The Hacker's Encyclopedia 1998/hackers_encyclopedia.iso/zines/extra/ibft_009.txt

Text File | 2003-06-11 | 19.5 KB | 377 lines

_____________________________________________________________________________
---------------------------- I Bleed for This? ------------------------------
------04.06.94-----------------------------------------------------#009------


               Concise Guide to Forgetting How much You Suck
                              by Jason Farnon


     "Guh.  I suck.  Everything sucks.  Diediedie!!!sadjkhsaldhj"

     How many times have you said this to yourself?  Things just suck, people
are stupid.  You haven't washed in a while and are probably better off dead.
Once again IBFT comes to the rescue.  Here are some methods of passing
the time until you die.  They have been tested and proven to work.  No guess
work involved here.  Have fun, and don't eat the brown acid.

1) Sleep

     Seems pretty obvious right?  You'd be amazed how many people overlook
this.  Here is a secret tip for you.  Did you know that you don't have to be
tired or drowsy to sleep?  I bet you didn't.  Don't stay up thinking
something cool is going to happen.  Don't go hang out with people who suck
as much as you.  You know nothing cool will happen.  It never does.  But
you waste your time like a moron going 'out' and coming back with no
satisfaction whatsoever.  Why not just stay home and sleep?  Your bed is
warm, and nobody can bother you.  You can't be frustrated with trying to do
anything cool, because you never attempted anything to begin with.

     Sleep 18 hours a day if you can get away with it.  Sleep anywhere where
you know you will not get sodomized.  You know you don't have to be social if
your eyes are closed.  I have learned that if people think you're sleeping,
they won't try to talk to you.  You know how much you hate that interaction
thing.  Plus when you sleep, you'll feel better.  For all the hours you've
wasted doing nothing, you could do something that makes you happy.  Just
accept that you will die a worthless piece of shit having contributed nothing
worthwhile to this hypocritical shithole society.  It makes doing nothing so
much easier.  Plus they don't deserve your brilliance anyway.

2) Foreign Substances

     Why not put things into your body that will give you a false sense of
security, superiority, or confidence?  I mean as long as you are content, who
cares what other people think.  Remember its all in your mind.  No matter
what they say, no matter where they place you, in the end your demise will be
your fault and your fault only.  If you win in your mind, you can be burning
to death while maggots chew on your eyes, and still have a sense of
accomplishment.

     "Don't think you're worth anything.  You're just another customer."

     So you have decided to destroy your body with drugs.  Good call.  Acid
will make you very happy, as it will make you appreciate things so much more.
You see people so damn happy, laughing, and you wonder how they can be so
happy when we are slowly approaching the apocalypse.  You aren't at fault.
They are just morons who are going to burn in hell.  But if you want to
experience what they feel, drop out.  Everything will make sense.  All of a
sudden the doorknob you took for granted will fascinate you to no end.  Trees
and lakes will be beautiful again, at least for twelve hours.  Do a lot of
acid.  You have nothing to loose.  You can only gain insight to the 'others'
world.  No other drug is worth it.  Plus acid is very, very cheap.  So even
if it becomes a habit, it won't be one you'll have to sell your body for;
only your furniture.  Fucking up your mind is okay.  Having skid marks is
not.  Marijuana is out of the question as it is easily detectable and will
prevent you from getting your McJob.

     There, I used a Generation-X term.  That's all you are.  Generation-X.
You're like a textbook you little Fuck.  Don't think you're some superior
being close to discovering the answers everyone has forgotten.  You are
nothing.  You are SHIT.  There are so many before you that were worthless and
confused like you, and there will be so many afterwards.  You will make no
impact on the world, and will scapegoat it to the attribute that no one
understands your brilliance.  You're worthless you fuckhead.

     "Get a drug habit and die."

     -- Milk and Cheese

     As I was saying, the drugs with the quick rushes like nitrous, and drugs
that are physically addictive like cocaine are just not worth it.  I'd rather
not go into the ramifications.  If you don't believe me, try for yourself.
In fact I encourage it.  There will be less of you, and I will have a better
chance of getting a confused hopelessly lost Generation X woman.

     Then there is Alcohol.  Alcohol is great.  It makes you forget, and also
can be useful if you ever need to amputate a leg.  Always carry some of your
favorite beverage in a thermos.  Don't drink beer.  Beer is for stupid
people.  If you drink beer, may you rot in hell.  Alcohol is a big excuse.
"Give me a break man, I was drunk." Only losers drink at parties though.
Only sad people drink with other people.  Cool people drink alone.  You heard
me, alone.  Alone with an issue of "Stickboy" and rad music.

