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- = F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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-
- Doin' it in Texas
- -----------------
-
- Here it is, the file to break my writer's block. No matter what,
- this will be the time to get past over four months of no serious writing.
- You never know exactly why it happens, and normally you can't tell what
- it is that makes you break out of that cold room and begin to throw your
- thoughts out to the world. So this time.. lets try forcing it.
-
- Sleep no longer comes easy to me. In the past I haven't been one
- to sleep the days away or anything, as I usually get somewhere between
- two and six hours a night. These days, things have been different. For
- the past month and a half, I have spent my nights in a hotel in another
- state. That may be one of many things lending to my sleepless nights.
- Every night I fall asleep to music, typically something very calm and
- relaxing to make the transition from chaos to rest as smooth as possible.
- These past few weeks I find myself staying awake listening to
- entire CDs, getting up, changing discs, and listening to more. Every
- night I can tell something is missing from my life but I can't put my
- finger on it. I know what isn't missing, and I know what I flat out don't
- want. I have friends, at least all I could want right now. It isn't
- female companionship right now, as I have no real desire for any
- relationship or commitment.
- Something out there is missing.. its out of my grasp. My hobby
- has turned into my job and I enjoy working more than ever before. I see
- my family and aquaintences frequently, so no on that one. I keep running
- down a list of things that might be that missing link, but I still can't
- put my finger on it. I know motivation in certain areas is right out
- the door. I have been sitting on a ton of writing projects that I will
- someday get to. Oh well, just a a matter of time. Until then, onward..
- more things annoy me.
-
- What else is up. Got to spend thanksgiving down here in Texas
- at my boss's house (My boss down here that is). Other than that I have
- spent my weekends with some really good guys, all of which I have met
- through the internet. Just happens that quit a few live within a couple
- hours of where I am which makes the weekends much more interesting than
- sitting in the hotel room watching overpriced pay per view movies.
- Back to music real quick. My latest interest has been in the
- various femme singers. Tori Amos, Sophie B. Hawkins, Poe, Milla, Suzanne
- Vega, Jewel, Enya, Shakespear's Sister, and others. Something about
- these artists is just really impressive and worth listening too. For
- most of them, not only the incredible voices, but exceptional lyrics
- and great instrumental backup. I have thought a little about trying
- to put words to express the feelings that kind of music brings about
- in me, but just can't do it. Anyway, if my word means anything, go out
- and purchase large quantities of music by those artists.
-
- Been doing mass quantities of that email thing. I have always
- been one for writing rather than talking on the phone. Since I am now
- out of touch from most of the people I know, I have relied on mail as
- a quasi-escape from hotel life. It works. Every day I would guess
- my friends and I write well over 50k (about five times the length
- of this file) back and forth talking about the normal stuf. Kinda funny,
- how distance affects email. While in Denver, it always seems mail is
- much shorter and much more to the point. I guess it is just knowing
- that you can pick up the phone and make a local call if you have to,
- or something else. Maybe it is just feeling that distance.
- So what the hell is the point of this whole file? Who cares.
- I learned long ago that expressing your daily thoughts like this
- does wonders to help you clear your mind, see your own thoughts, and
- more. Just knowing that other people will read your raw emotions
- makes you feel kinda weird, at least it makes me feel that way. Think
- about it; a dozen, hundreds, maybe thousands of people reading what
- is beyond second nature to you. So next time you are out on that
- newsgroup, or on some BBS, or in mail with a friend, just write about
- what is on your mind. About once a week I get a piece of mail like
- that from someone who has read a newly released file, had some thoughts,
- and turned it into a healthy letter about what is on their mind.
- I read and respond to all mail so feel free to write.
-
- I'm a computer geek if you haven't been able to tell. Don't
- exactly look like one (at least the stereotypical one). Found out
- two things that really annoyed the hell out of me yesterday. I use to
- play a lot of sports, everything from soccer to rugby to baseball to
- tennis to just about everything else. So I went down to play basketball
- at the little court here at the hotel. Met a co-worker and we shot for
- a while before a couple more guys joined and asked to play a game.
- Both of these kids were younger than I, one was much bigger but looked
- pretty dense. The first thing that annoyed me was their style of playing
- ball. This wasn't a friendly pickup game, this was a battle to the death.
- It was obvious they took it a lot more serious than I did, but there is
- a line that needs to be drawn.
- I couldn't help but think of how much they imitated the basketball
- players on TV, talked about them, and everything else. Its funny watching
- them try to be like them, but knowing how pathetic they are at the sport.
- I'm not saying I am better than they are (even though my outside shot
- puts them to shame), but all they could do was elbow their way under
- the basket and throw up a little layup for two points. Also funny how
- they never called their own fouls even though I did, kept encouraging
- each other to drive in on me since I wasn't playing as active defense
- as my partner, or hit half of their outside shots. So overall they
- annoyed me.
- The other major thing that annoyed me was myself. A few years back
- I found out I had excercise induced asthma which really puts a downer
- on any sport. I played the two-on-two game for maybe fifteen minutes
- before I was coughing and wheezing trying to catch my breath. I really
- do like sports too, and really wish I could partake a little more often.
- So until some miracle cure comes out, more billiards and computing for me.
-
- Welp, now I get to flip a coin. Heads I release this to the world,
- tails, you never see it. I wonder how many other people do that with
- their writing. I also have to wonder if people even know that this is done
- with some of my files. No idea how many I have deleted because of the
- toss of a coin. Not a lot or anything, but a few. Not wasted thoughts either,
- but more a mental release than anything.
- So, after all is said and done, is my writer's block gone?
- Who knows, but I certainly hope to hell it is. Although it isn't the
- worst thing as I have had some great writers pick up the duty. Hopefully
- they will keep writing and sharing their thoughts with the rest of us.
-
- Things are most definitely not diminishing...
-
- I'll wrap it up here, and leave you with this thought:
-
- "As I stand in darkness, I feel the warmth of the light upon my
- skin and I know my face is turned toward the sun. I can look into
- the sun, for my eyes are forever shrouded by darkness. But if you
- who can see look too long in the sun, you will lose your sight,
- just as those who live too long in the darkness will gradually lose
- theirs."
- Weis & Hickman
-
-
- - dis
-
- shout outs: Major, Plexor, Vidiot, z3ns, Apok, El_jefe, Dave_SOB,
- Capone, T*P, Voyager, Patty, Rage, Daemon9, se7en,
- Freya, Presence, all the fans of the zine, the users of
- 'The Lemming', all my cats, and then some.
-
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- (12/4/96)
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