World of Shareware - Software Farm 2/wosw_2.zip/wosw_2/GENERAL/TQOTD.ZIP/TQOTD.BBS

File List | 1991-11-23 | 76KB | 2,280 lines

*
Cynic, n: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,
not as they ought to be.
                         - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1911
*
Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community
consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves,
making in all, two.
                         - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1911
*
Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.
                         - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
Yankee, n.     In Europe, an American.
In the Northern States of our Union, a New Englander.
In the Southern States the word is unknown. (See DAMYANK.)
                         - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
The wheel that squeaks the loudest is the one that gets the grease.
                         - Josh Billings, "The Kicker"
*
Universal suffrage is the government of a house by its nursery.
                         - Otto von Bismarck
*
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
                         - Derek Bok, 1978
*
The test of the morality of a society is what it does for its children.
                         - Dietrich Bonhoeffer
*
Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed.
If I fail, no one will say, 'She doesn't have what it takes.'
They will say, 'Women don't have what it takes.'
                         - Clare Boothe Luce
*
Censorship, like charity, should begin at home,
but unlike charity, it should end there.
                         - Clare Boothe Luce
*
No good deed goes unpunished.
                         - Clare Boothe Luce
*
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
                         - Victor Borge
*
Nothing is built on stone; all is built on sand,
but we must build as if the sand were stone.
                         - Jorge Luis Borges, 1972
*
We never know whether we are victors or whether we are defeated.
                    - Jorge Luis Borges, "Borges On Writing", 1974
*
It is possible to store the mind with a million facts
and still be entirely uneducated.
                         - Alec Bourne, "A Doctor's Creed"
*
Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. If we continue
to develop our technology without wisdom or prudence, our servant
may prove to be our executioner.
                         - General Omar Bradley
*
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
                         - Ashleigh Brilliant
*
Please don't ask me what the score is, I'm not even sure what the game is.
                         - Ashleigh Brilliant
*
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first,
and call whatever you hit the target.
                         - Ashleigh Brilliant
*
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
                         - Sam Brown, in "Washington Post", 1977
*
Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow.
                         - Matthew Browne, "Lilliput Levee"
*
As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically
reproduce children; therefore, they must recruit our children.
                         - Anita Bryant, 1977
*
Before you kill something make sure you have something better
to replace it with; something better than political opportunist
slamming hate horseshit in the public park.
                 - Charles Bukowski, "Notes of a Dirty Old Man", 1969
*
We love your adherence to democratic principles.
                 - George Bush speaking to Ferdinand Marcos, June 1981
*
The final lesson of Viet Nam is that no great nation
can long afford to be sundered by a memory.
                         - George Bush, 1989 Inaugural Address
*
The caribou love [the Alaska oil pipeline].
They run up against it, and they have babies.
                         - George Bush, 1988
                              and again "New York Times", 3 April 1989
*
It would be inappropriate for the President of the United States
to try to fine-tune for the people of Hungary how they ought to eat -
how the cow out to eat the cabbage, as we say in the United States.
                    - George Bush, quoted in "Philadelphia Inquirer",
                              13 July 1989
*
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.
                         - Nicholas Murray Butler
*
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense
to know how to lie well.
                         - Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" 1912
*
Marriage is distinctly and repeatedly excluded from heaven.
Is this because it is thought likely to mar the general felicity?
                         - Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" 1912
*
For truth is always strange; stranger than fiction.
                         - Lord Byron, "Don Juan", 1818
*
The optimist proclaims we live in the best of all possible worlds;
and the pessimist fears this is true.
                         - James B. Cabell, "The Silver Stallion" 1926
*
Men willingly believe what they wish.
                         - Julius Caesar
*
What is life? An illusion, a shadow, a story.
And the greatest good is little enough:
for all life is a dream, and dreams themselves are only dreams.
                         - Pedro Calderon de la Barca, "Life is a Dream"
*
It is better to be defeated on principle than to win on lies.
                         - Arthur Calwell, 1968
*
An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
                         - Simon Cameron
*
Every revolutionary ends up either by becoming an oppressor or a heretic.
                         - Albert Camus, "The Rebel", 1951
*
When I sell liquor, its called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
it on Lake Shore Drive, its called hospitality.
                         - Al Capone
*
You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun
than you can with a kind word alone.
                         - Al Capone
*
Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work.
                         - Al Capp, in "Esquire", 1970
*
It is long accepted by the missionaries that morality is inversely
proportional to the amount of clothing people wore.
                         - Alex Carey
*
Because of the greatness of the Shah, Iran is an island of stability
in the Middle East.
                         - Jimmy Carter, 31 December 1977
*
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" till you can find a rock.
                         - Wynn Catlin
*
As long as people will accept crap,
it will be financially profitable to dispense it.
                         - Dick Cavett, in "Playboy", 1971
*
Everything beautiful has its moment and then passes away.
                         - Luis Cernuda, "Las Ruinas"
*
I speak Spanish to God, Italian to women,
French to men, and German to my horse.
                         - Charles V, King of France
*
In some cases non-violence requires more militancy than violence.
                         - Cesar Chavez
*
The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.
                         - Chinese proverb
*
I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly,
or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
                         - Chuang Tzu
*
I like a man who grins when he fights.
                         - Winston Churchill
*
It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations.
                         - Winston Churchill
*
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most times he will pick himself up and carry on.
                         - Winston Churchill
*
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.
                         - Winston Churchill
*
Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others.
                         - Winston Churchill, Speech, January 1952
*
Preparation, knowledge, and discipline can deal with any form of danger.
                         - Tom Clancy, "THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER", 1984
*
Who will protect the public when the police violate the law?
                         - Ramsey Clark
*
It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God,
but to create him.
                         - Arthur C. Clarke
*
You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
                         - Eldridge Cleaver, 1968
*
The price of hating other human beings is loving oneself less.
                         - Eldridge Cleaver, "Soul on Ice", 1968
*
America is the only nation in history which miraculously
has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without
the usual interval of civilization.
                         - Georges Clemenceau, 1 December 1945
*
War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
                         - Georges Clemenceau
*
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.
                         - Confucius
*
When we see persons of worth, we should think of equaling them;
when we see persons of a contrary character,
we should turn inwards and examine ourselves.
                         - Confucius
*
Imprisoned in every fat man a thin man is wildly signaling to be let out.
