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- Top Gun
-
- a short story by Don Howland, from Forced Exposure 'zine #14
-
- >>> A CULT Publication......1988 <<<
- -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-
- _______________________________________________________________________________
-
-
- "SATANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN"
-
- Electric guitars exploded into static in the cheap speakers mounted on the
- roof behind matted furry bucket seats. Arnie Lemon reached down for the tape
- deck and turned up the volume. The pavement around him was wet black and
- immense disk-like snowflakes whirred from the low sky. The wind shook the
- spindly dead-looking branches of tall trees. Friday afternoon.
-
- "Fucking god!damned! shit-eating bitch! Cunt, fucking shithead cunt HAG."
-
- A blue haired woman two cars ahead of him seemed reluctant to make a left
- turn into the mall lot, despite there being no oncoming traffic within two
- hundred yards. The light was about to change. Arnie pushed angrily on his
- horn, which hadn't worked for months. The wire responsible for the horn in
- fact dangled beneath the car, touching the ground.
-
- The old woman sluggishly turned at last as the light turned yellow, with
- the car just behind riding her ass safely across. The left turn arrow flashed
- to red. Arnie Lemon wheeled his royal blue Dodge Swinger across the four lanes
- of oncoming traffic. A pickup truck with two fat bearded passengers honked at
- him and sped up if they might try to follow him. They didn't. He drove along
- the periphery of the huge parking area, cutting over when he thought he saw the
- red white and blue lighted logo of the Video America outlet. The bright
- colored light was at once warm and inviting and repellent int he frigid gray
- dampness. Arnie Lemon parked 100 yards from the store and walked in. He
- could've parked closer but reverse was no working well in the Swinger.
-
- There were three customers inside Video America. One, a middle-aged man
- in a tan overcoat who resembled Arnie's father, stood in the nook set aside
- for adult movies. He was looking at the wall well above the mounted cassette
- boxes, at nothing at all, perhaps trying to remember which ones he'd seen
- before, or when his wife was getting back from her sister's in Elyria, tonight
- or tomorrow morning.
-
- "I'd like TOP GUN and COBRA," Arnie Lemon told the clerk without
- browsing at all. The clerk glanced at the customer with brief suspicion.
- Arnie Lemon, with his eight inch long bird nest of hair and his white tee shirt
- with a paper towel logo on it, did not look the type of person to be renting
- these titles.
-
- The clerk thought this instantly, before reason overcame him: what the
- hell. "Ah, COBRA is out."
-
- "OK, OUT OF AFRICA then." Arnie presented a driver's license with a false
- name and address and paid the clerk the rental deposit in cash. He took the
- white paper bag and turned, bumping into the man who did not look so much like
- his father up close. The man had decided upon two colorful boxes with Oriental
- women on them, Arnie saw.
-
- Arnie returned to the Swinger and put the bag on the back seat with many
- other such bags. "Let's see now," not needing to think but satisfied with the
- day's work. "That's twenty-four movies from twelve different outlets." Twelve
- outlets scattered all over town; he'd been at it since ten. He drove home.
-
- Arnie took the loot upstairs in one trash bag. The cat had just shit and
- the small apartment was thick with the meaty shit stink. Arnie opened a window
- and watched the hot air swirl out. He sat on the throw rug and sorted through
- the bag. A nice haul: five OUT OF AFRICA's, three COBRA's, three POLTERGEIST
- II's, four SHORT CIRCUIT's, two INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM's, and the
- real prize: seven TOP GUN's. It was with a TOP GUN that he began his work. He
- fast forwarded through three quarters of a movie and then hit stop. He then
- hit record, at the same time hitting play on a second VHS machine. He'd rigged
- the machines to dupe the night before; wires tangled like Spanish moss behind
- the TV. The screen now showed five middle aged men having sex with and then
- repeatedly stabbing a bound and naked boy of about fifteen. They were in a red
- room with boxes on the floor and a full length mirror on the wall which only
- reflected the bright light for the movie camera. The naked bodies looked
- alabaster. The footage was inarguably authentic. The tail end of the four
- minute, crudely spliced sequence, when the camera focused jerkily on the boy's
- mutilated torso and then the gouged eye sockets gushing blood, made Arnie
- queasy every time he watched it, though he no longer vomited or even choked.
-
- By the time Arnie Lemon was done grafting the same footage into the
- twenty-four rented cassettes it was 3:3:0 a.m. How time flies. He needed his
- sleep as a rule, but he was working this night on coffee and Lucky Strikes.
- The filterless cigarettes made his throat ache and his stomach nauseous.
- Nausea, Arnie found, was the best guarantee for staying up past his bedtime,
- which was usually ten o'clock. He wasn't remotely tired now but went to bed
- anyway, sleeping fitfully until 11:00 the next day when his cat howled for her
- breakfast.
-
- Arnie got up and looked at his pale face on the medicine cabinet mirror,
- took a long clear piss. On the toilet top were his vitamins. He shook a
- Vitamin E from a white plastic jar. It bounced from his hand and fell to the
- floor, finally rolling to a stop among the pubic hairs on the piss slick around
- the toilet's base. Arnie bent down and picked it up. "Shit," he said aloud.
