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65 The Unregistered Comedy Collection Vol. 1 ***JOKE*** It's not the minutes spent at the table that makes one fat...it's the seconds. ***JOKE*** Definition of a pickle: A cucumber soured by a jarring experience. ***JOKE*** Mama corn to baby corn...the stalk brought you. ***JOKE*** Dieters are people who are thick and tired of it. ***JOKE*** A dieting woman commented, "I'm finally down to what I never wanted to get up to." ***JOKE*** Waiter: Would you like your coffee black? Customer: What other colors do you have? ***JOKE*** I used to have an hour glass figure, but the sand shifted. ***JOKE*** HOW I USED MY NEW BOX OF SHELLS Shot # 1 Missed target completely at 100 yards. Rifle needed sighted in. Shot # 2 Hit target in lower right-hand corner--from 10 yards. Shot # 3 Bull's-eye--after getting rifle back from gunsmith who sighted it in. Shot # 4 Accidentally pulled trigger while loading rifle in vehicle, will repair transmission when I get home. Shot # 5 Fired into air to signal start of drive. Fined $200 by game warden for killing a turkey. Shot # 6 The excitement of seeing my first deer caused me to fire before rifle was to my shoulder--I only had to replace left boot. Shot # 7 Missed deer completely, not so sure about cow across the field. Shot # 8 To clean mud from barrel after falling over cliff while being chased by farmer. Now I'm sure about cow. Shot # 9 Slipped and fell while crossing stream. Buddy says I'll have to replace his hunting cap and also pay for having his underwear washed. Shot # 10 Forgot can opener. Opened a can of pork and beans. The few beans that were left tasted too much like gunpowder to eat them. Shot # 11 Shot too low at deer, glanced off rock and wounded a chipmunk. Shot # 12 Finished off wounded chipmunk. Shot # 13 Checked scope again, hit big bucket hanging on pole. Hope people get electricity back soon. Shot # 14 At deer moving through brush, I'd never heard some of the words that it used. Shot # 15 To check scope again after being hit on the head with my own rifle. Shot # 16 Knocked buck down but didn't go to claim it when game warden tried to arrest a nearby hunter for killing a doe. Shot # 17 Gun accidentally fired while dragging it under fence. Have to replace right boot now. Shot # 18 Won a $1.00 bet from buddy who said I couldn't hit a junked car on other hill. Hot radiators sure do make a lot of steam. Shot # 19 Killed running buck with 3-inch spike at 625 yards. It takes skill to be a good hunter. Shot # 20 Save till I get home and use it on a mouse in my pantry. ***JOKE*** Judge: Have you anything to offer this court before I pass sentence? Defendant: Nope. My lawyer took every last penny. ***JOKE*** Judge: Where were you between five and six? Defendant: In kindergarten! ***JOKE*** Judges don't always seem to make sense. A man found himself in front of a judge on two matters. In the first, the man's wife was trying to get a divorce because he was impotent. In the second, his secretary wanted child support. The man lost both cases! ***JOKE*** She was on trial for having shot her husband. She'd been found with the smoking gun in her hand. But the jury let her go because she was a widow! ***JOKE*** The clerk at the motor vehicle bureau asked the lady applicant, "Have you ever driven before?" The lady said, "Fifty thousand miles, but not from the front seat!" ***JOKE*** One lady driver said it all. "The thing I hate most about parking is that noisy crash!" ***JOKE*** Two very rich people got divorced, and their lawyers lived happily ever after. ***JOKE*** Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. ***JOKE*** Clothes don't necessarily make the man, but a good suit makes a lawyer. ***JOKE*** A valiant young sportsman named Fisher Once fished from the edge of a fissure. A fish with a grin Pulled the fisherman in; Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher! ***JOKE*** An Instructor's guide to Murphy's Law. 1. Good students move away. 2. New students come from schools that do not teach anything. 3. The teachers' lounge will be in the worst room of the school. It will contain dusty furniture and one noisy mimeograph machine. 4. The shorter the working time, the more the mimeograph will malfunction. 5. The clock in the instructor's room will be wrong. 6. The school board will make a better pay offer before the teacher's union negotiates. 7. When the instructor is late, he will meet the principal in the hall. If the instructor is late and does not meet the principal, the instructor is late to the faculty meeting. 8. Children who touch the instructor will have scabies or bubonic plague. 9. When speaking to the school psychologist, the teacher will say "weirdo" rather than "emotionally disturbed". 