Hacker Chronicles 1/HACKER1.ISO/chrontmp/147

Text File | 1992-11-27 | 8KB | 134 lines

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:              THE ANARCHIST'S GUIDE TO NIGHTTIME FUN                      :::::
::               WRITTEN FEBRUARY 3RD, 1986 6:22 AM                         ::::
:::                  BY URLORD THOMAS COVENANT                               :::
::::                    AND SOFDOX KRACKERS                                   ::
:::::..........................................................................:

"I HATE THE LIGHT  /  I SPEED AT NIGHT!"
                           -DIO, "I SPEED AT NIGHT"

AS WITH ALL SOFDOX KRACKERS RELEASES, THIS FILE HAS NO INTRODUCTION. IF YOU DONT
LIKE IT, AS WE'VE SAID BEFORE, PISS OFF.

                 @OO' PART ONE: SETTING THE MOOD @OO'
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                   U           OOP ACK!             U

[IF YOU DON'T GET THE OBVIOUS REFERENCE TO BILL THE CAT HERE, PISS OFF AGAIN.]

HERE IS SOME INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC FOR YOU A LA COUNT NIBBLE, ALBEIT A BIT MORE ON
THE DESTRUCTIVE SIDE. SEE? YOU NEED NOT BE PUNK TO DO THESE THINGS! WON'T THE
NEON KNIGHTS BE RELIEVED TO FIND OUT THEY WON'T HAVE TO GIVE UP MIDNIGHT MASS AT
THE BLACK CHURCH?

DIO: I SPEED AT NIGHT
IRON MAIDEN: RUNNING FREE, PROWLER
JUDAS PRIEST: BREAKING THE LAW, GENOCIDE, SOME HEADS ARE GONNA ROLL
KROKUS: STAY AWAKE ALL NIGHT, BALLROOM BLITZ, HEADHUNTER, EAT THE RICH

TRY TO GET THE LIVE VERSIONS WHENEVER POSSIBLE. ADMIT IT, THERE'S SOMETHING
MILDLY THRILLING ABOUT HEARING CHEERS AND APPLAUSE WHILE YOU REDUCE A HOUSE TO
A FINE HEAP OF RUBBLE AND YOU KNOW IT...

               @OO' PART TWO: SETTING IT UP @OO'
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MAKE PLANS WELL AHEAD OF TIME, WITH YOUR FRIENDS, OR THE MEMBERS OF YOUR
POLITICAL PARTY. (ALL RIGHT, QUIT POINTING THAT GUN AT ME AND I WON'T SAY
ANOTHER WORD ABOUT COMMUNISM...)
TO GET THE MOST OUT OF YOUR OUTING, YOU NEED A CAR. I MYSELF LIKE THE EXERCISE,
ADDED CHALLENGE, AND VERSATILITY OF WALKING, BUT IT'S A PAIN TO CARRY ALL YOUR
SHIT IN A BACKPACK. A CAR ADMITTEDLY SPEEDS THINGS UP, AND ADDS THE FUN OF A
CAR CHASE AT THE END. (EVER PLAY "CHICKEN" WITH FIVE COPS AND A STEAM SHOVEL?
I HAVE...)
WHAT'S THE BEST NUMBER OF PEOPLE FOR THIS KIND OF OUTING? NO MORE THAN 7. 7 IS A
LUCKY NUMBER, AND MORE THAN 7 CREATES A LOT MORE NOISE, ESPECIALLY AFTER MOST OF
THE CAR'S OCCUPANTS HAVE HAD A FEW BELTS AND ARE FEELING PLAYFUL ENOUGH TO WANT
TO ATTEMPT TO RIDE UP THE STEPS OF THE COURTHOUSE AT 80 MPH. KEEP THINGS SIMPLE,
THERE'S PLENTY OF TIME TO GET ROWDY AFTER YOU'VE HAD YOUR FUN. (THIS NUMBER DOES
NOT TAKE INTO ACCOUNT ANY BEAVERS YOU MIGHT HAPPEN TO PICK UP ON YOUR WAY. JUST
TOSS 'EM IN THE TRUNK UNTIL YOU'RE DONE, THEY KEEP FOR MONTHS.)

