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Text File | 1995-01-01 | 44KB | 1,031 lines

______ __ __ __ ______ / __ / / \ \ \ \ \ / _\/_ \ / /_/ /andom / /\ \ccess \ \_\ \umor | |____| | / _ _/ / ____ \ \ __ \ \__ \____/ / / \ \ / / \ \ \ \ \ \ |_\____| /_/ \_\ /_/ \_\ \_\ \_\ |____| -------------------------------------------------- The Electronic Humor Magazine -------------------------------------------------- Version 1 Release A January 1995 Editor: Dave Bealer Copyright 1995 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved Printed on 100% recycled electrons Filmed before a virtual studio audience Random Access Humor is an irregular production of: VaporWare Communications 32768 Infinite Loop Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX4 USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director, Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari. TABLE OF INCONTINENCE: About Vaporware Communications.....................................01 Editorial - A Taxing Experience....................................01 Lettuce to the Editor..............................................02 1994 RAH Online Industry Awards....................................03 The Dating Game....................................................04 Attack Of The X Demographic........................................06 Recipe: Lemon Curry Stir-Fry.......................................08 DREAM FORGE Subscription Information...............................10 Announcements......................................................11 Bumper Stickers Seen on the Information Superhighway...............11 Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1 RAH Distribution System...........................................A-3 Random Access Humor Page 1 January 1995 About Vaporware Communications VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR VaporWare Corporate Officers: Luther Lecks President, Chief Egomaniac Officer Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A., Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al. V.P., Research & Development --------------------------------------------------------------------- NOTICE to sysops in Oklahoma and similar bastions of progressive thinking: This issue of RAH mentions body parts (such as hands and feet) that may stir the prurient interests of the Thought Police in your area (or any other area that can reach your area by telephone). You bear full responsibility for any reaction the presence of this material on your system may evoke from the Forces Of Goodness And Right (Reformed). Have a nice day. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Mental Nutrition Facts Serving Size 1 issue Servings Per Container 1 ===================================================================== Amount per serving Ideas: 23 Ideas from fatheads: 5 ===================================================================== % daily value Total fatheads: 2 15 Saturated fatheads: 1 24 Castor Oil: 0 0 Silliness: 11 110 Total Comic content: 51 Actual jokes: 37 73 Puns: 14 1145 --------------------------------------------------------------------- Editorial - A Taxing Experience by Dave Bealer One of my New Year's resolutions again this year will be to lose weight. Yeah, right! -- just when Goodyear is about to give me a contract as their reserve blimp. Another resolution will be to actually complete and file my federal income tax return before April. Many folks file at the very last minute so that they can save the money needed to pay what they owe -- or just collect interest on it until the last possible moment. I'm one of those brilliant people who files near the deadline despite the fact that Uncle Sam owes ME a refund. Random Access Humor Page 2 January 1995 My old Uncle Sam always seems to be down on his luck and looking for a handout. Nice guy that I am, I decide to let him keep what he owes for a few months longer than necessary each year. Right. The truth, of course, is that I'm a world class procrastinator. My motto is, "Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until next month." The sad thing is that many Americans use their tax overpayments as a kind of savings plan. It's the only way they can get together a big chunk of money for major purchases. Two years ago I used my refund to purchase another 486 system to run my BBS. This year I expect to use it for one of those multi-disk CD-ROM changers for my personal machine. Those things are good for keeping lots of reference CD-ROMs online at all times. Plus it'll keep the disks from getting lost in my office, which you