Horror Sensation/HORROR.iso/texts/memorab2.txt

Internet Message Format | 1994-10-08 | 96KB

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From: [e-mail] (Lars Jorgen Aas)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.movies,alt.cult-movies,rec.arts.sf.movies,alt.quotations,rec.answers,alt.answers,news.answers
Subject: Memorable Quotes from Movies [DATABASE LIST] (Part 2/2)
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Date: 3 Oct 1994 10:32:09 GMT
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Summary: This posting contains a list of memorable quotes from movies.
         Mostly funny quotes, but also quotes that are memorable for
         some other reason.  It is used in Colin Needham's rec.arts.movies
         movie database, and also Cardiff's Movie Database Browser.  More
         info: rtfm.mit.edu:/usenet/news.answers/movies/movie-database-faq
Keywords: movies quotes database
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Xref: bloom-beacon.mit.edu rec.arts.movies:114220 alt.cult-movies:43633 rec.arts.sf.movies:20404 alt.quotations:14187 rec.answers:7662 alt.answers:4794 news.answers:26736

Archive-name: movies/quotes/part2
Posting-Frequency: monthly
Last-modified: 10/03/94
Version: 1.10


# L.A. Story

[Harris and friends at lunch]
Harris' friend:  I'll have a decaf coffee.
Harris' friend:  I'll have a decaf espresso.
Harris' friend:  Do you have any decaffeinated coffee ice cream?
Harris:  I'll have a half double-decaf half-caf - with a twist of lemon.
Harris' friend:  I'll have a twist of lemon.
Harris' friend:  I'll have a twist of lemon.
Harris' friend:  I'll have a twist of lemon.

Road Sign:  There are more things n heaven and earth than are dreamt of n
  your philosophy.

[Repeated line]
Sara McDowel:  Let your mind go and your body will follow.

Harris K. Telemacher:  Ordinarily, I don't like to be around interesting
  people because it means I have to be interesting too.
Sara McDowel:  Are you saying I'm interesting?
Harris K. Telemacher:  All I'm saying is that, when I'm around you, I find
  myself showing off, which is the idiot's version of being interesting.

Bob:  Hi.  My name is Bob.  I'll be your robber.
Harris K. Telemacher hands him the money:  Hi, how are you?
Bob:  Thank you very much.

Harris:  There's someone out there for everyone - even if you need a
  pickaxe, a compass, and night goggles to find them.

[Harris picks up the ringing phone]
Harris:  Hello, this is Harris.  I'm at home right now, so you can talk to
  me in person.  Please start talking at the beep.
[beep]

[Sara McDowel asks Harris when the right time for low, sustained, booming
  noises were in L.A.  We later find out she plays tuba]
Harris:  Ah - low, sustained, booming noises.  Nine, nine-fifteen.

Harris:  SanDeE*, your breasts - they feel strange.
SanDeE*:  Oh, that's 'cause they're real.

Harris to SanDeE*:  Well, thank you for a lovely lunch and enema.

Harris:  Well, maybe you think it's intellectual because you were raised
  with a banana and an innertube...  This is an intellectual-free zone.

Harris:  I could never be a woman.  If I were, I would do nothing but sit at
  home all day playing with my breasts.


# Lady Vanishes, The (1938)

Iris Henderson:  I've no regrets.  I've been everywhere and done everything.
  I've eaten caviar at Cannes, sausage rolls at the dogs.  I've played
  baccarat at Biarritz and darts with the rural dean.  What is there left
  for me but marriage?


# Lair of the White Worm, The

Lady Silvia Marsh:  To lose one parent may be reguarded as a misfortune.  To
  lose both looks like carelessness.


# Lassie Come Home

Lassie:  Woof woof woof woof woof.


# Last Action Hero

[First line]
Dekker:  This is one hell of a way to spend christmas...

[Jack Slater is Hamlet]
Hamlet:  Hey Claudius!  You killed my father!  Big mistake!
Narrator:  Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and Hamlet is taking
  out the trash.
Old Man:  Stay thee hand, fair prince.
Hamlet shooting him:  Who said I'm fair?
Narrator:  Noone is going to tell this sweet prince good night.
Hamlet:  To be or not to be?  Not to be.

Vivaldi:  What I'm saying is; Mr. Benedict can take you out as easy as
  cake.

[Danny Madigan is watching the bad guys on the screen]
Danny Madigan:  You are gonna pay...  Oooh, you gonna pay!

[Frank's last words]
Frank:  I'm out of here...

Jack Slater:  Who the hell are you?
Danny Madigan:  Don't shoot me.  I'm Danny Madigan.  I'm a kid.

Danny Madigan:  OK, I got one.  What about this girl right here.  She is way
  too attractive to be working in a video store.
Jack Slater:  I agree with you.  I think she should be working with us ...
  under cover of course...

Danny Madigan:  You think you are funny, don't you?
Jack Slater:  I know I am.  I'm the famous comedian Arnold Braunschweiger.
Danny Madigan:  Schwarzenegger!
Jack Slater:  Gesundheit.

Jack Slater:  Could I speak to the drugdealer of the house, please?

Jack Slater:  I'll be back!  Ha!  You didn't know I was gonna say that, did
  you?
Danny Madigan:  That's what you always say!
Jack Slater:  I do?

Jack Slater:  Kid!  Who does the doctor treat?
Danny Madigan:  Patients?
Jack Slater:  Look at the elbow of my jacket.  What is it doing?
Danny Madigan:  Wearing thin?
Jack Slater:  Bingo!

[Danny Madigan was just kissed by Whitney Slater]
Danny Madigan:  From now on it's all gonna be downhill...

Whitney Slater:  FREEZE!  Lose the guns or I redecorate in brain-matter
  grey, gottit?

Danny Madigan:  Chicken it is...

Danny Madigan:  ...I though I was going to die.
Jack Slater:  Well I'm sorry to disappoint you but you're gonna live to
  enjoy all the glorious fruits life has got to offer - acne, shaving,
  premature ejaculation ... and your first divorce.

Jack Slater:  And Whitney!  Why can't she be like every other teenager.  For
  prom night she stayed home and field stripped an AK-47.

Vivaldi:  Mr. Torelli.  I hope it's alright with you I am here.  I don't
  wanna be no fourth wheel...

Vivaldi:  You've had Slater in front of the eight ball before, but you
  always screwed it up.

Vivaldi:  What is this, Benedict!  First you are my friend, then you turn
  360 on me...

Benedict:  If God was a villain, he would have been me.

Nick:  There are lots of things worse than movies:  politicians, wars,
  forest fires, famine, plague, sickness, pain, whorts, politicians...
Jack Slater:  You already mentioned them.
Nick:  I know I did.  They are twice as bad as anything else.

James Belushi:  I'm not really a big fan of Arnold's...  She is, you know...
  Arnold really turns her on and I just want to be there when it happens.


# Last Boy Scout, The

[Billy Cole's last line]
Billy Cole:  Ain't life a bitch?

[Joe Hallenbeck wakes up in his car and stares at his grubby reflection in
  the mirror]
Joe Hallenbeck:  Nobody likes you.  Everybody hates you.  You're gonna lose.
  Smile, you fuck.

Jimmy Dix:  Hi, you're nobody!
Joe Hallenbeck:  Shhh, don't tell anyone.

Joe Hallenbeck:  This ain't no game, "Flash"!  Real guns.  Real bullets.
  It's dangerous.
Jimmy Dix:  "Dangerous" is my middle name.
Joe Hallenbeck:  Mine is "Cornelius".

Milo:  You think you are so fucking cool, don't you?  You think you are so
  fucking cool.  But just once, I would like to hear you scream in pain...
Joe Hallenbeck:  Play some rap music.


# Last of the Mohicans, The (1992)

Nathaniel Poe:  In case your aim is better than your judgment.

Hawkeye:  My Father says
Cora interupting:  Your Father?!
Hawkeye:  Chingachgook told me, "Don't try to understand them; and don't try
  to make them understand you.  For they are a breed apart and make no
  sense".


# Leap of Faith (1992)

Jonah Nightengale:  A twelve-gauge, double-barrelled, grenade-launcher of
  LOVE!

Jonas Nightengale:  Yakety Yak - God's talking back!


# Lethal Weapon

Man at the office:  You know, Roger, you are way behind the times.  The guys
  of the 80s aren't though.  They are sensitive people.  Show a little
  emotion to a woman and shit like that.  I think I'm an 80's...
Roger Murtaugh:  How do you figure?
Man at the office:  Last night I cried in bed.  So how is that?
Roger Murtaugh:  Were you with a woman?
Man at the office:  I was alone.  Why do you think I cried?
Roger Murtaugh:  Sounds like an 80's man to me...

[Repeated line all the way]
Roger Murtaugh:  I'm too old for this shit!

Roger Murtaugh:  God hates me, that's what it is...
Martin Riggs:  Hate him back!  It works for me...

Roger Murtaugh:  Have you ever met anybody you didn't kill?
Martin Riggs:  I haven't killed you, have I?

Martin Riggs:  Perhaps there's an opening in the L.A. Fire Department?

[When Joshua is panting on the lawn after the title-fight]
Roger Murtaugh:  Get that shit off my lawn!


# Lethal Weapon 2

[After a wild car chase, the car looks like a wreck]
Roger Murtaugh:  This was a new car, Riggs...
Martin Riggs:  Well, it still is!

[After shooting 2 criminals with a nail gun]
Roger Murtaugh:  Nailed you both!


# Leviathan (1989)

Sixpack:  You know, I stood next to a guy who blew up his suit once.  I'll
  tell you, that was not a pretty sight.
Jones:  Leave DeJesus alone, man!
Sixpack:  One tiny little hole in a fucking toe of his suit, man.  No bigger
  than your dick.  Yeah, the way the ocean came in, the pressure just
  crammed his whole body up into his helmet.  We just buried his helmet.
  That would have been you, DeJesus.
DeJesus:  Hey, I know about implosions.
Sixpack:  Yeah, I bet you do.  I bet you were imploding in your pants.


# Lion in Winter, The

Philip II:  That's what tapestries are for.

Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine:  You're not an assassin.
Richard:  Look again.

Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine:  We could tangle spiders in the webs you weave.

King Henry II:  More Brandy wine?  They were boiling it in Ireland before
  the snakes left!

Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine:  What family doesn't have its ups and downs?

Prince Geoffrey:  I know.  You know I know.  I know you know I know.  We
  know Henry knows, and Henry knows we know it.  [smiles] We're a
  knowledgable family.


# Lion King, The

[Timon finds a grub in a rotten log and eats it]
Timon:  Slimy ... yet satisfying.


# Little Shop of Horrors (1986)

[Orin Scrivello, the sadistic dentist]
Orin Scrivello:  I thrill when I drill a bicuspid, it's swell though they
  tell me I'm mal-ad-just-ed.


# Lodger, The (1926)

Joe Betts:  When I've put a rope round the Avenger's neck, I'll put a ring
  around Daisy's finger.


# Mad Max

Fifi Macaffee:  People don't believe in heroes any more.


# Made in America

Hal Jackson:  Funny thing, sperm...


# Major League

[The Indians General Manager calls minor league coach Lou Brown at Tire
  World to offer him a position with the Indians]
General Manager:  How would you like to manage the Indians this year?
Lou Brown:  Gee, I don't know....
General Manager:  What do you mean?  This is your chance to manage in the
  big leagues.
Lou Brown:  Let me get back to you.  I got a guy on the other line asking
  about some white walls.

[Rookie pitcher Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn is about to throw the final pitch
  for the Indians in the playoff game]
Lou Brown:  Forget about the curve ball Ricky, give him the heater.


# Malice

Jed:  Bad things happen to good people all the time, Andy, for no reason
  what-so-ever...