                         - Cyril Connolly, "The Unquiet Grave" 1945
*
Slums may well be breeding grounds of crime,
but middle class suburbs are incubators of apathy and delirium.
                         - Cyril Connolly, "The Unquiet Grave" 1945
*
Truth is a river that is always splitting up into arms that reunite.
Islanded between the arms the inhabitants argue for a lifetime
as to which is the main river.
                         - Cyril Connolly, "The Unquiet Grave" 1945
*
Always be nice to those younger than you, because they are the ones
who will be writing about you.
                         - Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir" 1983
*
Youth is a period of missed opportunities.
                         - Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir" 1983
*
The past is the only dead thing that smells sweet.
                         - Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir" 1983
*
You shall judge a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
                         - Joseph Conrad, "Lord Jim", 1900
*
The horror! The horror!
                         - Joseph Conrad, "Heart of Darkness", 1902
*
I love Vermont because of her hills and valleys, her scenery and
invigorating climate, but most of all because of her indomitable people.
                         - Calvin Coolidge, Speech, 21 September 1928
*
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
                         - Laurence Coughlin
*
A man feared that he might find an assassin;
Another that he might find a victim.
One was more wise than the other.
               - Stephan Crane, "The Black Riders and Other Lines",
                              1895
*
I stood upon a high place, and saw, below, many devils,
running, leaping, and carousing in sin.
One looked up, grinning, and said, "Comrade! Brother!"
                - Stephan Crane, "The Black Riders and Other Lines",
                              1895
*
I walked in a desert.
And I cried,
"Ah, God, take me from this place!"
A voice said, "It is no desert."
I cried, "Well, but---
"The sand, the heat, the vacant horizon."
A voice said, "It is no desert."
                  - Stephan Crane, "The Black Riders and Other Lines",
                              1895
*
I was in the darkness;
I could not see my words
Nor the wishes of my heart.
Then suddenly there was a great light---
"Let me into the darkness again."
                 - Stephan Crane, "The Black Riders and Other Lines",
                             1895
*
There is growing evidence that smoking has pharamacological ...
effects that are of real value to smokers.
                      - Joseph F. Cullman III (Pres. of Phillip Morris)
                           Annual Report to Stockholders, 1962
*
There are no atheists in the foxholes.
                         - William Thomas Cummings, 1942
*
Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days.
An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to
make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day.
                         - the 14th Dalai Lama, interview in "TIME",
                              11 April 1988
*
The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who in time
of great moral crises maintain their neutrality.
                         - Dante
*
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents,
and the second half by our children.
                         - Clarence Darrow
*
There is no such thing as justice - in or out of court.
                         - Clarence Darrow, Interview, April 1936
*
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President;
I'm beginning to believe it.
                         - Clarence Darrow
*
The world is full of people whose notion of a satisfactory future is,
in fact, a return to the idealised past.
                  - Robertson Davies, "A Voice from the Attic", 1960
*
There is no such thing as a nonracial society
in a multiracial country.
                         - F. W. de Klerk, President of South Africa,
                              quoted in _Time_, 11 September 1989
*
There are a million ways to lose a work day,
but not even a single way to get one back.
                - Tom DeMarco and Timothy Lister, _Peopleware_, 1987
*
People are always talking about tradition, but they forget we have
a tradition of a few hundred years of nonsense and stupidity, that
there is a tradition of idiocy, incompetence and crudity.
                   - Hugo Demartini, in "Contemporary Artists", 1977
*
Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly
and safely insane every night of our lives.
*
A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
                         - Robert Frost
*
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
                         - Robert Frost, "Stopping by Woods on a
                              Snowy Evening", 1923
*
We compound our suffering by victimising each other.
                         - Athol Fugard, in "The Observer", 1971
*
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
                         - R. Buckminster Fuller
*
The most important thing about Spaceship Earth -
an instruction book didn't come with it.
                         - R. Buckminster Fuller,
                              quoted in "Contemporary Architects", 1980
*
It's not your blue blood, your pedigree or your college degree.
It's what you do with your life that counts.
                         - Millard Fuller, in "Time", 16 January 1989
*
Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory.
                         - John Kenneth Galbraith
*
Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing
between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
                         - John Kenneth Galbraith
*
The modern conservative is engaged in one of man's oldest exercises
in moral philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral
justification for selfishness.
                         - John Kenneth Galbraith
*
I could prove God statistically.
                         - George Gallup
*
He who awaits much can expect little.
                         - Gabriel García Márquez,
                              "El Coronel no Tiene quien le Escriba"
*
Si Dios no hubiera descansado el domingo
habría tenido tiempo de terminar el mundo.
(If God hadn't rested on Sunday,
He would have had time to finish the world.)
                         - Gabriel García Márquez,
                              "Los Funerales de Mamá Grande", 1974
*
No creo en Dios, pero le tengo miedo.
(I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of Him.)
                         - Gabriel García Márquez,
                              "El Amor en los Tiempos de Cólera", 1985
*
The true statesman is the one who is willing to take risks.
                         - Charles de Gaulle, 1967
*
If you can count your money you don't have a billion dollars.
                         - J. Paul Getty
*
Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it.
                         - André Gide
*
In hell there is no other punishment than to begin over
and over again the tasks left unfinished in your lifetime.
                         - André Gide
*
We are not abandoning our convictions, our philosophy or traditions,
nor do we urge anyone to abandon theirs.
                         - Mikhail Gorbachev, UN address, 7 December 1988
*
The truest wild beasts live in the most populous places.
                  - Baltasar Gracian, "The Art of Worldly Wisdom" 1647
*
Thirty days hath November,
April, June, and September,
February hath twenty-eight alone,
And all the rest have thirty-one.
                         - Richard Grafton, 1562
*
I think when a person has been found guilty of rape
he should be castrated. That would stop him pretty quick.
                         - Billy Graham, 1974
*
The illusion that times that were are better than those that are,
has probably pervaded all ages.
                 - Horace Greeley, "The American Conflict", 1864-1866
*
If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
                         - Motto of the Green Berets
*
Heresy is only another word for freedom of thought.
                         - Graham Greene, 1981
*
It's round the world I've traveled; it's round the world I've roamed;
but I've yet to see an outlaw drive a family from its home.
                         - Woody Guthrie, "Pretty Boy Floyd"
*
Those who stand for nothing fall for anything.
                         - Alex Hamilton, "The Listener", 1978
*
The purpose of computing is insight, not numbers.