generally need a machete to move around in. - - - - Another resolution is to actually make my first live (SLIP/PPP) connection to the internet in 1995. And I always thought telnet and ftp were the real internet. The Web is waiting. So, undoubtedly, is the Spider. {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- Lettuce to the Editor Area: Internet Mail Date: 12-14-94 13:52 (Private) From: JIMMY.ANDERSON@VDIM.COM To: LETTUCE Subject: My first issue from you.. Organization: The Virtual Dimension | Jackson, TN USA Hi Lettuce! Just wanted to let you know that I d/l the December issue from a local BBS and only had to see part of it to know it *had* to be u/l to the other regular BBS I use. It's great! I've already incorporated some of the "bumper stickers" you showed into my tagline collection. Thanks! :) I'll be sure to try and find some older issues now, and help pass those on as well. Good luck in the future in the merger! jimmy.anderson@vdim.com jla4268@erc.jscc.cc.tn.us - - - - - - - - - - - - Jimmy, Thank you for the comments. It's good to hear that new readers aren't being discouraged by the merger. Most of the feedback so far has been positive. To paraphrase both The Grateful Dead and MST3K: "Keep circulating the ZIPs!" <g> DB Random Access Humor Page 3 January 1995 1994 RAH Online Industry Awards by Dave Bealer It's late December -- time to start working on the January issue of RAH, and also time to spend a few seconds cooking up some malarky that readers will accept as an awards article. No doubt about it, 1994 was a big year for the online industry. Here are some of the reasons why: >> Most Successful Use of Smoke & Mirrors << The World Wide Web (WWW) - touted by virtually every industry pundit as the greatest innovation since sliced silicon, "The Web" has been the biggest online news of 1994. Since late summer organizations have been scrambling to get online with a web server. This isn't too surprising, since statistics prove that more people are on the net (and using the web) than actually exist on the planet at this time. (Hey, at least when they're "in the web" they're not out polluting streams and the air.) >> Biggest Online Myth << Bandwidth - the idea that there is enough bandwidth on the net to support ten or twenty million simultaneous SLIP or PPP connections to let everyone access all these wonderful new Web servers is the biggest load of bull droppings since Clinton said he was a "New Democrat" who was going to lower taxes. The promise that there will be enough bandwidth REAL SOON NOW is about as believable as Clinton's protestations that he really WILL lower taxes one of these years. Sure, they'll simply use some of the alien technology from all those UFOs that have crashed in the California desert through the years. Don't worry, those companies that sell web server packages for $30,000 - $60,000 to unsuspecting companies would never lie about the potential market. Would they? And for those who think that all the pre-existing coax TV cable is the answer, remember ISDN? That was supposed to be the next level of throughput beyond voice telephone lines. The trouble is that the Baby Bells are killing ISDN by pricing it out of the market. The cable companies are likely to pull the same stunt unless someone can successfully reason with their executives. Good luck. >> Most Sensible WWW Server << Welcome to the White House (http://www.whitehouse.gov) - a move asked for by the Secret Service. It's a lot easier to remove bullet holes from a web server screen that from the real White House. Perhaps they should move the White House some place safe, like downtown Beirut. Random Access Humor Page 4 January 1995 >> Most Important Non-WWW Related Happening Online << There wasn't one this year. >> Most Important Non-WWW Related Happening Offline << ONE BBSCON - Atlanta, GA. - Phil "Isn't that a neat laser?" Becker and Marion "Hey! It was John Wayne's real name too!" Rickard did it again. A five day orgy of deal making that culminated in the First Annual Green Nerfball Over Banquet Table Challenge. Nike and Coppertone are eyeing sponsorships for the second annual event this year, which may take place on the beach at Tarpon Springs, FL. >> Least Believable Excuse << Hayes Microcomputers Accounting Department - who were quoted, when explaining Hayes' mid-November Chapter 11 bankruptcy filing, as saying, "Oops! We were using Pentiums to run all our accounting software." >> Vaporware of the Year << Remote Imaging Protocol V2.0 -- Telegrafix Communications, Inc. - the screens looked sharp in Atlanta back in August, JPEG photos