home
***
CD-ROM
|
disk
|
FTP
|
other
***
search
/
ftp.wwiv.com
/
ftp.wwiv.com.zip
/
ftp.wwiv.com
/
pub
/
BBS
/
OPUS17GE.ZIP
/
O17MSCGE.ARJ
/
QUOTES1.BBS
< prev
next >
Wrap
File List
|
1991-10-18
|
45KB
|
1,395 lines
Diese Quotes wollte ich nicht in die deutsche Sprache uebersetzen,
weil ich sie in der Original-Fassung fuer origineller halte...
Ausserdem sollte das jeder OPUS-Sysop selbst uebersetzen (koennen),
falls er es als sinnvoll ansieht...
Fred Busch
(2:249/14)
=====================================================================
Is a computer language with GOTO's totally Wirth-less?
The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth to
assembler.
;
The assembler gave birth to the computer. Now there are ten thousand
languages.
;
Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language expresses the
yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within the Tao.
;
But do not program in Cobol if you can avoid it.
-The Tao of Programming
by Geoffrey James
He who hesitates is last
A man's house is his hassle.
An engineer is someone who does list processing in Fortran.
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
In case of injury notify your superior immediately - He'll kiss it and
make it better!
GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.
Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
Shift to the left, shift to the right, mask in, mask out... BYTE, BYTE,
BYTE
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
Friction is a drag.
Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
Biology grows on you.
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
A man's best friend is his dogma.
A penny saved is ridiculous
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
I disagree with what you say, but will t defend to the death your right
to tell such LIES!
Every interesting program has at least , one variable, one branch
and one loop.......... And at least one bug!
That does not compute.
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing
equipment.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
Old musicians never die, they just de-compose.
We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
Somebody's terminal is dropping bits. I found a pile of them over
in the corner.
If it works, Don't fix it.
He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
Gravity brings me down.
When you're up to your hips in alligators You forget the
original project was to drain the swamp.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your
door.
While money can't buy happiness it certainly lets you choose
your own form of misery .
The cost of feathers has risen.... Now even down is up!
Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.
Morfy's law - Enythink thit ken go rong willl.
Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
He who laughs last is probably your boss.
It is hard to fly with the eagle when s you work with the turkeys.
Basic is a high level languish.
Prunes give you a run for your money.
Drilling for oil is boring.
Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
Teachers have class.
Found on a door in the MSU music : building:
This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
Constants aren't; variables don't.
You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
Depart in pieces.... i.e., Split.
Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
Celibacy is NOT hereditary.
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid.
Open it and you remove all doubt.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
Weekend, where are you??
Individualists unite!
Money is the root of all wealth.
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
Remember, the fact that you're paranoid doesn't mean they're
NOT out to get you!
Happiness is twin floppies.
Happiness is a hard disk.
Teamwork is vital !!
(It gives you ! someone to blame.)
If you eat yogurt you'll have lots of culture.
If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane!
The expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on
to the grand fallacy.
Documentation is the castor oil of programming ... Managers know
it must be good because the programmer hate it so much.
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of it capacity
- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
The bearing of a child takes nine months no matter how many
women are assigned to the project.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to
chance.
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming
must be the process of putting them in.
Recursive, adj.; see Recursivee
An expert is someone from out of town.
F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!
Poverty begins at home.
In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
Old frogs never die, But they do croak!
COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
Every time I lose weight, It finds me again!
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable terms.
Velocity, for instance, will be in furlongs per fortnight.
Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward the maximum
difficulty for assembly.
Any wire cut to specified length will be too short.
If a project needs "n" components, there will be "n-1" such
components in stock.
The motor will rotate in the wrong direction.
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
Any transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse
by blowing first.
In new equipment, a failure will not occur until the unit has passed
final inspection.
A purchased component or instrument will meet specifications long
enough and only long enough to pass incoming inspection.
After the last 16 mounting screws have been removed from the access
cover, it will be discovered that the wrong cover has been removed.
When the last 16 mounting of the proper cover have been removed, it
will be discovered that the two screws holding the cover in place have
yet to be removed.
