The Hacker's Encyclopedia 1998

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==Phrack Inc.== Volume Two, Issue 13, Phile #9 of 10 [+] Rag [+] Rag [+] Rag [+] Rag [+] Rag [+] Rag [+] Rag [+] ||-----------------------------------------------------|| || || || ______The Executioner______ || || PHRACK XIII| |PHRACK XIII || || ------------ Thanks: Knight Lightning ------------ || || |PHRACK INC| The Phreakazoid! |PHRACK INC| || || --------------------------------------------------- || || | | || || | Phreak Klass |The Best of Sexy-Exy| Phreak Klass| || || | 806-799-0016 |--------------------| 806-799-0016| || || | EDUCATE |(c) 1987 Sexy-Exy TM| EDUCATE | || || | | | | || || | | Released April 1 | | || || | | || || --------------------------------------------------- || [+]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]RAG[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[+] Welcome to "The Best of Sexy-Exy", a conglomoration of rags/insults that have been gathered over the past year or so. All rags are original and are the creation of my genius mind. I think that this installment is appropriate for the 13th issue of PHRACK. NO rags are to be taken seriously, they are merely for entertainment. There have been events beyond my control during the process of writing this file, they are enclosed in "**". Thank you. ============================================================ "Doc Holiday: The man, The myth, The Loze" Doc Holiday is a man of many diverse talents. I think it's my place to let the whole world know just how much of a mental giant he is. ------------------------------------------------------------ First, let's discuss how he manages to engineer the toughest of AT&T's network men. Here is a typical conversation between Doc and AT&T. I will interject my comments in between the brackets [ and ]. Doc will be represented by a DH. <RING> AT&T: Hello, AT&T directory assistance, may I help you? [Boy, this guy is a REAL powerhouse to engineer, think MAYBE Doc will be able to get anything from him?] DH: Hi, this is Pee Wee Herman from Illiois Bell, DA waste removal. I am having a problem connecting an inter- office call, do you think you could give me the number to the SCC in area code 201? [Gee, he picked a REAL important reason to call didn't he?] AT&T: Well, sir, I don't think I can do that, I can give you the number for the business office, maybe they can help you. (AT&T thinks: bahehahhe, stupid kid). <RING> NJ BELL: Hello, New Jersey Bell, all operaters are busy now, please hold, and your call will taken in turn. DH: Ho hum...[unzips his pants] NJ BELL: [Elevator music] DH: ahhhhh...[Doc, why is your left hand having spasms?] NJ BELL: Hello, New Jersey Bell, this is Susan. DH: Uh, yeah, hold on a sec...[wiping away the fluid from reciever.] DH: Uh yeah, this is Dick Little, from Illinois Bell, I was wondering if you could give me your 201 CN/A? [Uh, Doc, hate to break this to you, but 201 has no CN/A.] NJ BELL: Uh yeah, hold on... [NJ BELL: Must be one of those trainees, they have to get because of affirmative action.] NJ BELL: I'm sorry, I can't give you that number. DH: Well, here in this small town, it's kinda hard to get around, so could you please give me someone I can refer to? [At this time, Doc's dog wanders into his room, and begins to bark and snarl and generally acts like Doc's mom.] DH: Uh, y'know, this town is SO small, you can hear the dog barking across the street. [Wow, fast thinker] DH: I'm not used to this small town, I'm used to a big city. NJ BELL: Oh, what town are you in? DH: Uh, it's this little town outside Illinois. [Hmm, he's supposed to be from Illinois Bell but he is not in Illinois? WHAT AN ENGINEER!!!] NJ BELL: Oh, is that so. [NJ BELL: Damn kid should at least know his geography.] NJ BELL: What big city did you live in before? DH: Oh, I used to live in New York City. [Sure, Doc, you got your MASSIVE southern drawl in the boro of Brooklyn...] DH: I mean, uh, I only lived there for 3 months. [Give up Doc, you screwed up big time, you're gonna get pounded.] [FLASH: Doc's mom gets on the phone.] Doc's Mom: ROB, TIME FOR YOU CELLO LESSON!!!! DH: Yeah, uh, well, my seceratary, has just reminded me that I have to pick up my kid for his music lesson. NJ BELL: <chuckle> Sure, <growing giggle> I guess I will talk to you later <crescending into hysterical laughter, falling off his chair in a spasmodic echo of immense laughter>. <CLICK> Boy, Doc, I gotta hand it to you, in that conversation, you sure showed him your intellegence. It's ok, that you don't know where you are, and it's ok that your mom interrupted you twice, barking both times into the phone. But, hey, I am not done celebrating you yet, here's more of "The Story Of Your Life!"