- He rinsed the clear gold vitamin under the faucet. It got softer under the
- warm water. It felt like a nipple, a fat nipple, Arnie thought.
-
- He put it in his mouth and washed it down with a drink of cloudy tepid
- water. Then he took a vitamin C and niacinamide. Empty jars of Chelated
- Multi-Minerals and vitamin A and D complex and a comb with a white film of dead
- skin shared the toilet top. The fey disc jockey on the classical music station
- was reading the weather forecast. High 30's, 100% chance of precipitation,
- freezing rain, hail. Arnie walked across the previous day's newspaper to the
- kitchen nook. No heat came from the wall vent. His bare feet were white and
- cold.
-
- No coffee; he didn't feel like it. Every day his head felt as though it
- were filled with white glue and coffee just made it worse. He took a bag from
- a box of herb tea his ex-girlfriend gave him after reading in a women's
- magazine that camomile was bad for you. Arnie rinsed the rice scum from a pot
- and put water on to boil over a blue flame. Breakfast, a bowl of bran with
- peanuts and sunflower seeds on it, raisins, plain yogurt, and milk he'd have to
- pour down the sink probably the next day. Arnie ate the same thing every
- morning but was too lazy to mix the cereal beforehand.
-
- He sat on the floor and read the Friday paper some more, reading a
- lifestyle article about Spam and, because there was nothing else left, the
- business section. Sister's Chicken was in trouble. Arnie loved their chicken;
- years before he'd gone there with his ex-girlfriend and snuck chicken parts
- into his plastic-lined coat pockets and ate so much that he'd nearly vomit.
- Ffff. The herb tea tasted like paper. He finished the article, then lay back
- on the rug and masturbated thinking about Pam Dawber and Mark Harmon having
- sex. He went to the library and read from an encyclopedia of philosophy and
- the current New Yorker. He never read books, never finished them. Today he
- did not finish any of the articles he began either. At five the library
- closed; at 4:49 he went to the audio visual department and signed out a tape by
- the David Murray Octet. He went home, ate again and watched a college
- basketball game with the sound down and the jazz tape on his stereo. He
- masturbated again at halftime, thinking about different things. The game was
- essentially over by halftime, but Arnie watched it all. Eighteen points
- separated the winner and loser. At 10:30, after drinking a room temperature
- beer and smoking two cigarettes, he put on his winter coat and ski cap. He put
- all the videotapes back in the green-black trash bag and left.
-
- Driving around the cold, wet city on a Saturday night made Arnie feel sad.
- By the college campus, despite the wind and rain, long lines of students waited
- to get into the bars; at the malls there were just a few lonely cars sitting
- about the dark edges of the parking lots. Red lights. Out on the mall strips
- the bright fast food restaurants were the only signs of life. "People are like
- fucking moths," Arnie thought. He was not hungry but stopped at a White Castle
- for two cheeseburgers and onion chips which he ate in his car in a dark corner
- of the lot by a loaded dumpster. He owed himself a treat, he figured. He
- chewed studying the frost-covered plastic bags that had spilled out of the
- dumpster.
-
- People were horrified by Arnie's videotapes. The first outraged phone
- calls were received by weary and uninterested police clerks on Sunday evening,
- and the newspaper ran three stories - the first on the front page - on the
- heinous tampering of popular videocassettes. Police doubted the added footage
- originated locally, it fit the description of a crime committed in Las Vegas
- which was rumored to have been filmed though no footage ever turned up in the
- initial investigation, and who was this sick "David Nicholas"? A police
- composite sketch that looked nothing like him except for the hair ran on the
- second day on the front page of the local section. On the third day, there was
- an article noting that local video rentals had not been hurt by the crime.
- Indeed, they'd been helped. TOP GUN and OUT OF AFRICA, the only two titles
- mentioned in any of the newspaper articles, were impossible to get hold of at
- any video rental outfit in town, the newspaper said.
-
- On the fourth day, Arnie put the paper down, had another beer and walked
- to the barber shop, where against the young barber's protestations he got a
- crew cut. Arnie looked at himself in the yellow plastic hand mirror and
- smirked wearily. "I look like a dipshit," he thought. His head was as red as
- a hothouse tomato, the blood flow to his head blocked by the barber's bib. He
- paid the barber a quarter tip and left, dizzy as the blood shot up to his head,
- a free man.
- _______________________________________________________________________________
- Behavior Modification.....806/793-9462 The Dead Zone.............214/522-5321
- Demon Roach Underground...806/794-4362 Dragonfire Private........609/424-2606
- Question Authority........715/341-6516 Pure Nihilism.............517/337-7319
- Tequila Willy's...........209/526-3194 The Metal AE..............201/879-6668
- ===============================================================================
- 1988 cDc communications by Don Howland 12/31/88-99
- All Rights Worth Shit
-
-
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