                @OO' P@RT THREE: DOWNTOWN @OO'
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DOWNTOWN IS THE BEST PLACE TO START. START AT THE VERY CENTER, WHERE MOST LIKELY
THERE WILL BE A PARK OR A HIGH-RISE SHOPPING MALL. ("SUBURBIA? GEE, WHAT'S THAT?
WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING THIS NEET-O IN MY TOWN...") (OF COURSE NOT, DICKWEED, YOU
COME FROM A TOWN SO SMALL I COULD ANNILIHATE IT IN LESS THAN THREE HOURS...)
IF THERE'S A PARKING RAMP, GO INTO IT. AW GEE, THERE'S A GATE BLOCKING THE WAY!
CAN'T HAVE THAT, CAN WE? DRIVE RIGHT THROUGH IT (TRY NOT TO GE4 SPLINTERS ON
YOUR EXPENSIVE CLOTHES AND DELICATE SKIN) AND CRUISE AROUND THE LOWER LEVELS
SMOKING WEED, DRINKING, AND LOOKING FOR CARS THAT ARE PARKED THERD OVERNIGHT.
WHEN YOU FIND ONE, POSITION IT SO IT'S ON THE EDGE OF THAT ONE INCLINE THAT
GOES ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE STREET, GIVE IT A PUSH, AND JUMP BACK IN THE CAR
AND TRY TO BEAT IT DOWN. IF YOU DON'T, USE ANOTHER CAR UNTIL YOU CAN RIGHTFULLY
CALL YOURSELVES THE RACING CHAMPIONS OF THE PARKLOT. IF YOU'RE LUCKY AND CAN
FIND AN EXPENSIVE LIMO, DESTROY IT IN A RAGE BECAUSE IT'S SO MUCH BETTER THAN
YOUR CAR. PAINT INSIDE AND OUT, LICENSE PLATES RIPPED OFF AND SOLD TO MEXICAN
IMMIGRANTS AT A HUGE PROFIT MARGIN, WINDOWS SMASHED, AND DOORS BATTERED IN!
DON'T YOU FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW THAT YOU'VE WORKED OFF ALL THOSE UNHEALTHY
HOSTILITIES? OH, ALMOST FORGOT; TAKE THE RADIO TOO. AND BACK OUT TO THE STREET,
WHERE YOU HEAD FOR THE ALL NIGHT CAFES.
GO THROUGH THE DRIVE-INS AT ALL THE MACLANDS AROUND UNTIL YOU FIND ONE THAT'S
BEING STAFFED BY A GOOD LOOKING FEMALE. OFFER HER A RIDE. IF SHE DEMURS, GET
FED UP AND JUST ALL OF YOU JUMP ON AT ONCE, TIE HER UP, AND DRIVE AWAY. THE
MANAGER SHOULDN'T OBJECT, THOSE NIGHTTIME WORKERS GET LESS THAN MINIMUM WAGE
ANYWAY.
OKAY, THE DOWNTOWN AREA WILL NOW BE AVOIDED BY ALL FOR QUITE A WHILE. TIME TO
MOVE OUT TO THE RICH RESIDENTIAL AREA, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE BURBS.