and all. But rumor has it that, even if RIP 2.0 does arrive, basic drawing functions present in V1.54 may be missing. If the rumors are true, the industry may be better off if RIP 2.0 remains vaporware. {RAH} -------------- Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he writes and publishes electronically. Dave can be reached via email at: dbealer@dreamforge.com --------------------------------------------------------------------- The Dating Game by Greg Borek Him: Where is that damned waiter? Her: Please, don't swear, it's not very polite. Besides, he's busy. He'll be along in a moment. Him: The service here really stinks. I don't know why we ever came to this fern dump. Her: This is my favorite restaurant. The atmosphere is so quaint in here. I really enjoy the ferns and antiques. I would have decorated it exactly the same way myself. And besides, the food is so interesting. Random Access Humor Page 5 January 1995 Him: What, the tiny piles of cleverly arranged, overpriced vegetarian scraps? There isn't enough wimpy food in the portions here to keep a man going for ten minutes. Now, give me a good, thick, bloody steak,... Her: AAUGH! Him: ...preferably something I've killed myself. Don't you find that the meat you kill your self always tastes better for some reason? I often go out on the weekends with my NRA buddies, shoot a few bambis, and drink couple of cases apiece. Her: I don't think it's very clever to drink too much, especially common and vulgar beer. It's much more civilized to always be in control. We never have anything alcoholic to drink at our "Rabid Friends of Animals" meetings. Sometimes we have a little wine at our Ballet appreciation nights, but those are special occasions. Do you attend any cultural activities? Him: I go to all of the Jean-Claude Van Damme and Stephen Segal movies as soon as they come out, if that's what you mean. Oh, and give me a good Death Wish or Dirty Harry movie any day. Where is that damn, oops, sorry, f-ing waiter? Her: Um,...I don't want to state the obvious but I don't think this is going to work out between us. Him: Well, you're probably right but it's a shame we didn't get along. You are not that bad looking. Her: NOT THAT BAD LOOKING? Him: I mean you don't look that heavy. Her: NOT THAT HEAVY? Him: For a woman of your age. Her: FOR A WOMAN OF MY AGE? This has got to be the worst blind date I've ever been on. I can't imagine what the computer was thinking when it matched us up. Him: Computers are finite-state machines: they do not think. Someone input the wrong data into the program, that's all. Her: We have absolutely nothing in common. Besides, you have all the manners and social graces of a 5th level Scrubbletrang. Him: A 5th level Scrubbletrang? Scrubbletrangs are very rare below the 3rd level unless...wait a minute, how do you know about Scrubbletrangs? Do you play "Voyage to the Plane of Death"? Random Access Humor Page 6 January 1995 Her: Play? I'm a "Voyage" master. I've completed all 12 levels in all three sequels to the game. Did you hear that they will be coming out with another sequel in two months? You don't seem the "Voyage" type? Him: Are you kidding? I love the game. Can't get enough of it! Wow! It is amazing to find someone who knows so much about the most perfect computer game ever written. How long did it take you to figure out to use the candle to subdue the evil... Waiter: Will there be anything else this evening? Him: Go away! Can't you see I'm having an intimate conversation with my girlfriend here? Her: That's right! Go away and leave us alone. What were you saying, dear? {RAH} -------------- Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA. He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Greg can be reached via email at: gborek@dreamforge.com --------------------------------------------------------------------- Attack Of The X Demographic by Dave Bealer Boomers Rule! Or at least we used to. As the largest generation in American history, we Baby Boomers are used to being the center of attention. Thousands of brand new schools were built for our specific use in the 1950s and 1960s, not that we appreciated them all that much at the time. We had bigger parties than anyone else (e.g. Woodstock), more drugs, free love, and consequently less surviving brain cells (on average) than any generation before or since. Things change, however, even for the Boomers. We took our time about it, but many of us eventually started raising families. Frequently we skipped the "marry and settle down" prelude, not accustomed to being bound by tradition. Still, a