10. Disaster will occur when visitors are in the room. 11. The time a teacher takes in explaining is inversely proportional to the information retained by students. 12. Students who are blind, deaf and/or behavioral problems will sit in the back of the room. 13. Extra-duty nights will occur when the best shows are on TV. 14. The problem child will be a school board member's son. 15. The instructor's study hall be the largest in several years. 16. The administration will view the study hall as the teacher's preparation time. 17. Students who are doing better are credited with working harder. If children start to do poorly, the teacher will be blamed. 18. Extracurricular duties will take more preparation time than classes. 19. A meeting's length will be directly proportional to the boredom the speaker produces. 20. Clocks will run more quickly during free time. 21. On a test day, at least 15% of the class will be absent. 22. If the instructor teaches art, the principal will be an ex-coach and will dislike art. If the instructor is a coach, the principal will be an ex-coach who took a winning team to the state. 23. A subject interesting to the teacher will bore students. 24. Murphy's Law will go into effect at the beginning of an evaluation. ***JOKE*** An old Irish man is lying in bed, very ill. His son is sitting at his bedside, expecting the end to come at any moment. The old man looks up at the boy and says, "Son, it's time for you to get me a Protestant minister." The son is astounded. "But, Dad!" he protests, "You've been a good Catholic all your life! You're delirious. It's a priest ye be wanting now, not a minister." The old man looks up at him and says, "Son, please. It's me last request. Get a minister for me!" "But, Dad," cries the son, "Ye raised me a good Catholic. You've been a good Catholic all your life. Ye don't want a minister at a time like this!" The old man manages to croak out the words, "Son, if you respect me and love me as a father, you'll go out and get me a Protestant minister right now." The son relents and goes out and gets the minister. They come back to the house, and the minister goes upstairs and converts him. As the minister is leaving the house, he passes Father O'Malley coming quickly through the door. The minister stares solemnly into the eyes of the priest. "I'm afraid you're too late, Father," he says. "He's a Protestant now." Father O'Malley rushes up the steps and bursts into the old man's room. "Pat! Pat! Why did ye do it?" he cries. "You were such a good Catholic! We went to St. Mary's together! You were there when I performed my first mass! Why in the world would ye do such a thing like this?" "Well," the old man says as he looks up at his dear friend. "I figured if somebody had to go, it was better one of *them* than one of *us*." ***JOKE*** A young woman was sitting on the bus cooing her baby when a drunk staggered aboard and down the aisle. Stopping in front of her, he looked down and pronounced, "Lady, that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen." The woman burst into tears and there was such an outcry of sympathy among the other passengers that they kicked the drunk off. But the woman kept on sobbing and wailing so loudly that finally the driver pulled the bus over to the side of the road. "Look, I don't know what the bum said to you, "the driver told his inconsolable passenger, "but to help calm you down I'm going to get you a cup of tea." And off he went, coming back shortly with a cup of tea from the corner deli. "Now calm down, Lady," soothed the driver, "everything is going to be OK. See, I brought you a cup of nice, hot tea, and I even got a banana for your pet monkey!" ***JOKE*** While working on a FMEA an EE from IEEE called to ask about FMVSS-124 spec's. So I grabbed my SAE file ASAP and hopped an the MAX to IBM. On the way I saw some friends from ASME who had been at the CIM show. They saw FEA running on NT, and UNIX on a PC running CAD. Only problem is that their CAM only runs in DOS. Anyway it turns out that the EE was asking for an ME at GM who had a PE but didn't know FMVSS well. So we swapped stories about CE's and IE's trying to understand SPC. ***JOKE*** Q: What's a good way to get your wife mad while you are having sex? A: Call her up! ***JOKE*** SPIFFY VOOM FAX 2001 MODEL 501SP INSTRUCTION MANUAL =================================================== Congratulations! You have just purchased the Spiffy Voom FAX 2001 MODEL 501SP! It not only allows you to send and receive faxes, it will take voice messages on the internal answering machine, make color photocopies of important documents like this manual, grill hot dogs, fry eggs, dry your hair, replace your alarm clock, and attend school or work on your behalf! Some of the options (hot dog grilling and egg frying) require the Spiffy Voom CSPU20027-1 interface available for a modest