You're a redneck if:\You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy . . .
Bad Excuses #6:\'Please excuse Joey Friday. He has loose vowels.'
Bad Excuses #7:\'Please excuse Joyce from Jim today. She is administrating.'
The Pun Reference Library\Full Moon: Seymour Buns
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now.\But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."\ -- Steven Wright
All of the people in my building are insane. The lady across\the hall tried to rob a department store... With a pricing\gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or\I'm marking down everything in the store."\ -- Steven Wright
Scientific Terms:\Sphere: A long pointed weapon
Insurance Faux Pas:\'I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I\put my head through it.'
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant\wakes up and the elephant is dead. "Damn", says the ant, "one night of\passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"
The Pun Reference Library\Rules For Living: Sharon Sharalike
The Pun Reference Library\Quips For The Young At Heart: Marty Pants
Unclear Writting:\I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
The Pun Reference Library\Mensa Man: Gene Yuss
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the\entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said,\"Wish you were here."\ -- Steven Wright
The Pun Reference Library\How To Tune Up Your Auto: Carl Humm
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.\Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.\Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut\it out."\ -- Steven Wright
You're a redneck if:\You dress the kids up to go to K-mart . . .
International Signs - Zurich hotel:\Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite\sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this\purpose.
You're a redneck if:\You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures\were taken . . .
International Signs - Moscow hotel:\If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
What's big and green and has a trunk? An unripe elephant.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you\get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like\that all the time.\ -- Steven Wright
International Signs - Budapest zoo:\Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food,\give it to the guard on duty.
The Pun Reference Library\Shhh!: Danielle Soloud
What do you get when you cross an elephant with...\A kangaroo? Bloody great holes all over Australia.
The Pun Reference Library\Yoko's Robe: Kim Ono
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure\enough, I couldn't see any forests.\ -- Steven Wright
Unclear Writting:\I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had\seven, but one died which was baptized on a half a sheet of paper.
The Pun Reference Library\Peeping Tom: Sawyer Scantis
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or\numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it\was. You can guess what he told me.\ -- Steven Wright
International Signs - Japanese hotel:\You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually...\ -- Steven Wright
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said,\"Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They\said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I\said, "I'll wait."\ -- Steven Wright
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got\there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the\sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a\row."\ -- Steven Wright
Scientific Terms:\Marginal ray: A ray of doubtful origin.
Fired-Employee Recommendations:\A dishonest employee\ "Her true ability was deceiving"
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.\ -- Steven Wright
Insurance Faux Pas:\'The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over\him.'
Standards for Inconsequential Trivia:\10^-12 boos = 1 picoboo
The Pun Reference Library\Back Row Of The Orchestra: Clara Nett
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet\supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that\said "compact cars"...\ -- Steven Wright
Fired-Employee Recommendations:\For the office drunk\ "We generally found him loaded with work to do"
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you\get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.\ -- Steven Wright
What do you get when you cross an elephant with...\A mouse? Very large holes in the baseboard.
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that\folds.\ -- Steven Wright
You're a redneck if:\You have a rag for a gas cap . . .
Bad Excuses #12:\'May Ann was absent Dec. 11-15 because she had a fever, sore\throat, headache. There must be the flu going around ....\father even got hot last night.'
Insurance Faux Pas:\'A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.'
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely\abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.\ -- Steven Wright
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it\is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I\say, "I think I might have written that."\ -- Steven Wright
The Pun Reference Library\Chicago Gangs Of The '30's: Tommy Gunn
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.\I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.\ -- Steven Wright
The Pun Reference Library\Animal Scents: Farrah Mones
I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say,\"Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once\in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."\ -- Steven Wright
The Pun Reference Library\All Alone: Saul E. Terry
What's the difference between an elephant and a bison?\You can't wash your hands in an elephant.
Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?\Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
The Pun Reference Library\Preparing Leather: Tanya Hyde
The Pun Reference Library\In Farmer MacGregor's Garden: Peter Abbott
What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?\Cinderelephant.
Bad Excuses #9:\'My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She\spent the weekend with the Marines.'
Insurance Faux Pas:\'The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times\before I hit him.'
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how\much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.\ -- Steven Wright
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency\Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?\ -- Steven Wright
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...\ -- General Sedgwick's last words
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.\ -- Steven Wright
Insurance Faux Pas:\'I pulled away from the side of the road, looked at my mother in\law and headed over the embankment.'