peaceful, clean Earth suddenly became less an exercise in idealism we desired for ourselves, than something OUR children needed to live long, safe, happy lives. Never mind that as soon as they become teenagers, our kids go off tilting at their own windmills. At least their windmills are made from recycled materials. Boomers have, on the whole, ended up with more traditional jobs than they expected. Geodesic dome installation and repair did not become the growth industry that had been envisioned. Neither did commune planning or wind farm operation (except in the District of Columbia, where the hot air blowing out of Congress keeps the lights burning 24 hours/day). Random Access Humor Page 7 January 1995 A disturbing number of Boomers ended up with careers in real estate, insurance, law enforcement, law evasion, and other traditional trades/professions. Someone has to build and install our hot tubs, decks, satellite dishes, big screen televisions with stereo speakers, microwave digital toothbrushes, and other non-materialistic accoutrements. Yep, the Boomers turned into consumers. Not just average consumers, but the biggest, most gluttonous and short tempered gang of mall lizards ever to descend on a rummage sale. The kind of spendthrift group that makes the folks who do marketing demographics drool all over their charts and graphs. Now, after years of incessant courting by the marketing majors (and other vile detritus) of the world, we're being dumped like a load of week-old mackerel. The problem is we're getting older. One would think that would be good, at least from a marketing perspective. People in their forties and fifties typically hold senior positions in their respective fields, earning more than they ever did before. Although the people who market Mercedes-Benzes and trusses target the "more mature" demographics, the folks who peddle clothing, sunglasses, fast food, music, sunblock, and electronics lust after that Holy Grail of marketing, the 18-34 demographic. As one of the youngest members of the Baby Boomers proper, I'm already three years past that upper range of marketing cool. Does that make me a Late Boomer? I've always been considered a late bloomer. In any event, my status was brought home to me recently when the "classic rock" radio station I've been listening to while driving to and from work for ten years was suddenly transformed into a "Generation X" station. That's right, a whole radio station dedicated to the so-called music of a generation that refuses to give out its real name. I decided to give this "X" music a try for a few days. At least it didn't include any rap music, which I can't stand. (The realization that I was getting old struck a couple years ago when I caught myself saying the exact same things about rap music that my parents said about rock music.) In the long run it was no good. After so many years I needed to hear those soothingly familiar sounds from the sixties and seventies. Since I'm apparently the last conservative in America who doesn't listen to talk radio, finding a new music station was mandatory. Eventually I found an FM station that plays music from the 1970s. It's not all rock music, but at least it's familiar -- it keeps me happy as I drive to the mall. I can't afford a Mercedes right now, so I'm going out to buy a truss. {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- Sound Byte: "She turned me into a Newt!" "Yes, Mr. Speaker. Now, about this Witch Burning bill..." Random Access Humor Page 8 January 1995 Recipe: Lemon Curry Stir-Fry by Dave Bealer I come from a long line of good cooks...actually, it's more like a wide line of good cooks. Wizardry in the kitchen is the family blessing, but eating too much of our conjurations is the family curse. Back in the mid-eighties I became fascinated with stir-fry cooking. This isn't too surprising, since I've always liked oriental food. It wasn't long before I started creating my own recipes. One of my more unusual creations is a sauce inspired by episode #33 of Monty Python's Flying Circus. That's the episode where various characters throughout the program stop in mid-sentence and say, "Lemon curry?" So here it is, my Lemon Curry Stir-Fry recipe: Sauce: ----- 2 teaspoons curry powder (mild or hot) 1 tablespoon concentrated lemon juice 2 slices fresh ginger root (minced) 1 tablespoon Rice Vinegar 1 tablespoon Rice Wine 1 tablespoon Light Soy Sauce 1 teaspoon minced garlic ground Szechuan Pepper (to taste) ground telicherry (black) pepper (to taste) 2 tablespoons Peanut Oil Meat: 3/4 pound - 1 pound chicken, beef, or