fee of slightly less than the national debt. How to work the SPIFFY VOOM FAX 2001 MODEL 501SP: Plug it in. If it doesn't work, then you're obviously doing something wrong. Remove the plug from the outlet in your left ear and try plugging it into a wall socket while holding your other hand in a bowl of water. If several zillion volts of electricity course through your body, then the equipment is working satisfactorily. Turn it on. A red LED display will appear by the button that says "Answer." If the red LED display does not appear, we probably sold you a defective product but there's not much point in trying to return it since we'll simply ignore you until the warranty expires or Hell freezes over - whichever comes first. Hit the button that says "Fax." This will enable you to send faxes if the red LED display is on. If the red LED display is not on, pressing the "Fax" button will probably cause the machine to explode and kill you. Programming numbers into your machine is accomplished by calling our customer service department who will explain it much better than a goon who's writing a manual about a product he understands nothing about. WARRANTY: The SPIFFY VOOM FAX 2001 MODEL 501SP is guaranteed to work for as long as the box remains sealed. Under no circumstances should you open the box but if you do, KEEP THIS PRODUCT AWAY FROM ELECTRICITY AT ALL TIMES. ***JOKE*** Ever wonder what the resume for God would look like? In this day and age, everyone's having to look for a job. This is an idea of what God's resume would look like if he were to apply at a computer firm. RESUME FOR GOD God, creator and sustainer of all life, has an eternity of experience in every aspect of everything, including systems design and integration and local area networking. SPECIFIC EXPERIENCE AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS God was solely responsible for the development of every standard, protocol, method, language and type of microprocessor in existence. God has absolute and complete knowledge of every detail of anything even remotely connected to computers and data processing, as well as everything else. God practices structured programming, and uses "go tos" only in reference to Hell. God has extensive supervisory and leadership experience, and has led teams of over one billion persons in such major projects as the establishment of civilization and the development of organized religion. OTHER EXPERIENCE God's experience extends from beyond the beginning of time. During this period God separated the light from the darkness, created the earth, planets and stars, established the firmament and the waters of the oceans, and created all the green plants and living things. Later, God created human life, which many consider to be one of God's most significant accomplishments. TECHNICAL BACKGROUND God is thoroughly familiar with every type of computer, every operating system, every programming language, every communications system, and every application that has been or will be developed, including Microsoft Windows. EDUCATION God holds an honorary Doctorate in Comparative Religions from Oral Roberts University, as well as current teaching certificates for IBM's Programmer Productivity seminars. SALARY REQUIREMENTS Seeking 10 - 15% increase. ***JOKE*** Doctor: "I've got bad and worse news for you" Patient: "What's the bad news?" Doctor: "Your tests came back negative and you've 24 hours to live." Patient: "What's the worse news?" Doctor: "I was golfing yesterday and forgot to phone you." ***JOKE*** Tourists picked up a 9 year old boy walking along a dirt road, soaked to the skin and very cold. "How did this happen," they asked. "Well every night my ole man drives me down to the lake and rows out to the middle and throws me in. I have to swim to shore and walk all the way home." "That's got to be hard on a little fellow like you." "Nah", he says, "Gettin outta the bag is the hard part." ***JOKE*** After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast! ***JOKE*** Karate makes sense. If you practice breaking boards in half, you'll be able to protect yourself the next time a board attacks you! ***JOKE*** I have a black belt in karate. It's not that I'm good, it's just that I never wash it! ***JOKE*** Did you hear of the poor black-belt karate champ who broke his hand trying to cut a Christmas fruitcake in half? ***JOKE*** Famous last words in Las Vegas....Give me the money I told you not to give me! ***JOKE*** I went to Las Vegas last week for laughs. In one day I laughed away my car! ***JOKE*** In Las Vegas they give you odds you'll never get even! ***JOKE*** There was a statistician who was desperately afraid to fly because of the possibility of a bomb on the airplane. He did a great deal of research and found that there had never been *two* bombs on