     Because when you drink alone you can think.  When you drink alone you
don't need other people to impress.  Fact.  You're drinking.  No one needs to
know you can drink half a keg without puking.  Bar hopping is for faggots.
Alcohol will also help you get to sleep when some eternal questions are
bugging you to no end.

     I'll let someone cool to sum up my opinion on what you should ingest:

     "Trip Away, as the miser makes love to his world."

     --- Perry of Janes Addiction

     3) Find Companionship

     Find a girl.  Yes.  Find a girl.  One more time.  Find a girl.  Its not
as hard as you may think.  Let me rephrase that.  Get a girl.  If you look
for one, you'll never find one.  I think someone intelligent said that.
You'll accidentally stumble into her, somehow.  As long as you don't suck that
much, it is inevitable.  You may be introduced, or you might wind up in the
same jail cell.  Hold on to her.  She will be your crutch in this cruel and
disgusting world.  Together the world will be your toilet paper.  You won't
need anyone else, as now you're doing more than winning in your mind.  You're
winning in her mind, and that's so much more reassuring.  Have violent angry
sex, or whatever makes both of you happy.  You will be happy.  You'll cut
your penis off if she asks you to.  But you will not care.  And then when you
need her most, she'll disappear.  Because after the physical aspect is taken
for granted, you will realize that your relationship is shit.  It has no damn
substance.  Just two lost children in a big confusing world, grabbing at
anything in the dark.  Now its time to do lots of acid and die.

     4) Clubs

     Go to shows or clubs and draw blood.  Go to some stupid teen angst
Nirvana show or something of that degree, and get into the pit.  Except make
sure you bring small sharp objects.  You see, the people at angst shows are
wussies, and would never hurt you.  Hurt them, bruise them, and inflict the
pain on them that they deserve.  Or go to a real show, and swing your arms
and body around wildly.  Most of the time, if you pass it off as dancing,
nobody will bother you.  You can injure yourself and other people, and get
your angst out.  Its all angst.  Just remember you are not special.  You
Suck!  You are a fucking cockroach that will be crushed by the intelligent
ones.  Or maybe you'll get picked up by some whore at the club.  If you have
taken my advice, you've probably come to the club drunk out of your mind.
Not having any idea what is going on, you decided it would be a super idea to
have sex with this she-beast.  Inevitably you will get AIDS, and will rot as
your fingers will fall off.  Its no fun way to die, but you have the pleasure
of giving other people AIDS and spreading your disease.


     5) Hit Your Head Against the Wall

     This is a little bit like going to a club, but it is in a controlled
environment.  Meaning the harm you inflict on yourself relies completely on
your sanity and tolerance for pain.  For if Big Biff and _Club Big Hair_
decides to decorate your face with his fist, there is no use arguing.  Biff
will stop when he pleases, most likely when its last call.  On the other hand
you can stop hitting your head on the wall any time you wish.  Most likely
the numbing pain will get to you, but that would be the exact thing you
wanted to accomplish.  The physical pain will help you forget the questions
that have kept you up at night.  Blood takes precedence over man's inhumanity
to man.

     6) Get a Job

     Yes, get a job.  Its not as hard as you may you think.  Even if you are
lazy and would rather roll over and die, there are jobs intended for your
mind-set!  If you have an ounce of brain matter, you shouldn't have a problem
finding a job.  There are Generation X opportunities everywhere.  Get a job
that doesn't require a high school education.  Even five dollars an hour adds
up.  You won't have time to think because you'll be too busy taking shit from
you McManager.  Everyday you will come home exhausted out of your mind.  You
won't have time to worry about how much things suck, because you will just be
grateful to god that you are not working.  This cycle will continue until you
die.  There is another benefit of working.  You have more money for drugs.

     7) Fun with your Bladder

     You never thought that your bladder could make you happy.  But just like
everything else, you take your bladder for granted.  For kicks next time you
have to urinate, don't.  Don't urinate for a day or two, until the pain is
amazingly excruciating.  Then go to the bathroom.  You will feel such amazing
satisfaction and relief, like nothing matters at all except for the fact
that your bladder is empty.