# Man Who Would Be King, The

Peachy Carnehan:  Detriments you call us?  Detriments?  Well I want to
  remind you that it was detriments like us that built this bloody Empire
  AND the Izzat of the bloody Raj.  Hats on!

Peachy Carnehan:  Home to what?  A porters uniform outside a restaurant and
  six penny tips from belching civilians for closing cab doors on their
  blowzy women?
Daniel Dravot:  Not for us thank you.  Not after watching afghans come
  howling down out of the hills and taking battlefield command when all the
  officers bought it.
Peachy Carnehan:  Well said, brother Dravot.


# Manhattan

Isaac Davis:  My ex-wife left me for another woman.


# Manhunter (1986)

Will Graham:  I know that I'm not smarter than you.
Dr. Hannibal Lecktor:  Then how did you catch me?
Will Graham:  You had disadvantages.
Dr. Hannibal Lecktor:  What disadvantages?
Will Graham:  You're insane.


# Marked for Death

[John Hatcher just killed two of the bad guys and is chatting to his buddy]
John Hatcher:  One thought he was invisible, and the other thought he could
  fly.  They were both wrong.


# Maverick

[Just like in _Lethal Weapon_ (qv) and it's sequels]
Bank Robber:  I'm too old for this shit.


# Midnight Cowboy

Joe Buck:  I'll tell you the truth now, I ain't a f'real cowboy.  But I am
  one hell of a stud!

Joe Buck:  It just ain't right cheatin' from a pregnant lady.

Joe Buck:  John Wayne!  Are you tryin' to tell me he's a fag?


# Mirror Crack'd, The

Lola Brewster:  I could eat a can of Kodak and puke a better movie.


# Mississippi Burning

Rupert Anderson to Ward:  Don't you have the whole world to save???


# Mister Roberts

[Last line]
Ensign Pulver:  Captain, I just threw your palm tree overboard and what's
  all this crud about there being no movie tonight?


# Monolith

Tucker:  I got 3 rules; 1) Shit happens, 2) Shit happens on a regular basis
  and 3) You better get used to rule 1 and 2.


# Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Peasant 1:  Who's that there?
Peasant 2:  I don't know...  Must be a king...
Peasant 1:  Why?
Peasant 2:  He hasn't got shit all over him.

Arthur:  I am your king!
Woman:  Well I didn't vote for you!
Arthur:  You don't vote for kings.
Woman:  Well how'd you become king then?
[Angelic music plays...]
Arthur:  The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering silmite
  held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine
  providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.  THAT is why I am your
  king!
Dennis interrupting:  Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin'
  swords is no basis for a system of government!  Supreme executive power
  derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcicial aquatic
  ceremony!

Dennis:  Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just
  because some watery tart threw a sword at you!

Dennis:  Oh but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some
  moistened bink lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

Dennis:  Help!  Help!  I'm being oppressed!  Violence inherent in the
  system!  Violence inherent in the system!

Bedevere:  ...and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana
  shaped...
Arthur:  This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere.  Explain again how
  sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes...

Arthur:  On second thought, let's not go to Camelot.  It is a silly place.

Inge:  You must spank her well, and after you are done with her, you may
  deal with her as you like...  and then...  spank me!
All:  And me!  And me too!  And me!
Inge:  Yes!  Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!

Inge:  And after the spanking, the oral sex!
Galahad:  Well I could stay a bit longer...

Knight:  We are the Knights who say...  NI!

Knight 1:  We are now no longer the Knights who say Ni.
Knight 2:  NI!
Other Knights:  Shh...
Knight 1:  We are now the Knights who say...  "Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG!
  Zoom-Boing!  Z'nourrwringmm!"

King of Swamp Castle:  We live in a bloody swamp.  We need all the land we
  can get.
Prince Herbert:  But I don't like her.
King of Swamp Castle:  Don't like her?  What's wrong with her.  She's
  beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge ... tracts of land.

Dennis/Peasant in Autonomous Collective:  If I went around calling myself
  emperor simply because some watery tart lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd
  put me away.


# More the Merrier, The

Benjamin Dingle:  There are two kinds of people - those who don't do what
  they want to do so they write down in a diary about what they haven't done
  and those who are too busy to write about it 'cause they're out doing it!


# Muppet Movie, The

[Fozzie and Kermit pick up Gonzo and ask him what he wants to do with his
  life]
Gonzo:  I want to go to Bombay, India and become a movie star.
Fozzie:  You don't go to Bombay, India to become a movie star!  You go where
  we're going:  Hollywood.
Gonzo:  Sure!  If you want to do it the easy way!


# Murder!

Handel Fane:  I assure you, Inspector, I'm not the other woman in this
  case.


# My Blue Heaven (1990)

[pickup-line]
Vincent Antonelli:  You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the
  frozen food section!
Shaldeen:  Why is that?
Vincent Antonelli:  Because you could melt all this stuff...

[Vincent Antonelli is questioned about the stolen goods in the trunk of the
  car he stole]
Hannah Stubbs:  The books...
Vincent Antonelli:  You have something against books?
Hannah Stubbs:  I have nothing about books!  I am curious about the books in
  your trunk.
Vincent Antonelli:  You see, I was thinking of writing my story, so I bought
  this one on how to do it.
Hannah Stubbs:  Why do you need 25 copies of it?
Vincent Antonelli:  In case I want to read it more than once...

Vincent Antonelli:  Richie loved to use 22s because the bullets are small
  and they don't come out the other end like a 45, see, a 45 will blow a
  barn door out the back of your head and there's a lot of dry cleaning
  involved, but a 22 will just rattle around like pac man until you're
  dead.

[last line]
Vincent Antonelli:  You know, sometimes I even amaze myself.


# My Chauffeur

Cat Fight:  Look at that.  A blue woman with a blue dog.
Groupie 1:  She aint Blue.
Cat Fight:  Her hair is blue.
Groupie 2:  That counts.  A blue woman with a blue dog.
Groupie 3:  That's 20,000 points.
Groupie 1:  Now you've gotta get her panties.


# My Favorite Year

Benjy Stone:  I don't want to bring Alan Swann to your house, Ma!
Belle:  Well what are you ashamed of?
Benjy Stone:  Everything!

Benjy Stone:  Jews know two things in this world:  suffering, and where to
  get really great Chinese food.

[Alan Swann is panicking because he has to go on live television]
Alan Swann:  Damn you!  I'm not an actor, I'm a movie star!

Alan Swann:  Alfredo, telephone the Stork Club - we'll be two for dinner.
Alfi Bambacelli:  Mr. Swann, are you sure you want the Stork Club?  Remember
  what happened last time?
Alan Swann:  It's been a year and a half.  Surely they've repaired the wall
  and the bandstand by now.

[Benjy Stone and a very drunken Alan Swann are up on a roof as Swann
  attempts to shimmy down the side of the building]
Benjy Stone:  Let's *not* do this - it's too dangerous!
Alan Swann:  Nonsense!  It worked perfectly well in "A Slight Case of
  Remorse"!
Benjy Stone:  That was a movie! This is real life!
Alan Swann:  What is the difference?

[King Kaiser is trying to hit on Alice Miller the writer]
King Kaiser:  You look real nice today, Alice.  Did you get those shoes I
  sent you?
Alice Miller:  Oh yeah.
King Kaiser:  Why did you send them back?
Alice Miller:  They were the wrong size.  And they were used.


# My Own Private Idaho

Mike Waters:  This is a nice home.  Do you live here? ... I don't blame
  you.

Mike Waters:  I've been tasting roads my whole life.

Scott Favor:  When you wake up, wipe the slugs off your face.  Be ready for
  a new day!


# Mystery Date

Geena:  We spend hours making ourselves look completely different, and then
  we go into some dark place where we really can't see each other anyway,
  and then we drink so we dont know if the other person is really
  interesting or just seems interesting cuz they're pretending to be
  interested in the person that we're pretending to be.
Tom:  Uh, right. So I guess there's no getting around it.  We're gonna have
  to lie to each other.


# Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear, The

Lt. Frank Drebin:  Nice party, Hapsburg...  I see a lot of familiar
  facelifts.

Quentin Hapsburg:  You do speak French don't you?
Lt. Frank Drebin:  Unfortunately no, but I do kiss that way.

[Lt. Frank Drebin is unhappy about Dr. Mainheimer]
Lt. Frank Drebin:  Have you noticed anything different about him?
Jane Spencer:  Well, only that he's a foot taller, and he seems to be left
  handed now...  Frank, what are you trying to tell me?  That Quentin has
  somehow found an exact double for Dr. Mainheimer and that tomorrow that
  double will give a fraudulent report to the president?
Lt. Frank Drebin:  Why that's brilliant, that's a lot better than what I
  came up with.

[Hector Savage is in a house surrounded by armed police...  He makes his
  demands]
Hector Savage:  I want a car out front, something fun, a Porsche, then I
  want a plane ticket to Jamaica...  And I want a nice hotel, no touristy
  place...  Something really indicative of the people and their culture.

[Lt. Frank Drebin making a speech at the White House]
Lt. Frank Drebin:  ...blowing away a fleeing suspect with my 44 magnum used
  to mean everything to me, I enjoyed it, well who wouldn't?

[Lt. Frank Drebin making a speech at the White House]
Lt. Frank Drebin:  I want a world where Frank junior and all the Frank
  juniors can sit under a shady tree, breathe the air, swim in the ocean,
  and go into a 7-11 without an interpreter.

[Lt. Frank Drebin and Jane Spencer are standing next to a nuclear bomb which
  is about to explode]
Jane Spencer:  Frank, if you're going to be blown to bits, I want to be here
  with you.

Lt. Frank Drebin:  The truth hurts doesn't it, Hapsburg?  Oh, sure maybe not
  as much as jumping on a bike with the seat missing...

[Lt. Frank Drebin and Ed Hocken are in a sex shop making inquiries]
Busty Female Shop Assistant:  Why should I tell you copper?
Lt. Frank Drebin:  Because I'm the last line of defense between sleeze like
  this and the decent people of this town.
[A male shop assistant appears from a storeroom.]
Assistant:  Oh hi Frank, say we got that model D83 Swedish sure-grip suck
  machine that you ordered.
Lt. Frank Drebin to the Female Assistant:  It's a gift.

[Frank Drebin and Ed Hocken try to analyze a case]
Frank Drebin: Why would anyone do this?
Ed Hocken: Sex, Frank?
Frank Drebin: No, thanks, not now...


# Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult

[Frank Drebin is stopped at the entrance of the Award Ceremony place]
Frank Drebin:  Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective Leutenant, Police Squad.
Guard:  Yeah, and I'm Robert De Niro.
Frank Drebin:  Mr. De Niro, we got to get inside.


# Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!, The

Frank Drebin:  Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on
  this force will rest one minute before until he's behind bars.  Now, let's
  grab a bite to eat.

Frank Drebin:  Interesting...  Almost as interesting as the photographs I
  saw today.
Jane Spencer:  I was young.  I needed the work.

[Frank Drebin is emptying out his files after being kicked off the force]
Frank Drebin:  Hey!  The missing evidence in the Kelner case!  He really was
  innocent!
Ed Hocken:  Frank, Kelner went to the chair two years ago.
Frank Drebin: Well, uh......
[Frank Drebin quickly shoves the evidence back into the file cabinet]

[Frank Drebin is angrily breaking up with Jane Spencer]
Frank Drebin:  And I'll tell you one more thing:  I faked every orgasm!

Jane Spencer:  I wanted you to know, now, I've loved you since the first day
  I met you, and I'll never stop.  I'm a very lucky woman.
Frank Drebin:  So am I...


# Narrow Margin (1990)

[Flying through Canadian mountains]
Deputy District Attorney:  How come we're flying so low.
Cop:  We're not low, it's the ground that's high.


# Necromania

Shirley:  You nearly made me wet my nightgown, old boy.  It's new, too.


# Night and the City (1992)

Harry Fabian:  A toast.  To all of you...  to hell with you, to all of me!