an airplane. So, he just took a bomb with him when flying. ***JOKE*** Q: Who's Americas most famous mountaineer? A: Tom Arnold. ***JOKE*** Unhappy at the state of Junior's room, his mother came up with a new rule. Each time she had to pick something up off the floor of his room, Junior would have to pay her a dime. At the end of the week, she added up the chores and demanded ninety cents. Junior paid her and said, "Thanks, Ma. Keep up the good work!" ***JOKE*** New York is often acclaimed as the most exciting city in America in which to drive. Who would argue? Herewith, for newcomers and visitors, are a few basic rules of the road for driving in these parts: - To obtain a general idea of how to drive in New York, go to a Knicks game and carefully watch the fast break. Then get behind the wheel of your car and practice it. - Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding. - When in doubt, accelerate. - In the long run, parking your car in a lot is always cheaper than parking it at a meter. - Drivers whose cars sport "I Brake For Animals" bumper stickers may brake for animals, but they may not brake for you. Watch it. - Never drive behind a person whose head doesn't reach the top of the steering wheel. - Teenage drivers believe they are immortal. Don't yield to the temptation to teach them otherwise. - Taxicabs should always have the right of way, unless you are bent on suicide. - Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car. - The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it. - Learn to swerve abruptly. New York is the home of slalom driving, thanks to the Registry of Motor Vehicles, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes. - Steer clear of people with antinuclear bumper stickers pasted on their cars. They are interested in preserving mankind, which is admirable. They are not necessarily interested in preserving you, or themselves, for that matter. They have more important things to think about. - Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work. - Double-park in the North End of New York, unless triple- parking is available. - Always look both ways when running a red light. - While it is possible to fit a 15-foot car into a 15-foot parking space, it is seldom possible to fit a 16-foot car into a 15-foot parking space. Sad but true. - There is no such thing as a short cut during rush-hour traffic in New York. - It is traditional in New York to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. - Never put your faith in signs that purport to provide directions. They are put there to confuse people who don't know their way around the city. - Use extreme caution when pulling into breakdown lanes. Breakdown lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during rush hour. - Never use directional signals, since they only confound and distract other New York drivers, who are not used to them. - Similarly, never attempt to give hand signals. New York drivers, unused to such courtesies, will think you are making obscene gestures to them. This could be very bad for you in New York. - The yellow light is not, as commonly supposed outside the New York area, a signal to slow down. It is a warning to speed up and get through the intersection before the light turns red. - Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. - In making a left turn from the right lane, employ the element of surprise. That is, do it as suddenly as possible, so as to stun other drivers. - Speed limits are arbitrary figures posted only to make you feel guilty. - Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to insure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. - Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary. - Above all, keep moving. Good luck -- you'll need it!. ***JOKE*** Competition for the market is keen among the New York newspapers. Not long ago, a famous actress was hospitalized. Looking for a scoop, the POST sent a lady reporter out to get the story. She was to dress up as a nurse, sneak into the hospital, and interview the actress. The next day the reporter returned to the office. Her editor asked, "Did you get the story?" The lady reporter said, "No. I got thrown out by the doctor from the DAILY NEWS!" ***JOKE*** The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor. To check on the young man's response to trouble, the psychiatrist asked, "What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down the street?" The baby sailor said, "I'd grab a torpedo and sink it." "Where would you get the torpedo?" "The same place you got your battleship!" ***JOKE*** A country preacher sold a mule to a friend, and told him the mule was trained to go when the rider said "Praise the Lord," and to stop when the rider said, "Amen." The buyer mounted the beast and commanded, "Praise the Lord," and the