Always remove the last screw first.
After the access cover has been secured by 16 hold down screws, it
will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted.
After an instrument has been finally assembled, extra components will
be found on the bench.
Interchangeable parts won't.
Manufacturer's specifications of performance shall be multiplied by
a factor of .5 .
Installation and operation instructions shipped with the instrument
will be promptly discarded by the receiving department.
It works better if you plug it in.
It won't work.
Experience varies directly with the amount of equipment ruined.
In computer programming, the one language all programmers will know
best is profanity.
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you
know the answer.
In the mathematics for electronics, variables won't; constants aren't.
To study a subject best, you must understand it thoroughly before
you start. - Rules for experimentation: -
Always keep a record of data--it will be the only evidence you've
been working. - Rules for experimentation: -
Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.
- Rules for experimentation: -
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
- Rules for experimentation: -
Experiments should be reproducible--they should all fail in the
same way. - Rules for experimentation: -
No experiment is ever a complete failure-- it can always serve
a negative example. - Rules for experimentation: -
Do not believe in miracles--rely on them.
- Rules for experimentation: -
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Whom computers would destroy they must first drive insane .
Clones are people two.
Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? It's quite uncanny.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at
once.
There's no future in time travel.
Take an astronaut to launch.
Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
Small programs are for small minds.
All programmers want arrays!
Two can live as cheaply as one,
for half as long.
Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
Astronauts get missile-toe.
If your feet smell and your nose runs-you're built upside down.
Part-time musicians are semiconductors.
It is impossible to make anything foolprool...
because fools are so ingenious.
Interchangeable parts won't.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to
go to erase it.
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal if you
don't use your thumbs.
Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal if you
are all thumbs.
We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the
programmers.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been defined several
times by example of what it is not.
If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
He who puts his nose to the grindstone is a bloody fool.
Practiss makes perfict.
The devil finds work for idle glands.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
The best things in life are for a fee.
Topologists are just plane folks.
Pilots are just plane folks.
Carpenters are just plane folks.
Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
Musicians are just playin' folks.
You can fool some of the people all of the time...
and all of the people some of the time...
but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Astronauts are out to launch.
There is no such thing as a "Fail Safe" design.
No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
Don't ask me; I was hired for my looks.
All I ask for is an opportunity to prove that money doesn't buy
happiness.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa.
Remember,
the paper is always strongest at the perforations.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Smile! It makes people wonder what you've been up to.
Smile! Things can only get worse.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance.
There are two kinds of people in this world:
Those that want to BE something
and those that want to DO something.
(There is less competition in the second category.
Ill play with it first and tell you what it is later.
MILES DAVIS
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the
opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
NIELS BOHR
Just because everything is different doesnt mean anything has changed.
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA ORACLE
The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human
mind to correlate all its contents.
H P LOVECRAFT
I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
MAE WEST
When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one
Ive never tried before.
MAE WEST
It is a rather pleasent experience to be alone in a bank at night.
WILLIE SUTTON
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.
BILLY ROSE
The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs.
KARL MARX
If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a lot of
it ... it would have been much better.
KARL MARX'S MOTHER
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the
largest shopping center in the world?
RICHARD M NIXON
When I sell liquor, its called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
it on Lake Shore Drive, its called hospitality.
AL CAPONE
Anything anybody can say about America is true.
EMMETT GROGAN
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land
in Los Angeles.
FRANK LLOYD WRIGHT
Use it up ... Wear it out.
Make it do ... Or do without.
US WORLD WAR II MESSAGE
You cant underestimate the power of fear.
TRICIA NIXON
The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this
incredible jailbreak.
WAVY GRAVY
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
BUCKMINSTER FULLER
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
DWIGHT D EISENHOWER
College isnt the place to go for ideas.
HELLEN KELLER
Nothing is lost until you begin to look for it.
MURPHY'S LAW
The 90/90 Law of Work Schedules: The first 90% of a job takes the first 90% of
the time; the last 10% of a job takes the last 90% of the time.
