$ The singer and guitar player of the heavy metal band Giga Death imploded during a concert in London. Doctors think that the singer released a neurological feedback of deoxyribonucleiic acid while headbanging. The band has so far made no comment.
º Nessie captured !
$ Reliable sources report that the Loch Ness Monster has been captured! It is planned to sell her at auction; unfortunately, the only people to show any interest are dog-food manufacturers.
º Elvis was an alien !
$ Examination of X-rays has proved that Elvis Presstud was in fact an alien.
º Pizza service to Mars !
$ A well known space company has entered into a joint venture with a fast food firm, to deliver pizzas to the planet Mars. Unfortunately, the natives of Mars had never seen pizzas before, and thought they were frisbees.
º Man bites dog !
$ A drunk in Leipzig, Germany, bit a dog's ear off. The dog was taken to hospital, but was sent home the next day; the drunken man, however, died of alcohol poisoning at the scene of the incident.
º New revelations about Otzi !
$ Recent investigations have shown that Otzi, thought to be the frozen corpse of a man from the Bronze Age, is in fact a shop dummy from the late fifties. The scientists responsible for the discovery were unavailable for comment.
º New type of ink discovered !
$ During experiments to find a treatment for people allergic to oxygen, doctors have developed a new liquid which can not only be used as an ink, but is also a tasty drink.
º Time machine discovered !
$ Three scientists claim to have built a time machine; however, it has so far not been possible to check this claim, as both the machine and the scientists are missing. For this reason we are unable to print a photo of the machine, but may be able to do so some time in the future.
º E. v. Danniken is an alien !
$ Many people suspected it, and now it has been proved - Erik van Danniken, the famous German author of popular unscientific books, is an alien. Photos show E. v. Danniken in a flying saucer from the "Space Invaders" game.
º Man becomes pregnant !
$ Reports from abroad say that a man who went to his doctor complaining of stomach ache was found to be pregnant. We are unable to give any further details, as the country concerned has since sunk into the sea.
º Tea makes you sleepy !
$ Scientists have discovered that black tea depletes the body's store of iron, causing tea drinkers to become very slee...
º Terry G. in surgery !
$ Terry Greer, the famous MicroProse graphic artist, has been committed to a lunatic asylum. The cause of his breakdown is not yet known, but it is thought that he may have been driven mad by working on too many animated faces for Pizza Tycoon.
º Monolith found !
$ A strange monolith measuring 1m by 2m by 4m has been discovered in central Africa. It is completely black with a smooth surface, and is reported to be making a strange humming sound. The well-known expert on strange phenomena, E. v. Danniken, has been asked to observe the investigations.
º Godfather arrested !
$ At a christening in Queens, New York, the godfather was arrested when he tried to take a bath in the font. The man, who was reported to be blind drunk, climbed into the font and demolished it.
º East Friesland declares war on Bavaria !
$ East Friesland has declared war on Bavaria in response to the increase in the number of jokes about the people of East Friesland. The main targets of the East Friesian army are reported to be the Bierkeller in Munich and all beer gardens and cheese factories in Southern Germany.
º Hacker writes autobiography !
$ A well known Hacker has retired. He has started writing his autobiography, which is due to be published at the end of the year under the title "Hacked To Bits".
º Computer games make you stupid !
$ Latest research has shown that computer games make their users stupid, announced the behavioral scientist MD P. R. E. Judice at a press conference. Judice is to publish his investigations in his new book "Computer games and the behaviour of rats".
º Electrosmog increases !
$ The amount of electrosmog is increasing daily. Although the likely effects on human health are not yet clear, Prof. Dr. A. Version expects serious mutations to take place.
º The Undead Chickenkillers on tour !
$ The Undead Chickenkillers, every parent's nightmare, are on tour again. It is feared that the band, who have declared war on the state and society as a whole, may incite riots and attacks on police.
º Rockie is back in the cinema !
$ Rockie 25 has hit the screen at last. After defeating the evil warden of an old folks' home, he has to fight the 1898 world boxing champion.
º Data visualization achieved !
$ American computer scientists have finally managed to visualize data and datapaths. Instead of typing in data, you can now use a standard data glove to input data. It remains to be seen how successful this new method of data processing will be.
º Pizzanomicon found !
$ The legendary book Pizzanomicon (food of death) has been found during excavations in Pakistan. The meaning of the recipes in this book is still uncertain.
º Mario the Plumber out of work !
$ After inventing a completely new device for cleaning pipes, Mario and his brother Luigi have been sacked. They are now said to be working as builders.
º Luigi commits suicide !
$ Luigi the plumber has vanished; it is reported that unemployment had caused serious psychological problems, and that before his disappearance, the balance of his mind was disturbed.
º Poison is calorie-free !
$ New research has revealed that poison has NO calories!!! This means that you can now poison yourself without having to worry about getting fat!
º Scandal in the British Royal Family !
$ The Moon has claimed that Princess Diana has murdered Prince Charles. It is not yet clear if she has had him stuffed by a taxidermist, or if the figure beside her bed is only a waxwork.
º Expedition to Mars planned !
$ The United States government is planning an expedition to the planet Mars, which will start in 2001 and will cost the taxpayers 1 trillion US Dollars. It remains to be seen if the taxpayers will actually come up with the necessary money.
º Chief of police under arrest !
$ The chief of the London police force has been arrested at a violent anarchist de-mon-stra-tion outside Bucking-ham Palace. It is thought that this is not his first offence.
º Drunken drivers arrested !
$ At the weekend the police arrested two men who were driving very erratically in the city centre. Police reported that they had traces of blood in their alcohol stream.
º Metal band goes insane !
$ Backstage, after a concert, the metal band Judas Vicar went completely insane. Well informed sources told us that the band had been playing some kind of fast food computer game.
º Schumi world racing champion !
$ Mikki Schumi has won the World Crash Car Championship. During the race, Schumi was head and shoulders above his rivals, but seemed to have trouble working out what the steering wheel was for.
º Dead lucky beggar !
$ A British beggar who won 6 million Dollars in the lottery was so excited when he was informed of his good fortune that he had a heart attack and died.
º P. P. fired !
$ Peter Parker has been expelled from university for stealing chemicals from the chemistry labs. During his twenty year university career he has stolen a total of 5 million dollars worth of chemicals.
º New record !
$ Stefan Kurth has set a new record for marathon program writing. In only 32 years he programmed more than 600,000 KBytes of C source code. This achievement has qualified Kurth for the next Olympic Games.
º New virus !
$ A new virus which causes monitors to grow hair is infecting the computer scene. The virus is sometimes known as Jeff Smart.
º Antique hi-tech !
$ An antique walkman has been found in Egypt. The ancient device seems to belong to an alien named Elvis Presstud, as his music is the only thing the walkman will play.
º Man eats bike !
$ A man in Switzerland has spent the past ten years eating his bicycle. He mixed parts of the bike into his food. I