     8) Destroy People Who Suck More Than You

     This is my personal favorite.  There are subsets of this which will be
included later.  Basically you know who you're better than.  The people who
swim in ecstasy of their own stupidity.  For them, ignorance is bliss.  You
sometimes wonder if you would be better off if you were like them.  Insult
them, make fun of them, make their lives hell.  Laughing at fat people and
the handicapped is also not out of the question.  Anything that will boost
your ego by stepping on someone else's head.  Sometimes you might get hurt,
but its worth it.  You always win in your head anyway.  If you need courage
to insult people who are stupid but much larger than you, always resort back
to alcohol.  Its such a wonderful invention.  There are so many damn idiots.
IBFT wouldn't exist otherwise.  Laugh at the grunge losers who still haven't
had their umbilical chords cut.  Laugh at the blind sheep getting raped by
the media.  Laugh at your insecure friends.  You are above all of them.  You
are god.

     9) Offend People

     Offending people is a great past time.  You do not have to know anything
about the cause to piss people off.  Generally you can promote it with much
more fervor if you have a bias one way or another with it.  The possibilities
are endless. Hand out NAMBLA literature in front of a church.  Hold up a sign
with a penis on it stating, "the uncircumcised have rights too." Its best to
insult something that is very dear to someone, like something they have
wasted, and wasted is the key word, their lives plugging away.  A T-Shirt
that says "Breast cancer is good.  More breathing room on the train" will
definitely do the trick.  Getting people angry with you will waste time, and
you might actually get people to join your moronic cause.  Then you can get
money out of them.  Look what it did for scientology.  Racism is also very
important when you are offending people.  There is nothing that offends
people more than racism.  You don't have to be a racist to practice racism,
but it helps.  Buy a dirty joke book, and make it your bible.  Then you can
stand in Harvard Square with a mike saying things like:

     "How do you get a black guy out of a tree in Mississippi?  Cut the
rope!"

     10) IRC

     IRC stands for Internet Relay Chat.  With IRC you can harass people, and
you can seek companionship, all out of the comfort of your own home.  IRC is
an anarchy, and absolutely no rules apply.  It is safe to assume this, at
least most of the time.  With IRC, a little technical knowledge goes a long,
long way.  Hardcore IRC users take IRC to be some kind of virtual world where
they can unwind.  The truth is that IRC is like anything else on the
Internet; a collection of TCP/IP connections and ascii characters.  There is
no special privilege required to start a channel on IRC.  Some channels to
check out are:

#gayteen
#gaysex
#hottub
#warez
#suicide
#talk
#lesbian
#blaklife
#chat
#lonely

     You'll most likely find me on one of them on any given night.  You see
people on these channels spend so much time on IRC because they are insecure
stupid fucks.  They'd rather hide behind their screens then deal with people
in person.  They are easy to annoy, and get very frustrated when their measly
kicks and bans have no effect on you.  They will attempt to mail your
administrator.  If your admin is cool, he'll tell you to fuck.  Otherwise you
might get a call from your parole officer (private joke).  Here is a sample:

----------
*** sadboy ([e-mail]) has joined channel #gaysex
*** Topic for #gaysex: it's oscar night
*** Users on #gaysex: sadboy @Woolf KY-KEV arich socrates mathlab DSV HornDog
+Achilles @TaterTot @Mantas @Tonybear nycguy Russkii NYCe1 @Caz oof Hot4U
+@Pledge AfroChick Harder @TallLion studhumpr @Xerxes @ButchBub @Skunky
+@Lasher- @SilvrWing @ChefD @L00K bi-jock @Rooh @MrPeabody @cEvin
<AfroChick> afrochick loves horndog!
<NYCe1> hi arich, sadboy
> hello
<NYCe1> hi sadboy
<DSV> Wooooo!  This place is getting pretty hostile.
<NYCe1> why sad?
> how are you "men" doing tonight?
<socrates> exit
<Tonybear> hello to woolf & sadboy
<HornDog> CAN WE ALL TRY TO BE NICE TO ONE ANOTHER ????
> i am GAY and i want SEX
> someone GAY here please give me SEX
*Tonybear* talk to me.
> i want GAY SEX right now
-> *Tonybear* ok
*** Tonybear is ~[e-mail] (Adam Greenberg)
*** on channels: @#gaysex
*** on irc via server irc.colorado.EDU (Univ of Colorado Server (2.8.*))
<Caz> sadboy: you have hands ..use em'
> give me GAY SEX now
> someone give me GAY SEX
***ACTION Lasher- spreads it's throbbing lips until they are big enough to
+engulf sadboy
***ACTION Lasher- lowers itself onto sadboy , lower...lower...lower, until
+nothing of sadboy is left
<Lasher-> sadboy is never heard from again...such a pity...
*** Lasher- is now known as STANK0
*** You have been kicked off channel #gaysex by STANK0 (<<<mwahahaha>>>)
*** sadboy ([e-mail]) has joined channel #gaysex
*** Topic for #gaysex: it's oscar night
***ACTION STANK0 morphs back into Lasher-
*** STANK0 is now known as Lasher-
> i need my GAY SEX
*Tonybear* where are you located and what can i do for you?
*** You have been kicked off channel #gaysex by Skunky (get a life! <NK>)
*** #gaysex : Cannot send to channel (from ra.oc.com)
-> *Tonybear* give me GAY SEX
*** sadboy ([e-mail]) has joined channel #gaysex
*** Topic for #gaysex: it's oscar night
> GAY SEX please
> i need more GAY SEX
*Tonybear* tell me what you like?
<Lasher-> `remove sadboy
<Xerxes> Bahahahah
*** Mode change "-o+b sadboy *!*xxxxxxx@*.xxx.xxx" on channel #gaysex by
+cEvin
*** You have been kicked off channel #gaysex by cEvin (LaTeR.)
*** #gaysex :Sorry, cannot join channel. (Banned from channel)
-> *Tonybear* coffee cake
----------

