World of Shareware - Software Farm 2/wosw_2.zip/wosw_2/DATABASE/FA_MAG.ZIP/VOICES.POE

Text File | 1993-01-11 | 21KB | 500 lines

                            IN THEIR OWN VOICES

     In writings about homeless people, the word "them" is often used. But
in these writings, the homeless people are "us." This collection came from
a homeless shelter where residents had access to computers. While they were
learning to use the computers, they also had opportunity to write their
thoughts, letters, poems, and songs. Then, they went their ways. The
writings stayed in the computers until a volunteer saved them, removed
identifying names, and presented them as something rarely heard outside the
homeless shelter - the words and thoughts of homeless people, in their own
voices.



                      A Song: Can't Stand The Pain
                      Written by xxxxxx xxxxxxxxxx

My God knows that I really, really, love you, yes its true
And I just can't stand the pain of ever, ever losing you
and you see, I know its been hard to hold a love together
But if there's a will, there's a way, and we can make it last forever.

So that's how I know, I never wanna let you go.

Now you see that I'm truly, truly blue,
Baby through the words of this song,
I'm pouring out my heart to you,
like I said only God knows that it's you I love,
Baby you must of been sent to me, from heaven above.

Girl why can't we shake all these, trials and tribulations
and girl why can't we live as one,
since we have such a strong relation.
There's an old cliche, that said, nothing beats a failure but a try
But to lose a love like ours, is enough to make a grown man cry

So that's how I know, I can't let you go
It would be so hard for me to lose you girl
I wouldn't want to lose you, cause you are my sunshine
you make me feel so fine, I don't want to lose ,
ooh no, no  no, no, no, because late at night,
I hold my pillow tight
you make me feel all right, Please be mine all mine
I don't wanna lose you


                              A Letter

     This letter is to inform all residents that I will be moving out
on --/--//92. I feel that this move is necessary for it is the only
way to get my life back on track. I have prayed to my higher power
and asked for an answer to my problems and this is what I have
received.

     For the Lord is my Shepherd, and I am His lamb and by
believing in Him all things are possible. Ask and ye shall
receive. This is my story, this is my song, praising my Savior all
the day long.

     To sum up this letter, I would like to wish you all good luck in
the future and may the Lord God be with you as He is with me.

     God bless you all and to all a good night.

                          Love, peace,happiness to the world.

                               Sincerely Yours,

                                    (Signed)





                               My Life Story

     I was born in East Africa, where the country was in the middle of a
war. I came from a small family of two sisters and one brother. My
childhood life was pretty much a simple one. As a kid I went to school and
when I got home, I went to church. I really don't remember too much about
my family life in Africa. I don't even remember my father much because he
worked for the government and was never home. He left his family to come
to the United States when I was four years old.

     From than on we lived with my grandmother till I was about nine years
old. In 1980 we joined my father here in the United States. I really don't
remember much about my first couple of years in the States except that my
father was very strict. But I do remember my family being real close with
each other. Most of the kids I knew really did not do much but make fun of
me and my sisters and brother, because we could not speak English.

     I started school in Maryland and I really did not like it. As a child
I gave my teachers a hard time. I would always talk back to my teachers and
fight with my peers. My father always used to give me beatings for getting
in trouble. The only thing he or my mother would say was that "We did not
bring to this country to fight with your teachers or peers,"  or, "We work
hard all day to take care of you and all you do is cause trouble."

      As the years went by I got worse and worse. We moved to Virginia in
1985.  My behavior was getting worse and worse. My father was even stricter
by now. We were not able to be out after dark and could not watch tv, or
play with other kids too much. When I started school in Virginia, I had an
attitude problem and would not listen to anyone.

     I used to be upset with my parents because they would not by me the
clothes that everyone had. So people made fun of me and girls would not
talk to me. So I started wanted money. I used to steal change from my
parents' room and go to the store and buy a value pack of gum, spending
one dollar, sell each pack for 50 cents and make about three dollar profit.

     Then I started going to people houses and would wash cars, clean their
back yards, walk their dogs, any odd job they would gave me to make a
dollar. And when my father found out I was making money he would make me
stay in the house or beat me. I was getting suspended from school and
fighting the kids from school and even my sisters.