Why don't elephants make good bartenders?\People stop drinking when they see them.
The Pun Reference Library\I Love Crowds: Morris Merrier
Insurance Faux Pas:\'An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.'
The Pun Reference Library\The Bog: Pete Maas
Bad Excuses #8:\'Carlose was absent from school yesterday because he was hurt\playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.'
Unclear Writting:\I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son\illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before\he was born.
The Pun Reference Library\The Chuck Berry Story: Judy Frudy
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside.\The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot\today."\ -- Steven Wright
Deep Thoughts, By Jack Handey\Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world\is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on\an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
International Signs - Roman doctor's office:\Specialist in women and other diseases.
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the\money go?\ -- Steven Wright
What do you say to a one-legged hitch-hiker?\ Hop in.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...\Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.\ -- Steven Wright
I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it\on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I\could only stutter in Spanish.\ -- Steven Wright
Insurance Faux Pas:\'I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.'
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.\Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.\ -- Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.\ -- Steven Wright
The Pun Reference Library\Hot Dog!: Frank Furter
Scientific Terms:\Orifice: Headquarters or place of business
The Pun Reference Library\Children's Songbook: Skip Tumalu
The Pun Reference Library\You Drip!: Lee K. Fawcette
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the\wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned\them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."\ -- Steven Wright
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called\someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."\ -- Steven Wright
The Pun Reference Library\House Construction: Bill Jerome Holme
What did the grape say when the elephant trod on it?\Nothing, but it did let out a little wine.
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if\I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.\ -- Steven Wright
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.\ -- Steven Wright
Bad Excuses #11:\'Please excuse Johnny from being. It was his father's fault.'
Insurance Faux Pas:\'The other car collided with mine without giving warning of it's\intention.'
Bad Excuses #10:\'Plese excuse Dianna from being absent yesterday. She was in bed\with Gramps.'
What do you do with a dog that doesn't have any legs?\ Take him for a drag.
International Signs - Thailand donkey rides:\Would you like to ride on your own ass?
Insurance Faux Pas:\'I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the side of\the road when I struck him.'
Unclear Writting:\In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins\in the enclosed envelope.
At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular\dinner price if you eat less than you can.\ -- Steven Wright
A skunk walked by and my odor eaters went berserk with blood\lust. They tripped me, escaped from my loafers, and chased the\skunk up a tree.\ -- Steven Wright
Employee Improvement Courses:\EB42 Whine Your Way to Higher Pay
The Pun Reference Library\Mexican/Italian Food: Pepe Roonie
Employee Improvement Courses:\EB59 How to Profit From Your Own Body
It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design\exactly.\ -- Steven Wright
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends\went to the funeral in one car.\ -- Steven Wright
International Signs - Acapulco hotel:\The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
The Pun Reference Library\The Effects of Alcohol: Sir Osis of Liver
I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.\ -- Steven Wright
International Signs - Leipzig elevator:\To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin\should enter more persons, each one should press a number of\wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national\order.
Insurance Faux Pas:\'In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.'
International Signs - Copenhagen airline ticket office:\We take your bags and send them in all directions.
The Pun Reference Library\Weekend In Hong Kong: Rick Shaw
You're a redneck if:\Your passenger-side window is a Hefty bag . . .
How many elephants can you put into an empty sack?\Only one. Then the sack is no longer empty.
My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night\and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were\going to die, would you want to know?" "Heck no," I said,\"Why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back back to sleep..."\ -- Steven Wright
What goes clomp, clomp, clomp, squish; clomp, clomp, clomp, squish?\An elephant with one wet shoe.
International Signs - Soviet Weekly magazine:\There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet\Republic painters and scultors. These were executed over the\past two years.
The Pun Reference Library\Mystery in the Barnyard: Hu Flung Dung
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon\paper.\ -- Steven Wright
International Signs - Paris dress shop:\Dresses for street walking.
You're a redneck if:\Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help\take the wheels off . . .
The Pun Reference Library\Harvesting Wild Plants: Dudley Nightshade
The Pun Reference Library\My Seventh Husband: Ivana Newhouse
You're a redneck if:\You have ever barbequed Spam on a grill . . .
Scientific Terms:\Polygon: An ex-parrot
You're a redneck if:\You know exactly how many bales of hay your truck can hold . . .