whatever you have laying around. Dice meat into cubes. Veggies: I always use diced onions, either green onions or spanish onions. Usually I include carrots, green peppers, fresh mushrooms and bean sprouts, when available. Oriental tradition is to dice and/or slice the veggies into sizes/shapes similar to the meat. For further oriental authenticity, you might try adding some canned (or fresh if you can get them) Bamboo Shoots and Water Chestnuts. Directions: ---------- Put peanut oil into hot wok, coat sides. Add ginger and garlic. Fry for about 30 seconds. Add Onions and carrots. Fry for about 2 minutes, while adding ground pepper (both kinds). Add meat and fry until slightly brown. Add green peppers, mushrooms. Fry for about 2 minutes, while adding wine, vinegar, soy sauce, lemon juice and curry powder. Add bamboo shoots and/or water chestnuts, if used. Fry for 1 minute. Random Access Humor Page 9 January 1995 Add bean sprouts (or other soft vegetables), if used. Fry for about 30-45 seconds. Remove from heat. If you REALLY want to go for the full Monty Python effect, why not try SPAM as the meat in this dish? If you need some, I have an unopened can of SPAM left over from a Monty Python party/film festival I hosted a couple years ago. {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- NEW FROM WAFFLEWARE!! You are President Clinton, it is a month before the '94 elections, and things do not look good. Polls indicate that the GOP is very likely to gain the majority in the Senate and make significant gains in the House as well. If matters weren't worse, many governorships across the country are on the brink of shifting to the GOP's right wing ideologies as well. You are faced with... CLINTON'S CONGRESS CALAMITY!!! As President of the United States of America, you must prevent the GOP from coming into power and thwarting your liberal schemes! But it won't be easy. Here's a sample of what is in store from you: o Refute Newt Gingrich's "Contract With America" as a bunch of typical Republican policies designed to take money from the poor and elderly to make the rich richer and the deficit larger. o Confront the various claims and accusations which are continually being made by radio talk show hosts such as Rush Limbaugh. o Use propaganda to downplay the eighties and Reaganomics as the decade of greed and imply the GOP wants to take the country back to this cold era of American history. o Encourage Democratic candidates to have you come to their home towns and endorse them, even though record has it their polls drop once you come to see them. The fate of your presidency and the Democratic Party is in your hands! Are you up to the challenge? *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* SPECIAL BONUS! Purchase "Clinton's Congress Calamity" now and you will also receive the "Clinton Decision Maker". Now you can make all your important decisions with the same methods used by Clinton himself. This unique program even allows you to take one stand on an issue today and then take the opposite stand the next day if necessary. Remember, this is a limited time offer so act fast! WaffleWare - We make the software for the future. Wait, no we don't! Random Access Humor Page 10 January 1995 ===================================================================== <<(*=-- DREAM FORGE --=*)>> MAGAZINE <<((*=-- The electronic for your mind! --=*))>> ===================================================================== (formerly RANDOM ACCESS HUMOR and RUNE'S RAG) DREAM FORGE Dream Forge, Inc., 6400 Baltimore National Pike, # 201 Baltimore, MD 21228-3915 Modem: (410) 437-3463 (data to 28800 bps) Publisher: Dave Bealer Managing Editor: Rick Arnold DREAM FORGE (tm) is a monthly emagazine for a thinking and literate readership. What goes into DREAM FORGE? Take the zany satire and taglines that made RANDOM ACCESS HUMOR an international sensation, then carefully blend the insightful commentary and fiction of RUNE'S RAG. Shake well (it annoys the staff), and you have DREAM FORGE, a new magazine for the brave new world of cyberspace. The January and February issues of DREAM FORGE will be free demo issues. Starting with the March 1995 issue, DREAM FORGE will only be available to subscribers, or those who purchase individual copies from Official DREAM FORGE Distributors located throughout cyberspace. DREAM FORGE Subscription Rates (all amounts are in US dollars): INDIVIDUAL: - via Internet e-mail, or picked up by subscriber from the publisher's BBS) $12/yr. - via Regular Mail on 3.5" DOS Disk: $24/yr. (US/Canada only) (residents of other