     One time I had a bike and I was not supposed to have one. I was riding
it to school and going everywhere. When my father found out, he took me to
the spot to where my bike was and asked me about it. I said, No, that was
not my bike, and he got made and smacked the shit out of me. So I ran away
from him, not knowing where I was going.

     I was gone about five hours and when the police found me and
returned me home, I was thinking that he would have missed me or
even worried about me. Instead he beat the shit out of me. And while he was
beating me, for the first time in my life I cursed him out and told him that
I would kill him and don't touch me. That drove him even crazier.

     I continued to have trouble with my peers and with school, no matter
where we moved. I still was angry because my parents would not buy me the
fancy shoes or clothes that the other students were wearing. I got my first
job at the age of 15 when I was in junior high school, because I was tired
of the same old shit. Guys made fun of me and girls did not pay me any
attention.

     But when I started making money, I became a new person. I had my
first street hair cut and all the clothes and tennis shoes that the
other kids, had and lots of money for a kid my age. This was the time that
I started drinking and going out on dates and hanging out late.  At this
time I was doing good, so my father was not bugging me plus he was mostly
at work. My mother never told that I was coming in late and all that.
After a while I lost my job because my behavior was getting out of hand
and I was stealing money from the store.

     After not having a job for a while I was broke and started
selling drugs. I did good for at least four months, but one day I tried
crack and was hooked. The first couple months of my drug use I was using
my own money and was not letting my family get involved in what I was doing.

     But as time went by I was stealing money from anyone I could, and made
up a lot of stories to get money. I was going to my parents' friends and
telling them that I needed money so that I could buy my parents a gift,
or that my car is being towed, just about any lie to get money. Then I
started missing days in school and getting suspended every other week from
school. By now I was losing weight and looking dirty. And I was angry as
hell. One day I was getting high and ran out of money and I went to one of
my father's friend's house to ask for money.

     He did not give the money. Instead, he called my parents and told where
I was. My father found me outside and forced to come to the house. I was so
beat that I finally told my folks that I was on drugs and that I could not
control it and they sent me to treatment place. I used drugs the first day
I got out.

     My using got worse. By now I had been locked up four times and been at
one treatment center. At this time I was robbing cab drivers for money.
Finally, I was caught trying to rob an undercover police officer.

     They locked me up and found out that I was the one robbing the cab
drivers. I spent nine months in jail for my crime. When I got out my father
would not let me live with the family. So, for the first time in my life I
was homeless. I stayed with different people for a while and then went to
my first shelter.

     After this I really went crazy. I was still stealing money from people
and robbing folks and more. I have been homeless at least four times and
jobless at least every pay day. I stopped caring whether I lived or died.
My addiction started making me things that I thought I would never do -
like sleeping in grave yards, and more.

     I really can't tell no more because after this my life really got hard
on me.  I was lower than low. I was so long in the gutter that I had to jump
up to reach the curb.

     All I know is that I am tired and worn out.



                                A Song


I tried, I tried , baby to give you all that I have today
But now it's too late, cause I made a mistake,
But I really do love you, yes I really do, I really do love you.

But now it's too late, cause I lost you.
But you gave me good feeling
Yes, you do. Day by day, I dream my dreams will come true,
And I won't feel this feeling of the blues,
Cause one of these days, you will be coming to me
Cause I'll wear diamond rings, drive a brand new car and
Look up and very far,

But now I'm wishing that you were like a star, but not so far,
But you gave me good feelings, yes, you really do.

My life goes up and down like a merry-go-round,
Oh, yes it does, so why don't you remember the good times,
And come with me to cloud nine
Cause I won't drop another dime,
Just wasting my time.

But I gave you love and you gave me joy,
So I'm not thinking that you are just a toy
Because you are my joy.




                           Troubled Mind


     Remember, I am 45 years old, and have been working since I was 16.

     My first nervous breakdown came in 1977.  After that I found a job
working for the City Of Alexandria.  I was still taking my medication and
I continued until about ten years ago.  I wasn't satisfied there, so I
decided I should go back into the Federal Government.

     I got a job at Cameron Station as a computer operator.  When I got
there I had a bright idea.  After getting back into the Government I would
transfer home (St. Louis Mo.)

     But several incidents that occurred, that I didn't realize
meant so much to me - still, the result was another nervous breakdown.  I
went back on day shift. One morning I started crying and I couldn't stop.
The damage had already been done.