                         - R. W. Hamming, "Numerical Methods for
                              Scientists and Engineers", 1973
*
War will cease when men refuse to fight.
                         - Fridtjof Hansen
*
In times like these, it is helpful to remember
that there have always been times like these.
                         - Paul Harvey
*
Every man's life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived
and how he died that distinguish one man from another.
                         - Ernest Hemingway, quoted in "Sunday Times", 1966
*
Is life so dear, or peace so sweet as to be purchased
at the price of chains and slavery?
                         - Patrick Henry
*
All is flux, nothing stays still.
                         - Heraclitus
*
There is nothing permanent except change.
                         - Heraclitus
*
Some actions have an end but no beginning; some begin but do not end.
It all depends upon where the observer is standing.
                         - Frank Herbert
*
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that
brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass
over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner
eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
                         - Frank Herbert, "Dune", 1965
*
*
"$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
which time it will be worth absolutely nothing."
  -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
*
186,282 miles per second:
It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
*
"355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible
simulation!"
*
"A 'No' uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
'Yes' merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble."
  -- Mahatma Ghandi
*
"A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
responsibility at the other."
*
"A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on."
  -- Carl Sandburg
*
"A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out
of a divorce."
  -- Don Quinn
*
"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain."
  -- Mark Twain
*
"A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it
adds up to be real money."
  -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen
*
"A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him."

"A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring."

"A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose."
*
... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
have turned into a pile of dust.
*
"A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
enlightened him with ours."
*
"A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
as afterward."
*
"A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
poor to protect them from each other."
*
"A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness."
*
"A child can go only so far in life without potty training.  It is not
mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty
trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators."
  -- Dave Barry
*
"A child of 5 could understand this!  Fetch me a child of 5."
*
"A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
Avoid him.  He's a Commie."
*
"A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
won't cross the street to vote in a national election."
  -- Bill Vaughan
*
"A city is a large community where people are lonesome together"
  -- Herbert Prochnow
*
"A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
wants to read."
  -- Mark Twain
*
"A closed mouth gathers no foot."
*
"A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking."
*
"A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it."
*
"A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper."
  -- Dyer
*
"A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats."
  -- Ben Franklin
*
"A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen
lantern."
  -- Edgar A. Shoaff
*
"A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?"
*
"A day without sunshine is like night."
*
"A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur
coat."
*
"A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip."
*
"A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of."
  -- Ogden Nash
*
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the
subject."
  -- Winston Churchill
*
"A fool must now and then be right by chance."
*
"A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
superstition, and art into pedantry.  Hence University education."
  -- G. B. Shaw
*
"A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used."
  -- D. Gries
*
"A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular."
  -- Adlai Stevenson
*
"A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
he could be elected Pope of Rome.  Both high posts are reserved for men
favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
facts of life in bandages of self-illusion."
  -- H. L. Mencken
*
"A good question is never answered.  It is not a bolt to be tightened
into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
hope of greening the landscape of idea."
  -- John Ciardi
*
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices."
  -- William James
*
A hypothetical paradox:
 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security
 team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad
 of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a
 planet?
  -- Tom Galloway
*
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."
*
"A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction."
*
"A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
not worth knowing."
*
"A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program
in than some that do."
  -- Dennis M. Ritchie
*
"A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me.  I'm afraid of widths."
  -- Steve Wright
*
"A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.  I
believe everything positively stinks."
  -- Lew Col
*
A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"
"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a
sense of obligation."
  -- Stephen Crane
*
"A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package."
*
"A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems."
*
"A nuclear war can ruin your whole day."
*
"A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space."
  -- Gloria Steinem
*
"A penny saved is ridiculous."
*
"A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry."
*
"A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms."
  -- George Wald
*
"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"
  -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
*
"A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep."
*
"Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."
*
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing."
  -- Redd Foxx
*
"Heavy, adj.:
 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force."
*
"Heisenberg may have slept here"
*
"Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned."
  -- Milton Friedman
*
Heller's Law:
 The first myth of management is that it exists.
Johnson's Corollary:
 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
 organization.
*
"Hello," he lied.
  -- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent
*
"Help a swallow land at Capistrano."
*
"Help fight continental drift."
*
"Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!"
*
"Help stamp out and abolish redundancy."
*
"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."
*
"Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.  If they didn't have bugs,
then they'd be algorithms."
*
"Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
  -- W. C. Fields
*
"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
Do you have a car or a job?  Do you ever walk around?  If so, you
probably have the makings of an excellent legal case.  Although of
course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my
experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out
of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.
"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
motto is:  'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'"
  -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
*
"Hindsight is an exact science."
*
"Hire the morally handicapped."
*
"I have a simple philosophy:
 Fill what's empty.
 Empty what's full.
 Scratch where it itches."
  -- A. R. Longworth
*
"I have a very firm grasp on reality!  I can reach out and strangle it
any time!"
*
"I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth
and they never believe me."
  -- Camillo Di Cavour
*
"I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it."
  -- Edgar Allan Poe
*
"I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming
that I have never made one."
  -- James Gordon Bennett
*
"I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to
make it shorter."
  -- Blaise Pascal
*
"I have the simplest tastes.  I am always satisfied with the best."
  -- Oscar Wilde
*
"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."
  -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
*
"I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking
his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell
beating up a child."
  -- Steven Wright
*
"I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked
at in the right way, did not become still more complicated."
  -- Poul Anderson
*
"I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere."
*
"I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it."
*
"I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!"
*
"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."
  -- Bill Hoest
*
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World
War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
  -- Albert Einstein
*
"I like being single.  I'm always there when I need me."
  -- Art Leo
*
"I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
promote peace than our governments.  Indeed, I think that people want
peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
the way and let them have it."
  -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
*
"I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours."
*
"I like your game but we have to change the rules."
*
"I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts.""
*
"I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
was to go away."
*
"I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like."
*
"I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation."
  -- G. B. Shaw
*
"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
  -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
*
"I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!"
*
"I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral
slob."
  -- William F. Buckley
*
"I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes.  I hope
they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em."
  -- Will Rogers
*
"I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck."
  -- Graffito in Los Angeles
*
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full
house and four people died."
  -- Steven Wright
*
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.  Mother took me to
see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."
  -- Shirley Temple
*
"I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
too much damage if it catches fire or explodes.  First you decide which
direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy.  After
much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot
tub to face is up."
