Get turly a couple of pints to see some of his carefully culled (read: “plagiarised”) beery one-liners…
The wages of gin is breath.
-- Anon.
Wine is as good as life to a man, if it be drunk moderately: what is life then to a man that is without wine? For it was made to make men glad. -- Ecclesiasticus
ΓÇ£Beer. So much more than just a breakfast drink!ΓÇ¥
-- Anon.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Henry Youngman
ΓÇ£When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.ΓÇ¥ -- Anon.
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools.
-- Ernest Hemingway (For Whom The Bell Tolls)
Smoking cures weight problems ... eventually.
-- Steven Wright
...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ΓÇ£A truck!ΓÇ¥ -- Emo Phillips
ΓÇ£Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.ΓÇ¥
-- Oscar Wilde
What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
ΓÇ£Make me one with everything.ΓÇ¥
-- Anon.
Atheism is a non prophet organization.
-- Anon.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
-- Anon.
If youΓÇÖre not part of the solution, youΓÇÖre part of the precipitate.
-- Steven Wright
Always do sober what you said youΓÇÖd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-- Ernest Hemingway
He was a wise man who invented beer.
-- Plato
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
-- Oscar Wilde
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
-- Humphrey Bogart
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
-- Anon.
ΓÇ£And a woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.ΓÇ¥
-- Rudyard Kipling
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
-- Ambrose Bierce
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
-- W.C. Fields
Teaching has ruined more American novelists than drink.
-- Gore Vidal
In Vino Veritas
In Cervesio Felicitas
When moneyΓÇÖs tight and hard to get and your horse is an also-ran,
When all you have is a heap of debt, a pint of plain is your only man. -- Flann OΓÇÖBrien
The problem with some people is that when they arenΓÇÖt drunk, theyΓÇÖre sober.
-- William Butler Yeats
ΓÇ£To drink without thirst and to make love all the time,
madam, it is only these which distinguish us from the other beasts.ΓÇ¥ -- Beaumarchais
Only Irish Coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups ΓÇö alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. --Alex Levine
Abstinence is a good thing if practiced in moderation.
-- Anon.
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you canΓÇÖt say it.
-- Anon.
Time is never wasted when youΓÇÖre wasted all the time.
-- Catherine Zandonella
YouΓÇÖre not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-- Dean Martin
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
-- Winston Churchill
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
-- Kaiser Wilhelm
I drink to make other people interesting.
-- George Jean Nathan
Beer makes you sick when you're well, Beer when you're sick makes you well.
-- By way of Wayne's Dad
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
--David Daye
The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.
--John Barrymore
If the headache would only precede the intoxication, alcoholism would be a virtue.
--Samuel Butler
There is nothing for a case of nerves like a case of beer.
--Joan Goldstein
ΓÇ£To alcohol! The cause of ΓÇö and solution to ΓÇö all of lifeΓÇÖs problems.ΓÇ¥
--Homer J. Simpson
ΓÇ£Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the cost becomes prohibitive.ΓÇ¥ --William F Buckley, Jr
I find the only thing that really stands up, better than gambling,
better than booze, better than women, is reading. -- Mario Puzo
If you drink like a fish, don't drive: swim.
-- Joe E. Lewis
Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a particular brand of beer exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work in a brewery. -- H. L. Mencken
I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
ΓÇÖTwas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
-- W.C. Fields
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. -- Dave Barry
A little learning is a dangerous thing / Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian Spring /
There shallow draughts intoxicate the brain / And drinking largely sobers us again. -- Alexander Pope
Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot: Don't put anything in your beer that a pig wouldn't eat.
--Attributed to David Geary
ΓÇ£I feel sorry for people who donΓÇÖt drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as theyΓÇÖre going to feel all day." --Frank Sinatra
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1562.
-- Anon.
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a support group!
