NetNews Usenet Archive 1992 #26/NN_1992_26.iso/spool/rec/humor/oracle/99

Internet Message Format | 1992-11-08 | 20.4 KB

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Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #497
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 8 Nov 92 06:22:01 GMT
Article-I.D.: news.1992Nov8.112206.7712
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Date: Sun, 08 Nov 92 11:21:33 -0500
From: "Steve Kinzler" <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #497

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
    [e-mail] or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
    497
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

492  34 votes  244bd 3be42 35a88 69c43 a45b4 27bb3 3a858 46f72 485c5 26ae2
492  3.1 mean   3.9   2.7   3.4   2.7   2.9   3.2   3.1   2.9   3.2   3.2

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 08 Nov 92 11:21:40 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #497-01

Selected-By: [e-mail] (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> As much wood as a woodchuck would chuck, if a woodchuck would chuck
> wood.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Welcome to... JEOPARDY!
}
} Entering the studio tonight is our reigning champion, a mother of six
} who holds multiple advanced degrees in biophysics, Jean Tallow!
}
} An environmental lawyer from the Bay Area, Jon Fogelby!
}
} And finally, a part-time omniscient god currently employed by the
} University of Indiana, the Usenet Oracle!
}
} Here's your host, Alex Trebek.
}
} "Thank you, Don Pardo!  Hello, contestants!  By the looks of things,
} I think tonight will be pretty exciting!  But let's get the game
} going!  Tonight's categories are:  INDIANA, COMPUTERS, DELPHI,
} SIMILES, BEGINS WITH "O", and POTPOURRI.  As our returing champion,
} Jean, you get the first pick!"
}
} "I'll take SIMILES for 100, Alex."
}
} "The answer is:
}  As much wood as a woodchuck would chuck, if a woodchuck would chuck
}                               wood."
}
} BZZZZT!
}
} "Oracle!"
}
} "How much wood will the Oracle use to burn the next supplicant who
} asks a woodchuck question!"
}
} "That's right!  And this is the perfect time to squeeze in a
} commerical break.  When we return, we'll waste some more time chatting
} with our contestants..."
}
} You owe the Oracle Pat Sajak's head on a silver platter (with a side
} of Vanna).

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 08 Nov 92 11:21:41 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #497-02

Selected-By: [e-mail] (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I'm looking for business networks,business groups or any kind of
> business related hosts which are eveliable by internet(if possible
> internatioal and company products included)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Prologue:  the Better Woodchuck Bureau, an anti-Oracle terrorist
} group, has set up an intercept to all the Oracle's incoming feed.  This
} intercept looks for certain keywords and surreptitiously replaces them,
} the purpose being to aggravate and frustrate the Oracle so that he is
} unable to perform his Oracular duties.]
}
} [Today the Oracle receives a question which has gone through the
} devious BWB intercept.]
}
} > I'm looking for woodchuck networks,woodchuck groups or any kind of
} > woodchuck related hosts which are eveliable by internet(if possible
} > internatioal and company products included)
}
} AAAUGH!  Why don't you just come right the hell out and ask it!
} YOOOUUUU supplicants think you're so damn cool, with all your cute
} little alterations to the STUPIDEST QUESTION EVER!  First you arm your
} woodchucks with powersaws, and then with plasma weapons, and now with
} computer networks, apparently!  I don't know what the hell you're
} talking about; there are no 'woodchuck hosts' on the damn internet!
} Screw it, take THAT!
}
} } Woodchuck this, *o**e**u**e*!
} } <ZOT!>
}
} Hahaha!  Ha hahahah!  Ha ha!  You're eraser dust, cookiebunny!
}
} [Unbeknownsed to the Oracle, his answers are also going through an
} intercept. And so a rather surprised supplicant receives the following
} reply.]
}
} The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > I'm looking for business networks,business groups or any kind of
} > business related hosts which are eveliable by internet(if possible
} > internatioal and company products included)
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Woodchuck this, *o**e**u**e*!
} } Be it known to all parties that the bearer of this message is
} } entitled to the sum of $1,000,000, payable from the Usenet Oracle's
} } earthly account in ten monthly installments of $100,000 each.
}
} [And so it went.]
}
} The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Oh great Oracle:
} > Why can't I get laid?  I try and try but women just don't dig me.
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } WHAT?  What the hell does women not digging you have to do with
} } getting woodchucks?  Oh, forget it.  Chew on THIS, you loser.
} } Be it known to all parties that the bearer of this message is
} } entitled to the sum of $1,000,000, payable from the Usenet Oracle's
} } earthly account in ten monthly installments of $100,000 each.
}
} [Within days, the massive ammount of money in the Oracular bank account
} is depleted, and the world economy gets a big boost due to all the cash
} suddenly floating around.  The Oracle immediately disables the
} intercepts, but he is forced to auction off ten years' worth of
} Oracular tributes in order to pay for the remaining $900,000 which is
} coming to each supplicant he had tried to <ZOT.>]
}
} [He then spends a few days <ZOT>ing every member of the BWB, until
} every one is gone.]
}
} [Or ARE they?]
}
} (note to the original supplicant:  send mail to the Oracle with the
} word 'help' in the subject line, and read the response in its entirety.
} Thanks for your question, tho; I enjoyed answering it, albeit not in
} the fashion you intended.)