countries, inquire for rates) To subscribe, mail your check or money order (made payable to Dream Forge, Inc.) to: Dream Forge, Inc. 6400 Baltimore National Pike, #201 Baltimore, MD. 21228-3915 For internet subscriptions, include your email address. If you will pick up the issues at the publisher's BBS, include your desired User Name and password. * DREAM FORGE is a trademark of Dream Forge, Inc. ===================================================================== Other DF documents available: writers@dreamforge.com DREAM FORGE Writer's Guidelines odfd@dreamforge.com Info for prospective Official DREAM FORGE Distributors Random Access Humor Page 11 January 1995 Announcements and Observations Vaporware CEO Luther Lecks announced that there is no truth to the rumors that gunfire was heard at Vaporware headquarters in late December. "It's true that some nosy sneaks from the Securities and Exchange Commission were pokin' around, but we satisfied their curiosity." Lecks refused to elaborate on the nature of the SEC investigation. Lecks did mention that, "Someone may have been setting off fireworks (without company approval) to celebrate New Year's Day." When it was pointed out to Mr. Lecks that New Year's Day was still over a week away when the alleged incident took place, he explained that it was "Bolivian New Year's Day. We have a lot of Bolivians working here -- they may have been celebrating." - - - In unrelated news, two agents from the San Francisco office of the Securities and Exchange Commission are missing. The FBI is investigating. - - - The Puffin's Nest BBS is no more. The Virtual Word BBS went online December 18, 1994. Running a U.S. Robotics V.Everything modem, The Virtual Word will support writers, electronic publishers, and all those with a sense of humor. - - - DREAM FORGE BBS will go online February 1, 1995. A two-line Wildcat system, it will share FidoNet message areas with The Virtual Word. DREAM FORGE will also offer subscribers access to internet email and USENET newsgroups. BBS Subscribers will also receive an individual subscription to DREAM FORGE Magazine. Rates and phone numbers will be announced in February. - - - The deadline for submissions for the February 1995 issue of RAH (and Dream Forge) is 01/20/94. --------------------------------------------------------------------- --- Bumper Stickers Seen On The Information Superhighway For sale: parachute, used once, never opened, small stain. Why did the Howells pack so much for a three hour tour? Make headlines! Use a cordoroy pillow! ...collect call from Earth, will you accept? Confusion not only reigns, it pours... And God said, "I'll buy a vowel." If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. Just a modern modem mage cruising the electronic highways. Speak the truth, but leave the motor running. Random Access Humor Page 12 January 1995 Smith & Wesson: the original "point and click" interface. I don't cheat, I play by the extended rules. So easy to use a child can do it. Child sold separately. At Windows, quality is job 1.1 There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own cats. And I thought phrenology with a ball peen hammer was a dying art. What part of my brilliance don't you understand. To eat, perchance, to barf. Happiness is a state of mind. Not happy? Change your mind. Lord, give me patience... right now! Life's a bitch, but some of the puppies are cute. I am Procrastitron. I will destroy you, eventually. When you've got no choice, be brave. Waitress! (glare) This roadkill is not properly aged! A darkroom is not the best place to develop a reputation. If chocolate is the answer, the question is irrelevent. Never question authority. It doesn't know either. My body is a temple, and my mouth is a concession stand. The Comma Sutra - the guide to Grammatic Satisfaction. Some of my best personalities are insane! Paradigms - you know what they say, "shift happens." Gimme $50 or I'll tell Janet Reno you're a cult member. "I am a jelly doughnut." - John F. Kennedy You gotta know when to code 'em, know when to modem... What is the airspeed of a swallow on unleaded? Smoke may indicate you have passed maximum performance. Professor: one who talks in someone else's sleep. Random Access Humor Page 13 January 1995 Tactics: breath freshener for dyslexics. Graduate of the Uncle Fester School of Party Etiquette. Go ahead, make my danish. I'm into BBS&M. Random Access Humor Page A-1 January 1995 Random Access Humor Masthead: Editor & Publisher: Dave Bealer Associate Editor: Greg Borek Advertising Director: Ray Koziel Contact: The Virtual Word BBS