# Night of the Comet

Younger Sister:  You were born with an asshole, Doris, you don't need
  Chuck.


# No Man's Land (1987)

[The car phone in the porche rings]
Benjy Taylor:  Hello?  No, Rick is not here.  Who am I?  The guy stealing
  Rick's car...


# North by Northwest

Roger O. Thornhill:  Now you listen to me, I'm an advertising man, not a red
  herring.

Roger O. Thornhill:  I didn't realize you were an art collector.  I thought
  you only collected corpses.

Roger O. Thornhill:  The only performance that will satisfy you is when I
  play dead.
Phillip Vandamm:  Your very next role.  You'll be quite convincing, I assure
  you.

Roger O. Thornhill:  Now, what can a man do for twenty minutes with his
  clothes off?  Couldn't we have made it an hour?
Eve Kendall:  You could take a cold shower.


# Notorious (1946)

Alexander Sebastian:  I'm married to an American agent.

[Last line]
Eric Mathis:  Alex, will you come in, please.  I wish to talk to you.


# Odessa File, The

[Miller is trying to sell his editor on a story based on the diary]
Editor:  No one wants to read about Jews.
Miller:  They were GERMANS!
Editor:  They were German Jews.

# Oh, Mr Porter!

???:  Next train's gone.

Postman:  You're wasting your time.
Porter:  Well, what are you doing?
Postman:  Just watching you wasting your time.


# Oliver!

Boy:  Fagin, this sausage is moldy!
Fagin:  Shut up and drink your gin.


# On Deadly Ground

[Michael Jennings speaks about Forrest Taft]
Michael Jennings:  Search down deep in your soul and think of your worst
  nightmare...  And that won't even come close to him when he gets pissed.


# Paint Your Wagon

Ben Rumson:  There's two kinds of people, them goin' somewhere and them
  goin' nowhere.  And's that what's true.


# Palm Beach Story, The

"Weenie King":  I'm the Weenie King!  Invented the Texas Weenie!  Lay off
  'em, you'll live longer.

John D. Hackensacker III:  That's one of the greatest tragedies of this life
  -- that the men who are most in need of a beating up are always enormous.


# Paradine Case, The

Gay Keane:  Well, nice people don't go murdering other nice people.


# Pat and Mike

[Last lines]
Pat Pemberton:  What would happen if I ever dropped you?
Mike Conovan:  I'd go right down the drain.
Pat Pemberton:  And?
Mike Conovan:  I'd take you right down with me shorty.


# Patton

General George S. Patton Jr.:  Patriotism means making the other poor damned
  bastard die for his country before he can make you die for yours.


# People Under the Stairs, The

Fool:  That X-ray lady's back, she's out back right now by the van...  She's
  got a man with her the size of Detroit.

Fool:  Your father's one sick mother...  Actually your mother is one sick
  mother too.

Woman:  Never shoot your gun outside.
Man:  He got away!


# Perfect World, A

Terry Pugh on seeing the gun has no bullets:  Son of a bitch!  Hells bells -
  no shells.


# Pink Panther Strikes Again, The

Francois:  Do you know what kind of a bomb it was?
Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau:  The exploding kind.

[Suddenly the American football game is interrupted just before the end by
  Charles Dreyfus' transmission]
The President:  Call the FBI, the CIA and the Pentagon.  Find out who won
  that game!

Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau:  Does your dog bite?
Hotel Clerk:  No.
Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau bowing down to pet the dog:  Nice doggie.
[Dog barks and bites Clouseau in the hand]
Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau:  I thought you said your dog did not
  bite!
Hotel Clerk:  That is not my dog.

[Last line]
Jacques Clouseau:  Cato!  You imbesile!  Not now!


# Pink Panther, The

[Having made her tipsy with champagne, Sir Charles Lytton kisses Princess
  Dala]
Princess Dala:  If I were my father, I'd have you tortured.
Sir Charles Lytton:  No.  If you were your father, I doubt very much if I
  would have kissed you.

[At a costume ball, a police sergeant costumed as a zebra drinks from the
  punch bowl]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau:  Any more behaviour like this and I'll have your
  stripes!

[Inspector Jacques Clouseau bumps into a woman dressed as Cleopatra.  He
  hands back her rubber snake]
Woman:  Take your filthy hands off my asp!


# Pit and the Pendulum, The (1990) (V)

Francisco:  I'm sorry, mistress, that you weren't properly able to confess.
  There just wasn't enough time to torture you.
Esmeralda:  Thanks anyway.


# Planes, Trains & Automobiles

Neal Page:  Eh, look, I don't want to be rude, but I'm not much of a
  conversationalist, and I really want to finish this article, a friend of
  mine wrote it, so...
Del Griffith:  Don't let me stand in your way, please don't let me stand in
  your way.  The last thing I want to be remembered as is an annoying
  blabbremouth...  You know, nothing grinds my gears worse than some
  chauterhead that doesn't know when to keep his big tramp shut...  If you
  catch me running off with my mouth, just give me a poke on the chubbs...

[Waking up after sharing the same bed on the motel]
Neal Page:  Del...  Why did you kiss my ear?
Del Griffith:  Why are you holding my hand?
Neal Page:  Where are your other hand?
Del Griffith:  Between two pillows...
Neal Page:  Those AREN'T PILLOWS!!!

[Driving on the wrong side of the highway]
Neal Page:  He says we're going the wrong way...
Del Griffith:  Oh, he's drunk.  How would he know where we're going?

Police Officer:  What the hell are you driving here?
Del Griffith:  We had a small fire last night, but we caught it in a nick of
  time.
Police Officer:  Do you have any idea how fast you were going?
Del Griffith:  Funny enough, I was just talking to my friend about that.
  Our speedometer has melted and as a result it's very hard to see with any
  degree of accuracy exactly how fast we were going.


# Planet of the Apes

[The first words ever spoken by a human to the apes]
George Taylor:  Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!


# Player, The

Larry Levy: I'll be there right after my AA meeting.
Griffin Mill: Oh Larry, I didn't realise you had a drinking problem.
Larry Levy: Well I don't really, but that's where all the deals are being
  made these days.

Andy Civelli:  Griffin, you move in mysterious ways, but I like it!  I like
  it!


# Point Break

[Johnny Utah and Bodhi just beat the hell out of 4 surfers]
Johnny Utah:  This is stimulating, but we're out of here.

Ben Harp:  Special agent Utah!  This is not some job, flipping burgers at
  the local drive-in!  Yes! - your surfboard bothers me!  Yes! - your
  approach to this whole damn case bothers me!  And yes! - YOU BOTHER ME!
  And Pappas!  Oh, for the love of Christ.  How the hell did I even let you
  talk me into this whole bone-headed idea to begin with.
Angelo Pappas:  Harp!  We are working under-cover.  It takes time.  We've
  produced a few...
Ben Harp:  NO! No no no no no no NO!  Let me tell you what you've
  produced...  Over the last two weeks, you two have produced exactly squat!
  SQUAT!  During which time the ex-presidents have robbed two more banks.
  Now for Christ's sake, does either one of you have anything even remotely
  interesting to tell me?
Johnny Utah:  I caught my first tube today...  Sir.

[Angelo Pappas is aiming the gun at a surfer]
Angelo Pappas:  Speak into the microphone, squid brain!

Angelo Pappas:  ...last time you had a feeling I had to kill a guy, and I
  hate that...  It looks bad on my report.

[After a long discussion about which parachute Johnny Utah should use]
Johnny Utah:  You gonna jump or jerk off?

Bodhi:  Life sure has a sick sense of humor, doesn't it?


# Predator

[They've just mowed down a football field's worth of jungle shooting at the
  Predator; all they find is a few drops of glow-in-the-dark alien blood.]

Dutch:  If it bleeds, we can kill it.

Dutch:  I'll be back!


# Prick Up Your Ears

Joe Orton:  I always wanted to be an orphan.  I could have, if it wasn't for
  my parents.


# Princess Bride, The

[NOTE:  The whole script is more or less quotable.  To avoid having the
  whole script here I consider this entry full]

[The Grandson, interrupting the story in a kissing-scene]
The Grandson:  Hold it, hold it!  What is this?  Are you trying to trick me?
  Where's the sports?  Is this a kissing-book???

Vizzini:  A word, my lady.  We are but poor, lost circus performers.  Is
  there a village nearby?
Buttercup:  There is nothing nearby...  Not for miles.
Vizzini:  Then there will be no one to hear you scream!

Inigo Montoya:  That Vizzini, he can *fuss*.
Fezzik:  Fuss, fuss...  I think he like to scream at *us*.
Inigo Montoya:  Probably he means no *harm*.
Fezzik:  He's really very short on *charm*.
Inigo Montoya:  You have a great gift for rhyme.
Fezzik:  Yes, yes, some of the time.
Vizzini:  Enough of that!
Inigo Montoya:  Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?
Fezzik:  If there are, we all be dead!
Vizzini:  No more rhymes now, I mean it!
Fezzik:  Anybody want a peanut?
Vizzini:  DYEEAAHHHHHH!!

[Vizzini has just cut the rope The Dread Pirate Roberts is climbing up]
Vizzini:  HE DIDN'T FALL?  INCONCEIVABLE!
Inigo Montoya:  You keep using that word.  I do not think it means what you
  think it means.

Inigo Montoya:  I donna suppose you coulda speed things up??
Westley:  If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope or a tree branch
  or find something useful to do.
Inigo Montoya:  I could do that.  I have some rope up here, but I do not
  think you would accept my help, since I am only only waiting around to
  kill you.
Westley:  That does put a damper on our relationship.

Inigo Montoya:  I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to
  have six fingers on your right hand?
Westley:  Do you always begin conversations this way?

Inigo Montoya:  You seem a decent fellow, I hate to kill you.
Westley:  You seem a decent fellow, I hate to die.

Westley:  You are amazing.
Inigo Montoya:  Well I ought to be, after twenty years.

Inigo Montoya:  You are wonderful.
Westley:  I've worked hard to become so.

Inigo Montoya:  Who are you?
Westley:  Noone of consequence.
Inigo Montoya:  I must know...
Westley:  Get used to disappointment.
Inigo Montoya:  'kay.

Vizzini:  Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet,
  because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was
  given.  I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in
  front of you.  But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would
  have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of
  me...

Vizzini: You only think I guessed wrong -- that's what's so funny!  I
  switched glasses when your back was turned!  Ha-ha, you fool!  You fell
  victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is "Never
  get involved in a land war in Asia", but only slightly less famous is
  this:  "Never go in against a Sicilian, when *death* is on the line!".
  Hahahahahah!
[Vizzini falls over dead]

Buttercup:  You mock my pain!
Westley:  Life is pain!  Anyone who says different is trying to sell you
  something.

Buttercup:  We'll never survive!
Westley:  Nonsense!  you're only saying that because noone ever has...

Prince Humperdinck:  Surrender!
Westley:  You mean you wish to surrender to me?  Very well, I accept...

Count Rugen:  Get some rest.  If you haven't got your health, you haven't
  got anything.

Inigo Montoya:  Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the king all those
  years?
Miracle Max:  The King's stinking son fired me, and thank you so much for
  bringing up such a painful subject.  While you're at it, why don't you
  give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?  We're closed!

Miracle Max:  Get back, witch!
Valerie:  I'm not a witch, I'm your wife!  And after what you just said, I'm
  not even sure I want to be that any more!

Westley:  Give us the gate key.
Yellin:  I have no gate key.
Inigo Montoya:  Fezzik, tear his arms off.
Yellin:  Oh, you mean *this* gate key.

Inigo Montoya:  Hello.  My name is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.
  Prepare to die.

[Repeated line, including the last]
The Grandfather:  As you wish.


# Prizzi's Honor

Charley Partana:  What kind of a person wouldn't catch a baby.
Mrs. Partana:  He wasn't paid to protect the baby.