  -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
*
"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
*
"I thought you were trying to get into shape."
"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
*
" ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!"
  -- Winston Churchill
*
"I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
twenty minutes.  It's about Russia."
  -- Woody Allen
*
"I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure."
*
"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
*
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
*
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere
near the place."
  -- Steven Wright
*
"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St.
Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE
HAW"!!'"
  -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
*
"I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows
up."
  -- Will Rogers
*
"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.  I said I
didn't know."
  -- Mark Twain
*
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums."
  -- Steven Wright
*
"I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
it took seven others to beat him!"
*
"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work."
  -- Gallagher
*
"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've
always worked for me."
  -- Hunter S. Thompson
*
"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
to undo it."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
snore."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in 'Y'."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my
blender."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my
garage door."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from
Julian to Gregorian."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for
static cling."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my
cottage cheese sculpture."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma
transplant."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
came back."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say
tuned."
*
"A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
your wife will give you for free."
*
"A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
was intended for her preservation."
  -- Colton
*
"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today.  The results blacked
out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon."
  -- Steel City News
*
"A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
that the system works."
*
"A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and
the real reason."
*
"A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
rosewater."
*
"A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man
contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral."
  -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
*
"A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will
keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those
that are worth committing."
  -- Samuel Butler
*
"A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard."
  -- Prof. Steiner
*
... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
  -- Mark Twain
*
"A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows."
  -- O'Henry
*
"A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
bad measures."
  -- Daniel Webster
*
"A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an
exam."
*
"A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
undreamed of by its author."
  -- S. C. Johnson
*
"A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
blowing first."
*
"A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
triangle."
*
"A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn."
*
"A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
in students."
  -- John Ciardi
*
"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly."
 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
*
"A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
replaces it with."
  -- Tennessee Williams
*
"A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
getting nervous."
*
"A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
people's attention."
*
"A witty saying proves nothing."
  -- Voltaire
*
"A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
in God."
*
A.A.A.A.A.:
 An organization for drunks who drive
*
"AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
You brute!  Knock before entering a ladies room!"
*
"Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy."
*
"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the
ends."
  -- Herbert Hoover
*
"Absence makes the heart go wander."
*
"You can lead a horse to water;
get him to float on his back & you`ve got something."
*
"When all else fails, read the documentation!"
*
"There's little worse than being peerless in a peer-review system."
*
"If little else, the brain is an educational toy."
*
"When in darkness or in doubt, Run in circles, scream and shout."
*
"Internal consistency is more highly valued than efficiency."
*
"Always draw your curves then plot the readings."
*
"It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money."
*
"Never underestimate the power of human stupidity."
*
"Never try to outstubborn a cat."
*
"Anything free is worth what you pay for it."
*
"Jargon is used as a means of succeeding by not simplifying."
*
"An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it."
*
"Bedfellows make strange politicians."
*
Thoreau says..."Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes."
*
"If you wish to succeed, consult three old people."
*
Voltaire says..."Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly."
*
"An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought."
*
"You can tune a piano, but you can`t tuna fish."
*
"A closed mouth gathers no foot."
*
"A rolling stone gathers momentum."
*
"Gravity doesn`t exist: the earth sucks."
*
"Ahhhhhhhh,                     I forget what I was going to say."
*
"Organization is the enemy of improvisation."
*
"On a clear disk you can seek forever."
*
"Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits."
*
"Let him who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday."
*
"It works better if you plug it in."
*
"Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy."
*
"Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate."
*
"No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish."
*
"Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature."
*
"Some men are discovered; others are found out."
*
"That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all."
*
"Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life."
*
"Pros are those who do their jobs well even when they don`t feel like it."
*
"Running a business is about 95% people and 5% economics."
*
"When your work speaks for itself, don`t interrupt."
*
"Variables won`t; constants aren`t."
*
"Interchangable devices won`t."
*
"Don`t force it, get a larger hammer."
*
"Love is a long term investment, not a quick return loan!"
*
"The unicorn is the only fabulous beast that does not seem to
have been conceived out of human fears."
*
"Dachshunds are really small crocodiles with fur."
*
"Peeping Tom was really Weeping Tom; he never really saw Lady
Godiva, just her horse."
*
"Boarding school is an excellent place to learn how to build
things with lumber."
*
"Treat her like a lady and she'll always bring you home."
                                          Adm. Leonard McCoy
*
"The writer does the most who gives the reader the most
knowledge and takes from him the least."
*
"Man's mind stretched by a new idea never goes back to it's
original dimensions."
*
"He's dead, Jim."
*
"If there is a 50-50 chance, 95% of the time you will choose
the wrong one."
*
"The strongest memory is weaker than the palest ink."
*
"To drift is to be in hell, to be in heaven is to steer."
*
"Blessed are the meek, for they shall inhibit the earth."
*
"Ocean: a body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world
made for man...who has no gills!"
*
"I don't mind dying, it's the business of having to stay dead
that scares the shit out of me!"
                                           Tom Terrific
*
"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like
that can't happen!"
                          Richard Nixon as a child, on the
                          Teapot Dome Scandal
*
"God gives us relatives...thank goodness we can pick our friends!"
*
"Apt words have power to suage the tumors of a troubled mind."
*
"Clear writers, like fountains, do not seem so deep as they
are; the turbid look the most profound."
*
"Will America be the death of English?"
*
"Style is the dress of thoughts."
*
"It is not the hand but the understanding of a man that may
be said to write."
*
"Science is a collection of successful recipes."
*
"The art of statesmanship is to forsee the inevitable and to
expedite its occurance."
*
"All things are difficult before they are easy."
*
"To profit from good advice requires more wisdom than to give it."
*
"Life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forward."
*
"Life is not a spectacle or a feast; it is a predicament."
*
"It is so much easier to suggest solutions when you don't
know much about the problem."
*
"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain; and most fools do."
*
"Iran is between Iraq and a hard place..."
*
"Everything bows to success...even grammar!"
*
"The major difficulty in cutting down on government expenses
is that the expenses have the votes."
*
"HANGOVER: the wrath of grapes."
*
"TACT: The ability to make guests feel at home when you wish
that they were!"
*
"ALIMONY:  The cost of leaving."
*
"BACHELOR: A man who never makes the same mistake once."
*
"RADICAL: A conservative out of a job."
*
"The wages of sin are unreported."