FidoNet: 1:261/1129 (1200-28800/V.34) BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-16800/HST) Internet: dbealer@dreamforge.com gborek@dreamforge.com Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!) Random Access Humor c/o Dave Bealer P.O. Box 595 Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA >> Legal Junk << Random Access Humor (RAH) is published ten times a year (September - June) by Dave Bealer as a disservice to the online community. Although the publisher's BBS may be a part of one or more networks at any time, RAH is not affiliated with any BBS network or online service. RAH is a compilation of individual articles contributed by their authors. The contribution of articles to this compilation does not diminish the rights of the authors. The opinions expressed in RAH are those of the authors and are not necessarily those of the publisher. This entire publication is a work of satire (except for these legal bits here). If anyone takes offense to something published herein, the fault (a lack of a sense of humor) lies with them and not with the magazine. The editors and publisher will not be held responsible for the use or misuse of any information contained in this magazine. Random Access Humor is Copyright 1995 Dave Bealer. All Rights Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non- commercial purposes only. RAH may not be distributed on diskette or in hardcopy form for a fee without express written permission from the publisher. For any other use, contact the publisher. RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not modified. RAH may not be posted, in whole or in part, on public conferences. Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies on diskette for their own personal use only. RAH may not be distributed in combination with any other publication or product. Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of their respective owners. Random Access Humor Page A-2 January 1995 >> Where to Get RAH << Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Virtual Word BBS (FREQ: RAH), or from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may be obtained by download or file request from The Virtual Word BBS. Internet users may obtain RAH back issues as UUENCODED files attached to e-mail. Free subscriptions are also available via mailing lists. For more info, send an e-mail message to: rahinfo@rah.clark.net The subject line and body can contain anything or be blank. RAH is also available on the Internet via FTP: etext.archive.umich.edu (192.131.22.8) dir: /pub/Zines/RAH (ASCII Text edition compressed with gzip) ftp.clark.net (168.143.0.2) dir: /ftp/pub/rah (ASCII Text edition uncompressed - RAHyymm.TXT) (ASCII Text edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymm.ZIP) (READROOM.TOC edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymmR.ZIP) >> Writing For RAH << Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail (with file attaches) may also be sent via Internet to: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory extension. If your article does not conform to these simple specs, it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative names as RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly minded contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file names in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more e-mail messages. As the volume of mail increases it may not be possible to make personalized responses to all submissions or correspondence received. The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication, so keep it (mostly) clean. RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication: 1) Any material in the public domain. 2) Material for which you own the copyright, or represent the copy- right holder. If you wrote it yourself, you are automatically the copyright holder. Random Access Humor Page A-3 January 1995 In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material, and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it electronically in the usual manner. Your article may be selected for publication in a planned "Best of RAH" electronic book. If you want your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical name, date of previous publication. RAH Distribution System: (All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.) The Virtual Word Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 28800 (V.Everything) Current RAH Issue (text format): FReq: RAH Current RAH Issue (Readroom format): FReq: RAHR Back Issues of RAH: (text) FReq: RAHyymm.ZIP (RAH9209.ZIP for