The Hacker's Encyclopedia 1998/hackers_encyclopedia.iso/zines/uxu/uxu_262.txt

Text File | 2003-06-11 | 9.6 KB | 166 lines

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                         Underground eXperts United

                                 Presents...

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         [  To Kill a Bouncer  ]                     [  By The GNN  ]


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                             "TO KILL A BOUNCER"
                       by THE GNN/DualCrew-Shining/uXu




   "But I just had two beers! I cannot possibly be drunk and..."
   Enough, Ray thought and grabbed the man by his left arm. After that
followed what Ray enjoyed most with his work. He dragged the complaining
man away from the bar, over the dance floor (so all his friends could see
the man being humiliated) and finally to the door, where he violently threw
him out with the magic words "... and I don't wanna see yer face around
this club again!"
   The poor man landed flat on his back and hopefully ruined his expensive
suit on the dirty street. Ray put on his macho stare and waited for the man
to say something annoying, so he did not have to hesitate when he punched
him over the nose. Unfortunately, the man said nothing, so Ray had to make
up a story five minutes later when the cops arrived and took care of the
bleeding and unconscious man.
   "He was very drunk. I threw him out. He said he was going to kill me and
then he attacked me. So I gave him a few blows."
   "Good," the police man said, "we'll take care of this nut from here."
   The police car roared away and Ray went back to his beloved work. This
evening he broke his old record by throwing out eleven people and knocking
down seven of them.
   Ray worked as a bouncer at a rather popular place in the city, namely the
Camel Club. The place was regarded as an 'exclusive' place, which meant that
no nasty kids with knives were around and the visitors wore expensive
clothing. Ray knew that he was lucky because other exclusive places seldom
allowed their bouncers to throw people out without consulting the manager
first. But at the Camel Club there could be only one king; Ray Lundgren, the
one and only.
   Ray never said that he was a bouncer - that term did not fit the artistic
side of his work, he meant. He preferred to say that he was 'a kind of
musician who played on his different instruments; strength, stamina and pure
joy'. When he started to work at the club the old ignorant manager had told
him that the former bouncer had a nice little quote he used to follow: "If
you have a good time here, I will have a good time too!" Ray thought that it
sounded like a rather nice thing to say. Because if people had too fun at
the club, Ray could have a good time too by kicking them out. Fun, according
to Ray, was when people talked too loud, laughed too loud or began chatting
with some cute girl at the club that Ray desperately wanted to drill.
   Every night, Ray argued with people and threw them out. Paradise, he
thought, until that day a new bouncer began working at the club. Ray could
not understand why the manager had hired another man. Was not Ray enough?
Had Ray screwed up lately? Had Ray by mistake thrown out some local
celebrity that happened to be a close friend to the owner? Ray did not know.
   The new bouncer was called Henry. That was according to the boss, because
Henry never said a word himself. He was very big, a crew-cut on his head and
he wore black sunglasses all the time. Ray looked like a mouse beside him,
and that was something that Ray could not accept. The first evening Henry
worked there Ray stared right into his black sunglasses and informed him
that he ought to obey every word Ray said. Henry did not reply. He just
grunted something. In Ray's ears, it was an insult.
   The ego of Ray became smaller and smaller. Henry had proven himself to be
an excellent bouncer. He could grab up to four people at once with his
strong hands and throw them across the club and out through the door with
deadly precision. He never made any mistakes, he always got his man.
Suddenly, Ray discovered that he had not thrown out nor punched someone for
weeks. Henry did all the work.
   Who was this guy? Ray wondered. He never said a word, he was strong and
handsome. He had a strange face though; his nose was almost flat, and his
lips were bigger than what could be called that standard size. And he never
took those darn sunglasses off his face. He always arrived to work before
Ray, and he never left the club until Ray was gone. Perhaps he never left
the club at all? Ray knew that he had to find out more about this guy.
   After a hectic Saturday night, Ray said bye to the staff and walked to
his car. But he did not go home. He drove one block before he made a fast
u-turn and returned to the club to park across the street. Then he sat there
all night, watching the door. But Henry never came out. At nine in the
morning, Ray fell asleep. He woke up later that afternoon just to discover
that he should be at the club in less than two hours. He spent the time
by watching the door. Suddenly, Henry was there. He stood by the door in
his black suit and watched the people who entered. Ray could not believe
his eyes. But something was clear: Henry never left the club. But why? Ray
had to find out the rest.
   Days and nights passed. Ray and Henry stood by the entrance and when a
fight occurred Henry took care of it. Ray never did anything. He never got
the chance. Henry saw everything, he was quicker and more effective. Ray
knew he could not take it much longer.
   One night, when the place closed, Ray turned to Henry.
   "Hey dude, you wanna go and have a beer?"
   Henry did not reply.
   "Er.. I mean, we could get to know each other better and so on..."
   Henry looked at Ray. Ray saw his own reflection in the black glasses.
   "Man, what is you fucking problem!" Ray screamed and pushed Henry.
   Henry did not move. His body felt as if it was made of stone.
   After that chat, Ray never dared to speak to Henry again. Ray turned into
a poor individual, a man that people knew they could laugh at. He began to
drink at work. Every time Henry threw someone out Ray took up his bottle
of whiskey and poured several ounces down his pipe. Ray was on the edge.
He knew what he had to do. He had to kill Henry.
   Since Henry obviously never left the club, Ray had to perform the
assassination there. He had a perfect plan. When the place closed and
everyone had left, Ray would hide in one of the cabinets on the toilet. Then
he would sneak through the club and find Henry. Ray knew that Henry could
only be in a certain room: the office of the boss. After Henry had began
working at the club, the boss never let anyone enter his office. Hence,
Henry had to be in there.
   Four days later, Ray decided to fulfill his mission. He hid himself in
the cabinet and waited for everyone to leave. After a couple of hours he
heard the door shut for the last time. He was alone with his nemesis. Ray
sneaked out from the toilet and made his way to the kitchen. He had all the
keys needed, so the penetration was no problem. Ray put on his gloves and
picked up the meanest knife he could find in the kitchen. This one was made
for taking out that bastard, Ray thought and chuckled.
   Now he just had to find the poor victim. Ray made his way to the office
of the boss. He hesitated by the door. Then he placed his ear to the door
and listened. He could hear someone snore. Bingo. Carefully, Ray opened the
door and stepped inside. The room was completely dark. Ray held the knife
hard in his hand. His heart beat faster and faster. This was it, he thought.
This was the end of Henry. This was the end of his enemy.
   Ray turned on the light. He saw Henry sleeping on a mattress on the
floor. He had no clothes on - his big black suit lied on a chair. Ray could
not move. He was scared to death.
   Henry was not human. Ray dropped the knife and walked backwards, towards
the door. Then he turned around and ran away in fear. He had seen the
bouncer of the future. He knew that his job was no more. The bouncer of the
future did not need any money nor union. He probably just needed a little
training a few bananas now and then. Henry was a shaved gorilla.




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 uXu #262              Underground eXperts United 1995              uXu #262
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