*
"To eat is human; to digest divine."
*
"When Eve arrived, this was no longer a man's world."
*
"Most self-made men worship their creators."
*
"Hope is a good breakfast, but a bad supper."
*
"Things too stupid to be spoken are sung."
*
"Be an individualist.  He who follows another is always behind."
*
"A sharp tongue and a dull mind are usually found in the same head!"
*
"No one hates a job well done!"
*
"Average" is as close to the bottom as it is to the top.
*
"Never return a kindness---pass it on!"
*
"Counting time is not so important as making time count."
*
"Today's extravagance becomes tomorrow's necessity."
*
"Heads will have to roll!"
              ---Nancy Regan, 8/3/87
*
"It's important that I NOT know."
                                President Regan,
                                July 20, 1987
*
"Using the Ayatullah's money to support the Nicaraguans...
I think it was a NEAT IDEA!"
                                    Lt.Col Oliver North
*
"A good man dies when a boy goes wrong."
*
"Success usually comes to those too busy to look for it."
*
"Just a little thoughtfulness brings alot of happiness."
*
"To a friends' house, the road is never long."
*
"You've learned to live with yourself when you can drive
around the block alone without turning on your car radio."
*
"Footprints in the sands of time are never made by sitting down."
*
"There is a special satisfaction in puzzling out a new
gadget...once you master the thing, you can begin to
understand the instructions that came with it!"
*
"Wealth is not his who has it, but his who enjoys it!"
*
"Instead of putting others in their place, put yourself in their place."
*
"Always keep your head up, but be sure to keep your nose on a
friendly level!"
*
"The man who never makes mistakes loses a great many
opportunities to learn something."
*
"An unusual child is one who asks questions that his parents can answer."
*
"Science has proof without any certainty.  Creationists have
certanity without any proof."
*
"Birth, copulation and death.  That's all the facts when you
come down to brass tacks."
*
"If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
committee; THAT will do them in!"
*
"Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence."
*
"Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations."
*
"I sometimes think that God, in creating man, overestimated his ability."
*
"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?    A STICK!"
*
"That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest!"
*
"There is NO remedy for sex but MORE sex!"
*
"Any given program, when running correctly, is obsolete."
*
"Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe,
and he will believe you...Tell him that a bench has wet
paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure."
*
"Love is a matter of chemistry, but Sex is a matter of physics."
*
"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never
committed adultery, are now extinct..."
*
"The two hardest things in life to handle are success and failure."
*
"Horse sense is what keeps horses from betting on people."
*
"The meek may inherit the earth (doubtful), but the strong
will retain the mineral rights (doubtless)."
*
"Kissing is okay for awhile, but good cooking lasts forever."
*
"When the horse is dead, dismount!"
*
"Experience may be the best teacher, though there is not much
proof and the bills are terribly high."
*
"Health nuts are going to feel real strange someday...
lying around hospitols, dying of nothing."
*
"It may be true that hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?"
*
"If today were a fish, I'd throw it back in!"
*
"By Inflection you can say much more than your words do."
*
"Never let your feet run faster than your shoes."
*
"Life is like a good book...the further you get into it,
the more it make sense!"
*
"There is nothing in which the birds differ more from man
than the way in which they can build and yet leave a
landscape as it was before..."
*
"The real beauty of democracy is that the average man
believes he is above average."
*
"Education is more than a luxury; it is a responsibility that
socirty owes to itself."
*
"Spring is God's way of saying, "One more time!"
*
"The older you get, the more important is is not to act your age."
*
"The test of courage comes when we are in the minority.
The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority."
*
"Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all."
*
"All great discoveries are made by mistake."
*
Thom's Law of Maritial Bliss:
"The length of a marriage is inversley proportional to
the cost of the wedding."
*
Finagle's Sixth Law:
"Do NOT believe in miracles -- rely on them!"
*
"One child is not enough, but two are far too many."
*
"Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter much since nobody listens."
*
"Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies."
*
The Green Thumb Law:
"The life of a house plant varies inversley with its price,
and directly with its ugliness."
*
Student's Law:
"Every instructor assumes you have nothing to do but study for his course."
*
Federal Employment Principle:
Confusion creates jobs.
*
"For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism."
*
"Hindsight is an exact science."
*
"He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke."
*
"Keep anything long enough and you can throw it away.
Throw is away and you will need it the next day."
*
"A crises is when you CAN'T say "let's forget about the whole thing!"
*
"When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get a busy signal."
*
"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately
explained by stupidity."
*
"No matter where you go....
                    there you are!"
*
Murray's Rule of Basketball:
"A free agent is anything but."
*
"Sooner or later, the worst is bound to occur."
*
Ettore's Observation:
"The other line always moves faster."
*
Judi's Law of clothing:
"If you like it, they don't have it in your size."
*
"If it's good, they discontinued it."
*
Tom's Law:
"If you don't throw it, they can't find it!"
*
"Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday."
*
"Wind velocity increases directly with the cost of the hairdo."
*
Katz's Law:
"Men and nations will act rationally only when
all other possibilities have been exhausted."
*
Diner's Dilemma:
"A clean tie attracts the soup of the day."
*
Government Rule #7,974,881:
"If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes,
 you've just become the expert."
*
"The only way to discover the limits of the possible
is to go beyond them into the impossible."
*
"Authority always tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them."
*
Jensen's Law: "Win or lose, you lose."
*
"If you cannot convince them, confuse them."
*
"Nothing is ever done for the right reasons."
*
Jone's Motto:
"Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate."
*
"It always takes longer to get there than to get back."
*
"Never eat anything bigger than your head."
*
"There is no limit to how bad things can get."
*
"Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come."
*
"A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking."
*
"You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step in it."
*
"Only God can make a random selection."
*
Seit's Law of Higher Education:
"The ONE course you need to graduate is not
 offered in your last semister."
*
Nurse Judi's Nursing Law:
"All the IV trees are at the other end of the hall."
*
"Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough!"
*
"A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead."
*
Murphy's Flu Philosophy:
"Even water tastes bad when taken on a doctor's order."
*
"Everybody is somebody else's weirdo."
*
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
"There is always one more bug."
*
"There are no answers, only cross-references!"
*
"When you finally see light at the end of the tunnel,
it will probably be a train coming towards you!"
*
"Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen."
*
"Mother Nature is a Bitch."
*
"The one time of the day you lean back and relax is
the one time of the day the boss walks through the office."