... ** The date is now March 14, Doc Holiday has just been put out of action by Oryan QUEST, shutting off both of Doc's lines. ** ** The date is March 30, I have just heard that Doc has been busted for COSMOS hacking. ** ------------------------------------------------------------ TOK, Tribunal of Knowledge, is a group to be admired, they're conglomoration of massive intellegence and normality have all of the phreak/hack world stunned. Prophet's education at Devry Tech, you know the school where you get a free box of tools when you enter, is a definate school for those who have superior mental ability. And then there's Solid State, or by name, Nate. By the way, do you know what the name Nate means? Let's look in the Websters Collegiate Doctionary... NATE \NAT\ n : skin that stretches from the base of the scrotum to the opening of the anal cavity. Boy, Nate, your parents must have loved you... And I haven't forgotten you, High Evolutionary, you massive stud you. HE, is on the school football team. [Actually, he plays text-graphics football on his commodore and thinks he plays football, but we'll let him have his fantasy.] Here is my tribute to T0K!1! TOK! Second Chapter: Nothing this bad ever dies. ------------------------------------------------ We're TOK and we're proud to say, Even Buckwheat says that we're O'Tay! We're gonna make LOD jealous of us, With our computers we get from Toys R Us! We'll take the hack world by attack, With our 100+ files we put in Phrack. Our reformed group numbers only to three, We'll be famous like Larry, Moe and Cur-ly! Hey TK do a prophile on us, we want some press, We'll tell ya about our hobbies like playing Phone chess! Ask us about our ability and we'll gladly exposulate, About the great acomplishments of Solid State! And Prophet too, boy is he a Joe Hacker, He talks to Bill Landreth, aka The Cracker. He spits out logins and passwords all the time, Getting busted by feds is his favorite past time. Then there's High Evolutionary, the leader of the pack, Who does his hacking in a neighbor's tool shack. He likes to hack Unix's, VMS and The Source, He likes to play football, on his computer of course. We're elite, we're the best there will ever be, We're just jealous that we're not in cDc. ** The date is now March 21, I have just learned that Evil Jay and Ctrl-C have been added to the list of TOK groupies.** ------------------------------------------------------------ Dr. Doom Rag, the extended dance version to the tune of "Beverly Hillbillies". Now, listen to a story about a boy named Doom, Poor modem geek who would never leave his room. Then one day he was talking on the phone, When up in his pants came a miniature bone. Penis, that is, kinda like a toothpick. Well the next thing you know ol' Doom puts up a board He runs it on a Commie 'cause it's all he can afford. He makes his board private and he thinks he is a phreak, <Idea Block...sorry> ------------------------------------------------------------ I have seen alot of files written lately and needless to say, alot of them need a lot of work. Sooo in my infinite charitableness, I ha ve decided to write a file on how to write a file. I will list EVERY IMPORTANT aspect of writing a file and all the inside secrets on how it will make you look a like a real cool dude (Let's face it, we write files to promote ourselves.). The first and most important thing to writing a file is your border. It has to be flashy and must include the name of your k-kool group which you are part of even though no one in the group helped you but you will still put their name down to promot e yourselves. Of course, the title must be set in it's own section of the border. Example ------- [$%$]\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\[$%$] \===/ \===/ [+] Metro! =->Dr. Doom<-= Metro! [+] $$$ ------ -------- ------ $$$ %^% (^name of group) (name must be %^% (0) emphasized) (0) *#* *#* RAD Present: RAD |+|(always use 'present') |+| ::: ::: @!