# Professionals, The

[Last lines]
J.W. Grant:  You bastard.
Rico:  Yes sir.  In my case an accident of birth.  But you...  You're a
  self-made man.


# Psycho

Norman Bates:  I think I must have one of those faces you can't help
  believing.

Norman Bates:  She just goes a little mad sometimes.  We all go a little mad
  sometimes.  Haven't you?

Norman Bates:  I'm not capable of being fooled!  Not even by a woman.

Norman Bates:  Uh-uh, Mother-m-mother, uh, what is the phrase?  She isn't
  quite herself today.

Norman Bates:  She might have fooled me, but she didn't fool my mother.

Norman Bates:  Well, a son is a poor substitute for a lover.

Norman Bates:  She's as harmless as one of those stuffed birds.

Norman Bates:  A boy's best friend is his mother.


# Pump Up the Volume

Mark Hunter:  Feeling screwed up at a screwed up time in a screwed up place
  does not necessarily make you screwed up.

Hard Harry:  Sometimes being a teenager is worse than being dead.

Marla Hunter:  We think you should see a psychiatrist.
Mark Hunter:  Is it that obvious?


# Raiders of the Lost Ark

Jock:  C'mon, show a little backbone, will ya?

Indiana Jones:  It's not the years honey, it's the mileage.

[Army Intelligence officer describing Indiana Jones]
Officer:  Professor of Archeology, expert on the occult, and how does one
  say it?  Obtainer of rare antiquities.

Indiana Jones:  You want to talk to God?  Let's go see him together, I've
  got nothing better to do!

Rene Belloq:  You and I are very much alike.  Archeology is our religion,
  yet we have both fallen from the pure faith.  Our methods have not
  differed as much as you pretend.  I am but a shadowy reflection of you.
  It would take only a nudge to make you like me.  To push you out of the
  light.
Indiana Jones:  Now you're getting nasty.

Sallah:  Indy, why does the floor move?
Indiana Jones:  Snakes ... why did it hafta be snakes?
Sallah:  Asps ... very dangerous.  You go first.

Indiana Jones:  This site also demonstrates one of the great dangers of
  archeology, not to life and limb, although that does sometimes take place,
  I'm talking about folklore.


# Rambling Rose

Rose:  I am only a human being person!

Daddy:  Put your damn tit back in your dress ... replace that tit!


# Raw Deal (1986)

Kaminski:  You should not drink and bake!


# Re-Animator

Herbert West:  Who's going to believe a talking head?  Get a job in a
  sideshow.

[Visiting the morgue]
Dan Cain:  What if we get caught?
Herbert West:  What'll they do?  Embalm us?

[Re-re-animating the dead cat in the basement]
Herbert West:  Don't expect it to tango; it has a broken back.

Herbert West:  I must say, Dr. Hill, I'm VERY disappointed in you.  You
  steal the secret of life and death, and here you are trysting with a
  bubble-headed coed.  You're not even a second-rate scientist!


# Real Genius

Old Lady:  Tell me, what's Einstein really like?
Professor Hathaway:  Dead.

Chris Knight:  This?  This is ice.  This is what happens to water when it
  gets too cold.  This?  This is Kent.  This is what happens to people when
  they get too sexually frustrated.

[Mitch Taylor speaking through the microphone so that Kent hears voices in
  his head]
Mitch Taylor:  And from now on, stop playing with yourself!
Kent:  It is God!

Mitch Taylor:  The weirdest thing just happened to me.
Chris Knight:  Was it a dream where you were standing in sort of sun-god
  robes on top of a pyramid, and there were hundreds of naked women
  screaming and throwing little pickles at you?
Mitch Taylor:  No...
Chris Knight:  Why, am I the only one who has that dream?

Chris Knight:  If you think that by threatening me you can get me to do what
  you want...  Well, that's where you're right.  But -- and I am only saying
  that because I care -- there's a lot of decaffeinated brands on the market
  that are just as tasty as the real thing.

Chris Knight:  Would you be prepared if gravity reversed itself?

Professor Hathaway:  What are you looking at?  You're laborers; you should
  be laboring.  That's what you get for not having an education.

Professor Hathaway:  Mitch, will you miss your friends?
Mitch Taylor:  Uh, no sir, I think I intimidated most of them.

[Chris Knight is trying to hit on Cynthia, a beautiful woman he finds in
  Professor Hathaway's house]
Chris Knight:  So, if there's anything I can do for you, or, more to the
  point, to you, you just let me know.
Cynthia:  Can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis?
Chris Knight:  Not right now.
Cynthia:  A girl's gotta have her standards.
[She walks out]

Kent:  You're all a bunch of degenerates!
Chris Knight:  Oh, really?  Well, what about that time I found you naked
  with that bowl of jello?
Kent:  You did not!
Chris Knight:  This is true.
Kent:  Yeah, well I was hot and I was hungry!

Mitch Taylor:  Did you know there's a guy living in our closet?
Chris Knight:  You've seen him too?
Mitch Taylor:  Who is he?
Chris Knight:  Hollyfeld.
Mitch Taylor:  Why does he keep going into our closet?
Chris Knight:  Why do you keep going into our closet?
Mitch Taylor:  To get my clothes - but that's not why he goes in there!
Chris Knight:  Of course not, he's twice your size - your clothes would
  never fit him!
Mitch Taylor:  Yeah...
Chris Knight:  Think before you ask these questions, Mitch!  Twenty points
  higher than me?  Thinks a big guy like that can wear his clothes?

Chris Knight:  Self-realization.  I was thinking of the immortal words of
  Socrates, when he said, "I drank what?"

# Real McCoy, The

[J.T. Barker comes out of the bank and is questioned what he was doing in
  there.  He said he was closing up his account]
Bad Guy:  What the hell are you gonna do with a 152 dollars?  We're taking
  18 God damn million dollars out of here on thursday!
J.T. Barker:  I know that.  I just don't wanna split *my* 152 dollars 4
  ways...

[Karen McCoy tries to fire the gun in a gunfight]
Karen McCoy:  You didn't load the gun?
J.T. Barker:  You told me to buy it, not to load it.

J.T. Barker:  Do you think that jerk Roy do a better job raising your boy
  than you?
Karen McCoy:  At least Roy is his father.  At least he has a chance of a
  normal life with him...
J.T. Barker:  Normal???  What's not normal about getting on an airplane with
  your mam and go down to Rio with 3 million bucks?

J.T. Barker:  How many of these creeps have you got in your life?


# Reality Bites

Lelaina Pierce:  So, uh, what religion are you?
Michael Grates:  I'm kind of a non-practicing Jew.
Lelaina Pierce:  That's okay. I'm a non-practicing virgin.

Vickie Miner:  And I think about dying of AIDS all the time. I even dream
  about it.  Only in my dreams, I'm not me:  I'm a character on "Melrose
  Place".  I'm the HIV/AIDS character.  I move into the building and teach
  everyone that it's okay to be close to me.  And then I die, and everyone
  shows up at my funeral, and they're all wearing halter tops and chokers.
[Vickie Miner starts to cry]
Lelaina Pierce:  Vicki, you do not have AIDS and you are *not* alone.
  Besides...  "Melrose Place" is a really good show!


# Rear Window

Stella:  A murderer would never parade his crime in front of an open
  window.


# Rebecca

Maxim De Winter:  I knew where Rebecca's body was, lying on that cabin floor
  at the bottom of the sea.
Mrs. de Winter:  How did you know, Max?
Maxim De Winter:  Because I put it there.


# Remains of the Day, The

James Stevens:  I don't believe a man can consider himself fully content
  until he has done all he can to be of service to his employer.


# Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins...

Chiun:  Watches are a confidence trick invented by the Swiss.

Chiun:  It would be better for you to eat this can than what's in it.

Remo Williams:  There are times when I really like you.
Chiun:  'Course!  I am Chiun!
Remo Williams:  ... and there are times when I want to kill you.
Chiun:  Good!  We will practice that after dinner...

Remo Williams:  You know, Chiun, you can be a real pain in the ass!
Chiun:  That is because it is the shortest route to your brain.


# Repo Man

Bud:  A repo man spends his life getting into tense situations.

Miller:  The life of a repo man is always intense.

Bud:  Normal fucking people -- I hate 'em!


# Reservoir Dogs

[Mr. White and Mr. Pink are washing up after the robbery went sour, trying
  to figure out what happened]
Mr. Pink:  You kill anybody?
Mr. White:  Couple of cops.
Mr. Pink:  No real people?
Mr. White:  Just cops.

Mr. Blonde:  Gee, that was really exciting.  I bet you're a big Lee Marvin
  fan, aren't you?


# Return of Swamp Thing, The

Swamp Thing:  Me?  Your Boyfriend?
Abby Arcane:  Why not?
Swamp Thing:  You said it yourself:  I'm a plant.
Abby Arcane:  That's ok, I'm a vegetarian.


# Return of the Jedi

Han Solo:  I think my eyes are getting better.  Instead of a big dark blur
  it's a big light blur.
Luke Skywalker:  There's nothing to see.  I used to live here you know.
Han Solo:  You gonna die here you know.  Convenient!

C3PO:  I do believe they think I am some kind of god.
Han Solo:  Well, why don't you use your divine influence and get us out of
  this?
C3PO:  I beg your pardon General Solo, but that just wouldn't be proper.
Han Solo:  Proper???
C3PO:  It's against my programming to impersonate a deity.


# Revenge of the Nerds

Lewis Scholnic:  Cause all jocks ever think about is sports, all we ever
  think about is sex.


# Revenge of the Pink Panther

[Philippe Douvier just set up a trap for Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau
  and "invited" him to it with a phone call]
Simone Le Gree:  That's so obvious, he's bound to think it's a trap...
Philippe Douvier:  Yes, or it's so obvious that he's bound to think it can't
  be a trap.
Cato:  It's so obvious, it's bound to be a trap.
Jacques Clouseau:  That is why you'll never be a great detective, Cato.
  It's so obvious that it could not possibly be a trap.

Jacques Clouseau:  Now, this time *I'm* going to stand on *your* shoulders!
Cato:  What good will that do?
Jacques Clouseau:  Because I'm taller than you are, you fool!


# Ride the High Country

Steve Judd:  All I want is to enter my house justified.


# Rising Sun

Web Smith:  Where are you from, "sempai"?  Scotland Yard?
John Connor:  Scotland Backyard.


# Risky Business (1983)

[Joel Goodson's parents are away for the weekend]
Miles:  Joel, you wanta know something?  Every now and then say: "What the
  fuck!".  "What the fuck!" gives you freedom.  Freedom brings opportunity.
  Opportunity makes your future.

Miles:  If you can't say it, you can't do it.

[Lana is the prostitute Joel has hired using an alias]
Lana:  Are you ready for me ... Ralph?

Joel Goodman:  I deal in human fulfillment.  I grossed over $8000 in one
  night.  Time of your life eh kid?

Joel's Mother:  Please Joel, do what they say, just get off the
  baby-sitter.


# Robin and Marian

[Robin Hood comes back from the Crusades]
Maid Marian:  You never wrote.
Robin Hood:  I don't know how.


# Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Azeem:  The hospitality in this country is as warm as the weather.

Sheriff of Nottingham:  Locksley, I'm gonna cut your heart out with a
  spoon.

Sheriff of Nottingham:  ...cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers and orphans,
  no more merciful beheadings...  And call off Christmas.

Sheriff of Nottingham to a wench:  You!  My room.  10:30 tonight.
Sheriff of Nottingham to another wench:  You!  10:45...  And bring a
  friend.

[Talking about how many men that are about to be ambushed]
Robin of Locksley:  How many?
Azeem:  20.
Robin of Locksley:  20?
Bull further away:  How many?
Robin of Locksley:  5!
Robin of Locksley to Azeem:  He can't count anyway.