MURPHY'S LAW
Every good idea has disadvantages equal to or greater than it's advantages.
MURPHY'S LAW
The probability of something happening is inversely proportional to it's
desirability.
MURPHY'S LAW
Things will get worse before they get better, and nobody said they were going
to get better.
MURPHY'S LAW
Left to themselves, things always go from bad to worse.
MURPHY'S LAW
Everything takes longer than it takes.
MURHPY'S LAW
Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
MURPHY'S LAW
Such are the ways of all who get gain by violence; it takes away the life of
it's possessors.
PROVERBS 1:19
The lips of the righteous feed many, but fools die for lack of sense.
PROVERBS 10:21
He who belittles his neighbor lacks sense, but a man of understanding remains
silent.
PROVERBS 11:12
Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid.
PROVERBS 12:1
A prudent man conceals his knowledge, but fools proclaim their folly.
PROVERBS 12:23
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
PROVERBS 15:1
A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets
contention.
PROVERBS 15:18
He who is often reproved, yet stiffens his neck will suddenly be broken beyond
healing.
PROVERBS 29:1
Scoffers set a city aflame, but wise men turn away wrath.
PROVERBS 28:8
Better is a neighbor who is near than a brother who is far away.
PROVERBS 27:10b
Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns
and detective stories.
ARTHUR C CLARKE
Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearence of magic.
ARTHUR C CLARKE
Justice is incedental to law and order.
J EDGAR HOOVER
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
GROUCHO MARX
Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still dont know what I want to be
when I grow up.
PETER DRUCKER
How can you be two places at once when youre not anywhere at all?
FIRESIGN THEATER
We are what we pretend to be.
KURT VONNEGUT, JR
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
OSCAR WILDE
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong -
but thats the way to bet.
DAMON RUNYON
I could prove God statistically.
GEORGE GALLUP
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
with our frail and feeble mind.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Real wealth can only increase.
R BUCKMINSTER FULLER
Anyone can hate. it costs to love.
JOHN WILLIAMSON
In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true
or becomes true.
JOHN LILLY
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
GRAFFITI
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
TALLULAH BANKHEAD
A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.
GEORGE WALD
It was always thus; and even if 'twere not, 'twould inevitably have been
always thus.
DEAN LATTIMER
Burnt Sienna. Thats the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
KEN WEAVER
We dont know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasnt a fish.
JOHN CULKIN
Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest.
MARK TWAIN
You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of
yourself that you truly give.
KAHLIL GIBRAN
I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have
been from you.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
Please dont lie to me, unless youre absolutely sure Ill never find
out the truth.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
Please dont ask me what the score is, Im not even sure what the game is.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
If you cant learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
I dont have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
Maybe Im lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the
wrong direction.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task
completely overwhelm me.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you
hit the target.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence
without civilization in between.
OSCAR WILDE
The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
ALAN COULT
If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
presumably flunk it.
STANLEY GARN
The world looks as if it has been left in the custody of trolls.
FATHER ROBERT F CAPON
Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
men in national government too.
RICHARD M NIXON
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
DWIGHT D EISENHOWER
If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution
inevitiable.
JOHN F KENNEDY
"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be; and if
it were so, it would be; but as it isnt, it aint. Thats logic."
LEWIS CARROLL
It takes a long time to understand nothing.
EDWARD DAHLBERG
To know the world one must construct it.
CESARE PAVESE
Eeny Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak.
BULLWINKLE MOOSE
The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out.
TENESSEE WILLIAMS
An object never serves the same function as its image- or its name.
RENE MAGRITTE
All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
ya dont go lookin' for rutabagas.
KINGFISH
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
M C ESCHER
Law of Computability Applied to Social Sciences:
If at first you don't suceed, transform your data set.
Laws of Computer Programming
(1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
(2) Any given program costs more and takes longer.
(3) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
(4) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
(5) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
(6) The value of a program is porportional to the
weight of its output.
(7) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the
programmer who must maintain it.
