Hall of Fame/HallofFameCDROM.cdr/other/mnapr91.lzh/NEW

Text File | 1991-02-22 | 15KB | 409 lines

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                     Babbage - The Language of the Future

Babbage is based on language elements that were discovered after the design
of ADA was completed.  For instance, C. A. R.  Hare, in his 1980 Turing Award
lecture, told of two ways of constructing a software design, "One way is to
make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other way
is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies."

The designers of Babbage have chosen a third alternative - a language that
has only obvious deficiencies.  Babbage programs are so unreliable that
maintenance can begin before system integration is completed.  This  guaran-
tees a steady increase in the DP job marketplace.

Structured languages banned GOTOs and multiway conditional branches by
replacing them with the simpler IF-THEN-ELSE structure.  Babbage has a number
of new conditional statements that act like termites in the structure of your
program.








WhatIf:             Used in simulation.  Branches before evaluating test
                    conditions.

OrElse:             Conditional threat as in : "Add these two numbers OR
                    ELSE!"

WhyNot:             Executes the code that follows in a devil-may-care Fash-
                    ion.

WhoElse:            Used for polling during I/O operations.

Elsewhere:          This is where your program really is when you think its
                    here.

GoingGoingGone:     For writing unstructured programs. Takes a random branch
                    to  another part of your program.  Does the work of 10
                    GOTOs.



For years, programming languages have used "For", "Do Until", "Do While",
etc. to mean "loop".  Continuing with this trend, Babbage offers the  follow-
ing loop statements :

Don't Do While Not: This loop is not executed if the test condition is not
                    false (or if it's Friday afternoon) .

Didn't Do:          The loop executes once and hides all traces.

Can't Do:           The looped is pooped.

Won't Do:           The CPU halts because it doesn't like the code inside the
                    loop.  Execution can be resumed by typing "May I" at the
                    console.

Might Do:           Depends on how the CPU is feeling. Executed if the CPU is
                    "up",  not executed if the CPU is "down", or if it feel-
                    ings are hurt.

Do Unto Others:     Used to write the main loop for timesharing systems so
                    that they will antagonize all users in a uniform manner.

DOWAH:              Used to write timing loops for computer-generated music.

Every self-respecting structured language has a case statement to implement
multiway branching.Algol offers an indexed case statement and Pascal has a
labelled case statement.  Not much of a choice. Babbage offer a variety of
case statements :

Just-In-Case STMT:            For handling afterthoughts and fudge factors.
                              Allows  you to multiply by zero to correct for
                              accidentally dividing by zero.

The Brief Case STMT:          To encourage portable software.

The Open & Shut Case STMT:    No proof of correctness is necessary

The In Any Case STMT:         This one always works.

The Hopeless Case STMT:       This one never works.

The Basket Case STMT:         A really hopeless case.

The Babbage Language Design Group is continuously evaluating new features
that will keep it users from reaching any level of effectiveness.  For
instance, Babbage's designers are now considering the Almost Equals Sign used
for comparing two floating point numbers.  This new feature "takes the worry
out of even being close".

                        NEW LANGUAGES COMPETE WITH APL

       A Usually Reliable Source...
       Digital Equipment Corporation...
       Somewhere in New England...

APL, BASIC, FORTRAN, COBOL,... these programming languages are well known and
(more or less) well loved throughout the computer industry. There are
numerous other languages, however, that are less well known yet still have
ardent devotees. In fact, these little-known languages generally have the
most fanatic admirers. For those who wish to know more about these obscure
languages -- and why they are obscure -- we present the following:

SIMPLE:   SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
          Linguistic  Environment. This language, developed at Hanover College
          for Technological  Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to
          write code with errors in it.  The statements are, therefore,
          confined to BEGIN, END, and STOP. No matter  how you arrange the
          statements, you can't make a syntax error.

          Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. They thus achieve the
          results  of programs written in other languages without the tedious,
          frustrating  process of testing and debugging.








SLOBOL:   SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
          Although  many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
          compile, SLOBOL  compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick
          the coffee. Forty-three  programmers are known to have died of
          boredom sitting at their terminals  while waiting for a SLOBOL
          program to compile.

VALGOL:   From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando
          Valley,  VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across
          the industry.

          VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW. Variables
          are  assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other operators
          include the  California Booleans, FERSURE and NOWAY. Repetitions of
          code are handled in  FOR - SURE loops. Here is a sample VALGOL
          program:






                     LIKE Y*KNOW (I MEAN) START
                     IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND
                     B =LIKE TUBULAR AND
                     C =LIKE GRODY**MAX
                          THEN

                               FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH MAYBE 100
                                    DOWAH - (DITTY**2)
                                    BARF(I) =TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)

                               SURE
                                    LIKE BAG THIS PROBLEM
                               REALLY
                                    LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW)

     VALGOL is characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For example,
     when  the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
     message:  GAG ME WITH A SPOON!






