And it was your job is to make jaded consumers crave it...
In ever-expanding ways?
Pop Quiz: What do you do?
Greetings, novice heroin marketers! I know what youΓÇÖre thinking: ΓÇ£Sell smack? No sweat! IsnΓÇÖt it, like, satanically addictive?ΓÇ¥ True enough, and thatΓÇÖs certainly a boon when it comes to courting consumers, but letΓÇÖs look at the negatives: The product lacks family values. ItΓÇÖs short on convenience. It tends to kill.
But a graver problem looms: unlike, say, Tide, heroin hasnΓÇÖt been new and improved in years. And though classic heroin sells briskly in the underworld, suburban consumers want more. They love to be bewildered by new choices, especially slight, bullshitty variations on old familiar friends.
In other words: consider product line extension. ItΓÇÖs how pop culture breeds. As Pepsi begat Diet Pepsi...as Rocky sired a feisty brood of sequels...so too can heroin fruitfully multiplyΓÇöwidening its marketing netΓÇöwith a little help from you!
So, letΓÇÖs explore five exciting line-extension formulas and...SELL THAT SMACK!
Strategy 1: Genderize
Today, the most successfully genderized products exploit the belief that:
a) Guys and gals have different needs when it comes to sopping up bodily excretionsΓÇö here, we have sexed antiperspirants and diapers;
b) Certain products are just born macho and wonΓÇÖt seduce dames without girlificationΓÇöhere, we have cigarettes (the slender Virginia Slims) and cotton briefs (Jockey For Her). Heroin for Her would help perpetuate this scheming tradition, targetting those women who sense that a mind-blowing narcotic just isnΓÇÖt ladylike.
Note: Genderization tends to focus on females. Rarely is an existing ΓÇ£feminineΓÇ¥ product reconfigured for men, but the classic exampleΓÇöMarlboro cigarettesΓÇöis a highpoint in the history of manipulation.
hyperlink = Diapers
The sexed diaper craze began in 1987 when Proctor & Gamble, preying on the baby boomersΓÇÖ tendency to overaccessorize their offspring, introduced Luvs for boys and Luvs for girls. Within two years, the brand had cornered 24% of the cutthroat diaper market. Nevertheless, P&G keeps innovating. Its latest line extension? Luvs Ultra LeakguardsΓÇö ΓÇ£so good they protect both boys and girls!ΓÇ¥ Imagine that.
hyperlink = Scheming Tradition
Spin-off products that target a single sex arenΓÇÖt new. In the ΓÇÿ50s, for instance, the makers of Storz beer introduced ΓÇ£Storzette for women, a calorie-controlled beerette in a queen-sized bottle,ΓÇ¥ stamped with the womanly image of an orchid. Unfortunately, it was a failurette.
hyperlink = A highpoint in the history of manipulation
Though we know it as the he-man of cigarettes, once it was a sissy smoke. When the Marlboro brand was first sold in the ΓÇÿ20s and ΓÇÿ30s with the slogan ΓÇ£Mild as MayΓÇ¥ and a flaming red tip, it was perceived as (duh!) a femmy cigarette. No real man would touch the things and, in the prefeminist era, a female-only market was considered inadequate.
So, in 1954, Phillip Morris hired ad man Leo Burnett to save this loser brand. His solution: an injection of full-strength testosterone. A new bold box. Cancer-resistant cowboys. Later, the mythical Marlboro region, where lonely Marlboro men do nothing except squint at cattle and smoke. Cool! Alienation! Both sexes totally fell for it, and the red-and-white box became a global king. Today, we do have ΓÇ£Marlboro Extra Lights,ΓÇ¥ which is a tacit way to say, ΓÇ£Marlboros For Her But She Gets To Keep The Horse.ΓÇ¥
Strategy 2: Create Nocturnal Versions
Around 1974 or so, stress was invented. Soon after, the modern sleep-aid blossomed.