Friar Tuck:  This is grain, which any fool can eat, but for which the Lord
  intended a more divine means of consumption.  Let us give praise to our
  maker and glory to his bounty by learning about...  BEER!

Mortianna:  ...recruit the beasts that share our god.
Sheriff of Nottingham:  Animals?
Mortianna:  From the North!
Sheriff of Nottingham:  You mean..  CELTS!  They drink the blood of their
  dead.
Mortianna:  Yolk their strength.
Sheriff of Nottingham:  Hired thugs...  Ahh brilliant.


# Rocky (1976)

Adrian:  Why do you wanta fight?
Rocky Balboa:  Because I can't sing or dance.


# Rocky Horror Picture Show, The

Doctor Frank-N-Furter:  How do you do?  I see you've met my faithful
  handyman.


# Rope

Brandon:  The good Americans usually die young on the battlefield, don't
  they?  Well, the Davids of the world merely occupy space, which is why he
  was the perfect victim for the perfect crime.

Brandon:  We killed for the sake of danger and for the sake of killing.

Brandon:  Nobody commits murder just for the experience of committing it.
  Nobody except us.


# Roxanne

[Roxanne Kowalski is walking behind a hedge because she is nude]
Roxanne Kowalski:  Nobody had a coat?
C.D. Bayles:  You said you didn't want a coat...
Roxanne Kowalski:  Why would I not want a coat?
C.D. Bayles:  You said you didn't want a coat...
Roxanne Kowalski:  I was being ironic.
C.D. Bayles:  Oh, ironi!  Oh no no, we don't get that here.  See, people are
  skiing topless while smoking dope, so ironi is not really a high
  priority...  We haven't had any ironi here since about 83 when I was the
  only practicioner of it.  Was nice, but I was tired of being stared at.

C.D. Bayles:  Well, every job has its perfect tool...  Eh, this lock doesn't
  accept Master Card.

C.D. Bayles:  Fashionable:  You know you could de-emphasize your nose if you
  wore something larger...  like Wyoming!

C.D. Bayles:  Polite:  Would you mind not bobbing your head; the orchestra
  keeps changing the tempo.

Dixie:  Want anything?  A drink?
C.D. Bayles:  Yeah, but if I ask for another one, give it to me.


# Running Man, The (1987)

Ben Richards:  I'm not into politics.  I'm into survival.

[Damon Killian is talking to the operator on the telephone]
Damon Killian:  Hello, this is Killian.  Give me the Justice Department,
  Entertainment Division.

Ben Richards:  Now I'm gonna untie you, and then you're gonna get dressed,
  and then you're gonna come with me.
Amber:  Oh yeah?  But why should I?
Ben Richards:  Because I'm gonna say "please"...
[Arnold tears up the bench Amber is tied to from the floor it was bolted
  to]
Amber:  Well, why didn't you say so?

Ben Richards:  Killian!  I'll be back!
Damon Killian:  Only in a rerun.

Damon Killian:  You bastard!  Drop dead!
Ben Richards:  I don't do requests.


# S.O.B.

Miles, Sally:  I am going to show my boobies.  Are you here to see my
  boobies?


# Saint of Fort Washington, The

(Danny Glover):  Maybe you ain't schizofrenic.  Maybe you're just insane.


# Scent of a Woman (1992)

Colonel Roy Slade:  Don't shrug you imbecile, I'm blind!  Save the body
  language for the bimbae.


# School for Scoundrels

[last line. Mr S. Potter to the camera]
Mr S. Potter:  I do apologize ladies and gentlemen, events do seem to have
  taken a most unfortunate turn.  This sort of calamity we cannot always
  guard against, even amongst our best students.  You see once, once
  sincerity rears its ugly head, well lifemanship is powerless... [an
  orchestra starts to play] stop that music...  orchestra!...  orchestra...
  stop that infernal din.  Please, no, I...  look at me, I must get back to
  Yeovil.


# Scrooged

Frank "Lumpy" Cross:  I cant get these antlers attached to the mice.
Props man:  Try staples.


# Shadow of a Doubt (1993)

Charlie Oakley:  The whole world is a joke to me.


# Shining, The

Jack Torrance:  Wendy, darling light of my life, I'm not going to hurt you.
  I'm gonna kill you.


# Shopping

Billy:  I know my rights. I watch L.A.Law.
Police Inspector:  Is that supposed to be funny?
Billy:  No, more like comedy-drama.

Billy to Jo:  Oh shit, the police brought a f***ing transit van to a car
  chase.

Billy to Jo:  This is the 90s. Sex isn't safe any more.


# Shot in the Dark, A

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:  Facts, Hercule, ... facts!  Nothing matters but
  the facts.  Without them the science of criminal investigation is nothing
  more than a guessing game.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:  You are forgetting the most important fact ...
  motive.

Hercule LaJoy:  He beat her.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau:  He was Spanish!
Hercule LaJoy:  He tore her dress off.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau:  Oh, don't be ridiculous ....  Would you kill
  someone who tore your dress off?

Maria Gambrelli:  Tell me ... why do so many men smoke afterwards?  No
  wonder tobacco companies get rich.

[Accusing a suspect, millionaire Benjamin Ballon]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau:  And I submit, Inspector Ballon, that you
  arrived home, found Miguel with Maria Gambrelli, and killed him in a writ
  of fealous jage!

Commissioner Charles Dreyfus:  Give me ten men like Clouseau and I could
  destroy the world.

[Arriving at Camp Sunshine]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau:  I am here on official business and I am looking
  for someone in the recreation area.
{@Turk Thrust: Not unless you take off your clothes ...
Inspector Jacques Clouseau:  You, sir, are under arrest.
{@Turk Thrust:  Arrest?  What for?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau:  For making lewd and suggestive remarks to an
  official of the French government.
{@Turk Thrust:  Lewd and suggestive remarks?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau:  Also for indecent exposure ... doesn't anyone
  wear any clothes around here?
{@Turk Thrust:  No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau:  What!
{@Turk Thrust:  This is a nudist colony.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:  There is something ... personal ... in this?
Commissioner Charles Dreyfus:  Yes ... deeply personal ... I hate you ...
  every little bit of you ....  Now get out!
Inspector Jacques Clouseau:  You want me to leave?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau:  Well ... that just goes to prove what I have
  said all along.
Commissioner Charles Dreyfus:  What you've said, Clouseau, qualifies you as
  the greatest prophet since Custer said he was going to surround all those
  Indians!

Commissioner Charles Dreyfus:  What about the maid?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau:  The maid?
Commissioner Charles Dreyfus:  Was he jealous of her too?  He strangled
  her.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau:  It is possible that his intended victim was a
  man and that he made a mistake.
Commissioner Charles Dreyfus:  Mistake?  ... in a nudist camp?


# Silence of the Lambs, The

Dr. Hannibal Lector:  A census taker once tried to test me...  I ate his
  liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

Dr. Hannibal Lector:  I do wish we could chat longer, but I'm having an old
  friend for dinner.


# Sixteen Candles

Long Duk Dong:  No more yankie my wankie.  The Donger need food.

Geek:  Can I borrow your underpants for 10 minutes?

Grandmother:  And they are so perky.
Samantha:  I can't believe my grandmother actually felt me up.


# Sleeper

[A 22nd century historian is showing Miles some artifacts from the late
  twentieth century to get more info on them.  The last item is a videotape
  of Howard Cosell describing a boxing match]
Historian:  We weren't sure at first what to make of this, but we developed
  a theory:  When people committed great crimes against the state, they were
  forced to watch this.
Miles Monroe:  Yes.  That's exactly what it was.


# Sleepless in Seattle

Jonah Baldwin:  Talk to her dad.  She's a doctor.
Samuel Baldwin:  Of what?  Her first name could be Doctor...

[The Taxi Driver takes Jonah to the Empire State Building]
Taxi Driver:  There it is.  What are you gonna do when you get up there?
  Spit off the top?


# So I Married an Axe Murderer

Charlie Mackenzie:  I think I'm dating Mrs. X!

Harriet Michaels:  What do you look for in a girl on your date?
Charlie Mackenzie:  I know everyone always say a sense of humour, but I
  really have to go with breast size...

Charlie Mackenzie:  Didn't i order the LARGE capuchino?

Stuart Mackenzie:  Would ya look at the size of that kid's head!!!  It's the
  size of a planetoid and it has it's own weather system!!!  Look's like an
  orange on a toothpick!!!

Stuart Mackenzie:  I think I've been a bit hard on the lad, he's going to
  cry himself to bed tonight, on his HUGE pillow.

Stuart Mackenzie:  Let's get Pissed!!!

May Mackenzie:  You're a wee sexy little bastard, aren't ya!!!


# Some Girls

[After the telephone interrupts Michael and Gabriella's foreplay, Michael
  starts talking to his penis]
Michael:  I don't believe this.  Do you believe this?


# Some Kind of Wonderful

Keith Nelson:  You can't judge a book by its cover.
Watts:  Yeah, but you can tell how much it's gonna cost.

[In the lockerroom]
Girl:  I've just never seen a girl wearing boys underpants before.
Watts:  Have you ever seen a girl with a drumstick shoved up her nose?
Girl:  Oh, is that some kind of a threat?
Watts:  It's some kind of a warning.

Keith Nelson:  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry I was so hard on you.
Watts:  Me too.
Keith Nellson:  You always hurt the ones you love.
Watts:  So when are you beating the shit out of Amanda Jones?


# Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama

Spider:  It's too bad we had to kill her.  I really liked the outfit she had
  on.


# Soul Man

Mark Watson:  Mom!  Dad!  There's something I got to tell you...  I'm
  black.


# Spaceballs

Dark Helmet:  I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short
  honeymoon.

Barf:  I know we need the money, but...
Lone Star:  Listen!  We're not just doing this for money...  We're doing it
  for a SHIT LOAD of money!
Barf:  Oh, you're right.  And when you're right, you're right.  And you -
  you're always right.

Dark Helmet:  What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz?  CHICKEN???

[Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet and the Video Operator are watching
  _Spaceballs_ (qv), the movie]
Colonel Sandurz:  That's too early.  Prepare to fast-forward!
Video Operator:  Preparing to fast-forward!
Colonel Sandurz:  Fast-forward!
Video Operator:  Fast-forwarding, Sir!

Lone Star:  What the hell was that noise?
Dot Matrix:  That was my virgin-alarm.  It's programmed to go off before you
  do!

President Skroob:  Why didn't anyone tell me my ass was so big???

[After the self-destruction mechanism has been activated]
President Skroob:  Sandurz, Sandurz.  You got to help me.  I don't know what
  to do.  I can't make decisions.  I'm a president!

[When Lone Star and Barf stops on the outer space gas-station]
Waitress:  Ready to order?
Woman in Diner:  Yeah, we'll both have the lunafish.

[See _Alien (1979)_ (qv)]
Kane:  Oh no.  Not again!

Yogurt:  And may the schwartz be with you!


# Spellbound

Dr. Alex Brulov:  Women make the best psychoanalysts until they fall in
  love.  After that they make the best patients.


# Spies Like Us

[Emmett Fritz-Hume and Austin Millbarge are surrounded by Ninja warriors]
Austin Millbarge:  Show some balls, man!
Emmett Fritz-Hume:  I think it's too late to try and impress them.


# Splitting Heirs

Tommy Patel:  You don't have to worry about me, dear.  I'm "bi"-sexual.
  Whenever I want to have sex, I have to buy it.

Brittle:  Congratulations, Sir.
Henry Martin:  Eh, you can kiss ass later, Brittle.
Brittle:  Thank you, Sir.

Butler:  Drunk again, sir?
Henry Martin:  That's okay, butler.  So are we.

Adoption Agent:  She insisted that you were adopted by a member of the
  working class to save you from the curse of money.
Tommy Patel:  How very thoughtful...

