Seal-a-meal
Q: What do you call a gay dentist?
A: A tooth fairy.
Q: What do you call a sleeping bag in San Francisco?
A: A fruit roll up.
Q: What do you call two gays?
A: Neal and Bob.
Q: What happens to a man who spends the night at a gay bar?
A: He wakes up with a queer taste in his mouth.
Q: What do you call a Jewish Homosexual
A: A Heblew
Q: What's the difference between a freezer and a fag?
A: A freezer doesn't fart after you pull the meat out!
Q: Did you know that Rock Hudson does not have any friends or relatives?
A: But he has neighbors up his ass.
Q: Who is the saddest faggot in Hollywood?
A: The last one to get a piece of the "Rock".
Q: Did you know that Rock Hudson's insurance got cancelled?
A: He got rear ended too many times.
Q: How can you tell the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo?
A: At a straight rodeo they yell "Ride them suckers!".
Q: Did you hear about the two fags who had an argument in a gay bar?
A: They went outside to exchange blows.
Q: What are the three things homosexuals like most?
A: To eat, drink, and be Mary.
Q: What's the ultimate in confusion?
A: Fifteen blind lesbians at a fish market.
Q: How do you separate the men from the boys in San Francisco?
A: With a crowbar.
Q: Why are they freezing sperm in San Francisco?
A: It tastes better than fresh squeezed.
Q: What kind of license do lesbians need?
A: A licker license.
Q: How can you tell if a bank robber is gay?
A: When he ties up the safe and blows the guard.
Q: What do you call a fag in a wheelchair?
A: Rolaids.
Q: What do you call two Irish gays?
A: Patrick Fitzhenry and Henry Fitzpatrick.
Q: How about the new breakfast cereal called Queerios?
A: You add milk and they eat themselves.
Q: What's in the air in San Francisco that keeps women from getting pregnant?
A: Men's legs.
Q: Did you hear about the new gay bar in town?
A: It's called "Boys'R'Us."
Q: What do you call a gay Eskimo woman?
A: A Klondike.
Q: Which is better, being born black or gay?
A: Black, because you don't have to tell your parents.
Q: How do you get four gays on a bar stool?
A: Turn it upside-down.
Q: How can you tell if you're in a gay church?
A: Half the congregation is kneeling.
Q: Did you hear about the new Rock Hudson jeans?
A: The zipper is in the back.
Q: Why did Rock Hudson leave home when he was 12 years old?
A: He didn't like the way he was being reared.
Q: Why did he come back?
A: He couldn't leave his brother's behind.
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Q: What's the worst part of eating hairless pussey?
A: Getting the diaper off.
Q: What did one fly say to the other?
A: "Pardon me, is this stool taken?"
Q: How can you tell if a woman is wearing panty hose?
A: Her ankles swell up when she farts.
Q: What is the difference between cauliflower and boogers?
A: Kids won't eat cauliflower.
Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Q: Why does Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling?
A: He wants to go where no man has gone before.
Q: What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?
A: The Captain's log.
Q: What's invisible and smells like dog food?
A: Old people's farts.
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Q: What does NASA stand for?
A: Need Another Seven Astronauts.
Q: What were Christie McAuliffe's last words?
A: "What does this button do?"
Q: What was the last communication from the Columbia?
A: "Gimme a light...oops I mean a Bud Li..."
Q: Did you hear that Christie McAuliffe changed her subject?
A: She used to teach math, but now she's history.
Q: What did the bumper sticker on the wreckage of the Challenger say when they
brought it up?
A: "If you can read this, thank a teacher."
Q: How was the space shuttle like the New England patriots?
A: For 72 seconds they were both flying high.
Q: Did you know that Christie McAuliffe had blue eyes?
A: One blew this way...one blew that way.
Q: What did Christie McAuliffe say to her husband before the launch?
A: "You feed the dog, I'll feed the fish".
Q: Why is Coke the official drink of NASA?
A: They can't get seven up.
Q: What was Christie McAuliffe going to bring back for her students?
A: A blow-up poster of the shuttle.
Q: Where did Christie McAuliffe spend her winter vacation?
A: All over Florida.
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Q: What has feathers and glows in the dark?
A: Chicken Kiev.
Q: What's the most popular brand of sunglasses in Sweden?
A: Ray-Bans
Q: Did you hear about the Chernobyl worker who grew 5 penises?
A: Now his pants fit him like a glove.
