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t.axes
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2022-08-26
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T H E E V I L A X E S
submitted by Andrew Curry
In a recent speech, Bush Calls
Iraq, Iran and North Korea "Axis of
Evil" -- N.Y. Times, 1/30/02. ANGERED
BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA, SYRIA FORM
AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL Cuba, Sudan,
Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil;
Other Nations Start Own Clubs.
Beijing (SatireWire.com) - Bitter
after being snubbed for membership in
the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and
Syria today announced they had formed
the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they
said would be way eviler than that
stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis
President Bush warned of his State of
the Union address.
Axis of Evil members, however,
immediately dismissed the new axis as
having, for starters, a really dumb
name. "Right. They are Just as Evil...
in their dreams!" declared North
Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody
knows we're the best evils... best at
being evil... we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they
were jealous over being excluded,
although they conceded they did ask if
they could join the Axis of Evil.
"They told us it was full," said
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An
Axis can't have more than three
countries," explained Iraqi President
Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule,
it's tradition. In World War II you
had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the
evil Axis. So you can only have three.
And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked
cool."
[ THE AXIS PANDEMIC]
International reaction to Bush's
Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as
within minutes, France surrendered.
Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations
rushed to gain triumvirate status in
what became a game of geopolitical
chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia said
they had formed the Axis of Somewhat
Evil, forcing Somalia to join with
Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of
Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria,
Indonesia and Russia established the
Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As
Just Generally Disagreeable.
With the criteria suddenly
expanded and all the desirable clubs
filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador,
and Rwanda applied to be called the
Axis of Countries That Aren't the
Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to
Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and
Australia formed the Axis of Nations
That Are Actually Quite Nice But
Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About
America, while Spain, Scotland, and
New Zealand established the Axis of
Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep
to Wear Lipstick.
"That's not a threat, really, just
something we like to do," said
Scottish Executive First Minister Jack
McConnell.
While wondering if the other
nations of the world weren't perhaps
making fun of him, a cautious Bush
granted approval for most axes,
although he rejected the establishment
of the Axis of Countries Whose Names
End in "Guay," accusing one of its
members of filing a false application.
Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and
Chadguay denied the charges.
Israel, meanwhile, insisted it
didn't want to join any Axis, but
privately, world leaders said that's
only because no one asked them.
Submitted by Andrew Curry,
former lead guitarist for
the Teddy Bears (members
of the Axis of Really Bad
Garage Bands). Curry is
currently a professional
computer geek somewhere in
Kansas City.