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- @ BARN LANE
-
- # By Andrew Campbell 1994
-
-
- `Long since abandoned textile mills,' Ryan always thought when he
- took the Barn Lane route to work. Was he going to waste eighty pence
- on a bus ride plagued by giddy home-bound schoolkids? No way. Walking
- was much cheaper, far more interesting and good excersise too.
- Barn Lane provided a rather murky diversion from the main road. It
- was a `B' road, Ryan supposed - not very busy but far from out of use.
- After the first bend there was an ancient barn, obviously the building
- that gave the road its name. `Creepy as shit,' Ryan always thought
- when he passed it (trying to avoid his strange temptation to peek
- inside through the gaps in those nailed-up windows). The grass that
- surrounded the barn was washy green and uncut; there was never any
- sign of human activity near the place. Never.
- In order to reach the office, Ryan had to follow Barn Lane from start
- to finish. It led him through silent valleys between incredibly steep
- dirt mounds, gave him spectacular close-up tours of the Stone Bridge
- Textile Mills - ancient, derelict buildings, blackened by smoke,
- gutted of their innards and left to crumble - and revealed to him
- traces of a once operational viaduct which probably carried a railway
- line from here to Halifax.
- Eerily dark, quiet and overrun by prickly vegetation, Barn Lane was
- an extraordinary experience to say the least. Taking the bus cost you
- twenty pence less than a pound and gave you a seat beside a window
- smeared with mud. To Ryan, there was no competition.
- A cobbled pathway joined up with Barn Lane about a quarter of the way
- into town. Ryan had no idea where it went... Beechwood possibly? Maybe
- even out onto the moors... he really didn't know. Nobody had ever come
- wandering down from that path either, not whilst he'd been passing.
- Until today.
- It was a guaranteed collision, too. Ryan could always sense when he
- was going to end up walking behind some fat-arsed pram-pusher, or a
- weirdo like this blonde-haired guy - twenty years old at the most -
- who was coming down the cobbled path right at this moment. For six
- months he'd walked past this bit of Barn Lane without anyone to slow
- down his pace. Six months - surely this guy was a fluke.
- `He's gonna walk at my speed, exactly, until he reaches the road,'
- Ryan thought. `And then he's gonna slow right the hell down so I'll
- have to overtake him. I bet you anything that's what happens.'
- Head bobbing up and down behind a barricade of blackberry bushes and
- over-grown bracken, the blonde-haired guy called out, "Hey mate,
- excuse me! I'm trying get into Oldham, any ideas which direction? All
- these country roads look the same to me."
- Ryan hated speaking to strange people. He'd once turned down a job at
- a food store because it involved dealing with members of the public.
- For some reason his voice sounded different when he was alone;
- powerless and thin, and he could never say the things he wanted to
- either. He supposed it was natural after having just left school and
- stepped into the `big wide world' (as his English teacher used to
- say). His job at the office was as boring as hell, yes, but at least
- he wasn't dealing with human beings from the darkest depths of this
- twisted society.
- "You just go straight ahead," Ryan told the guy, hoping that would be
- the end of their communication session and he'd be able to continue
- his trek down Barn Lane as freely as usual.
- "Just down there?" the guy pointed in the right direction. He came
- off the cobbled road just as Ryan was passing (what a prediction) and
- walked beside him.
- "It's about three and a half miles." Ryan announced, hoping this
- slight exaggeration might put the guy off.
- "Phew, quite a trot. You heading the same way?"
- Ryan glanced at the man briefly. He was dressed in a plain black
- tee-shirt, black denims and had a thick silver chain around his neck.
- His exposed skin - bare arms, neck and face - was nicely sun-tanned,
- and his hair was smooth, gold and quite long. He smelt quite pleasant
- too, Ryan decided after catching a wif of the guy's aftershave (or was
- it perfume? He wasn't sure).
- "Yeah. I'm going to work." Ryan said. Out of the corner of his eye
- the man seemed to resemble a woman - a beautiful, sexy blonde. This
- crazy idea sent a shiver down Ryan's spine. `Here I am walking down
- Barn Lane with a bloke who turns me on. Jesus.'
- "So you're from these parts, huh?" the guy went on. "I'm from London
- myself. There's no roads like this in London, mate." he sniggered and
- looked at Ryan - probably for a reaction. Ryan sniffed up and smiled a
- bit but nothing more.