Duchess Lucinda:  "Stop"?  You can't just arouse a woman and then yell
  "stop", even if you are English...

Police Officer:  We believe foul play was involved.
Tommy Patel:  Surely you don't think I...
Police Officer:  I don't think anything, sir.  I'm a police officer.

[After the moose-head falls down from the wall over Henry Martin]
Henry Martin:  Get me out of this moose!

Shadgrind:  So many of you orphans.  Unwanted children all over the place.
  People were sex-mad in the 60s, seemed to do it just for fun...  Weird.

Kitty:  That's Henry's mother, the black sheep in the family.  She took so
  many strokes in the 60s they called her the U.S. open.


# Stage Fright (1950)

Charlotte Inwood:  He was an abominable man.  Why do women marry abominable
  men?


# Stakeout

[Reading the police profile on Maria McGuire]
Bill Reimers:  And, the moment we've all been waiting for... 300 pounds.
Chris Lecce:  Three hundred pounds??!?
Bill Reimers:  I would imagine that's fully clothed.
Chris Lecce:  Oh my God, she could be the house! I hate this job!

[After watching the svelte Maria McGuire undress]
Bill Reimers:  To protect and to serve.
Chris Lecce:  Ooo, I love my job, I love it so much!
Bill Reimers:  But I would appreciate it if you would not act like a walking
  hard-on while we're on the job.
Chris Lecce:  Succinctly put.


# Stand by Me

Vern Tessio:  One food for the rest of my life?  That's easy.  Cherry pez.
  Cherry-flavored pez.  There's no doubt about it.

Vern Tessio:  Mighty Mouse versus Superman?  That's a tough one.


# Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

Captain James Tiberius Kirk:  As we say back on Earth; c'est la vie...


# Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

She:  So you're from outer space...
Captain James Tiberius Kirk:  No, I'm from Iowa.  I only work in outer
  space.


# Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country

Spock:  Mr. Scott, I understand you are experiencing difficulties with the
  warp engines?
Scott:  There's nothing wrong with the bloody
Spock:  Mr. Scott, if the Enterprise responds to hails and returns to
  Starbase, there is a good chance that we will never see Captain Kirk or
  Doctor McCoy alive again.
Scott:  Could take weeks, sir...


# Star Wars

Princess Leia:  Help me Obi-wan Kenobi.  You're my only hope.

Han Solo:  You've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
Luke Skywalker:  What a piece of junk!

Darth Vader:  I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Darth Vader:  Don't be so proud of this technological terror you've
  constructed.  The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the
  power of the force.

C3PO:  Oh listen to them R2.  They're dying.  Oh curse this metal body!  I
  wasn't fast enough.

Darth Vader:  I sense something.  A presence I haven't felt since...

Obi-wan Kenobi:  You must learn the ways of the force if you're to come with
  me to Alderaan.

C3PO:  Don't call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight glob of grease!

C3PO:  We're doomed!

Han Solo:  Wonderful girl!  Either I'm going to kill her or I'm beginning to
  like her.

Obi-wan:  Who's the more foolish?  The fool or the fool who follows him?

Han Solo:  Travelling through hyperspace ain't like dusting crops, boy.

Leia:  Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?

Han Solo:  Get in there you big furry oaf!  I don't care what you smell!

Han:  This isn't going to work.
Luke:  Why didn't you say so before?
Han:  I did say so before!

Darth Vader:  The Force is strong with this one.

Darth Vader:  Commander, tear this ship appart until you've found those
  plans.  And bring me the passengers, I want them alive!

Princess Leia:  Darth Vader, only you could be so bold.

Luke Skywalker:  But who would wanna slotter Jawas?

Han Solo:  Over my dead body!
Greedo:  That's the idea.  I've been looking forward to this for a long
  time.
Han Solo shoots Greedo under the table:  Yes, I BET you have.

[R2D2 and Chewbacca are playing the holographic game on Millennium Falcon]
Chewbacca:  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrgh
C3PO:  He made a fair move.  Screaming about it can't help it.
Han Solo:  Give it to him.  It's not wise to upset a wookie.
C3PO:  But Sir, nobody worries about upsetting a droid.
Han Solo:  That's because droids don't pull peoples arms out of their
  sockets if they lose.  Wookies are known to do that.
C3PO:  I see your point, Sir.  I suggest a new strategy, R2...  Let the
  wookie win.

Han Solo:  Not a bad bit of rescuing.  You know, sometimes I amaze even
  myself.
Princess Leia Organa:  That doesn't seem too hard.

Ben (Obi-Wan) Kenobi:  May the force be with you!


# Strangers on a Train

[First Line]
Bruno Anthony:  I beg your pardon, but aren't you Guy Haines?

Bruno Anthony:  Don't worry, I'm not going to shoot you, Mr. Haines.  It
  might disturb mother.

Bruno Anthony:  I have a theory that you should do everything before you
  die.

Guy Haines:  I may be old-fashioned, but I thought murder was against the
  law.

Bruno Anthony:  Everyone has somebody that they want to put out of the way.
  Oh now, surely Madam, you're not going to tell me that there hasn't been a
  time that you didn't want to dispose of someone.  Your husband, for
  instance.


# Stripes

General Barnicke:  Where is your drill sergeant, men?
John Winger:  Blown up sir.

John Winger:  It's not the speed that's important, I just wish I hadn't
  drunk all that cough syrup this morning.


# Sullivan's Travels

The Girl:  I liked you better as a bum.
John Lloyd Sullivan:  I can't help what kind of people you like.

John Lloyd Sullivan:  There's a lot to be said for making people laugh.  Did
  you know that that's all some people have?


# Sunset Boulevard

Norma Desmond:  We didn't need dialogue.  We had *faces*.


# Survivors, The

Donald Quinelle:  What kind of man gives cigarettes to trees.


# Suspicion (1941)

[First line]
Johnnie Aysgarth:  Oh, I beg your pardon.  Was that your leg?  I had no idea
  we were going into a tunnel.  I thought the compartment was empty.

Johnnie Aysgarth:  If you're going to kill someone, do it simply.

Isobel Sedbusk:  I always think of my murderers as my heroes.


# Taxi Driver

Travis Bickle:  You talkin' to me?


# Ten Commandments, The (1956)

Nefertiti:  Oh Moses, Moses, you adorable, stubborn fool!


# Tequila Sunrise

Carlos:  Don't worry, buddy.  I won't kill her unless you approve.
McKussic:  And if I don't approve?
Carlos:  Then we'll talk until you do...


# Terminator 2: Judgment Day

The Terminator:  I need your clothes, boots and your motorcycle!
Cigar Biker:  You forgot to say please...

Dr. Silberman:  I'm sure it feels very real to you.
Sarah Connor:  On August 29th 1997 it's gonna feel pretty fucking real to
  you too.  Anybody not wearing 2 million sunblock is gonna have a real bad
  day...  Get it?

John Connor to The Terminator:  Now don't take this the wrong way, but
  you're a terminator, right?

John Connor:  You're not here to kill me - I figured out that for myself.
  So what's the deal?
Terminator:  My mission is to protect you.
John Connor:  Yeah?  Who sent you?
Terminator:  You did.  35 years from now you reprogrammed me to be your
  protector here - in this time.
John Connor:  This is deep...

[John connor is by a telephone booth, wanting to call home]
John Connor to Terminator:  You got a quarter?

John Connor:  Did you call *moi* a dipshit?

[Lewis, the Guard buys a cup of coffee, just before he is introduced to the
  T-1000 (As Lewis)]
Lewis, the Guard:  Hey, I got a full house!
Gwen:  That's good Lewis.
Lewis, the Guard:  Must be my lucky day...

[Terminator have promised not to kill anybody, but to get into the hospital
  he shoots the guard in his feet]
Terminator:  He'll live.

Dr. Silbermann:  You broke my arm!
Sarah Connor:  There's 215 bones in the human body.  That's one.

[Just like in _The Terminator_ (qv)]
The Terminator:  Come with me if you want to live!

Sarah Connor to The Terminator:  So, what's your story?

The Terminator:  Stay here, I'll be back!

T-1000:  Say...  That's a nice bike...

The Terminator:  Hasta la vista, baby!



# Terminator, The

Nat to The Terminator:  Wow!  Don't make me bust you up, man!

[Also in _Terminator 2: Judgment Day_ (qv)]
Kyle Reese:  Come with me if you want to live!

Kyle Reese:  Cyborgs don't feel pain...  I do.  Don't do that again.

Dr. Silbermann:  How are you supposed to get back?
Kyle Reese:  I can't.  Nobody gets home.  Nobody else comes through.  It's
  just him - and me.

The Terminator:  I'll be back!

[The Terminator is choosing from a list of programmed responses to get rid
  of someone knocking on his door]
Terminator:  Fuck you, asshole.


# Terror of Mechagodzilla

She:  Please kill me...  Mecha-Godzilla's brain is installed in my stomach.
He:  You may be a cyborg, but I still love you...


# Thelma & Louise

J.D. Tech:  You got an amazing story to tell your friends, if not you got a
  tag on your toe.

J.D. Tech:  Well now, I've always believed if done properly, armed robbery
  doesn't have to be a totally unpleasant experience.

Louise Sawyer:  You get what you settle for.


# They Came from Within

Forsythe:  He tells me that even old flesh is erotic flesh, that disease is
  the love of two alien kinds of creatures for each other, that even dying
  is an act of eroticism.


# They Died with Their Boots On

George Armstrong Custer:  We ride ... to hell.  Or to glory.  It depends on
  your point of view.


# They Live

Nada:  I'm here to chew bubble gum and kick ass, and I'm all out of bubble
  gum.


# Thing From Another World, The

[Last line]
Reporter:  Watch the skies!  Keep watching the skies!


# Thing, The (1982)

Clark:  I dunno what the hell's in there, but it's big and pissed off
  whatever it is.

[Last line]
MacReady:  Why don't we just wait here for a while ... see what happens.


# Third Man, The

Harry Lime:  In Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare,
  terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da
  Vinci, and the Renaissance.  In Switzerland they had brotherly love --
  they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce?  The
  cuckoo clock.


# This Is Spinal Tap

David St. Hubbins:  I'd probably feel a lot worse if I wasn't under such
  heavy sedation.

David St. Hubbins:  Dozens of people spontaneously combust each year - it's
  just not widely reported.

[Nigel Tufnel is proudly showing off his speakers]
Nigel Tufnel:  These go to 11.

Marty DiBergi:  Is it any louder?
Nigel Tufnel:  Well, its one louder isn't it?  Its not ten.

[Nigel Tufnel is showing Marty DiBergi one of his favorite guitars]
Nigel Tufnel:  The sustain, listen to it.
Marty DiBergi:  I don't hear anything.
Nigel Tufnel:  Well you would though, if it were playing.


# Three Amigos!

[Dusty Bottoms and Lucky Day thinks Ned Nederlander is saying "mail" plane]
Dusty Bottoms:  What is it doing here?
Ned Nederlander:  I think it's a male plane.
Dusty Bottoms:  How can you tell?
Ned Nederlander:  Didn't you notice it's little balls?


# To Catch a Thief

Frances Stevens:  I've never caught a jewel thief before.  It's very
  stimulating.

John Robie:  You don't have to spend every day of your life proving your
  honesty, but I do.

[Last line]
Frances Stevens:  So this is where you live?  Oh, Mother will love it up
  here!


# Tombstone

[Doc Holliday is drunkenly playing a somber piece on the saloon piano, and a
  drunken Cowboy is harassing him to play something by Stephen Foster]
Cowboy:  Stephen Foster.  "Oh, Susannah", "Camptown Races".  Stephen
  stinking Foster.
Doc Holliday:  Ah, yes.  Well, this happens to be a nocturne.
Cowboy:  A which?
Doc Holliday:  You know, Frederic fucking Chopin.