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 08 Nov 92 11:21:43 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #497-03

Selected-By: [e-mail]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Where's the beef?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Right here!"
}
} <zzzzzip>  <THUNK>
}
} "Is that enough beef for you?"
}
} "Not bad, Oracle.  But not much compared to mine!" says a well-endowed
} silhouette from the doorway.
}
} "Oh no, it's my mortal enemy in the department of penis size, Long Dong
} Silver!"
}
} "Prepare to do battle, Oracle!"
}
} With an ominous zwaaap! the Oracle's schlong springs into battle mode.
} Silver's does likewise.  They begin to circle each other, feeling out
} their opponent's defenses.
}
} Silver slices, but the Oracle is quick, and saves himself with a rapid
} parry.  Silver's headstrong attack leaves him open, and only the best
} of luck saves him from being impaled on the Oracle's heat-seeking
} moisture missile.
}
} The Oracle swings at Long Dong's legs, hoping to win an early victory
} by immobilizing his opponent, but Silver is a veteran when it comes to
} cock fights, and jumps nimbly out of the way.
}
} The organs clash together in a shower of sparks as each man looks over
} the other with an evil eye.
}
} LDS tries a thrust, but the Oracle spins away, returning the attack
} with equal vigor.  Silver falls to his knees under the massive blows.
}
} "You have defeated me, Oracle!  I withdraw my claim!" Silver says, as
} he slinks out the door.
}
} "Ah, Lisa?  The fire from the battle still rages in my veins, and it
} must be quenched with passion!"
}
} "Forget it, Oracle," the sex goddess reples from the doorway.  "I
} noticed that during the battle, Long Dong was 2.5 centimeters longer
} than you were.  I'm leaving you for him."  Slam!
}
} You owe the Oracle a "me too!"-free version of alt.sex.stories and a
} pathetic recital of the old size-doesn't-really-matter consolation
} speech.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 08 Nov 92 11:21:44 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #497-04

Selected-By: Roger Noe <[e-mail]>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Truely magnificent Oracle, you who has read "Zen and the art of
> motorcycle maintenance" 14 times, who understands where the blue and
> green hairy stuff on the cheese comes from, and who has a bladder
> larger than of a male llama.
>
> I have been dreaming that I am a car lately. Should I be worried
> about this. If not - please tell me whether I should use leaded or
> unleaded gasoline ?
>
> Thy humble servant thanks thee ... Brrrrr Uuhuu BBrrrmmmm UUHuu

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are not *dreaming* that you are a car.  You are becoming a car.
}
} But you're a nice car, at least, or rather you will be in a few days
} when the change is complete: a 12-cylinder BMW with an aftermarket
} Paxton supercharger and a really neat paint job and $2000-each alloy
} wheels.
}
} Unleaded fuel, 91 octane minimum for performance, though you've got a
} knock sensor & should be able to go as low as 85 octane without damage.
}
} You owe the Oracle -- yourself.  The Oracle's not that big on Bimmers,
} but you're turning into a really nice one.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 08 Nov 92 11:21:46 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #497-05