- "Yeah, I'm actually visiting a friend of mine. He used to live in
- Halifax but he lives in Oldham now. I just hope he's still living at
- the address I've got written down or I'm screwed. I'll turn into a
- squatter over night!" he chuckled to himself and glanced at Ryan
- again. He had a nice, slightly wheezy way of laughing but Ryan wasn't
- in the mood for sharing mildly amusing jokes. He still felt annoyed
- and... well, strangely aroused. He didn't quite understand what he
- found appealing about the guy - his silky blonde hair, his pleasant
- smell... he couldn't just pin-point a certain factor.
- The guy didn't speak for a while. He kept walking beside Ryan, boots
- crunching in the gravel, jeans swishing together gently. About one
- hundred yards from the point where the cobbled pathway joined the
- road, the man said, "Not in the mood for talking, huh?"
- Ryan shrugged, thinking: `Correct, pal. Why don't you go away?'
- More crunchy footsteps. Ryan found himself having to alter his pace
- to ensure he didn't walk in exact synchronization with the guy. He
- also pocketed his hands to hide a terribly big erection. `My God what
- the hell's happening to me? Does he know I'm ready to jerk off over
- him or what?'
- "Do you want me to run on ahead a bit?" he said quite softly. "I
- don't mind."
- Ryan hesitated. "Well.... it's not that, I..."
- "Hey, I get on people's nerves regularly. I just like conversation,
- that's all. Walking alone gets pretty boring. I won't take offence or
- anything."
- "No, really," Ryan blushed a bit. "I don't know... what it is. I'm
- sorry. I'm no good at small-talk stuff. You'd probably be better on
- your own anyway." He checked the man's expression, only to find his
- legs grind to a halt; the man had a very dark, handsome face. A
- beautiful face, even. Those features... so clearly defined. Those
- deep, entrancing blue eyes...
- `Oh sweet Jesus don't let me think like this! I can't be thinking
- like this! I can't! I know I've never slept with a girl but hell, I'm
- not queer! Surely I'm not... surely I'm... oh hell. Oh hell. Oh no. Am
- I queer? Am I really a homosexual and it's taken this guy to make my
- mind realise it? Surely not!'
- For almost a whole minute the two of them stood in the middle of Barn
- Lane - staring at each other. When reality finally flooded its way
- back into Ryan's head, he turned away and whispered, "Shit. What's
- happening?"
- A hand touched his shoulder. He shivered, but didn't throw it away.
- "Are you alright?" came a whisper. "Did you feel something like I did
- then or are you unsure of your sexuality?"
- Eyes tightly closed, mind tumbling, Ryan murmoured, "I don't know."
- The hand squeezed his shoulder very gentley. That powerful, arousing
- smell flooded Ryans nostrils. Visions and feelings washed through him
- like waves of heat, and whispers - poetic, spidery whispers - tickled
- his ears... `Are you for sale or are you for rent? You gotta find out!
- Gotta find out! Are you straight or are you BENT? You Gotta find out!
- Gotta find out!'
- Ryan ran forwards out of reach, swung around and backed into the wall
- of a field beside the road. Hornets dashed around his face, sweat
- trickled down his back... the beautiful man stood innocently, calmly
- in front of him.
- "Hey," he smiled, and his smile was as wonderful as the rest of him.
- "You're a nervous one, aren't you? Stay calm, talk to your feelings,
- let them take you which ever way seems natural."
- "I don't know which way..." Ryan whimpered. "I feel confused... I've
- never felt... oh Jesus-"
- "Sometimes these things jump out when we least expect them. In our
- case usually happens when we try to make love to a girl but can't find
- enough sexual excitement." he cleared his throat. "Have you ever had
- sex, kiddo?"
- Ryan shook his head jerkily, reluctantly. "No. So what?"
- "Exactly, exactly," the guy nodded. "So what? What does it matter? I
- just wondered if you'd had suspicions about yourself the way I
- discovered mine. Obviously not. In which case it must be me who's
- triggered off a feeling inside you. It's a warm day, I don't usually
- dress like this..." he looked down at himself briefly. "Perhaps I've
- surfaced something that was long-since buried by peer-pressure or the
- taboos of society. I don't know. But... you need to find out, kiddo."
- "Find out?" Ryan whispered, shuddering now. He was scared, yet still
- aroused beyond belief - he felt so close to ejaculation it was making
- his stomach churn.
- "Just say the word and I'll stop, okay?" the guy said, walking slowly
- forwards. "If at any point you feel distressed or you feel what's
- happening is wrong, yell at me. Shout at me, push me away. Do you
- understand?"
- The words `Don't come near me,' were on the tip of Ryan's tongue but
- they wouldn't come out... not even when the beautiful man reached out
- and touched his cheek. Not even when the smell engulfed him, a chest
- pressed against his, and lips brushed his own. The only thing he said
- was "Ohhh God", when he climaxed in his trousers, flooding them with a
- sticky warmth.
