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1994-10-20
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*-D-*-*-O-*-*-O-*-*-M-* I N S A N I T Y
Release v5.5 - STANDARD Revision
Written by: Hank Leukart (ap641@cleveland.freenet.edu)
"DOOM: Where the sanest place... is behind a trigger."
"DOOM: Such mayhem the likes of which have never
been witnessed in this particular dimension!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
============
INTRODUCTION
============
DOOM iNsAnItY started as a small joke in the first "Official" DOOM
FAQ v1.0. It slowly grew, and by v5.0 of the FAQ, it was almost 20% of
100k FAQ! I finally decided to release it as a seperate file. This will
probably be the last release of DOOM iNsAnItY, so enjoy it while you can!
=================
TABLE OF CONTENTS
=================
[1] Comedy
[1-1] A word from Douglas J. Bottoms
[1-2] DOOM: The Real Thing
[1-3] Beta-Tester's Joystick Sliced Off While Sleeping
at Computer!
[1-4] The Night Before DOOM
[1-5] You know you have been playing DOOM too long when...
[1-6] DOOM: Opening a door to hell
[2] Top Ten Lists
[2-1] Top Ten Things To Do While Waiting for DOOM
[2-2] Top Ten Things To Do Until DOOM Arrives
[2-3] Top Ten Things Being Removed From DOOM During Delay
[2-4] Top Ten Reasons DOOM Was Delayed
[2-5] Top Twenty Comments Made After DOOM's Release
[3] DOOM R.E.M.
[3-1] Pixelated Demons
[3-2] The Mythical Beta Releases
[3-3] You Don't Take MasterCard?!
-------------------
CHAPTER [1]: Comedy
-------------------
This is the chapter of DOOM iNsAnItY where free-form comedy
is written.
[1-1]: A word from Douglas J. Bottoms
=====================================
FOREWORD: Here's the first addition to DOOM iNsAnItY!
This was posted on comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.action on Thursday,
October 21, 1993. He speaks on a new game idea: id programmers
as bad guys in DOOM.
----------
Subject: NEW GAME! id programmers as bad guys in DOOM!
From: Douglas J. Bottoms <DBottoms@Lilly.Com>
Date: Thu Oct 21 10:00:02 1993
That's it!! I new twist on the game!!! The DOOM good guys are idle
gaming buffs who have finally cracked and can no longer wait for the
release of the only game that will make ALL OTHER games seem like PONG!
Blind Wolfenstein will no longer simmer the anger! They go slap-happy and
grab their multidimensional boots and gloves (with snazzy smooth shading)
and go to the id programmers' dungeon/lair. It will be a slaughter!
Pixilated programmers, peeved project leaders, panting personnel...the
works. The big bosses could be just that, the big bosses, especially the
one who just made a press release that DOOM would be delayed another few
months (this is make believe, of course - (squint) you aren't going to
delay the release (pant, pant); look into my eyes (o)(o) (imagine
reversing sound) and repeat after me, "I must release DOOM soon. I must
program, eat, sleep day and night." Mu who ha ha ha!).
Excuse my sanity. I get a bit zany when I get thinking about the soon to
be released game that will resolve the U.S.' Deficit and save the rats
from being beheaded on the space shuttle. I see the sun raising...
The thoughts expressed here are entirely my own and do not necessarily
reflect the thoughts of any other individual or group affiliated with Eli
Lilly and Company.
----------
[1-2]: DOOM: The Real Thing
===========================
FOREWORD: This messages was posted from gills@qucdn.queensu.ca on
Usenet in the group comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.action on Monday,
November 15, 1993. He has a new idea: playing DOOM in REAL LIFE!
----------
Howdy,
Yes, like all you DOOM fans I have been eagerly awaiting the release
date for this landmark game. Although I was very disappointed in the
release date being bumped up from 3rd quarter '93 to Dec 10, I limited my
anger and frustration to strangling my neighbour's cat (didn't like it much
anyways.... ;) ).
But, NOW I'm forced to read all the great stuff about the Beta
release that some people have been lucky enough to get their hands on.
....well, not FORCED to read it, but I can't help absorbing every bit of
information I can possibly locate. :)
I can't handle the fact that some people have tried the game now,
and I haven't, so I thought I might pull out my brass knuckles and 12 gauge
pump shotgun and start up a *REAL* DOOM game. I figured that I, and 3 other
frustrated DOOM awaiters, could meet up at an abandoned warehouse or
something and have a rip snortin' Death Match of our own. We could throw
some shotgun shells and ammo boxes randomly around the place, along with
some first-aid kits (fine for light grazes from perhaps a .22 calibre round
but not much good for a 12 gauge belly wound :) ) - then we go at it !!!
Granted, there won't be any monsters in this place, like there are
in DOOM, but I do have a pretty ugly cousin I could trick into coming; and
with a quick dunk in some gray paint I'm convinced he could bear a passable
resemblance to a gargoyle <G>.
So ....any takers? Heh, heh, heh.
Note: This a JOKE, only a joke....that's J-O-K-E..as in, I'm not serious.
If you are a certified nut-bar who would like to really try this out
don't bother calling me up....I get faint from tension just playing
Paintball :)
But, seriously...I CAN wait until Dec 10 to play DOOM but it's
getting pretty tense doing the waiting game. I guess in the mean time I can
go pick up some Depends (adult diapers) and some I.V. supplies so I'll be
prepared on Dec 10 to stay on the computer playing DOOM steadily until I
collapse from exhaustion.
Of course if a copy of Beta-DOOM *DID* happen to make it's way to
me, I would still download the shareware version and register/pay for the
full release.
I swear I would....really...I promise....scout's honor...anyone?..anyone?
OK, so sue me, I had to ask. :)
P.S. If this game is good as it's suppose to be, I'm gonna name my first
born child "ID".... IDDY?...IDarina?...IDI-Sue?....
----------
[1-3]: Beta-Tester's Joystick Sliced Off While Sleeping at Computer!
====================================================================
FOREWORD: I received this piece of hilarious E-mail from
John Romero. This was written by Douglas Howell (one of the DOOM
Beta-testers) when id decided to axe the entire Beta-tester list and start
from scratch. Douglas Howell will be reinstated as a Beta-tester, as
soon as his "joystick" heals. :) Let the Bobbitt saga continue!
----------
NEWSFLASH: Beta tester's joystick sliced off while sleeping
at computer!
At a news conference today, a beta tester of software said that he had
fallen asleep while testing a game for id Software, developers of the
best-seliing game Wolfenstein 3D. Awaking in the middle of the night,
he looked down and to his horror discovered that three-fourths of his
joystick had been sliced cleanly off. When questioned, id Software
admitted to doing the deed and charged that the beta tester was a
two-timer. Id spokesman Shawn Green stated-- "What was done had to be
done. Id was definitely not satisfied by this guy's performance. All he
cared about was taking software and sticking it into other people's hard
drives!".
The severed joystick was later found by police on a street corner.
Apparently id had fled the scene with the sliced piece still in hand and
tossed it out a car window. Surgeons have since sewn the stick back on,
but it seems to malfunction whenever playing id's beta software.
Doctors predict that the joystick should perform normally again by
December 10th.
----------
[1-4]: The Night Before DOOM
============================
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