mule shot off like a rocket. The startled rider panicked. "Whoa!" he screamed. The mule was headed straight for a cliff. "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" At the last second he remembered the minister's instructions. "Amen!" he shouted and the mule screeched to a halt right at the edge of the cliff. As the new owner peered over the precipice, he wiped his brow and sighed, "Praise the Lord!" ***JOKE*** How To Identify Professors: Chemistry Professor: Wears a white lab coat. This may actually be clean but does not have to be. Practical Chemistry professor have a brand new coat that has never been in the lab. Polymer Chemistry professors have strange glop on their coat, and Introductory Chemistry professors have acid holes. Physics Professor: Wears blue jeans and a flannel shirt. May sometimes forget to wear shirt altogether. If a professor is wearing blue jeans and suspenders, ten to one he is a physicist. Physics professors often have German accents, but this is not a distinguishing characteristic. Be wary of psychologists with fake Viennese accents which can sound similar to the unwary. Biology Professor: Sometimes wears a lab coat, though usually this is the sign of a biochemist. Marine biologists walk around in hip boots for no explainable reason, even in the middle of winter. They are apt to wear gray slacks and smell like fish, as opposed to most biologists, who smell strongly of formaldehyde. Microbiology instructors go around in spotless white coats, refuse to drink beer on tap, and wipe all their silverware before using it. Never loan money to a Biology Professor, no matter how much he asks. Psychology Professor: Psychologists are not real scientists, and can be easily identified by their screams of protest whenever anyone questions whether Psychology is a science. Psychology people have beady little eyes and don't laugh at jokes about psychology. If you are not sure whether a person is a scientist or a comparative religion instructor, he is probably a psychologist. Computer Science Professor: Most Computer Science Professors are from India or Pakistan. You can tell by the gestures and accents. This is not a bad thing, though many of the American Computer Science professors tend to pick up Indian accents which confounds more specific identification. Like mushrooms, Computer Science students only come out at night, and, if not Indian, tend to take on a pasty appearance. Computer Science Professors do not use computers and therefore can be easily identified by their comparative good health with respect to their students. Many Computer Science Professors do not even know how to use computers, and are actually mathematicians or psychologists in disguise. Avoid these people. Math Professor: Math Professors are like Physics Professors except without any practical bent. A Math Professor will have only books and pencils in his office, as opposed to the piles of broken equipment that Physicists keep. Mathematicians scorn the use of computers and calculators and often have difficulty splitting bills in restaurants. The easy way to identify a Mathematician is by the common use of the phrases "It can be shown that..." and "Is left as an exercise to the student..." ***JOKE*** Once again the female staff will be offering to men of any marital status the following seminars: 1. Combating Stupidity 2. You Too Can Do Housework 3. P.M.S.-Learning When to Keep Your Mouth Shut 4. How to Fill an Icetray 5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas-Give us Money 6. Understanding the Female Response to you Coming in Drunk at 4 a.m. 7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formally called "Don't Wash My Silks") 8. Parenting- No, It doesn't End with Conception 9. Get a Life-Learn How to Cook 10. How Not to Act Like a Jerk When You're Obviously Wrong 11. Spelling-Even YOU Can Get it Right 12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence 13. You-The Weaker Sex 14. Reasons to Give Flowers 15. How to Stay Awake after Sex 16. Why It Is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom. 17. Garbage-Getting it to the Curb 18. Sex 101-You Can Fall Asleep without it if You Really Try Sex 201-The Morning Dilemma-If It's "Awake", Take a Shower 19. The Weekend and Sports are Not Synonymous 20. How to Put the Toilet Seat Down 21. How to Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Get Lost 22. The Remote Control-Overcoming Your Dependency 23. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes 24. How Not to Act Younger than Your Children 25. You too can be a Designated Driver 26. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked!! 27. Changing Your Underwear-It Really Works 28. The Attainable Goal-Omitting #s!