@ File #30 > ISDN!!!!!!!!!!! @!@ %!% %!% %!% (ALWAYS say how many OTHER worthless files %!% %%% you have written so it makes you look %%% ||| productive) ||| [$%$]//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//[$%$] That is an example of a good border, notice all the neat ASCII graphics and how he uses space to put his group in the file too. The content of your file is important also. Here is a list of rules you should follow. 1. ALWAYS be confusing, it makes you look li ke you know what you are talking about, even if you don't. 2. ALWAYS use as many acronyms as you can, it will make your reader look up to you because you know that AACTU stands for Acronyms Are Cool To Use. 3. ALW AYS be condescending to your reader as if he/she should know what the hell you are talking about even if you are just rambling to fill space. Corollary: ALL FILES SHOULD BE AT LEAST 40 SECTORS 4. ALWAYS give 10-15 examples that really don't show what you are talking about, but will make the reader think that whatever you are writing on, somehow has some use when it doesn't. 5. ALWAYS put in diagrams and pictures, the ASCII will confuse them so much that you can say just about anything that will describe the diagram. 6. ALWAYS list things vertically, it makes you look professional. (And it takes up space too) 7. ALWAYS thank 10 famous people even if they didn't help you on the file because it will make it seem as if you know them REAL well. 8. ALWAYS interject your own opinions because it makes you look scholarly and that you are a master of the facts you are perpetrating. 9. ALWAYS make at least 5 spelling mistakes, because it makes it seem as if you did it in a hurry because you have a social life, even when you don't and spent days on it correcting spelling and grammar. 10. ALWAYS type stuff like jkwhebfiue in parts you don't fully understand and then blame it on the xmission. This releases you from knowing everything in the file. 11. ALWAYS dedicate your file to a girlfriend, it makes you look like you have one and that you are a stud, even if you look like Slave Driver. Sexy-Exy presents... A Humor Filled Article A Marvelous Laugh For The 80's A Nice Bedtime Story A Stephen King Look-a-Like A Joke for You! "When a Phreak/Hacker says...He really means,,," Preface ======= Just a note, all names mentioned are fictitous, and are creations of the author. Any resemblences or factual similiarity are completely coincidental. When a Phone Phreak or Hacker says something, there is usually an undertone or subliminal message, in this nice file, I will list some of the more common ones you will run across. 1. When Slave Driver says 'I am on the football team!' He really means... 'I wash the uniforms for the guys. 2. When Carrier Culprit says... 'I look like Don Johnson!' He really means... He watches too much 'Miami Vice'. 3. When Knight Lightning says... 'Hi this is KL, I wanna ask you something...' He really means... 'Hi, this is KL, let me open up my Database.' 4. When Phantom Phreaker says... 'I go trashing for all my information.' He really means... 'I am going to shop for Christmas dinner.' 5. When Dr. Doom says... 'I got locked out of my house.' He really means... 'The Dept. of Sanitation put the lid back on the sewer' 5. When Forest Ranger says... 'I am tenderizing meat.' He really means... 'I am popping my zits.' 6. When Line Breaker says... ANYTHING He really means... 'I am lying to cover my stupidity.' 7. When Silver Spy says... 'I am God at the VAX/VMS. He really means... 'I work with a VAX, so I am not that impressive.' 8. When Evil Jay says... 'I am into Heavy Metal.' He really means... 'I have no friends and bang my head in frustration.' 9. When The Rocker says... 'I love to party.' He really means... He watches Animal House and thinks he can party. 10. When Mark Tabas says... 'I have an athletic family.' He really means... 'Me and my little girlfriend are running away from EVERYBODY. 11. When Captain Hooke (Howie) says... 