     I came there to harass people and some homosexual actually wanted to
have virtual sex with me.  Shows how fucking pathetic people can get.  Rot in
hell Tonybear.  Eventually I was banned, but I did have my chuckles.  Another
thing I enjoy flooding to #gaysex is ascii breasts.  Mail my cat if you want
those.  I will be glad to comply.  The possibilities for IRC are endless, and
the best part is you don't have to leave your house!

     11) Stare at a Picture of Tori Amos

     Trust me.

     12) Install Hardware and Playing Wares

     Installing cool hardware and playing wares is something you can do to
pass the time.  Hardware is impartial.  It either works or it doesn't.  Flip
a couple of jumpers and the sound card works.  No such luck with the other
problems in life.  Things cannot get too complicated with hardware.  If
hardware pisses of you off enough, slam it against the wall.  Just stomp on
it until it is a mangled circuit board.  Hardware will be sorry the day it
tried to fuck with you.  Who says you always lose?  You just kicked ass!

     Playing really old wares will get your mind off things.  Endless
mindless hours of Donkey Kong will do the trick.  Amass outrageous amounts of
Atari, Commodore and Apple games.  IBM is way too complicated, and some of
those games require typing.  Games that only require the use of two arrow
keys are great too.  Just play until your eyes bleed.  You will die soon.
Hey, if you complain about how much you suck enough, I'll do you a favor and
kill you.  Make both of us happy.

     13) Kill Yourself

     Seems like the obvious answer, right?  Well I feel suicide is the last
possible solution.  For starters, killing yourself takes way too much fucking
energy, plus you might make someone happy.  God forbid that might happen.  A
human life is just way too valuable.  You may not think this, but its true.
No matter if it does massive amounts of good, or better yet massive amounts
of evil, it has so much damn power.  You can make so many damn people
miserable.  Why would you want to give all of that up?  If you do go, go with
a bang.  Any faggot-boy can swallow 50 aspirin.  Light yourself on fire.
Stand up for what you really believe in.  Shoot the president.  Shoot your
neighbor's dog.  Drive around the country shooting minorities.  Do something
that they will never forget.  And then when it can't get any worse, with
everyone on your ass, it gets better.  You kill yourself.  You are now less
miserable, and have way fewer responsibilities.

     14) Stare at the Wall

     This one I picked up from someone I loiter with on the phone often.  It
is not a personal favorite of mine, as I would rather sleep.  He speaks
highly of it.  If you have the patience to stare at the wall for a long time,
you will begin to see amazing things.  We take walls for granted you know.  I
personally do not have the patience to look at a wall for prolonged periods
of time.

     15) Write Textfiles

     Write textfiles.  Be an art fag.  Wear all black, smoke cloves, and wait
to die.  You have so much damn anger and energy.  Don't let it go to waste.
Unite, and crush the opposition.  Always remember that you are superior, and
they are miserable whether they look it or not.  That is what keeps IBFT
alive.  Pipe you anger into something <gasp> constructive and kick some
fucking ass.  And when in doubt place your thumb a few inches from your index
finger and scream, "I'm crushing your head!"

==============================================================================
IBFT is:  Farnon's cat - [e-mail]     Home Board:  [phone]
          Snarf's cat  - [e-mail]   Pulsating Temple of Stan

ftp:141.214.4.135:/docs/ibft     ---><---     gopher:ftp.etext.org:/Zines/IBFT
               mailing list:  [e-mail]
==============================================================================