*
"Sow your wild oats on Saturday night, then on Sunday pray for crop failure."
*
"The bigger they are...the harder they hit."
*
"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other."
*
"When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue."
*
"One has the right to be wrong in a democracy."
*
"The manner in which it is given is worth more than the gift."
*
"Chains do not hold a marriage together.  It is threads,
hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through
the years."
*
"In matters of conscience, the law of majority has no place."
*
"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep.  That's
deep enough.  What do you want - an adorable pancreas?"
*
"It is a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept
anything but the best, you very often get it!"
*
"Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up."
*
"Anything that keeps a politician humble is healthy for democracy."
*
"The truth is NOT always dressed for the evening."
*
"To think too long about doing a thing often becomes its undoing."
*
"Love is what you've been through with somebody."
*
"There is no greater loan than a sympathetic ear."
*
"America did not invent human rights.  In a very real sense,
it is the other way around.  Human rights invented America."
*
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
*
"If you aren't going all the way, why go at all?"
*
"One man's remourse is another man's reminiscence."
                                            Gerald Horton Bath
*
"Among the porcupines, rape is unknown..."
*
"The more potent a man becomes in the bedroom,
the more potent he is in business."
                                    Dr. David Reuben
*
"Men always fall for frigid women because they put on the best show."
*
"The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful
women and so little time."
*
"Of all sexual aberrations, chasity is the strangest."
                                              Anatole France
*
"Marriage has many pains but celibacy has no pleasures."
                                             Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)
*
"Sexual pleasure, wisely used and not abused, may prove the stimulus and
liberator of our finest and most exalted activities."
*
"The sexual drive is nothing but the motor memory
of previously experienced pleasure."
*
"You can be sincere and still be stupid."
*
"A little sincerity is a dangerous thing;
      and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal."
*
"These IS a difference between philosophy and a bumper sticker!"
*
"Society is always taken by surprise at any new example of common sense."
*
"The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart."
*
"Girls who wear zippers shouldn't live alone."
*
"Never wear less alone than when alone."
*
"There is a suffciency in the world for man's need but not for man's greed."
*
"Our lifetime may be the last that will be lived out
in a technological society."
                             Issac Asimov
*
"Man has lost the capacity to forsee and forestall.
He will end by destroying the earth."
                                       Albert Schweitzer
*
"Adam was the only man who, when he said a good thing,
knew that nobody had said it before him."
*
"Only the past is immortal"
                       Delmore Schwartz
*
"Unless a woman has an amourous heart, she is a dull companion."
                                                 Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)
*
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
                                           Groucho Marx
*
"The body of a dead enemy always smells sweet."
*
"The brain is as strong as its weakest think."
*
"It requires a very unusual mind to make an analysis of the obvious."
*
"By annihilating desires you annihilate the mind."
*
"Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue."
*
"Modesty died when clothes were born."
*
"Life shouldn't be printed on dollar bills."
*
"May you live all the days of your life."
*
"Free are those who dream dreams."
*
"Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought."
                             ---Henri Bergson
*
"Mistrust first impulses, they are always good."
*
"Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket."
*
"If advertising encourages people to live beyond their means,
so does matrimony."             ---Bruce Barton
*
"Advertising is legalized lying."
*
"Young gorillas are friendly but they soon learn."
*
"Don't jump on a man unless he's down."
                            ---Mr. Dooley
*
"The time to relax is when you don't have time for it."
                              Sydney J. Harris
*
"To my embarrassment, I was born in bed with a lady!"
                            ---Wilson Mizner
*
"Birth is the beginning of death."
                                  ---Thomas Fuller (1608-1661)
*
"Under capitalism man exploits man; under socialism the reverse is true."
                                         ---Polish Proverb
*
"I never knew a girl who was ruined by a good book."

                                                    ---Jimmy Walker
*
"To limit the press is to insult a nation; to prohibit reading of certain
books is to declare the inhabitants to be either fools or slaves."
                                ---Claude Adrien Helvetius (1715-1771)
*
"Assassination is the extreme form of censorship."
                                        ---George Bernard Shaw
*
"Literature should not be supressed merely because it offends the moral code
of the censor."
                            ---Justice William O. Douglas
*
"A sodomite got very excited looking at a zoology text.  Does this make it
pornography?
                                   ---Stanislaw J. Lec
*
"Any country that has sexual censorship will eventually have political
censorship."
                                     ---Kenneth Tynan
*
"The ultimate censorship is the click of the dial."
                                               ---Tommy Smothers
*
"Character is destiny."
                           ---Heraclitus (540-475? B.C.)
*
"Integrity has no need of rules."
*
"Intelligent discontent is the mainspring of civilization."
                                               ---Eugene V. Debs
*
"Civilization is a race between education and catastrophe."
                                                ---H.G. Wells
*
"When a course becomes totally obsolete we make it a required course."
                                            ---Peter Drucker
*
"It is a luxury to be understood."
*
"Public office is the last refuge of the incompetent."
*
"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance."
                                                 ---Oscar Wilde
*
"The only completely consistant people are the dead."
                                              ---Aldous Huxley
*
"If you think before you speak, the other fellow gets his joke in first."

*
"Don't talk unless you can improve the silence."
                                             ---Vermont Proverb
*
"Beware of the man who goes to cocktail parties not to drink but to listen."
                                        ---Pierre Daninos
*
"A coward is a hero with a wife, kids and a mortgage."
                                                 ---Marvin Kitman
*
"The bitter part of discretion is valor."
*
"Courage is grace under pressure."
*
"Have the courage to live.  Anyone can die."
                                            ---Robert Cody
*
"If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?"
*
"The more wit the less courage."
                                 ---Thomas Fuller (1608-1661)
*
"The past is but the beginning of a beginning."
                                                --H.G. Wells
*
"An idea is a feast of association."
                                     ---Robert Frost
*
"A kleptomaniac can't help helping himself."
*
"Prisons don't rehabilitate, they don't punish, they don't protect, so what
the hell do they do?"
                                     ---Governor Jerry Brown
*
"Prison reform will not work until we start sending
a better class of peopel there."
*
"A critic is a legless man who teaches running."
                                                ---Channing Pollock
*
"I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise."
                                                ---Noel Coward
*
"Culkture is what your butcher would have if he were a surgeon."
*
"Men will sooner surrender their rights than their customs."
*
"A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths a statistic."