Cowboy:  Why, it's the drunk piano player.  You're so drunk, you can't hit
  nothin'.  In fact, you're probably seeing double.
[Cowboy draws a knife, and Doc Holliday takes out a second gun]
Doc Holliday:  I have two guns, one for each of ya.

Doc Holliday:  It seems poker's just not your game, Ike.  I know...  Let's
  have a spelling contest!  [cracks up laughing]

Wyatt Earp:  Are you gonna do something, or just stand there and bleed?

Wyatt Earp:  You tell him I'm coming!  And hell's coming with me!

Doc Holliday to Johnny Ringo:  Why Johnny Ringo, you look like someone just
  walked over your grave.

John Ringo:  I want your blood.  And I want your soul.  And I want them both
  right now!

Doc Holliday:  I'm your huckleberry.

[Wyatt Earp has just found out that the devil in a play was performed by a
  woman]
Wyatt Earp:  Well, I'll be damned.
Doc Holliday:  You may indeed, if you get lucky.

Doc Holliday:  I have not yet begun to defile myself.

Doc Holliday:  It's true, you are a good woman.  Then again, you may be the
  antichrist.


# Tootsie

[Michael Dorsey as Dorothy Michaels]
Dorothy Michaels:  What kind of mother would I be if I didn't give my girls
  tits ... tips?


# Top Gun (1986)

Maverick:  She's lost that loving feeling.
Goose:  No, no she hasn't.
Maverick:  Oh, yes she has.
Goose:  I hate it when she does that.


# Top Secret! (1984)

German Officer on the telephone:  ...well, let me know if his condition
  improves.
German Officer to the people in the room:  ...he's dead.


# Total Recall

Douglas Quaid:  I'll be back!


# Treasure of the Sierra Madre, The

[This is the origination of this quote]
Gold Hat:  Badges?  We ain't got no badges.  We don't need no badges.  I
  don't have to show you any stinking badges.


# Tremors

Valentine McKee:  You see, we plan ahead, that way we don't do anything
  right now.

Earl Bass:  Damn it Valentine, you never plan ahead, you never take the long
  view, I mean here it is Monday and I'm already thinking of Wednesday....
  It is Monday right?

[Earl Bass and Valentine McKee are about to meet Rhonda LeBeck.  Valentine
  McKee pictures her]
Valentine McKee:  You will have; long blonde hair, big green eyes, world
  class breasts, ass that won't quit and legs that go all the way up.

[Earl Bass and Valentine McKee have just been chased by a 30 feet long
  monster]
Rhonda LeBeck:  Did you notice anything weird a minute ago?

Valentine McKee:  This valley is just one long smorgasbord.

Earl Bass:  Damn it and listen to me, I'm older and I'm wiser.
Valentine McKee:  Yeah, well you're half right.

[Burt Gummer looks at the monster fought off with his "toys"]
Burt Gummer:  Guess you broke into the wrong God damn rec room, didn't ya!

[Burt Gummer looks at his bomb shelter for perhaps the last time]
Burt Gummer:  Food for five years, a thousand gallons of gas, air
  filtration, water filtration, geiger counter.  Bomb shelter!
  Underground...  God damn monsters.


# Trouble with Harry, The

[Upon finding the Captain dragging a body along the ground]
Miss Graveley:  What seems to be the trouble, Captain?

[The Captain and Miss Graveley have afternoon tea together]
Captain:  A real handsome man's cup.
Miss Graveley:  It's been in the family for years.  My father always used it
  ... until he died.
Captain:  I trust he died peacefully.  Slipped away in the night?
Miss Graveley:  He was caught in a threshing machine.

[Referring to Harry Worp]
Jennifer Rogers:  He looked exactly the same when he was alive, only he was
  vertical.

Captain:  Marriage is a good way to spend the winter.


# True Lies

Mrs. Tasker:  Have you ever killed anyone?
Harry Tasker:  Yeah, but they were all bad.

[While launching a Harrier missile, from which Salim Abu Aziz is hanging]
Harry Tasker:  You're fired!

Harry Tasker:  There *is* no us, you psychotic bitch!

Gib:  Women.  Can't live with 'em.  Can't kill 'em!


# True Romance

Clarence Worley:  Something this last week has taught me; it's better to
  have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it.

Clifford Worley:  Who are you?
Vincenzo Coccotti:  I'm the Anti-Christ.  You get me in a vendetta kind of
  mood, you will tell the angels in heaven that you had never seen evil so
  singularly personified as you did in the face of the man who killed you.
  My name is Vincenzo Coccotti.

[Don Vincenzo is complaining about how lousy Clifford Worley is to lie]
Vincenzo Coccotti:  Now, what we have got here is a little game of show and
  tell, and you don't wanna show me nothing and tell me everything.


# Turner & Hooch

Amos Reed:  Let him go, Hooch!  I'm sorry, Scott.  I don't have the
  hand-strength I used to.  You're OK, aren't you?
Scott Turner:  Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.  I was looking forward to a nice quiet
  cup of coffee, BUT NOW I'M AWAKE!

Emily Carson:  Well, it's a nice night, and I have to walk Camille.  Do you
  want to take a walk with me?
Scott Turner:  No.  No.  Well, you see, I'm starting to like you, and if
  we're going to walk I'm just going to like you even more, and then one day
  we might even end up in love and everything will go on fine for a while,
  but-but then one day *bang* you're gonna call me a selfish compulsive
  bachelor.  You gonna pull your hair, you gonna scream and you gonna say
  you never want to see me again because I drive you crazy, and I'm a lousy
  shot.  Now, who needs that?  Good night.


# Twins

Julius Benedict:  If you're lying, I'll be back!


# UHF

[George and Bob just got fired again]
Bob:  How could you do this to me?  I knew this was gonna happen!
George Newman:  You're right, Bob.  I'm sorry.  What can I say?  I-I'm a
  miserable worthless hunk of slime.  Here, I want you to take this crowbar
  and just bash my head right in.  Go ahead.  Really!  Just BASH my head
  right in!
Bob:  George, you know I can't do that.  You still owe me 5 bucks.

Bob: I don't know about this, George.  We don't know the first thing about
  what goes on in a television station.
George Newman:  Don't worry, Bob.  It's just like working in a fish-market.
  Except you don't have to clean and gut fish all day.

[In the "Spatula City" advertising commercial]
Sy Greenblum:  Hello, this is Sy Greenblum, president of Spatula City.  I
  like the spatulas so much, I bought the company.

Stanley Spadowski:  George, you know I was wondering, like if you were
  traveling through outer space, I mean like you're going real fast, like
  the speed of light, you know ...hoooohhhhh... and all of a sudden you
  started screaming ...aaaahhhhh aaaaahhhhh...  Do you think your brain
  would blow up?
Bob:  Guys, I'm trying to work...  Do you mind?
Stanley Spadowski:  I don't mind.  Go right ahead...  Do you mind, George?

Stanley Spadowski:  "These floors are dirty as hell, and I'm not gonna take
  it any more!"

[See _The Treasure of the Sierra Madre_ (qv)]
Raul Hernandez:  Badgers?  Badgers?  We don't need no stinking badgers!

R.J. Fletcher:  This is an embarrassment.  A disgrace.  What do you think
  R.J. Fletcher Senior would be saying if he were alive today?
Richard Fletcher:  "Help me out of this box, I can't breathe in here!  Help,
  let me out!"

Stanley Spadowski:  George?  What's the matter?
George Newman:  Stanley, you don't want to know.
Stanley Spadowski:  Huh?  Why did I ask?


# Under Siege (1992)

William Strannix:  Damn, I'm good.

Admiral Bates:  This is Admiral Bates speaking.  I am trying to get a hold
  of Chief Ryback.  Is he about?
Jordan Tate:  He is in a gunfight right now.  I'm gonna have to take a
  message.

William Strannix:  All my life, Saturday morning cartoons...  The best!


# Unforgiven (1992)

William Munny:  I've killed women and children.  I've killed just about
  every thing that walks or crawls.  And I'm here to kill you, Little Bill,
  for what you done to Ned.

[Little Bill Daggett is lying on the floor helpless as William Munny points
  Ned Logan's rifle at him]
Little Bill Daggett:  I don't deserve to die like this!  I was building a
  house!
William Munny shooting:  Deserve's got nothin' to do with it.

Kid:  Yeah, well, I guess he had it comin'.
William Munny:  We all got it comin', kid.


# Untouchables, The

Capone:  Somebody messes with me, I'm gonna mess with him.

Jim Malone:  You wanna get Capone?  Here's how you get him.  He pulls a
  knife, you pull a gun.  He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send
  one of his to the morgue.  That's the Chicago way.  And that's how you get
  Capone!

[Last lines]
Reporter:  Word is they're going to repeal Prohibition.  What'll you do
  then?
Eliot Ness:  I think I'll have a drink.


# Up in Smoke (1978)

Mr. Stoner:  Why don't you go out and get a job, like that God damn
  Finkelstein shit kid!


# Up the Creek (1984)

Bob McGraw to Heather Merriweather:  No, thanks, I've been dressing myself
  for years.  And when this is over, and someone has won this damn thing,
  I'd like to think I can jump on you again sometime.

Bob McGraw:  I like a woman who's not afraid to play hard to get.
(Jennifer Runyon Jennifer Runyon):  I like a man who's not afraid to play
  hard.  You know something, Bob McGraw, you look a little warm.  Why don't
  you slip into something more comfortable.


# Vertigo

[First Line]
Cop:  Give me your hand.  Give me your hand.

John Fergusson:  You shouldn't keep souvenirs of a killing.  You shouldn't
  have been that sentimental.


# Voyage (1993) (TV)

[Talking about the Freeland couple they just met]
Catherine "Kit" Norvell:  You think she is attractive, don't you?
Morgan Norvell:  You think he is?
Catherine "Kit" Norvell:  Why do we always answer questions with questions?
Morgan Norvell:  How do you mean?


# Wall Street

Bud Fox:  Why do you need to wreck this company?
Gordon Gecco:  Because it's wreckable, all right!


# War of the Roses, The

[Finding out that they are going to get a divorce]
Oliver Rose:  And you better get yourself a damn good lawyer!
Barbara Rose:  Best your money can buy!

Gavin D'Amato:  Oliver, my father used to say that a man can never out-do a
  woman when it comes to love and revenge.

[Oliver Rose pees on the fish Barbara Rose had prepared for the guests]
Barbara Rose:  I would never humiliate you like this!
Oliver Rose:  You're not equipped to, honey.


# Wayne's World

Mikita's Manager, Glen to the camera:  I'd never done a crazy  thing in my
  life before that night.  Why is it that if a man kills another man in
  battle it's called heroic, yet if he kills a man in the heat of passion
  it's called murder.

Garth Algar:  That is a babe!  She makes me feel kinda funny, like when we
  used to climb the rope in gym-class.

[Talking about Claudia Schiffer]
Wayne Campbell:  She's a babe.
Garth Algar:  She's magically babelicious.
Wayne Campbell:  She tested very high on the stroke-ability scale.

Benjamin:  First let me get this out of the way; I'm a big fan.
Garth Algar:  You are?
Benjamin:  The way I see it; your show is capable of so much more.
Garth Algar:  Well, we'll try harder, OK?  Just give us a second chance.
  Just don't go and cancel us without giving us a second chance!

[Instead of saying "Excuse me, I beg your pardon?" (also in _Wayne's World
  2_ (qv))]
Wayne Campbell:  Exsqueeze me?  Baking powder?

Benjamin:  Do you have a lawyer?
Wayne Campbell:  Yes!  Ahm, no.  We're between lawyers right now.  You see,
  our first lawyer screwed our affairs so bad.
Garth Algar:  That's right.  I walked right to that office - that's what I
  did - and I reached across that desk and I grabbed him by his fat head and
  I  said "Listen man!  I'm not going to jail for YOU or for anybody!".

