On the other hand, you have different fingers. -- Steven Wright
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?" -- Steven Wright
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. -- Steven Wright
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." -- Steven Wright
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. -- Steven Wright
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes." -- Steven Wright
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness. -- Steven Wright
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour. -- Steven Wright
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child. -- Steven Wright
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. -- Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. -- Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. -- Steven Wright
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. -- Steven Wright
What's another word for Thesaurus? -- Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. -- Steven Wright
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" -- Steven Wright
You can't have everything. Where would you put it? -- Steven Wright
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. -- Steven Wright
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? -- Steven Wright
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. -- Steven Wright
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll
give me the other one next year. -- Steven Wright
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." -- Steven Wright
I eat swiss cheese from the inside out. -- Steven Wright
I had amnesia once or twice. -- Steven Wright
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. -- Steven Wright
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars". -- Steven Wright
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les. -- Steven Wright
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. -- Steven Wright
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York. -- Steven Wright
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle. -- Steven Wright
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. -- Steven Wright
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it it. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that." -- Steven Wright
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. -- Steven Wright
