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- ANARCHIST PHONE PRANKS I
- ][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][
- ][ ][
- ][ Anarchist Phone Pranks: Vol I. ][
- ][ ][
- ][ Written by: The 0mega ][
- ][ & Electronic Rebel ][
- ][ ][
- ][ ][
- ][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][
-
- [> Formatted in 80 Columns and Lower Case for your damn printer! <]
-
-
- Introduction:
-
- The Telephone is possibly the most useful device ever invented for the
- Anarchist/Prankster. With it, you can effectively terrorize a person or permanently
- ruin his/her life forever, quickly, easily, anonymously, and without ever leaving the
- comfort
- and privacy of your own home. It can open up new vistas in entertainment and bring
- hours of fun. Outlined herein are several Krackartist favorites for phone terrorism,
- and general cranking. The usual disclaimer applies: they are intended for information
- al purposes only, and we take no responsibility for whatever happens to the victim or
- the perpetrator. [But, don't let that stop you!]
-
- Case History:
-
- The Victim: Bob Retard <not his real name>, 22 years old - such the lozer, Nerds
- use him as a guideline. Let me describe Bob Retard in greater detail...For one thing,
- Bob was a mormon, and that was bad enough, but his appearance was even worse. He wa
- s weak and skinny. Bob always wore the same old, pale-blue fishing hat no matter where
- he went. He probably wore it to cover up his greasy hair; it looked like he hadn't
- washed it since 1974, (but, I was always afraid to look any closer than I dared) and
- it looked like he combed it back with his clumsy hands. I don't think he had shaved
- in as long either, because he had this stubble growing on his face, like a slime mold.
- He had an annoying, pimply little voice, like his nose was stopped up with mucus
- or something. And around his neck was a whistle and a light-meter (we never could
- figure those out), and strapped to his hip he always carried a 99 function scientific
- calculator IN A HOLSTER! (Can you believe it?) Maybe he wanted to be ready to do numer
- ic battle or something, I don't know. In his shirt pocket, he had a leather pocket-guard
- with an assortment of multi-color pens and mechanical pencils. I got the impression
- that is mother (who must have been a Hellen-Keller clone) had dressed him. You c
- ould spot him anywhere, whether riding his bike (him and that bike!), or on rare
- occasions cruising at a speedy 15 MPH in his sporty 1969 Ford Falcon. Honestly, I cannot
- help but make a comparison in my mind between him and Pee Wee Herman (I detest that l
- ittle prick!) because they looked and acted exactly the same; the only difference being
- that Pee Wee does it on purpose. In short, Bob was an ugly mother-fucker, and probably
- a genetic reject. Infact, everyone in his family was a genetically defected Bob
- clone! But, he was generally harmless and so everyone picked on the spud. So one week,
- we decided we'd pull some cranks on 'ol Bob Retard and some people picked at random,
- just for phun.
- __________________
- | |
- | Be alert! |
- | The world needs |
- *) First, we decided to send Bob a few pizza's | all the lerts it |
- (at his expense, of course!) So we calmly called up | can get! |
- every pizza place we could find that delivered. |__________________|
- Rebel told 'em he was Bob and if they asked for a
- phone number, he gave 'em Bob's, number that rang forever, or even a local BBS's modem
- number (it doesn't really matter since they never call anyway). We ordered the same
- thing at every pizza place: 2 large pizza's with everything on them and 3 large co
- kes (incase he got thirsty). The bill was about $15 for each order. It must have been
- pretty surprising that every half hour a pizza delivery car came to his house for a
- total of 8 large pizza's and 12 large cokes! Too bad none of the Vietnamese restau
- rants here deliver, or else we could have sent him roast dog (yum!)
-
- *) The next day, it occured to us that Bob had stayed in that house too long (poor Bob
- never went anywhere), and that a trip somewhere (it didn't matter where! Anywhere!)
- would be his chance to get away from it all. So we called 6 taxi services (we want
- ed to give him a variety) to come and pick him up at his house and take him to the
- airport! Then we decided he should have the choice of going in style and luxury, so
- in addition, we called 2 limousine services and arranged for a third to pick him up the
- next day (incase he missed the opportunity the first time.) The bill came to about
- $60 or so. Unfortunately, he didn't leave. ________________________ I wonder if he
- got the clue?
- | |
- *) Rebel | Anarchy Rules! | suggested the possibility that
- Bob's house was |________________________| infested with fleas and ticks
- and maybe even termites. So, just to be on the safe side, we called a termite
- inspection company to come check out his house. (We're so considerate, don't you
- think?) They said it would be $70 just to show up. It seemed like a fair price to us,
- so we
- (or rather, Bob) agreed and said we'd have a check ready. Then we called the friendly
- neighborhood pest control and told them about Bob's flea and tick problem, and made an
- appointment a few days in advance for them to put a tent (a fucking tent!) over hi
- s house and fumigate it. It would cost around $120. When Bob was approached by the
- termite inspection guy, he told him that he hadn't called him, that it was probably a
- practical joke (Bob's so swift!) and turned him away, like he had the taxi's, the li
- mo's and the pizza delivery's. Needless to say, they were all very pissed (and some
- were even heard to utter some verbal execrations at Bob).