(8) Make it possible for programmers to write programs in
English, and you will find that programmers cannot write
in English.
SIGPLAN Notices, Vol 2 No 2
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
CALVIN COOLIDGE
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
PAUL ERLICH
If A equals success, then the formula is:
A= X + Y + Z
X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are
you wont either.
JOSEPH FISCHER
Fourth Law of Thermodymanics:
If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is
damn near zero.
DAVID ELLIS
Frouds Law:
A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the
fuse by blowing first.
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights.
J PAUL GETTY
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he
encounters needs pounding.
ABRAHAM KAPLAN
The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems.
ROGER LEVIAN
Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there
is some ordinance under which you can be booked.
ROBERT D SPRECHT (RAND CORP)
Thoreau's Law:
If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of
doing you good, you should run for your life.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
GERALD WEINBERG
Zimmerman's Law of Complaints:
Nobody notices when things go right.
Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance.
CONFUCIUS
Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein.
BOOK OF PROVERBS
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good
impromptu speech.
MARK TWAIN
The unnatural, that too is natural.
GOETHE
I used to be indecisive; now Im not sure.
GRAFFITI
I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didnt like it.
SAMUEL GOLDWYN
He hasn't one redeeming vice.
OSCAR WILDE
There is away that seems right to a man, but it's end is the way to death.
PROVERBS 14:12
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
GRAFFITI
(To Walter Cronkite):
"Well Walter, I believe that the Good Lord gave us a finite number
of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running
up and down a street"
- Neil Armstrong -
" 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability"
- George Bernard Shaw -
"Make no little plans. They have no Magic to stir Men's blood."
D. B. Hudson -
"Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more '
user-friendly'.... Their best approach, so far, has been to take
all the old brochures, and stamp the words, 'user-friendly' on the cover."
Bill Gates,Pres.,Microsoft,Inc. -
Eight Things your computer won't do:
1) It won't save you money
2) It won't make your organization run right
3) It won't solve every problem
4) It won't run itself
5) It won't always be right
6) It won't meet all its own needs
7) It won't protect itself
8) It won't become obsolete
J. Makower -
Bradley's Bromide:
If computers get too powerful,we can organize them into a committee...
that will do them in.
Civilization Law #1:
Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations
one can do without thinking about them.
Ketterling's Law:
Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
"Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his moral standards
upon 'B', 'A' is most likely a scoundrel"
H. L. Mencken -
"Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations"
- Thomas Jefferson -
"We must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately"
- Benjamin Franklin -
"Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried"
- Thomas Jefferson -
"Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained
control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles"
- Pat Paulsen -
"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself"
- Camus -
"Six years for possession of a cigarette?...I got six months
for possession of a deadly weapon!"
- cartoon by S. Harris -
The Swartzberg Test:
The validity of a science is its ability to predict.
"There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
striving of the human race"
- Alfred North Whitehead -
"My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of
human systems, and I am convinced that we are terribly
vulnerable.... We should be reluctant to turn back upon the
frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent to what we
do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether
or not we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to
space, because the grand, slow march of intelligence has brought
us, in our generation, to a point from which we can explore and
understand and utilize it. To turn back now would be to deny
our history, our capabilities."
- James A. Michener -
"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick!"
- Bill Kirchenbaum, comedian -
"To err is human, to compute divine. Trust your computer but
not its programmer"
- Morris Kingston -
"I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but
I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head"
- George Wallace -
"You don't have to explain something you never said"
- Calvin Coolidge -
"A little caution outflanks a large cavalry"
- Bismarck -
"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money"
- Everett Dirksen -
"The personal computer market is about the same size as the
total potato chip market. Next year it will be about half the
size of the pet food market and is fast approaching the total
worldwide sales of pantyhose"
- James Finke,Pres.,Commodore Int'l Ltd.(1982) -
"I like a man who grins when he fights."
- Winston Churchill -
"There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true."
- Winston Churchill -
"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he
will pick himself up and carry on..."
- Winston Churchill -
"God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday,
and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday,
Thursday, and Saturday."