     My doctor said I couldn't work so  I signed up for General Relief, SSI,
and Social Security from the job, and SSDI.  This was July 23, 1991.  At
this time I'm only receiving Social Security from my job.  I didn't have
money to pay my rent.  So I ended up at ----------- Shelter.

     Through all of this, my case manager kept saying, "You need to go to
the Club House." I kept wondering why everybody kept sending me to play
bingo, shoot pool, and to do social dancing, when I'm trying to find me
someplace to live.  I didn't have time to play games.


     But coming from the shelter I had to find someplace to go during the
day.  I finally went to the Club House, and there I got the help I was
looking for. Thank God and my counselors at the Club House that the
residential program will help me to find a place to stay.

     The Club House is important to a lot of people. But I still haven't
learned to play bingo (smile).





                             My Story

     I don't know what's wrong with me. I hate life and what
it has to offer. I really don't know what I want to do with my
life.

     The truth of the matter is sometimes I don't really care what
happens to me and where I go. I always feel pain and defeat and
that I will never do anything and life but be failure. I find
myself in depression and hurting so bad that I can't even face
myself sometimes. I really hate myself for doing the things the
things I have done in the last four years.

     The only thing that I have accomplished is hurting peoples' feelings
and stealing money and even hearts. Anyone who ever cared for me or even
tried to help me did nothing but get their feelings hurt.

     Sometimes I ask myself, Is there a turnaround from this life I have
been living? Could I ever become someone... or anyone? I want so bad to die.
But I don't have the courage to do it myself. I hate feeling lonely and so
depressed all the time.

     Keep coming back, I am told, and things will get better and you will no
longer feel lonely and blue. Life has really been hard for me. To think that
I chose to put myself through these situations, and when people reached out
to me I did not reach back. Now, I don't have anything - no money, no
clothes, no friends, no women, no family, not even myself.

     I try to reach to my God, but I think I have used up all my prayers.
Life to me is like a merry-go-round, keeps going round and round, and where
it's going to stop even I don't know.

     It's a shame, because deep down inside all I am is a scared little boy.
Well, let me stop before my true feelings come out.





                              A  Letter

Dear Mom,

     I hope when you receive this letter you and the family are all in the
best of health. I know it's been a long time since I have spoken to you. I
have been having difficult times with my marriage. I still know that's no
excuse for not calling or writing to you. It's nothing personal toward you,
I want you to know that. I think about you all the time, and miss you all
very much.

     I am doing good to myself and am feeling very healthy, praise God. I
hope you are feeling good, too. I love you all very much, and hope to see
you soon. I send my love to everyone, especially you, Mom. Please write as
soon as you can.

                                         Love,

                                         Your Son



                              A Business Letter

Dear Ms. -------,


     Here are the forms you have requested. You should have
received notarized copies via fax from Legal Services. It may
sometimes take up to six days to receive mail from xxxxxx County,
thus making use of the fax a matter of convenience.


     As you can see, I am presently residing in a shelter but will have
housing in about a month, or even less, I hope. I should be acquiring at
least two bedrooms and since I am staying here, my housing placement is at
the top of the list. I am here to gain affordable housing.

     As far as the performance agreement, Mr. xxxxxx, as we have discussed
on the phone, has all the copies of completion of the Parenting Class.
(xxxxxxxxxx Mental Health Clinic Oct.-Dec. 1990; a 10 week course). Also,
I've been involved in the Alcohol And Substance Program since ---------
on an outpatient basis. I also have been seeing and am seeing a
psychiatrist on a regular basis since March of this year. I have read books
on parenting as requested and have completed them.

     Following is a list of professionals whom I see regularly. Mr. xxxxxx
has a more in-depth and descriptive list of everyone, professionally
speaking, I have seen since my return to Virginia.

        1) xxxxxx xxxxxxx - (703) --- ---- - My substance abuse
                                               counselor.
        2) Dr. xxxxxxxxx  - (703) --- ---- - My psychiatrist
        3) xxxx xxxxxxxx  - (703) --- ---- - My case worker here at
                                               the shelter.

     Fortunately, the shelter and substance abuse clinic are
both found within the same building. I still receive my mail at
the address that you have. I go there at least three times a
week. You can reach me here at (703) --- ---- anytime. If I am
out they will give me any messages. Or, if you prefer, you can
discuss it with xxxx xxxxxxx. Please keep me informed!