Selected-By: [e-mail]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Great, Wise, and basically Omnipotent Oracle,
> This pitiful piece of sewer trash craves a piece of your divine
> wisdom...
>
> Is the answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and
> Everything *really* 42? If so, what IS the Ultimate Question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congratulations, Supplicant!
}
} Your question concerning the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe,
} and Everything is the One Millionth query its kind to be posed to the
} Almighty Oracle!
}
} Because you are a part of this most noteworthy effort, you have been
} chosen to win prizes suitable to such an occasion! Charlie O'Donald,
} please tell this lucky supplicant what he has won!
}
}   Thank you, All Knowing.
}
}   Yes, as the poser of the One Millionth question concerning '42', you
}   will receive the cream of the Mighty Oracle's storehouses. Your
}   prizes include:
}
}       A Solid Gold, Jewel Encru...
}
} Just a minute, Charlie - I said *suitable* prizes. I have no intention
} of bestowing onto this brainless, unoriginal thought producing
} supplicant the great wealth of my stored treasure. Gimme that list of
} prizes.
}
}       { The Mighty Oracle peruses the list, mentally scratching out
}         each entry. Finally, after scanning the entire 1 MB list, he
}         reaches the last entry: A Baby's Arm Holding An Apple. }
}
} Hmmm. Even the dregs of my great fortune are far too valuable to bestow
} upon this most unworthy supplicant. But, seeing how he did pose the
} Millionth '42' question, I suppose is is entitled to something.
}
}       { The Great Oracle reaches into his pocket and produces a
}         handful of trinkets and small treasures: A Flux Capacitor,
}         diamond earings, a gold plated unicorn, a computer
}         generated compromising photo of H. Ross Perot's daughter,
}         an OverThruster, etc. Picking, through them, he sees what he's
}         willing to give up. }
}
} Here...
}
}       { In an office, far away, the supplicant is hit on the head by
}         an object that appeared to fall from nowhere. He wheels his
}         chair back, crawls under his desk, and grabs at the gleaming
}         metallic prize. Bringing it into the light, he sees
}         what it is: A 70`s style, yellow plastic flower keychain. On
}         one side of the flower is emblazoned '42'. The other side says
}         "Have a Nice Day". }
}
} You owe the Oracle a flying sneaker and some very intelligent mice.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 08 Nov 92 11:21:48 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #497-06

Selected-By: [e-mail]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>   Oh most wonderful Oracle, whose computer has infinite memory,
> infinite disk space, and infinite processor speed (because the
> infinitely perfect Oracle designed it...), please tell me:
>   When will Crayola move beyond their current 64-color (6-bit) setup
> to a more modern, 24-bit color design, and how much is a box of
> 16,777,216 crayons going to cost?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       So you tire of your 64 color Very Good Assortment (VGA). Perhaps
} you can hang on a bit longer by thinking back to the days you were
} limited to the 46 color Extra Good Assortment (EGA) or back in your
} neophyte days when we were limited by the 8 color Crappy Gradeschool
} Assortment.(CGA)
}       But to answer your question, Crayola has had the technology in
} place for three years to move to the Heavenly Delightful Terrifically
} Valuable Assortment (HDTVA); however, progress is being delayed in
} government standards commitee due to intense fighting among Crayola,
} marks-a-lot, and the color by the number industry. If you find you can
} no longer get by with VGA. Nippon Everyones Colors (NEC) of Japan has
} just released a 256 color set of questionable quality.
}       You owe the Oracle a Dark Umber and a Burnt Sienna.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 08 Nov 92 11:21:50 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #497-07

Selected-By: [e-mail] ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> what will I be when I grow up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sonny, didn't your mother teach you to say "please" when you
} ask someone for something?  Tell your mother Mr. Oracle said
} to let you know what "grovel" means.
}
} When you grow up...wait while I check my crystal ball...
}
} You're going to be head buyer for a Midwestern chain of
} mall stores selling fashions for "queen-sized" women!
}
} Hey...sonny...hey, you asked the...  No, don't cry, um,
} maybe I didn't read the crystal ball just right...
}
} A fireman!  I was looking at the wrong side of the ball, I
} guess.  You're going to be a fireman, and drive a BIG RED
} FIRE ENGINE that goes "AH-OOOH-OOOOOOOH!"  And wear a fire
} hat and have a Dalmatian named Spot in the fire house!
}
} You owe the Oracle... you say you've already got it?
} Double Bubble?  And you only chewed it once?  Thanks, sonny...
} ^D
}
} %talk [e-mail]
} Al, look, when you're Veep and shepherding through the NREN
} development, you've got to PROMISE me to keep K-12 off the
} Internet, or I'm gonna have to release the results of the
} simulation I ran on putting into practice the environmental
} legislation in your book--yeah, the 1994 Great Depression
} scenario...