                  @OO' PART FOUR: SUBURBIAN DISASTER @OO'
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OKAY, OUT IN THIS PART OF TOWN THERE ARE A LOT OF DOGS AND OLD LADIES, SO TURN
THE HEADLIGHTS DOWN LOW AND DRIVE SLOW. HERE, YOU HAVE TO BE VERY QUIET FOR THE
FIRST 90% OF YOUR MAYHEM SPREE, SO IT WILL GO UNNOTICED UNTIL YOU'RE READY TO
LEAVE. DON'T FRET, THERE ARE PLENTY OF QUIET THINGS TO DO. A PLASTIC GARBAGE BAG
MAKES ALMOST NO NOISE BEING SLICED OPEN, AND THE GARBAGE INSIDE CAN FALL ALL
OVER SOMEONE'S LAWN WITHOUT BEING HEARD. PAINT MAKES ALMOST NO NOISE BEING
APPLIED TO A HOUSE OR CAR, AND NEITHER DOES THE PLACEMENT OF MANY SHARP TINY
OBJECTS AROUND PEOPLE'S TIRES.
A REALLY MEAN THING TO DO IS FIND ONE OF THOSE HOUSES THAT HAVE A HUMONGOUS
GLASS WINDOW THAT COVERS ALMOST A WHOLE WALL, AND SPRAY PAINT EVERY INCH OF IT
IN JET BLACK, SO NO LIGHT CAN GET THROUGH. THAT'S THE MOST SPECTACULAR METHOD,
ANYHOW; IT CAN BE DONE JUST AS WELL OR BETTER BY PAINTING ALL THE WINDOWS BLACK.
THEN CUT THE POWER LINES TO THAT HOUSE SO THEIR ALARM DOESN'T GO OFF. THEN FIND
THEIR WATER PUMP (ALL SUBURBIANS HAVE ONE, AS THEY ARE VERY HEALTH-CONSCIOUS)
AND SPIKE IT WITH EQUAL PARTS OF DEMEROL, VALIUM, AND MARAX (A VERY POTENT
CNS DEPRESSANT).
FIND A HOUSE WITH KIDS; YOU CAN TELL THESE BY LOOKING IN THE GARAGE AND SEEING
A HE-MAN MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE CYCLE OR (EVEN WORSE, BUT YES, THEY DO EXIST)
A CABBAGE PATCH KID CYCLE. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO GOOD OL' GENERIC BIG WHEELS?
LOOK AROUND THROUGH WINDOWS UNTIL YOU FIND THE KIDDIES' ROOM. WRITE NASTY
WORDS IN REVERSE SO THEY CAN BE READ THE RIGHT WAY FROM INSIDE. TAPE UP CENTER
FOLDS FROM HUSTLER (OR PLAYGIRL FOR THE GALS).
NOW, AN OLD PERSON'S HOUSE. THESE ARE ALSO EASY TO FIND, THEY ARE THE ONES WITH
AN AMERICAN FLAG FLYING (TRASH IT, OR KEEP IT FOR ROOM DECORATION), ELABORATE
GARDENING SETS WITH NICE LITTLE ORDERLY PATTERNS OF DIFFERENT KINDS OF FLOWERS
(RIP THEM ALL OUT AND PLANT POT AND RAGWEED), QUAINT MOTTOS HANGING OVER THE
DOORWAY (REPLACE WITH "FUCK NEIGHBORS AND SALESMEN"), AND RADIAL TV ANTENNAS
(QUIETLY REMOVE AND KEEP FOR DECORATION OR NAIL ANIMAL BODIES TO THE SIDE OF A
HOUSE WITH IT).
ALL MELLOWED OUT NOW? NO? WELL, NOW THAT YOU'VE DONE ALL THIS, YOU DON'T WANT TO
LEAVE UNTIL YOU CAN SEE THE EXPRESSIONS ON THEIR FACES. A NICE TRIED-AND-TRUE
METHOD IS TO TAKE A REGULAR PHONE, AND HOOK IT UP TO AN EXTERNAL PLUG (BRING A
MODULAR ADAPTOR IF NECESSARY) AND CALL 911, SAYING WHATEVER YOU WANT. WHILE
YOU'RE WAITING FOR THE COPS TO ARRIVE, START AT ONE END OF THE STREET AND DRIVE
DOWN IT, TRAILING GAS ALL THE WAY. LIGHT THIS, AND START MAKING A LOT OF NOISE
(HONK THE CAR HORN, BREAK WINDOWS, SCREAM AND SHOUT, WHATEVER). DO THIS FOR AS
LONG AS YOU FEEL SAFE, THEN TAKE OFF, AND DISAPPEAR INTO THE NIGHT.

(I ALWAYS WAS ONE FOR DRAMATIC EXITS...)

(C) 1986
A THREE SHEETS TO THE WIND PRODUCTION

(> HREE SHEETS TO THE WIND PRODUCTION
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