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-
- Rare Gems <sm> August 1990
- by David Wright
-
- Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
- --Oscar Wilde
-
- There are three ways to get something done; do it yourself, hire
- someone, or forbid your kids to do it. --Monta Crane
-
- Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world
- owes you nothing. It was here first. --Mark Twain
-
- Oh, Helen! You're pregnant? That's wonderful!... At first, I
- was taking you quite literally when you said you had one in the oven.
- --One witch to another, "The Far Side"
-
- Nazis. I hate these guys.
- --Indiana Jones, "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade"
-
- Hey! I'm TRYING to pass the potatoes!... Remember, my forearms
- are just as useless as yours!
- --Father Tyranosaurus Rex to family, "The Far Side"
-
- Tell the truth and you won't have so much to remember. --
- Unknown
-
- You can't depend on your eyes if your imagination is out of
- focus.
- --Mark Twain
-
- We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb
- and clap as they go by. --Will Rogers
-
- It is the anonymous "they," the enigmatic "they" who are in
- charge. Who is "they"? I don't know. Nobody knows. Not even "they"
- themselves.
- --Joseph Heller
-
- Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
- -- Phyllis Diller
-
- He promised me earrings, but he only pierced my ears.
- -- Arabian saying
-
- I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a man being
- required by law to sleep with me every night. --Carrie Snow
-
- Look! Behind ya! Ain't that Lou Ferrigno?!
- --The Incredible Hulk to The Incredible Hulk,
- "The Incredible Hulk" #373
-
- I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep
- his house. --Zsa Zsa Gabor
-
- I take my children everywhere, but the always find their way
- back home. --Robert Orben
-
- The man who invented the eraser had the human race pretty well
- sized up. --Unknown
-
- I'm getting too old to hit attractive men over the head and
- carry them off. And the sad part is, I'm so old that's the only way I
- can get them! --Savil, "Magic's Price" by Mercedes Lackey
-
- You can't wash off blood with blood. --Zen proverb
-
- If you're not going to kill me, I have things to do.
- --Colin Friels, "Darkman"
-
- I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me
- a quitter. --Steven Pearl
-
- At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free
- and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the
- antidote.
- --Emo Philips
-
- My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I
- never saw any reason to limit myself. --Emo Philips
-
- We've got to go -forward- to the future, and -past- to the...
- <struggled pause> ...-back-.
- --Vice Pres. Dan Quayle, with broad gestures
-
- The guys came by to have some fun. They'll come and stay all
- night, I fear. But I know how to make them run. I serve them all
- generic beer.
- --"Batch" strip (Marshall & Cravens)
-
- If women reaching their sexual peak at age 34 while men reach it
- at 18 is not proof that God is a woman, then I don't know what is. --
- Peter David
-
- I had a friend who told me he was tired of writing for nothing.
- He was going to go to California and write for money. And he did. He
- moved to California and I still get letters from him saying, "Please
- send me money."
- --Peter David
-
- The Pillsbury Dough Boy Serves Six will not be shown at this
- time...
- --"You Can't Do That On Television!"
-
- The Vegans. They count MILK as meat. EGGS is meat, CHEESE is
- meat, FISH is meat, BACON'S meat... They won't even eat SPAM!
- --Christine's mother, "Big Numbers" #2 by Alan Moore
-