'Hey man, I am gonna fuck up your dad's credit card on TRW!' He really means... 'I spend too much time talking to Line Breaker.' 12. When Captain Hooke (Howie) says... 'I have a major social life.' He really means... 'I call up the conference bridges and spend all of my time talking to losers.' 13. When Dr. Who says... 'I have done alot for the Phreak/Hack world.' He really means... 'I try everything first to see if it's safe.' 14. When Forest Ranger says... 'Telecomputist will be an original magazine full of new information. He really means... 'Telecomputist is written on toilet paper with the same quality and originality of articles' 16. When Attila the Hun says... 'I love to Slam Dance!' He really means... 'When he's in a ballroom he steps on EVERYONE'S feet.' 17. When Ax Murderer says... 'Yo, I just wrote the most complete file on UNIX with examples.' He really means... 'I rewrote a Unix manual and copied the illustrations too.' 18. When Taran King says... 'Yo, MSP is down due to Hard disk problems.' He really means... 'I spilled dinner over the computer chatting with KL.' 19. When Sinister Fog says... 'I used to run the best bbs in the country.' He really means... 'We tried to find the non-existant alogarithm for SPC.' 20. When Oryan Quest says... 'I am gonna bill $20000 to you Taran!' He really means... 'PLEASE let me back on Metal Shop!' 21. When The Executioner says... 'Yes, Taran I will have your file in time for Phrack.' He really means... 'I fucked up again and I'll have to get Bill to help me out.' 22. When Bill From RNOC says... 'Hey, what's up?' He really means... 'I'm here to leach all your new stuff, pull your tolls and stab you in the back.' ============================================================= ORYAN QUEST - A point by point historical recreation of this controversial excuse for recycled shit from the sewer of Mexico. "Juan!!!", screamed the mexican lady, "get over here, mucho expresso!" "Coming my little tortilla!!", panted the tired Mexican peasant. "What is it my little bag of cabbage leaves?", inquired the Hispanic mongrel. "Juan, Juan, Juan, I tink I am stricken with baby!" exclaimed his wife. "OH NO! my babaloo!, not another little child," cried Juan, "We cannot afford to have another child." "My wages picking coffee beans and stripping cabbage barely feed our other 12 children, how am I going to support THIS bastard billy-goat?", asked Juan. Well, the day finally came, and the poverty stricken couple made their way to the village hospital, by way of mule, a mercedes to the couple. "Oooooooooh....", cried the lady in pain, as the baby pushed it's way forward. "Ohhh what a beautiful child", exclaimed Juan. "Uh senor, that's the pre-natal discharge, your baby is next.", corrected the doctor. The baby's body began to appear(feet first, of course), it's WIDE vertical smile, greeting the world. "Oh my,",said Juan,"he looks just like his papa!" "I must give him a proper name.", continued Juan. "I name you.. Senor Pepe Guadaloop Tom Flanagan Paco Oryan QUESTO!" [Pretend there is alot of applause] Well, Paco, I mean QUEST, learned the trade of his father and his father's father. Toiling and slaving away, he dreamed of one day going to America, north of the border, and leading a life of a re-fried bean. One lazy sunny day, Paco and his father were doing their daily fishing, trying to make a living for themselves and feed their family,with out eating stray dogs. Questo was casting off with his new hardwood fishing pole that his father made for him that very morning. Juan was picking his nose and batting an eye at his son, marveling his skill at throwing the line. Suddenly Paco's line went taut with a quick jerk and Paco's limp 100 lb body flew into the water with a splash. "Oh no, my little chili bean fart, what should I do. Juan pulled Quest out of the water. Well, he thought "At least he's clean now, I don't think he'll be thirsty for at least another week. [Sorry to end this story so abruptly, but Oryan Quest is not worth more than 5K, come to think of it he's not worth a byte. I figgured since he tried SOOOO hard to write a rag file about me (See Phrack 12) that I ought to show exactly what the word, "rag" means. ==============================================================================