Q: What did a Russian mother say to her son?
A: "Stop picking your noses!"
Q: Have you heard about the next generation of Scandinavians?
A: Blond eyes and Blue hair.
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Q: How many Ethiopians can you keep in your bathtub?
A: None. They keep slipping down the drain.
Q: How are an Ethiopian and a pair of jeans different?
A: A pair of jeans only has one fly on it.
Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A: You know she'll swallow.
Q: Did you hear about the Ethiopian who fell into a crocodile pit?
A: Before they could pull him out he ate three of them.
Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a sesame seed on his head?
A: A Quarter Pounder.
Q: Hear about the Ethiopian who fell into a crocodile pit?
A: Before they could pull him out he ate three of them.
Q: What's the fastest animal in the world?
A: An Ethiopian chicken.
Q: How many Ethiopians can you fit in a VW?
A: All of them.
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Q: How can you tell that a family of Pink Flamingos has moved in next door?
A: By all of the plastic Mexicans in the front yard.
Q: Have you heard about the Mexican 500 car race?
A: The first car to start wins.
Q: What do Mexicans call Bartle & James wine cooler?
A: Dos Okies
Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus?
A: I don't know, but it can sure pick lettuce
Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Oriental?
A: A car thief who can't drive
Q: Why don't Mexicans barbeque?
A: Because the beans slip through the grill
Q: What do you call a Mexican Baptism?
A: Bean Dip
Q: Why do Mexicans have re-fried beans?
A: Have you ever heard of a Mexican doing anything right the first time?
Q: How come the Mexican Army only used 600 Mexicans at the Alamo?
A: Because they only had 2 cars.
Q: Why do Mexicans have noses?
A: So they have something to pick in the wintertime.
Q: Why don't Mexicans have checking accounts?
A: Because you can't sign a check, with a can spray paint.
Q: What do you get when you mix a Mexican and a squirrel?
A: A tree full of hubcaps.
Q: Do you know why they don't let Mexicans in the fire department?
A: Because they can't tell hose-a from hose-b!
Q: Why are they using Mexicans instead of laboratory rats in experiments now?
A: Mexicans breed faster and you don't get so attached to them.
Q: When does a Mexican become a Spaniard?
A: When he marries your daughter.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a pig?
A: Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.
Q: What's the name of Mexico's telephone company?
A: "Taco Bell."
Q: Why aren't there any swimming pools in Mexico?
A: Because all the Mexicans who can swim are over here.
Q: What do you call a doctor that does abortions on blacks and Mexicans?
A: A "crime-stopper".
Q: How do you get a Mexican pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
Q: What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A: A dry Martinez.
Q: Why is semen white and pee yellow?
A: So Mexicans can tell if they're coming or going.
Q: How are Mexican children taught to put on their underwear?
A: Brown in the back, yellow up front.
Q: Did you hear about the lazy Mexican?
A: He married a pregnant woman.
Q: Why can't Mexicans have a bar-b-que?
A: The beans keep slipping through the grill.
Q: How come Mexicans use refried beans?
A: Ever know a Mexican who did something right the first time?
Q: What do you say to a Mexican in a three piece suit?
A: "Will the defendant please rise...".
Q: What do you call a Mexican midget?
A: A speck.
Q: What do they use in a Mexican baptism?
A: Bean dip.
Q: How does God make Mexicans?
A: By sandblasting blacks.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican with a Chinese?
A: A car thief that can't drive.
Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Mexico?
A: Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Q: How many Mexicans does it take to grease a car?
A: One if you hit 'em right.
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Q: What's the difference between lawyers and vultures?
A: Lawyers accumulate frequent-flier points.
Q: Did you hear about the scientist who was experimenting with rats?
A: He switched to lawyers so he wouldn't form an emotional attachment.
Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman Pincher.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a snake, dead on the highway?
A: There are skid marks in front of the snake.
Q: Why don't lawyers ever get eaten by sharks?
A: Professional courtesy
Q: What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
A: A rooster clucks defiance.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: How do you save a lawyer from drowning?
A: Who cares?
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Q: Hear about the new movie about looking for your popcorn?
A: Its called "The Hunt for RED-enbacher"
Q: What do you call a psychic dwarf that just escaped from prison?
A: A small Medium at large.
Q: How do you communicate with a fish?
A: You drop him a line.
Q: Why was the guy fired from the orange juice factory?