Fired-Employee Recommendations:\A stupid employee\ "There is nothing you can teach a man like him"
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything\specifically.\ -- Steven Wright
The Pun Reference Library\Big Fart!: Hugh Jass
The Pun Reference Library\Artificial Weightlessness: Andy Gravity
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put\them in the same room and let them fight it out.\ -- Steven Wright
The Pun Reference Library\I'm Fine: Howard Hue
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.\ -- Steven Wright
I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to\him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it.\Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held\up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute."\I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you."\ -- Steven Wright
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said,\"Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't\believe everything I read."\ -- Steven Wright
International Signs - Hong Kong tailor shop:\Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
The Pun Reference Library\The German Bank Robbery: Hans Zupp
Standards for Inconsequential Trivia:\10^-15 bismol = 1 femto-bismol
The Pun Reference Library\The Greasy Spoon Cookbook: Chris Coe
The Pun Reference Library\Irish Dentistry: Perry O'Donnal
How do you put a condom on a whale?\Four skin divers!
You're a redneck if:\Your watchband is wider than any book you've ever read . . .
The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter, Skelter."\ -- Steven Wright
The Pun Reference Library\Neither a Borrower: Nora Lender Bee
You're a redneck if:\Your brother-in-law is your uncle . . .
I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another one?\ -- Steven Wright
The Pun Reference Library\Clothes for Germ Kings: Mike Robbes
The Pun Reference Library\The Hidden Surprise: Pam Perz
Insurance Faux Pas:\'To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the\pedestrian.'
The Pun Reference Library\NHL Hockey: Stanley Kupp
Insurance Faux Pas:\'The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve\out of its way when it struck the front.'
Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put\your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.\ -- Steven Wright
The Pun Reference Library\Archery: Beau N. Arrow
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said,\"Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how."\She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and\hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out\of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said\"I thought I told you to go to sleep."\ -- Steven Wright
The Pun Reference Library\Italian Delicacies: Liz Onya
Insurance Faux Pas:\'A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.'
The Pun Reference Library\Exotic Irish Plants: Phil O'Dendron
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on\their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat\and drop it?\ -- Steven Wright
The Pun Reference Library\The Magic Word: Abby Cadabra
The Pun Reference Library\Columbus, Vespucci, And Me: Enzo DiUrth
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.\ -- Steven Wright
Eventually, the water hazard will be filled with golfballs. It\will still be a hazard, though, because you're only allowed to\hit your own ball.\ -- Steven Wright
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?\ -- Steven Wright
One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.\ -- Steven Wright
The Pun Reference Library\The Industrial Revolution: Otto Mattick
The Pun Reference Library\Falling Trees: Tim Burr
Scientific Terms:\Normal solution: The wrong answer
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know\what to feed it.\ -- Steven Wright
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every\morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.\ -- Steven Wright
I got a chain letter by FAX. It's very simple. You just FAX a\dollar bill to everybody on the list.\ -- Steven Wright
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends\with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.\ -- Steven Wright
The Pun Reference Library\Shock The Monkey: Jim Panzy
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that\he just whipped out a quarter?\ -- Steven Wright
The Pun Reference Library\The LA Lakers' Breakfast: Kareem O'Wheat
Fired-Employee Recommendations:\For an employee with no ambition\ "He could not care less about the number of hours he had to\ put in"
The Pun Reference Library\Fat Lady In The Sideshow: Ellie Funt
Insurance Faux Pas:\'I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off\the roof of my car.'
You're a redneck if:\Your family tree does not fork . . .
Insurance Faux Pas:\'Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a\tree I don't have.'
The Pun Reference Library\New Mexico Tour Book: Albie Kerki
The Pun Reference Library\Swimming in the Arctic: I. C. Waters
Insurance Faux Pas:\'I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my\universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.'
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff\in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one\girl laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss.\"Haven't you got a sense of humor?"\"I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday."\ -- Steven Wright
International Signs - Norwegian cocktail lounge:\Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
International Signs - Austrian hotel:\Not to preambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in\the boots of ascension.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of\light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?\ -- Steven Wright
The Pun Reference Library\Keep Out!: Barb Dwyer
Scientific Terms:\Paradox: Two PhDs
Bad Excuses #1:\'Dear school; Pleas ackuse John for bean absent Jan. 28, 29, 30,\32 and 33.'