premiere issue) Back Issues of RAH: (Readroom) FReq: RAHyymmR.ZIP (RAH9302R.ZIP and later only) Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST European Gateway: Digital Frame Voorschoten, Netherlands Sysop: Ed Bakker FidoNet> 2:281/101 31-71-617784 14400 (V.32bis) Digital-Net> 15:200/512 MomNet> 71:2000/2 Official RAH Distributors: -= AUSTRALIA =- Northern Territory Images Unlimited Darwin 3:850/110 61-89-41-1630 V.32bis -= BELGIUM =- Proteus/2 Brussels 2:291/711 32-2-3752539 V.32bis -= CANADA =- Alberta The Darkland BBS Edmonton 1:342/808 (403) 486-5835 V.32bis Ontario Typecast BBS Kingston 1:249/107 (613) 531-0479 V.FC The Next Level Scarborough 1:250/302 (416) 299-1164 Z19 Echo Valley Vanier 1:243/26 (613) 749-1016 V.32bis Uncle Sphincter's Westover 1:221/279 (519) 624-0134 HST/Dual -= FRANCE =- The Data Zone Versailles 2:320/218 33-1-39633662 V.32bis Random Access Humor Page A-4 January 1995 -= GERMANY =- The Harddisk Cafe Nidderau 2:244/1682 49-6187-21739 Z19 -= ICELAND =- The Vision BBS Keflavik 2:391/20 354-2-14626 V.32bis -= ITALY =- Temple of Knowledge Rome (NoFido) 39-6-546880 Z19 -= NETHERLANDS =- BIB Aalten Aalten 2:283/401 31-54-3774203 V.32bis BBS Sussudio Denhaag 2:281/517 31-70-3212177 V.FC TouchDown Hoofddorp 2:280/401 31-2503-24677 HST/Dual Pleasure BBS Utrecht 2:281/705 31-30-934123 V.32bis Digital Frame Voorschoten 2:281/101 31-71-617784 V.FC -= PORTUGAL =- The Mail House II Loures 2:362/29 351-1-9890010 V.32bis The MAD BBS V.N.Gaia 2:363/9 351-2-3706922 V.32 -= SAUDI ARABIA =- MidEast Connection Riyadh (NoFido) 966-1-4410075 V.32bis -= SLOVENIA =- R.I.S.P. Ljubljana 2:380/103 38-61-1599400 V.32bis -= UNITED STATES =- Alabama J & J Online Chickasaw 1:3625/440 (205) 457-5901 HST/Dual Arizona Mission Control Flagstaff (NoFido) (602) 527-1854 V.FC California InfoMat BBS San Clemente (P&BNet) (714) 492-8727 HST/Dual Automation Central San Jose 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 V.32bis Connecticut ModemNews Express Stamford (P&BNet) (203) 359-2299 V.32bis Florida Ruby's Joint Jacksonville 1:112/129 (904) 777-6799 V.FC The Software Cuisine Miami 1:135/57 (305) 642-0754 V.32bis Georgia D.W.'s Toolbox Jonesboro 1:133/1719 (404) 471-6636 V.32bis Hawaii Casa de la Chinchilla Honolulu (NoFido) (808) 845-1303 HST/Dual Idaho Phantasia BBS Boise 1:347/25 (208) 939-2682 V.32bis Random Access Humor Page A-5 January 1995 Illinois The Crossroads BBS Chicago 1:115/743 (312) 587-8756 HST/Dual Indiana Digicom Evansville 1:2310/200 (812) 474-2263 V.FC Maryland Wit-Tech Baltimore 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 V.32bis Outside the Wall Baltimore 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 V.32 The File Exchange Cockeysville 1:261/1134 (410) 744-1102 V.Every Pooh's Corner Fells Point 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 V.32bis Cybersystems Frederick 1:109/713 (301) 662-8948 V.FC The Puffin's Nest Pasadena 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 V.Every Michigan Didi's Place Dearborn Heights 1:2410/120 (313) 563-8940 V.32bis Mississippi Ranch & Cattle South Columbus (NoFido) (601) 328-6486 V.32bis New Mexico High Mesa Publishing Los Lunas 1:301/1 (505) 865-8385 V.32bis Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas 1:301/301 (505) 865-4082 V.32bis New York The Batcave Brooklyn 1:278/204 (718) 694-0433 HST/Dual Oregon Bitter Butter Better Tigard 1:105/290 (503) 620-0307 V.32 Pennsylvania Writer's Biz Greenville 1:2601/522 (412) 588-7863 V.32bis Milliways Pittsburgh 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 HST/Dual Tennessee The Outback Cottage Grove 1:3664/5 (901) 782-3513 V.32bis Texas Incredible BBS Burleson 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 HST/Dual C-Link Grand Prairie 1:124/7022 (214) 223-8338 V.32bis Utah Vital Signs West Jordan 1:311/20 (801) 255-8909 V.32bis Virginia Wings and Wheels Chesapeake 1:275/9 (804) 420-2880 V.FC Washington Spokane Online Spokane 1:346/20 (509) 326-1123 V.32bis Dragon's Cave Tacoma 1:138/198 (206) 752-4160 V.32bis West Virginia Blue Powder BBS St. Albans 1:279/27 (304) 727-6733 V.32bis Random Access Humor Page A-6 January 1995 Wisconsin The First Step BBS Green Bay 1:139/540 (414) 499-6646 V.32bis ===================================================================== Although not official RAH distributors, the following large commercial systems carry RAH. (Uploaded by the editor himself.) Channel 1 Cambridge, MA. (617) 354-8873 (Readroom) EXEC-PC Elm Grove, WI. (414) 789-4210 (Readroom) SPACE Menlo Park, CA. (415) 323-4193 Software Creations Clinton, MA. (508) 368-4137