A: He couldn't concentrate.
Q: If you are American in the kitchen - what are you in the bathroom ?
A: European.
Q: "Should I boil the new missionary?" asked the cannibal.
A: "No" replied the chief, "He's a friar."
Q: What did they award the man that invented the door knocker?
A: The No-bell Prize.
Q: Why is the ringling brothers circus so mind boggling?
A: Because it's in tents!
Q: What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhinocerus?
A: Elephino.
Q: Why couldn't the bike make it up the hill?
A: Because it was "two" tired!
Q: Why do baby ducks walk softly?
A: Because baby ducks can't walk, hardly.
Q: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
A: Great food, no atmosphere.
Q: What happened to the butcher?
A: He backed into a meat cutter and got a little behind in his work.
Q: Why are soldiers so tired on April 1st?
A: Because they just had a 31 day March!
Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots?
A: Bunny farts
Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No eye deer.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no eye deer.
Q: What do you call an obsession with goose feathers?
A: Down Syndrome.
Q: What do you call an obsession with fabric softener?
A: Downey syndrome.
Q: What do you get when you cross a cat and a pig?
A: Sausage lynx
Q: Where do cantaloups go for the summer?
A: John Cougar's Mellencamp..
Q: What is "smore play"?
A: It's what smurfs do before they smuck!!!
Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A: A dicktater.
Q: Did you hear about the happy Roman?
A: He was gladiator.
Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough
Q: Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine?
A: He made a spectacle of himself.
Q: Why did the rubber fly across the room?
A: It got pissed off.
Q: What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
A: Snowballs.
Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snowblower coming.
Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago!"
Q: What's brown and sounds like a bell?
A: Dung.
Q: What's brown and has holes in it?
A: Swiss shit.
Q: Why does an Indian wear feathers on his head?
A: To keep his wig-wam.
Q: How do you make a kleenex dance?
A: Blow a little boogie into it.
Q: Why don't witches ever have babies?
A: 'Cause warloks have hollow-weenies.
Q: Why can't Gypsies have children?
A: Because all the men have crystal balls.
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CC CC EE LL EE BB BB RR RR II TT II EE SS SS
CCCCC EEEEEEE LLLLLLL EEEEEEE BBBBBB RR RR IIII TT IIII EEEEEEE SSSSS
Q: Did you hear about the new car being manufactured in San Francisco?
A: It's called the "Hampster", the only problem is that it's difficult to get it out of "Gere".
Q: What did Robert Wagner say to Natalie Wood the night she died?
A: "OK honey, you can have a drink, but don't go overboard!"
Q: What do the L.A. Dodgers have in common with Michael Jackson?
A: They wear a glove on one hand for no apparent reason.
Q: What's Billy Jean King's latest advertising sponsor?
A: Strap on Tools of America
Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook
Q: What's old, wrinkled and smells like Ginger?
A: Fred Astair's face
Q: What's green, and smells like pork?
A: Kermit's finger
Q: What do Billy Graham and the Houston Oilers have in common?
A: They both can fill up the Astrodome, and in fifteen minutes,
they both can have the crowd yelling Jesus Christ!!
Q: What was John Lennon's last hit?
A: The pavement.
Q: What was Gary Hart's biggest mistake???
A: Not having Ted Kennedy drive Donna Rice home!
Q: How did Capt. Hook die?
A: Jock itch!
Q: What is the definition of "Endless Love"?
A: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis!
Q: What's the difference between Dan Quayle and Jane Fonda?
A: Fonda spent more time in 'Nam.
Q: What did Dan Quayle say when Marilyn Quayle blew in his ear?
A: Thanks for the refill, Honey!
Q: Why did George Bush win the election?
A: Because Barbara's picture is on the $1 bill.
Q: Did you hear that Salmon Rushdie is publishing his next book?
A: Its called "Buddha, you fat fuck!"
Q: Why did Yoko Ono call the exterminator?
A: She found a dead Beatle on her door-step!
Q: What were the last words of Mr. Ed, the talking horse?
A: "A corpse is a corpse, of horse, of horse."
Q: Why did Maria Schriver marry Arnold Schwartzeneggar?
A: They're trying to breed a bullet-proof Kennedy.
Q: Do you know why Nancy Reagan is always on top?
A: Because Ronnie only knows how to screw up.
Q: You've heard of Alzheimer's Disease but do you know what Waldheimer's
disease is ?