*! from your Vocabulary 29. Fluffing the Blankets after Farting is not Necessary 30. Real Men Ask Directions ***JOKE*** THE SAGA OF MANAGEMENT REVIEW OF WRITING STYLE ---------------------------------------------- QUESTION: How many feet do mice have? Original reply: Mice have four feet. Management comment: Elaborate! Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet. Comment: No discussion of fifth appendage! Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet and one is a tail. Comment: What? Feet with no legs? Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet and one tail per unit-mouse. Comment: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages? Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body. Comment: Does not fully discuss the issue! Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot. Comment: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful? NO! Revision 6: Allotment appendages for mice will be: Four leg-foot assemblies, one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets. Comment: Too authoritative; stifles creativity! Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and ornamental in nature. Comment: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question! FINAL REVISION APPROVED BY MANAGEMENT: Mice have four feet. ***JOKE*** A pastor wanted to be "trendy" and "appeal to the youth". So he decided to preach a sermon which took all of its illustrations from surf boarding. He spent a week preparing the message, and was pretty pleased with the results. However, his wife was considerably less enthusiastic. On Sunday morning she refused to accompany him to church and said, "Merle, if you're gonna preach about surf boarding, I'm not gonna sit in the congregation and be embarrassed." The pastor walked to church and decided that perhaps his wife was right. So he preached a sermon on Christian views of sex - what was and was not appropriate behavior for Christians. Not wanting to admit to his wife that she was right (No husband ever admits his wife was right if he can help it.), the pastor said nothing of his changed sermon. A couple days later the wife was grocery shopping and met a member of the congregation. The member commented, "That was a magnificent sermon that Merle preached last week. I bet he must really be good at it! <lewd wink>" And the pastor's wife replied, "Not really. He's one of the worst I've ever seen, but he seems to enjoy it. ***JOKE*** YOU KNOW YOU HAVE BEEN WORKING WITH YOUNG CHILDREN TOO LONG WHEN: While riding on the city bus, you announce as you get off "the left side was better behaved than the right side" The new vice-principal says, "Hi, you taught me in grade 3" When the bank cashier points out that you printed your signature You tell your bridge partner to sit up straight You tell your dinner guests to put their hands on their heads when they are ready for dessert. Before dinner company comes, you sharpen all the pencils in the house and cut the serviettes in half. You print the invitations to your daughter's wedding. You don't begin speaking at a party until everyone is quiet. People begin to finish your sentences for you because you can't think of a small enough word to use that everyone will understand. You plan your March break around report cards that you need to write. You ask the people beside you at the movie theater about the movie to make sure they're watching. Anytime you hear ex-student names like Jason, Jonathan or Jennifer, your blood pressure begins to rise. Someone asks you the name of the person you admire most and you name a character from Winnie-the-Pooh. One of your students mistakenly calls you Grandma, instead of Mommy. While reading the latest novel, you make a list of good questions to ask. The ditto ink on your fingers doesn't come off anymore. ***JOKE*** Once this psychical investigator was examining a haunted house, when suddenly a ghost appeared. The investigator asked if he could take its picture, and the ghost agreed. Unfortunately, however, when the nega- tives were developed they were blank. It seems the spirit was willing but the flash was weak. ***JOKE*** Q. What does a Harley and a German Shepherd have in common? A. They both like to ride in the back of pick-up trucks. Q: What is the best way to kill Barney? A: Tell Fred that he is fooling around with Wilma. Q: Heard about the computer programmer who got stuck in the shower? A: He took the directions on the bottle of shampoo too literally: "Lather, rinse, repeat!" ***JOKE*** For weeks a six-year-old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year-old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!" ***JOKE*** On his first night in the "Big House" a convict becomes confused when, after `Lights Out', other prisoners in the cell block occasionally call-out numbers. "Forty-four!", followed by a round of laughter from the block. "One sixty eight!", more laughter and a