-
- *) But, we weren't finished yet! Bob's life was infinitely too boring
- (thou'hD]r+Y=#CI+#"{FkXn indepth study on just what it was he did for 'entertainment'),
- so we thought a brand new video recorder would be just the thing. We called up a loc
- al TV shop that also sold video recorders. What kind would we get? Nothing but the
- best for our buddy Bob! Spare no expense! Rebel talked to the salesman and asked about
- the best VHS unit we could get - one with remote control and 8 hour quality record
- ing, 14 day programmable timer, LED and digital display and all that kind of good shit.
- That was the unit we wanted - it would cost about $700. After some more talking and
- an extra $50 fee, we convinced him to come over to Bob's and deliver it, C.O.D. i
- n a few hours. Joking "do you guys accept cash? Everyone's using Credit Cards these
- days," made our story a little more credible. Be calm, polite, sound a few years older
- than you really are, and be able to B.S. your way through things in a jam, and th
- at's the key.
-
- *) Finally, about this time, we decided clumsy Bob had locked himself out of his house
- (Oh, dear!) So Rebel called 2 locksmiths (2 locksmiths is good for effect) and told
- 'em he was Bob, calling from a neighbor's house and that he had just locked himself
- out of his house. We told 'em it was a deadbolt lock and to bring the heavy
- equiptment. Each locksmith would charge a $35 fee just to show up, and extra to work
- the lock. That was reasonable, and afterall, poor Bob was locked out of his house and
- it w
- as getting dark! I bet they were surprised to find Bob open the door and meet them!
- I bet Bob was more surprised to learn he had been locked out of his house!
-
-
- *) We pulled a few more stunts on him that go without mentioning, like ordering a
- Garbage Truck to come pick up tree limbs and assorted refuse, and calling another
- service to re-pave his driveway. But, I'll save those exploits for later.
-
- At the end of the week-long terrorist spree, we added up the damage, and compiled the
- following list (figures are approximated):
-
- Quantity/Item Cost
- --------------------------------------------------
-
- 8 Large Pizza's, 12 Large Cokes..............$ 60
- 6 Taxi's, 3 Limo's...........................$ 60
- 1 Termite Inspector..........................$ 70
- 1 House Fumigation...........................$ 120
- 1 Super Hi-Tech VCR..........................$ 700
- 2 Locksmiths.................................$ 70
- =====
- $1080
-
- [Wow, a spiffy little chart like TIME magazine does!]
-
- The Coupe De Grace:
-
- We rounded it off to an even $1100. Then, we sent him an anonymous letter politely
- thanking him for participating in our 'gag', acknowledged responsibility for the
- 'terrorist attacks' and presented the above list of damages and the total. And, encl
- osed in the letter was $1100 in Monopoly money (You can get 'em at TG&Y), in crisp new
- bills, that "should more than cover the damages." - Now that's classy! Actually, Bob
- was too retarted to have been pissed, but at least we inconvenienced the hell out
- of him! Of course, he didn't have to pay anything since he told everyone it was a gag,
- so no real monetary damage was done.
-
- Conclusion:
-
- I could cover many more pranks, but I'll save 'em for a later Volume (afterall,
- there has to be a sequel!) Be creative! Strip-A-Grams are boring, tacky, and
- unimaginative (more than once). Looking in your Yellow Pages is often a great help for
- com
- ing up with ideas. Mail order C.O.D. is always good. Anytime you see anything on TV
- or in a magazine that you can get C.O.D. go fer it! (To my knowledge, they don't
- require any ID or verification, other than an address). It doesn't matter if it's expens
- ive, it'll all add up in the end. "Ginsu: It slices, it dices, it can EVEN cut this 74
- Datsun IN HALF and STILL cut a watermelon! But, that's not all..." If you're in a
- hurry, send it Express Air, Overnight Service or whatever. And, in most cities and
- towns there is a Senior Citizen grocery delivery service. Old folks unable to get down
- to the local VONS/SAFEWAY can order their groceries and pay for it when they are
- delivered. That one could be interesting! Or, how about calling your local Cable Co.
- and cancelling someone's Expanded Cable Service? Oops! No more HBO, PLAYBOY, CINEMAX,
- and the 30 odd other channels that person had! Cancelling the entire cable service is
- not only suspicious, but more trouble for you than it's worth. [Thanks to Carol
- M. for the Cable idea].
-
- Look for the next editions of Anarchist Phone Pranks by The Krackartists: "Bob
- plays Jeopardy", "Special Operator #337, may I help you please?" and "RadioFunkSpiel".
-
- This has been a Krackartist Presentation.
-
- :)DOWNLOADED FROM P-80 SYSTEMS......304-744-2253
-