A: You forget that you used to be a Nazi.
Q: What do Marilyn Quayle and Marion Berry (mayor of Washington, DC) have
in common?
A: They both like to blow a little dope!
Q: Did you hear what Mickey Mouse got for his 60th birthday?
A: A Dan Quayle watch.
Q: What do Len Bias and Rock Hudson have in common?
A: They both got a hold of some bad crack.
Q: What's yellow, ugly and sleeps alone?
A: Yoko Ono.
Q: What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
A: Three more bullets.
Q: What was John Lennon's last hit?
A: The pavement.
Q: Why can't you take a crap at a Beatles concert?
A: There's no John anymore.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Prior?
A: One was burned by coke, the other by Pepsi.
Q: What's fuzzy, smokes, and comes in cubes?
A: Fidel Castro.
Q: What's 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1?
A: Bo Derrick getting older.
Q: What's wrinkled and smells like Ginger?
A: Fred Astaire's face.
Q: Did you hear Karen Carpenter's brother's new song?
A: "She Ain't Heavy, She's My Sister."
Q: Why is Billy Jean King so good at tennis?
A: Because she swings both ways.
Q: What's worse than grease on Olivia Newton-John?
A: "Come on Eileen."
Q: Who is Billy Jean King's latest sponsor?
A: "Snap-On Tools of America."
Q: Did you hear that Princess Grace was on the radio?
A: ...And on the dash board, the steering wheel, etc.
Q: What did Princess Grace have that Natalie Wood could have used?
A: A good stroke.
Q: What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A: Popeye almost killed him.
Q: What part of Popeye doesn't rust?
A: The part he dips in Olive Oyl.
Q: What do you have when you have a green ball in each hand?
A: Kermit's undivided attention!
Q: Which is better, Dolly Pardon's bra or Princess Di's douchebag?
A: The latter: A royal flush always beats a pair.
Q: How come Dolly Pardon has such small feet?
A: Things don't grow well in the shade.
Q: How can you spot Dolly Pardon's children in a crowd?
A: They're the ones with the stretch marks on their lips.
Q: How do you know when you're being mooned by Ronald McDonald?
A: He's the one with the sesame seed buns.
Q: What would Grace Kelly be doing if she were alive today?
A: Clawing at the top of her coffin.
Q: What did Abraham Lincoln said the morning after his wildest party?
A: "I freed the what?"
Q: Did you see Roman Polanski's new movie?
A: Close Encounters With The Third Grade.
Q: Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
A: "t'da dump, t'da dump, t'da dump dump dump."
Q: What's big, savage, and goes "shhhhhhhhhhhhh".
A: Conan the Librarian.
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Q: How many McDonalds employees does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "No habla Ingles"
Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "Why don't you just let us remove the entire socket -
you don't need it, and it'll just give you trouble later."
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
One to write the light bulb insertion program, and
One to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that
nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same time.
Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to open the diet Pepsi, the 2nd to call daddy.
Q: How many Jewish mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Oy Vey, my son doesn't love me, he has me living in the dark."
Q: How many Southern Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eleven. One to change the bulb, 5 to share the experience, and five
to file the environmental impact statement.
Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change the bulb, and one to kill him and take the credit.
Q: How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Real men aren't afraid of the dark.
Q: How many Computer Programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that's a hardware problem.
Q: How many Computer hardware tech's does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Gotta be a software problem.
A: Gee, I never saw this model before.
A: Hardware tech's don't change light bulbs, they install LED's.
A: Sorry, I don't have that part on the truck, we'll have to order it from the
factory - It'll take 4 weeks as they're on strike.
Q: How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to really want to change.
Q: How many White House staffers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They like to keep Ronnie in the dark.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: "None of your %@$!^# business!"
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has to WANT to change.
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. But they have to be very, VERY, small!
Q: How many people from California does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.
Q: How many programmers does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: None, that's obviously a hardware problem.
Q: How many Poles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five, one to hold the bulb, and four to turn the ladder.
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the
experience.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians
who have come up to relate to the experience.
Q: How many W.A.S.P.s does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. ("That's all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...")
Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with
brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous."
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to
shoot the witness.
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with
the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One third less than for a regular bulb.
Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.
Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!!!
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old
light bulb was.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages
state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions
are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters
separated by blanks".
Q: How many <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There never *was* any light bulb.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other
screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back
on.
Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10,0000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.
Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None; people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
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