*
Death is mother nature's warning to slow down."
*
"In the long run, we are all dead."
                                   ---John Maynard Keyes
*
"We should weep for men at their birth, not their death."
*
"To die is landing on some distant shore."
*
"Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage."
                                                   ---H.L. Mencken
*
"Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way."
                                                ---Daniele Vare
*
"America never lost a war or won a conference."
*
"England has civilization but no culture."
                                          ---Robin Mathews
*
"What is moral is what you feel good after."
                                            ---Ernest Hemmingway
*
"The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money."
                                                     ---Joey Adams
*
"A husband is what is left of a man after the nerve is extracted."
                                              ---Helen Rowland
*
"It's innocence when it charms us, ignorance when it doesn't."
                                        ---Mignon McLaughlin
*
"Ignorance is the mother of research."
*
"Not ignorance, but ignorance of ingnorance, is the death of knowledge."
                                     ---Alfred North Whitehead
*
"Ignorance is no excuse-it's the real thing."
                                             ---Irene Peter
*
"Immortality--a fate worse than death."
                                       ---Edgar A. Shoaff
*
"Spring---an experience in immoratality."
                                         ---Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
*
"An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary
to tell more than he actually knows."
                                     ---Dwight D. Eisenhower
*
"Every child ought to be more intelligent than his parents."
                                                ---Charles Darrow
*
"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself."
                                                 ---Albert Camus
*
"A jury is composed of twelve men of average ignorance."
                                                        ---Herbert Spencer
*
"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide
who has the better lawyer."
                                ---Robert Frost
*
"Justice is truth in action."
                              --Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)
*
"Justice is incidential to law and order."
                                          ---J. Edgar Hoover
*
"This is a court of law, young man, not a court of justice."
                                              ---Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
*
"Knowledge is power, if you know it about the right person."
                                             ---Ethel Watts Mumford
*
"To know all things is not permitted."
                                      ---Horace (65-8 B.C.)
*
"Automatic"  simply means that you cannot repair it yourself.
*
90% of everything is crud.
*
A Project Manager is like the madam in a brothel. His job is to see
that everything comes off right.
*
A Smith & Wesson always beats four aces.
*
A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.
*
A bird in the hand is worth about three Kleenex.
*
A child's ability to endure likely stems from his ignorance of
alternatives.
*
A clean desk is a sign of a sick mind.
*
A closed mouth says nothing wrong; a closed mind does nothing right.
*
A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a
simple system that worked.
*
A computer makes as many mistakes in one second as three men working
for thirty years straight.
*
A conference is simply an admission that you want somebody else to
join you in your troubles.
*
A dog is a dog except when he is facing you. Then he is Mr. Dog.
*
A fellow who is always declaring that he is no fool usually harbors
suspicions to the contrary.
*
A fool and his money are some party.
*
A friend in power is a friend lost.
*
A good listener not only is popular everywhere but also, after a
while, knows something.
*
A great deal of money is never enough once you have it.
*
A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.
*
A major failure will not occur until after the unit has passed final
inspection.
*
A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there
himself.
*
A man will believe anything that does not cost him anything.
*
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are
lost.
*
A miser is a fellow who lives within his income. He is also called a
magician.
*
A misplaced decimal point will always end up where it will do the
greatest damage.
*
A narrow mind has a broad tongue.
*
A perfectly calm day will turn gusty the instant you drop a $20 bill.
*
A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in
his mouth.
*
A politician's most important ability is to foretell what will happen
tomorrow and next month and next year - and to explain afterwards why
it didn't happen.
*
A seeming ignorance is often a most necessary part of worldly
knowledge.
*
A sense of decency is often a decent man's undoing.
*
A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
*
A stockbroker is someone who invests your money until it is all gone.
*
A yacht is a hole in the water, lined with wood, steel, or fiberglass,
through which one pours all his money.
*
Academic rivalries are so intense because the stakes are so small.
*
Activity is the politician's substitute for achievement.
*
Adam Smith revisited: Work creates Wealth, which is then Redistributed
in the holy name of Social Justice. That is to say, what is mine is
yours, and his, and hers, and theirs...
*
Adventure is no more than discomfort and annoyance recollected in the
safety of reminiscence.
*
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
*
Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.
*
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
*
All things are possible.
Except skiing through a revolving door.
*
All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin
person.
*
All turtle thoughts are of turtle.
*
All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.
*
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy and Jill a wealthy widow.
*
All's well that ends.
*
Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
*
Although I may disagree with what you say, I will defend to the death
your right to hear me tell you how wrong you are.
*
Always address your elders with respect; they could leave you a
fortune.
*
Always convice those whom you are about to deceive that you are acting
in their best interests.
*
Always forgive your enemies - nothing else annoys them as much.
*
Always mistrust a subordinate who never finds fault with his boss.
*
Ambition is the curse of the political class.
*
Among economists, the real world is generally considered to be a
special case.
*
An easily understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a
complex, incomprehensible truth.
*
An economy cannot afford high tech unless it has a basic structure of
other industry to provide the savings that will support high tech
until it begins to pay off.
*
An efficient bureaucracy is the greatest threat to liberty.
*
An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.
*
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he
knows absolutely everything about nothing.
*
An infinite number of mediocrities do not add up to one genius.
*
An open mouth oft-times accompanies a closed mind.
*
An unhappy crew makes for a dangerous voyage.
*
Anger is never without an argument, or with a good one.
*
Any appetite is its own excuse for existing.
*
Any component, when inadvertently dropped, will roll into a hiding
place, the inaccessibility of which is proportional to the square of
the component's irreplaceability.
*
Any contract drawn in more than 50 words contains at least one
loophole.
*
Any given computer program, when running, is obsolete.
*
Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated terms.
*
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
*
Anyone can handle a crisis.
*
It's everyday living that kills you.
*
Anyone in good enough condition to run three miles a day is in good
enough condition not to have to.
*
Art is a passion pursued with discipline; science is a discipline
pursued with passion.
*
As scarce as truth is, the supply invariably exceeds the demand.
*
As the rabbit said, if that ain't a wolf, it's a hell of a big dog.
*
Ask your children what they want for dinner only if they are buying.
*
At best, life is a spiral and never a pendulum. What has been done
cannot be undone.
*
Don't ASSUME because you will make an ASS out of U and ME.
*
Bad weather forecasts are more often right than good ones.
*
Bankers are the assassins of hope.