LAIDBACK: Historically, VALGOL is a derivative of LAIDBACK, which was devel-
          oped at the  (now defunct) Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, Mellow-
          ness, and Computer  Programming, as an alternative to the intense
          atmosphere in nearby Silicon  Valley.

          The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
          while they  worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive
          there for long, since  the center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in
          favor of bean curd and Perrier.

          Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a
          gentle and  nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded
          to syntax errors  with the message:

               SORRY MAN, I CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT.








SARTRE:   Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
          unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they
          just are.  Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own func-
          tions. SARTRE  programmers tend to be boring and depressed and are
          no fun at parties.

FIFTH:    FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
          refer to  quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
          JIGGER to FIFTH  (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM,
          and BLOTTO. Commands refer  to ingredients such as CHABLIS,
          CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA,  SCOTCH, BOURBON,
          CANADIAN, and WHATEVERSAROUND.

          The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication
          and  financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect
          include VSOP,  LAFITE, and WAITER'S(RECOMMENDATION). The GUTTER
          dialect instead has commands  for THUNDERBIRD, RIPPLE, and
          HOUSE(RED). The GUTTER dialect is a particular  favorite of frus-
          trated FORTH programmers who end up using this language.








C-:       This language was named for the grade received by its creator when
          he  submitted it as a project in a graduate programming class. C- is
          best  described as a "low-level" programming language. In general,
          the langauge  requires more C- statements than machine-code instruc-
          tions to execute a given  task. In this respect it is very similar
          to COBOL.

LITHP:    This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence
          of an  "S" in its character set. Programmers must substitute "TH".
          LITHP is said to  be useful in prothething lithtth.

DOGO:     Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
          heralds  a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include
          SIT, STAY, HEEL,  and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is
          "puppy graphics", a small  cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves
          deposits as he travels across the  screen.



Here are some thoughts from Dijkstra article "How Do We Tell Truths that
Might Hurt?" in his book "Selected Writings on Computing" (Springer Verlag,
1982):

FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly
inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is
now too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.

PL/I --"the fatal disease"--belongs more to the problem set than to the
solution set.

It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that have
had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally
mutilated beyond hope or regeneration.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
regarded as a criminal offense.

APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection.  It is the language of the
future for the programming techniques of the past:it creates a new generation
of coding bums.





The problems of business administration in general and database management in
particular are much too difficult for people that think in IBMerese,  com-
pounded with sloppy English.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt
axe.  It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession, on the
technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and, mainly, one computer
manufacturer.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is
a symptom of professional immaturity.

In the good old days physicists repeated each other's experiments, just to be
sure.  Today they stick to FORTRAN, so that they can share each other's
programs, bugs included.







3 Biggest Software Lies:

                         The program's fully tested and bugfree.

                         We're working on the documentation.

                         Of course we can modify it.

3 Biggest Computer Room Lies:

                         As long as you remember to 'SAVE' your input, you'll
                         never lose any files.

                         We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the
                         door.

                         The new machine's on order.



3 Biggest Large Company Lies:

                         We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.

                         People are our greatest resource.

                         We say 'let the marketplace decide'.

3 Biggest Small Company Lies:

                         We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.

                         The boss is just one of the guys.

                         Staying small is a conscious decision.

3 Biggest Marketing Lies:

                         Immediate delivery?...No problem.

                         We treat every customer as if they were our most
                         important.

                         We're going out to lunch to talk business.





3 Biggest Engineering Professor's Lies:

                         Some day this course will come in handy.

                         These tests are more trouble for me than they are for
                         you.

                         This is the way they do it in industry.

3 Biggest Executive Lies:

                         Money...it's just a score card.

                         If it were up to me, there'd be no assigned parking
                         spaces.

                         You have to twist my arm to get me to go on a busi-
                         ness trip.


3 Biggest Hardware Lies:

                         We always design for testablilty.

                         It worked fine on the proto board.

                         That would be much easier to implement in software.


                              THREE PROPOSITIONS

1.   Software engineering is like looking for a black cat in a dark room.

2.   Systems engineering is like looking for a black cat in a dark room in
     which there is no cat.

3.   Knowledge engineering is like looking for a black cat in a dark room
     where  there is no cat and someone yells, "I got it!".

...MICRONEWS

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