- William Bragg -
"Pioneering basically amounts to finding new and more horrible ways to die"
- John W. Campbell -
"That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest"
- Thoreau -
Life is not one thing after another.... it's the same
damn thing over and over!
After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.
Any given program, when running correctly, is obsolete.
Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe,
and he'll believe you.... Tell him that a bench has wet paint
upon it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.
"Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and
thinking what no one else has thought."
- Albert Szent-Gyorgi -
"Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals"
- "Oh, Lucky Man" -
I really hate this damn machine,
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does just what I want,
But only what I tell it.
"Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters;
united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels"
- Goya -
"Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon
the wall instead of using it"
- Gordon R. Dickson -
"Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbor."
- Toynbee -
"We have met the enemy and he is us"
- Walt Kelly (in POGO) -
"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed
adultery, are now extinct."
- M. Somerset Maugham -
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
- Bert Lantz -
"The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity."
- Oscar Wilde -
Ode to Turbulent Flow:
Big whirls have little whirls
Which feed on their velocity,
And little whirls have lesser whirls
And so on, to viscosity.
"IBM uses what I like to call the 'hole-in-the-ground technique'
to destroy the competition..... IBM digs a big HOLE in the
ground and covers it with leaves. It then puts a big POT
OF GOLD nearby. Then it gives the call, 'Hey, look at all
this gold, get over here fast.' As soon as the competitor
approaches the pot, he falls into the pit"
- John C. Dvorak -
"There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them"
- Heisenberg -
"It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling
to get adapted to my kind of fooling"
- R. Frost -
"Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!"
- Ben Jonson -
Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have
another drink. -- Unknown
Life is what happens while you are making other plans. -- John
Lennon (1940-1980)
Perhaps there is no life after death...There's just Los Angeles.
-- Rich Anderson
For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow
but phone calls taper off. -- Johnny Carson
Early one June morning in 1872 I murdered my father -- an act
which made a deep impression on me at the time. -- Ambrose Bierce
(1842-1914)
If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to
think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to
drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and
procrastination. -- Thomas De Quincey (1785-1859)
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has
its limits. -- Unknown
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's
unfamiliar territory. -- Paul Fix
Only the mediocre are always at their best. -- Jean Giraudoux (1882-1944)
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman
giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. -- Sam
Levenson (1911-1980)
I would rather go to bed with Lillian Russell stark naked than
Ulysses S. Grant in full military regalia. -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same
day. I haven't had time for tobacco since. -- Arturo Toscanini (1867-1957)
Nobody has ever bet enough on the winning horse. -- Overheard at
a track by Richard Sasuly
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. --
"Canada Bill" Jones
Writing is easy. All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper
until drops of blood form on your forehead. -- Gene Fowler (1890-1960)
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man
I ever met. -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written
today. -- Herman Wouk
The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man
who can't read them. -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
The less I behave like Whistler's mother the night before, the
more I look like her the morning after. -- Tallulah Bankhead
(1903-1968)
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to
anyone, but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson
I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just. --
Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)
The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy is its
inefficiency. -- Eugene McCarthy
The mistakes are all there waiting to be made. -- Chessmaster
Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956)
Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the
preservatives they can get. -- Robert Orben
I'm in a phone booth at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk. -- Unknown
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't
know. -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Happiness Is Seeing Lubbock, Texas, in the Rearview Mirror. --
Song Title
What to do in case of emergency:
1. Pick up your hat.
2. Grab your coat.
3. Leave your worries on the doorstep.
4 Direct your feet to the sunny side of the street.
-- Unknown
Are you going to come quietly or do I have to use earplugs?
-- from The Goon Show
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the
belief that one's work is terribly important.
-- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)
The breakfast of champions is not cereal, it's the opposition.
-- Nick Seitz
Cogito ergo spud. I think, therefore I yam. -- Graffito
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. -- Unknown
Fifteen cents of every twenty-two-cent stamp goes for storage.
-- Louis Rukeyser
The difference between Los Angeles and yoghurt is that yoghurt
has an active, living culture. -- Unknown
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
-- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
I haven't been wrong since 1961, when I thought I made a mistake.