                     Thank you.

                     Xxxxx  Xxxxxxx




                          PLANS

     ON 10-14-92 I CAME TO THIS SHELTER BECAUSE OF MY STUPID AND CRAZY
IDEALS ABOUT DRUGS AND ALCOHOL . DUE TO THIS MIND-MOVING EXPERIENCE, I HAVE
LOST EVERYTHING I OWN - APARTMENT, FAMILY, JOB, SELF-RESPECT. WHAT AM I
SUPPOSED TO DO NEXT?

(1) STAY CLEAN /SOBER
(2) DO 90/90 GO BACK TO TREATMENT FOR 28 DAY THE HARD WAY!!
(3) CONTACT COUNSELOR ABOUT GETTING MY JOB BACK (IF POSSIBLE)
    IF NOT GET A NEW ONE, WITH QUICKNESS.
(4) I WOULD LIKE TO DRIVE A BIG TRUCK - AN 18 WHEELER.




                  A Letter to Someone Special

Dear -------,

     I am sorry that it took me so long to write you but I
have been busy trying to find out what I want do with my life. I
have been thinking about you every day and night, wondering if you
have found someone to be with and forgotten about me - because I have not
forgotten about you.

     I wish there was something that I could say to make you forget the way
that I was treating you, but I can't. You know that I really do care for
you, but at the time I was confused about what I wanted and where my life
was going. You are not stupid so you knew that I was probably playing around
and some more things. I always used to accuse you of dogging me because I
was dogging you. So naturally I was thinking that maybe you were doing the
same thing to me. No matter want you think, I did not have sex with a lot
of people. I might have kissed a few or some of that sort. You probably
thinking, Why am I telling this? And you probably have already found
someone to be with and love someone else. But I really don't care who you
are with and who you have been sleeping with. I will get my lady back.
It's been almost a while since I have gone out or drank or any of that
stupid stuff I was doing in the past. I have finally learned that it was
time for me to grow up and take on life.

     I am doing very well now. I work at the bank from 8:30 to 4:30, then
I go to work at the community center and work about six hours. I am saving
money and will be purchasing a car soon. Now you do not have to believe
that I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you and have a
family and all that stuff that we used to talk about. But I wish I would
have known earlier how much I really love you and that without you I am a
lonely and very angry person.

     I was supposed to live in California and than go to Africa for a while
but I decided that I could not run away from my problems and that the way to
solve them was face them head up. I made my parents send me to a computer
school and there is also a business department that I will be attending.
Well, I have to go now. It's time to feed my son. He's staying with me
until I leave next week to go to school. The bank I work for has given me
a chance to go to school and come back and work for them.

                                                       Love always,
                                                         xxxxxx


                       Look At Us

Too many people dying,
Too many people without homes,
Too many murders on our streets,
Too many drugs in our cities,
Too many politicians talking,
Too much wasted time going on;

Cops killing each other,
Cops killing our kids,
Kids killing each other,
For Puma, Nike or whatever's in;

Preachers and teachers molesting,
Murderers out on bail --
How are we supposed to protect ourselves,
If we use the gun we're the ones in jail!

Corporations are polluting our air,
Our lands and seas are gone,
We're dying of unknown illnesses --
I've heard doctors are creating some --

The powers that be above us
Are angered and in disgust,
They've thrown down the apocalypse.
I don't blame them.

Look at us.



                            A Very Familiar Place


I didn't even know your name,
I only knew your face,
A face I've  seen too often,
In a very familiar place.

You came upon me suddenly,
At first I didn't know you were there,
But somehow I felt the magic
Of your hidden emotional stare.

We spoke of love and honor,
Of trust and devotion -- it was new --
Of feelings, longings, and  unwanted pain
That are a part of all life's menu.

On a promise of a chance that must be taken,
We part with a mental embrace,
Towards an uncertain future,
In a very familiar place.




                     A Fragment: "And He Will Tell..."


     Once upon a time in a place called "Fantasy," there lived a man named
Doubt.  Doubt was a very troubled guy.  Everywhere he turned, he seemed to
find more chaos, confusion, and disappointment. Doubt was at his wits' end;
in desperation he turned to his friend Sincerity....