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling\asleep, you're reading, reading... And all of a sudden you\notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.\ -- Steven Wright
The Pun Reference Library\Surprised!: Omar Gosh
What's another word for Thesaurus?\ -- Steven Wright
If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west,\does he become disoriented?\ -- Steven Wright
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer\thinks he can get me five.\ -- Steven Wright
I was born by Caesarean section... But not so you'd notice.\It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the\window.\ -- Steven Wright
Scientific Terms:\Conic Section: Funny paper
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was\in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they\weren't included. So I had to buy them again.\ -- Steven Wright
Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French\looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't\read in two different languages.\ -- Steven Wright
International Signs - Japanese air conditioner instructions:\Cooles and Heates - If you want just condition of warm in your\room, please control yourself.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with...\A duck and a light bulb? A huge electric bill.
Unclear Writting:\I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one\of which is a mistake as you can see.
International Signs - Rome laundry:\Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a\good time.
The Pun Reference Library\Tyrant of the Potatoes: Dick Tater
The Pun Reference Library\Gardening With The Ex-President: Rose Bush
Bad Excuses #4:\'My son is under the doctor's care and could not take P.E.\Please execute him.'
Getting anWhat do you get when you cross an elephant with...\Peanut butter? Either peanut butter that never forgets or an elephant\that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think\I've forgotten this before.\ -- Steven Wright
Bad Excuses #5:\'Please excuse Blanch from P.E. a few days. Yesterday she fell\out of a tree and misplaced her hip.'
Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my\own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are\outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.\ -- Steven Wright
ything done around here is like mating elephants.\It's done on a very high level.\There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved.\And it takes two years to get any results.
The Pun Reference Library\Fingerplay: Jacob Sladder
How do you scold an elephant? Say, "Tusk, tusk!"
What do you get when you cross an elephant with...\A rhinoceros? Elephino.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.\ -- Steven Wright
The Pun Reference Library\Rapunzel, Rapunzel!: Harris Long
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to\go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...\Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...\ -- Steven Wright
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They\said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."\ -- Steven Wright
Insurance Faux Pas:\'As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a\place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable\to stop in time to avoid the accident.'
Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:\The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant\The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari\The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants\The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants\The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money\The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant\The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?\The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.
The Pun Reference Library\A Whole Lot of Cats: Kitt N. Caboodle
Theories of Management:\MUSHROOM THEORY\ Just keep your employees in the dark and feed them bullshit.\RAIN MAKERS\ Reward Rainmakers not Ark builders\ARK BUILDERS\ Reward Ark builders not Rainmakers
You're a redneck if:\Your diploma includes the words 'Trucking Institute . . .
The original Mickey Mouse cartoon was in Mouse, with English\subtitles.\ -- Steven Wright
Scientific Terms:\Cosine: The opposite of stop sign
On my wife's office calendar for yesterday is the remark that\there was a female opera singer with quite a range at the lower\end of the scale. She was known as the "deep C diva."
The Pun Reference Library\Exploring The Dutch Frontier: Will Der Ness
Unclear Writting:\My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't\had any relief since.
International Signs - Moscow hotel lobby:\You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and\Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except\Thursday.
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to\call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went\insane.\ -- Steven Wright
Bad Excuses #3:\'Please excuse Gloria. She has been sick and under the doctor.'
An Elephant; A Mouse built to government specifications.
You're a redneck if:\Less than half the cars you own run . . .
I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked\up to me and said, "Can I help you?" and I said "Yeah, do you\got anything I like?"\ -- Steven Wright
Insurance Faux Pas:\'I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat,\I found that I had a fractured skull.'
The Pun Reference Library\Brane Surjery Maid Simpel: Sarah Bellum
If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you\ave the pen!\ -- Steven Wright
Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box,\hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a\nervous breakdown.\ -- Steven Wright
International Signs - Polish hotel menu:\Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings\in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers\beaten up in the country people's fashion.
The Pun Reference Library\Blowout!: Vlad Tire
International Signs - Czechoslovakian tourist agency:\Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no\miscarriages.
What does the cross between a parrot and an elephant say?\"Polly want a cracker ... NOW!"
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live\above me are furious!\ -- Steven Wright
The Pun Reference Library\The Perils Of Drug Addiction: Anita Fixx
You're a redneck if:\The pink plastic flamingos in your yard were not placed as\a joke . . .