First there were pure sleep-aids such as Nytol (cherished by experimental teens). The unusually anxious late ΓÇÿ80s saw the stock market crash and the birth of Excedrin PM and Tylenol PM. These products, pushed with advertising budgets of up to $23 million, say to the consumer: ΓÇ£No, youΓÇÖre not a paranoid, hypochondriac, late-20th-Century insomniac in the tradition of Marilyn Monroe...you just have a little headache.ΓÇ¥
Heroin PM offers a similar reassurance: ΓÇ£...you just have a little heroin addiction thatΓÇÖs robbing you of much-needed rest.ΓÇ¥ See how that works?
hyperlink = Tylenol PM
As life gets yet more intolerably hectic, expect surprising sleep-aid versions of other quality products:
Rice Krispies PM
Absolut PM
LΓÇÖeggs PM
Cadillac Seville PM
Hamburger Helper PM
PuddinΓÇÖ Pops PM
J. Crew Relaxed Fit Chinos PM
Grey Poupon PM
O.B. PM (designed by a pissed-off, sleep-deprived woman gynecologist)
hyperlink = Marilyn Monroe
What youΓÇÖre not.
Strategy 3: Create Diet Versions
This line-extension formula has come a long way. When Diet Pepsi was introduced in 1963ΓÇöthree years before Twiggy made anorexia modΓÇöit seemed slightly martyrish to drink the stuff. Something your fat, aging mom had to do.
Now, despite some notable failures, diet versions are as inevitable as Ace Ventura sequels, and even children order Diet Pepsi with no sense of martyrdom. (They ought to. According to the Center for Adolescent Obesity at the University of California, nearly one-third of six-to-eleven-year-olds are obese.)
Americans currently spend about $35 billion each year on the diet industry. We even buy stupid shit like diet fudge. Given this, the job of selling Diet Heroin seems like a no-brainer. (However, see failures.)
hyperlink = Twiggy
TwiggyΓÇÖs mod knees
hyperlink = Failures
This seems like a good a time to point out that between 80 and 94 percent of the 17,000 new products introduced annually fail. Extending a well-loved, highly addictive brand may increase your odds, but even so, flops abound.
A notable diet-version bomb: the McLean Deluxe from McdonaldΓÇÖs. Remember? It was supposed to make fast food into fastidiously healthy food. Tasted like hamster food that had been peed on. I really didnΓÇÖt like it. Yuk. Could I have another glass of water, please?
Strategy 4: Exploit Environmental Guilt
This is a double-whammy: the Heroin Enviropack offers elegant guilt relief, while coopting the goody-goody image of the green movement. ThatΓÇÖs helpful, because, no matter how aggressively you market your benefit-packed line extensions, some gripers will still consider heroin....well, evil. The Enviropack proves, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that you care.
Well, maybe not. In 1990, at the height of the green craze, a study by the Princeton, N.J.-based Environmental Research Associates found that 47 percent of consumers dismissed environmental claims as mere gimmickry. Luckily, most junkies arenΓÇÖt so discerning.
Strategy 5: Offer Added Convenience
ItΓÇÖs e-zee to see the allure of convenience. It can transform a product thatΓÇÖs merely cute (popcorn) into a true stunner (microwaveable popcorn).Most important, it always heralds a ΓÇ£new and improvedΓÇ¥ future. (Consider the slogan for a pioneering roll-on deoderant: ΓÇ£The future is here, nowΓÇöunder your arms!ΓÇ¥)
When mass-merchandising heroin, youΓÇÖll want to jump on the convenience bandwagon. Otherwise, it might begin to seem likeΓÇögasp!ΓÇöthe drug of the past. If your first efforts donΓÇÖt succeed, press on: the search for convenience has created some of the most regrettable products ever, but it has also produced many profitable classics. Perhaps the Heroin Pump is one.
hyperlink = Some of the most regrettable products ever
Highlights from the collection of the New Products Showcase and Learning Center (a.k.a. The Museum of Failures) in Ithaca, New York:
ΓÇó CampbellΓÇÖs Fresh Chef Salads: Sealed in glass jars, they seemed more forensic than fresh;
ΓÇó Aerosol ketchup: Mist those fries for you? No thanks;
ΓÇó Toaster Eggs: These frozen scrambled eggs, designed to thaw and cook before they popped up, actually frightened younger children;
ΓÇó Edible deodorant: Convenient if you are suddenly stranded alone on an island and can risk