Terry:  Wayne!  Wayne!  Garth told me about the show, man.  I love you man.
Wayne Campbell:  Yea, and I love you too, Terry.
Terry:  No no no, I mean it man.  I LOVE you!
Wayne Campbell:  No, I-I mean it.  I love you.
Terry:  No you don't, man.  I love you.
Wayne Campbell being hugged by Terry:  Garth!  Hey, come over here, I think
  Terry has something he wants to say to you.
Terry:  I love you, man.
Garth Algar:  Thank you!

Russel:  It will be Terry's job to give the actors their hand cue.
Wayne Campbell:  Exscuse me, Russel, but I believe I requested the hand
  job...

Benjamin Oliver:  So Garth, how do you like being in a studio?
Garth Algar:  Ahm, it's it's like a new pair of underwear, you know...  At
  first it's constrictive, but after a while it becomes a part of you.

[Wayne and Garth is lying on the hood of the merth-mobile, staring at the
  starlit sky]
Garth Algar:  Sometimes I wish I could boldly go where no man has gone
  before ... but I'll probably stay in Aurora.  What are you thinking
  about?
Wayne Campbell:  Cassandra.  She's a fox.  In french she would be called "la
  renarde" and she would be hunted with only her cunning to protect her.
Garth Algar:  She's a babe.
Wayne Campbell:  She's a robo-babe.  In latin she would be called "babia
  majora".
Garth Algar:  If she were a president she would be Baberaham Lincoln.
[A brief pause]
Garth Algar:  Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress
  and played girl bunny?
Wayne Campbell cracks up laughing:  No...  No!
Garth Algar:  Neither did I.  I was just asking.

Mikita's Manager, Glen:  Anything wrong, Davy?
Davy:  Yeah, I got paid today.
Mikita's Manager, Glen:  Yeah, I know what that's like.
Davy:  No.  You don't understand.  They laid me off.  I got one of these.
Mikita's Manager, Glen:  Yeah, I know how that feels.
Davy:  Know what I'd like to do?
Mikita's Manager, Glen:  Yeah I know what you'd like to do.  You'd like to
  find the guy who did it, rip his still beating heart out of his chest and
  hold it in front of his face so he can see how black it is before he
  dies.
Davy:  Actually, I was thinking of filing a disagreement with the union.
Mikita's Manager, Glen:  Well, the world's a twisted place.

Mikita's Manager, Glen:  You know, if you stab a man in the dead of winter,
  steam will rise up from the wounds.  Indians believed it was his soul
  escaping from his body.

Garth Algar:  OK ... First I'll access the secret military spy sattelite
  that is in geosynchronous orbit over Mid-West.  Then I'll ID the limo by
  the vanity plate "MR. BIGGG" and get his approximate position.  Then I'll
  reposition the transmission dish on the remote truck to 17,32 degrees
  east, hit WESTAR 4 over the Atlantic, bounce the signal back into the
  aerosphere up to COMSAT 6, beam it back to SATCOM 2 transmitter number 137
  and down on the dish on the back of Mr. Big's limo...  It's almost too
  easy.

[See _Terminator 2: Judgment Day_ (qv)]
[Wayne Campbell is stopped by a traffic cop]
Wayne Campbell:  Yes, officer, is there a problem?
T-1000:  Have you seen this boy?

Cassandra:  I don't believe I've ever had French champagne before...
Benjamin Kane:  Oh, actually all champagne is French, it's named after the
  region.  Otherwise it's sparcling white wine.  Americans of course don't
  recognize the convention so it becomes that thing of calling all of their
  sparkling white champagne, even though by definition they're not.
Wayne Campbell:  Ah yes, it's a lot like _"Star Trek: The Next Generation"_
  (qv).  In many ways it's superior but will never be as recognized as the
  original.

Wayne and Garth to Alice Cooper:  We're not worthy!  We're not worthy!

Wayne Campbell:  I know I don't have his looks.  I know I don't have his
  money.  I know I don't have his connections, his knowledge of fine wines.
  I know sometimes when I eat I get this clicking sound in my jaw...

[See also the crazy-credits for quotes]


# Wayne's World 2

[Pickup-line]
Honey Horne:  So, would you like to have dinner one night?
Garth Algar:  Oh, I like to have dinner every night.

Honey Horne:  I bet you like to be in control...
Garth Algar:  Yes, like when I was 17, my sister wanted to loan my Def
  Leppard.  I said "No way!".

Honey Horne:  Take me, Garth!
Garth Algar:  Where?

[Instead of saying "Excuse me, I beg your pardon?" (also in _Wayne's World_
  (qv))]
Wayne Campbell:  Exsqueeze me?  A baking-powder?


# When Harry Met Sally...

Harry Burns:  No man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive.  He
  always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright:  So you are saying that man can be friends with a woman he
  finds unattractive?
Harry Burns:  No, you pretty much want to nail them too.

Jess:  You made a woman meow?


# Who Framed Roger Rabbit

Jessica:  I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way.

Jessica:  I love you more than any woman's ever loved a rabbit.


# Why Me? (1990)

Gus Cardinale:  Bruno, that's the stupidest idea I've ever heard.
Bruno:  Don't worry, there's plenty of more where that came from...

Francis Mahoney:  What's the matter?  Did you get your face caught in a
  zipper?

[Gus Cardinale is hanging in a wire outside a skyscraper when two CIA agents
  appear at the roof]
CIA Agent:  Hey, don't try anything stupid down there.
Gus Cardinale:  What could be fucking stupider than this?


# Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter?

Rita Marlowe:  I picked him up, I can pick him down.


# Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Willy Wonka:  No other factory in the world mixes its chocolate by
  waterfall.

Willy Wonka:  Are the hell fires a-glowing?  Is the reaper a-mowing?  So the
  danger must be growing!

Willy Wonka:  Bubbles, bubbles everywhere, and not a drop to drink!

Willy Wonka:  If the good Lord had intended us to walk he wouldn't have
  invented roller-skates.

Willy Wonka:  Everything inside is eatable, I mean edible, I mean everything
  can be eaten.

Willy Wonka:  So much time and so little to do ... strike that, reverse it.


# Witness (1985)

Rachel Lapp:  I just don't like my son spending all his time with a man who
  carries a gun and goes around whacking people.

John Book:  Whacking, I'm hell at whacking.

John Book:  How do I look - I mean, do I look Amish?


# Woman of the Year (1942)

[Last Line]
Sam Craig:  I've just launched Gerald.


# Working Girl

[When Cyn and Tess McGill are looking through Katherine Parker's wardrobe
  for a dress]
Cyn:  Six Thousand Dollars?  It's not even leather!


# Wrong Man, The (1957)

Lt. Bowers:  An innocent man has nothing to fear, remember that.


# Wrong Trousers, The

Wallace:  Cracking toast Gromit!

Wallace:  They're the wrong trousers Gromit, and they've gone wrong!


# Young Guns (1988)

Richard Brewer:  Papers can't do anything right.

"Dirty Steve" Stephens:  Did you guys see the size of that chicken?

Charley Bowdre:  Hey, Chavez, how come they ain't killing us?
"Dirty Steve" Stephens:  Because we're in the spirit world, asshole.  They
  can't see us.

William H. Bonney:  Reap the whirlwind, Brady!  Reap it!

William H. Bonney:  Trying to make it to mexico, that's the test of all
  tests.  I'm in.
Josiah G. Scurlock:  I'm really not liking him.

William H. Bonney:  If we're caught, we're gonna hang...  But there's many a
  slip twixt the cup and the lip.

William H. Bonney:  You know, Sir, I do admire you, and I sure would like to
  touch the gun that's gonna kill Billy the Kid.

William H. Bonney:  "Dear Governor Axtell.  I've heard that you will give
  200 dollars for my head.  Perhaps we should meet and talk.  I am at the
  Juarez village at the border.  Send 3 men, and instruct them not to shoot,
  as I am unarmed.  In short, Sir; I surrender.  Your obedient servant
  William H. Bonney.  PS:  I changed my mind.  Kiss my ass!"

Alex McSween:  I'm not leaving my house.
William H. Bonney:  Alex, if you stay they're gonna kill you.  And then I'm
  gonna have to to go around and kill all the guys who killed you.  That's a
  lot of killing.

[The "Regulators" are surronded by 20-30 men in Alex McSween's house]
Josiah G. "Doc" Scurlock:  Billy, what are we gonna do now?
William H. Bonney:  We're gonna show these guys they've finally met their
  match!

[When the cavalry arrives]
Josiah G. "Doc" Scurlock:  Billy, we're good, but this is getting
  ridiculous.
William H. Bonney:  I like these odds...

"Dirty Steve" Stephens:  Damn good riding with you, Chavez.
Jose Chavez Y Chavez:  Many nights, my friend...  Many nights I've put a
  blade to your throat while you were sleeping.  Glad I never killed you,
  Steve.  You're all right...


# Young Guns II

Charles Phalen:  William H. Bonney, heh?  Billy the Kid was shot and killed
  by Pat Garret.  Everybody knows that, it's common knowledge.
William H. Bonney (the Old):  There are other lawyers around, you piece of
  chicken shit.  Get back in the vehicle and drive before I make it 22 just
  for the hell of it.

[Last line a lot of people heard]
William H. Bonney:  Yoohoo.  I'll make you famous!

Doc Scurlock:  You son of a bitch!  You're starting to believe what they're
  writing about you, aren't you?  Let me tell you what you really are!  You
  rode a 14 year old boy straight to his grave, ant the rest of us straight
  to hell...  Straight to hell!  William H. Bonney!  You are NOT a god!
William H. Bonney:  Why don't you pull the trigger and find out?

Judge Bristol:  ...and there be hanged by the neck till he be dead, dead,
  dead.  Now, do you have anything to say, young man?
William H. Bonney:  Yes I do, your Honor.  You can go to hell, hell, hell.

William H. Bonney:  "Buckshot George", that's your name.  You wanted a name,
  that's it.  "Buckshot George".  It's a good name.
Hendry French:  My name is Hendry William French.
William H. Bonney:  That's a good name too.

Tom O'Tolliard:  What's scum?
William H. Bonney:  Well Tom, that's bad types.  Politicians, bankers,
  cattle-kings...  Scum...


# Zelig

[Leonard Zelig is apologizing on radio to all the people he misrepresented
  himself to]
Leonard Zelig:  I especially want to apologize to the Trochman family in
  Detroit..... I never delivered a baby before, and I just thought that ice
  tongs were the way to do it.


# Zulu

Private:  Why us?  Why does it have to be us?
Sergeant:  Because we're here lad.

Reverend Otto Witt:  1,000 British soldiers have been massacred.  While I
  stood here talking peace, a war has started.

Private Henry Hook:  Rourke's Drift...  It'd take an Irishman to give his
  name to a rotten stinking middle o' nowhere hole like this.

Lieutenant John Chard:  What's our strength?
Lieutenant Gonville Bromhead:  7 officers including surgeon, commercaries
  and so on, Ardndorff now I suppose, wounded and sick 36, fit for duty 97
  and about 40 native levies. Not much of an army for you.

Reverend Otto Witt:  There are 4,000 Zulus coming against you, you must
  abandon this mission.

Lieutenant Gonville Bromhead:  Damn the levies man...  Cowardly blacks!
Ardndorff:  What the hell do you mean "cowardly blacks"?  They died on your
  side didn't they?  And who the hell do you think is coming to wipe out
  your little command?  The Grenadier Guards?

Lieutenant Gonville Bromhead:  60!, we got at least 60 wouldn't you say?
Ardndorff:  That leaves only 3,940.

Colour Sergeant Bourne:  It's a miracle.
Lieutenant John Chard:  If it's a miracle Colour Sergeant, it's a short
  chamber Boxer Henry, point 4-5 caliber miracle.
Colour Sergeant Bourne:  And a bayonet sir, with some guts behind.


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