The Pun Reference Library\Unemployed: Anita Job
The Pun Reference Library\The Porn Queen: Mona Lott
International Signs - Tokyo Bar:\Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets.\All they found was a pile of dust.\ -- Steven Wright
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?\ -- Steven Wright
The Pun Reference Library\Songs from 'South Pacific': Sam and Janet Evening
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may\wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats\another hummingbird.\ -- Steven Wright
Insurance Faux Pas:\'My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.'
The Pun Reference Library\Meals On Safari: Lionel Eecha
If God dropped acid, would he see people?\ -- Steven Wright
I called the Census Bureau to see why they hadn't sent me a\form, and they said that I was too nondescript to influence the\demographics one way or another.\ -- Steven Wright
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore\looking like an idiot.\ -- Unknown
The Pun Reference Library\I Lost My Balance: Eileen Dover and Paul Downs
International Signs - Swiss restaurant:\Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
Bad Excuses #2:\'Mary coult not come to school because she was bothered by vary\close veins.'
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?\ -- Steven Wright
International Signs - Belgrade hotel elevator:\Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
The Pun Reference Library\Split Personalities: Jacqueline Hyde
The Pun Reference Library\Great Tennis Matches: Davis Skupp
International Signs - Bangkok tailor shop:\Drop your trousers here for best results.
Employee Improvement Courses:\E100 Molding Your Employee's Behavior Through Guilt & Fear
International Signs - Bangkok temple:\It is forbidden to enter a women even a foreigner if dressed\as a man.
You can always get a job in international affairs because 90% of\everything happens in a foreign country.\ -- Steven Wright
I took a baby shower.\ -- Steven Wright
The Pun Reference Library\Greeting Sheep Strangers: Hugh R. Ewe
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the\precipitate.
You're a redneck if:\You honestly believe women are turned on by animal noises and\seductive tongue gestures . . .
Did you hear about the new Vietnamese cookbook?\100 ways to walk your dog.
The Pun Reference Library\How to Annoy: Aunt Agonize
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great\parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask\me if I'm leaving.\ -- Steven Wright
The Pun Reference Library\How to Tour the Prison: Robin Steele
Standards for Inconsequential Trivia:\10^-2 mental = 1 centimental
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half\of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.\ -- Steven Wright
Unclear Writting:\You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any\differance?
The Pun Reference Library\Repent At Leisure: Marion Hayste
I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911\and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend.\ -- Steven Wright
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the\flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and\took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was\lightning in my house.\ -- Steven Wright
Standards for Inconsequential Trivia:\10^12 bulls = 1 terabull
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and\returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."\ -- Steven Wright
International Signs - Bucharest hotel lobby:\The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we\regret that you will be unbearable.
Insurance Faux Pas:\'I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel\and had an accident.'
The Pun Reference Library\Joys of Cowardice: Lily Livard
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
The Pun Reference Library\Nuts about You!: Sly Cosis
Standards for Inconsequential Trivia:\10^12 pins = 1 terapin
The Pun Reference Library\The Truancy Problem: Marcus Absent
The Pun Reference Library\Events In The Soviet Union: Perry Stroika
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room\temperature.\ -- Steven Wright
You're in a phone booth and you see a herd of elephants charging towards\you.\What do you do? Make a trunk call and reverse the charge.
Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever\I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time\I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop\ringing, so I had it disconnected.\ -- Steven Wright
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.\ -- Steven Wright
The Pun Reference Library\Computer Memories: Meg Abright
The Pun Reference Library\I Love You!: Alma Hart
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when\suddenly the prescription ran out.\ -- Steven Wright
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and\act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.\ -- Steven Wright
My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked,\I'm in the band."\ -- Steven Wright
The Pun Reference Library\Downpour!: Wayne Dwops
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00,\children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."\ -- Steven Wright
Why don't elephants cross their eyes? Because i's are dotted, t's\are crossed.
Scientific Terms:\Len: Singular of lens. One surface optical instrument.
International Signs - Tokyo car rental brochure:\When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet\melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then\tootle him with vigor.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the\neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get\out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.\ -- Steven Wright
The Pun Reference Library\The World's Best Recipes: Gus Tatorial
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to\the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a\different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.\ -- Steven Wright
The Pun Reference Library\A Boxing Cornerman's Story: Dawson DeTowel
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.\ -- Steven Wright