-- Bob Hudson
Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
-- Lily Tomlin
Howard Hughes was able to afford the luxury of madness, like a
man who not only thinks he is Napoleon but hires an army to prove
it. -- Ted Morgan
Ninty-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent,
hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent
that get all the publicity. But then we elected them. -- Lily Tomlin
Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of
Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twin (1835-1910)
Orthodox medicine has not found an answer to your complaint.
However, luckily for you, I happen to be a quack. -- Richter
I only like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign. -- Mae West (1893-1980)
If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you WILL BE FIRED with
enthusiasm. -- Vince Lombardi (1913-1970)
A cucumber should be well-sliced, dressed with pepper and
vinegar, and then thrown out. -- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then
he made school boards. -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Tradition is what you resort to when you don't have the time or
the money to do it right. -- Kurt Herbert Adler
If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel.
-- Will Kommen
It is against the law for any postmaster in the United States to
shoot ducks.
"It shall be unlawful for any visiting football team or player to
carry, convey, tote, kick, throw, pass, or otherwise transport or
propel any inflated pigskin across the University of Arizona goal
line or score a safety within the confines of the City of Tucson,
County of Pima, State of Arizona."
"And no person shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to
come nearer than fifty feet of any door or window of any polling
room, from the opening of the polls until the completion of the
count and the certification of the returns." Arkansas Sec. 4761
It is illegal in California to set a mousetrap without a current
valid hunting license. The only game animal, mammal or bird,
that is legal to shoot from an automobile is a whale.
"No maternity hostpital shall receive a child without its mother
except in cases of emergency." Sec. 150, Chp. 78 Colorado
Statutes.
"The carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are
exhibited to public view." Pocatello Idaho
Duties of Fire Chief, Mt. Prospect Idaho - "He shall make it his
special duty to scalp anyone who borrows anything from the fire
engine or any other apparatus."
In Robinson Idaho it is illegal to enter town with a motor
vehicle without first calling City Hall. 6-30-1907
"It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits
of the City of Ottumwa, to wink at any female person with whom he
is unacquainted." Article 173, Chp. 21 Municipal Code of Ottumwa,
Iowa.
"No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within
this state unless she is escorted by at least two officers or
unless she be armed with a club. The provisions of this statute
shall not apply to females weighing less than sixty pounds nor
exceeding two hundred pounds; nor shall it apply to female
horses." -- Kentucky
"It is the inalienable right of the citizen to get drunk." St.
Joseph vs. Harris, 59 Mo. App. 122
"Every person who roams about from place to place without any
lawful business is a vagrant. This shall not apply to Indians."
Montana Section 11621
"It is disorderly conduct for one man to greet another on the
strreet by placing the end of his thumb against the tip of his
nose, at the same time extending and wigglinmg the fingers of his
hand." -- People vs. Gerstenfeld (1915, 156 N.Y.C. 991)
"He desired very much to be married, but that certainly is not
evidence of insanity." Matter of Lawrence (New York 1921, 48
Appellate Division 83)
"A person assaulted and lynched by a mob may recover, from the
county in which such assault is made, a sum not to exceed five
hundred dollars." Ohio General Code, Title II, Chapter 20, p.
1590, Section 6281
It is illegal to place a slot machine in an out-house in Bexley,
Ohio. Ordinance No. 223
The driver of "any vehicle involved in an accident resulting in
death shall immmediately stop and give his name and address to
the person struck." Section 29, Article 2, Chapter 30, Revised
Ordinances. Tulsa Oklahoma
Rules of the Road:
1) Automobiles traveling on country roads at night must send up a
rocket every mile, then wait ten minutes for the road to clear.
2) If a driver sees a team of horses, he is to pull to one side
of the road and cover his machine with a blanket or dust cover
that has been painted to blend into the scenery.
3) In the event a horse refuses to pass a car on the road, the
owner must take his car apart and conceal the parts in the
bushes.