-
- Sunlight poked through the leaves in blinding, bluish rays, spreading
- complex patterns across Ryan's bare chest and the blonde man's
- encirled arms.
- "Are you alright?" came a whisper.
- Ryan, sat naked in another man's arms and shivering with fear and
- confusion, said, "I think so... May I ask you something?"
- "Anything."
- "What's your name?"
- A small, wheezy laugh. "Gareth. What's yours?"
- "Ryan."
- "You're very beautiful, Ryan. I've never made love to a total
- stranger before. Did you enjoy it? Did it feel natural?"
- Ryan closed his eyes and travelled back in time a few minutes...
- Gareth hadn't taken advantage of him at all. Ryan's fear of having
- full-on, rear-entry sex had been for nothing; Gareth had simply kissed
- him, led him across the road into the trees and grass - out of sight -
- then undressed and told Ryan to do the same. Moments later they'd been
- eating each other like lions... perhaps the strongest, most powerful
- of their experiences being an exchange turn of oral sex.
- Of course Ryan had enjoyed it. He wouldn't have allowed such a thing
- to take place otherwise... would he? Had it felt natural...? Seeing
- Gareth's muscly chest revealed rather than some girl's breasts...?
- "I think it felt natural," Ryan whispered. "I don't know... I've
- never done... anything like that with a girl so I really don't know."
- Gareth cuddled him a bit. "Well, that's okay." he said. "What we've
- just done has to be a one off, anyway. I love someone else."
- Ryan turned a bit. "You mean...?"
- "I'm sorry, I should have said a bit sooner." Gareth admitted. "I
- gave in to my desires in your case. You're extremely good-looking if
- you haven't noticed. Your shyness added a bit too."
- Ryan said nothing. He couldn't quite believe he'd actually made love
- to another man... he wanted so desperately to feel ashamed; to assure
- himself he wasn't gay but he didn't feel ashamed at all.
- As for his sexuality... well, lets just say it wasn't only women that
- made his blood boil. Had he always been like this or was it Gareth who
- had surfaced such a deeply buried desire...?
- "I'm late for work," Ryan said, even though he had no idea what the
- time was. It was bound to be later than nine o'clock.
- "Do you want me to walk with you?" Gareth asked carefully.
- Ryan shook his head. "I don't think that would be a good idea."
- "Neither do I." he struggled to get up. Ryan shuffled forwards off
- the man's knees, cuddled up against the trunk of a tree and watched
- him dress.
- # `Oh God now there has been a change in me oh God there has... this
- #man has shown me God, shown me the dark side of God, the Devil
- #perhaps but Lord I wanted it... I showed no hostility, let him kiss
- #and touch and take me in his arms...'
- When he was fully dressed, Gareth edged away from the clearing of
- grass and trees and stood at the edge of the road.
- "I'll go then. Will you be okay? You look a bit sick."
- "I'm just... confused, my head's spinning." Ryan croaked.
- "Want me to stay?"
- "No... no thanks. I'll be fine. You go."
- "Alright." Gareth said, then, "See you around, kiddo."
- He walked away.
- Ryan closed his eyes, placed his hand over his mouth, shivered, took
- it away again, shuffled across the grass... then at last, threw up.
-
- The silence of Barn Lane seemed to preserve Ryan's experience for as
- long as it took him to reach the end. When he passed them, the
- derelict mills seemed different somehow. Smaller, older, their
- construction so deviant in the modern world.
- When Barn Lane rejoined the flow of traffic from Stone Bridge and
- Black Hill, and the pavements became populated with everyday people,
- Ryan at last realised the meaning of his experience.
- `None of you have ever seen Barn Lane,' he thought as he merged with
- the flowing river of pedestrians. `To you lot the only way into town
- is by bus. You must pay for your ride. Barn Lane frightens you. In
- your feeble minds it doesn't exist.'
- He brushed shoulders with an attractive young school girl running in
- the opposite direction to the crowd. He replayed her sun-tanned legs
- in motion, her short, waving skirt, her bouncing breasts.
- `I'm not homosexual,' Ryan realised. `I can just go against the flow,
- that's all. Like Barn Lane, Gareth is an opposite route... a choice I
- can make. If I want to take the bus, I will. It's normal, and if I
- feel like being normal, so I shall be.'
- Before he arrived at the office he saw Gareth again... a black figure
- in a crowd of morning shoppers - to all but Ryan, a normal fish in the
- over-populated sea of society. Although the two men caught sight of
- each other and smiled, they made no further attempt to communcate.
- In fact, after that day, they never met again.
-
-