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 08 Nov 92 11:21:51 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #497-08

Selected-By: [e-mail] ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, you're my final hope
> Of finding out the true straight dope
> For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat
> But none of my cats are at all like that.
> This unusual animal (so it is said)
> Is simultaneously live and dead!
> What I don't understand is just why he
> Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.
> My future now hangs in between eigenstates;
> In one I'm enlightened, the other I ain't.
> If you understand, please show me the way
> And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
> But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
> Then I will _and_ won't see you in Schrodinger's Zoo.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, I'd better get a rope
} Because what I have to say, you won't like...Nope!
} That damn cat, (if you'll excuse the expression),
} Has been nothing but trouble, during this whole election.
} Seems that Schrodinger was psychic; bet you didn't know that!
} He was predicting the future with that damn cat.
} On the one hand we have Georgie, who Congress he blames.
} On the other hand we have Rossie, who'll probably go down in flames.
} On the third hand (...The oracle has three...
} Bet you didn't know that, my insignificant Supplicantie...),
} On the third hand we have Willie, who waffles about,
} Even in Arkansas they want him to be Pres...to get the Willie out!
} Out of the state, and out of the way,
} They figure a President can't do much harm, not like the Governor, they
} say. So there you have it; that's the allusion.
} It's the American people caught in this confusion.
} They're the people that are caught in the box.
} The box without windows, the box without locks.
} 'Cause no matter what happens, no matter who's boss,
} In the end it'll be nothing but America's loss.
}
} You owe the Oracle three more canidates and a rhyming dictionary.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 08 Nov 92 11:21:53 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #497-09

Selected-By: [e-mail] (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Wise, venerable, truly great Oracle,
>       My girlfriend and I would like to dress up as Lisa and you for
> Hallowe'en.  Please give us some tips on costume and makeup.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Heh heh.
}
} I don't think so.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 08 Nov 92 11:21:55 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle <[e-mail]>
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #497-10

Selected-By: [e-mail] ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle.  Dis is Quito, over in Chicago.  Yeah, how ya doin'?
> Anyways, I gots a bone ta pick witcha.  A while ago, you sent me
> a couplea questions ya wanted answered.  Sure.  I did it for yoose,
> I'm a nice guy.  `Less of course, I'm just used.  I want some, ya know,
> retribution.  I went out on a limb for ya, Orrie.  You didn't even
> publish me in the Oracularities! Ya know that line you use?  "You owe
> the Oracle..."  Well, you owe me.  You owe me big, bud.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa!  Lisa!
}
} Yes, snugglums!
}
} Lisa, we've got problems!  Remember how I subcontracted some of the
} woodchuck questions to that idiot in Chicago last month, when we got
} swamped with all that desperate email from the White House?
}
} Of course I do...
}
} Well, that ratfink is back, and he has the audacity to ask for
} compensation -- as if the honor of answering some of my questions
} isn't enough!  And look at this!  Threats, even!  'Bone to pick...'
} 'Nice guy...'  'Retribution...'
}
} Retribution?  Hmm...
}
} Well, dear...
}
} And it gets worse, Lisa!  If the word ever got out that I'd been
} subcontracting my work to the wisdom-impaired, why... it doesn't
} bear imagining, but being omniscient, I can't help it!
}
} Well, darling, if you'd...
}
} I can just see it...  All the other gods will be snickering behind
} my back.  Venus won't let me pop around for a...
}
} <<<BDANNNNGGG!!!!>>
}
} As I was saying, Orrie, if you'd only read the message more closely,
} you'd see the solution staring you in the face.
}
} Ooch!  Put down that niblick!  Ok, lessee... 'Bone to pick...'
} 'Nice guy...' 'Retribution...'
}
} Retribution...?  Well, if it's retribution he wants, I'm sure,
} heh heh, that that can be arranged.  Lisa!  The Chicago Yellow
} Pages!
}
} <<riffle, riffle, riffle>>
}
} Aha, here it is...  Nunzio, Guido and Paulo, Accident Counselors.
} This should be right up their alley.
}
} You owe the Oracle a quick apology.  Not that it will help.

------------------------------

End of Usenet Oracularities Digest #497
***************************************