-- Pennsylvania
In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal to drive a car while asleep.
- Memphis Municipal Code, Section 910 Traffic Code
In Utah, a husband is responsible for every criminal act, short
of a capital offense, committed by his wife while he is in her
presence. - Statute 10301-40, Utah Law
It is illegal to fish from horseback in Utah. (30-0-37 Fish and
Game Laws)
In British Columbia, it is the law to provide free beer to
debtor-prisoners, if they request it.
It is illegal to employ a woman under the age of forty-five as a
chorus girl in Australia.
In India no woman can give evidence in a Hindu court. But she can
marry a goat.
ACELLOYELLOS (a sel' oh yel' oz) People who speed through caution
lights.
ANAFONDICS (an a fon' diks) Exercising to a workout album at
16 rpm.
BACKIN-MYDAY ACT OF 1901 Law created in the early part of
(bak' in my' day akt uv nein' the twentieth century which made
teen oh wun') it mandatory to build schools at
least 20 miles away from all
future grandfathers.
BALLYBUSTER (bal' lee bus tur) Pinball machine with one dead
flipper.
CHOCOZIPPER (chok' oh zip ur) The tab that releases a
Hershey's Kiss.
CORNISECTION (kor' nih sek shun) The systematic consumption of a
candy corn by sections, first
biting off the white zone, then
the orange zone, then the yellow
zone.
CROONO EN FLAGRANTE To be caught singing to the Muzak when the
secretary takes you off hold.
CRUSTADJUSTER The "light-dark" knob on a toaster that makes
(krus' ta jus tur) you think you're in control.
CUBESTACLE (kewb'stack ul) A person who, no matter where he
stands, gets in the way of someone
shooting pool.
CURODDS (kur' ohds) The adhesive bandages at the bottom of the
box designed for extremely unusual injuries.
EGGORY (eg' er ee) The part of the fridge that holds the eggs.
HIGHYIMES Those 800 number operators who threaten to return
(hi' yimes) at the end of the magazine subscription commercial
to "tell you how to receive your free gift."
INKNITION The metal clicker at the top of a cheap ball point
(ink nih' shun) pen that: a)puts it into operation and b) is also
perfect for driving substitute teachers crazy.
JEMIMITES Extremely tiny pancakes formed from the batter that
(je my' myts) fell off the ladle.
MALTIGO (mahl' tih go) Temporary state of confusion upon exiting
a store in a mall and not remembering which
direction one entered by.
MANUMULCHING Transporting leaves by sandwiching them between
(man' yew mul ching) one hand and the rake.
MARGRANE (mar' grayn) The blinding gpain from drinking Margarita
slush too quickly.
McNERTIA (mak nur' sha) Malaise that prevents a McDonald's
employee from filling your order too
quickly, or correctly.
MINUTATER (min' u tay tur) The smallest french fry in the bag.
POTENTATER (poh' ten tay tur) The largest french fry in the bag.
NICAMEASLES (nik' a mee zulz) Brown dots on the front of a ball-
players uniform from spitting
tobacco and missing.
NUTTONBUTTON The device at intersections marked, "push to
(nut'n' but'n) cross."
ROGERLAND (rah' jer land) The netherworld from which highway
patrolmen suddenly materialize.
SLOVERTURE (slow' vur chur) The distorted music which begins
every educational movie.
Old programmers don't die, they just lose their memory. --- CompuServe T-Shirt
ALLEN'S AXIOM: When all else fails, read the instructions
ALGREN'S PRECEPTS: (1) never eat at a place called Mom's
(2) never play cards with a man named Doc
(3) never lie down with a man who's got more
troubles than you.
ASTROLOGY LAW: It's always the wrong time of the month. --- Rozanne Weissman
Real men don't have floppy disks. --- CompuServe T-Shirt
"Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it." -- Russell Baker
"When you're up to your nose, keep your mouth shut." --- Henry Fonda
"To err is human but to really foul things up takes a computer."
--- Farmers' Almanac, 1978
"What's worth doing is worth doing for money." --- Joseph Donohue