few guffaws. "Three hundred thirty seven!!", the laughter continues for some time. The convict turns to his cell mate and asks, "Why is everyone laughing at numbers?" The cell mate says, "Most of us have been here so long, we've already heard and memorized all the jokes. So we assigned each joke a number. Now, to tell a joke, all we have to do is sing- out it's number." The convict replies, "Hey, that's great! I'm gonna try!" The convict yells, "Sixty three!", and is answered by silence. He tries, "Two hundred fourteen," again, silence. Befuddled, he cries out, "Three oh eight!!!" The silence looms ominously. He turns to his cell mate and says, "I don't get it, I called out the numbers, but nobody laughed!" The man replies, "Hey, some guys just don't know how to tell a good joke!" ***JOKE*** Ken: There's nothing like getting up at five in the morning and taking an ice-cold shower and a five-mile jog before breakfast. Bob: How long have you been doing this? Ken: I start tomorrow. ***JOKE*** TOP TEN REASONS SANTA'S ASKING FOR A RAISE 10. The hours, the weather, the trend toward smaller chimneys. 9. Nike won't give him a lucrative side-contract. 8. Reindeer and elves have unionized, driving up his cost. 7. New tax on flying sleighs. 6. Insurance for flying a sleigh has tripled over the past two years. 5. Needs extra cash to cover off-season gambling losses. 4. Air traffic controllers demanding higher kickbacks. 3. Cost of living increase at the North Pole. 2. Children don't leave as many cookies as they used to. And the number one reason is........ 1. The Mrs. told him to. ***JOKE*** Did you hear about Glena Zimmerman? She got involved in the women's lib movement and changed her name to Glena Zimmerperson. ***JOKE*** A girl involved with the women's lib movement boarded a crowded bus and one man rose to his feet. "No, you must not give up your seat. I insist," she said. "You may insist as much as you like, Lady," was the reply. "This is my stop." ***JOKE*** A Dieter's Christmas Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there While Mama in her my girdle and I in chin straps had just settled down to sugar-borne naps When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash tore open the icebox then threw up the sash The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow sent thoughts of a binge to my body below When what to my wandering eyes should appear: a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox From the top of the scales to the top of the hall now dash away pounds now dash away all Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress my clothes were all bulging from too much excess My droll little mouth and my round little belly they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly I spoke not a word but went straight to my work ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk And laying a finger beside my heartburn I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry if temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by And I mumbled again as I turned for the night in the morning I'll starve... 'til I take that first bite! ***JOKE*** Three Indian squaws were sitting around the campfire, bragging. The first squaw says, "My son is a good hunter!" And to prove it, she points to a bear hide one her teepee and says, "My son tracked the bear, killed it and then skinned it and gave me the hide!" The next squaw says, "My son is an excellent hunter!" And to prove it she points over to her teepee where a buffalo hide is hanging, and she says, "My son tracked the buffalo, and not just the weakest one in the herd, but the strongest one, forced it out of the herd, killed it, skinned it and then gave the hide to me!" The third squaw, not to be outdone, says "I myself am as good a hunter as your two sons put together!" To prove it she points to a hippopotamus hide on her teepee. "I had to first find a hippopotamus, and you know how rare they are around here, then kill it (which wasn't easy because their skins are so tough), then skin it (which took four knives, because their skins are soooo tough)." The moral of the story: the squaw of the hippopotamus hide is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. ***JOKE*** The priest and the rabbi were on a plane flying across the ocean when the plane developed engine trouble. Everyone was doomed. The priest turned to the rabbi and said, "Before I die there's something that I would like to know. You being Jewish and all, Have you ever tasted ham?" Well the rabbi laughed and said, "Sure I've tasted ham, but tell me father, before we die could you tell me if you have ever made love to a woman?" The priest blushed and said, "There was this one time I gave in and made love to a woman." The rabbi looked at the priest and said, "Sure beats the hell out of ham. Don't it?". ***JOKE*** Two ninety year old Jewish men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. Well, it seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him. "Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives. Sam, you got do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to tell me if there's baseball in heaven." Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says, "Moe, you've been my friend many years. This favor I'll do for you." And with that, Sam passes on. It is midnight a couple nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, "Moe....Moe...." "Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Moe, it Sam." "Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died." "I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!" "Sam? Is that you? Where are you?" "I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some good news and some bad news for you." "Tell me the good news first," says Moe. "The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven." "Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! But what's the bad news?" "You're pitching Tuesday!" ***JOKE*** A Chinese man who doesn't speak much English applies for a job with a construction company. "Do you know carpentry?" asked the employer. "No," answered the Chinese man. "Do you know plumbing?" asked the employer. "No," replied the Chinese man. "Do you know bricklaying?" "No." "Well, I'm short of staff and really need people, so maybe I can put you in charge of supplies." "Okay!" The Chinese man beamed with delight. A week later, the employer realized he hadn't seen the Chinese man since he hired him. As he walked around the site, he wondered if perhaps the guy had quit work. Suddenly, from around the corner jumped the Chinese man with a squirt gun. "Supplies!" he yelled. ***JOKE*** An American, a Mexican and an Italian were robbing a bank. And it happened that they got a lot of cash in Dollars, Pesos and Liras. Back in their hiding place the American distributed the money to three even shares. "1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you" "1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you" "1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you" etc. The Mexican told the Italian: " Well I can't stand these Yankees, but I have to admit they are honest." ***JOKE*** During the filming of a shoestring production in a Kansas town, the director dreamed up a method for getting a realistic street fight at virtually no expense. "See that couple coming down the avenue?" he asked the leading man. "Go up and insult his wife. When her husband winds up to sock you, we'll start the camera rolling." As instructed, the actor accosted the husband, demanding, "Is this dame your wife?" "She certainly is," bristled the man. "Why?" "Because," sneered the actor, "she's about the homeliest dish I've ever laid eyes on." This was the moment when the husband turned to his wife and exulted, "See? What did I tell you?" ***JOKE*** A very ugly girl was sitting alone at the beach, when the waves washed a bottle to her feet. She opened it....and out blew a huge genie in a billow of smoke. "I've been a prisoner in this bottle for five thousand years," cried the genie, "and now you've freed me! As a reward, I will fulfill any wish you make." Ecstatic, the ugly girl announced, "I want a figure like Sophia Loren, a face like Elizabeth Taylor, and legs like Ginger Rogers." The genie looked her over carefully, then sighed, "Baby, just put me back in the bottle!" ***JOKE*** Tired of asking the same old questions of the day's arrivals, Saint Peter decided to ask about their automobiles. When asked what kind of car he'd driven, one said, "A Toyota." Saint Peter pushed a button and the applicant fell through a hole into the fiery depths below. A second drove a Mercedes. He too went down through the hole. A third said, "I drove a Chevy." Saint Peter opened the gates wide. "Come on in," he said. " You've been through hell already!" ***JOKE*** Mrs. Abercrombie was unhappy with the way Elena the maid cleaned. Finding a layer of dust on the dining room table, she started to chew out the maid. Elena said, "I'm a better cook than you. I clean house better than you." "Who told you that?" "Mr. Abercrombie. I'm better in bed than you too." Mrs. Abercrombie sneered and said, "I suppose my husband told you that too." "No. The gardener!" ***JOKE*** Winters are fierce in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman. Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the landlord asked, "Didn't you like the muffs?" The foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty." Why don't you wear them?" The foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day, but somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didn't hear him!" ***JOKE***