*
Basic research is what you do when you don't know what you are doing.
*
Be a corporate good citizen; hire the morally handicapped.
*
Be kind to your web-footed friends; that duck may be a buyer.
*
There's no intelligent life down here.
*
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone.
*
Behind every successful man is an astonished mother-in-law.
*
Bend the facts to fit the conclusion. It's easier that way.
*
Beware of all enterprises requiring new clothes.
*
Black holes are outa sight!
*
Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the earth.
*
Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the crap.
*
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
*
Blessed be he who is called a big wheel, for he goeth around in
circles.
*
Bosses come and bosses go, but a good secretary lasts forever.
*
Bullshit baffles brains.
*
By the time most of us have money to burn, our fire's gone out.
*
Celibacy is not hereditary.
*
Cheer up.
The first hundred years are the hardest!
*
Children are a comfort in your old age, and they will even help you
reach it.
*
Civil servants are neither civil nor servile.
*
Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius.
*
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any
system which depends upon human reliability is unreliable. You can
rely on it.
*
Confidence is the feeling you had before you knew better.
*
Construct a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want
to use it.
*
Crisis management works beautifully until an actual crisis occurs.
*
Da trouble wit computers is, dey got no sense of humor.
*
Days you attend top-level meetings and days you get hiccups tend to
fall on the same dates.
*
Degeneration and evolution are not the same thing.
*
Desperate diseases require desperate remedies.
*
Did you know that if you maintain a cholesterol-free diet, your body
makes its own cholesterol.
*
Diogenes is still searching.
*
Distrust your first impressions; they are invariably too favorable.
*
Don't be afraid to take a big step. You cannot cross a chasm in two
small steps.
*
Don't be so humble...you aren't that great.
*
Don't get married if you are afraid of solitude.
*
Don't hit a man when he's down unless you are damned certain he won't
get up.
*
Don't wear earmuffs in a bed of rattlesnakes.
*
Don't worry about what other people are thinking of you. They're too
busy worrying about what you are thinking of them.
*
Dr. Faustus, call your service.
*
During Britain's "brain drain," not a single politician left the
country.
*
Economics is the only calling in which one can have a lifetime
reputation as an expert without ever once being right.
*
Education confers understanding, knowledge, and competence; schools
confer degrees.
*
Enthusiasm wanes, but dullness lasts forever.
*
Eternity is a terrible thought...where will it all end
*
Even Mason and Dixon had to draw the line somewhere.
*
Even the most faithful believer can serve a false god.
*
Every calling is great when greatly pursued.
*
Every family tree has some sap.
*
Every institution tends to perish through an excess of its own
policy.
*
Every society professes the existence of inalienable human rights;
most, however, are somewhat vague as to just what they are.
*
Everybody's death simplifies life for someone.
*
Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
*
Everything east of the San Andreas Fault will eventually plunge into
the Atlantic Ocean.
*
Everything not forbidden by the laws of Nature is mandatory. Trouble
is, nearly everything is forbidden.
*
Example is not the main thing in influencing others; it is the only
thing.
*
Excellence is an option that is renewable.
*
Expectations should not determine whether or not one acts, nor how.
*
Expensive fertilizers that do nothing for your grass will give you the
most gorgeous weeds you ever saw.
*
Experience is a good teacher, but submits huge bills.
*
Experience is what you get when you don't get what you wanted.
*
Extinction is the ultimate fate of all species.
*
Extreme boredom serves to cure boredom.
*
Extreme sorrow laughs; extreme joy weeps.
*
Extremely happy and extremely unhappy men are alike prone to grow
hard-hearted.
*
Facts cannot prevail against faith, or adamant folly.
*
Failure is a measurement that depends on the standard applied.
*
Fear is no great respecter of reason.
*
Feed the wolf as you will; he will always look to the forest.
*
First secure an independent income, then practice virtue.
*
Fools belittle that which they do not understand.
Cynics belittle everything.
Midgets simply belittle.
*
For a man of fortitude, there are no walls, only avenues.
*
For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe.
*
Freedom can be lost as surely tax by tax, regulation by regulation, as
it can be bullet by bullet, missile by missile.
*
Freedom is for everyone. Or no one.
*
Freedom of the press is limited to those who have one.
*
Friends may come and friends may go, but enemies accumulate.
*
Get too many irons in your fire and you'll put it out.
*
Give all orders verbally. Never write down anything that might go into
a "Pearl Harbor file".
*
Give me an example of pro and con.
Progress and Congress.
*
Given that Nature limited the intelligence of Man, it seems unfair
that she did not limit the stupidity of Man.
*
God can't alter history, so he created historians.
*
God has Alzheimer's disease; he's forgotten that we exist.
*
God made everything out of nothing. But the nothingness shows
through.
*
Government corruption seems always to be reported in the past tense.
*
Half of conversation is listening.
*
Have a nice day...somewhere else.
*
He is all fault who has no fault at all.
*
He who dies with the most toys, wins!
*
He who does many things makes many mistakes, but never makes the
biggest mistake of all - doing nothing.
*
He who endures, wins.
*
He who has been bitten by six dogs is legitimately suspicious of the
seventh.
*
He who leaves nothing to chance will do very few things wrong, but he
will do very few things at all.
*
He who lives on hope has a slender diet indeed.
*
He who looks too far ahead stumbles over his own boots.
*
He who would climb to the top must leave much behind.
*
He who would leap high must take a long run.
*
He who would pursue revenge should first dig two graves.
*
Hell is l is a city much like Newark.
*
Hell is not a place. Hell is what hurts worst.
*
History is the sum total of things that could have been avoided.
*
History occurs twice - the first time as tragedy, the second time as
farce.
*
Honesty in politics is much like oxygen.
The higher up you go, the scarcer it becomes.
*
Honesty is the best policy - unless, of course, you are dealing with
your wife, your girlfriend, your banker, your employer, the I.R.S.,
your creditors...
*
How can you tell when a salesman is lying ?
When his lips are moving.
*
How come nowadays the word "honesty" is generally preceded by the
phrase "old-fashioned" ?
*
How long a minute is depends upon which side of the bathroom door
you're on.
*
I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer for my friends who exercise.
*
If a cluttered desk is characteristic of a cluttered mind, what does
an empty desk mean ?
*
If a problem causes too many meetings, then the meetings eventually
become more important than the problem.
*
If all else fails, read the destructions.
*
If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they couldn't
reach a conclusion.
*
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.